1 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,079 There you go. 2 00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:18,079 Cigar? 3 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,519 Oh! No, I couldn't. 4 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,360 You sure? Best Havana. 5 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,879 I did try one in my youth. Enjoy it? 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,000 I did rather! 7 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,360 Oh, goodness! HE CHUCKLES 8 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:40,079 THEY CHUCKLE So, we said 65, right? 9 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,279 Well, there's 70 cos I like ya. 10 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:44,479 Thank you. 11 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,839 You know what, Lady Violet, I know this is smaller 12 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,439 than your old house, but I think you'll be very happy here. 13 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,159 I hope so. I grew up with those heirlooms. 14 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:54,999 Well, I'm gonna keep most of 'em anyway, 15 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,519 so come and give 'em a hug if you miss 'em. 16 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,119 SHE LAUGHS You're very kind. 17 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,759 Only to them what deserves it. 18 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,519 HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE 19 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,759 Well... I suspect you're a ladies' man. 20 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,199 Guilty! 21 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,879 So don't let us members of the fair sex exploit your good nature. 22 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,999 OK, I'll look out for that, Lady V. 23 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,999 BIRDS CHIRP 24 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,080 Nice bit of birdsong. 25 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:19,399 Isn't it? 26 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,080 HE LAUGHS 27 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,320 HE GRUNTS 28 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,839 All right, mate? HE CHUCKLES 29 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:36,079 # "Armour" in the mood for love Simply because you're near me! # 30 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,439 You don't say much, do ya? 31 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:39,800 HE CHUCKLES 32 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,119 MR JEREBOHM: I'm glad you've agreed to co-operate 33 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,520 on the Larkins problem. 34 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,119 Yes, we weren't best pleased 35 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,239 at being ejected from your house like hoodlums. 36 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,760 You did attempt to gate-crash our dinner party. 37 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:58,879 Oh, dear, no, I'm on a diet. 38 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,959 Whatever you're on, it's working a treat, Pinkie. 39 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,359 No, thank you, I've eaten. 40 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,679 So, using your knowledge of the Larkins, 41 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,079 how can we make them suffer? 42 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,279 Well... 43 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,719 Sorry... will we be hearing an apology 44 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,639 for frog-marching us off your premises? 45 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,439 Pop Larkin has swindled these good people, Norma. Let's move on. 46 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:19,519 I'm all for that... 47 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,200 after I've heard even a tiny squeak of contrition. 48 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,879 Yes, er, of course, yes, well, I'm sorry if, erm... 49 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,120 There we go! How hard was that? 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,119 ALEC CHUCKLES 51 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,279 They never forget, do they, the ladies! 52 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,959 No, we don't. 53 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,960 We have to use the few cards we're dealt. 54 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:42,920 Yes. 55 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,399 Knowing Pop Larkin as I do, 56 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,040 he has weaknesses we can exploit. What are they? 57 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,839 He loves his pig. You could have it poisoned. 58 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,839 You don't understand, do you? 59 00:02:55,840 --> 00:03:00,560 We want the Larkins publicly humiliated and destroyed... 60 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,520 ..starting with that man. 61 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,480 There you go, Petunia. 62 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,039 What're you gonna do with these? 63 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,759 I dunno, but classic, though, ain't they? 64 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,079 "Shut yer face!" 65 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,799 HE CHUCKLES What's this? 66 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,039 That, Victoria, is a hip bath. 67 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,159 What's it for? 68 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,119 Well, it's if you've got... dirty hips. 69 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,159 Or raging piles. 70 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,039 Ugh! Good bit of business? 71 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,479 Perfick. There we are! 72 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,199 Now, don't let Oscar pick up stuff and eat it. 73 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,159 All right. Again! 74 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,559 I dread to think what's in his stomach. 75 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,439 I'm worried he's gonna start rattling. 76 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,279 Summer holidays start here, eh? 77 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,199 You know what's been going through my head, Ma? 78 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,639 Tumbleweed, is it? Something by Elvis? 79 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,039 Nah! 80 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,079 Our neighbours, the old Jellybums. 81 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,359 Why don't we have a big, fat barbecue and invite 'em over? 82 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,559 Fine by me. As long as it's not just them... 83 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,479 cos they give my natural joie de vivre quite a battering. Why? 84 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,439 I was just thinking we got off on the wrong foot. 85 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,040 Well, maybe we were a bit greedy about the house. 86 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,519 Let's mend bridges. 87 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,959 Yeah, and I think that Pinkie's all right, you know? 88 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,439 I know you do. 89 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,679 He's the problem. Oh, I dunno. 90 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,839 You get a feeling about some folks. 91 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,120 You do. 92 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,200 Wanna go back to bed? 93 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,479 I can't. I've got urgent business with Primrose. 94 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:22,840 On a Sunday?! 95 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:52,079 You don't think you're overdoing it? No. 96 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,399 I've made this mistake before, 97 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,439 over-estimating how observant men are. 98 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,519 God, yeah. 99 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,120 Some of them can't distinguish much beyond naked and not naked. 100 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,360 Thanks (!) 101 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,439 He thinks I'm too young, 102 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,960 so I need to make it blindingly obvious that I'm not. 103 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,760 DOOR OPENS 104 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,200 Hoo! 105 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,279 Good morning, and welcome to the pretty girl... 106 00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,279 Erm... HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY 107 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,439 ..to the ninth Sunday after T-Trinity. 108 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,359 Nice to see so many faces. Old faces, too. 109 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,559 Especially the older faces. Equally lovely. 110 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,559 More, however, because so... characterful. 111 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,760 Yeah, and, er... and wise. 112 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,640 Yes, it is a warm one. 113 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,719 I'll distract them. You get in there. 114 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,319 Mrs Babcock! 115 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,319 Where on earth did you get that handbag? 116 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,519 Erm... Yes, I made it. 117 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,839 Oh, you made it. How fabulous! 118 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,559 I need another word with the Reverend. 119 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,800 No! You've had your turn! 120 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,679 DISTANTLY: Tell me all about the Babcocks. One by one. 121 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,479 Thank you for coming. My pleasure. I'm very religious. 122 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,919 Oh, are you? 123 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,439 Yes, it's embarrassing. Peace be with you. 124 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,080 And also with you. 125 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,439 Look, I'm sorry I was brusque with you the other day. 126 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,359 You seem lovely... 127 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,399 but I hadn't realised you were still at school. 128 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:31,479 Well, as I mentioned, I'm not any more, and I'm 18. 129 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:32,719 How old are you? 20, 21? 130 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,040 23. Exactly, no gap at all. 131 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,799 And I'm... I'm mature beyond my years. 132 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,119 I have no doubt of that. 133 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,359 And sociable. My family are having a barbecue Saturday lunchtime, 134 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,239 erm, so please do come, 135 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,919 and allow at least three hours for accompanying activities. 136 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:49,959 Mm, thank you. 137 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,439 The Vicar is keeping me rather busy, including Saturdays... 138 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,479 No, you have to come. 139 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,599 You seem over-worked, and, erm, 140 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,559 it's important to eat right and not be a stranger to pleasure. 141 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,240 Right. Even so. 142 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,759 There'll be lots of wayward flock there to gather in. 143 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,160 I mean, really wayward. 144 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,080 BRIGADIER: I think we have everything. Mm-hm. 145 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,479 Vicar... 146 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,880 you look like a man without a care in the world. 147 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,999 What's your secret? Jesus. 148 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,719 Apart from that. My assistant's doing all my work. 149 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,319 Best thing that's ever happened to me. 150 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,279 Just don't ruin the Reverend Candy's looks. 151 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:33,719 He's very young and handsome. So people keep telling me. 152 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,080 I fear you might be exploiting him. Absolutely. 153 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,439 Ah, you look like you're on a mission. 154 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,359 Yes, I thought I'd go Italian this evening, 155 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,879 so I'm after a tin of macaroni cheese. 156 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,280 Ah. CAR DOORS SLAM 157 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,159 They'll never be liked. Rich and mean. 158 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,839 I prodded him about our organ fund, 159 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,519 and it was like I was talking in Danish. 160 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,960 They behaved very shoddily over that shooting business. 161 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,679 You handle the villagers. Oh, look, a notice board. 162 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,239 I feel the pink is a mistake. Pinkie's her name. 163 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,959 I think that restricts her colour choice. 164 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,440 I'd love to be called Pinkie. 165 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,079 Greetings, villagers. How are we today? 166 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,599 We're in the pink. 167 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,759 Oh, you mustn't be. That's my thing! PINKIE LAUGHS 168 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,399 I realise now, 169 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,959 we've rather stomped around in hobnail boots since moving here, 170 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,919 but we already love the place dearly. 171 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,720 Please don't think we're snobbish or aloof. 172 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,319 Hardly. As if we would. 173 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:35,400 Prove you're not, then. 174 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,280 Well, I accept the reproof, and I shall do better in future. 175 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,400 I'm afraid my husband's a hopeless townie, but I'm working on him. 176 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,240 Can we be friends now? 177 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,999 HE CHUCKLES 178 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,160 Oh! 179 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:00,319 What you gonna do with yourself today, darlin'? 180 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,919 Now that your life's your own. I'm going to write. 181 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:08,719 Love poetry? What rhymes with "Reverend Candy"? 182 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:12,599 Leather and... shandy? Ever stand by me? 183 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:17,399 No, I'll be writing my thoughts - some stories, my journal. 184 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,239 Some literary criticism. Ooft! 185 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,360 You've got so much going for you. 186 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,199 What ARE you gonna do? 187 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,159 Oh, not go abroad like your sister. No. 188 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,279 Well, I'd like to carry on persuading Reverend Candy 189 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,799 that I'll be a brilliant girlfriend. 190 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,159 Course you do. What about jobs-wise? 191 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,599 I think I might be a good journalist. 192 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:41,040 That is such an exciting notion! Isn't it?! 193 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,560 Oh, you beautiful, ginger dark horse. 194 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,160 How are you gonna go about it? 195 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,839 Ah. POP: How do? 196 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,399 Hello, Mr Larkin. 197 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,559 Don't let me interrupt your constitutional. 198 00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,279 Oh, please do. 199 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,719 I'm only doing it cos Mr Jerebohm likes me to keep thin. 200 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,359 Yeah, well... Takes all sorts. 201 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,079 Yes. Well, he can be quite, erm... Well... 202 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:28,879 Well, don't keep it in. Tell Uncle Pop. 203 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,919 No, I mustn't. 204 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,119 I'm on a new diet, in fact. Ooh. 205 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,079 Big mistake - unless it's the famous 206 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,359 fish chips, big pudding and pink Champagne diet. 207 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,119 Well, no, it's, erm... ice. 208 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,639 Ice? As many ice cubes a day as I fancy. 209 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,119 You get a very cold mouth. 210 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,599 You really do need more fun in your life, don't ya? 211 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,560 Erm, actually I... I do. I, erm... 212 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:54,760 I'm so sorry. 213 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,919 It's not always easy at home. 214 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,119 Oh. Yeah, well, I was saying to Ma, y'know, 215 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:06,759 our families got off to a bad start, but least said, soonest mended. 216 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,399 Thank you! 217 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,999 I don't know how it happened because... well, we... 218 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,239 I love people. 219 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,440 Like, really love them. Good. 220 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,759 You Jerebohms, are you free Saturday lunchtime? 221 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,039 Well, I am. If my husband will let me. 222 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,079 Why don't you come over to ours for a barbecue? 223 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,279 Oh, how super! Of course, I'll only be eating ice cube... 224 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,479 Ice cubes, yeah, well, I'll chuck a couple on the grill. 225 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,399 We'll get our best pals over, too. Chance for you to make new friends. 226 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,280 Oh, thank you, Mister Larkin. 227 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,600 Bye. Ta-ra. 228 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,160 WHISTLES 229 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,960 TYPEWRITERS CLICK 230 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,480 DOOR CLOSES 231 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,119 Good afternoon to you. May I speak to your editor, please? 232 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,079 He's busy. What's it about? TYPEWRITER DINGS 233 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,479 Erm... Well, I've... I've just left school, 234 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,559 so obviously, my thoughts have turned to employment, and I... 235 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,559 Wouldn't recommend a job on a newspaper. 236 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,999 Everyone's very rude, and we smoke like Battersea Power Station. 237 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,240 Oh. Erm... 238 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,160 Maybe freelance work? 239 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,239 DOOR OPENS Head of Maidstone Borough Council? 240 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,799 Joan Timpson. 241 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,919 No, Tim... 242 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,039 Tim... fat bloke. 243 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,200 Oh, OK. I'll just use that, then, shall I (?) 244 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,080 DOOR OPENS 245 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,559 Erm, I have a few samples of my work, if you... 246 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:16,759 if you'd like a look. 247 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,679 Published? No, no, but, erm... But I, erm... 248 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,359 Come back when you've got experience. You look about 13. 249 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,680 TYPEWRITERS CLICK 250 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,240 WHISTLES Ivor - try to stay within the lines! 251 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,199 If you hit a Roman villa, just keep digging. 252 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,560 I don't want archaeologists piling in, holding up our first swim. 253 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:03,759 All right, Prim? 254 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,119 No. Nothing's working, everything's horrible. 255 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:07,720 I wish I was still at school. 256 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,759 Here, we was watching a programme on the telly about Australia, 257 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,319 and in between picking flies out of their teeth, they love a barbecue. 258 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,919 I played an Aussie once. You have to speak like this? 259 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,119 As though you're asking a question? 260 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:31,159 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: It's quite tiresome? 261 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,999 Sausages? Yes, exactly like that. 262 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400 No, do you want sausages? Oh, yes. 263 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,639 "And onions?" You see? 264 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,559 Up at the end? POP CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY 265 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,119 Dudley, how are you? There you are. 266 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,639 I'll just pop a couple of thighs your way, Brigadier. 267 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:46,840 Please, go ahead. 268 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:49,679 STIFLED LAUGHTER 269 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,639 I prefer breast. 270 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,959 MA AND BRIGADIER LAUGH 271 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,719 Stop it! Stop it, Brigadier! Just... 272 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,759 Oh, I do apologise. Maturity is such an illusion, isn't it? 273 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,999 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 274 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,679 Corn on the cob. Get some chicken and stuff like that. 275 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:08,840 There you go. 276 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,599 Pauline. Ooh, got yourself a new boyfriend? 277 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,799 No, Pop, it's me, PC Harness, in civvies. 278 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,399 Yeah, he looks weird out of uniform. 279 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,199 I normally make him wear it, even if we're going on a picnic. 280 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,559 She loves my helmet. 281 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,079 Course she does. 282 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,079 So, Mariette's still on her honeymoon, Pop? 283 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,559 Yeah, they're zigzagging their way across Europe, you know, 284 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,759 like lunatics - happy days. 285 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,799 I can't see her settling down. She's not the mothering kind. 286 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,400 Pauline, darling, they said the same about Ma. Look at her now. 287 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,879 Sausage? Steak? Thanks, Pop. 288 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,199 Yeah, you're welcome. 289 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,520 Ah! 290 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,000 Vic. Oh! 291 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,559 Oh, right, erm, sausage, OK... More. 292 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,199 Oh, more? Bit of that on that. Lovely. Anything else? 293 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,920 One of those, please. 294 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,999 Thank you. Ha... 295 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,440 Off you go. 296 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,799 Where is he? He promised he'd be here. 297 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,319 He'll be here. Who'll be here? 298 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,600 Reverend Candy. 299 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,799 LOW VOICE: Leather and shandy. 300 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,639 Oh, yes, he seems very nice, Primrose. 301 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,880 Although you'd hope all vicars would be nice. 302 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,320 What are you staring at? 303 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,239 No sign of our neighbours. 304 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,999 I told her to stop and smell the flowers more. 305 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,599 She looked at me like I was simple. 306 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,039 Ma, honest, she is making an effort. 307 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,759 I tell you, she's not the problem. He is. 308 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,680 Something not right in that family. 309 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,919 You shouldn't have said we'd go. It works better this way. 310 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,640 We've got to let the dog see the rabbit. Hmm. 311 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,839 Unlike you, I'm not good at pretending. 312 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,280 Blanche! Gilbert! 313 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,119 Apparently, there'll be games, children, so you'll be playing them. 314 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,759 Games are for cretins. 315 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,799 Why hasn't Berndt brought the car round? 316 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,519 We're not taking the bloody car! 317 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,320 You can smell the bloody meat from here! 318 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,639 Daddy's even more tense than usual. What's going on? 319 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,639 Well, he doesn't always like doing what I tell him to do. 320 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,159 You'd think he'd be used to it by now. 321 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,759 Have you done a lot of weddings? 322 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,319 Me and Petunia loved Mariette's wedding. We love ALL weddings. 323 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,999 When Zinnia and me get married... Not to each other, obviously. 324 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,199 ..we're gonna hire white Shetland ponies as mascots. 325 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,799 You really think I care? 326 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,160 And we're going to dye them different colours. 327 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,879 Cheers. Pop! 328 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,679 Angela! Where've you been?! I know, darling. Mwah! 329 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,279 Stuck in the Smoke, working. THE CHUCKLE 330 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:47,839 Ma! Oh, you Larkins are the most sociable people I know. 331 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,999 Oh, we love a bunfight. Born to swarm! 332 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,519 Actually, this one is supposedly to soften up our tricky new neighbours. 333 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,920 Oh, here they come. 334 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,759 At least Pinkie's looking perky. ANGELA LAUGHS 335 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,559 What a scream! I love a woman with her own look. 336 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,119 Maybe not so much that one. 337 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,479 MA LAUGHS 338 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,279 Welcome to our humble. 339 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,279 Help yourself to some hot and some wet. 340 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,559 How lovely. We can't stay long. 341 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,959 Oh, dear. Why's that? 342 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,599 Er... Can't say. 343 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,839 Shall we guess? Is it medical? 344 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,760 Ah. Gosh, what an extraordinary-looking family. 345 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,959 Er, this is Johnny Delamere. 346 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,799 Yes, actor - obviously. And local VIP. 347 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,279 What have you been in? You name it. 348 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,759 Johnny's got an amazing anecdote for every occasion, haven't you, Johnny? 349 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:45,040 Do one. A short one. A short anecdote? 350 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,400 Well, I can't just do one upon a standing start. You do one! 351 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,399 No, no, no, wait, wait, come back, come back, I've got one. 352 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,199 I... I was giving my Mister Busybody at Birmingham Rep 353 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,239 when suddenly, I noticed that there was a movement in my breeches. 354 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,599 And I knew the theatre had a problem with mice, 355 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,919 so imagine my surprise when, suddenly, 356 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,559 and completely out of the blue... 357 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,839 Brigadier! So lovely to see you again. 358 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,240 CHATTER 359 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,080 CHILDREN LAUGHING 360 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,080 CHATTER 361 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,079 I love a firm bottom. 362 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,439 THEY LAUGH 363 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,960 Cheers! 364 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,519 Vicar! No sign of your new colleague? 365 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,319 He's not a colleague. He's a servant. 366 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,279 You're farm types, 367 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,839 so you'll know you have to break a horse before you can ride him. 368 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,120 Do you wanna ride Reverend Candy? 369 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,200 I mean, I know people who do. 370 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,680 Mm... Mm. 371 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,280 Mm! 372 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,759 You stopped yourself talking about your hubby. 373 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,919 You got trouble? 374 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,719 Oh, I think it's a mistake to lift the lid 375 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,159 on one's marriage, don't you? 376 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,839 No, I don't. We're an open book, Ma and me, 377 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,559 and a cracking good read it is an' all. Not that I'm one for books. 378 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,679 Oh, I fear Mr Jerebohm might read 379 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,719 as a brutish, middle-aged Heathcliff. 380 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,920 Right, enough. You need to tell me what that means. 381 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:02,119 He has a violent temper, and there's been times when I... 382 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,199 And that's why I always wear pink! SHE CHUCKLES 383 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,320 Don't hog the host, dear. Come and look at the fowls. 384 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:16,640 BIRDS CLUCK 385 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,159 Primrose has left school now - ooh, er. 386 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,439 Hang on to your hat, world! HE CHUCKLES 387 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,559 Yes, it's a chance to flee your family, 388 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,279 run away to join a troupe of players 389 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:29,719 or become a small-town cobbler. 390 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:33,039 I'm reviewing my options, but they don't include those, Mr Delamere. 391 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,679 She writes like an angel. 392 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:39,239 You could be the next Jane Austen, couldn't you? Ya fabulous girlie! 393 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,879 No offence, Prim, but all parents think their kids are geniuses. 394 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,199 Turns out, they're just donkeys like the rest of us. 395 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,840 I've read Primrose's writing, and it's outstanding. 396 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,560 So it was you who took my private notebook from my bag? 397 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,840 Fine! I'm never going to write again! 398 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,439 Hello. 399 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,799 Hiya. Gosh. So much of... 400 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,519 everything. 401 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,640 Well, you should have seen it two hours ago, Rev. Them's the pickings. 402 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,720 I'd given up on you. No need to do that. 403 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:30,079 Have you always lived on a farm? Yes. I was born here. 404 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,799 Pop and Ma have transformed it since... 405 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,079 bought more land, made the desert bloom. 406 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,959 I'd love to have the same effect on a parish. 407 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,120 This parish, I hope. Not that it's like a desert here. 408 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,520 Not in terms of sand. 409 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,440 Please don't be nervous of me. 410 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,079 I'll try not to be. POP WHISTLES 411 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,919 Right! It's now time for some sophisticated entertainment! 412 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,120 PARTY CHATTERS EXCITEDLY 413 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,720 No, I'll scuff up my trousers! 414 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,680 Get out of the way. 415 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,159 MICROPHONE SQUEAKS 416 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,719 Right-oh, you locals, you know the rules. Very simple. 417 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,359 Be kind and respectful to your wheelbarrow. 418 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,119 Dudley, that means you. 419 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,439 Fair warning, Dudley. 420 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,319 I've been a performer for many years. 421 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:35,199 Always, before I go on, I get loose bowels. 422 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,599 Ready, wheelbarrowers?! 423 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:41,359 Aw, this is a sight I shall treasure for a lifetime. 424 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,079 The fear behind the eyes. 425 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,319 Ugh! Ugh! 426 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,159 Lovely to see youngsters throwing themselves into it. 427 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,239 No, it's not working. No higher than my knees. 428 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,839 Well, I'm allowed to aren't I? I am your boyfriend. 429 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,319 Wheelbarrow switching is permitted at the half-way point, 430 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:02,159 but body-checking and hand-stamping are disqualifi-cation-able. 431 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,520 I tell you what, Dudley... 432 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,000 Should I...? Yeah. Yeah. That's better. 433 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,519 My wheelbarrow is very naughty. 434 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,679 SHE LAUGHS 435 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,399 THEY LAUGH 436 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,879 Let's just lie down here for a while. 437 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,959 He's not my brother. It's a terrible mistake. 438 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,159 No, no, no. You're the wheelbarrow, we agreed. 439 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,319 We agreed. Come. 440 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,119 I know the concept of original sin is thorny, 441 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,479 but it's a lot simpler than, say, the off-side rule. 442 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,559 I know! Why do people make something so simple so complicated? 443 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,519 Hey, Rev, you should be joining in with Primrose. Go on. 444 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,759 No, I'm fine, thanks. 445 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,559 What? You've got a lifetime to chat. 446 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,799 Wheelbarrow racing only comes by once in a blue moon. 447 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,720 Go on, on you go on. That's it, go on, join in. 448 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,879 Yes, Reverend! 449 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,639 Tuck yourself in snugly behind Primrose. 450 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,520 The Brigadier and I swear by it. HE LAUGHS 451 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,719 Do you like to hold or be held? I like 'em both. 452 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,120 Be gentle with me. 453 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,319 Oh... 454 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,400 Sorry, that... that was your... body. 455 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,959 All right, ducky? Yes, thanks, Poll. 456 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,799 Wanna swap, Pauline? What?! 457 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:18,959 No, ta. 458 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,079 You ready? 459 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,639 BOTH: On your marks... get set... 460 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:26,439 go, you wheelbarrowers! 461 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,119 CHATTERING, CHEERING 462 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:32,039 Faster. Faster! 463 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,279 Faster! Go on, girls! 464 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,000 Go on, twins! 465 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,560 Get in! 466 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,560 THEY GROAN 467 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:47,560 SHE GIGGLES 468 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:51,120 GUESTS: Ooh! 469 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,480 I'm sorry, I have to go. 470 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,279 Hm. This is exciting. 471 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,759 What is it? Treasure map? Pancake? 472 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,839 More exciting. One of Primrose's writing books. 473 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,800 Huh. Borrowed it. Oh. 474 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,240 Oh, 'ey up, the sexy professor's arrived. 475 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:33,999 She's says she's just kidding herself 476 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,959 about being a journalist, but... this is brilliant. 477 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,239 Well, what's it about? 478 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,479 Family life, the passage of childhood, country living. 479 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:44,959 Yeah, but, Ma, that's what they say. 480 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,999 You've gotta write about what you know. 481 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,679 That's why my next novel's gonna be about cocktails 482 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,479 and the ecstasy of love. Wa-hey! 483 00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,320 Oh, get off! Hands where I can see 'em. 484 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,599 I can't have Primrose throwing in the towel 485 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,879 on top of Reverend Handsome just running away screaming. 486 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:05,679 Mind you, that's why they should be together - 487 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,599 cos he's got her sensitivity. 488 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,319 True. That's Prim all over. 489 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,600 She thinks too much. Feels too much. Brain very fat, skin very thin. 490 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,920 So what are you gonna do, then, Ma? You gonna try and hustle her a job? 491 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:20,520 Might do. 492 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,079 Well, you worry about her, 493 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:27,719 and I will worry about Pinkie and that husband of hers. 494 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,519 You do that. 495 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,999 Bear in mind that this is a woman that dresses like a prawn 496 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,079 and leads a double life. Hm! 497 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,840 So I wouldn't trust her. 498 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,480 Ah! Ooh! THEY LAUGH 499 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,839 You're a scream! Do you need a hand? 500 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,919 No, no, no, no. We... We could get up, 501 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:58,879 but I think we've proved today that we are best on the horizontal. 502 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,599 SHE LAUGHS 503 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,920 THEY KISS AND MOAN 504 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,720 Oh, as I'm down here, give me a massage. 505 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,840 I'm going to give you a special Indian massage. 506 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,279 What's so special about it? 507 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,999 It's from India. Ooh. 508 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,519 Home of the Sama Kutra. 509 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,119 SHE SCOFFS 510 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,719 Oh, my... Ooh, don't stop. 511 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,839 I shouldn't have had that last brandy. 512 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,319 Oh... Or the s... 513 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:32,920 seven before that. 514 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,920 SHE MOANS, GIGGLES 515 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:40,800 You seem to have stopped, Brigadier. 516 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,399 Briggy? Are we taking a breather? 517 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,679 BIRDS TWEET 518 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,799 POP WHISTLES 519 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,039 Ma said you'd gone mushrooming. Mind if I come too? 520 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,279 Course. Couldn't sleep? No. Thoughts going round, you know? 521 00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:57,599 Ah, right. 522 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,800 That's it. All good? 523 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,320 Ah... Right. Come on. 524 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:07,960 Ooh, look at this. 525 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,200 Beauty. 526 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,440 Ha... 527 00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:21,799 You know what kept me awake, Pop? 528 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:25,320 Well, I won't guess, Prim, just in case I'm wide of the mark. 529 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:27,880 I'm in love with Reverend Candy. 530 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,360 Well, that's the best reason to have trouble sleeping. Oh. 531 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:34,559 I'm afraid we have to have one of our chats 532 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,880 where you explain what men think and feel. 533 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:40,719 I would ask Charley, but he's in Thrakomakedones with Mariette. 534 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,879 Well, I'm glad you said that. 535 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,520 So, in your own man-words, why did Reverend Candy run off? 536 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,399 You wanna ask him, Prim. 537 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:54,559 No. He already feels under pressure. That would just make it worse. 538 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:59,919 Well... I'd say he scarpered cos he's not used to women. 539 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:03,599 Hm. And you, confusingly to me, cos you've been a girl all your life, 540 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:04,880 are now a woman. 541 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,120 More. 542 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:13,679 Oh, erm... and everyone was watching him. 543 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:15,959 No-one likes an audience when they're courting. 544 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:20,119 And... maybe he feels that he was cradle-snatching. 545 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,719 There's only about five years between us! 546 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,039 Yeah, but you've gotta take that up with him, Prim. 547 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,000 SHE SIGHS 548 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,639 Thank you. 549 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,440 I suppose I need to leave him alone for a while until he's settled in. 550 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,200 Mm! 551 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,679 Angela! HE CHUCKLES 552 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,120 Where did you and the General get to last night? 553 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,159 As far as I can remember, I put him to bed and came back. 554 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,399 Sleeping in your barn somehow seemed simpler. 555 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:05,519 How was it? 556 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,559 Well, I slept like a dead sheep. THEY LAUGH 557 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:11,839 Stonking party yesterday. Yeah. 558 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:15,239 Only you and Ma could throw a barbecue that lasts for ten hours. 559 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:16,479 THEY LAUGH 560 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,999 I'm afraid I didn't warm to your new neighbours. No. 561 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:22,239 Mister needs a punch in the face. Well, join the queue. 562 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:27,199 Spooky kids are not exactly an advertisement for family life. 563 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:28,759 Yeah, there is something amiss there. 564 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,879 Pinkie nearly let on but stopped herself. 565 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:32,319 You sort it out. Yeah. 566 00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,239 I'm gonna find a lay-by to fall asleep in. 567 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,639 SHE LAUGHS 568 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,960 Right. ENGINE STARTS 569 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,400 Sorry! 570 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,800 Ah. Good day. 571 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,679 May I speak to the editor, please? What's it about? 572 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,199 I have a sample of writing work. Leave it here. 573 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,279 I'd rather speak to the editor. 574 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,799 Oof. You lot like a fag, don't you? 575 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:09,039 Where is he? Or indeed she. Fat chance of that (!) 576 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,640 Ah. 577 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,360 Try switching to worry beads. 578 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,159 Sorry to barge in. 579 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:22,279 I am a loyal reader of the, erm... What is it? 580 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:24,559 Mid Kent Times. Thank you. 581 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:27,439 And my daughter, Primrose Larkin, has written an article 582 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,479 which I'd like you to consider for the newspaper. 583 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,919 It's very good. Do read it. 584 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:34,559 Otherwise, you won't know how good it is. 585 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,079 What is she? Six years old? 586 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,359 No. She's just turned 18. 587 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:39,959 Well, then, why didn't she bring it in? 588 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:42,719 She did, but like a lot of girls her age, 589 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,039 they're not as secure in their talents as they should be. 590 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:46,679 Despite being quite mouthy, 591 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,560 she allowed herself to be sent packing. 592 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,160 HE SIGHS, CLEARS HIS THROAT 593 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,000 No. I can't read this. It's not typed up. 594 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,080 Fine. 595 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:04,679 If I may borrow your typewriter here, 596 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,360 I'll type it up while you luxuriate in your own specialness. 597 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:11,239 Is your daughter like you? 598 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,119 You be the judge. Have a read. 599 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:18,679 Or I could read it aloud to you in my best reading voice. 600 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:22,320 OK. I'll give it a read. Thank you. 601 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:27,279 She doesn't know I've taken it, so if you don't want it, 602 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:28,640 I'd like it back, please. 603 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:32,480 Have some mushrooms. 604 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:47,600 Lorks, it's exhausting being a parent. 605 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,160 TELEVISION CRACKLES 606 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,319 I've done the washing-up, having cooked your meal, 607 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:03,159 and I've made the beds and fed the cat, 608 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:05,159 and to be honest... I haven't got a cat. 609 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:06,959 Oh. 610 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:10,319 Well, erm... I fed the cat that was in the kitchen. 611 00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:14,919 And to be honest, I feel I'm doing more than my fair share of the work. 612 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,679 Course you are. You're the junior help. 613 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:17,719 I'm not, actually. 614 00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:20,119 I'm a fully qualified vicar, like yourself. 615 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:23,720 All right, we're both bananas, but I'm the big banana. 616 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,879 It's good, this. I never miss it. 617 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,279 Isn't it a bit silly? Yeah. 618 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:38,240 Completely inane. I can feel my brain dissolving. 619 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:42,719 I'm afraid I have something to say. 620 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:45,800 I'm planning to leave the parish... already. 621 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,440 Why? Because you treat me like a skivvy! 622 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:55,319 And I am also in... 623 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,479 a certain amount of emotional turmoil. 624 00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:01,360 You see, he has to guess which ball it is. 625 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,440 HE SIGHS, CAT MEOWS 626 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,480 CAT MEWS AND PURRS 627 00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:25,199 Hello. 628 00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:27,639 No, you're quite right, that wasn't a question. Er... 629 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,039 Is your sister Primrose in? 630 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,400 Prim! 631 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,240 HORSE GRUNTS 632 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:38,959 DOOR SQUEAKS Hello? 633 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:40,919 Can I help you? You can if you're Primrose. 634 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,399 I am she. And I am he. 635 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:45,719 Harvey Baker, editor of the Mid Kent Times. 636 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,039 What are you doing here? 637 00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:50,159 Ah, spoken like a journalist. Which is how you write. 638 00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:51,799 Your mother brought in your piece 639 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,719 entitled How To Grow Up In The Countryside In Ten Easy Lessons. 640 00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,479 My mother? Did she claim I was party to this? 641 00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,359 Ah, now you sound like a solicitor. HE SHUDDERS 642 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,199 Don't do that, that's boring. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 643 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,959 No, she suggested you lack assertiveness. 644 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,919 Oh, did she? When you're not being mouthy. 645 00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,079 I'm just quoting. That's what we do. 646 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,799 Well, you can just go ahead and give my article back. 647 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,519 With pleasure. 648 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,599 But it's in the paper today, so I hope you enjoy it when you read it. 649 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:18,480 Cheque's in the post. 650 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,679 Well, you should have asked before publishing it. 651 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:22,959 Assertive enough? 652 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:24,479 Your cheque's not really in the post. 653 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,559 That's what's known in journalism as a big, fat lie. 654 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,599 But good on the assertiveness. Thank you. 655 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,839 Do you want a job on the newspaper? 656 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:33,199 It's not much money. Long hours, often dull, 657 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,520 and we'll let you go in three months if you're not up to it. 658 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,159 Yes. Yes. Excellent. 659 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,599 Come in on Monday, 8am. Well done. 660 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:44,240 Oh! 661 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,799 Ah! 662 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:15,719 Oh, ho-ho-ho! Don't read the news. 663 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:18,599 We already know people are horrible and do bad things. 664 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:22,279 No, this is an article by Primrose. Oh, I'm very proud. 665 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,199 And don't be one of those mothers who goes on and on about their kids. 666 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:26,879 You dreary, old parson. 667 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,719 Try being more like your gorgeous Reverend Candy. 668 00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:31,239 I wouldn't get used to him. 669 00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:35,159 Oh, you haven't driven him away already, have you? Edith! 670 00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,839 Have a newspaper on me. Oh. 671 00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:40,159 "Milk float crashes into pillar box." 672 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:43,399 Yes, that's terrible news. No, page 12. 673 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,679 Primrose wrote it! First attempt, straight in. 674 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:50,199 Little Primrose? God, I remember when she was born. 675 00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:52,439 It was during an air raid, wasn't it? 676 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:56,040 Yes. Between you and the sirens, there was a lot of wailing. 677 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,079 Cheers, Ma. On me, Johnny. 678 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,559 Ah. Do enjoy page 12. 679 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,599 Oh, what's in it, darling? Is it about me? 680 00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,760 No. It's not about me? 681 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,240 Perhaps I'm on another page. 682 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,479 New job delivering newspapers, Mrs Larkin? 683 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:17,519 That's a step up. 684 00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:21,039 Bless you for your experiment with humour, Norma. 685 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,319 Primrose has written an article. 686 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,079 What's it about? 687 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:26,880 Growing up with a family you're ashamed of? 688 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,759 Oh, no, thank you, Mrs Larkin. I hate getting ink on my fingers. 689 00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:34,399 Just read it, Libby. 690 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,520 Of course. Delighted. Super. Thank you. 691 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:43,880 Little does she know. 692 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:28,000 POP WHISTLES 693 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:31,560 PHONE RINGS 694 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:43,439 Larkin by name, larkin' by nature. 695 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,039 PINKIE, SOBBING: 'Please, help me.' 696 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:47,079 All right, hang on, stay calm. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 697 00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,999 We'll sort this out. What's happened? 698 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:51,079 My husband, Mister Jerebohm... 699 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:53,079 Yeah, yeah, I know who your husband is. 700 00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:54,439 'Oh, sorry, I'm not myself.' 701 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,919 He's had a jealous fit, and he's left the house in a fury, 702 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,439 but he'll be back soon. 703 00:39:58,440 --> 00:39:59,839 He's gonna make my life hell. 704 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:01,719 Is this what you've been trying to tell me, 705 00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:03,599 he's been bullying you? 'Yes.' 706 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,799 I've been living in fear, but now I'm really frightened. 707 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:08,039 Right, come and stay with us. 708 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:11,079 No, it'll just make things worse. He hates you. 709 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:12,439 Where are the kids? 710 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,399 'Staying with his vile goblin mothers.' 711 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,159 You know, it's him who makes me dress in pink. 712 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,679 I'd love to try green or something. 713 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,719 Oh, Pinkie, I'm so sorry. 'I need to get away for good.' 714 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:25,639 But he doesn't give me any money - I have to beg him for it. 715 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,199 You couldn't lend me some, could you? 716 00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:28,679 Of course. No problem. 717 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:32,239 Oh, could you? Oh. 718 00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:34,399 Just enough so I can get to a hotel for a couple of weeks 719 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,479 and... figure out what to do next. 720 00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:37,920 Right, I'm on my way. 721 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:41,000 What a skunk. 722 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,679 You all right in there, Vicar? 723 00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:58,160 MUFFLED: "Let me out!" 724 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:08,000 I'm off now, Vicar. 725 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:15,639 If you're God in cat form, I'm sorry... 726 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:16,880 but I'm still leaving. 727 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,720 CAT PURRS 728 00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:30,840 DOOR OPENS, CLOSES 729 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:38,119 The editor of the Mid Kent Times has offered me a trial as a journalist! 730 00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,519 I know. We was hiding behind a bush. 731 00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,879 THEY LAUGH 732 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:45,759 Oh! Thanks, Ma. 733 00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:47,159 What would I do without you? 734 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:48,799 You'd have got there! 735 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,039 But it would've taken longer, and we're busy people. 736 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:52,479 SHE LAUGHS 737 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:53,680 Aw! 738 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,559 Where's Pop? We need to celebrate. 739 00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,640 He had to go to Bluff Court on some emergency. 740 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:31,759 So, you're staying, then? 741 00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,639 Yes. I think so. 742 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:35,680 Right. 743 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:38,880 Well, I'll cook this evening. 744 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:44,320 Thank you. What made you change your mind? 745 00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:48,640 There's a lot of work to do in the parish. 746 00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,080 And I have a calling. 747 00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:08,760 MUFFLED ARGUING 748 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:11,600 Pinkie? 749 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:41,559 Pinkie? Pinkie?! 750 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,360 Oh, my God. 751 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,719 You! I knew it. 752 00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:49,959 This comes as no surprise to me. 753 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:51,919 Oh, yeah, good one (!) Are you all right, Pinkie? 754 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,759 It's Mrs Jerebohm to you. 755 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,719 And of course I'm all right, apart from being burgled. 756 00:43:56,720 --> 00:44:01,080 Oh... Oh, I'm very disappointed in you. 757 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:04,159 Come on, then, what's the set-up? 758 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:06,759 What's in the holdall? Your wife knows what's in it. 759 00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:08,599 She said she needed it, so I brought it over 760 00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:10,559 cos I'm a generous and trusting neighbour. 761 00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:12,479 KNOCK ON DOOR PC HARNESS: Hello? 762 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:15,479 Oh... Come in, quickly. 763 00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:16,719 Evening. 764 00:44:16,720 --> 00:44:20,119 PC Harness, arrest this man for breaking and entering. 765 00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:21,759 Well, what's your proof? 766 00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:23,359 Well, he's come in through the window, 767 00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:25,959 there's nothing left in the safe, and he's carrying a holdall. 768 00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,679 What's in it? Well, that ain't a pound of sugar, is it? 769 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,840 Yes, it's the contents of our safe. Cash. 770 00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:34,319 Is there cash in there, Pop? 771 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,359 Yes, there is. 772 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:38,759 Then I'm afraid I gonna have to take you down 773 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,439 to the police station, Mr Larkin. 774 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:42,639 It's fortunate we'd called PC Harness here 775 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,279 to discuss a donation we're making to the local police charity. 776 00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,239 Oh, yeah, Alec, that is very handy (!) 777 00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:49,759 Did your husband put you up to this, or are you just as bad as him? 778 00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:52,639 Cos this ain't gonna work. I don't know what you mean. 779 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,760 Constable, please stop him bullying me. 780 00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:58,080 I hope you're gonna cuff him. 781 00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:03,759 Now... if you believe them, 782 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:07,399 you have got to be the most gullible copper in Kent. 783 00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:09,759 Y'know, in fact, I know you are. Oh! 784 00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:11,519 Ah! 785 00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:13,840 I'm gonna enjoy this when this all blows up in your face. 786 00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,440 BELL RINGS 787 00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:57,400 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com