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TITLE MUSIC PLAYS

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HE SLURPS

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Ah.

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Oh, come on.

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We Larkins, we don't approve
of worry, do we?

6
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Same way as we don't approve
of small portions,

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or meals without ketchup.

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<font color="#ffff00">Well, that's a wonderful attitude.</font>
Thank you kindly.

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<font color="#ffff00">For someone appearing in court</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in a week.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And who could be going to prison.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Primrose! You may be a brainbox,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">but you've got a lot to learn</font>
<font color="#ffff00">about keeping up family morale.</font>

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It's my accusers, they're the ones
that should be wearing

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the brown trousers,
if you get what I mean?

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<font color="#ffff00">Unhappy people do unhappy things.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">The Jerebohms are gonna learn</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the hard way.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You don't try and cheat the law,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">or the Law-kins.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I miss Mariette.</font>

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<font color="#008000">And Charley. This house</font>
<font color="#008000">is short of... tostesterone.</font>

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<font color="#008000">No, that's not right.</font>

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Toblerone?
<font color="#00ffff">Testosterone.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And they'd want to be here</font>
<font color="#00ffff">if she knew about it.</font>

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We won't tell 'em, will we?
Let 'em enjoy their honeymoon.

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Get the old wanderlust
out of their bones.

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<font color="#ffff00">Then they can return after</font>
<font color="#ffff00">this outrageous court case is over.</font>

25
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<font color="#ffff00">Not that we're fretting about it.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I'm late for work.</font>

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You have a good day, darling.
And here's a good tip.

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Go for good news, find the joy.

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<font color="#00ffff">I'm a responsible journalist,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">not Pollyanna.</font>

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I love a bit of mood.

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<font color="#ffff00">Aww.</font>

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<font color="#008000">You're a vicar.</font>
<font color="#008000">You're not supposed to love people.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Of course we should love people.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">It's the whole basis of the Church.</font>

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<font color="#008000">Concentrate on admin,</font>
<font color="#008000">religious instruction,</font>

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<font color="#008000">and, er, perking up the sick.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I admire Primrose Larkin purely as</font>
<font color="#ffff00">an intelligent, caring parishioner.</font>

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<font color="#008000">Cock and bull.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I know she's only 18,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but she's very emotionally mature.</font>

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<font color="#008000">More cock and bull.</font>

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<font color="#008000">Mainly cock.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I'm not going out with her!</font>

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<font color="#008000">Glad to hear it.</font>
<font color="#008000">And if you want a distraction,</font>

43
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<font color="#008000">you can take over some of my work.</font>

44
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<font color="#ffff00">I've already taken it all over!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Sorry, that... that was, erm...</font>
<font color="#ffff00">un-vicarly.</font>

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HE WHISTLES
A TUNE

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<font color="#00ffff">Whoa! Whoa!</font>
CLATTERING

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<font color="#00ffff">Oh! Argh!</font>

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Ivor! Stop mucking about!

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HE GROANS

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<font color="#00ffff">My arm!</font>
Oof.

52
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<font color="#ffff00">In fact, when Enid started here,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">women had to wear bonnets</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and gloves.</font>

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<font color="#008000">And we began every day</font>
<font color="#008000">by singing Rule Britannia.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">That's crazy!</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I should write a piece about it.</font>

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Don't. None of it's true.

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First law of journalism -
don't believe anyone,

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especially other journalists.
<font color="#00ffff">Is that true?</font>

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<font color="#008000">No. It's the third law.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">First law is always get a receipt</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for your expenses,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">second is</font>
<font color="#ffff00">never use the word diarrhoea.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Why not?</font>
It's just a horrible word.

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Primrose, I hear your father's gonna
be in court, charged with burglary.

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<font color="#00ffff">Yes, he is. </font>Obviously,
we'll report it sensitively,

65
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and very briefly.

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<font color="#00ffff">No. I want it reported</font>
<font color="#00ffff">proudly and in full</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">because my Pop is honest and decent,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">and literally the best father</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in Kent.</font>

69
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<font color="#00ffff">And I'll cover it for the newspaper.</font>

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No, no, that would be unethical.

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<font color="#008000">And we need you</font>
<font color="#008000">to collate the classifieds</font>

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<font color="#008000">and the hockey results.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Which is more important,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">hockey or my Pop's freedom?</font>

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<font color="#008000">To the hockey fans, the hockey.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I'm a reporter. I'll be fair.</font>

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All right, but in order to avoid
accusations of bias,

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you'll need to use a pseudonym.
We have several on file.

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Jill Quimbyson, Trevor Mang.

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<font color="#008000">Harry Streets, Tim Pigman.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Ada O'Flaherty.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I'll make my own, thanks.</font>

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Oh, suit yourself.

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<font color="#00ffff">Afternoon, Mrs Larkin.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">It's absolutely ghastly</font>
<font color="#00ffff">about Mr Larkin.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Thank you, Edith,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but we are strong people.</font>

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<font color="#008000">Why would Pop burgle anyone when</font>
<font color="#008000">he's already got lashings of money?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Exactly.</font>

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Though the court
may uncover other motivation -

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rivalry, kleptomania.

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Or the sheer thrill of the snatch.

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<font color="#008000">Miss Chand doesn't mean any harm.</font>
<font color="#008000">She reads a lot of detective novels.</font>

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Well, PC Harness was there,
and he saw fit to arrest Mr Larkin.

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<font color="#ffff00">That is because PC Harness is dim,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and monumentally gullible.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Bless him.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">All right, Mrs Larkin?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I've had better weeks,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">if I'm honest, Pauline.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">We were just talking about</font>
<font color="#ffff00">your boyfriend.</font>

97
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<font color="#00ffff">I've given him an earful</font>
<font color="#00ffff">about how he let Pop down.</font>

98
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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, but he's a nice fella, your lad.</font>
<font color="#008000">Bright as a button.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">He isn't, though, is he?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'm bored with him.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font>

101
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<font color="#00ffff">It's like being followed around</font>
<font color="#00ffff">by a puppy wearing a hard blue hat.</font>

102
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<font color="#008000">Scum! Enemy of the people!</font>

103
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<font color="#00ffff">Come away, Miss Pilchester.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Just to be clear,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">we're all fully aware</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">that you put the Jerebohms</font>
<font color="#ffff00">up to this.</font>

106
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I know you're upset,
so probably a little wobbly,

107
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:10,959
but that is slander.

108
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<font color="#00ffff">Maybe we should sue you,</font>

109
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<font color="#00ffff">so you can appear in the dock</font>
<font color="#00ffff">with your husband.</font>

110
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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, if anyone's gonna be joining me</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in the dock,</font>

111
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<font color="#ffff00">it'll be you</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and your fellow conspirators.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Hardly. Apart from anything,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">our good friends, the Jerebohms,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">have engaged one of the country's</font>
<font color="#00ffff">top lawyers.</font>

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Mr Barlow. From London.
He never loses.

115
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<font color="#ffff00">Well, there's a first time</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for everything.</font>

116
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<font color="#ffff00">You can't buy justice.</font>

117
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<font color="#ffff00">I hope.</font>

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How am I meant to get it
in the paper?

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Ah. It's our celebrity vicar!

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Not bad, eh?

121
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<font color="#ffff00">Good day to you, Miss Larkin.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Good afternoon, Reverend Candy.</font>

122
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<font color="#ffff00">Thank you for joining me for lunch.</font>

123
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<font color="#00ffff">No, thank YOU.</font>

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So formal?
<font color="#00ffff">He's briefing me</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">on religious matters</font>
<font color="#00ffff">for an article I'm keen to write.</font>

126
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Oh, sounds like a riot (!)

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So, seven o'clock,
I need it on my desk. Tonight.

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<font color="#00ffff">Oi.</font>

129
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<font color="#ffff00">Oi, yourself.</font>

130
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<font color="#00ffff">How are you getting on</font>
<font color="#00ffff">with your copper?</font>

131
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<font color="#ffff00">None of your business, Vic.</font>

132
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<font color="#00ffff">I imagine you're still</font>
<font color="#00ffff">burning a torch for Charley,</font>

133
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<font color="#00ffff">Mariette's husband.</font>

134
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<font color="#ffff00">Do you?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I've never seen a couple</font>

135
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<font color="#00ffff">more in love on their wedding day.</font>

136
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm surprised you noticed,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">you old drunk.</font>

137
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<font color="#00ffff">Well, good for you, if you're happy</font>
<font color="#00ffff">with PC Pointless.</font>

138
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<font color="#ffff00">Fish paste sandwich?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, thanks.</font>

139
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<font color="#00ffff">Half a goose?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Thank you.</font>

140
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<font color="#00ffff">I'm just not used to</font>
<font color="#00ffff">keeping secrets.</font>

141
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<font color="#00ffff">It's not the Larkin way.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Especially about happy things.</font>

142
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<font color="#ffff00">I'm sorry, it's just simpler.</font>

143
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<font color="#ffff00">People think vicars</font>
<font color="#ffff00">are public property,</font>

144
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<font color="#ffff00">there to serve just them.</font>

145
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<font color="#00ffff">As long as you're not ashamed of me.</font>

146
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,320
<font color="#ffff00">Of course I'm not.</font>
SHE GIGGLES

147
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<font color="#00ffff">You've got fish paste in my mouth!</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I don't care.</font>

148
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<font color="#ffff00">Loaves and fishes?</font>

149
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THEY CHUCKLE

150
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<font color="#00ffff">I still think it's silly,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">keeping it quiet.</font>

151
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,960
<font color="#008000">Didn't see me.</font>

152
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
<font color="#008000">No, it's fine. On your way.</font>

153
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,959
<font color="#008000">I still can't believe</font>
<font color="#008000">people listen to what I say!</font>

154
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,480
<font color="#008000">I suppose they have to.</font>

155
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,480
<font color="#008000">Oh, the day gets better and better.</font>

156
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:18,960
<font color="#ffff00">Don't say that.</font>

157
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<font color="#ffff00">What a waste of such pretty faces.</font>

158
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,960
<font color="#ffff00">Quick, someone,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">rustle me up a smile.</font>

159
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,959
<font color="#ffff00">Oh!</font>

160
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,959
<font color="#008000">We're still worried about Pop.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">He's still not taking it serious.</font>

161
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">Well, I am.</font>

162
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,959
<font color="#ffff00">Law books from the library.</font>

163
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<font color="#ffff00">And Pop is taking it serious,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in his own way,</font>

164
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,639
<font color="#ffff00">but it's...</font>
HAMMERING

165
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,959
Order! Order!

166
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HE LAUGHS

167
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,959
Look what I found
in the dressing-up box.

168
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,480
Judge Pop!

169
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,959
Oh. Ivor's broken his arm,
and everyone else is on holibobs,

170
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,959
so I'm gonna do
the swimming pool myself.

171
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,960
<font color="#ffff00">No, you're not, darling.</font>

172
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,999
<font color="#ffff00">The Jerebohms' lawyer is top-notch.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">He's from London. Never loses.</font>

173
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That's what they said about Hitler.
<font color="#ffff00">What?</font>

174
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,959
Come on, ease up, Ma, eh?
I'm not good at the serious.

175
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,959
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, nor am I, but we're in a hole,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">so drop everything else -</font>

176
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<font color="#ffff00">geese, swimming pools -</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and we will prepare our case</font>

177
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<font color="#ffff00">so we're ready for anything</font>
<font color="#ffff00">they throw at us.</font>

178
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,959
<font color="#00ffff">The textbooks do advise against</font>
<font color="#00ffff">representing yourself in court, Pop.</font>

179
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But you know what, Prim,
one thing I am good at,

180
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talking my way out of a hole.
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, that's true.</font>

181
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,959
<font color="#ffff00">He's a natural performer,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">always was.</font>

182
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<font color="#ffff00">Halfway through our first date,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">he whipped out his...</font>

183
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,479
<font color="#008000">We know!</font>
<font color="#00ffff">You told us.</font>

184
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">..mouth organ.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">If you're doing without a lawyer,</font>

185
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,479
<font color="#00ffff">you'll need to rein in your natural</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Larkin-ness. </font>I can tone that down.

186
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,959
<font color="#ffff00">Stress your generous nature.</font>

187
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,639
Yeah, but I don't wanna boast, Ma.
<font color="#00ffff">You don't have to.</font>

188
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,799
<font color="#00ffff">Call character witnesses who list</font>
<font color="#00ffff">your good points. </font><font color="#008000">I'll do it!</font>

189
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,959
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, Victoria, you're a darling.</font>

190
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">But it can't be family.</font>

191
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,959
<font color="#00ffff">You need to memorise some paperwork</font>
<font color="#00ffff">because reading isn't your forte.</font>

192
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,319
Forty?
I thought I was probably about a 12.

193
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,959
THEY LAUGH

194
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,959
<font color="#008000">You should use that in court, Dad.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">No, he really shouldn't.</font>

195
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,959
SHE SNIFFLES

196
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,959
<font color="#008000">Thank you.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Little cherub.</font>

197
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,959
<font color="#00ffff">We'll finish building</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the swimming pool.</font>

198
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,959
<font color="#ffff00">Are you sure, cabbage?</font>

199
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,959
<font color="#ffff00">I mean, we all know you're</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a technical how's-yer-father,</font>

200
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:22,959
<font color="#ffff00">but it's a big job.</font>

201
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,960
<font color="#008000">No, we will.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">We wanna help.</font>

202
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,799
<font color="#008000">We've been stepping out</font>
<font color="#008000">for six months now,</font>

203
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,959
<font color="#008000">so I must be doing something right!</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Not necessarily.</font>

204
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,959
<font color="#008000">But you love my uniform.</font>

205
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,160
<font color="#ffff00">Nah, the novelty's worn off.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And the helmet's just irritating.</font>

206
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,959
<font color="#008000">Well, erm, OK.</font>
<font color="#008000">Er, what else am I doing wrong?</font>

207
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">Well, you left it to the vicar</font>

208
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,959
<font color="#ffff00">to fight off that bunch of thugs</font>
<font color="#ffff00">last week.</font>

209
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,999
<font color="#ffff00">No, not bad Vicar. Good Vicar.</font>

210
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,639
<font color="#00ffff">So I told him,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">"Yes, I'll baptise your dog</font>

211
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:52,959
<font color="#00ffff">"if you give me</font>
<font color="#00ffff">your three-piece suite."</font>

212
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,959
<font color="#008000">Your Rev looks like he needs a pint,</font>
<font color="#008000">and a laugh.</font>

213
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,319
<font color="#00ffff">No, he's not really one</font>
<font color="#00ffff">for pleasure.</font>

214
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,959
<font color="#ffff00">And you do that daft grin.</font>
<font color="#008000">You like it, you said it was sweet.</font>

215
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,959
<font color="#ffff00">Now you just look like an idiot.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And you arrested Pop Larkin.</font>

216
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,639
<font color="#008000">He was carrying a bag full of cash,</font>
<font color="#008000">standing next to an empty safe!</font>

217
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,959
<font color="#ffff00">I don't care!</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Support the decent folk.</font>

218
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,959
<font color="#ffff00">Mariette's a cow,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but Pop's always been a sweetheart.</font>

219
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,959
<font color="#008000">Look, I can fix all this -</font>
<font color="#008000">the bravery,</font>

220
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,959
<font color="#008000">my dribbling when we kiss,</font>
<font color="#008000">crying after we have our snookies,</font>

221
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,959
<font color="#008000">and the daft grinning.</font>

222
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,960
<font color="#008000">And I'll make sure Pop gets off, OK?</font>
<font color="#008000">I promise.</font>

223
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,959
<font color="#008000">You're the best thing</font>
<font color="#008000">in my life, Pauline.</font>

224
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,959
<font color="#008000">And that used to be</font>
<font color="#008000">being a policeman.</font>

225
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,959
<font color="#ffff00">No, you've had a good run.</font>

226
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:31,960
<font color="#ffff00">It's over.</font>

227
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:57,960
MAN: <font color="#00ffff">Quiet, please.</font>

228
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960
<font color="#00ffff">Will the defendant please stand?</font>

229
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,959
<font color="#00ffff">Sidney Charles Larkin,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">you are hereby charged</font>

230
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,639
<font color="#00ffff">that on the 5th of July 1959,</font>

231
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:15,319
<font color="#00ffff">at Bluff Court, Littlechurch,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">you unlawfully appropriated cash</font>

232
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,959
<font color="#00ffff">to the value of £500</font>

233
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,959
<font color="#00ffff">belonging to</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a Mrs Phyllis Mae Jerebohm</font>

234
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,959
<font color="#00ffff">and a Mr Cuthbert Raoul Jerebohm.</font>

235
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,959
<font color="#00ffff">Do you plead guilty, or not guilty?</font>

236
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:28,960
What do you think?

237
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,959
<font color="#008000">Maybe we shouldn't have offered</font>
<font color="#008000">to do this. </font><font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

238
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,959
<font color="#ffff00">Let's just fill it with water,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">add a few ducks. </font><font color="#00ffff">And call it a pond.</font>

239
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,479
Come on, we can do it.

240
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,959
<font color="#008000">Yeah. The first thing Pop can do</font>
<font color="#008000">when he's not guilty</font>

241
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,800
<font color="#008000">is come home and take a swim</font>
<font color="#008000">in his new pool.</font>

242
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,799
<font color="#ffff00">The facts are that you were found</font>

243
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,799
<font color="#ffff00">by Mr and Mrs Jerebohm</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in their home, having broken in,</font>

244
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,959
<font color="#ffff00">witnessed by Alec Norman</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and PC Harness,</font>

245
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,959
<font color="#ffff00">carrying a hold-all</font>
<font color="#ffff00">full of banknotes,</font>

246
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,959
<font color="#ffff00">while their safe lay open and empty.</font>

247
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,959
Bit of a coincidence, in't it, eh?

248
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,959
Them calling a copper
even before I've arrived.

249
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,960
Don't that say set-up to you?

250
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,639
<font color="#ffff00">It's my turn to ask the questions.</font>

251
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,959
And I got a phone call
ten minutes earlier

252
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,959
from a very weepy Pinkie Jerebohm,
begging me to take over some cash

253
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:26,959
cos she needs escape funds

254
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,959
as her old man is bullying her
and keeping her short, yeah?

255
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,959
<font color="#ffff00">Unforgivable, what she did!</font>

256
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,959
<font color="#008000">No contributions</font>
<font color="#008000">from the public, please.</font>

257
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">We threw a barbecue for them,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and this is the thanks we get!</font>

258
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,640
Ah, thank you, Ma. Next question.
Keep 'em coming.

259
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,959
<font color="#ffff00">It's a scandal</font>
<font color="#ffff00">they don't allow smoking in court.</font>

260
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, and peeing.</font>

261
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,639
<font color="#ffff00">All right, Brigadier?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Yes. It's, er, going well in there.</font>

262
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:03,960
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, looking good.</font>

263
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,959
<font color="#00ffff">Are you all right, PC Harness?</font>

264
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,479
<font color="#008000">No. Pauline's chucked me</font>
<font color="#008000">cos, apparently, I'm boring.</font>

265
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,959
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, dear.</font>

266
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,959
<font color="#008000">And irritating.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, dear.</font>

267
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,959
<font color="#008000">And cos I let down Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#008000">by arresting him.</font>

268
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:21,960
<font color="#00ffff">Mm.</font>

269
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,959
<font color="#008000">How am I gonna get Pauline back?</font>

270
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
<font color="#00ffff">Are you sure you want her back?</font>

271
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,959
<font color="#00ffff">She's quite sulky.</font>

272
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,959
<font color="#008000">You're joking, aren't you?</font>

273
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,959
<font color="#008000">She's the sexiest girl</font>
<font color="#008000">in the whole of Kent.</font>

274
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,959
<font color="#00ffff">Right.</font>

275
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,959
<font color="#00ffff">Of course, you could start</font>
<font color="#00ffff">by helping get Pop off</font>

276
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,959
<font color="#00ffff">when you testify in court.</font>
<font color="#008000">Yes. That's on my list.</font>

277
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,959
<font color="#00ffff">Now, I'm no expert in love,</font>

278
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,959
<font color="#00ffff">but Pauline seems the type</font>
<font color="#00ffff">who wants what she can't have,</font>

279
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,959
<font color="#00ffff">so make her jealous.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Go out with someone else.</font>

280
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:54,959
<font color="#008000">That's brilliant.</font>

281
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,159
<font color="#00ffff">Actually,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">it's quite basic psychology.</font>

282
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,959
<font color="#008000">Oh.</font>

283
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,959
<font color="#008000">OK.</font>

284
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,959
Hello, constable.
I need the ladies'.

285
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,959
<font color="#008000">Speaking of which, so do I!</font>

286
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:06,960
HE LAUGHS

287
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,999
<font color="#008000">Hey, Libby, are you free</font>
<font color="#008000">to go out with me?</font>

288
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,999
Um...

289
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,960
Oh, that's such
a difficult decision.

290
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,640
No.

291
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,959
<font color="#ffff00">Mr Norman,</font>

292
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,959
<font color="#ffff00">you were present</font>

293
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,479
<font color="#ffff00">when the accused</font>
<font color="#ffff00">committed the offence.</font>

294
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,959
<font color="#00ffff">Yes. Mr and Mrs Jerebohm and I</font>
<font color="#00ffff">were foregathering</font>

295
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,479
<font color="#00ffff">to discuss a charity donation</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to the Mid Kent Police,</font>

296
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,959
<font color="#00ffff">whose work we hugely admire.</font>

297
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,639
<font color="#00ffff">Law and order are vital</font>

298
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,959
<font color="#00ffff">now that so many social structures</font>
<font color="#00ffff">are broken.</font>

299
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,319
<font color="#008000">Amen to that.</font>

300
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">This is a con! He's never given</font>
<font color="#ffff00">away a penny in his life!</font>

301
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,479
<font color="#008000">One more outpouring and I will</font>
<font color="#008000">have you removed from this place.</font>

302
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,959
<font color="#ffff00">Apologies. I will control myself.</font>

303
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,479
<font color="#00ffff">That's where Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and we three differ -</font>

304
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,959
<font color="#00ffff">he thinks nothing</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of robbing his neighbours.</font>

305
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,959
<font color="#00ffff">We are large-scale philanthropists.</font>

306
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,959
<font color="#ffff00">He is just making things up!</font>

307
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,960
<font color="#008000">That's enough! Remove that woman.</font>

308
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,960
You are asking for more than a slap.

309
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:25,959
<font color="#00ffff">You see, Your Honours?</font>

310
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,959
<font color="#00ffff">That's the real Pop, right there.</font>

311
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:29,960
<font color="#00ffff">Terrifying.</font>

312
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">Did you, at any time,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">ring the accused</font>

313
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,479
<font color="#ffff00">and ask him to bring you money?</font>

314
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,959
<font color="#00ffff">No, I didn't. Mr Jerebohm</font>
<font color="#00ffff">is kind and most generous.</font>

315
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:50,959
<font color="#00ffff">I lack for nothing.</font>

316
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
<font color="#ffff00">Well...</font>

317
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:58,959
<font color="#ffff00">Why do you imagine Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#ffff00">burgled your house?</font>

318
00:16:58,960 --> 00:16:59,959
<font color="#00ffff">Well, I trusted him,</font>

319
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,959
<font color="#00ffff">so I mentioned we keep cash</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in our not-very-safe safe,</font>

320
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,159
<font color="#00ffff">and the cars were parked</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in the garage for once,</font>

321
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,959
<font color="#00ffff">so it looked like we were out.</font>

322
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,959
<font color="#ffff00">Mm.</font>

323
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:13,320
<font color="#ffff00">And did he, erm...</font>
<font color="#ffff00">have any reason to hate you?</font>

324
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,320
<font color="#00ffff">Jealousy.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Ah.</font>

325
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,319
<font color="#ffff00">Tell me more about his, erm,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">jealousy.</font>

326
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,959
<font color="#00ffff">Well, he was jealous</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of our big house</font>

327
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,999
<font color="#00ffff">that he used to own,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">but couldn't afford to maintain.</font>

328
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,959
<font color="#008000">Poor lady.</font>

329
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
<font color="#008000">Awful experience.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Hear, hear.</font>

330
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,959
<font color="#ffff00">Want a spray? It's lovely stuff.</font>

331
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,959
<font color="#ffff00">Covers up the stench of lies.</font>

332
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:55,960
<font color="#ffff00">No?</font>

333
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,959
<font color="#ffff00">How's it going?</font>

334
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,959
Oh, it's a load of old codswallop
being spoken in there,

335
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,959
I'll tell you that.
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry - my mouth.</font>

336
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,960
You've been slung out of
worse places, Ma.

337
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,959
<font color="#008000">Hello, Primrose.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, hello.</font>

338
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,479
<font color="#008000">I'm testifying shortly.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Must be nerve-wracking.</font>

339
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,959
<font color="#008000">I'm used to it. The important thing</font>
<font color="#008000">is we get your dad off.</font>

340
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:18,999
<font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font>

341
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,999
<font color="#008000">So, I hear you're footloose</font>
<font color="#008000">and fancy free.</font>

342
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,639
<font color="#00ffff">Well, in fact, I'm...</font>

343
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,319
<font color="#00ffff">Yes. Yes, I am.</font>

344
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,959
<font color="#008000">Me, too. It feels odd.</font>

345
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,959
<font color="#008000">I guess I'm very monogamous.</font>

346
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,959
<font color="#00ffff">So you're more of a gibbon</font>
<font color="#00ffff">or a penguin than a lion.</font>

347
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,959
<font color="#008000">So you've heard my mum talking?</font>

348
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
SHE CHUCKLES

349
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:44,960
<font color="#008000">All right, mate?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

350
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,159
I wish we were there.

351
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,959
<font color="#008000">Ma didn't want us to see Pop</font>
<font color="#008000">having to be rude.</font>

352
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,959
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, he has to say things like,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"The court knows you're lying."</font>

353
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,479
<font color="#008000">And, "I put it to you</font>
<font color="#008000">that you're a bloody toe-rag."</font>

354
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,960
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, I guess he's just trying</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to protect us.</font>

355
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,959
<font color="#ffff00">Whoa!</font>

356
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
<font color="#ffff00">Stop that! Stop that!</font>

357
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,959
<font color="#ffff00">Stop it! Stop it! Argh!</font>
THEY CHUCKLE

358
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,799
Well, they say the law is an ass.
<font color="#00ffff">They do.</font>

359
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:14,959
But I love an ass, don't you?

360
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,960
<font color="#00ffff">I do. I'm glad you do, too.</font>

361
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,319
Mr Delamere!

362
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,959
<font color="#ffff00">Darlings. How sublime to see you.</font>

363
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,959
<font color="#00ffff">Lost in thought?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Actually, I'm researching a role.</font>

364
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,959
"Man on bench"?
<font color="#ffff00">Touche.</font>

365
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,959
<font color="#ffff00">No, in fact, for this part,</font>

366
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,479
<font color="#ffff00">I have to look back a lot</font>
<font color="#ffff00">over my life,</font>

367
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,960
<font color="#ffff00">so I'm working on</font>
<font color="#ffff00">my nostalgic gaze.</font>

368
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">Or perhaps I should add</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a sprinkling of hauteur?</font>

369
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,959
No, I think you've got that covered.
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, I'd agree with that.</font>

370
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,799
<font color="#ffff00">Listen, I hear that Pop Larkin's</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in a bit of a bind.</font>

371
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,959
<font color="#ffff00">Can this be true?</font>
Yes.

372
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,639
We're due to appear
as character witnesses tomorrow.

373
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:49,959
We're wracked with nerves.

374
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,959
<font color="#ffff00">I have played so many law men.</font>

375
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,959
<font color="#ffff00">Did you catch my Judge Bendelack</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in Peterborough?</font>

376
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,959
<font color="#00ffff">No, I missed that, sadly.</font>
Me, too. Damn.

377
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,639
<font color="#ffff00">It taught me how to win over</font>
<font color="#ffff00">an audience.</font>

378
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,959
<font color="#ffff00">For what is a court of law,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">if not a theatre?</font>

379
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,960
<font color="#00ffff">Well, I know most people find plays</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a bit of a trial.</font>

380
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,959
<font color="#ffff00">Pop's a good man. I'd love to help.</font>

381
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,959
<font color="#ffff00">Perhaps I could talk you</font>
<font color="#ffff00">through the process,</font>

382
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:14,959
<font color="#ffff00">use of voice and so on.</font>

383
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,319
Thanks, but I don't think you...
<font color="#ffff00">No, no, no, I insist.</font>

384
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,959
<font color="#ffff00">For thrice is he arm'd</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that hath his quarrel just.</font>

385
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,159
<font color="#00ffff">What does that mean?</font>

386
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,800
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, I never worry about the meaning.</font>

387
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,959
<font color="#ffff00">Hmm.</font>

388
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,799
<font color="#ffff00">Constable Harness,</font>

389
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,959
<font color="#ffff00">you immediately arrested Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#ffff00">when you caught him red-handed.</font>

390
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,959
<font color="#008000">In fact,</font>
<font color="#008000">I regret arresting Mr Larkin</font>

391
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,959
<font color="#008000">because I consider him innocent.</font>

392
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,959
LAWYER CHUCKLES
<font color="#ffff00">And you say that now</font>

393
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,959
<font color="#ffff00">because your girlfriend,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Miss Malloy,</font>

394
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,959
<font color="#ffff00">is a huge admirer of Mr Larkin,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is she not?</font>

395
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:01,959
<font color="#008000">She's, er...</font>

396
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,959
<font color="#008000">She's not my girlfriend.</font>

397
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960
<font color="#008000">In any case,</font>
<font color="#008000">I have always been my own man.</font>

398
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,960
<font color="#ffff00">Mm.</font>

399
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,999
<font color="#ffff00">Did you search Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#ffff00">when you arrested him?</font>

400
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,959
<font color="#008000">Yes, I did.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And what did you find?</font>

401
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,959
<font color="#008000">Nothing incriminating.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Ah. We'll be the judge of that.</font>

402
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,959
<font color="#008000">As I recall,</font>
<font color="#008000">it was half a tube of Rolos.</font>

403
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:28,959
That's a crime now, is it,
carrying confectionery?

404
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,959
<font color="#ffff00">No.</font>
Just checking.

405
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:35,959
<font color="#ffff00">And what else did he have,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">PC Harness?</font>

406
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:36,959
<font color="#008000">Erm, a hip flask.</font>

407
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">And?</font>
<font color="#008000">A knife.</font>

408
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:44,959
<font color="#ffff00">Ah. So, Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#ffff00">was carrying a weapon.</font>

409
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,959
<font color="#008000">No, no, no, it's completely normal</font>
<font color="#008000">round these parts.</font>

410
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,999
<font color="#008000">It's for getting stones out</font>
<font color="#008000">from under your shoes, and... </font><font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font>

411
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,959
<font color="#008000">..that sort of thing.</font>

412
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,959
<font color="#ffff00">Let the bench note that we're now</font>
<font color="#ffff00">dealing with armed burglary,</font>

413
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:58,160
<font color="#ffff00">which doubles the potential sentence</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to... two years.</font>

414
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,959
Constable...

415
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,960
<font color="#008000">I'm having a really bad week.</font>
<font color="#008000">Please don't ask me anything.</font>

416
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,959
<font color="#ffff00">Despite all the bad blood shown</font>
<font color="#ffff00">here today,</font>

417
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,479
<font color="#ffff00">there's one thing I'm not gonna do.</font>

418
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:26,999
Let a few snakes undermine our faith
in the beauty of the human spirit?

419
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,159
<font color="#ffff00">I couldn't have put it better.</font>

420
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,960
<font color="#ffff00">Ham, chips and a gallon of beer</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for tea? </font>Yeah.

421
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,959
<font color="#008000">I'm so sorry. I feel terrible.</font>

422
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,959
<font color="#00ffff">You did your best.</font>

423
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,960
<font color="#008000">You're so kind.</font>
<font color="#008000">You always have been.</font>

424
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,960
<font color="#008000">This is, erm, bad timing, but do you</font>
<font color="#008000">fancy going for a drink later?</font>

425
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,479
<font color="#00ffff">Thanks, Constable,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">but it's a busy time.</font>

426
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,159
<font color="#00ffff">You know, new job, Dad might</font>
<font color="#00ffff">go to prison... </font><font color="#008000">I understand.</font>

427
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:59,960
<font color="#008000">I'm relieved, in fact,</font>
<font color="#008000">cos I'm still in love with Pauline.</font>

428
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,959
<font color="#00ffff">Well, she's looking over at us now,</font>

429
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,959
<font color="#00ffff">so maybe it'll help you</font>
<font color="#00ffff">get back with her.</font>

430
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:11,959
<font color="#008000">Well, I'd hate for you to think</font>
<font color="#008000">that I'm using you, but, erm...</font>

431
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:14,960
<font color="#008000">that sounds encouraging. Thank you.</font>

432
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:25,960
Mmm.

433
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,319
<font color="#00ffff">Where's Primrose?</font>

434
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,960
<font color="#ffff00">She said she needed to go for</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a long walk.</font>

435
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,479
Oi, don't make me start
a community sing-song.

436
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,159
Come on, tomorrow's another day.

437
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,959
<font color="#008000">Don't you need, like,</font>
<font color="#008000">professional legal help, Pop?</font>

438
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,159
<font color="#008000">Even at this stage?</font>

439
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,959
<font color="#ffff00">It's not his fault that the couple</font>
<font color="#ffff00">are so good at lying,</font>

440
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,959
<font color="#ffff00">cos they've clearly had</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a lot of practice.</font>

441
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:51,959
<font color="#00ffff">Can we come and watch tomorrow?</font>

442
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,319
No, you don't wanna waste your time
with that nonsense.

443
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,159
<font color="#ffff00">You still need to</font>
<font color="#ffff00">take it serious, Pop.</font>

444
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,959
Ma, the thing I take serious
is my family,

445
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,959
decent folk I know,
and pleasures of the flesh.

446
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,999
Wahey!
HE CHUCKLES

447
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,959
The rest is cobblers.
Pass the gammon.

448
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,959
Monty, how's the pool going?
<font color="#008000">Good, but we need help.</font>

449
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,959
<font color="#ffff00">Don't worry, we'll pitch in</font>
<font color="#ffff00">when the case is over.</font>

450
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,960
<font color="#00ffff">We know what we're doing.</font>

451
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,959
<font color="#00ffff">I'd love to grab your hand</font>

452
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,960
<font color="#00ffff">and just run through the village</font>
<font color="#00ffff">shouting our names.</font>

453
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,959
<font color="#ffff00">And what would that achieve?</font>

454
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,959
<font color="#00ffff">This doesn't feel real</font>
<font color="#00ffff">until we share it.</font>

455
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,959
<font color="#00ffff">And it's not like</font>
<font color="#00ffff">you're a Catholic priest</font>

456
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,959
<font color="#00ffff">who's not allowed to enjoy,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">you know... </font><font color="#ffff00">Yes. </font><font color="#00ffff">..love and sex.</font>

457
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:41,959
<font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font>

458
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,800
<font color="#ffff00">No.</font>

459
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,999
<font color="#00ffff">I was asked out today</font>
<font color="#00ffff">because he thought I was single,</font>

460
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,640
<font color="#00ffff">and I couldn't say I'm not.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">It was really awkward.</font>

461
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,639
<font color="#00ffff">So next time, I'll say yes and see</font>
<font color="#00ffff">what it's like to have a simple,</font>

462
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,639
<font color="#00ffff">honest relationship</font>
<font color="#00ffff">like most people.</font>

463
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,000
<font color="#ffff00">Well, if that's what you want to do,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">go ahead.</font>

464
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,319
FILM: 'You're in a mess, Peggy,
an almighty mess,

465
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,959
'but I'm going to see that you
get a fair trial.'

466
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,959
<font color="#ffff00">'Thank you kindly, sir.'</font>

467
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,959
'Don't thank me. Thank God
that we're living in a country

468
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,799
'where justice is within easy reach
for all.'

469
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:40,960
DRAMATIC
VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

470
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,960
THUD
'Argh!'

471
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,959
<font color="#00ffff">Should we discuss what we've learnt,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in terms of Mr Larkin's legal case?</font>

472
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:08,959
<font color="#ffff00">Yes. It's terribly good, but we have</font>
<font color="#ffff00">been watching for a while.</font>

473
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,960
Wait, wait, wait. I'm very vivid
in this scene. Watch.

474
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,959
<font color="#008000">So, if you have heard anything</font>
<font color="#008000">regarding Valentine,</font>

475
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,960
<font color="#008000">she was last seen...</font>

476
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,959
<font color="#00ffff">What's your Christian name?</font>
<font color="#008000">Hedley. </font><font color="#00ffff">Hedley Harness?</font>

477
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:36,959
<font color="#008000">Yeah.</font>

478
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,960
<font color="#00ffff">No wonder you kept that quiet.</font>

479
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,960
<font color="#00ffff">Thank you.</font>

480
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,959
<font color="#00ffff">Evening, Pauline.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'll have a half of cider. Hedley?</font>

481
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,479
<font color="#ffff00">I know what he likes.</font>

482
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,960
<font color="#ffff00">Two and fourpence.</font>

483
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,959
I didn't know you two were mates.

484
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,320
<font color="#008000">Oh, yeah, it's been bubbling up</font>
<font color="#008000">for a while.</font>

485
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:05,960
<font color="#ffff00">I'll bring it over.</font>

486
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,960
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, dear!</font>

487
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:21,960
<font color="#00ffff">Thank you.</font>

488
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:27,960
<font color="#008000">Well, cheers.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Cheers.</font>

489
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,480
HE SNORTS

490
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,960
<font color="#008000">Oh, that's mainly Worcester sauce</font>
<font color="#008000">with a hint of pork.</font>

491
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,960
DOOR SLAMS

492
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,479
FILM: 'If the Sheriff of Nottingham

493
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,959
'believes he can set foot
in this forest,

494
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,959
'then he's got another
thing coming!'

495
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:55,960
CHEERING IN FILM

496
00:27:58,960 --> 00:27:59,959
REEL CLATTERS

497
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,000
<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font>

498
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,640
There. Now to work.

499
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,959
<font color="#008000">Did I say that I'm happy</font>
<font color="#008000">with our strategy,</font>

500
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,959
<font color="#008000">but I'm a bit worried</font>
<font color="#008000">that I've offended Pauline?</font>

501
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:17,960
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, you did.</font>

502
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:22,959
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, I should say</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that I have a boyfriend.</font>

503
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,959
<font color="#008000">Oh.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">But I can't name him.</font>

504
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,960
<font color="#008000">Why?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Exactly!</font>

505
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:41,959
<font color="#ffff00">The truth will out tomorrow,</font>

506
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:46,800
<font color="#ffff00">and I, for one, am more excited</font>
<font color="#ffff00">even than before our wedding night.</font>

507
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,959
<font color="#ffff00">We agreed we'd make this round last,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">didn't we, Norma?</font>

508
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:54,960
<font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font>

509
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:03,960
<font color="#00ffff">Except the truth is... that you</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and the Jerebohms lied in court.</font>

510
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,800
<font color="#00ffff">So let's hope it doesn't get out.</font>

511
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,959
<font color="#008000">So, this man that you're seeing...</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font>

512
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,959
<font color="#008000">..you want him to know</font>
<font color="#008000">that you're out with me?</font>

513
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,959
<font color="#00ffff">Yes. I assumed that</font>
<font color="#00ffff">news of us coming in together</font>

514
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,640
<font color="#00ffff">would get back to him somehow.</font>

515
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,800
<font color="#00ffff">Mm, that might be a problem.</font>

516
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,960
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, I think news</font>
<font color="#00ffff">will get back to him now.</font>

517
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,960
THEY SING
THE SAME NOTE

518
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:57,959
So, that's voice projection.

519
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,959
Now, the keys to being listened to
and believed

520
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,959
are repeat and retard.

521
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:04,959
<font color="#00ffff">Retard?</font>

522
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:06,959
Yes. Take Anthony in Julius Caesar.

523
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,959
He says "Brutus is
an honourable man" four times.

524
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,959
<font color="#ffff00">Right.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">That's too many times.</font>

525
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,959
No, no, no, no.
No, the more you repeat it,

526
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:17,959
the truer it becomes.
And retard your delivery.

527
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,959
Edith in particular, darling,
cos you're a bit of a gabbler.

528
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,959
So, Mr Larkin

529
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,960
is... generous... and honest.

530
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,959
And as the coup de grace, I like to
add a little break in the voice

531
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,159
to convey emotion.

532
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,959
As in... Mr Larkin is

533
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:39,960
the... kindest man alive.

534
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,959
It's a bit advanced,
but give it a go.

535
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:47,159
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, er... Mr Larkin</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is the kindest...</font>

536
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:48,959
<font color="#ffff00">I'm sorry.</font>

537
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:52,959
<font color="#ffff00">Mr Larkin is the kind...</font>

538
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:54,479
SHE COUGHS
No, no, no, no, darling,

539
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:55,959
that's too much. Pull it back.

540
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:57,959
SHE COUGHS

541
00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,959
<font color="#00ffff">Johnny, much appreciated,</font>

542
00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,319
<font color="#00ffff">but I think</font>
<font color="#00ffff">people like genuine emotion.</font>

543
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,959
Yes, and faking that genuineness
takes hard work, believe me.

544
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:08,959
Now, costume.

545
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:10,959
<font color="#00ffff">Costume?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I think he just means clothing.</font>

546
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:14,959
The best way to inspire trust
is to wear bright colours.

547
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,959
"Let him put on gay raiment
who would truth speak,"

548
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,959
as Shakespeare put it... probably.

549
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,959
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, I thought</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'd wear my army uniform.</font>

550
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,959
No, no, no. As a character witness,

551
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,959
you have to come across as warm
and friendly.

552
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,959
So wear a cuddly jumper.

553
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,959
And so, with that final
knitwear recommendation,

554
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:35,319
good luck tomorrow.

555
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,960
And let us try to keep Pop
out of prison!

556
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,960
HE GENTLY SNORES

557
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,960
Out you jump, Ma.
There you go, all right?

558
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:11,959
<font color="#ffff00">You pink hussy!</font>

559
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,960
Hey, hey, hey, Ma, come on.
Ma, come on.

560
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,959
<font color="#ffff00">God, you look awful.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">No, no, not awful.</font>

561
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">Just less like an English rose</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and more like a... tired thistle.</font>

562
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,639
<font color="#00ffff">I went to the pub last night.</font>

563
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:42,959
<font color="#ffff00">Doesn't sound very you.</font>

564
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:44,959
<font color="#ffff00">Don't you prefer to curl up</font>
<font color="#ffff00">with a thick hardback?</font>

565
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,959
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, but I was on a mission,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">which I'm not at liberty to discuss.</font>

566
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,959
<font color="#ffff00">Suit yourself.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Anyway, how's this going?</font>

567
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:51,959
<font color="#00ffff">Family-wise, I'm petrified,</font>

568
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,319
<font color="#00ffff">but I think I've got</font>
<font color="#00ffff">all the facts together.</font>

569
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,960
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, I read your notes,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">which are good.</font>

570
00:32:58,960 --> 00:32:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">Your dad's gonna lose.</font>

571
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:01,959
<font color="#00ffff">Don't say that.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">As it stands.</font>

572
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,959
<font color="#ffff00">I've covered a lot of cases,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and this kind of people</font>

573
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,960
<font color="#ffff00">are always believed</font>
<font color="#ffff00">by this kind of people.</font>

574
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:09,960
<font color="#ffff00">But you never know.</font>

575
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,319
You forced your wife to phone me up,
didn't you?

576
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,959
<font color="#00ffff">Does she look like the kind of woman</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I could force to do anything?</font>

577
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,799
<font color="#008000">Very much not.</font>

578
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:27,159
<font color="#ffff00">No, she's the big, strict,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">lovely mama.</font>

579
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,959
<font color="#00ffff">No such phone call was made,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">as you know.</font>

580
00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,959
<font color="#00ffff">Would you really</font>
<font color="#00ffff">bring hundreds of pounds round</font>

581
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:34,799
<font color="#00ffff">to help out a woman you barely knew?</font>

582
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,959
Yes, if I...
<font color="#00ffff">A farmer such as yourself</font>

583
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:40,320
<font color="#00ffff">must have found it very hard</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to live next to us in our mansion.</font>

584
00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:01,959
HE HUMS

585
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,960
HE VOCALISES

586
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,960
<font color="#00ffff">Mr Larkin is... very... nice.</font>

587
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,959
<font color="#00ffff">And... always</font>

588
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:19,639
<font color="#00ffff">most... kind.</font>

589
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:23,959
Stop, no, you're just saying that...
rather slowly.

590
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:24,959
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, all right, I'll stop, then.</font>

591
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:26,960
No, no, carry on.

592
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:30,959
<font color="#00ffff">Good. Erm...</font>

593
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:32,959
HE CLEARS
HIS THROAT

594
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:34,999
<font color="#00ffff">Mr Larkin... is...</font>

595
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:36,960
<font color="#008000">I think we've heard enough.</font>

596
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:45,959
<font color="#ffff00">I mean, look at Mr Larkin.</font>

597
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:47,959
<font color="#ffff00">He's a dreamboat</font>
<font color="#ffff00">who could have any woman.</font>

598
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,959
<font color="#ffff00">He has untold riches</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in his personality,</font>

599
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:50,959
<font color="#ffff00">so why would he bother</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to steal money?</font>

600
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,959
<font color="#ffff00">Just doesn't make sense.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry, am I gabbling?</font>

601
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,799
<font color="#ffff00">I was told not to. We had lessons</font>
<font color="#ffff00">on how to make people believe</font>

602
00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:56,959
<font color="#ffff00">what we're saying.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And can I just say,</font>

603
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">if he's sent to prison,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I will see him every day.</font>

604
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:01,959
<font color="#ffff00">Is that allowed? Or can you</font>
<font color="#ffff00">only go once or twice a week?</font>

605
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,480
<font color="#ffff00">Is there a limit?</font>

606
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,320
MONTY: <font color="#008000">We're nearly finished.</font>

607
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,960
SANDER WHIRRS

608
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,960
CLUCKING

609
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,959
<font color="#ffff00">I know we got into some scrapes</font>
<font color="#ffff00">when we were young and crazy,</font>

610
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">but this is quite a turn up.</font>

611
00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:02,959
Ma, we'll be all right.
Be one to tell the grandkids.

612
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,959
<font color="#ffff00">No, it won't.</font>

613
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,799
<font color="#ffff00">I am shocked at how angry I feel.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">It isn't me.</font>

614
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:13,959
Look... I could try to give people
the benefit of the doubt.

615
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,959
<font color="#ffff00">You might wanna stop that.</font>
Nah.

616
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:19,959
<font color="#ffff00">You should have been tougher</font>
<font color="#ffff00">on that pink monster.</font>

617
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,959
Well, Ma, look, I'm not saying
women can't be wrong'uns,

618
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:24,959
but I still reckon
it's all coming from him.

619
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:29,959
<font color="#ffff00">Oh. It won't make much difference...</font>
<font color="#ffff00">if you're sent down.</font>

620
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:31,960
I still can't see that happening.

621
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:38,959
<font color="#ffff00">They didn't exactly</font>
<font color="#ffff00">turn in a blinder, Lord love 'em.</font>

622
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:41,159
<font color="#00ffff">How do we think that went?</font>

623
00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:42,959
<font color="#ffff00">Us?</font>

624
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:44,319
<font color="#ffff00">Pretty well, I'd say.</font>

625
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,959
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, I thought so, too.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Well, we'd had the training.</font>

626
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:48,960
<font color="#ffff00">We had.</font>

627
00:36:56,960 --> 00:37:01,799
<font color="#008000">It's important to relax</font>
<font color="#008000">during stressful times.</font>

628
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:02,959
Those Jerebohms, they're so shady.

629
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,960
I wonder if they've
done this before. <font color="#00ffff">What?</font>

630
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:10,959
<font color="#ffff00">Hello.</font>

631
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:12,959
<font color="#00ffff">Hello. You're right,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'm a journalist.</font>

632
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,959
<font color="#00ffff">Why haven't I been investigating</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the Jerebohms? </font><font color="#ffff00">Yep.</font>

633
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:18,000
<font color="#ffff00">Bad time to bother you. Sorry.</font>

634
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,960
<font color="#ffff00">Good luck</font>
<font color="#ffff00">with the rest of the trial.</font>

635
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,960
HE SIGHS

636
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">I'm sorry we've fallen out.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I hate this.</font>

637
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:45,000
<font color="#00ffff">Me, too.</font>

638
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,159
<font color="#ffff00">I heard that you went on a... date.</font>

639
00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:50,959
<font color="#00ffff">Why are you doing that?</font>

640
00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:53,959
<font color="#ffff00">Because I assumed you did it</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to make a point</font>

641
00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:57,959
<font color="#ffff00">and aren't intending on getting</font>
<font color="#ffff00">seriously involved with PC... Thing.</font>

642
00:37:57,960 --> 00:37:59,960
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, you're quite right.</font>

643
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,959
<font color="#00ffff">But I'm pleased to admit that</font>
<font color="#00ffff">because I love openness and honesty,</font>

644
00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:04,959
<font color="#00ffff">and if you can't give me that,</font>

645
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,959
<font color="#00ffff">then what's the point</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in us being together?</font>

646
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,999
<font color="#ffff00">Love isn't a performance,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it's a bond.</font>

647
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,959
<font color="#ffff00">And all the more intense</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and romantic for being private.</font>

648
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:12,959
<font color="#ffff00">Look at Romeo and Juliet.</font>

649
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,959
<font color="#00ffff">You do know what happened to them,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">don't you?</font>

650
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:17,960
<font color="#ffff00">They became the greatest love story</font>
<font color="#ffff00">ever told.</font>

651
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,959
<font color="#00ffff">This isn't a story. It's my life.</font>

652
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,959
<font color="#00ffff">And until we both</font>
<font color="#00ffff">want the same things,</font>

653
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:25,800
<font color="#00ffff">then I guess we have nothing.</font>

654
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,960
HE SIGHS

655
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,959
<font color="#ffff00">Here is a man</font>

656
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">with every motivation</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and opportunity</font>

657
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:45,799
<font color="#ffff00">to rob his neighbours blind.</font>

658
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,959
<font color="#ffff00">A well-known local ducker-and-diver</font>

659
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,319
<font color="#ffff00">who could crack the Jerebohms'</font>
<font color="#ffff00">very basic safe</font>

660
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:53,959
<font color="#ffff00">the way most of us</font>
<font color="#ffff00">would open a drawer.</font>

661
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:56,319
<font color="#ffff00">Who, as a humble junkyard-owner,</font>

662
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">resented his new neighbours' wealth</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and status</font>

663
00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:00,959
<font color="#ffff00">and so...</font>
HE CHUCKLES

664
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:04,959
<font color="#ffff00">..made up a story that he was</font>
<font color="#ffff00">helping out Mrs Jerebohm,</font>

665
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:10,960
<font color="#ffff00">a woman who can clearly look after</font>
<font color="#ffff00">herself very nicely, thank you.</font>

666
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:15,999
<font color="#00ffff">Moonshine, from start to finish!</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Someone stuff a wig in his mouth!</font>

667
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,960
<font color="#008000">Out!</font>

668
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,959
<font color="#00ffff">Right, love.</font>
See you later, Ma.

669
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,160
<font color="#008000">Please don't kiss the defendant!</font>

670
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,959
<font color="#ffff00">Why don't you kiss me in public?</font>

671
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:32,959
<font color="#00ffff">Because... of my lifelong battle</font>
<font color="#00ffff">with chapped lips.</font>

672
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:37,959
<font color="#ffff00">Mr Larkin,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">whose level of self-delusion</font>

673
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,959
<font color="#ffff00">is summed up by his decision</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to represent himself in court,</font>

674
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,959
<font color="#ffff00">has seven - seven - children</font>

675
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:49,959
<font color="#ffff00">and a lifestyle which is known to be</font>
<font color="#ffff00">extravagant bordering on reckless.</font>

676
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:54,959
<font color="#ffff00">So is it any wonder</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that he was short of a few bob</font>

677
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:55,959
<font color="#ffff00">and needed to burgle next door?</font>

678
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,959
<font color="#00ffff">I know for a fact that the Larkins</font>
<font color="#00ffff">have two suitcases full of cash</font>

679
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:00,959
<font color="#00ffff">on their premises!</font>
<font color="#008000">Remove her, too!</font>

680
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,639
<font color="#00ffff">They paid cash for Bluff Court</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and nearly doubled their money</font>

681
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:04,959
<font color="#00ffff">when they sold it!</font>

682
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,959
Steady on, Edith.
Don't spill all my secrets -

683
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:07,959
there's lawmen present.

684
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:11,960
<font color="#ffff00">Ladies and gentlemen...</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I could go on...</font>

685
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,960
<font color="#ffff00">..but I think we all know the truth</font>
<font color="#ffff00">by now.</font>

686
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,640
<font color="#ffff00">I can't remember the last time</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I couldn't speak.</font>

687
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:33,959
<font color="#00ffff">When you're asleep?</font>

688
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:36,959
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, no, that doesn't stop me.</font>

689
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:39,959
<font color="#ffff00">I once recited a recipe.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Pop's got used to it.</font>

690
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:42,640
<font color="#ffff00">It's been so maddening.</font>

691
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:46,959
<font color="#ffff00">Pop's done his best,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but he's no lawyer.</font>

692
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:47,959
<font color="#00ffff">In fact, he's the opposite</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of a lawyer -</font>

693
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:49,959
<font color="#00ffff">he thinks honesty</font>
<font color="#00ffff">speaks for itself.</font>

694
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,799
<font color="#00ffff">But I fear it doesn't.</font>

695
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,959
<font color="#ffff00">I wish I'd insisted on my Mariette</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and Charley being told.</font>

696
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:59,959
<font color="#ffff00">This is when the family needs</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to hold its head high, together.</font>

697
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:03,959
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry. You haven't got any family.</font>

698
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,960
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, don't worry. I'll borrow yours.</font>

699
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:09,960
SHE CHUCKLES

700
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,959
JUDGE: <font color="#008000">The presence</font>
<font color="#008000">of a new neighbour</font>

701
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,959
<font color="#008000">can often stir up jealousies</font>
<font color="#008000">of this kind.</font>

702
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,799
<font color="#008000">And it is, to say the least,</font>
<font color="#008000">highly questionable</font>

703
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:23,999
<font color="#008000">that Mr and Mrs Jerebohm, who are</font>
<font color="#008000">patently decent members of society,</font>

704
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,959
<font color="#008000">would concoct an elaborate plan</font>
<font color="#008000">of this nature</font>

705
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:29,959
<font color="#008000">to entrap the defendant.</font>
<font color="#008000">And for those reasons,</font>

706
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:33,959
<font color="#008000">we magistrates are minded</font>
<font color="#008000">to find Mr Sidney Larkin guilty</font>

707
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:34,959
<font color="#008000">of the offences described.</font>

708
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:35,959
MA: <font color="#ffff00">No!</font>

709
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:40,959
<font color="#008000">As this is a first offence, we will</font>
<font color="#008000">set the sentence at one year.</font>

710
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:42,800
<font color="#ffff00">Will you hell!</font>

711
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:46,959
Can I address the court?
<font color="#008000">No, that would be...</font>

712
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:51,959
I make it a rule to enjoy everything
I do, so I'm gonna enjoy this, too.

713
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:54,479
In any case, it's a bit like
the war, innit, you know?

714
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:55,959
Or the 1953 cup final,

715
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:58,639
where one side
gets off to a good start

716
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,480
before the plucky winners
have their day.

717
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:03,959
I thank you for your time.

718
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,959
<font color="#ffff00">Take him down!</font>
HE CHUCKLES

719
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:08,960
<font color="#ffff00">Someone's lost</font>
<font color="#ffff00">their sense of humour.</font>

720
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:16,960
Chunky jewellery. My favourite.

721
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:25,960
<font color="#ffff00">This is all wrong!</font>

722
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:31,960
Seeing as I'm innocent,
can I have a south-facing cell?

723
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:37,959
<font color="#ffff00">Not bad, eh?</font>

724
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,959
<font color="#ffff00">Quick snifter at The Jolly</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Solicitor, then back to yours?</font>

725
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:43,960
<font color="#00ffff">I think you misunderstand</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the nature of our relationship.</font>

726
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:48,159
<font color="#ffff00">They'll come round to us.</font>

727
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,959
<font color="#008000">No, they won't, Alec,</font>

728
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:52,959
<font color="#008000">because they've used us</font>
<font color="#008000">and discarded us,</font>

729
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:54,959
<font color="#008000">and had no intention</font>
<font color="#008000">of being our friends.</font>

730
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,960
<font color="#00ffff">Shame on you!</font>

731
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:03,959
Well, of course,
the big magistrate in the sky

732
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:07,959
will have His say in the end.
It's His verdict that matters.

733
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:08,960
Oh, no.

734
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,959
<font color="#00ffff">What do you think of your chances?</font>

735
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:16,960
Well, I'm a vicar, aren't I?
We're in the VIP section.

736
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:21,959
<font color="#ffff00">We're taking contributions</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to Pop's get-out-of-jail party.</font>

737
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:23,959
Bit early, isn't it,
if he's not out for a year? <font color="#ffff00">No.</font>

738
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:24,999
<font color="#ffff00">It's gonna be a big party.</font>

739
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,960
<font color="#ffff00">We need time to raise enough</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to hire Elvis, as Pop's a fan.</font>

740
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,959
<font color="#ffff00">Word is, Elvis won't come cheap.</font>

741
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:36,960
COINS JINGLE

742
00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:40,000
BIKE BELL RINGS

743
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:57,959
<font color="#008000">Have you, er, heard the verdict?</font>

744
00:43:57,960 --> 00:43:58,959
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

745
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:01,799
<font color="#ffff00">Sorry if I've been a bitch.</font>

746
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,959
<font color="#008000">You wouldn't know how to be.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">You what?</font>

747
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:06,960
<font color="#008000">Yeah, that's not true.</font>

748
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:13,960
<font color="#ffff00">You wanna give it another go?</font>

749
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,960
<font color="#008000">Oh, that's not supposed to happen.</font>

750
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,479
<font color="#008000">We'd better ring</font>
<font color="#008000">Mariette and Charley... in...</font>

751
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:25,959
<font color="#008000">Where are they?</font>

752
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,479
<font color="#ffff00">Hertogenbosch.</font>
<font color="#008000">Mm. And tell her Pop's in prison.</font>

753
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:30,959
<font color="#00ffff">They'll be so angry</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that we kept it from them.</font>

754
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,959
<font color="#ffff00">I couldn't let myself believe</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it would happen.</font>

755
00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:38,639
<font color="#ffff00">But now it has, we are gonna get Pop</font>
<font color="#ffff00">out of jail pretty damn quick.</font>

756
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:39,959
<font color="#008000">Prison break?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Tunnel?</font>

757
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:45,960
<font color="#ffff00">Neither. We're gonna use the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">judicial system. Starting tomorrow.</font>

758
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:55,799
MA GASPS

759
00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:57,959
<font color="#ffff00">What are you doing here?</font>

760
00:44:57,960 --> 00:44:59,959
Victoria sent us a telegram
saying Pop's on trial.

761
00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,959
What were you thinking,
not telling us?! <font color="#008000">Is it over?</font>

762
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:04,959
What happened?
<font color="#ffff00">Guilty.</font>

763
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:06,959
<font color="#ffff00">Your Pop got a year.</font>

764
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,959
Oh, Ma! This is so awful.

765
00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:13,639
<font color="#ffff00">I know. Oh, sweet, gorgeous girl.</font>

766
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:16,319
<font color="#008000">We have to fight it.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Exactly, Charley.</font>

767
00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:21,159
<font color="#ffff00">We're Larkins, and we're gonna do</font>
<font color="#ffff00">what Pop would want us to do.</font>

768
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,959
<font color="#ffff00">We're gonna right this wrong.</font>

769
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:26,319
<font color="#ffff00">And in the meantime,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">we're gonna eat, drink,</font>

770
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:27,960
<font color="#ffff00">be as merry as we can...</font>

771
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:30,959
<font color="#ffff00">..and swim in the new pool.</font>

772
00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:32,480
A pool?

773
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:46,960
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