Amy, come on!
CHEERING
Oh, my God!
The camera's fallen over.
OK, Dad, I'm filming. OK. Here we go.
OK, Sam, you on, yeah? OK.
Little, um, bed and breakfast for the birthday girl.
It's... No, it's not bed and breakfast, sorry.
Little birthday in bed for the breakfast girl.
That's not it. Huh? Oh...!
Little breakfast in bed for the birthday girl.
Scrambled eggs, salmon, OJ,
cafe au lait, s'il vous plait.
Hashtag best husband ever.
Let's go and make her day.
Do you want a hand, Dad?
I'm OK. I'm all good.
WHISPERS: We're in. Ready?
BOTH: # Happy birthday... #
Argh! Argh! Ohhh!
Ah... Ah.
Happy birthday.
Thanks. What's that?
That's breakfast in bed -
there's a little bit of fish there, some egg.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Thanks, Sam.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh. It's the tray. It's warped.
Oh, God, that can't be your mum already, surely? Probably not.
You know your side gate's open?
Unusual greeting.
Hi, Mum. I've been gardening. What's this?
Hello, Sammy, love.
Still doing your little videos, then, are you?
Yeah, well, I'm making a documentary about the family
for my media studies coursework. Hi, Granny.
You know, you'll never woo a decent woman behind that thing.
A decent woman? Mum, he's 15.
He hasn't even been through puberty yet.
Yeah, well, I married your dad when I was 15.
Yeah, I know, and you mustn't keep telling people that
because I'm pretty sure it was illegal.
Hi, Sue. You're up nice and early.
Oh, yeah. Well, next-door have bought a puppy.
Oh, right.
Oh, no, sorry, I don't understand the connection.
It yaps its head off from about 5am onwards.
I mean, honestly,
they might as well have bought a bloody rooster.
Bit cuter, though, surely?
Oh, yeah, lovely.
When it's not yapping, it's crapping.
I've complained to the council,
but they said it's not enough to have it impounded.
Oh, right. I'll just have to hope it bites me.
Oh, well. Fingers crossed.
So, anyway, happy birthday, Rachel, love. Aww!
Oh, thank you. Ahh!
45, eh? You're halfway there.
Ah, bit morbid. What's this?
This is a bunion corrector.
Oh. Now, I know it may not be
the most exciting present in the world.
Yeah, agree with that. But you may need it sooner than you think.
OK. Thank you.
And, I made you...
..a profiterole tower.
Oh, wow.
Oh, God, Mum, a tower?!
I mean, couldn't you have made something smaller? Like a cottage?
Amy, Granny's here. Thank you.
Well, you don't have to eat it all.
Yeah, but I will, though. He will, yeah.
You know, please.
Can you just bring round something healthy for a change,
like fruit or nuts or something?
Oh, I've got a couple of chocolate oranges here in me bag.
How is that fruit, though? Oh, and, Rachel,
there's a £5 cheque here from Uncle Barry.
Aww. OK, no. I'm sorry, no.
What do you mean, "no"?
I mean, you've got to tell Uncle Barry
to stop sending us cheques for such small amounts,
because, frankly, that's not giving us a present -
that's giving us an errand. Oh, don't be daft.
There are only about three branches of NatWest
left in the entire world.
Paying a cheque in nowadays is not unlike returning
the ring to Mordor,
which I doubt Frodo would've done for £5.
Oh, God, just ignore him, Sue.
We'll get round to it eventually. I mean, God knows,
we need all the money we can get right now.
Oh. Still not working, then, Paul?
AMY: No, he's not.
How did you even hear that?!
Aargh!
LOUD BUMP
What happened?
Maya slipped on some salmon.
But I'm OK. It's just the salmon's not.
Just put it...in the bath.
The bath? It's not going to come back to life, Mum.
Sam, can you please go upstairs and clean the landing carpet?
What? Why do I have to do it?
You know, I have been looking for other work
but since the archery club closed, there's just very little out there.
Of course there is.
There's all the jobs that don't involve archery.
Well, I have to do archery, hon. I mean, that's...that's who I am.
OK. Well, why not try and be someone
who does a job they hate for money, like the rest of us?
Anyway, I've been working in the garden, Mum, you know?
Getting my Monty Don on.
Or Monty Don't, ideally.
He's already killed that camelia I liked. I haven't killed it!
Yeah. I doubt I've killed it. I was just, you know,
giving it a hard prune to make way for all the fruit
and veg I'm growing. Oh. What have you got?
Um, raspberries, gooseberries and rhubarb.
Hi, Granny. Oh, hello, Amy, love. Do you like rhubarb?
Oh, I thought you were at university, Maya.
I am, yeah, technically.
But I come down here on weekends
because I hate everyone on my sociology course.
Anti-sociology course. Yeah, and she can't bear
to be without me the whole year, obviously.
Obviously.
Happy birthday, then, Mum.
I got you another bottle of Mother's Ruin.
Ah, thank you,
although I think that ship has sailed, to be honest.
Birthday boy. Nobody move. Oh, my God.
Aaaargh. Oh, my godfathers!
Happy birthday. Ah-ha! All right?
Gosh, wow. That frightened me. Robin's here.
Where did you two come from?
Well, we would've rung the front doorbell
but I saw the side gate was open
and thought I'd raid your back passage.
Ah. She's your sister.
Sorry, that is crass. I'm...
Just delete that, actually, Spielberg, if you...
Can you do that? I can, yeah. But I won't.
And Cheryl? Well, I didn't know you two were back together again.
Be tactful, Mum.
No, it's all right Sue, yeah. No, Cherry and I are back in business.
And this time, I'm not letting her go.
Well, what about
the personal trainer you were bonking?
"Bonking"? Mum, please. Don't. Not that word, no.
Yeah, no. That didn't work out. He's gone back to his family.
Oh... Oh, right. He had a... I didn't know that.
Yeah, well, yeah, anyway,
that wasn't like a proper relationship.
It was more just like physical.
It was just physical,
yeah, whereas we're more, aren't we, mental?
I must be to be back with you!
Oh, my God! Walked into that one! And that's why I love her,
right there, because she's so funny.
Yeah, she is. Multi-talented. Also, bit of an announcement.
Oh? Is the wedding back on? No. No.
No, no, no, no. Don't worry, no, no, no. We're taking it slow this time.
Yeah.
Just, um, we are moving in together, so...
Woohoo. Congratulations.
Well, if they can take your...
Yeah, depending on, um, could I put my Warhammer,
Dungeons & Dragons figures in your loft? Yeah.
Because we don't have a lot of space at mine.
His cupboard is full of orcs.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Don't see why not.
Anyway, happy birthday.
Thank you! Oh, look at that.
Are we out of milk? Yes. Oh, nice bag.
Yes, well that is a teeth-whitening kit.
Oh, wow.
I didn't realise I needed that.
Yours are creamy-grey, yeah.
Yeah. And they're all right,
they're just a bit like a Farrow & Ball colour.
Oh, OK. Thank you.
Well, quite a haul of presents there.
A few reminders of my imminent decay and death. Thank you.
And that, um, planner I got you.
Yes, actually, and an excellent personal organiser from Sam,
which I will put to use as of now.
No forgetting to cash cheques or insuring the car from now on.
The car's insured.
In fact, now is the start of a very organised new chapter
for me, so buckle up.
Right. And, um, you haven't had my present yet.
Oh, here we go.
Oh! Lingerie!
No.
Stop it. Thank you.
Gross! What is it?
It is a voucher, or, actually, it's called a Wowcher,
yes, yes. Yeah, it's, um,
it's for Jungle World which is a theme park
just up the M1. It's great. They've got abseiling, mini-golf.
Archery.
Archery, sure.
Um, any seated activities?
Um, well, they've got a log flume.
Oh, well. I'll just stay on that, then.
This looks actually good. Well, don't sound too surprised.
No, I don't. I'm just... Thank you very much.
Hey, it's your birthday. Hey.
Oh, sick. They've got zipwires. Ah, sweet.
Yeah, it's like Go Ape.
I've always wanted to Go Ape. Perfect, perfect.
Um, well, yeah, sorry, Cherry.
The Wowcher's only for six people,
so I don't think you and Robin can come.
Ah. Nice.
- Ain't that a kick in the nuts. - I'm so sorry.
Well, we can Go Ape, babe.
I will take you ape if you want to Go Ape.
You just leave that to this big gorilla.
CHERYL CHUCKLES
I like that. Yeah?
Hey, can't we go today?
No, no, you can't because you need to pre-book all
the activities, you see. But there's no rush.
You know, the Wowcher's valid for six months.
Do you not think we should just go? Yes.
Now - while we're all thinking about it? Definitely.
Nah, your dad's right. We've got bags of time.
We'll plan it out, put it in the organiser, do it properly.
Exactly. Sam, can you go and clean the mess you made upstairs, mate?
Me? That was you! Thank you.
Go, go, go, go.
Come on, please.
Why is it always this hard to leave the house? Paul!
I can't find the back-door key.
Are you ready, Sam? Yeah. I've been ready for about 20 minutes.
Outside, then, get outside. Mum. Have we got any clean towels?
Why, are you...? You're not having a shower.
No, no. I'm having a bath.
No. No. We're leaving right now. It closes in five hours, Paul.
Help me find the key! I can't lock the back door. Look in the living
room drawer. Sorry, I... No, what are you doing, Robin? Don't come in.
What? I don't want to wait in the car on my own. No, we're coming right now. Doesn't look like it.
It's not in the drawer! I was going to make a quick toastie.
No way! The kitchen, then, in the bowl.
Look. Will you please just take your shoes off and help me look
rather than standing in the door barking instructions?
Oh, God. I feel like I'm in the Crystal Maze!
And not in a good way. Leave it, then, leave it.
What, just leave it? Yeah. Leave the back door open?
Yeah, why not? Well, we'll get burgled.
Good...good. Have you seen this place?
They'll be doing us a bloody favour. Now, please,
can we all just leave the house and ENJOY OURSELVES?!
Hmm. I mean, how has this happened?
I can't believe we've done this.
I can. I fully expected this.
Not helpful, Amy.
Call the jungle people. Book us in for stuff.
All right. Can we just pick my mum up first, please?
Quick, quick, quick. Yeah, all right.
Hey, so it's 1.45, so if we get there at 3,
we've still got three hours.
We can do most of it if we really zip down those zipwires, OK? Yeah?
Yeah, OK, yeah. Yeah.
Why...why has Gran got a dog?
She hasn't.
Has she?
Oh, God. Yeah, she has. Yeah.
Well, Pinel and Ben have gone to Iceland,
so I said I'd look after the dog for them.
Iceland the shop or the country?
I didn't actually find out.
I'm assuming it's the country
because they've gone for the entire weekend and took suitcases.
Probably the country, then. It will be the country, yeah.
I thought you hated that dog?
What? Lord Sugar? No, I love him.
I've always loved him.
Ugh! He's my little icky Cockapooey pal, aren't you?
A cockapoo called Lord Sugar?
Is there any animal in the world with less dignity?
Yeah. Dad.
Oh, ha-ha-ha. Very funny, Amy. NOT.
I would've said no, if you'd given me more warning. Well...
I mean, I thought we had ages to use this Wowcher thing.
We did, we do.
It was my birthday six months ago, Sue,
and today is the last day it's valid.
Anyway, Lord Sugar hasn't done his business this morning.
Oh, aye. So I can't risk leaving him home alone.
Business. What's his business? It's Amstrad.
His downstairs business. He must be bursting.
What? He's supposed to widdle on command.
If you go "sss, sss, sss."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, don't do that!
Please, please. I'm on the phone.
Is there a command to make him hold it in?
Um, not as far as I know, unless you tie in a knot in it.
But he'll never make the whole journey, though.
Oh, great.
Look for a park, everyone. Hold it in, Lord Sugar.
Hold in. What about rafting? 3pm. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes. We can make that, I think. Zip lining?
Fully booked. Oh! No! What about the archery?
Well, we don't need to do archery.
Nothing. I should say, full disclosure,
that I am actually
a former Olympic Team GB archer, if that makes a difference.
Why would that make a difference? It won't.
No... No, I didn't... OK.
There. Rachel. Park. Over there.
ALL TALK AT ONCE Get this dog off me. It's a park!
What's the nature trail?
I don't know...I don't know if the kids will be interested.
OK, quickly, Sue. Quick, quick, quick.
All right, all right, all right.
Come on. ..at 4, and then the mini golf at 4.30.
What have you got at 5.30? Oh, good boy!
Get him out. Come on, and do your wees. Really? Oh.
Bear with me a sec.
They close at five. No, no, no, no. It's six.
In the summer, yes,
but from September to April, it's five. Ah. Oh. Ah, OK.
OK, book those in. Yes, book 'em, Danno.
It's a jay, look.
No, no bird-watching, Sue. We really need to motor.
Now, so, um, come on, Lord Sugar.
Do your business.
No! Oh, Rachel!
I was told not to do that in case he...did that.
Heel... Heel, boy.
Lord Sugar! Come here, boy.
Oh... He'll be back.
He won't be back. Lord Sugar! He's fast, isn't he?
Oh, blimey hell, where is he?
Sir Alan!
No, no, Dad, it's Lord Sugar. Oh, yeah. Lord Sugar!
Not that one. Lord Sugar.
Lord! Here, boy.
No. You've got to say his whole name or he won't respond.
Well, he's not responding anyway, is he? Lord Sugar!
Stupid dog. Lord Sugar!
Don't call Lord Sugar stupid.
Oh. Of course he's stupid.
All these fluffy, doddle
cocker-jacker-schnoo-bradols are stupid.
They're quite bright, aren't they? Why can't people have a normal dog?
There are no normal dogs, Mum.
They've all been bred to be cute or useful,
unless you mean wolves.
Yeah, OK, yeah.
Why can't people grow up and have a wolf?
Do you want me to answer that? No, I don't.
Well, we're going to miss the rafting.
OK. I think we should split up.
Really? No, no,
as in, I think you look round here and I'll be back. Yes.
OK. I'll be back.
Yeah, let's, um... Let's scatter. Fine. Lord Sugar!
Has anyone got any treats, like a dog treat,
not a human treat, or both? Lord Sugar! Here, boy.
Obvious question,
but why are we getting ladybirds through the post?
Sam, are you doing something weird?
No. Like what?
They're mine. I bought them to eat the aphids.
Oh. You've got aphids, have you, Paul?
I've got an absolute plague of them.
It's like I've offended the Old Testament God.
Amy, could you put those ladybirds in the fridge, please?
They tend to work harder if they've been refrigerated, apparently.
Ah, maybe we should put you in a fridge as well, then.
Ah. Still no job news, then, Paul?
Well, no. But, you know,
I've just been flat out in the garden.
You know, there's just so much to do before harvest.
Harvest. Yes, of course.
It's going to be like harvest festival in here, isn't it?
Maybe we should hire some seasonal labourers
from the EU to help bring it all in.
Well, I have asked Robin and Dean to help me bring in the rhubarb.
Are you not going to be late for work, Mum? Yes, always.
I just can't find my personal organiser, again.
You know, and it is a bit like a job really,
you know, when you think about how much money we're going to save
eating food from the garden.
How much do you think we currently spend on rhubarb?
I mean, if you were growing frozen pizzas
or tins of beans out there, then, yes, maybe.
I AM growing beans. I'm growing beans.
I found these amazing beans on eBay, you know?
They crop all year round, even in winter.
They're like miracles of nature.
So, magic beans?
Cool. Cos no-one's ever been scammed by them before.
SAM SNIGGERS
For your information Amy, Jack was correct to buy those magic beans
in Jack And The Beanstalk.
You know? That's like the whole point of the story.
Why am I eating cake?
Mum!
I didn't ask for this, Mum.
Well, it was on special.
You know, buy one, get one free.
So, if anyone else wants some, I have actually got two.
Oh, for God's sake. Oh.
You know you still haven't paid in this £5 cheque.
I'm not going to. Oh, no, really?
Yes, no, we will, Sue.
It's on my to-do list, which is in my personal organiser. No, we won't.
Which you've lost. Which I currently can't find.
BELL RINGS
Oh, and you still need to use your Wowcher thingy.
Oh, yeah. Let's go tomorrow, when Maya gets here.
No, I'm releasing the ladybirds tomorrow.
We'll go next weekend. There's so much time.
We've got three months.
Hello, hi. What's this?
This one is...dwarves.
Hi. Hiya. It's my Warhammer stuff.
You said that we could put it up in the loft. Oh, yes, OK.
I'm running a bit late for work but, Paul!
Paul! Yeah? Can you help Robin bring in his Dungeons & Dragons dolls?
Thank you. Figures, not dolls.
Morning, all. Hi.
Hi, Robin. Hi, Cherry. All right?
No. No? Not perfect, no.
Oh, no. What's wrong?
Well, um...
..we went Ape yesterday.
Oh, yeah. How'd it go?
Awful. Mm.
He loved it. Dangling about like a dick.
I did not.
Cherry froze up, didn't you, babe?
I had to talk her down. "Don't jump!"
Well, "Do jump," in this case. Yeah.
No, she doesn't like heights, as it turns out.
No, I don't mind them, like in a plane... Yeah. Yeah.
..or in a mall, or whatever, but up in a tree...
..it's rank.
You just need to give it another go, I reckon, babe.
Look, stop suggesting we go back Go Ape, Robin.
I'm never going Ape again.
Why do you think people spent hundreds of years
evolving to not be apes any more, huh?
Cos it's shit, isn't it?
Especially, with somebody proposing AT you all of the time.
It's hardly all of the time. Oh, wow.
It's nonstop! I tell you, it's nonstop.
Yeah. Honestly! On the zipwire and all, right?
Do you know, he's not even saying the full thing any more. No, no.
He's just going, "Oh, how about now?" Like that.
On the zipwire, when I'm panic attacking,
this goon's popping the question.
Oh, dear. Trying to get me to say yes, when I'm not in my right mind.
I wasn't trying... I wasn't deceiving you.
It was...
I thought it was a magic moment.
Well, it wasn't. I know. I know that now. How could you think that?
How many goblins have you got? A lot.
Watch your dwarves. Maya?
Can you hear me, Maya?
Yeah, are you on the train?
Oh, right.
Beach. Which beach?
Oh, OK.
Is it...
..is that with friends from your course or...?
Cool.
So, you're not coming back this weekend, then?
No, that's...that's fine. That's...
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally fine.
Sam! SAM: I wasn't!
Lord Sugar!
HE GROANS
Lord Sugar!
ROBIN: What are you listening to? Lord Sugar!
What are you listening to?
Oh, it's Foundations of Sociology.
Oh, cool. Are they new? I don't know them.
No, it's a book. An audio book. Oh.
Ah, sociology. Is that what you're studying at uni?
No, I'm doing geography.
Meant to be.
Maya's doing sociology.
It's one of her set texts, so I thought it might...
..help if I read it, too.
Hmm...
Can I give you some advice?
I mean, I'm tempted to say no.
Back off a bit. I would.
Trust me, as someone who knows, I can be a bit...
..like that. Like what?
Well, I'm...I'm a bit like a Pep Guardiola side
as a boyfriend, you know?
I operate a very high press.
Don't give the opponent any space.
Right. I mean, the fact that you refer to the person you're dating
as "the opponent"...
..may be more of a problem.
Mm. That's a fair point, actually.
Well, either way, I'd suggest listening to something more upbeat.
A bit of funk, maybe.
SUE: He's there, look!
Lord Sugar! Oh, Lord Sugar!
Lord Sugar. Oh!
Well done. Right, I'll call Rach cos we need to crack on.
Oh. He must've found his own way back, the clever boy. Amy, here!
Who's a clever Lord Sugar? Ah.
OK, I've got him. Let's go.
Oh, my God!
He was bloody miles away over by this bandstand.
What?
Oh.
What...? Which dog is that?
That's Lord Sugar.
But, are you sure?
That's not even a Cockapoo, Rachel. That's a Labradoodle.
Well, I mean, for God's sake.
Did you just take a dog?
Not on purpose. Oh, go on, then. Go on.
Yah!
Yah?
It's not a horse in a Western.
You've got to take it back!
Oh, we haven't got time.
He'll find his own way back eventually, probably.
She. She. She, she.
It's a her.
And we can't just leave her here.
Oh. She might get lost, the poor little bitch.
What's happened? SAM: Mum's nicked a dog.
AMY: What? By mistake.
I haven't got time to take it all the way back.
The jungle thing closes in 85 minutes.
There's a phone number on her collar.
Oh.
Yah!
Stop staying yah!
RINGING TONE
OK, so, who'd like a snack
just to cheer us all up?
Oh, please, no more cakes, Mum.
No, I brought fruit, actually.
I listened, you see?
Well, hang on, I've got fruit. I've got fruit!
Yeah, I'll take a raspbo.
Well, no, I've got...I've got raspberries from the garden!
Yeah, but these are proper ones, from Asda.
MINE are proper one... Mine are proper ones. I grew mine.
Yeah, but these are all big and lovely. They are great.
Well, eat mine. Please eat mine!
OK, so no-one's answering and we're about to hit the motorway
so it looks like we're taking Lady Sugar with us as well.
And it would be nice if you ate some of your father's six raspberries.
Eight! Eight raspberries. You're not counting that one, surely?
Well, seven and a half raspberries. Eat! Eat!
Let's have a look, Paulo, the old rogues' gallery.
Here we go. Ooh, they are very powdery, aren't they, mate?
That's natural. That's natural powder.
Seven raspberries. Is that all you managed to harvest?
It's not me. It's the ladybirds. They did sweet F-all.
They just flew away.
I do have 14 gooseberries as well.
Someone, please eat one. They're on the turn.
Oh, God. You're really selling them
to us, Dad.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, God, I've got this. Everyone shush, yeah?
Hello? MAN ON PHONE: I missed your call.
Yes, thank you for calling back. It was just to say,
have you lost your dog?
Yeah. My wife's looking for her now.
Because no...no need. He's with us.
She. What? She.
MAN ON PHONE: What? The dog. We've taken him.
Her. What? Don't say taken.
As in, we've not kidnaped him, we've... It's... We've... Her.
It's just we accidentally thought it was our dog, so we took it.
You've lost your dog?
No, no. We have our dog, too. We have both...dogs.
So why did you take mine?
Completely. Great question.
It's hard to answer.
We will of course return your dog,
but maybe not right now if that's... Is that... Is that OK?
No. I want my dog back now.
Yeah, it's just, the thing is mate...
Sorry, this is Paul, Rachel's husband.
Rachel's the previous speaker.
You're on speakerphone. Hi. Say hello, everyone.
Hi. Hello. I'm Robin.
Hi. Yes. Hello. We are on our way to Jungle Land.
World. World. Jungle World, is the thing.
Right. Um, yeah, and we're running really late.
We've actually missed some of our pre-booked activities.
I realise that's not your problem.
No, and we're about to hit the motorway.
And we're about to hit the motorway, mate,
so we're very much leaving the area,
so, you know, I was thinking perhaps we could bring him back in say,
a couple of hours.
Her. Her. Her.
Her! Sorry. That would really help us out, mate.
Um, it's a birthday present, you see? It was...a while ago but...
Please? Mate. Matey?
Matey?
Return the dog now or I'll call the police. Yeah.
163, 163. Is that it?
That's it, yeah.
OK, go, Paul, go, go. All right.
Are you sure that's the right one, yeah?
Yes, it's the right one. Bye, Lady Sugar. Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
We don't still have to go, you know.
It was more of a present for me, honestly.
I think I just wanted to do some archery again.
Show you that I'm still actually good at something.
Aww.
There's only mini-golf left. Look, I really won't mind.
Paul. Look, we've had six months to do this.
I cannot accept that we're that useless as a family.
I mean, most of our plans are never going to happen.
Fine, I'm aware of that. But not ALL of them.
We can't be THAT bad. We just can't.
And I actually really love mini-golf.
And you.
In that order.
Yes.
Your dog.
Cheers.
Thank you. He was quite scary.
OK, they're coming.
Jungle World! OK. Look lively, everyone. OK, everyone, look for mini-golf.
What time are we at? 4:54. Come on people, let's go!
Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
You stay here, Lord Sugar.
OK, let's go.
Yeah, great. Where is it, where is it? I don't know.
Straight through. Mum, they're going to shut the shack.
Oh, just go. I'll only slow you down. Play without me.
No, Mum. We're not leaving you. We're going to do this together.
Look, I actually don't want to play.
I'm quite happy being the, you know, caddy.
Oh, OK.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Wait, wait! Wowcher! Wowcher!
Wowcher! Wowcher! Hang on! Hang on!
I don't have it.
Yes! Yes! I've got it. Yes! Yes! Come on!
There you are, thank you so much.
You know we do close at five, yeah?
Yes. We do know that. We do know that, thank you.
OK, guys, listen, go round as fast as you can,
and do remember to keep score,
so we can work out who the winner is, OK?
Why would that matter? Well, yeah, OK. You're right.
Oh, wow. Oh, my God.
We're never going to get round the whole course in two minutes.
Well, not with that attitude we're not, no.
Well, let's just pick one hole and do that properly.
As the actor said to the...
Yeah. Let's pick the best hole.
OK. I'll take the lion. Go, go, go!
OK, elephant, elephant. Which is the best hole, mate?
Just start at one, I reckon. Look at that, it's amazing.
What's this one? The bridge, want to do the bridge? No. What's up there?
I mean, this has got totem poles. The bear. Guys... I don't think so.
No, this one's shit.
Get on the path, Rachel! Stop going off road.
I don't know why I'm running up here! I'm following you!
Waterfall! Waterfall! Come on, Sam! Hurry up.
I'm in the river, Paul! I don't think this is the best one.
We know we've got this one. We can come back.
This one hasn't even got a theme. What is it?
MINI GOLF EMPLOYEE: Sorry, excuse me, we have to close up now.
Oh. Over here! This one's got a snake.
Snake! A snake! Oh, yes, Sue. Nice one.
Quick. Quick! Cheers, mate. Right, Rachel, go, go.
Go, go, go.
Let's just try and do this one, if we can. OK.
Sorry. Sorry, excuse me. I'm just going to take these back.
Oh, no, no. Come on, mate. I've got to take the clubs back. It's closing time.
Stop, stop, stop. Please, please.
It's her birthday...six months ago.
Can we just...?
Go on, Rach. Play.
Sorry, mate. Come on.
Go on, Mum.
Go on, Rach.
Mashed potato!
Come on. Don't hit that. Oh, yes.
Oh, it's going to hit that rock. Ah, you've got... Oh, yes. Come on.
Out she comes, out she comes. Hello, we've got a good speed up.
Oh, it's nicked the... Hmm.
Hang on. Oh, hello. Hello, Rach.
No way.
Um... Oh, my God.
Oh, what!
RACHEL: And that is mini-golf.
THEY ALL CHEER
I don't believe it!
Sorry, Sorry. Hello, sorry. Can you pick that up, please?
Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah.
Well done, Mum.
That was one of the all-time great birthday presents.
I actually really enjoyed it. Thanks, Mum.
Well, thank your father. It was all him.
We'll do it again next year. Yeah...
Go on, then. Hmm? What funk should I listen to?
Aha, now have you ever heard of the phrase Jamiroquai?
Is that a person or a band?
No, no. It's a way of life.
Oh, Paul.
I think Lord Sugar's done his business on your seat.
Oh! Oh, for f...
Oh, no. Sam, you're sitting in the front on the way home, OK?
Ha-ha. What? That's a dump, that is.
MUSIC: Too Young To Die by Jamiroquai
# Da-da-do, da-da-do-do
# Do-do-do-do
# Da-da-da, da-da-do
# Do-do-do-do-do, da-da-do, da-da-do-do
# Do-do-do-do, da-da-da, da-da-do. #