1 00:00:02,485 --> 00:00:03,791 -Your Honor, the defendant was caught 2 00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:05,488 with the stolen items in her purse. 3 00:00:05,532 --> 00:00:07,577 -You Honor, my client, Mrs. Jasser -- 4 00:00:07,621 --> 00:00:10,928 -It's Ms.Jasser. 5 00:00:10,972 --> 00:00:12,626 -Noted. Ms. Jasser -- 6 00:00:12,669 --> 00:00:15,281 -You can call me Helen. 7 00:00:15,324 --> 00:00:17,413 -The defendant had no idea that -- 8 00:00:17,457 --> 00:00:20,373 -My husband's in a coma. -Oh. 9 00:00:20,416 --> 00:00:21,852 Objection, Your Honor. 10 00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:25,073 Th-The defendant is groping her attorney. 11 00:00:25,117 --> 00:00:27,902 -Counsel, approach the bench. 12 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:29,382 Oh, I got nothing. 13 00:00:29,425 --> 00:00:31,297 I just thought you could use a break. 14 00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:33,342 Am I crazy, or has someone been getting 15 00:00:33,386 --> 00:00:35,779 a lotof lady attention lately? 16 00:00:35,823 --> 00:00:37,520 -Connie from probate won't stop talking about 17 00:00:37,564 --> 00:00:39,783 the dashing new defense attorney with the thick hair 18 00:00:39,827 --> 00:00:42,917 and tush worth a push. 19 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,876 Connie's a big ol' freak. 20 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,661 -It's actually really annoying. 21 00:00:47,704 --> 00:00:49,619 I'm tired of women asking me if I've got any inside info 22 00:00:49,663 --> 00:00:51,795 on the silver fox I work with. 23 00:00:51,839 --> 00:00:55,277 Carol in the cafeteria, Carol at records, 24 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,105 Carol who's always wearing the cat blouse. 25 00:00:57,149 --> 00:00:59,629 -Oh! Go for cat blouse. 26 00:00:59,673 --> 00:01:02,676 I mean, I just thought that maybe she could be your chance 27 00:01:02,719 --> 00:01:05,635 at sharing your hopes and dreams with someone. 28 00:01:05,679 --> 00:01:08,812 And she could also share where to get that cat blouse. 29 00:01:08,856 --> 00:01:10,510 -Well, I hate to spoil all your fun, 30 00:01:10,553 --> 00:01:13,121 but my dating days are behind me. 31 00:01:13,165 --> 00:01:15,080 Of course, there was a time I would have killed 32 00:01:15,123 --> 00:01:16,864 for this kind of attention 33 00:01:16,907 --> 00:01:18,953 and almost did. 34 00:01:20,215 --> 00:01:22,522 Not a human, a chicken. 35 00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:25,655 A voodoo doctor back in Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana, 36 00:01:25,699 --> 00:01:29,050 told me that an animal sacrifice would make me irresistible 37 00:01:29,094 --> 00:01:31,008 to the fairer sex. 38 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,448 Anyway, let's get back to these weirdos. 39 00:01:35,490 --> 00:01:43,325 ♪♪ 40 00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:51,159 ♪♪ 41 00:01:51,203 --> 00:01:54,162 -Which one of these pet fish looks like the most fun? 42 00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:56,773 This one has kind eyes and seems like a good listener, 43 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,514 but this one's name is Zazzle. 44 00:01:59,559 --> 00:02:00,908 -Unless you're a seal, getting a fish 45 00:02:00,951 --> 00:02:03,824 is a desperate cry for help. 46 00:02:03,867 --> 00:02:05,434 -Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I 47 00:02:05,478 --> 00:02:07,175 have been doing the long-distance thing for a while, 48 00:02:07,219 --> 00:02:08,871 and I've been feeling a little lonely, 49 00:02:08,916 --> 00:02:10,526 so thought I'd get a pet. 50 00:02:10,570 --> 00:02:12,572 But it has to be one that you can't dress up 51 00:02:12,615 --> 00:02:15,662 because otherwise I'll never leave the apartment. 52 00:02:15,705 --> 00:02:17,664 -Well, stud, you got me into handcuffs. 53 00:02:17,707 --> 00:02:19,100 What now? 54 00:02:19,144 --> 00:02:20,884 [ Laughs ] 55 00:02:20,928 --> 00:02:22,233 -I mean, seriously, 56 00:02:22,277 --> 00:02:24,105 is there no poetry left in flirting? 57 00:02:24,149 --> 00:02:27,761 Earlier today, a woman yelled, "I'd like to climb that!" 58 00:02:27,804 --> 00:02:29,719 [ Laughter ] 59 00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:31,504 [ Cellphone vibrates ] 60 00:02:31,547 --> 00:02:34,724 -Ooh, I gotta get this. It's the fish people. 61 00:02:34,768 --> 00:02:36,204 -Excuse me, could you help me -- 62 00:02:36,248 --> 00:02:38,554 -Oh, please. Yes, can I help you -- 63 00:02:38,598 --> 00:02:41,427 what, would you like to bang my gavel [grumbles] 64 00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:43,211 or some other tortured double entendre? 65 00:02:43,255 --> 00:02:44,386 Let me tell you something. 66 00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:46,562 I dress like this to please myself, 67 00:02:46,606 --> 00:02:51,480 not to be ogled and debased by deviants like you. 68 00:02:51,524 --> 00:02:53,917 -I just wanted to know where the records room is. 69 00:02:53,961 --> 00:02:55,441 -Down the hall to the left, first right. 70 00:02:55,483 --> 00:02:56,703 -Ah. 71 00:02:56,746 --> 00:02:58,834 -Uh, excuse me. 72 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,489 I'd like to apologize. I'm very sorry. 73 00:03:00,533 --> 00:03:03,057 I -- I had a long day. 74 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:06,408 -Oh, I mean, I can't begin to appreciate the indignities 75 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:09,672 you must suffer as an upper-middle-class white man. 76 00:03:10,978 --> 00:03:12,414 -I deserve that. 77 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:13,894 Can I make it up to you 78 00:03:13,937 --> 00:03:16,897 by buying your... real-life newspaper? 79 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,768 -Oh, I actually get this delivered. 80 00:03:18,812 --> 00:03:21,945 Yeah, call me old fashioned, but I like knowing 81 00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:24,948 there was someone right outside my door while I was asleep. 82 00:03:24,992 --> 00:03:26,733 -[ Chuckles ] 83 00:03:26,776 --> 00:03:28,996 Ah, I thought I was one of the last people to read those. 84 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:30,693 Matter fact, I start every day by doing... 85 00:03:30,737 --> 00:03:32,869 -The Jumble. -...the Jumble. 86 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,088 Uh, I'm Dan. 87 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,611 -Oh. Julianne. -Hi. 88 00:03:35,655 --> 00:03:37,744 -Well, thanks for the directions, 89 00:03:37,786 --> 00:03:40,442 and good luck fending off the deviants. 90 00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,227 -Ha! [ Chuckles ] 91 00:03:43,793 --> 00:03:46,318 -Ah, screw it. Look, I did come over to you 92 00:03:46,361 --> 00:03:47,928 because I thought you were handsome, 93 00:03:47,971 --> 00:03:50,844 and my therapist told me that I should take more chances. 94 00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:52,889 Well, here's my number. 95 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,718 Maybe we can Jumble together sometime. 96 00:03:58,112 --> 00:04:01,463 -Oooh! 97 00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:04,074 -Dan met a lady! 98 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,859 -My heart is closed for business. 99 00:04:05,902 --> 00:04:07,730 I've had the great romance of my life. 100 00:04:07,774 --> 00:04:10,342 That's more than most people get. 101 00:04:10,385 --> 00:04:12,474 -I know you don't believe that. 102 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:15,129 I mean, just tonight you said that we're all entitled 103 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:17,087 to more than one great love. 104 00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:19,307 Sure, you were defending a polygamist cult leader, 105 00:04:19,351 --> 00:04:23,050 but I could tell it was from the heart. 106 00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:25,835 -Ugh, romance. 107 00:04:25,879 --> 00:04:27,576 Even those movies are depressing. 108 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:30,318 They're all about some woman who abandons a presentation 109 00:04:30,362 --> 00:04:32,364 to catch some guy at the airport. 110 00:04:32,407 --> 00:04:34,191 It's like, finish the presentation. 111 00:04:34,235 --> 00:04:37,020 The head of the company is there! 112 00:04:37,063 --> 00:04:40,154 -Well, y'all know me -- I always got a boo and a back-up boo. 113 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,895 You will not catch me on the kiss cam 114 00:04:41,938 --> 00:04:43,984 with no one to kiss, bumming out a whole stadium. 115 00:04:44,027 --> 00:04:46,900 It's just not fair to the fans. 116 00:04:46,943 --> 00:04:48,467 -All right, let's give Dan a break. 117 00:04:48,510 --> 00:04:50,643 If he doesn't want to date, that's okay. 118 00:04:50,686 --> 00:04:52,340 I mean, he doesn't need a special someone 119 00:04:52,384 --> 00:04:53,776 when he's got us. 120 00:04:53,820 --> 00:04:56,301 We are all the emotional connection he needs. 121 00:04:56,344 --> 00:04:58,563 -I'm just gonna go ahead and text Julianne. 122 00:04:58,607 --> 00:05:01,175 [ Laughter ] 123 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,568 -I'm an assistant district attorney 124 00:05:02,611 --> 00:05:03,917 in the city of New York, 125 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,875 and you will treat me with respect! 126 00:05:05,919 --> 00:05:07,616 [ Banging ] 127 00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:10,010 Okay, well, your client should have thought about that 128 00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:13,579 before took a bath in Richard Kind's apartment. 129 00:05:13,622 --> 00:05:16,625 Oh, okay. I'll see youin court. 130 00:05:19,976 --> 00:05:21,978 [ Coin splashes ] 131 00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:26,243 -You got any mints? 132 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,246 -This is a nightmare. 133 00:05:29,290 --> 00:05:31,248 I'm trying to find somewhere I can work that's quiet, 134 00:05:31,292 --> 00:05:33,033 but this just -- this is not worth it. 135 00:05:33,076 --> 00:05:35,383 -Well, isn't there an office all the DAs work out of? 136 00:05:35,427 --> 00:05:37,690 -Ugh! No one will leave me alone in there. 137 00:05:37,733 --> 00:05:39,256 Okay, you know what? It's fine. It's fine. 138 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:41,128 I'm -- I'm just gonna go and work in the morgue. 139 00:05:41,171 --> 00:05:44,131 The vibe is lousy, but at least there are plenty of drawers. 140 00:05:44,174 --> 00:05:46,394 -Well, hang on. I bet if we put our heads together, 141 00:05:46,438 --> 00:05:48,004 we can find you a quiet place to work. 142 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,615 -Oh, I don't know. I've looked everywhere. 143 00:05:49,658 --> 00:05:51,660 Every office and most of the closets are -- 144 00:05:51,704 --> 00:05:54,097 What -- What's -- What are you doing? 145 00:05:54,141 --> 00:05:56,839 Uh, you keep blueprints in the bathroom vent? 146 00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:58,406 -I keep blueprints in every vent. 147 00:05:58,450 --> 00:05:59,712 You never know when you might find yourself 148 00:05:59,755 --> 00:06:01,366 in a "Die Hard" situation. 149 00:06:03,455 --> 00:06:04,673 "Die Hard." 150 00:06:04,717 --> 00:06:07,589 -Uh... -Nakatomi Plaza? 151 00:06:07,633 --> 00:06:10,287 We open on a plane. 152 00:06:10,331 --> 00:06:12,551 A young Die Hard hates to fly. 153 00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,291 -Don't have time to hear a movie right now, Gurgs. 154 00:06:14,335 --> 00:06:15,945 -Right. One emergency at a time. 155 00:06:15,989 --> 00:06:17,382 All buildings like this have a lot 156 00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:18,948 of unused nooks and crannies. 157 00:06:18,992 --> 00:06:21,037 -Okay, well, looks like our best bet gonna be 158 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,691 right here in the east wing. 159 00:06:24,606 --> 00:06:27,174 [ Laughter ] 160 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:30,569 -Thanks for expediting the docket 161 00:06:30,612 --> 00:06:32,527 so Dan could leave early for his date. 162 00:06:32,571 --> 00:06:34,616 Any big plans for all this extra night we've got? 163 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:36,401 -Yeah, so many. 164 00:06:36,444 --> 00:06:38,751 Me and my boy...Jaston, the -- 165 00:06:38,794 --> 00:06:41,536 -It's okay to say nothing. -Nothing. 166 00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:43,059 You? 167 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,931 -Mondays used to be pizza night for me and Rand, 168 00:06:44,974 --> 00:06:48,063 but now we're 300 miles apart, so... 169 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,980 At least Dan's having fun. 170 00:06:51,024 --> 00:06:52,982 First dates are so magical. 171 00:06:53,026 --> 00:06:54,984 The anticipation, the jitters, 172 00:06:55,028 --> 00:06:56,551 the excitement when the car pulls up 173 00:06:56,595 --> 00:06:58,466 and you get that first whiff of garlic. 174 00:06:58,510 --> 00:07:00,990 Now I'm talking about pizza again. 175 00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:03,428 -Plus, Dan picked a great first-date spot. 176 00:07:03,471 --> 00:07:05,821 De Bello's minestrone is to die for. 177 00:07:05,865 --> 00:07:07,432 And they'll give you a cup for half off 178 00:07:07,475 --> 00:07:10,826 if you show them the text when your date cancels. 179 00:07:10,870 --> 00:07:14,134 -You don't think Julianne would cancel on Dan, though, right? 180 00:07:14,177 --> 00:07:16,658 I hate the idea of him sitting alone, rejected, 181 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:19,139 crying into a bowl of sad soup. 182 00:07:19,182 --> 00:07:20,749 -They won't upgrade you to a bowl, 183 00:07:20,793 --> 00:07:22,795 no matter how much you're crying. 184 00:07:22,837 --> 00:07:24,144 -I pushed him into this. 185 00:07:24,187 --> 00:07:25,798 I'm gonna feel terrible if he gets hurt. 186 00:07:25,841 --> 00:07:27,843 Like the time I snuck my cousin on a roller coaster 187 00:07:27,887 --> 00:07:30,193 and realized you have to be this tall for a reason. 188 00:07:30,237 --> 00:07:32,326 [ Laughter ] 189 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,675 Don't worry, there was a loop, 190 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:36,373 so she landed right back in her seat. 191 00:07:36,417 --> 00:07:39,464 But the guy said that almost never happens. 192 00:07:39,507 --> 00:07:43,598 Okay, what if I just popped into the restaurant for a quick peek 193 00:07:43,642 --> 00:07:45,948 just to make sure it's all going okay? 194 00:07:45,992 --> 00:07:47,341 That wouldn't be too crazy, right? 195 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,039 -No. I'll come, too. Moral support. 196 00:07:50,083 --> 00:07:52,041 Plus, I can tell people I was on a date. 197 00:07:52,085 --> 00:07:53,782 [ Laughter ] 198 00:07:56,089 --> 00:07:57,873 -Okay, I just real quick want to get eyes on him, 199 00:07:57,917 --> 00:07:59,484 and then we'll be on our way. 200 00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:01,529 -Hey, hey, Mr. Neil! 201 00:08:01,573 --> 00:08:04,706 Well, she showed up this time. Congratulations. 202 00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,839 -Oh, no, she's my boss. 203 00:08:06,882 --> 00:08:10,320 -Ah, that makes more sense. I'll go get your soup. 204 00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:13,367 -Oh! There he is. 205 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,065 Oh, no. He's alone. He got stood up. 206 00:08:16,109 --> 00:08:18,590 Okay, this was a bad idea. We should go. 207 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,635 [ Dishes clattering ] 208 00:08:21,854 --> 00:08:23,899 -Oh! Dan's here! 209 00:08:23,943 --> 00:08:25,379 Hi, Dan. 210 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,250 [ Laughter ] 211 00:08:30,863 --> 00:08:33,518 -What are you doing here? -It's a funny story. 212 00:08:33,561 --> 00:08:35,780 So, uh, Neil wanted soup, 213 00:08:35,823 --> 00:08:37,477 and then we knocked over that tray, 214 00:08:37,522 --> 00:08:40,785 and now you're mad at us. 215 00:08:40,828 --> 00:08:42,135 I'm so sorry. 216 00:08:42,178 --> 00:08:43,484 Julianne stood you up, didn't she? 217 00:08:43,528 --> 00:08:45,791 -Yes, she did. 218 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:49,534 Turns out she never liked me, I guess, and...oh. 219 00:08:49,577 --> 00:08:51,231 Ugh. Too much work. 220 00:08:51,274 --> 00:08:52,754 I never sent her a text. 221 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,364 -What the nuts, Dan? You didn't have to lie. 222 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:56,018 It's fine if you didn't like her. 223 00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:57,498 -No, it's not that I didn't like her. 224 00:08:57,542 --> 00:09:00,196 I actually found her rather captivating. 225 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,024 All right, look, if you must know, 226 00:09:02,068 --> 00:09:03,809 I actually did write her a text inviting her here to dinner. 227 00:09:03,852 --> 00:09:07,073 I just never got to the send part. 228 00:09:07,116 --> 00:09:09,641 That's how these things start -- with send, and then dinner, 229 00:09:09,684 --> 00:09:11,164 then a second dinner, 230 00:09:11,207 --> 00:09:12,600 and then all of a sudden it's Thanksgiving 231 00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:13,949 and you find yourself duking it out 232 00:09:13,993 --> 00:09:15,298 with her half-Turkish brother-in-law 233 00:09:15,342 --> 00:09:17,126 over American policy in the Balkans, 234 00:09:17,170 --> 00:09:18,824 and why in that particular scenario 235 00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:20,347 I have such strong opinions about that, 236 00:09:20,390 --> 00:09:22,610 I don't know, but I do. 237 00:09:22,654 --> 00:09:25,047 -The point is, 238 00:09:25,091 --> 00:09:26,875 I understand that this could be scary, 239 00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:28,485 but if you don't at least try, 240 00:09:28,529 --> 00:09:30,879 you could be missing out on something really special. 241 00:09:30,923 --> 00:09:33,490 You could take it as slow as you want. 242 00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:34,970 [ Text message whooshes ] 243 00:09:35,014 --> 00:09:38,147 -I'm sorry. I sent the text. 244 00:09:38,191 --> 00:09:39,627 What Abby said got to me. 245 00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:41,716 I can't watch you be alone anymore, Dan. 246 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,849 [ Laughter ] 247 00:09:43,892 --> 00:09:46,503 -Don't worry, it's not like she's gonna run on over here. 248 00:09:46,547 --> 00:09:48,375 [ Cellphone chimes ] 249 00:09:48,418 --> 00:09:50,377 -Says she'll be here in five minutes. 250 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,031 [ Laughter ] 251 00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:55,643 -Ah! I can't believe this has been 252 00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:57,514 hidden here this whole time. 253 00:09:57,558 --> 00:09:59,081 Why do you think it was boarded up? 254 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:00,648 -Well, my guess is this is where they used to 255 00:10:00,692 --> 00:10:02,650 prosecute all those witches. 256 00:10:02,694 --> 00:10:04,826 You know, New York City in the '70s was crazy. 257 00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:06,959 [ Chuckles ] 258 00:10:07,002 --> 00:10:08,351 -This is perfect. 259 00:10:08,395 --> 00:10:10,136 No one's gonna bother me here. 260 00:10:10,179 --> 00:10:13,661 -You know, I have to share an office with nine other bailiffs. 261 00:10:13,705 --> 00:10:17,404 Sure would be nice to have a place like this. 262 00:10:17,447 --> 00:10:20,494 -Um, seeing as you found it, 263 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,191 I-I-I guess we could share. 264 00:10:22,235 --> 00:10:24,672 -Oh! I could never... -Right? 265 00:10:24,716 --> 00:10:27,370 -...say no to an offer like that, so absolutely yes! 266 00:10:29,068 --> 00:10:31,418 -Good. That's what I wanted, 267 00:10:31,461 --> 00:10:34,073 yeah, and therefore why I asked. 268 00:10:34,116 --> 00:10:35,770 -We're gonna be office buddies. 269 00:10:35,814 --> 00:10:37,859 We can finally get to know each other better. 270 00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:39,731 First thing to know about me -- 271 00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:42,559 I love a Crockpot, because you can just set it and forget it. 272 00:10:42,603 --> 00:10:45,040 Oh, no! My stew! 273 00:10:45,084 --> 00:10:46,738 [ Laughter ] 274 00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:50,089 -Hey, do you want us to stay? 275 00:10:50,132 --> 00:10:52,700 It might keep things from being uncomfortable. 276 00:10:52,744 --> 00:10:55,616 It'll just be really, really weird. 277 00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:56,922 -No, it's okay. 278 00:10:56,965 --> 00:10:59,402 You guys can leave, um... 279 00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:01,622 Sure, it's been 27 years since I was on a date, 280 00:11:01,666 --> 00:11:03,406 but it's just dinner. 281 00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:05,539 One thing hasn't changed -- I am Dan Fielding, 282 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,629 a man renowned for his charm and grace and -- 283 00:11:08,673 --> 00:11:10,196 oh, my God, she's here. 284 00:11:10,239 --> 00:11:11,632 Ohh! She's wearing a scarf. 285 00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:12,981 Oh, you're staying. Get down. 286 00:11:13,025 --> 00:11:16,593 Get down. Get down. You're staying. 287 00:11:16,637 --> 00:11:19,335 -Don't I know you from somewhere? 288 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,337 -Hello, sailor. 289 00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,993 -Uh, hi. I'm Abby. 290 00:11:25,037 --> 00:11:27,082 -Oh, hello. -Hi. And this is Neil. 291 00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:28,562 -Hi. -Hi. 292 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:29,911 -The three of us were having a group hang, 293 00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:31,739 and Dan had the great idea 294 00:11:31,783 --> 00:11:34,263 to invite the charming woman he met the other day. 295 00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:36,613 -Well, I'm glad she couldn't make it and you asked me. 296 00:11:36,657 --> 00:11:38,703 -No, no, we mean you. 297 00:11:38,746 --> 00:11:41,096 She means you. Why did you say it like that? 298 00:11:42,794 --> 00:11:45,710 -Why don't you have a seat? -All right. 299 00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:48,234 -Oh, yes. 300 00:11:48,277 --> 00:11:50,627 -Ah, I love this place. 301 00:11:50,670 --> 00:11:53,674 You know, the minestrone here is incredible. 302 00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:56,590 -[ Whispering loudly ] This one's a keeper. 303 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,201 -I've never been a fan of soup. 304 00:11:59,245 --> 00:12:01,551 It's sort of like hot juice. 305 00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:03,684 [ Laughter ] 306 00:12:05,555 --> 00:12:08,036 -So, Julianne, where are you from? 307 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,864 -Uh, well, I-I grew up on Staten Island, 308 00:12:09,908 --> 00:12:12,998 but when I was 12, my parents -- -Oop! Trivia! 309 00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:16,218 Do you know that New York and New Jersey had a boat race -- 310 00:12:16,262 --> 00:12:20,788 [mimics motor] -- to decide who would incorporate Staten Island? 311 00:12:20,832 --> 00:12:22,311 -Really? Huh. 312 00:12:22,355 --> 00:12:23,748 You know, I never heard that. 313 00:12:23,791 --> 00:12:25,793 -You calling me a liar? -What? 314 00:12:25,837 --> 00:12:28,491 -Ha, ha! This guy! -Whoa! 315 00:12:28,535 --> 00:12:30,232 -Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy. 316 00:12:30,276 --> 00:12:31,756 Why don't you go to the bathroom and dry off? 317 00:12:31,799 --> 00:12:33,279 -What the? -And Neil, go with him. 318 00:12:33,322 --> 00:12:35,107 Calm him down. -Okay, but I'm also gonna pee 319 00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:36,151 while I'm in there. 320 00:12:36,195 --> 00:12:38,110 -Why would you tell me that? 321 00:12:39,938 --> 00:12:41,635 I'm sorry about Dan. 322 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,943 I promise he's usually more grumpy than he is insane. 323 00:12:44,986 --> 00:12:47,162 He's just nervous because he really likes you. 324 00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:49,077 -He's got nothing to be nervous about. 325 00:12:49,121 --> 00:12:51,123 You know, it's not like I'm looking for something serious. 326 00:12:51,166 --> 00:12:52,907 I just want to have a little fun. 327 00:12:52,951 --> 00:12:54,648 -Ah, fun. 328 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,955 Fun like someone to go bowling with? 329 00:12:56,998 --> 00:13:00,654 -No, like a fling. -Right, a fling. 330 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,830 Like an emotional fling where you support 331 00:13:02,874 --> 00:13:05,485 the other's inner life and embrace each other spiritually? 332 00:13:05,528 --> 00:13:08,618 -Like sex, Abby. I'm talking about sex. 333 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,229 -Sex like -- 334 00:13:10,272 --> 00:13:13,188 Nope, no way to intentionally misinterpret that. 335 00:13:13,232 --> 00:13:15,887 Sex it is! 336 00:13:18,628 --> 00:13:19,847 -Oh. -Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. 337 00:13:19,891 --> 00:13:21,544 -Oh, yes, I know, it's going terribly, 338 00:13:21,588 --> 00:13:23,851 but you didn't have to send Neil to the bathroom with me. 339 00:13:23,895 --> 00:13:27,899 He's still in there moving the part in his hair back and forth. 340 00:13:27,942 --> 00:13:29,465 -I gotta tell you something about Julianne. 341 00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,859 -Don't bother. You know what? I'm going home. 342 00:13:31,903 --> 00:13:34,949 I was clearly not ready for a date with a person. 343 00:13:34,993 --> 00:13:37,125 -Calling it a night is probably a good idea. 344 00:13:37,169 --> 00:13:38,779 Julianne doesn't want to go slow. 345 00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:40,563 She wants to go fast. Sex fast. 346 00:13:40,607 --> 00:13:41,869 Let's just get out of here. 347 00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:43,262 -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there. 348 00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:46,178 Just give me a minute to process this. 349 00:13:46,221 --> 00:13:47,483 -What is there to process? 350 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,094 I don't think you're ready for this. 351 00:13:49,137 --> 00:13:51,270 What are you gonna do -- go home, turn down the lights, 352 00:13:51,313 --> 00:13:54,534 light some candles, and yell boat facts at her? 353 00:13:54,577 --> 00:13:56,405 -I-I don't think I've ever told a woman 354 00:13:56,449 --> 00:13:57,798 I don't want to have sex. 355 00:13:57,842 --> 00:13:59,495 I don't even know how that would sound. 356 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,106 Hi, my name is Dan. I don't want to see you naked. 357 00:14:01,149 --> 00:14:03,586 Ooh, that sounds wrong. 358 00:14:04,152 --> 00:14:06,241 -Before you jump into anything, just take a minute. 359 00:14:06,285 --> 00:14:08,026 Consider if an empty, meaningless fling 360 00:14:08,069 --> 00:14:11,420 is really what you want. 361 00:14:11,464 --> 00:14:12,944 -You're right. 362 00:14:12,987 --> 00:14:14,249 -Do you want to get out of here? 363 00:14:14,293 --> 00:14:15,729 -Absolutely. Let me get my things. 364 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,470 [ Laughter ] 365 00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:20,777 -Oh, we're gonna have so much fun in here. 366 00:14:20,821 --> 00:14:22,388 Okay, check it out -- 367 00:14:22,431 --> 00:14:26,348 it's my Hot Mug Shot Guy of the Month calendar. 368 00:14:26,392 --> 00:14:30,135 Who are you more excited for, Cinco de Marco, 369 00:14:30,178 --> 00:14:33,051 or [chuckles]... 370 00:14:33,094 --> 00:14:36,619 Eight Nights of Shawnukkah? 371 00:14:36,663 --> 00:14:38,795 -Gurgs, some of those guys are legit murderers. 372 00:14:38,839 --> 00:14:40,754 -Well, I'm not picturing myself on a beach in Aruba 373 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,800 with their rap sheets. 374 00:14:43,844 --> 00:14:45,890 Besides, it's got all our important dates on it -- 375 00:14:45,933 --> 00:14:48,283 our birthdays, our officeiversary, 376 00:14:48,327 --> 00:14:49,719 which is today, 377 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:53,114 our holiday [whispers] Christmas party. 378 00:14:53,158 --> 00:14:54,550 -How about we just, you know, 379 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,378 hold off on the calendar talk for now 380 00:14:56,422 --> 00:14:58,772 and maybe focus on getting a little work done? 381 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,426 -We couldn't be more on the same page. 382 00:15:00,469 --> 00:15:02,036 I'm all about work, too. 383 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,691 Actually, can I get your opinion on something? 384 00:15:04,734 --> 00:15:06,954 Imagine you're in the courtroom, 385 00:15:06,998 --> 00:15:08,695 people are milling about, 386 00:15:08,738 --> 00:15:11,437 and then I hit you with, "All rise!" 387 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,527 It's too much bass? 388 00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:17,008 Would you prefer something more of a, 389 00:15:17,051 --> 00:15:19,271 [sensuously] "All rise"? 390 00:15:19,314 --> 00:15:21,012 [ Laughter ] 391 00:15:22,230 --> 00:15:25,103 -Well, I'm very sorry that we had to stop at the bodega 392 00:15:25,146 --> 00:15:26,756 for the wine, but, you know, I understand 393 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,977 that this vintage of... Kangaroo Fields Table Red 394 00:15:30,021 --> 00:15:32,980 is a very good year. 395 00:15:33,024 --> 00:15:35,983 -[ Chuckles ] Oh, I'm not here for the wine, Dan. 396 00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:39,769 -Oh, well, uhhhhh, how 'bout a snack? 397 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:42,685 You know, I bet that wine would pair well with a -- 398 00:15:42,729 --> 00:15:46,124 a Cheeto, uh, or Frito, of Dorito, 399 00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:48,778 any of the 'to snacks. Tostito! 400 00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:51,520 Ah, that has "to" on both ends. 401 00:15:51,564 --> 00:15:53,218 [ Laughter ] 402 00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:55,481 Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks? 403 00:15:55,524 --> 00:15:57,657 [ Rain stick rattling ] 404 00:15:58,701 --> 00:16:00,965 [ Laughter ] 405 00:16:01,008 --> 00:16:02,270 -How 'bout we move to a different room 406 00:16:02,314 --> 00:16:03,706 with a different stick? 407 00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:06,883 -Well, um, oh, you know, I got this 408 00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:09,016 with my late wife, um, Sarah. 409 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:10,235 It was on our first trip together. 410 00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:11,714 She wanted to, uh -- 411 00:16:11,758 --> 00:16:14,195 She wanted to go zip-lining in Costa Rica, 412 00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:16,545 but I didn't want to go to Costa Rica. 413 00:16:16,589 --> 00:16:17,633 I mean, I didn't want to go anywhere 414 00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,418 where I had to get a vaccination 415 00:16:19,461 --> 00:16:22,247 for something called Turtle Fever. 416 00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:25,206 But I wanted to make her happy. 417 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,992 Before Sarah, I couldn't -- couldn't imagine 418 00:16:28,035 --> 00:16:30,472 putting anyone's needs ahead of mine, 419 00:16:30,516 --> 00:16:32,953 but she changed me. 420 00:16:32,997 --> 00:16:35,651 I mean, uh, the old me would have been very much into this, 421 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:38,350 but, uh, I'm a different man now. 422 00:16:38,393 --> 00:16:39,612 I realize there's more to life -- 423 00:16:39,655 --> 00:16:41,831 -Oh, my God! 424 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,008 Please stop talking. 425 00:16:45,792 --> 00:16:47,837 Oh, you really know how to take the fun 426 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:50,231 out of a revenge plot. 427 00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,929 -I'm sorry, wait, wait. Revenge plot? 428 00:16:52,973 --> 00:16:55,889 -Of course, you don't remember me. 429 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,760 You had the judge throw the book at me 430 00:16:57,804 --> 00:17:02,330 for a little thing like setting my ex-boyfriend's house on fire. 431 00:17:02,374 --> 00:17:03,679 -Sorry, wait a minute. 432 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:04,985 This whole thing was just to get back at me 433 00:17:05,028 --> 00:17:06,768 for a case that happened 30 years ago? 434 00:17:06,813 --> 00:17:09,468 -That's right. Now, I have a whole revenge list. 435 00:17:09,511 --> 00:17:11,339 You're between my ex-mother-in-law 436 00:17:11,382 --> 00:17:13,167 and Boost Mobile. 437 00:17:15,126 --> 00:17:16,778 You know, I thought I'd never find you. 438 00:17:16,823 --> 00:17:19,912 But then I saw your name when I was back in court -- 439 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,829 uh, different boyfriend, different fire. 440 00:17:22,872 --> 00:17:24,918 -Sure. If it ain't broke... 441 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,572 -I was gonna steal your identity 442 00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:28,661 and leave you a shell of a man, 443 00:17:28,704 --> 00:17:30,967 but you can't burn a house down twice. 444 00:17:31,011 --> 00:17:34,145 Believe me, I've tried. 445 00:17:34,188 --> 00:17:35,668 Here's your wallet. 446 00:17:35,711 --> 00:17:38,627 And, uh, some advice -- 447 00:17:38,671 --> 00:17:41,674 use that money for a shrink or a pint of ice cream 448 00:17:41,717 --> 00:17:44,372 or something, because youneed help. 449 00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:48,855 And that's coming from someone who has been diagnosed 450 00:17:48,898 --> 00:17:50,944 as criminally insane. 451 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,033 [ Laughs and snorts ] 452 00:17:53,077 --> 00:17:54,774 [ Laughter ] 453 00:17:56,602 --> 00:17:58,604 -This isn't my wallet. 454 00:18:04,871 --> 00:18:08,048 -Gurgs, close the tarp. We need to talk. 455 00:18:08,092 --> 00:18:10,224 -Oh, no. Are you moving out? 456 00:18:10,268 --> 00:18:14,141 -Yeah, I realize I'm not really the office-sharing type. 457 00:18:14,185 --> 00:18:15,838 You can have this place. 458 00:18:15,882 --> 00:18:18,145 I'm gonna head down to the solitary-confinement cell. 459 00:18:18,189 --> 00:18:21,061 Could probably get a lot of work done before the madness sets in. 460 00:18:22,323 --> 00:18:24,369 -No, you don't have to do that. This is my fault. 461 00:18:24,412 --> 00:18:26,806 I came on too strong. I should be the one to go. 462 00:18:26,849 --> 00:18:28,851 -Yeah, it's not you. It's me, really. 463 00:18:28,895 --> 00:18:31,898 I'm just uncomfortable around people. 464 00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:33,856 -Makes it hard to get to know you. 465 00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:35,293 -Why would you want to get to know me? 466 00:18:35,336 --> 00:18:37,121 -'Cause I like you. 467 00:18:37,164 --> 00:18:39,819 I thought this office would be a chance to bring us closer. 468 00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:41,429 But nothing was working. 469 00:18:41,473 --> 00:18:43,518 I got in my head, and my heart was pounding. 470 00:18:43,562 --> 00:18:45,085 -And your mouth was doing things 471 00:18:45,129 --> 00:18:46,173 even though your brain kept yelling, "Stop!" 472 00:18:46,217 --> 00:18:48,044 -Yes! I thought I was gonna die. 473 00:18:48,088 --> 00:18:50,003 -That's how I feel around everyone all of the time! 474 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,744 -Oh! We're bonding. 475 00:18:51,787 --> 00:18:54,181 -Are we work wives now? 476 00:18:54,225 --> 00:18:58,272 -Look at us, like two weird ingredients in the perfect stew. 477 00:18:58,316 --> 00:18:59,708 Oh, no! My other stew! 478 00:18:59,752 --> 00:19:01,841 -No, no, no, it's okay. 479 00:19:01,884 --> 00:19:03,495 I turned it off for you. 480 00:19:05,714 --> 00:19:07,629 [ Laughter ] 481 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,067 -So what do you say? 482 00:19:11,111 --> 00:19:12,417 Give this another chance? 483 00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:14,201 -On one condition. 484 00:19:14,245 --> 00:19:16,247 You explain to me what Nakatomi Plaza is. 485 00:19:16,290 --> 00:19:19,206 -[ Gasps ] I thought you'd never ask. 486 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:22,035 When last we left our young Die Hard, 487 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,602 he was on a plane. 488 00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:25,125 [ Laughter ] 489 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,216 -How'd it go? Nope, not gonna ask. 490 00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:30,609 It's not my business so I don't wanna know -- 491 00:19:30,652 --> 00:19:32,088 -Nothing happened. 492 00:19:32,132 --> 00:19:34,482 -Thank you so much. It was killing me. 493 00:19:34,526 --> 00:19:36,397 -Well, nothing in the way that you're thinking, 494 00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:40,009 but very much in the way that I had a minor breakdown 495 00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:41,533 and he tried to rob me. 496 00:19:41,576 --> 00:19:46,146 But I foiled her devious plan by being too sad. 497 00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,540 -So, you gonna call her again? 498 00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:52,108 I'm sorry I got so involved. 499 00:19:52,152 --> 00:19:54,546 It's possible I may have been living through you 500 00:19:54,589 --> 00:19:57,113 since my entire life is upstate -- 501 00:19:57,157 --> 00:20:00,421 my friends, my fiancé, my cow. 502 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,338 -I know you paused after cow wanting me to ask, 503 00:20:04,382 --> 00:20:06,819 but I never will. 504 00:20:06,862 --> 00:20:08,429 -That's too bad. She's got a rough hide 505 00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:11,780 and a tender heart, just like you. 506 00:20:11,824 --> 00:20:14,261 I just wanted you to find somebody. 507 00:20:14,305 --> 00:20:16,959 Being alone seems kinda hard. 508 00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:18,831 -Sometimes. 509 00:20:18,874 --> 00:20:21,312 But you know what made it easier 510 00:20:21,355 --> 00:20:24,967 when she turned out to be a sociopath? 511 00:20:25,011 --> 00:20:26,795 Knowing that if I ever do want to talk, 512 00:20:26,839 --> 00:20:28,319 and I'm not saying that I ever will, 513 00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:31,409 but if I ever did, I could imagine a possible, 514 00:20:31,452 --> 00:20:34,281 though veryunlikely scenario, 515 00:20:34,325 --> 00:20:38,590 where I might choose to talk...to you. 516 00:20:39,591 --> 00:20:41,636 -Mm-hmm. 517 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,072 -You may react. 518 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,987 -Eee! -Oh, don't. 519 00:20:46,815 --> 00:20:48,643 -Oh! I can't wait to dig in. 520 00:20:48,687 --> 00:20:50,210 Okay, first up -- childhood. 521 00:20:50,254 --> 00:20:52,430 Who's love did you crave, your mom's or your dad's? 522 00:20:52,473 --> 00:20:57,086 -To be clear, this is happening notime soon. 523 00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,350 -I'm getting dad. -He was a very complicated ma-- 524 00:20:59,393 --> 00:21:02,614 No! For right now, we are just two people 525 00:21:02,657 --> 00:21:04,180 who get to hate 526 00:21:04,224 --> 00:21:07,009 all of the un-lonely people around us. 527 00:21:07,053 --> 00:21:09,273 -Yeah, like those two. 528 00:21:09,316 --> 00:21:10,839 Jerks. 529 00:21:10,883 --> 00:21:12,928 So annoying. 530 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,757 Being all happy. -Yuck. 531 00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:17,803 It made you feel bad saying that, didn't it? 532 00:21:17,846 --> 00:21:19,631 -Yeah, but I want us to have a thing. 533 00:21:19,674 --> 00:21:21,502 -Ah.