1 00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:03,481 ♪♪ 2 00:00:03,525 --> 00:00:06,049 -Dan, come on over. The water's fine. 3 00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:08,269 -I have the same water as you, and you know it's not fine. 4 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,010 -Alright, well, you're missing out, 5 00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:12,142 'cause we're having a pretty good time over here. 6 00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:13,665 -Ah! 7 00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,058 -What? What is it? 8 00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:18,192 -It's nothing, your odor -- Your Honor. 9 00:00:18,235 --> 00:00:20,890 -Hypothetically, if you had a co-worker 10 00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:23,414 who smelled like soggy cardboard in the back of a taxi, 11 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:26,548 would you want me to tell you that that's you? 12 00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,898 -I'm having some issues with my apartment. 13 00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:31,248 It's above a German beer hall, so no matter what I do, 14 00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:33,381 I smell like a combination of sauerkraut, mustard, 15 00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:36,036 and soccer fan B.O. 16 00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:38,908 Yeah, it's not my dream apartment, but it's New York. 17 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,562 Nobody spends time inside anyway. 18 00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:42,042 And it will be even less 19 00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:44,131 when my fiancé, Rand, visits this weekend. 20 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:47,699 He wants to go see the ladies of "The View." 21 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:49,353 Not the show. He knows where they live 22 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,964 for some reason. 23 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,576 So, it's totally fine. It's fine. 24 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,795 -It's not fine for people who are close to you 25 00:00:56,839 --> 00:01:00,321 and still have a nose. 26 00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:03,367 You need a new apartment. You know, and you happen to be 27 00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,152 in the building with the info to get it. 28 00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:08,938 What you do is that you find whoever has this place wired, 29 00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,114 and you're set. 30 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,116 -Claire, looking good. 31 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,249 Donnie, I loved your one-man show. 32 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:18,600 Timo! How's your mama's psoriasis? 33 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:22,995 Well, tell her to keep her head up and her scalp moisturized. 34 00:01:23,039 --> 00:01:25,128 -I see where this is going. 35 00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,782 Fine, I'll help you. 36 00:01:28,783 --> 00:01:36,400 ♪♪ 37 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:44,104 ♪♪ 38 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:47,281 -So, Gurgs, 39 00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:48,978 how's your life going? 40 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,979 -Great as always. I got a quesadilla maker. 41 00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,329 With a little bit of cheese, 42 00:01:52,372 --> 00:01:54,157 I can turn anything into a quesadilla. 43 00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:55,811 This folder? Quesadilla. 44 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:58,988 This shirt? Quesadilla. [ Laughs ] 45 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,164 -I heard you might, uh, know certain things, 46 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:05,473 like places where people, um, dwell. 47 00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:08,170 -What the judge is trying to ask is can you help her find 48 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,042 a new apartment that doesn't make her smell 49 00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:13,350 like the inside of a men's-only omelet cafe? 50 00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,178 -Thank you, Dan. 51 00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:17,833 I'd just love to have something to show Rand this weekend. 52 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,313 We've been doing the long-distance thing, 53 00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:20,879 but we make it fun. 54 00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:22,707 There's a nice little diner halfway between us 55 00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:26,494 that specializes in something called Oneonta Clam Chowder, 56 00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:28,148 which is gray. 57 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,064 -Well, I'm glad you came to me for help. 58 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,849 I'm a great amateur Realtor. 59 00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:35,720 I found my friend Cheryl an amazing storefront 60 00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,505 where she sells garbage cams. 61 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:38,723 -Cans. -Cams. 62 00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:39,985 -Cans. 63 00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:42,074 Cans. -Cams. 64 00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,466 -Okay, I think we got it. 65 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,555 -And finding you a place will be super easy. 66 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,863 I mean, who wouldn't want a judge owing them a favor? 67 00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:50,039 -Uh, I'd rather my position not be a part of it. 68 00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,301 I became a judge because I want 69 00:02:51,345 --> 00:02:52,781 to help people, not for the perks. 70 00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:55,000 -Okay, so you got a moral code. 71 00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:57,567 That's gonna make this harder. 72 00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,135 But I got this. 73 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,529 Would you be okay if people watched you sleep 74 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,922 as part of an art experiment? 75 00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:06,447 ♪♪ 76 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,884 -Abby will find a place, and she'll look back on this fondly, 77 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:10,451 because having a bad apartment in New York 78 00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,322 is a rite of passage, like telling your friend 79 00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:14,542 you loved his play. 80 00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,500 -I lived under a cannery once. 81 00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:17,980 Did you know fish scream? 82 00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:20,374 -Aah! 83 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,941 -That's male salmon. 84 00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:24,987 -I think I left something in the cafeteria. 85 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,598 Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. It was my charger 86 00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:30,384 for my, uh, bippity-bip, ring-ring. 87 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:33,082 -Whoa. Wait. What's happening? 88 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,606 -Oh. Is that her? -Is what? Is that who? 89 00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,869 I've never met anyone. Let's go. -No, wait, just -- 90 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,915 I never thought I'd say this to anybody in this building, 91 00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:42,091 but, Neil, please, tell me more. 92 00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:44,006 -A few years ago, Olivia was up for a job 93 00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,312 at one of those big law firms 94 00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:47,183 that represents all the terrible people. 95 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:51,055 -Congratulations. -Thank you. 96 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,754 -So, she bombs the interview, 97 00:03:52,797 --> 00:03:55,103 chases that woman down, corners her -- 98 00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,498 -No, I nailed the interview, 99 00:03:57,541 --> 00:04:00,022 and then after, in the lobby, 100 00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,763 I bumped into one of the partners, Lesley, 101 00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,112 and I got a little flustered 102 00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:05,157 trying to engage in polite conversation, 103 00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:07,551 you know, like, "How do you take your pudding?" 104 00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:10,641 -[ Laughs ] Dear God. 105 00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,296 -And -- And -- And then I accidentally crammed myself 106 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,950 into the same section of the revolving door 107 00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,082 that she was in, and it got stuck. 108 00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,563 -For six hours, and she talked about pudding the whole time. 109 00:04:19,606 --> 00:04:22,392 -[ Sighs ] That is a career ruiner, 110 00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:25,395 but on the bright side, you have made me very happy. 111 00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:27,005 -Can we stop talking about this now? 112 00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:28,355 'Cause I hate this story. 113 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,270 -Oh, y'all talking about door pudding? 114 00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:32,794 [ Laughing ] 115 00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,578 I love that story. 116 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:38,974 -What is she even doing here? 117 00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,498 I-I thought I would never have to see that woman again. 118 00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,587 -It looks like she has a case here tomorrow night. 119 00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:46,982 -What? I'm gonna be in court tomorrow night. 120 00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:48,897 That means I'm gonna have to look at her. 121 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,725 And she's gonna be able to look at me. 122 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:54,859 -Well, that's how being in the same room with a person works. 123 00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:59,386 -Y'all gonna come in here and do your job or what? 124 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:04,826 -The State is charging Mr. Simms with assault. 125 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,349 He had an altercation with his landlord, 126 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,047 who evicted him after his ninth noise complaint. 127 00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:10,962 -But, Your Honor, you got to understand, 128 00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:13,530 I'm just trying to write that one perfect song. 129 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:15,271 -Let's not. 130 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,843 Assault? Your Honor, this was a simple misunderstanding. 131 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,411 My client accidentally pushed his landlord 132 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:27,457 as he was being evicted from his home of 12 years. 133 00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,503 -[ Clears throat loudly ] 134 00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,289 -Bailiff, do you need a moment? 135 00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,073 -I'm fine, Your Honor. 136 00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:38,294 Eviction, huh? That's interesting. 137 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,034 An empty apartment. 138 00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,385 Empty like crazy. 139 00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,821 -Bailiff, approach the bench. 140 00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,649 -Oh. I never get to do this. 141 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:50,175 -Did you move an eviction case to the top of the pile? 142 00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,917 -No, Your Honor. 143 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:55,137 I infiltrated the entire pile. 144 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:56,704 The day clerk owed me a favor, 145 00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:59,054 so I got him to kick us all his eviction cases. 146 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,404 -I don't think I love this version of house hunting. 147 00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:03,275 -Why? You're not doing anything wrong. You're just sitting here, 148 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:06,714 listening to details. Enjoy. 149 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:09,543 -Your Honor, Mr. Simms has lived in his Gramercy Park apartment 150 00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:10,935 since... -Hmm. 151 00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,722 -...2010. 152 00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,506 He was distraught. He was being thrown out 153 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,682 of a home that he had spent years renovating. 154 00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:21,816 -Mm. 155 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:24,035 -Your Honor, none of this excuses the injuries 156 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,907 that my client and his -- 157 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:28,518 Injuries that, uh -- 158 00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:32,000 Sorry. What I was trying to say was... 159 00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:35,438 he go jail now. 160 00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:37,614 -Okay, the people have failed to prove 161 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:38,789 that this was not an accident. 162 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,965 Mr. Simms, you're free to go. 163 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:43,751 And for the record, there already is a perfect song. 164 00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:46,275 It's called "You Oughta Know," and it's by Alanis Morissette. 165 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:52,412 Counselors, approach. 166 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,457 What am I missing here? -Uh, sorry. 167 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,460 It's just, there's a woman here who, um, rejected me for a job. 168 00:06:57,504 --> 00:07:00,811 So, I-I just need a second to get it together. 169 00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:03,510 -I don't know about that. I think you had the "So, um, 170 00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:07,383 he go jail now" prosecution down perfect. 171 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,517 -Mr. Fielding, it's not polite to razz the prosecution. 172 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,953 -That wasn't razzing. 173 00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,477 That was mocking. 174 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:15,913 -Okay, let's take five. 175 00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,962 -Oh, that's how I know you. 176 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,225 You're door pudding. 177 00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,140 -Yes. 178 00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:27,490 Welcome. 179 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,537 -I'm just here scoping out this place before my trial tomorrow. 180 00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,582 You know, I'm surprised someone with your potential 181 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,454 would end up here. 182 00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:37,848 -You do an amazing impression of my mother. 183 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:40,982 -Unless it's actually a pretty smart play. 184 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:44,332 Build up trial experience, get some wins. 185 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,509 I'll be interested to see what you do tomorrow. 186 00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,990 -Oh. Right. Tomorrow. 187 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,992 That's two days after yesterday. 188 00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:53,037 [ Laughs awkwardly ] 189 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:55,997 And the day that I'll be calling in sick. 190 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,565 I'll just say that I ate whatever Abby smells like. 191 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:02,656 -Hey, it's whatever "Her Honor" smells like to you. 192 00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:06,224 Ugh, it's on the gavel now. 193 00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,139 -Call in sick? 194 00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,663 What are you talking about? 195 00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:10,968 She was courting you. 196 00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,666 -She was? -Yes, yes. 197 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,668 She was hinting that you still got a shot at this job. 198 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,844 I mean, it was so obvious, even Neil could pick up on it. 199 00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,368 -What did I pick up on? -Oh. No, he didn't. 200 00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:23,198 But all you have to do is show her what you've got tomorrow. 201 00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:25,200 -I can't go up against her in a conversation. 202 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:28,029 What are the odds I'm gonna beat her in a trial? 203 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:32,860 -Alright, look, if you're that nervous, I can help you prepare. 204 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,384 -Why would you do that? 205 00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:37,255 You want something from me. 206 00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:39,126 -All I want is the fulfillment I get 207 00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:41,520 from passing along my guidance and wisdom 208 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,697 to the next generation. -Uh-huh. 209 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,177 -And a bagel and lox from Zabar's 210 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,136 every Saturday morning for the next four months. 211 00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:50,355 -[ Scoffing ] 212 00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:52,836 Yeah. Okay. 213 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,272 I'll take the help. 214 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,926 -Uh, Olivia? -Uh-huh. 215 00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:59,539 -You forget the capers, I'll ruin you. 216 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,758 ♪♪ 217 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,021 -I really appreciate everything you've been doing, Gurgs, 218 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:05,849 but I just can't take the apartment 219 00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:08,243 of someone who's just been evicted. 220 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,462 -Loud and clear. You don't feel good 221 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,682 about using the court to get you stuff. 222 00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:16,338 But you do like finding the good in a bad situation. 223 00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:17,774 That gave me the inspiration 224 00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:21,735 for the death certificate office. 225 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:24,738 These people don't need in-unit washer/dryers. 226 00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:27,828 They're in God's hamper now. 227 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,569 -Still, it's a little creepy, right? 228 00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,135 -Everybody thinks that, 229 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,834 but there's actually nothing creepy about this place. 230 00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,491 Hey, Sandy. 231 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,454 You been working out? 232 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,636 -There are some nice zip codes here. 233 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,377 But still, it's just not ideal 234 00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,031 that my first apartment with Rand 235 00:09:57,074 --> 00:10:00,861 is somewhere where "two people exploded each other." 236 00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,908 Aww, hope it was for love. 237 00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:07,302 -No, keep reading. It says it wasn't. 238 00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,999 -Okay, you know what? 239 00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:11,959 I actually think that my current apartment isn't so bad. 240 00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:14,788 Smelling like sausages does have its upside. 241 00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:18,618 Who doesn't love a bunch of dogs following them around? 242 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,707 -Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help, 243 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:24,711 but why don't you come over to my place tomorrow morning 244 00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:27,844 before Rand gets here, have some brunch quesadillas, 245 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,846 and take a shower where you won't come out 246 00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,500 smelling worse than when you started? 247 00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,806 -I-I don't think I should. 248 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,025 We should really keep this professional. 249 00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,505 Actually, please let me. 250 00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,159 I've snuck into the Equinox so many times, 251 00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,944 they're now keeping guards outside the showers. 252 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,779 -Come on in. -I brought my own towel. 253 00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,999 Ah, but now I'm feeling weird about drying my body 254 00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:53,391 with something I carried on the subway, 255 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:57,004 so I still need to borrow a towel. 256 00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:58,570 Why is there no furniture? 257 00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:02,400 -I am embracing minimalism. 258 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:04,141 I had to get you to see this place. 259 00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:07,710 It's perfect, and you can barely sense that someone died here 260 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,931 of auto-erotic, uh... 261 00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,150 natural causes. 262 00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:16,110 ♪♪ 263 00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:19,026 -Alright. So, first, we got to get you in the right headspace. 264 00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:22,682 Visualize yourself in the courtroom, in control. 265 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:26,163 You are powerful, tall, masculine. 266 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,817 You're me. 267 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,906 -I don't think this is helping. 268 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:32,039 -Do I have to stay for this? -Yes. 269 00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,563 You are an integral part of the process. 270 00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,652 Our remote control. 271 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:40,264 Now, play the tape of Lesley in day court. 272 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,657 Now, watch the way she moves. 273 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,703 There's -- There's a cocky strut there. 274 00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,574 -Yeah, and look at that day clerk, Clint, 275 00:11:45,617 --> 00:11:48,403 peacocking around in his bolo tie. 276 00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:49,752 -Now, if you mimic her movements, 277 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,928 you will confuse and frighten her. 278 00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,930 Now, watch the way she walks there. You see that? 279 00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:57,455 There's a bit of a-a lean to it there. Right? 280 00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:58,848 Uh-huh. Yeah, like that, like that. 281 00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:01,546 Now, remember, this is your home court. 282 00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:04,027 You're in control. You know, take up space. 283 00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:06,769 Don't give her any space. 284 00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,684 More -- Well, maybe not that much space. 285 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,947 -Okay, I can't do this! I can't do it! 286 00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:13,080 I-I can't walk like her. I can't talk like her. 287 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:14,516 I am never gonna beat her. 288 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,866 I just -- I give up. -You can't give up. 289 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,650 You've got to make up for the oyster thing. 290 00:12:18,694 --> 00:12:22,263 I-I mean for the door thing. 291 00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,656 -Oh, that'swhat this is about. 292 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,093 Some oyster thing. 293 00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:28,617 This isn't about me. This is about you. 294 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,227 -Yes, of course it's about me. 295 00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:33,361 Everything's about me. 296 00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,363 I was up for a job at an ampersand firm, 297 00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,147 and I was so close to getting it 298 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:41,108 that the partners even took me out for a celebratory lunch. 299 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,500 I decided I would impress them 300 00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:45,460 with my expert oyster-shucking skills. 301 00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,592 Unfortunately, earlier, I had already impressed them 302 00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,204 with my whiskey drinking skills. 303 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,249 And the oyster knife slipped, 304 00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:55,122 and I stabbed the oldest partner. 305 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:58,821 Small tip -- don't pull the knife back out. 306 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,998 Also, don't put it back in. 307 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:06,698 Even when everybody's screaming, "Why did you pull it out?!" 308 00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:09,571 That one little mistake cost me a job and my future career, 309 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:14,054 but you, you have a chance to rewrite your origin story. 310 00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,491 You show Lesley up, and it'll be a win for you, 311 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,362 but more importantly, it would be a win 312 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:20,277 for night court lawyers everywhere. 313 00:13:20,321 --> 00:13:24,107 Even more importantly than that, it'll be a win for me. 314 00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:25,717 ♪♪ 315 00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:27,371 -Gurgs, we talked about this. 316 00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:30,200 -I'm sorry I tricked you, but this place is such a find. 317 00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:33,421 2 bed, 1-1/2 bath, fireplace. 318 00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,249 Smell that. [ Sniffing ] 319 00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,816 That's nothing. Your apartment don't have to 320 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,383 smell like anything. 321 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:40,950 -I wish that was true. I just -- 322 00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:42,734 I don't want to use the fact that I'm a judge 323 00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,475 to help me get into a -- -No. 324 00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,695 You are always trying to find the bright side of things. 325 00:13:46,738 --> 00:13:48,479 Can't you find the bright side 326 00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,960 of getting first dibs on a place like this? 327 00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:53,615 -It is nice. I guess I could just look around. 328 00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:54,921 -Yeah, you could. 329 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,226 -I mean, that wouldn't be unethical. 330 00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,185 -It would be ethical as hell. 331 00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,930 Just one caveat, barely worth mentioning. 332 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,019 New York City landlords don't like renting 333 00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,892 to judges or lawyers, so if he asks, you make teeth. 334 00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,807 Arnold! 335 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,636 This is my friend Abby I was telling you about. 336 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,333 -I-I make teeth. 337 00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,814 -Is that interesting work, or... -Oh, is it ever. Yeah. 338 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,904 I-I love looking in people's mouths. 339 00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:25,560 It's -- It's like a hot, weird cave in there. 340 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,910 -Well, actually, I was wondering, 341 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:31,218 my son, he just grew in an extra tooth. 342 00:14:31,261 --> 00:14:33,524 Is that normal? -Oh, yeah, yeah. So normal. 343 00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:35,831 The, um -- The average human... [Stammers] 344 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,574 ...has anywhere between 19 and 50 teeth. 345 00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,228 -Well, I'll -- I'll just, uh -- I'll follow up 346 00:14:41,271 --> 00:14:43,099 on your references, and I'll be in touch. 347 00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,405 -Fingers crossed. 348 00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:47,799 Or, as we say in the tooth business... 349 00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,801 -It's in the tooth fairy's hands now. 350 00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:52,369 May that wily bitch bless us this day. 351 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:56,896 ♪♪ 352 00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,072 -Rewrite my story. -Rewrite your story. 353 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,769 -Rewrite it, girl. 354 00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:03,946 Notice anything different 355 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,079 "bolo" my neck? [below] 356 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,734 -Wait, where's Lesley? 357 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,172 -She had to go handle a higher profile case. 358 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,043 Bludgeoning. 359 00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:16,567 So you guys get the Devinator. 360 00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:21,181 Sorry, I should have started with, "I'm Devin." 361 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,620 -Of course I'm not going to get to go up against Lesley, 362 00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:28,492 because my life has been cursed since the day I met her. 363 00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,146 And much like that revolving door, 364 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:34,977 I am now stuck in a sweaty chamber of my own failure. 365 00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:38,938 -You know, I said this is about me, but it isn't. 366 00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,809 It's about you. 367 00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:43,681 Alright, look, this type of disappointment 368 00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:44,987 is still fresh to you. 369 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,120 After I shucked my way out of that job, 370 00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:48,730 I beat myself up for years, 371 00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,427 but that doesn't have to happen to you, 372 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:52,342 because you have two things that I didn't -- 373 00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:55,084 a chance to go and kick Devin's ass, 374 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:58,696 and more importantly, you have me 375 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:02,091 to give you speeches like this. 376 00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:05,138 You know what? This isabout me. 377 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,444 I'm the hero. Yes, of course. It, uh, makes sense. 378 00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:10,708 Alright, now go in there and destroy this schmuck 379 00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:15,583 who took your dream job and is living your dream life. 380 00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,019 -You think he has a vintage Ralph Lauren 381 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,020 mahogany sleigh bed? 382 00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:21,197 -Oh, I do, I really do. 383 00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,894 -Let's do this. 384 00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,507 -It's a pull. 385 00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:31,512 Doors. Not her thing. 386 00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:37,692 -And so, in conclusion, 387 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,346 I humbly ask this court 388 00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:42,044 to stand up for truth and justice, 389 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,872 so that our children may grow up in a world 390 00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,830 where no man can steal an ambulance, 391 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,877 even if it isa triple dare. 392 00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:54,013 The prosecution rests. 393 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,797 -Thank you, counselor. 394 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,190 In the future, I only ask 395 00:16:57,233 --> 00:17:00,671 that you keep your arguments under two hours. 396 00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:01,716 Guilty. 397 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:04,284 That's a recess, people. 398 00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:05,936 -Good work, counselor. 399 00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:09,550 Oh, and just know that Zabar's gets really crowded 400 00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:12,857 on Saturday morning, so get there early. 401 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,685 -Oh, Judge, you got the place! 402 00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,470 -Oh, gosh, I got it? 403 00:17:16,512 --> 00:17:18,037 Oh, I cannot wait to tell Rand 404 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,560 I have a place to show him this weekend. 405 00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:34,618 ♪♪ 406 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,187 -He's not coming down, is he? 407 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:41,190 -Something came up at work, so he had to cancel. 408 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,888 You know, it's actually better, because I am gonna start 409 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,760 planning how to decorate the apartment. 410 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:47,544 I'm gonna get the floor plans, 411 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:49,068 and I'm gonna start measuring, so -- 412 00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:51,418 -You don't have to do that. 413 00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:54,116 You don't have to always try and find the positive spin. 414 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,988 You're allowed to be mad. 415 00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,252 -I think it's better to put positive energy out there. 416 00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:00,818 -To each his own. 417 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:03,256 I always try to put medium energy out there. 418 00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:07,434 Of course, no energy is the dream. 419 00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:10,741 -Yes, it is hard to be positive all the time. 420 00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:12,395 Especially lately. 421 00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:15,137 This transition has been a little harder than I thought. 422 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,270 -Mm. You know what? 423 00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,923 Let's try something for the next few minutes. 424 00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:21,970 Just allow yourself to be angry. 425 00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:23,841 -No, I don't think -- -No, just try it. 426 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,191 -No, it's just not how I -- -Just try it. 427 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:26,583 -Would you stop interrupting me?! 428 00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,019 I have enough going on already! 429 00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:29,673 Nothing is going how I planned! 430 00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:32,067 My apartment makes me smell disgusting! 431 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,114 I have to eat chicken breakfast at 4:00 in the afternoon! 432 00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,464 I can't unsubscribe from any e-mail list, 433 00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:40,945 which has nothing to do with the move, but it's very frustrating! 434 00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,168 -Anything else? -And Rand isn't here! 435 00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,475 I want him to be here to help me with this stuff! 436 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:51,173 And, no, I know it's not totally fair to make him uproot his life 437 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:55,786 just for me to pursue a dream, but, ugh, I want it anyway! 438 00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,919 -Want to keep going? You got at least another 30 seconds left, 439 00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:01,140 and you haven't even mentioned gray chowder. 440 00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,794 -He's coming. The landlord. Remember, you make teeth. 441 00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,405 -What? -He came to get a copy 442 00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,146 of his tenant's death certificate, 443 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:10,018 and now he's almost here. 444 00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:13,108 -Arnold! You old so-and-so. 445 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,502 Hey, how is your son's weird mouth? 446 00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:18,679 -I was just in the building when I ran into your friend, 447 00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:23,771 but she screamed, "I'm not here" and ran. 448 00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:25,294 So, you're a judge? 449 00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:27,035 -Just got a new job. 450 00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,690 Big step up. 451 00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:31,866 Yes, I-I am a judge. 452 00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:35,304 Uh, but I love that apartment, 453 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,959 and I've had a really bad day. 454 00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:40,179 Any chance you can give a gal a break? 455 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,571 I could still make you a tooth. 456 00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,356 How hard could it be? 457 00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,663 -Actually, I just learned the apartment's no longer available. 458 00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:47,925 -You just learned that? 459 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:50,580 -Yeah. Just now. 460 00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,191 I'm gonna go. 461 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:57,500 -I'd like the room, please. 462 00:19:57,544 --> 00:20:00,503 -Oh. [ Murmurs ] 463 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:01,939 Just -- 464 00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:04,812 [ Abby screams, objects crashing and shattering ] 465 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,253 -See you tomorrow. 466 00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:21,698 -I believe we unleashed something. 467 00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:23,439 -What you mean, "we"? 468 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:26,094 ♪♪ 469 00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:27,487 Sorry about the apartment, Judge. 470 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:30,359 -Mm. Me, too, but it's totally fine. 471 00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:32,492 -Don't do it. 472 00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:35,277 -Okay, it's not totally fine. It's bad. 473 00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,236 See? I'm getting better. -And you're gonna tell Rand 474 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,586 you want him to move down here now? 475 00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:41,196 -Not quite ready for that yet, 476 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,590 but I am feeling good about finding a new place, 477 00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:46,636 and I may be willing to play the game a little bit. 478 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,857 -Perfect, because Sandy just got a big batch of leads in. 479 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,641 Now, I don't want to think that he's responsible 480 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,948 for these deaths, but I honestly don't know. 481 00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:56,255 He's an interesting guy. 482 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,169 -I think I'm gonna try it my way. 483 00:20:58,213 --> 00:21:01,216 I'm gonna bring muffins to the marriage license office. 484 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,305 Like with me and Rand, marriages often mean 485 00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:05,438 one person giving up their old apartment, 486 00:21:05,481 --> 00:21:07,657 and I'd rather capitalize on people's happiness 487 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:08,919 than their misfortune. 488 00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,443 -Leave it to you to take all the fun 489 00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:14,055 out of bending a corrupt system to your will. 490 00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:16,318 -Alright, but you gonna have to break the news to Sandy.