1 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:06,172 {\an8}♪ 2 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,134 Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock, 3 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:10,719 and you made it during Abby Hour. 4 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,179 All decisions half-price. 5 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,015 - Judge, are you limping? - A bit. 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,850 I got a little hit by a cab. 7 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:21,438 And somehow, the driver got angrier than I did. 8 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,565 So still getting the hang of New York, huh? 9 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,650 You know what they say-- You're not a real New Yorker 10 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:28,236 until you pay the guy who just ran you over $45 11 00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,447 to drive you to the hospital. 12 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,948 No, you're not a real New Yorker 13 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,367 until you buy a rattrap, a hammer, and an egg sandwich 14 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,078 from a bodega at 1:00 a.m. 15 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,372 First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz. 16 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,541 The defendant is charged with disorderly conduct 17 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,085 for bringing an uncontained animal onto the subway. 18 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:45,462 Your Honor, there's a very simple 19 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,922 and extremely legal explanation for this. 20 00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:49,841 It was a service animal. 21 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,468 It was a horse. 22 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:55,138 A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. 23 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,349 And according to New York vs. Pongo, 24 00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,934 mini-horses are allowed on public transit. 25 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,395 Obviously, I got to get a look at this guy. 26 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,397 [ Horse whinnies ] 27 00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:12,030 Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. 28 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,656 And that one is a "big." 29 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,784 [ Horse neighs ] 30 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,703 Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. 31 00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,247 I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore 32 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,832 have an existing relationship. 33 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,501 They share a daily commute-- 34 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:28,546 the 5:42 downtown six train at Hunter College Station. 35 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:31,424 Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here. 36 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,386 That the allegedly blind defendant just recognized me? 37 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:37,972 Oh, no, no, no. She didn't recognize you. 38 00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:40,517 The horse did. 39 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,268 That's my daily commute, too. 40 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,020 Olivia, we're subway buddies. 41 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,523 Really? Well, that's crazy. 42 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:48,149 Can't believe we haven't seen each other. 43 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:51,403 I've seen both of you-- a bunch of times. 44 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,279 Well, you're not helping. 45 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:56,574 You know what? We just plead guilty. 46 00:01:56,574 --> 00:01:57,992 How do you put up with her? 47 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,245 [ Horse grunts ] 48 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}♪ 49 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,886 {\an8}I just need a table for one. 50 00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,097 {\an8}Can't you squeeze me in this weekend? 51 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,474 {\an8}Oh, wait, wait. Did I say that my name is Dan Fielding? 52 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,976 {\an8}Uh, I meant, uh, it's 53 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:26,271 {\an8}[British accent] Dame Judi Dench. 54 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,817 {\an8}Can't get a table at a restaurant? 55 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,902 {\an8}Ah, it's not just any restaurant. 56 00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:35,030 {\an8}It's Chromosomme. 57 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:37,323 {\an8}Oh! I heard about that place. 58 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,617 {\an8}They use science to design your perfect meal 59 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:41,578 {\an8}based on a cheek swab, a hair sample, 60 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,164 {\an8}and a secret you swore to take to the grave. 61 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:47,250 {\an8}The only chance I have to get in there is during the week, 62 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,668 {\an8}but we're always leaving here late. 63 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,463 {\an8}I'm all in favor of Abby's empathetic justice, 64 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,340 {\an8}but not when it gets between me and a risotto 65 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:57,177 {\an8}that was genetically engineered for my tongue. 66 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,428 {\an8}Well, at least you're not gonna have her 67 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,846 {\an8}following you around on the subway, 68 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:03,308 {\an8}trying to make chitchat with her big hick energy. 69 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,018 {\an8}Yeah, the judge isn't good on the subway. 70 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,686 {\an8}I rode with her once. 71 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:10,523 {\an8}She held the pole and then touched her face so many times. 72 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:13,276 {\an8}There's my twin sixter. 73 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,528 {\an8}'Cause we both take the six train. 74 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,490 {\an8}- She gets it. - Yeah, we got it. 75 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,200 {\an8}And I watched you stand outside in the hall 76 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,951 {\an8}till you thought of it. 77 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,621 {\an8}I'm so excited to spend some more time together. 78 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:28,583 {\an8}You could show me the ropes. I'm still a "Newb Yorker." 79 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,168 {\an8}Okay, that one I can't take credit for. 80 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,379 {\an8}Someone screamed it in my face when I said "bless you" 81 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,881 {\an8}after they sneezed on me. 82 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,716 {\an8}I think I'm gonna have to take the earlier train. 83 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,051 {\an8}Yeah, sure. Or you know what? 84 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,552 {\an8}You could move to Denver. 85 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,930 {\an8}I bet you there are probably lawyers there, too. 86 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:48,019 [ PA beeps, indistinct announcement ] 87 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,150 Oh, sorry. 88 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,986 People are animals. 89 00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:58,863 Olivia! Hi. 90 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:02,450 Oh, good. You took the early train, too. 91 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,910 I was worried we'd miss each other 92 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,621 and our work and private lives would stay separate. 93 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,415 Well, apparently, my lease says my super 94 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,417 gets to shower in my apartment on Tuesday nights, 95 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,669 so I like to give him his space. 96 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:17,424 [ Laughs ] Classic. 97 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,510 - So, are you, um-- - We probably shouldn't talk. 98 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,429 There's a serial killer in the city 99 00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,305 who targets women who are friends. 100 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,598 No, they caught that guy. 101 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:28,685 I know 'cause he's my brother. 102 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,562 Oh. I like your earrings. 103 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:33,356 Keep it in your pants, perv. 104 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:36,526 What are you doing? Don't talk to people. 105 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,278 Also, don't make eye contact. 106 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,779 Or offer anyone candy. 107 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:43,033 - Even on Halloween? - You stay inside on Halloween! 108 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,576 I love this. 109 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:47,370 I'm getting an Olivia master class on New York City. 110 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,123 Promo code-- fuhgettaboutit. 111 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,543 - [ Brakes squeal ] - Oh! 112 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,837 We're having a minor technical issue. 113 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:58,715 Hang tight, everyone. [ Passengers groan ] 114 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:02,052 Well, that's bonus subway buddy time. 115 00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:07,390 So there's really no chance your brother's on this train? 116 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,106 Okay, I talked to the driver, 117 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,567 and there's no update on the maintenance issue. 118 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,903 Also no update on the air-conditioning. 119 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:22,781 Here's a list of other things there's no update on. 120 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,366 Here's an update-- You're not helpful, 121 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,159 and everyone can see your nipples. 122 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,789 Things are getting tense. 123 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,874 Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you? 124 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,043 You should know, I do not hold hands. 125 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,836 I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine. 126 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,005 Sure, we've been cut off from the societal norms 127 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,465 that maintain order, 128 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,509 but we're bonded together by something even stronger-- 129 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,718 innate human decency. 130 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,512 Stay back, you jackals. 131 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,472 It's my job to deliver this food, 132 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:48,973 and the restaurant's run by the mob. 133 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:52,018 There's nothing you can do to me that they won't do worse. 134 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:55,063 Okay, when the rats come for us-- and they will-- 135 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:58,858 I will sell out every last one of you. 136 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,695 I'm sure the decency will set in any minute now. 137 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,738 Nope. We're screwed. 138 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,240 Nothing's holding this together. 139 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,243 The norms are gone. It's subterranean law. 140 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,745 Give me your bag. 141 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,790 What? I can't make a shiv out of any of this! 142 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,086 Where's Olivia? 143 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,006 I don't have the time or energy to learn new names. 144 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:24,426 You understand what I mean, right, champ? 145 00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,969 The six train broke down. 146 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,471 So Abby and Olivia might not make it. 147 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,098 We had to find some people to fill in. 148 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,474 All rise. 149 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,768 Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session. 150 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:37,105 The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding. 151 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:40,817 Mmm-mmm-mmm! 152 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:44,279 That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm! 153 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,072 Is it just me or does this guy have a real, like, 154 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,198 substitute-teacher vibe? 155 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:51,286 Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow. 156 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:56,291 So I'm gonna be making the gavel sound with my mouth. 157 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:59,294 You know, if we work together, we might be able to get, uh, 158 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:02,464 old Judge Chicken Noodle there to do whatever we want. 159 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,508 I may make it out in time to go to Chromosomme after all. 160 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,135 And I can go to the strip club at night, 161 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,137 when it's like a strip club in a movie. 162 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,181 Not during the day, when it's like a strip club 163 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,600 in a documentary. 164 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,810 Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here? 165 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,771 I need it to look up case files. 166 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:21,816 Also, does anyone have a Netflix password I can borrow? 167 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,944 Also for case stuff. 168 00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:27,489 Or we may not have to do anything at all. 169 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:31,493 I better call Russ and tell him to get the champagne room ready. 170 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,661 You see Russ, tell him I said hi. 171 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,916 You do know I'm going to a male strip club, right? 172 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,043 Yeah, I had a job before this. 173 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,757 Maybe you need something else to focus on. 174 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,009 I have this great game called "Crab Attack." 175 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,095 Oh, right, my phone's been locked with ransomware 176 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,806 ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack." 177 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,224 Don't act like you're the calm one. 178 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,851 I'm the calm one. I'm in control. 179 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,895 Unless control is an illusion. 180 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,189 I mean, I can't control the subway breaking down 181 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:02,857 or that the universe is constantly expanding 182 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,068 and I still can't afford a one-bedroom in it! 183 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,778 Hey! What do you think you're doing? 184 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,446 - That was my seat. - Your seat? 185 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:11,366 I didn't realize I was on the train with Princess Von Bench. 186 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,703 Whoa! Let's just not forget our innate human decency. 187 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,995 Abby, stay out of this. 188 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,455 Well, someone's got to do something. 189 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,541 - This place is coming apart. - This is not court. 190 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,043 They don't have to listen to you. 191 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,545 You're right. 192 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,213 It's not court. 193 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,716 But it could be. We should have a trial. 194 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,592 I mean, this is just a simple dispute. 195 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,219 We can figure this out together. 196 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,388 It'll give us something else to think about. 197 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,140 You know, I'm actually a judge. 198 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:38,059 Does anyone else have any legal experience? 199 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,061 I played a dead body on "Law & Order." 200 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:43,523 We've all played a dead body on "Law & Order." 201 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,109 You know, "Law & Order" is the longest-running show 202 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,611 with an ampersand in the title. 203 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,530 Okay, okay. You like saying things. 204 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,865 You can be the clerk. 205 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,324 And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes 206 00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,994 from the way you're guarding that pizza. 207 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,538 Olivia, would you like to be the counsel? 208 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,915 You could think of it as work. 209 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,835 Work is good. I can control work. 210 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,086 Yeah, and you could go up against 211 00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,297 the greatest opponent of all. 212 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,590 The sun? 213 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,300 No. Yourself. 214 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,010 You could play both sides. 215 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,096 I'm in. 216 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,890 [ High-pitched voice ] And so am I. 217 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,892 [ Normal voice ] You know I'm not gonna do a voice. 218 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,521 Oh, yes! I got a reservation! 219 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,065 I've only got one case left. 220 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,524 I can get there early and laugh at people 221 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,985 who tested positive for salads. 222 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,280 You'll never guess who's in the courthouse. 223 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,450 Olympic figure skaters turned commentators 224 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,369 turned maybe murderers. 225 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,453 I don't know why they here. 226 00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:40,830 Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski. 227 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,332 They're witnesses in the last case. 228 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:45,960 Apparently, a figure skater hot-wired a Zamboni 229 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,047 and tried to smush his competition. 230 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,632 Abby would have loved meeting those two. 231 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,384 She's a huge figure-skating fan. 232 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:55,303 Oh! Maybe we can stall until she gets here. 233 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,597 Stall? Are you crazy? I've got a dinner reservation. 234 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,641 So your fancy dinner is more important than your friend? 235 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,059 This is not just a dinner. 236 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,394 This is a meal that Scientific American 237 00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:05,897 called a "heinous waste of stem cells." 238 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:08,983 Fine. I don't need you. 239 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,777 I can slow this court down on my own. 240 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,153 Careful, Gurgs, you're messing with powers 241 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,738 that you couldn't possibly understand. 242 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,033 I have no idea what that means, but I'll figure it out. 243 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,660 So we doing this case or not? 244 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,245 - Not if I can help it. - Absolutely. 245 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,330 Don't make me choose a side. You're both my friends. 246 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,749 - Not if I can help it. - Absolutely. 247 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:30,839 Are we ready to begin? 248 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,257 Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are, 249 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:35,343 and there's nothing anybody can do to stop us. 250 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,388 Uh-oh. This says my wife called. 251 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,390 And it's an emergency. 252 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,809 Well, it always is with that one. 253 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,896 Anyway, let's start. 254 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,065 Bang, bang! 255 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,859 So that's your great stalling move, Gurgs? 256 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,236 You know, I expected more from you. 257 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,113 What can I say, Dan? I'm all out of moves. 258 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,824 Okay, Clerk, call the last case. 259 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,910 - Where's the clerk? - Well, look at that. 260 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,038 I had more moves. 261 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,330 We don't need Neil. 262 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,583 He's just a sentient clipboard anyway. 263 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,876 I can call the case. 264 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,419 I wish that were true, Your Honor, 265 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,629 but it's like the regular judge says, 266 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,924 "You can't work without a clerk." 267 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,926 Well, that does rhyme. 268 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,721 You might as well get comfortable, Dan. 269 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,306 You're gonna be here a while, 270 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:24,642 because I can assure you there's no way you're finding Neil. 271 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:27,270 Hello, Neil. [ Chuckles ] 272 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,147 Hiding a clerk in women's holding-- 273 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,858 the oldest trick in the book. 274 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,068 Don't call me Neil. 275 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:35,111 Linda says my name is Sweets now. 276 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:38,448 This man bothering you, Sweets? 277 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,826 Would you please open this door, let him out? 278 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:46,790 Come on, Sweets. 279 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,250 I can't. My legs are asleep. 280 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,711 Man, this meal better be worth it. 281 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,463 Get up, get up, get up. 282 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798 What-- Hey! 283 00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:55,840 I'm sorry. 284 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,175 Gurgs said if I didn't help her, 285 00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,677 she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up. 286 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:02,681 Well, that's more of a threat to us than to you. 287 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,349 Well, well, well. 288 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:08,478 Looks like the Penn has become the Teller. 289 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:09,604 You have gone too far. 290 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,649 You can't lock me in here with Neil and... 291 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,068 these charming ladies. 292 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,446 Looks like it's Linda's lucky day. 293 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:22,575 Sweets and Sour. 294 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,412 - Uh, uh... - [ Laughs ] 295 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,248 Six Train Downtown Local is now in session. 296 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,834 The honorable judge This Lady presiding. 297 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:34,295 Alright, let's "baguette" it on. 298 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,590 Your Honor, the defendant brazenly stole this woman's seat 299 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,842 when she stood to stretch. 300 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,593 And we all know the rule-- 301 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,264 If the butt's still near, I'm a-sittin' here. 302 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:47,517 Don't be fooled by the prosecution's big-city rhymes. 303 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:51,312 Yeah, I'll give it to her, she is gorgeous and well-dressed. 304 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,440 But the facts are on my side. 305 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,108 I recall at the time of the event, 306 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,068 I had a clear view of the butt and the seat, 307 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,611 and there was separation. 308 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,697 But surely some amount of separation is acceptable. 309 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,992 Maybe some separation, but it's six inches, tops. 310 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:06,036 Ma'am, I'm gonna need to commandeer your sandwich 311 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:08,038 in the name of justice. 312 00:13:08,038 --> 00:13:09,831 [ Tone plays ] 313 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,958 It's more than six inches. 314 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,545 Objection! The sandwich has a bite out of it. 315 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,380 I'll allow it. 316 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,841 - [ Tone plays ] - Look, I'm not unreasonable. 317 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,177 I'd give up my seat to an old lady or someone pregnant. 318 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,553 Interesting you'd say that. 319 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,389 What if I told you Rita is pregnant? 320 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:27,557 [ All gasp ] 321 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,602 That's right. I do have sex. 322 00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:31,978 Let me ask you, 323 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,521 - what's the due date? - They're always wrong. 324 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,939 - Gender? - It's a post-gender society. 325 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,066 What'd you have for lunch today? 326 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:37,067 - Sushi and bologna. - Gross! 327 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,568 But also, gotcha. 328 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,528 Pregnant women can't eat either of those things. 329 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,072 [ All gasp ] 330 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:44,908 Fine. I don't actually have sex. 331 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,868 Happy now? [ Tone plays ] 332 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,371 The jury has returned the verdict. 333 00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:52,082 And they have decided that the pregnant one 334 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:55,210 and nipples should kiss. 335 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,836 You know what? I'll just rule. 336 00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,840 On the charge of subway seat theft, I find the defendant-- 337 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,801 [ All gasp ] 338 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,302 [ Cheers and applause ] 339 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:07,472 No. Stop the train! Stop the-- 340 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,599 We haven't heard which one of me won! 341 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,186 You're in luck, Judge. 342 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,147 This court has the largest active VHS collection 343 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,233 in the continental United States. 344 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:21,361 And once Alaska falls, we'll stand alone. 345 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,239 Oh, there are some good flicks in here. 346 00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740 Now, where's the remote? 347 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,368 'Cause I like to fast-forward through the scary parts. 348 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,579 - Looking for this? - How did you get out? 349 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:35,333 I jimmied the lock with the underwire from Linda's bra. 350 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,627 Well, I anticipated your escape, 351 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,879 and that's why I scheduled a tornado drill 352 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,631 to start in 3, 2-- 353 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,425 One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs, 354 00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:46,511 is I have powerful friends in the Tornado Marshal's office, 355 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,723 and I rescheduled that drill till your birthday, 356 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,142 just as they wheel out the cake. 357 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,768 Something you overlooked is, last year, 358 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:55,979 I wished for no tornado drills on my birthday. 359 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,481 But now you said the wish out loud. 360 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,775 You monster. 361 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,361 I'll give it to you, Gurgs. You know how this place works. 362 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,989 But nobody knows it better than me. 363 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:09,409 Then you know there's a water main behind that wall, 364 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,121 and if it were to somehow break, 365 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:16,332 the cleanup would be quite time-consuming. 366 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,667 Where's the remote? 367 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,669 This is one of those scary parts. 368 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,421 Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you, 369 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,674 because unlike the wife of the man who built this place, 370 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:29,429 you love this building too much to put an ax in its chest. 371 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:34,184 You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner. 372 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,436 I hope your scallops are saltier than Abby's tears 373 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,562 when she hears she missed a chance 374 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,397 at meeting ice-skating royalty. 375 00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:41,399 There won't be any scallops. 376 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,693 I already know that my personalized menu 377 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:47,739 will rely heavily on an endangered species. 378 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:53,620 It's always been a dream of mine to eat the last of something. 379 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,755 Hi. Dan Fielding. 380 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:06,174 I just want to say that I have a great deal of respect 381 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,801 for Olympics athletes. 382 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:12,097 Your ability to work only once every four years-- incredible. 383 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:15,100 Now, this is a man with presence. 384 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,727 It's like a daring mix of stateliness 385 00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,104 and "I couldn't care less" energy 386 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:22,315 that is just so exciting to watch. 387 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,068 Well, he's known as the bad boy of the courtroom 388 00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,444 - for a reason, T. - Mm-hmm. 389 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:29,948 The passion, the fire, the pageantry. 390 00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:33,284 - You know, we live for pageantry. - For pageantry. 391 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,953 Wow. Wonderful. 392 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:37,789 So may I ask what you two were talking to our bailiff about? 393 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,541 She asked us to stick around for her friend, 394 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,418 but, I mean, if we stayed every time a bailiff 395 00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:43,003 asked us to meet someone, 396 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,463 we'd never have time to form this remarkable friendship. 397 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:47,799 Also, full disclosure, we have an early breakfast 398 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,426 with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor. 399 00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:52,095 [ Gasps ] Have I said too much? 400 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,346 Ah, don't-- No, don't worry. 401 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:54,597 We'll get you out of here so fast 402 00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:56,016 that you'll be accused of cheating. 403 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:59,102 You know what I mean? Okay. 404 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:03,815 Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry that Abby is gonna not be here. 405 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,984 But, you know, meeting your heroes isn't always great. 406 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:09,654 When I was 10, I met my favorite astronaut, 407 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,115 and she screamed and bit my hand. 408 00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:17,662 But in the commander's defense, she was a squirrel monkey. 409 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:20,248 I get that meeting a celebrity might not be a big deal 410 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:25,003 for someone who's met some of our nation's greatest monkeys. 411 00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,671 But it's hard being new in town. 412 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:29,007 Your whole life, you hear about how magical New York is, 413 00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:34,346 and when you get here, it's just scaffolding and weird puddles. 414 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:36,014 And when something magical finally does happen, 415 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:39,184 like Macho Man Randy Savage coming to your courtroom, 416 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:41,644 well, you miss it 'cause it's the one day you took off work 417 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,480 and no one even bothers to page you. 418 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,607 Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage? 419 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,485 [ As Randy Savage ] Oh, yeah! 420 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,528 [ Normal voice ] I-I just wanted to look out for Abby 421 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:52,530 the way I wish someone had looked out for me. 422 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,867 Last case-- People vs. Shawn Pierce. 423 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:59,537 I see here the defendant is pleading no contest 424 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,289 to misdemeanor assault. 425 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,916 Based on the witness statements 426 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:06,961 provided by national treasures Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir-- 427 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:11,758 hey!-- I will let the defendant off with a $100 fine. 428 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,426 - Case dis-- - Your Honor, the defense 429 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,512 would like to call a time-out. 430 00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:19,057 But I was about to make my gavel noise. 431 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:23,061 Whoa. Dan Fielding making a bold and daring move. 432 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:24,729 No one was expecting this. 433 00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:28,900 Let's listen in. Will he stick this landing? 434 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:32,404 We're gonna be amending our plea to not guilty 435 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:34,739 and calling a bunch of witnesses, 436 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:39,327 so if anybody has a pre-paid and pre-tipped dinner reservation, 437 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:43,248 well, they can kiss that goodbye. 438 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:46,251 So for our first witness, we'd like to call 439 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,753 man sucking milk out of the bag. 440 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,510 For your first time getting stuck on a subway, 441 00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,429 you handled it pretty well. 442 00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:58,847 Honestly, it wasn't that different 443 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,724 from when I was trapped in a corn maze. 444 00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:03,476 That scarecrow and I had some good times. 445 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,229 Though I think, on some level, 446 00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:07,856 we both knew what we had was fleeting, 447 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:11,026 and that's what made it so special. 448 00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:14,446 Well, you definitely kept it from getting ugly in there. 449 00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:15,655 So you think this gets me closer 450 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,115 to being a real New Yorker? 451 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:18,908 Eh, who knows what a real New Yorker even is? 452 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,785 All I know is, this is a city of weirdos, 453 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,787 and your relentless positivity 454 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,956 makes you one of the weirdest people I ever met. 455 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,791 Olivia, thank you. 456 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836 You're gonna be just fine. 457 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,629 Fine enough to be your subway buddy? 458 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,965 No. 459 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,051 You don't know the defendant at all, 460 00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:39,721 but your parents named you Stefanie with an "F." 461 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,973 Why don't you take us all down that road for a second. 462 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,850 I've heard enough. Defense rests. 463 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,810 Hold on. I have a question. 464 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:48,438 Johnny, Tara, do you think it's too late for me 465 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,023 to learn how to skate? 466 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,360 Abby, look who's here. 467 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,154 - Abby Stone? - Tara, Johnny, hi! 468 00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,530 Flawless entrance. 469 00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,451 Nobody walks into a room better than Abby Stone. 470 00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,161 Wait a minute. You know each other? 471 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,622 Of course. I see them every year at Freezing Man. 472 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:07,540 It's like Burning Man but for winter sports, 473 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:11,086 and instead of drugs, we're high on ice pageantry. 474 00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:12,337 So hold on a second. 475 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:13,797 You made me miss the meal of a lifetime 476 00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:16,758 so that Abby could meet people she's already met? 477 00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:19,386 For a conversation I overheard her having with someone else, 478 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,762 I got pretty close. 479 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,306 - [ Cellphone chimes ] - Oh, we've got to go. 480 00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,809 Some idiot gave up their reservation at Chromosomme. 481 00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:28,103 Ooh! Would you like to join us for dinner, Your Honor? 482 00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:29,688 Oh, hell yeah! 483 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:31,898 Bang, bang! Court is adjourned. 484 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,359 Here. You can have my chicken noodle. 485 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,778 Let's go, let's go. Excuse me. 486 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,115 I'm sorry you missed your special dinner. 487 00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:45,120 But as a friend, I think I know you better than science, so-- 488 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,122 Gurgs, hog's head cheese, 489 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:50,000 stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards. 490 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,084 Oh! 491 00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:54,713 It's a feast fit for a king. 492 00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:56,715 These are all the weird swamp delicacies 493 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,216 you grew up on in Louisiana. 494 00:20:58,216 --> 00:20:59,926 You know what? I'd call your description rude, 495 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,469 {\an8}but my favorite restaurant growing up 496 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:04,180 {\an8}was called Swamp Delicacies. 497 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,141 {\an8}Oh. It was very fancy. 498 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:10,228 {\an8}You could pick your own live gator from a tank. 499 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:12,647 {\an8}Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thank you so much 500 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:13,857 {\an8}for stalling court for me. 501 00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:16,234 {\an8}It was-- Yo, are those gizzards? 502 00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:17,277 {\an8}- Yes! - Let me in there! 503 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:18,445 {\an8}Come on, sit down. 504 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:21,406 {\an8}Feet for everybody. Ha-ha! 505 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:23,366 {\an8}- Come on. - Mnh-mnh. 506 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,076 {\an8}I ain't-- Ugh! 507 00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,996 {\an8}- City folk. - City folk.