1 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,215 ** 2 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,759 -Next up, the People v. John Gorman. 3 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,886 -Mr. Gorman is charged with larceny theft 4 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:13,304 for a purse snatching. 5 00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:16,099 -Uh, Your Honor, this alleged crime is so quaint, 6 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,642 it's actually charming. 7 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,686 It's an homage to a simpler time, 8 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:22,856 when people had the decency to rob you to your face, 9 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:26,359 when a street urchin could pick your pocket and warm your heart, 10 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,403 often within the same song. 11 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,865 -Objection. Hot nonsense. 12 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,116 -Sustained. 13 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:35,368 -The State has a witness, Your Honor. 14 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,204 -Would you mind describing what you saw, please? 15 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,290 -It's a crisp autumn day. 16 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:43,043 A blur of a man races by a street vendor 17 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,711 selling daffodils. 18 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:47,881 Behind me, a cry rings out -- "My bag! 19 00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:50,342 He stole my bag!" 20 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:52,886 The city feels nothing. 21 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:56,890 -Would the counsel please approach the bench? 22 00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:00,393 -Permission to treat the witness like a nut bar? 23 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,228 -Don't you know who that is? -Mm? 24 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,230 -That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano. 25 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,940 She hosts this podcast that I love, 26 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,776 "The Social Archaeologist." 27 00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:09,152 -I'm not a fan of podcasts. 28 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,487 I'm an audiobook gal. 29 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:12,238 I'm in the middle of Matthew McConaughey's. 30 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,740 Tomorrow, I'm gonna hit you with an -- 31 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,993 [ As McConaughey ] "All rise, all rise, all rise." 32 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,703 -This one focuses on everyday people 33 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,289 and digs deep into what makes them inspirational. 34 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,499 I'm almost positive it's her. 35 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,167 There's only one way to find out. 36 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,419 Would the witness please say the phrase, 37 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,755 "Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday"? 38 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,800 -Here is your Wisdom-Out Wednesday. 39 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,385 -Oh-ho! It isher! 40 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,137 I finally got to see her mouth move while she says it. 41 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:39,599 -Now that we've achieved all our dreams, only death awaits. 42 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:41,851 -Wait, where's the defendant? 43 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:43,228 -And where's my purse? 44 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,146 Oh, did anyone see what happened? 45 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,774 -There was an echo of worn soles 46 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,484 on cracked linoleum, 47 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:53,321 and then a flash of fake Hermès orange. 48 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,866 -And for no reason at all, shade was thrown. 49 00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:05,917 ** 50 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:13,425 ** 51 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,260 -And speak your truth 52 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,803 after the beep. 53 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,513 -Oh! That was amazing. 54 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,473 Now I'm even more excited for my dental appointment 55 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,559 to get confirmed tomorrow. 56 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,562 But actually, there is another reason I asked you to stay. 57 00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:28,815 The truth is, I do have an idea for your podcast. 58 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:33,486 It's about this court and our empathetic approach to justice. 59 00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,655 And look who happens to be here. 60 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,533 The dedicated heroes who make it happen. 61 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:42,662 -When I'm being ambushed, I expect pastries. 62 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,665 -Well, as an archaeologist, I always have my fossil brush 63 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,418 and my pickaxe, so I might as well stick around 64 00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,253 and see what's under this pile of dirt. 65 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,504 -Hear that, guys? 66 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,757 We're gonna get brushed and picked. 67 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,175 -Hi. I'm Neil. 68 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,427 You know, I've thought about doing a podcast myself. 69 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,637 It's called "The Neil World," 70 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:03,350 where I stop being polite and start being Neil. 71 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,436 -And what precisely is "being Neil"? 72 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,480 -It's being polite and constantly asking me 73 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:11,399 if he should get an earring. 74 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,485 -Olivia Moore, assistant district attorney. 75 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:14,861 You know, I think having me 76 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,113 on your podcast could build both our brands. 77 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,406 -Is that right? -Mm-hmm. 78 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,033 From the time I was a little girl, 79 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,451 I knew that a career in law 80 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:24,537 would fit me like a pair of MeUndies. 81 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,122 They sure changed my life. 82 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:29,376 Thanks, MeUndies. 83 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:30,794 -So, there's that. 84 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,588 Um, and then someone who would offer you 85 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,715 a shorter introduction. 86 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:36,841 Dan Fielding. 87 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,176 -No. -Ha-ha! 88 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,803 That's my guy. 89 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,639 Dan actually used to be the prosecutor at this very court, 90 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:43,932 and then he came out of retirement 91 00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,392 to be our public defender. 92 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:48,478 -Now, there's a journey I'd like to excavate. 93 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,771 -That's her tagline. 94 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,399 Hear that, Dan? You're tagline-worthy. 95 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,109 -She want to dig a hole in a journey? 96 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,319 The hell sense that make? 97 00:03:56,361 --> 00:04:00,532 -No offense, but podcasts for me fall under the same category 98 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,618 as energy drinks, reality TV, 99 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,956 and something called "Guy Fieri." 100 00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,749 Why? 101 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,668 -Some people just don't like the idea 102 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,753 of spending two uninterrupted hours 103 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,507 talking about themselves to an audience of millions. 104 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,760 -Well, don't lump me in with those idiots. 105 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:23,054 I'd be happy to offer my services. 106 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,431 -Oh. Right. 107 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:26,599 So, you'd just use Dan as, like, an appetizer 108 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,518 to get into the bigger night court story? 109 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,437 -Abby, the lady just ordered steak. 110 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:33,523 Don't try to sell her a used Datsun. 111 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,275 -So, we're all just mixing metaphors now? 112 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,485 I mean, what are we even doing here? 113 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:44,993 -Is Dan Fielding's rise from humble beginnings 114 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,663 to the top of the bottom of the judicial system 115 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:51,458 one of our generation's most remarkable feats? 116 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:54,336 It is not for me to say. 117 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,963 But it is my pleasure to repeat. 118 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,966 -Perhaps we should just focus on your transition 119 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,176 to public defender. 120 00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:02,385 -We'll get to that. 121 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:05,221 It was William Jennings Bryan 122 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,433 who said that service is a measure of a man's greatness. 123 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:11,561 I think that a man's greatness is decided 124 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,438 by how many awards he gets. 125 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,234 And mine range from runner-up in the city council election 126 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,153 all the way back to my eighth grade 127 00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,072 state spelling bee championship 128 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,407 honorable mention. 129 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,202 -Actually, uh, can we talk about that? 130 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:28,411 -Yes, yes. 131 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,081 And therein began a lifelong disdain 132 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,457 for the silent "G." 133 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:33,833 -No, no, no, no. 134 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,252 Uh, I'm talking about your run for city council. 135 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:40,173 Now, according to my research, you ran as an independent, 136 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,217 and your opponent was a "D"? 137 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:43,426 For Democrat? 138 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,469 -D... 139 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,805 ceased. 140 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:50,517 Yes, I lost to a dead man. [ Chuckles ] 141 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,520 But I was the highest living vote-getter, 142 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,855 and I seriously believe I would have won 143 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:59,734 had I handed out 20s instead of 10s. 144 00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,404 -You were trying to buy people's votes? 145 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,572 -You have to really understand the time. 146 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,157 It was New York in the '80s. 147 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,119 It was very, very difficult to get people out to vote. 148 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,206 There were -- There were other things to do. 149 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,166 Like cocaine. 150 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,213 And Pac-Man had just come out, 151 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:25,427 and that was the perfect surface to do cocaine off of. 152 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,221 -Still, sounds to me like a crime. 153 00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:29,431 -Yeah, no, no. 154 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,017 You have to understand the context. 155 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:35,103 -I'm listening. 156 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,312 -[ Clears throat ] 157 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,522 Oh, no. [ Coughs ] 158 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,483 Did I swallow a "g-nat"? 159 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,194 Oh, also, did I -- I'm not Dan! 160 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,404 No, no, no. 161 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,072 I'm his -- I'm his brother, August. 162 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,949 I'll go get him. I'll just go get him. 163 00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,576 Stay right there. Keep rolling. 164 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:51,453 It's okay. 165 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:58,877 ** 166 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,253 -Oh, Dan, good. 167 00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,796 I need your opinion on something. 168 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,048 I've been listening to my voice, 169 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,841 and is this really what I sound like? 170 00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,509 -[ High pitched ] Four score and seven years ago, 171 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,928 our forefathers brought forth on this continent -- 172 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,097 -Right, I think you're playing it at double the -- 173 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,142 No, that's exactly what you sound like in my head. 174 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,685 Why are you listening to yourself? 175 00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,062 -Well, after your interview, 176 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,646 Remecca reached out to me to do one. 177 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,857 I'm so excited. 178 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,150 -No, no. Listen to me. 179 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,443 You can't do the interview. 180 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,028 As a matter of fact, you have to bar 181 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,905 that podcast crew from the courthouse. 182 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,239 -Why would I do that? 183 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,742 -When I was listing my many accomplishments, 184 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:36,122 I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. 185 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:39,292 I started talking about cocaine a lot. 186 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,211 Now Remecca's out to take me down. 187 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,796 -Maybe if you talked about the court 188 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:45,131 instead of being so selfish, you wouldn't be in trouble. 189 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,883 But you need the whole world to know 190 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,927 about that spelling bee, don't you? 191 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,845 -It's an origin story. 192 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,222 -Well, I'm gonna go in there 193 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,890 and talk about the work we're doing here, 194 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:57,102 and maybe it will inspire other courts to follow our example. 195 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,854 I'm not gonna lose that chance just because you biffed it. 196 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,773 -I'm telling you, it's a trap. 197 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,568 She tricked me-- Dan. 198 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,821 Dan! 199 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,740 -You're not gonna change my mind. 200 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,158 -Yeah, alright, fine, fine, yeah. 201 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,827 But when it doesn't work, just be ready to hear 202 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,246 the five words that everyone dreads -- 203 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,497 "I told you so." 204 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,083 -That's four words. -Well, I'm counting 205 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,669 the raucous laughter before I say it 206 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,379 as a word. 207 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,798 Matter of fact, I'm gonna start practicing it now. 208 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,800 Ha! 209 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,636 Ha-wah-hah! 210 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,846 I... 211 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,098 No, wait. Hee-hee! 212 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,393 -I cracked the case, and now I'll crack 213 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,020 the most up-to-date point spreads, 214 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,438 with Offshore Bet Boys. 215 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,482 It's not gambling when they're stone-cold locks. 216 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,696 -I've never seen someone so thirsty to get on a podcast. 217 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,490 And I have several friends whose spouses went missing 218 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,826 after joining a cult. 219 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,037 -It's all part of my media strategy. 220 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,205 First step, podcasts. 221 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,000 Second step, TikTok legal influencer. 222 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,669 Third step, Whoopi yells at the wrong Uber driver, 223 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:08,381 and bingo, mama's batting cleanup on "The View." 224 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,800 But I can't get Remecca to even look at me. 225 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,135 I feel like Neil. -Hey! 226 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,971 -Whoa! -Don't sneak up on people! 227 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,057 -I've been trying to get Remecca's attention, too. 228 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,976 The problem is she is all-in on Dan. 229 00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,686 -Don't take this the wrong way, 230 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,229 but you all are boring. 231 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,315 You need to sell the drama. 232 00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:27,025 May I suggest... 233 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,361 a forbidden office romance? 234 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,570 -With me and him? 235 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,280 [ Laughs ] No. 236 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:36,743 -Look, podcasts are for lonely people who don't like music. 237 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,162 But you know what lonely people dolike? 238 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,164 -I feel like I should know this. 239 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,792 -Murder and romance, and since you've made it clear 240 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,211 on multiple occasions that you're a stick in the mud 241 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:50,006 when it comes to murder, I'd go with... 242 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:52,550 secret work love! 243 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,927 -Did you see that? 244 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,470 That's the first time she's looked at me. 245 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,889 That's it. Neil, we're in a relationship. 246 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,265 "Pretty Woman" rules. 247 00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,142 No kissing, and it'll be mostly me hanging out 248 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,144 with Hector Elizondo. 249 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:09,901 -That is very funny. I am laughing. 250 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,654 I am laughing. 251 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,365 And please, let Donatello know that I will be bringing 252 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,410 the haricots verts to Sunday's dish-to-pass. 253 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,452 -Ah! 254 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,371 You're from Skaneateles, aren't you? 255 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:22,956 -How did you -- -That's where I'm from. 256 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,874 It's the only place I've ever heard it called 257 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,209 a "dish-to-pass." 258 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,045 Everywhere else, they call it a potluck. 259 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,172 I mean, like a damn leprechaun 260 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:33,383 supremed all those oranges for that citrus salad? 261 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:36,136 [ Scoffs ] "Luck," my butt. 262 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,555 -So, shall we start? -Sure, sure. 263 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:39,806 Hi. I'm Abby. 264 00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,474 Would you like to take a seat? -No, no, no, no. 265 00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,643 Just pretend like he's not even there. 266 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:47,063 This is just a conversation. 267 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,899 Why don't we begin with, how have you found 268 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,735 working with Dan Fielding? 269 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,487 -I have no regrets about bringing Dan to this court. 270 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:57,073 My father always said there was no one he respected more, 271 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,783 and you know, I feel like we're missing 272 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,411 a bigger story here -- -So, y-you found Mr. Fielding 273 00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,788 through a good ol' boy network? 274 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,331 -There's more to it than that. 275 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,334 -Because it sounds like you manipulated the system 276 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,753 to help out one of your father's old buddies. 277 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:10,920 -[ Chuckles nervously ] 278 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:14,007 Are these chairs getting smaller? 279 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,176 It is hot out in here. 280 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,013 Gah! 281 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:29,064 ** 282 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,607 -What's this? -It's everything you need 283 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,776 to know about our fake relationship. 284 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,402 What? If we're gonna make this work, 285 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,322 we need to make it seem as real as possible. 286 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,699 -Good thinking, babe. 287 00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,534 -You will immediately see on page one that 288 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:42,911 we are not a "babe" couple. 289 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:46,122 You'll find approved nicknames on page three. 290 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,583 -These are just ournames. 291 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:51,586 -Yeah. I came up with those. 292 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,464 Feel free to add whatever your last name is. 293 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,761 -Alright, well, there's a lot in here covering 294 00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:03,598 how I'm supposed to feel about everyone on "Vanderpump Rules," 295 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,558 but nothing about where we are emotionally. 296 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,060 Like, how serious are we? 297 00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:09,270 Where is this relationship going? 298 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,523 -Where is this coming from? 299 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,775 -Well, if I'm gonna be your fake boyfriend -- 300 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,569 -Boyfriend? Whoa! Okay. [ Chuckles ] 301 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,655 Save those labels for the runway, mister. 302 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,864 Ha! 303 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,784 Next, you're gonna tell me you're pregnant. 304 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:25,495 Guess what? You are raising that baby alone. 305 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,208 -Dan, I messed up. I messed up bad. 306 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,960 The interview backfired. 307 00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,461 I sorta let it slip 308 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,297 that I may have shortcut a few rules when I hired you, 309 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,008 and now Remecca wants to take me down, too. 310 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,342 -[ Sighs ] -What happened? 311 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,635 You mess things up with the podcast lady? 312 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,345 -Yeah. -How bad is it? 313 00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:44,723 -Well, I pulled out an, "It was a different time." 314 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,599 -Okay. 315 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,728 So, we're in some trouble. -Why is that bad? 316 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,522 -Three phrases you don't use in problematic situations -- 317 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,107 "It was a different time." 318 00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,650 -"I meant it as a joke". 319 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,153 -And "I know it's not okay to say, but..." 320 00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,988 Just don't say it! 321 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:03,700 I can't believe they don't teach that in white people school. 322 00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:06,161 -To be fair, there's not really an official white -- 323 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,829 -Dartmouth. 324 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,375 -Okay, look, I'm just gonna talk to Remecca. 325 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,877 I mean, I'm sure if I just sit down with her, 326 00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,004 one Skaneatelan to another, we can sort this out. 327 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:18,340 I mean, we grew up playing in the same parks. 328 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,674 I'm sure she even has a theory 329 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,843 on what happened to Billy Muggins. 330 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,765 -You know, maybe Abby canconvince her. 331 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,516 -Yeah, no, no. I got a better idea. 332 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,935 -I got three better ideas. 333 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,438 -It can't involve wigs. 334 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,523 -Okay, we'll go with yours. 335 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,816 -Come on. 336 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,944 [ Door creaks ] 337 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,697 Wow. 338 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,033 Well, I just hope this thing is still down here. 339 00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:48,370 And listen, remember, Abby cannot know what we're doing. 340 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,538 She needs plausible deniability. 341 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,624 -I get it. Everybody needs a cover story. 342 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,251 That's why I keep a cardboard cutout of me waving 343 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,712 in that bowling alley bathroom. 344 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,381 "Where was Gurgs the night in question?" 345 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,967 "She was in that bowling alley bathroom being super friendly." 346 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,974 -Oh, you know what? I think... 347 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:13,687 Uh-huh. Yeah! 348 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,397 This is it! 349 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,565 -I don't get it. How is some old metal detector 350 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,567 gonna solve things with the podcast lady? 351 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,487 -This is not just some old metal detector. 352 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,615 We called it "Meg Ryan," 'cause prolonged exposure 353 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:28,576 was known to melt people's hearts. 354 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,912 More importantly for us, though, the magnets in this thing -- 355 00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,289 they'll fry any electrical equipment it comes near. 356 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,417 It'll just erase everything. 357 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,293 Brilliant, huh? 358 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,047 -This is where I keep my spare. 359 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,928 ** 360 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,848 -Alright, I am all set for my chat with Remecca. 361 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,684 I imported loganberry pop, some white hots, 362 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,437 all of the finest Skaneateles delicacies. 363 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,439 -White hot dogs? 364 00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:02,902 "Delicacy" may not be the right word. 365 00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:06,531 "Food" may not be the right word. 366 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,034 -What is that, and why is it making my teeth hurt? 367 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,119 -Oh, just some extra security. 368 00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:13,455 I know upstate you just throw some tacks on the floor, 369 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:17,584 but here in the big city, we wear shoes. 370 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,294 -Is that warning in Russian? 371 00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,546 -Oh, no -- -Nyet! 372 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:22,881 -I knew something was weird. 373 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,799 What is going on? -It was Dan's idea. 374 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:28,094 I was in the bowling alley bathroom. 375 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,680 -Alright, look, the only way to fix this is to get her 376 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,682 to walk through that machine 377 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,934 and erase everything that she has on us. 378 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,603 -There's no way that thing is safe. 379 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,979 -It is definitely safe. 380 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,982 And I remind you, I am not under oath. 381 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,317 -Why are you so annoyed? 382 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,985 All I asked is if you were mad at me. 383 00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,696 -Oh, you prob-- Mm. [ Machine whirs ] 384 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:49,324 -Neil, sometimes my mood has nothing to do with you. 385 00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:50,742 Oh, you were driving me so crazy, 386 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,702 I left my bag in the cafeteria. [ Machine whirs ] 387 00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:54,454 -Actually, I have your bag right here, 388 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,664 because Ithink about you. 389 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,792 [ Machine whirs ] -Oh, my hero. 390 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,669 I'd be so lost without you. 391 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,004 -Oh, there it is. Your sarcasm. 392 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,131 The third wheel in this relationship. 393 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,508 -Ha! Hate to break it to you, 394 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,635 but you're the third wheel, babe! 395 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,638 -Oh, so I guess we area "babe" couple. 396 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,181 [ Machine whirs ] -We are not a couple, Neil! 397 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:17,811 -For the love of God, don't stand right there! 398 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,020 -We are through. 399 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,271 I am done being fenced in 400 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,023 like your -- your love veal. 401 00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,733 I am free-range, buster! 402 00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,861 Why is my iced coffee so hot? 403 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,864 -Wait! [ Machine whirs ] 404 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,283 -What was that about? -I don't know. 405 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,535 But we have to keep them calm. 406 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,870 They're Hulks now. 407 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,664 -Wait. Whoa, no. Wait, where are you going? 408 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,541 You can't go. We need you as bait. 409 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,334 No, bait -- Wrong word. Bad word. 410 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,211 Not bait, but... 411 00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,963 No, bait's the right word. 412 00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,048 -I wanted to kill Remecca with kindness, 413 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,551 not Cold War radiation. 414 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,803 -My Uncle Ray-Ray was killed with kindness. 415 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,972 It's a rough way to go. 416 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:56,725 -What...? 417 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,059 -Oh, don't mind me. 418 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,603 Go back to your plan to stifle free speech. 419 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,397 A plan that would have worked better... 420 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,607 in a room with one door. 421 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,568 -Okay, Remecca, I know this looks bad. 422 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:10,530 Your podcast is about inspiring people, and if you tear us down, 423 00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,282 I really think you're gonna regret this. 424 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,701 -I regret nothing. 425 00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:17,245 -I'm sorry? -They don't call it pod-friends. 426 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,414 They call it pod-business. 427 00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,291 -Do they call it either? 428 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,127 -Hey, Remecca... 429 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:27,255 one very important thing you're missing for this episode. 430 00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:29,799 A tell-all interview. 431 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:33,762 I'll come clean about everything, under one condition. 432 00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,972 You leave Abby out of it. 433 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,600 -Andyou get us all giant mattresses 434 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,603 that somehow come in tiny boxes. 435 00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,066 -You have a deal. 436 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,233 And so do you. 437 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,486 But FYI, you can't put it back in the box 438 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,029 and watch it unfold again. 439 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:55,116 You can try, but it will only end in madness. 440 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,581 -Dan, I can't let you do that. 441 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:02,832 You would lose your job. 442 00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:04,584 -You know, when I made that offer, 443 00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:07,295 I-I didn't see a bright side. 444 00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,631 Thank you for finding it. 445 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,549 ** 446 00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:15,970 ** 447 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,889 -Hey, I've been texting you. 448 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,474 -Yeah, it's weird -- my phone isn't working. 449 00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:20,809 All my credit cards are erased, 450 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,144 and when I pick up spoons, they do this now. 451 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,942 -So, we don't really make the best fake couple, huh? 452 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,777 -Scary thing is, this was actually one of 453 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,113 my healthier relationships. 454 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,573 I might have some real commitment issues. 455 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,284 -You know, I have been watching the two of you, 456 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,371 and you're an absolute trainwreck. 457 00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,833 You would be perfect for my new dating podcast, 458 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,459 "Absolute Trainwreck." 459 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,003 -Actually, we're not -- 460 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:51,923 -Gonna pass up on an opportunity like this, right, babe? 461 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,134 -But there's one condition. 462 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,052 You can't run that story on Dan. 463 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,137 -No. 464 00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,638 -Eh, guess we're not all gonna be heroes. 465 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,098 [ Laughs ] 466 00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:06,187 -Well, I guess that episode of the podcast will be on soon. 467 00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:09,816 The end of the illustrious career of Dan Fielding. 468 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,317 -We still have time to fix this. 469 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:15,155 We just have to break the Internet, in one minute. 470 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,866 Does this muffin look anything like Jesus? 471 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,493 -Remecca was canceled! 472 00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:21,828 She lost all her sponsors, 473 00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,329 and her platforms dropped the podcast. 474 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:26,041 -What? What happened? -Someone excavated her 475 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:29,169 and found out she used to be a crazy sketchy shock jock 476 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:32,255 on a radio station upstate. 477 00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,091 -This is Becky Molson for Reject Radio, 478 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,011 and I regret nothing. 479 00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,013 It's Whirl 'Em Out Wednesday, boys, 480 00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:44,225 so unwrap your package and whirl those balls! 481 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,228 [ Fart noise] Ooh! 482 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,689 That's one for the Stank Bank. 483 00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:50,982 [ Guitar riff] 484 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,862 -You forget how much culture there is outside of the cities. 485 00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,158 -I guess it got out. -You knew? 486 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,078 -When Remecca said, "I regret nothing," 487 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,372 I thought it sounded familiar, so I did some digging, 488 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:08,625 and turns out, she also has a past that she's not proud of. 489 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,753 I thought I could use it to convince her to go easy on Dan, 490 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,838 but she laughed me out of the room. 491 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,425 -Well, someone must have leaked it. 492 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,844 -I did. 493 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,472 -Who are you? 494 00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,433 -Recognize me...now? 495 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,144 -The microphone guy. 496 00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,896 So, you took Remecca down? 497 00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,816 -Well, I was tired of living in her shadow. 498 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,735 Sitting at home, night after night, 499 00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,905 removing her weird mouth sounds. 500 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:43,410 But you, Judge Stone, you made me feel... 501 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,203 heard. 502 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,001 -What did you do? -I don't know. 503 00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:54,754 I-I asked him if he wanted to sit down once. 504 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,256 -The nerve of that guy. 505 00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:58,258 You know, I-I took a bullet for you. 506 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,135 The only reason to help your fellow man 507 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,720 is to have them in your debt. 508 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,432 That is a currency that never tanks. 509 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:06,599 -Well, too bad. 510 00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:09,602 You're not getting out of here that easy. 511 00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:14,274 One of these days, I'm gonna work up the courage to hug you. 512 00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:16,609 -Folks, I just got back from France, 513 00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,113 where I had "fart blanche." [ Fart noise] 514 00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:21,823 [ Guitar riff] 515 00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:24,909 -You know, I'll be the first to say it... 516 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:28,038 She pretty good. [ Laughs ]