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00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,215
**
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00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,759
-Next up, the People
v. John Gorman.
3
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-Mr. Gorman is charged
with larceny theft
4
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:13,304
for a purse snatching.
5
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:16,099
-Uh, Your Honor,
this alleged crime is so quaint,
6
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,642
it's actually charming.
7
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,686
It's an homage
to a simpler time,
8
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:22,856
when people had the decency
to rob you to your face,
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00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:26,359
when a street urchin could pick
your pocket and warm your heart,
10
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,403
often within the same song.
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00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,865
-Objection.
Hot nonsense.
12
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-Sustained.
13
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-The State has a witness,
Your Honor.
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-Would you mind describing
what you saw, please?
15
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-It's a crisp autumn day.
16
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A blur of a man
races by a street vendor
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selling daffodils.
18
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Behind me, a cry rings out --
"My bag!
19
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He stole my bag!"
20
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The city feels nothing.
21
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-Would the counsel
please approach the bench?
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-Permission to treat
the witness like a nut bar?
23
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-Don't you know who that is?
-Mm?
24
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,230
-That's Remecca Monte-Pulciano.
25
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,940
She hosts this podcast
that I love,
26
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,776
"The Social Archaeologist."
27
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-I'm not a fan of podcasts.
28
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I'm an audiobook gal.
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I'm in the middle
of Matthew McConaughey's.
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Tomorrow,
I'm gonna hit you with an --
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[ As McConaughey ]
"All rise, all rise, all rise."
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00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,703
-This one focuses
on everyday people
33
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,289
and digs deep into
what makes them inspirational.
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I'm almost positive it's her.
35
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There's only one way
to find out.
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00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,419
Would the witness
please say the phrase,
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"Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday"?
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-Here is your
Wisdom-Out Wednesday.
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-Oh-ho! It isher!
40
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I finally got to see her mouth
move while she says it.
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-Now that we've achieved all
our dreams, only death awaits.
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-Wait, where's the defendant?
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-And where's my purse?
44
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Oh, did anyone see
what happened?
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-There was an echo of worn soles
46
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on cracked linoleum,
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and then a flash
of fake Hermès orange.
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-And for no reason at all,
shade was thrown.
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**
50
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:13,425
**
51
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-And speak your truth
52
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after the beep.
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-Oh! That was amazing.
54
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Now I'm even more excited
for my dental appointment
55
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to get confirmed tomorrow.
56
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,562
But actually, there is another
reason I asked you to stay.
57
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The truth is, I do have an idea
for your podcast.
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It's about this court and our
empathetic approach to justice.
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And look who happens to be here.
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The dedicated heroes
who make it happen.
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-When I'm being ambushed,
I expect pastries.
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-Well, as an archaeologist,
I always have my fossil brush
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and my pickaxe,
so I might as well stick around
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and see what's
under this pile of dirt.
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-Hear that, guys?
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We're gonna get brushed
and picked.
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-Hi. I'm Neil.
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You know, I've thought about
doing a podcast myself.
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It's called "The Neil World,"
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where I stop being polite
and start being Neil.
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-And what precisely is
"being Neil"?
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-It's being polite
and constantly asking me
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if he should get an earring.
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00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,485
-Olivia Moore,
assistant district attorney.
75
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:14,861
You know, I think having me
76
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on your podcast
could build both our brands.
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-Is that right?
-Mm-hmm.
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From the time
I was a little girl,
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I knew that a career in law
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would fit me like
a pair of MeUndies.
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They sure changed my life.
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Thanks, MeUndies.
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-So, there's that.
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00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,588
Um, and then someone
who would offer you
85
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,715
a shorter introduction.
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Dan Fielding.
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-No.
-Ha-ha!
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That's my guy.
89
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,639
Dan actually used to be the
prosecutor at this very court,
90
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:43,932
and then he came
out of retirement
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00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:45,392
to be our public defender.
92
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:48,478
-Now, there's a journey
I'd like to excavate.
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-That's her tagline.
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Hear that, Dan?
You're tagline-worthy.
95
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-She want to dig
a hole in a journey?
96
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,319
The hell sense that make?
97
00:03:56,361 --> 00:04:00,532
-No offense, but podcasts for me
fall under the same category
98
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,618
as energy drinks, reality TV,
99
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,956
and something called
"Guy Fieri."
100
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,749
Why?
101
00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,668
-Some people just don't
like the idea
102
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,753
of spending
two uninterrupted hours
103
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,507
talking about themselves
to an audience of millions.
104
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,760
-Well, don't lump me in
with those idiots.
105
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:23,054
I'd be happy to offer
my services.
106
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,431
-Oh. Right.
107
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:26,599
So, you'd just use Dan
as, like, an appetizer
108
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,518
to get into the bigger
night court story?
109
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,437
-Abby, the lady
just ordered steak.
110
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Don't try to sell her
a used Datsun.
111
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,275
-So, we're all just
mixing metaphors now?
112
00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,485
I mean, what are we even
doing here?
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-Is Dan Fielding's rise
from humble beginnings
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00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,663
to the top of the bottom
of the judicial system
115
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one of our generation's
most remarkable feats?
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It is not for me to say.
117
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But it is my pleasure to repeat.
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-Perhaps we should just focus
on your transition
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to public defender.
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-We'll get to that.
121
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:05,221
It was William Jennings Bryan
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00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,433
who said that service is
a measure of a man's greatness.
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I think that a man's greatness
is decided
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00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,438
by how many awards he gets.
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00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,234
And mine range from runner-up
in the city council election
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all the way back
to my eighth grade
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state spelling bee championship
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honorable mention.
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-Actually, uh,
can we talk about that?
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-Yes, yes.
131
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And therein began
a lifelong disdain
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00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,457
for the silent "G."
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-No, no, no, no.
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00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,252
Uh, I'm talking about your run
for city council.
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Now, according to my research,
you ran as an independent,
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and your opponent
was a "D"?
137
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For Democrat?
138
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-D...
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ceased.
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00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:50,517
Yes, I lost to a dead man.
[ Chuckles ]
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00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,520
But I was the highest
living vote-getter,
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and I seriously believe
I would have won
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00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:59,734
had I handed out 20s
instead of 10s.
144
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,404
-You were trying to buy
people's votes?
145
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,572
-You have to really understand
the time.
146
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,157
It was New York in the '80s.
147
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,119
It was very, very difficult
to get people out to vote.
148
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,206
There were --
There were other things to do.
149
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,166
Like cocaine.
150
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,213
And Pac-Man had just come out,
151
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:25,427
and that was the perfect surface
to do cocaine off of.
152
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,221
-Still, sounds to me
like a crime.
153
00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:29,431
-Yeah, no, no.
154
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You have to understand
the context.
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-I'm listening.
156
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,312
-[ Clears throat ]
157
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:37,522
Oh, no. [ Coughs ]
158
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,483
Did I swallow a "g-nat"?
159
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Oh, also, did I --
I'm not Dan!
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00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,404
No, no, no.
161
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I'm his --
I'm his brother, August.
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I'll go get him.
I'll just go get him.
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Stay right there.
Keep rolling.
164
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It's okay.
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**
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00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,253
-Oh, Dan, good.
167
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,796
I need your opinion
on something.
168
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,048
I've been listening to my voice,
169
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,841
and is this really
what I sound like?
170
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-[ High pitched ]
Four score and seven years ago,
171
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,928
our forefathers brought forth
on this continent --
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00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,097
-Right, I think you're
playing it at double the --
173
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,142
No, that's exactly what
you sound like in my head.
174
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,685
Why are you listening
to yourself?
175
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,062
-Well, after your interview,
176
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,646
Remecca reached out
to me to do one.
177
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,857
I'm so excited.
178
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,150
-No, no.
Listen to me.
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You can't do the interview.
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As a matter of fact,
you have to bar
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00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,905
that podcast crew
from the courthouse.
182
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,239
-Why would I do that?
183
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,742
-When I was listing
my many accomplishments,
184
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:36,122
I may have implicated myself
in just a smidge of malfeasance.
185
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:39,292
I started talking
about cocaine a lot.
186
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Now Remecca's out
to take me down.
187
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,796
-Maybe if you talked
about the court
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00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:45,131
instead of being so selfish,
you wouldn't be in trouble.
189
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,883
But you need the whole world
to know
190
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,927
about that spelling bee,
don't you?
191
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,845
-It's an origin story.
192
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,222
-Well, I'm gonna go in there
193
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,890
and talk about the work
we're doing here,
194
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:57,102
and maybe it will inspire other
courts to follow our example.
195
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,854
I'm not gonna lose that chance
just because you biffed it.
196
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,773
-I'm telling you, it's a trap.
197
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:05,568
She tricked me-- Dan.
198
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,821
Dan!
199
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,740
-You're not gonna
change my mind.
200
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,158
-Yeah, alright, fine,
fine, yeah.
201
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,827
But when it doesn't work,
just be ready to hear
202
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,246
the five words
that everyone dreads --
203
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,497
"I told you so."
204
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,083
-That's four words.
-Well, I'm counting
205
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,669
the raucous laughter
before I say it
206
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,379
as a word.
207
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,798
Matter of fact, I'm gonna
start practicing it now.
208
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,800
Ha!
209
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,636
Ha-wah-hah!
210
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,846
I...
211
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,098
No, wait.
Hee-hee!
212
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,393
-I cracked the case,
and now I'll crack
213
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,020
the most up-to-date
point spreads,
214
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,438
with Offshore Bet Boys.
215
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,482
It's not gambling
when they're stone-cold locks.
216
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,696
-I've never seen someone
so thirsty to get on a podcast.
217
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,490
And I have several friends
whose spouses went missing
218
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,826
after joining a cult.
219
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,037
-It's all part of my
media strategy.
220
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,205
First step, podcasts.
221
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,000
Second step,
TikTok legal influencer.
222
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,669
Third step, Whoopi yells
at the wrong Uber driver,
223
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:08,381
and bingo, mama's
batting cleanup on "The View."
224
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,800
But I can't get Remecca
to even look at me.
225
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,135
I feel like Neil.
-Hey!
226
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,971
-Whoa!
-Don't sneak up on people!
227
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,057
-I've been trying to get
Remecca's attention, too.
228
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,976
The problem is
she is all-in on Dan.
229
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,686
-Don't take this the wrong way,
230
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,229
but you all are boring.
231
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,315
You need to sell the drama.
232
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:27,025
May I suggest...
233
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,361
a forbidden office romance?
234
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,570
-With me and him?
235
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,280
[ Laughs ] No.
236
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:36,743
-Look, podcasts are for lonely
people who don't like music.
237
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,162
But you know
what lonely people dolike?
238
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:41,164
-I feel like
I should know this.
239
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,792
-Murder and romance,
and since you've made it clear
240
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,211
on multiple occasions
that you're a stick in the mud
241
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:50,006
when it comes to murder,
I'd go with...
242
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:52,550
secret work love!
243
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,927
-Did you see that?
244
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,470
That's the first time
she's looked at me.
245
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,889
That's it.
Neil, we're in a relationship.
246
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,265
"Pretty Woman" rules.
247
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,142
No kissing, and it'll be
mostly me hanging out
248
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,144
with Hector Elizondo.
249
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:09,901
-That is very funny.
I am laughing.
250
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,654
I am laughing.
251
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,365
And please, let Donatello know
that I will be bringing
252
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,410
the haricots verts
to Sunday's dish-to-pass.
253
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,452
-Ah!
254
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,371
You're from Skaneateles,
aren't you?
255
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:22,956
-How did you --
-That's where I'm from.
256
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,874
It's the only place
I've ever heard it called
257
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,209
a "dish-to-pass."
258
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:29,045
Everywhere else,
they call it a potluck.
259
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,172
I mean,
like a damn leprechaun
260
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:33,383
supremed all those oranges
for that citrus salad?
261
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:36,136
[ Scoffs ]
"Luck," my butt.
262
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,555
-So, shall we start?
-Sure, sure.
263
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:39,806
Hi. I'm Abby.
264
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,474
Would you like to take a seat?
-No, no, no, no.
265
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,643
Just pretend like
he's not even there.
266
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:47,063
This is just a conversation.
267
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,899
Why don't we begin with,
how have you found
268
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,735
working with Dan Fielding?
269
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,487
-I have no regrets about
bringing Dan to this court.
270
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:57,073
My father always said there was
no one he respected more,
271
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,783
and you know,
I feel like we're missing
272
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,411
a bigger story here --
-So, y-you found Mr. Fielding
273
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,788
through a good ol' boy network?
274
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,331
-There's more to it than that.
275
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,334
-Because it sounds like
you manipulated the system
276
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,753
to help out one
of your father's old buddies.
277
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:10,920
-[ Chuckles nervously ]
278
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:14,007
Are these chairs
getting smaller?
279
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:16,176
It is hot out in here.
280
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,013
Gah!
281
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:29,064
**
282
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,607
-What's this?
-It's everything you need
283
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,776
to know
about our fake relationship.
284
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,402
What?
If we're gonna make this work,
285
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,322
we need to make it seem
as real as possible.
286
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,699
-Good thinking, babe.
287
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,534
-You will immediately see
on page one that
288
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:42,911
we are not a "babe" couple.
289
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:46,122
You'll find approved nicknames
on page three.
290
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,583
-These are just ournames.
291
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:51,586
-Yeah.
I came up with those.
292
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,464
Feel free to add
whatever your last name is.
293
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,761
-Alright, well,
there's a lot in here covering
294
00:11:59,803 --> 00:12:03,598
how I'm supposed to feel about
everyone on "Vanderpump Rules,"
295
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,558
but nothing about
where we are emotionally.
296
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,060
Like, how serious are we?
297
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:09,270
Where is this relationship
going?
298
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,523
-Where is this coming from?
299
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,775
-Well, if I'm gonna be
your fake boyfriend --
300
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,569
-Boyfriend? Whoa! Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
301
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,655
Save those labels
for the runway, mister.
302
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,864
Ha!
303
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,784
Next, you're gonna tell me
you're pregnant.
304
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:25,495
Guess what?
You are raising that baby alone.
305
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,208
-Dan, I messed up.
I messed up bad.
306
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,960
The interview backfired.
307
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,461
I sorta let it slip
308
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,297
that I may have shortcut
a few rules when I hired you,
309
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,008
and now Remecca wants
to take me down, too.
310
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,342
-[ Sighs ]
-What happened?
311
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,635
You mess things up
with the podcast lady?
312
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,345
-Yeah.
-How bad is it?
313
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:44,723
-Well, I pulled out an,
"It was a different time."
314
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,599
-Okay.
315
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,728
So, we're in some trouble.
-Why is that bad?
316
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,522
-Three phrases you don't use
in problematic situations --
317
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,107
"It was a different time."
318
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,650
-"I meant it as a joke".
319
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,153
-And "I know it's not okay
to say, but..."
320
00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,988
Just don't say it!
321
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:03,700
I can't believe they don't teach
that in white people school.
322
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:06,161
-To be fair, there's not
really an official white --
323
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,829
-Dartmouth.
324
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,375
-Okay, look, I'm just
gonna talk to Remecca.
325
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,877
I mean, I'm sure if I just
sit down with her,
326
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,004
one Skaneatelan to another,
we can sort this out.
327
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:18,340
I mean, we grew up playing
in the same parks.
328
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,674
I'm sure she even has a theory
329
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,843
on what happened
to Billy Muggins.
330
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,765
-You know, maybe Abby
canconvince her.
331
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,516
-Yeah, no, no.
I got a better idea.
332
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,935
-I got three better ideas.
333
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,438
-It can't involve wigs.
334
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,523
-Okay, we'll go with yours.
335
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,816
-Come on.
336
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,944
[ Door creaks ]
337
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,697
Wow.
338
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,033
Well, I just hope this thing
is still down here.
339
00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:48,370
And listen, remember, Abby
cannot know what we're doing.
340
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,538
She needs plausible deniability.
341
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,624
-I get it.
Everybody needs a cover story.
342
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,251
That's why I keep
a cardboard cutout of me waving
343
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,712
in that bowling alley bathroom.
344
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,381
"Where was Gurgs
the night in question?"
345
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:02,967
"She was in that bowling alley
bathroom being super friendly."
346
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,974
-Oh, you know what?
I think...
347
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:13,687
Uh-huh. Yeah!
348
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,397
This is it!
349
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,565
-I don't get it.
How is some old metal detector
350
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,567
gonna solve things
with the podcast lady?
351
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,487
-This is not just
some old metal detector.
352
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,615
We called it "Meg Ryan,"
'cause prolonged exposure
353
00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:28,576
was known
to melt people's hearts.
354
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,912
More importantly for us, though,
the magnets in this thing --
355
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,289
they'll fry any electrical
equipment it comes near.
356
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,417
It'll just erase everything.
357
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,293
Brilliant, huh?
358
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,047
-This is where I keep my spare.
359
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,928
**
360
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,848
-Alright, I am all set
for my chat with Remecca.
361
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,684
I imported loganberry pop,
some white hots,
362
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,437
all of the finest
Skaneateles delicacies.
363
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,439
-White hot dogs?
364
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:02,902
"Delicacy" may not be
the right word.
365
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:06,531
"Food" may not be
the right word.
366
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,034
-What is that, and why
is it making my teeth hurt?
367
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,119
-Oh, just some extra security.
368
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:13,455
I know upstate you just throw
some tacks on the floor,
369
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:17,584
but here in the big city,
we wear shoes.
370
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,294
-Is that warning in Russian?
371
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,546
-Oh, no --
-Nyet!
372
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:22,881
-I knew something was weird.
373
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,799
What is going on?
-It was Dan's idea.
374
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:28,094
I was in the bowling alley
bathroom.
375
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,680
-Alright, look, the only way
to fix this is to get her
376
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,682
to walk through that machine
377
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,934
and erase everything
that she has on us.
378
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,603
-There's no way
that thing is safe.
379
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,979
-It is definitely safe.
380
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,982
And I remind you,
I am not under oath.
381
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,317
-Why are you so annoyed?
382
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,985
All I asked is
if you were mad at me.
383
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,696
-Oh, you prob-- Mm.
[ Machine whirs ]
384
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:49,324
-Neil, sometimes my mood
has nothing to do with you.
385
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:50,742
Oh, you were driving me
so crazy,
386
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,702
I left my bag in the cafeteria.
[ Machine whirs ]
387
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:54,454
-Actually, I have your bag
right here,
388
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,664
because Ithink about you.
389
00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,792
[ Machine whirs ]
-Oh, my hero.
390
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,669
I'd be so lost without you.
391
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,004
-Oh, there it is.
Your sarcasm.
392
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,131
The third wheel
in this relationship.
393
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,508
-Ha!
Hate to break it to you,
394
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,635
but you're the third wheel,
babe!
395
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,638
-Oh, so I guess
we area "babe" couple.
396
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,181
[ Machine whirs ]
-We are not a couple, Neil!
397
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:17,811
-For the love of God,
don't stand right there!
398
00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,020
-We are through.
399
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,271
I am done being fenced in
400
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,023
like your -- your love veal.
401
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,733
I am free-range, buster!
402
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,861
Why is my iced coffee so hot?
403
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,864
-Wait!
[ Machine whirs ]
404
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,283
-What was that about?
-I don't know.
405
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,535
But we have to keep them calm.
406
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,870
They're Hulks now.
407
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,664
-Wait. Whoa, no.
Wait, where are you going?
408
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,541
You can't go.
We need you as bait.
409
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,334
No, bait --
Wrong word. Bad word.
410
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,211
Not bait, but...
411
00:16:43,253 --> 00:16:44,963
No, bait's the right word.
412
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,048
-I wanted to kill Remecca
with kindness,
413
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,551
not Cold War radiation.
414
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,803
-My Uncle Ray-Ray was killed
with kindness.
415
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,972
It's a rough way to go.
416
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:56,725
-What...?
417
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,059
-Oh, don't mind me.
418
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,603
Go back to your plan
to stifle free speech.
419
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,397
A plan that would have
worked better...
420
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,607
in a room with one door.
421
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,568
-Okay, Remecca,
I know this looks bad.
422
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:10,530
Your podcast is about inspiring
people, and if you tear us down,
423
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,282
I really think
you're gonna regret this.
424
00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,701
-I regret nothing.
425
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:17,245
-I'm sorry?
-They don't call it pod-friends.
426
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,414
They call it pod-business.
427
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,291
-Do they call it either?
428
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,127
-Hey, Remecca...
429
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:27,255
one very important thing
you're missing for this episode.
430
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:29,799
A tell-all interview.
431
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:33,762
I'll come clean about
everything, under one condition.
432
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,972
You leave Abby out of it.
433
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,600
-Andyou get us all
giant mattresses
434
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,603
that somehow come in tiny boxes.
435
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,066
-You have a deal.
436
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,233
And so do you.
437
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,486
But FYI, you can't put it
back in the box
438
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,029
and watch it unfold again.
439
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:55,116
You can try, but it will
only end in madness.
440
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,581
-Dan, I can't let you do that.
441
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:02,832
You would lose your job.
442
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:04,584
-You know,
when I made that offer,
443
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:07,295
I-I didn't see a bright side.
444
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,631
Thank you for finding it.
445
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,549
**
446
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:15,970
**
447
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,889
-Hey, I've been texting you.
448
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,474
-Yeah, it's weird --
my phone isn't working.
449
00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:20,809
All my credit cards are erased,
450
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,144
and when I pick up spoons,
they do this now.
451
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:28,942
-So, we don't really make
the best fake couple, huh?
452
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,777
-Scary thing is,
this was actually one of
453
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,113
my healthier relationships.
454
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,573
I might have some
real commitment issues.
455
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,284
-You know, I have been watching
the two of you,
456
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,371
and you're
an absolute trainwreck.
457
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,833
You would be perfect
for my new dating podcast,
458
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,459
"Absolute Trainwreck."
459
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,003
-Actually, we're not --
460
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:51,923
-Gonna pass up on an opportunity
like this, right, babe?
461
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,134
-But there's one condition.
462
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,052
You can't run that story on Dan.
463
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,137
-No.
464
00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,638
-Eh, guess we're not all
gonna be heroes.
465
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,098
[ Laughs ]
466
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:06,187
-Well, I guess that episode
of the podcast will be on soon.
467
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:09,816
The end of the illustrious
career of Dan Fielding.
468
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,317
-We still have time
to fix this.
469
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:15,155
We just have to break
the Internet, in one minute.
470
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,866
Does this muffin
look anything like Jesus?
471
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,493
-Remecca was canceled!
472
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:21,828
She lost all her sponsors,
473
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,329
and her platforms
dropped the podcast.
474
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:26,041
-What? What happened?
-Someone excavated her
475
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:29,169
and found out she used to be
a crazy sketchy shock jock
476
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:32,255
on a radio station upstate.
477
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,091
-This is Becky Molson
for Reject Radio,
478
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,011
and I regret nothing.
479
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,013
It's Whirl 'Em Out
Wednesday, boys,
480
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:44,225
so unwrap your package
and whirl those balls!
481
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,228
[ Fart noise]
Ooh!
482
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,689
That's one for the Stank Bank.
483
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:50,982
[ Guitar riff]
484
00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,862
-You forget how much culture
there is outside of the cities.
485
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,158
-I guess it got out.
-You knew?
486
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,078
-When Remecca said,
"I regret nothing,"
487
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,372
I thought it sounded familiar,
so I did some digging,
488
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:08,625
and turns out, she also has
a past that she's not proud of.
489
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,753
I thought I could use it to
convince her to go easy on Dan,
490
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,838
but she laughed me
out of the room.
491
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,425
-Well, someone
must have leaked it.
492
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,844
-I did.
493
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,472
-Who are you?
494
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,433
-Recognize me...now?
495
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,144
-The microphone guy.
496
00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,896
So, you took Remecca down?
497
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,816
-Well, I was tired
of living in her shadow.
498
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,735
Sitting at home,
night after night,
499
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,905
removing her weird mouth sounds.
500
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:43,410
But you, Judge Stone,
you made me feel...
501
00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,203
heard.
502
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,001
-What did you do?
-I don't know.
503
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:54,754
I-I asked him if he wanted
to sit down once.
504
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,256
-The nerve of that guy.
505
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:58,258
You know, I-I took a bullet
for you.
506
00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,135
The only reason to help
your fellow man
507
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,720
is to have them in your debt.
508
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,432
That is a currency
that never tanks.
509
00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:06,599
-Well, too bad.
510
00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:09,602
You're not getting out of here
that easy.
511
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:14,274
One of these days, I'm gonna
work up the courage to hug you.
512
00:21:14,315 --> 00:21:16,609
-Folks, I just got back
from France,
513
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,113
where I had "fart blanche."
[ Fart noise]
514
00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:21,823
[ Guitar riff]
515
00:21:22,991 --> 00:21:24,909
-You know, I'll be the first
to say it...
516
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:28,038
She pretty good. [ Laughs ]