1 00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:08,269 -Next case, The City of New York vs. Captain James T. Kush. 2 00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,227 He was arrested for growing and selling marijuana 3 00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:11,881 on his charter boat. 4 00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:13,448 -Hold on. 5 00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:16,320 Yes, this is the least surprised I've ever been. 6 00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:19,410 -Your Honor, my client runs a respectable business 7 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:23,327 beloved by college students, Deadheads, 8 00:00:23,371 --> 00:00:26,243 and Woody Harrelson. 9 00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:30,421 -Plus, Your Excellency, I was in international waters. 10 00:00:30,465 --> 00:00:34,338 My only judge should be the sea. 11 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:36,862 -Um, you were in the East River. 12 00:00:36,906 --> 00:00:39,865 That's not international or water. 13 00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:41,867 Still, though, felony drug trafficking 14 00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,739 seems a little steep. 15 00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:46,437 Uh, Counselor, do you know why the DA's office went so harsh? 16 00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:48,309 -Hmm? Oh, absolutely, 17 00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:50,963 I am listening. 18 00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:53,270 -The court chooses to let the defendant off with a fine 19 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:56,143 and a stern "don't ye be growin' any more cannabis 20 00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:59,407 on yer vessel, argh." 21 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,452 -Okay, dude, a piece of advice -- 22 00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,150 Cheetos are not a deodorant. 23 00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,330 -Olivia, you feeling okay? 24 00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,635 I mean, I know you don't like being here, 25 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,856 but tonight it actually shows. 26 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:15,814 -It's hard to care about these other cases 27 00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,555 when Eli Bettencourt is over there. 28 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:20,558 -Wait, Eli Bettencourt? Is here? Tonight? 29 00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:23,692 Who is that? 30 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,346 -He's the one with the nurse. 31 00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,435 He's one of the city's biggest political power brokers. 32 00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:28,827 And luckily for me, he was assaulted 33 00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,525 on his way home from dinner. 34 00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:32,353 If I win, I'll gain his undying gratitude 35 00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,398 and be on my way to becoming the first classically hot 36 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,009 Supreme Court Justice. 37 00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:38,663 Well, u-unless you count Earl Warren. 38 00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:40,752 -Ooh, he was a smoke show. 39 00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:46,715 -Now, if you'll excuse me, destiny awaits. 40 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:51,502 -Your Honor, District Attorney Jeff Dewitt, 41 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,374 representing New York City 42 00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:56,377 and my dear friend Eli Bettencourt. 43 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,030 I'll take it from here, Alicia. 44 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,687 -Well, stay positive. 45 00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,908 Maybe the victim in your next case is also a power broker. 46 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:13,002 Or maybe that giant snake will swallow you whole. 47 00:02:13,045 --> 00:02:14,351 You just never know. 48 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,657 That's Night Court, baby. 49 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,137 [ Laughs ] 50 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:24,840 ♪♪ 51 00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:32,587 ♪♪ 52 00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:35,372 -Well, if it isn't Dan Fielding. 53 00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,550 So the rumors are true. 54 00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:41,944 You're a public defender now? -Jeff Dewitt. 55 00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:45,208 I heard you drowned on the Lehman Brothers boat. 56 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:48,124 -You wish. They do women and children last. 57 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,084 -You two friends? -Former colleagues. 58 00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,564 Jeff and I go way back. 59 00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,218 I used to give him advice on how to dress. 60 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,569 Obviously he's forgotten all of it. 61 00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:01,006 -I'm actually glad you're here, Mr. District Attorney. 62 00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,921 I've noticed some trends coming out of your office 63 00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,271 that I'd really like to talk to you about. 64 00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:05,359 -Too much justice? 65 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:08,579 Up top, boom! 66 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,321 No, of course, the DA's office takes the concerns 67 00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:13,454 of a jurist like yourself very seriously. 68 00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:15,412 Let's -- Let's get a meeting on the books. 69 00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,893 -Oh, I've never had a meeting on the books. 70 00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:19,764 I've had a meeting about books. 71 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,984 Back home when they tried to ban "Cat in the Hat" 72 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,638 for being pro-mischief. 73 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,991 -Care to bet on the outcome like in the old days, Dan? 74 00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:31,515 -Sadly I'm no longer a gambling man. 75 00:03:31,559 --> 00:03:33,213 So say 500? 76 00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:35,563 -Easy money. She looks like a pushover. 77 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:39,043 -Ah, sweet Jeff, you're going to wish you died at sea. 78 00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,003 -Next up, The People vs. Gil Crandall. 79 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:43,527 -My office is charging assault and robbery in the first degree. 80 00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,094 -See, this is exactly 81 00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:46,922 the kind of excessive charge I'm talking about. 82 00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:49,185 -The fact is Mr. Bettencourt was attacked 83 00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:54,059 for his to-go container of hard-earned oysters. 84 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:59,804 Gil here stole food out of this great man's beautiful mouth. 85 00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,200 -Well, according to the doorman's statement -- 86 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,159 -Ooh, I wonder whose side the doorman is going to be on. 87 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,031 -The two men bumped into each other 88 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,816 and Mr. Bettencourt threw his doggie bag at the defendant, 89 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:14,471 yelling, "Suck on that, Poor-o." 90 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,345 -By the way, I'm a cashless business now. 91 00:04:18,387 --> 00:04:20,999 I have something called Venmo. 92 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,175 ♪♪ 93 00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:24,960 What's all this? 94 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,963 -Ah, I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with Jeff Dewitt 95 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:30,313 at something called the Manhattan Heritage Club. 96 00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,707 -Heritage Club? That's old New York. 97 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,710 You know, it was founded in 1784 as a place to be able 98 00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:39,496 to gossip behind Alexander Hamilton's back. 99 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:42,107 -Well, it sounds like the perfect place to convince Jeff 100 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,371 that his office's focus on conviction rates 101 00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,374 is ruining lives and not making the city any safer. 102 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,506 -And you're going to say all those words to him? 103 00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:50,986 -Of course not. 104 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,771 I also have my iPad loaded up with pie charts. 105 00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,296 Ooh, do you think I should call it a pie pad? 106 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,257 -Thank God I'm here. 107 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:08,308 You know, if you tell him what you want, you will never get it. 108 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:12,312 You need Dan Fielding's three-pronged approach 109 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,792 to backroom dealing. 110 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:18,492 Alright, you start with a few good-natured insults, 111 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:21,538 Follow it up with a couple of backhanded compliments, huh? 112 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:24,193 And by that time, he's going to be three scotches deep 113 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,630 and he will tell you what he really wants 114 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,589 and then you're in the driver's seat. 115 00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:29,633 Metaphorically speaking. 116 00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,287 If you're actually in a car, 117 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,769 it's a whole different set of prongs. 118 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:37,511 -Dan, I appreciate the advice, but I'm all good. 119 00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,426 This isn't some backroom deal. 120 00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,123 In fact, when I meet with Jeff, 121 00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:45,909 I'm going to ask for the front-iest room they've got. 122 00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:47,869 -He's going to eat you alive. 123 00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:55,137 -Beef jerky? 124 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:58,575 Why are you eating shame food out in the open? 125 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,186 -Eli was supposed to be my Golden Ticket out of here. 126 00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,406 And then Jeff Dewitt showed up like a fat German kid 127 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,365 and snatched my Golden Ticket away. 128 00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,457 -Hey, it's still a win, as long as you're not 129 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,676 one of those four weird grandparents 130 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,550 sleeping head to toe in the living room. 131 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,203 Well, at least you don't have to waste your Saturday 132 00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:21,424 at Jeff's dumb old club like Abby. 133 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:24,645 -Abby got invited to the Manhattan Heritage Club? 134 00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:26,560 The premier club for legal elites in New York City? 135 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,693 The club that I have dreamed of joining ever since I realized 136 00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:32,392 the pure joy of excluding people? 137 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,742 If I got there, I wouldn't have to wait for some Eli 138 00:06:34,784 --> 00:06:36,308 to get punched in the face. 139 00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:39,268 That club is crawling with rich, punchable old men. 140 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:42,358 -Crawling? Is that what rich people do when we're not around? 141 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:46,144 Do you get so much money they're like, "I'm a baby again"? 142 00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:50,540 -That place is wasted on Abby. She doesn't want to use 143 00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:52,324 social interaction to advance her career. 144 00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,588 She just wants to be friends with people, like a psycho, 145 00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:58,853 and unironically use terms like -- Lady date! 146 00:06:58,896 --> 00:07:02,900 I just never get tired of calling it that. 147 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:04,946 -I am so glad we're finally doing this. 148 00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:06,251 Even if the only time you had available 149 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,731 was when I had to be at this club. 150 00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:11,518 -Uh-huh, yeah, definitely here just for you. 151 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,302 -You could help me talk that DA talk with Jeff 152 00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:16,218 and then we can scoot off to Color Me Mine. 153 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,915 -Color me excited. 154 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,617 It's everything I ever dreamed. 155 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,009 There's the state's attorney. 156 00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,621 Oh, and the governor's chief of staff. 157 00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,492 And that sugar daddy husband from "Real Housewives" 158 00:07:29,536 --> 00:07:31,886 whose name I always forget. -Oh, it's Bradman. 159 00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,977 He got his neck done, but -- but that's not important. 160 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,849 No, if we can get Jeff pumped about evidence-based 161 00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:43,680 prosecution reform, I really feel like -- Olivia? 162 00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,943 -Oh, you got this, girl. 163 00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:48,424 Oh! Is that a state comptroller I see? 164 00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,693 -Judge Stone, welcome. 165 00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,129 What do you think of our little club? 166 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,784 -Ah, it's fancy. I'll try to resist the urge 167 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,917 to pull on all the books, looking for a secret room. 168 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,136 -Please do. 169 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,661 Oh, and you'll never guess who I ran into. 170 00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:09,271 -Judge Stone. 171 00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,795 As I live and breathe. 172 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:14,581 Which makes me the healthiest person in this room. 173 00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,237 -Dan, if I didn't know better, 174 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,109 I would think you were checking up on me. 175 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,894 -Not at all. I've been a member of this club since the '90s. 176 00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,331 And I am currently up to date on my dues, 177 00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:29,596 despite what is clearly a clerical error! 178 00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,729 -Well, strap in, Jeff. 179 00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,948 I am about to take you on an epic journey 180 00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:36,341 to a safer New York. 181 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,823 My iPad will be our magic carpet as we -- 182 00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,172 Oh, it seems that someone 183 00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:44,524 snatched our magic carpet on the subway. 184 00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,439 -You think someone made off with your iPad? 185 00:08:47,483 --> 00:08:49,529 Jeff, "made off," too soon? [Madoff] 186 00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,057 Gentle ribbing. 187 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,493 Prong one. 188 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,364 Ch-Check. 189 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,758 ♪♪ 190 00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,413 -Sorry to drag you down here on your weekend, Gurgs. 191 00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:08,591 -Well, make it quick. Saturdays are when I work on my novel. 192 00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,462 I just got to the twist. 193 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:13,814 They were on a submarine the whole time! 194 00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,859 -Whoa! 195 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,992 -And there's a character based on you. 196 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:21,299 -What? -But he dies like right away. 197 00:09:21,343 --> 00:09:22,823 Or does he? 198 00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:23,998 He does! 199 00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,957 [ Laughs ] 200 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,351 So, what's Abby got you doing? 201 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,179 -She wanted me to pick up copies of her research 202 00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,355 to take to some snooty club. 203 00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:34,574 If they'll even let me in. 204 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,140 -Alright, Neil, 205 00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,969 I'm tired of watching you mope around about Abby. 206 00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:40,580 She's your boss and she's engaged. 207 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,016 It's not going to happen. 208 00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:45,236 But if you want to stand a chance with any woman, 209 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,760 you know what you need to do? 210 00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,631 -Hope your book gets big and people recognize me 211 00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,415 as the cool guy that dies in the beginning? 212 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,158 -I didn't say cool. 213 00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:56,378 You need to build up some confidence. 214 00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,509 Change your clothes, Neil. 215 00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,250 We're going clubbing. 216 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:02,123 -Can I still wear comfy shoes? -No, you may not. 217 00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,520 -Okay, my presentation materials 218 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:09,870 are running a little bit late, 219 00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,872 but I think we should just dive in. 220 00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,613 My first slide was a word cloud 221 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,397 which I will now describe from memory. 222 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,051 [ Cellphone ringtone playing ] 223 00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,227 -Oh, sorry, I got to take this. 224 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,750 Hold on! 225 00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:22,012 It's my investment guy. 226 00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:24,058 If I don't answer, he goes rogue. 227 00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:27,975 Last time, he went all in on Theranos after the documentary. 228 00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,672 What?! 229 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,021 -Hurry back. I'll get us some steaks, 230 00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,675 a couple scotches. -Oh, I can't. 231 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:35,025 I'm seeing a nurse. She's got me down to two steaks a day. 232 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:39,464 -Dan, what are you doing? I told you I got this. 233 00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,728 -Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping. 234 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,165 Look, these guys are trickier than the cow tippers 235 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:47,124 and Jet-Ski hooligans you dealt with upstate. 236 00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:49,518 -We have some tough customers back home. 237 00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:52,608 Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman. 238 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,479 -Okay, fine, fine, fine, I don't need a rundown 239 00:10:54,523 --> 00:10:56,612 of the corn crime all-stars. 240 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,440 I've known this guy for 30 years 241 00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,050 and you're not going to get any traction with him 242 00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:03,140 until you figure out what it is he wants from you. 243 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,665 -I don't know. I think I could sell him on this. 244 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,318 People can change. You changed. 245 00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,364 -Yeah, but I'm incredible. 246 00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:15,413 -Well, we're sticking with coal! 247 00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:18,982 -Jeff, I think word clouds can be a little abstract. 248 00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,462 Let's get concrete. 249 00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,594 Your policies affect real people. 250 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,161 -You know what, though, Abby, I think, you know, 251 00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,337 maybe our friend would rather talk 252 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,949 about how you could fast-track his cases 253 00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:32,213 or go easy on his buddies, huh, huh, huh? 254 00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:35,303 Get him a restraining order against all children. 255 00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,177 Are you winking at any of these, Jeff? 256 00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,964 -Actually, I'm not into horse trading anymore. 257 00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:47,097 Unless you have an actual horse you -- you want to trade. 258 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,535 I have got one I am dying to get rid of. 259 00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:53,800 -So, no meat, no horse trading. 260 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,889 You've changed. 261 00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,717 -That's interesting. 262 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,283 Dan, should we get something to eat? 263 00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:01,372 I hear the crow here is excellent. 264 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:05,202 -It is. They call it field squab and it is to die for. 265 00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,943 Field squab! 266 00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:10,164 ♪♪ 267 00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:11,861 -I can't believe you wore that. 268 00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:15,647 You look like an off-Strip blackjack dealer. 269 00:12:15,691 --> 00:12:18,694 -Uh, I saw a guy dressed like this in the Olympics. 270 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,610 Granted, he was wearing ice skates. 271 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,960 I don't know, Gurgs. Let's just leave the folder and go. 272 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:27,398 -No. You need this and you belong here. 273 00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,139 Remember what Tony Robbins says. 274 00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:31,751 -"Get out of my seminar, Neil, you're bumming us out"? 275 00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,057 -Exactly, and we're going to prove him wrong. 276 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,406 Just follow me. 277 00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,931 The finest of afternoons. 278 00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,803 We're here to see -- Arthur! 279 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,632 Arthur, is that you, old boy? 280 00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:45,329 They told me you was there. 281 00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,552 -I belong here. 282 00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,381 -Of course you do. 283 00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:55,513 Spa waters, table three. 284 00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:56,863 And put on a tie. 285 00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,516 No one wants to see your neck. 286 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,526 -I-I just think I could really thrive in this club. 287 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,791 All I need is someone to sponsor my membership. 288 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:15,533 -Sorry, miss, I already gave my one sponsorship 289 00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,318 to my youngest son here. 290 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:27,023 -Well, I'll leave you to your mush. 291 00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,202 -I keep all my club clothes at work. 292 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:35,336 Trials end, I throw this on, show up at a club, 293 00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:38,078 and sometimes the deejay hasn't even gotten to the drop yet. 294 00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:41,908 Everyone's waiting around like, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, 295 00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:45,433 and then I show up and it's like bwoooo, wah-wah-wah-wah! 296 00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:47,827 [ Laughs ] 297 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,830 Olivia, what are you doing here? 298 00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,614 -What am I doing here? 299 00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,529 I capitalized on a woman's desperate need for friendship. 300 00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,270 What are you doing here? 301 00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,794 -Oh, I was just teaching Neil a lesson in confidence. 302 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,230 -Neil's here? 303 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,930 What, they just let anyone in this dump? 304 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:05,192 -And that's the amount of recidivism 305 00:14:05,235 --> 00:14:06,671 reduced by this approach. 306 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,108 Now, here's the point in the presentation 307 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,805 where I would've offered you whipped cream 308 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,547 to go with your pie chart, and you would've loved it. 309 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,811 -Well, I got to tell you, this has been eye-opening. 310 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,640 -Excuse me. 311 00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,424 Oh, good, someone found my iPad. 312 00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,817 And all I need to do to get it back 313 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,298 is answer a series of riddles. 314 00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:27,344 Excuse me. 315 00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:28,650 -So, Jeff, you're actually interested 316 00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,130 in what Abby is saying? 317 00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:32,741 -Oh, I'm eating this up. 318 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:34,351 Usually I have to bribe a nanny 319 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,527 to figure out a target's weaknesses. 320 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:40,705 But she is handing me all the material I need. 321 00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:44,013 -Need to improve society? 322 00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,189 -[ Laughing ] 323 00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,501 No. 324 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,982 To improve my chances of getting re-elected. 325 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,722 I've been looking for a soft-on-crime judge 326 00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,073 to be the face of everything destroying New York City, 327 00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:04,381 and she is the perfect scapegoat. 328 00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:08,081 -Third scotch, third prong, system works. 329 00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,045 -Abby, the third scotch worked. 330 00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:18,134 He wants a scapegoat for the next election 331 00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:20,093 and it's going to be you. 332 00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,398 So now we know what he wants. 333 00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:22,834 We can use it against him. 334 00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:24,314 -I don't want any more prongs, Dan. 335 00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,968 -No, no, no, no, no, we're done with prongs. 336 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,100 We're into phases. 337 00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,537 Now, phase one has five prongs. 338 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,626 -Dan, stop it. I want to change things 339 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,367 and I'm not going to do that by playing the same games 340 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:36,283 you've all been playing since the wall-deer had bodies. 341 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:37,762 -I don't want you to get hurt. 342 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:40,591 -Thank you, but I got this. 343 00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,637 I want to do things my way. 344 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,118 -I understand. Enjoy your Shirley Temple. 345 00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,554 -Sherlock Temple. 346 00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:50,427 They don't have drinks named after women. 347 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:54,388 -That's why I haven't paid my dues. 348 00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:56,781 You should all be ashamed of yourselves. 349 00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:02,613 -Rough day? -Yeah, it's been -- 350 00:16:02,657 --> 00:16:03,745 Neil, what is happening? 351 00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,486 Why are you bartending? 352 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:06,748 -Well, I came to bring you that folder, 353 00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:08,576 which I'm realizing I never did. 354 00:16:08,619 --> 00:16:11,796 They thought I was a waiter, so I said, "This isn't my job," 355 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,756 confidently, and they promoted me to bartender. 356 00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:16,584 It's actually very fulfilling work. 357 00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:17,889 People want my attention. 358 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,370 They ask for my advice. It's nice. 359 00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:23,547 So care to pour me a story? 360 00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,074 -Just things seemed so much simpler upstate. 361 00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:31,164 People here seem to have an agenda. 362 00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,470 -I've lived a lot of lives today. 363 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:34,776 And if there's one thing I've learned, 364 00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:38,258 it's that people are the same everywhere. 365 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:41,174 Some are just lousy tippers. 366 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:45,178 -Wow, Neil, that's really profound. 367 00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:48,224 [ Loud jingling ] 368 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:51,010 That ice is really loud! 369 00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:52,794 -Oh, I don't know where the ice is. 370 00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:56,972 I just put my keys in here and I shake them up for show. 371 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,409 If someone wants a cocktail, I just recommend a scotch. 372 00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:01,020 [ Chuckles ] 373 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:04,545 I tell them "it's peaty." 374 00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,374 -Peaty. -It means smoky. 375 00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:08,505 Look, it's Scottish swamp juice. 376 00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,637 I don't know why people like it. 377 00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:11,813 -Petey -- That's it. 378 00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:14,294 Jeff is a corn crime all-star. 379 00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:16,773 And I know just the person who can help me prove it. 380 00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:19,386 -Eh, not going to help you. 381 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,866 -Can you just tell me if my suspicions about Jeff are right? 382 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,694 -Uh, no, because if they are true, 383 00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:28,047 maybe I confront Jeff and he gets me into this club. 384 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,831 -Why do you want to be a part of this club anyway? 385 00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:31,006 You're better than this place. 386 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,529 -You think I don't know that? 387 00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,270 I hate this place and everything it stands for. 388 00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:36,055 The people are jerks, it smells like gravy, 389 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,621 and eight different men came up to me 390 00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:39,884 and asked me who my husband told me to vote for. 391 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,542 If you want to get ahead, this is where you have to be. 392 00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,763 -Blackmailing Jeff to get into this club is not the dream. 393 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,895 You using your drive and intelligence 394 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,333 to rise to a position of power where all the Jeffs 395 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,858 wants to blackmail you, that's the real dream. 396 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,599 -You really think that could happen for me? 397 00:17:58,642 --> 00:18:01,863 -Stick with me and one day people will be lining up 398 00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,560 to ruin your life. 399 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,609 Alright, Jeff Dewitt, let's talk! 400 00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,176 Damn it, why'd that have to be a curtain? 401 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:11,568 I just feel like I just stormed into a shower. 402 00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,396 -No, it worked. Keep going. 403 00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:19,054 -Let me tell you about a little scandal that happened upstate. 404 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,709 You see, Biff Cratchit always won the Squash Art 405 00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:23,754 competition at the county fair, but that's only because 406 00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:26,496 Petey Gooster always gave him his best squash every year. 407 00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,672 But the year that Biff finally lost was the year 408 00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:31,501 that Petey found out that Biff was sleeping with his wife. 409 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:35,288 After that, Biff never won anything ever again. 410 00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:38,508 -Well, I like a carnival sex yarn as much as the next man. 411 00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:42,469 But what the hell does any of that have to do with me? 412 00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:45,254 -You let it slip earlier that you're dating a nurse. 413 00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,734 And in court the other day, 414 00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:50,216 I saw you making a flirty face at Eli's nurse, 415 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,435 who I also learned is his wife. 416 00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:55,134 -And his daughter's former roommate. 417 00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:58,093 Gross. 418 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,529 -I think you're having an affair 419 00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,662 with your biggest campaign donor's wife. 420 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,185 And if that comes out, just like old Biff, 421 00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:04,926 you're going to lose your squash daddy, 422 00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:08,582 and that squash for you is 800K every election cycle. 423 00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,236 -Nice story. 424 00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:11,802 You can't prove it. 425 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,370 -Ooh, but I can. 426 00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,851 Remember that Eli Bettencourt case you stole from me? 427 00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,548 Well, I called every witness, 428 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,595 but his wife wasn't one of them because she was here. 429 00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:23,292 "With a friend." 430 00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:25,381 -A friend that Neil's new co-workers 431 00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:28,428 at a job he doesn't really have confirmed was you. 432 00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:31,518 And I heard that you two were in a back room doing face stuff. 433 00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:32,606 -Just say kissing. 434 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,651 -Got it. 435 00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:38,438 -Well, that is a large pile of dirt you have there. 436 00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:39,787 What do you want? 437 00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:42,224 -Oh, same thing I've always wanted. 438 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,966 For you to take this research to heart 439 00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:47,621 and effect some positive change. 440 00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,666 -I don't know what your game is. 441 00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,451 -No game. Games are your thing. 442 00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:53,801 I'm just sharing information. 443 00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:55,672 -So am I being blackmailed or not?! 444 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:59,241 This is really unnerving! 445 00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,374 I'm going to read the whole thing, I promise! 446 00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:05,247 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, so, are -- are -- are we cool? 447 00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:07,206 -Oh, and, um, you guys might want to find 448 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,685 a different place to hang out. 449 00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:10,948 Yeah, turns out that this club is in violation 450 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:12,602 of all kinds of different codes, 451 00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:15,779 so expect a fun little visit from people in jackets. 452 00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:17,607 [ Laughs ] 453 00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:19,696 -Up top, boom! -Up top, boom! 454 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:24,484 ♪♪ 455 00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,268 -Turns out I'm much more comfortable 456 00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:30,707 in a place where I am by far the most successful person. 457 00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:33,971 -So, you decided to go with blackmail after all? 458 00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,060 -Absolutely not. He just thought I did 459 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:38,149 because that's how he does things. 460 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,630 And as you said, he hasn't changed in 30 years. 461 00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:44,199 -You know why? -Because he's not incredible? 462 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,202 -Well, yeah, but 463 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,900 also he doesn't have anyone 464 00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,903 in his life to make him better. 465 00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:57,038 Like my late wife or your father. 466 00:20:57,081 --> 00:21:00,563 Or you. 467 00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:03,044 -Cocktail, m'lady? -No, thank you. 468 00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,786 I don't drink. -Neat. 469 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,272 So glad I spent $600 on bartending stuff. 470 00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:18,494 [ Key clinks ] 471 00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,583 -Why does this drink have a key in it?