-Previously on "Night Court"...
-There you are.
You're leaving, and you weren't going to even tell me?
-I've been offered a position back home
in Pearl River, Louisiana.
-Oh. -And I think you'd be perfect
for a program at Scotland Yard. -Scotland Yard?
That's the fanciest police station in the world.
-I guess we've been growing in different directions
for a while now.
-So what do we do now?
-This is what I've always wanted.
I'm not abandoning her.
I mean, she knew I wasn't gonna stay around here forever.
-Can I really ask him to stay? -No one's asked me to stay.
-Okay, bailiff, bring in this bride to be.
[ Sighs ]
Roz?
[ Cheers and applause ]
**
-Mush, mush, mush.
Hello, Roz.
-What's the point in knowing a judge
if you can't let a little law bending slide?
-What? You threw a bouncer through a plate glass window.
Look at you, you're still holding his ponytail.
-Well, I worked in a court long enough to know,
it's illegal to destroy evidence.
-It's good to see you, Roz. -You too, Fielding.
And look at you, finally got the big chair,
back in your hometown.
-Uh-huh. -How's it feel?
-Hey, Judge, judge these.
-Mardi Gras's over, councilman.
-I live to serve the people.
-You hate the people.
-Now more than ever.
Although it's been fun catching up with old friends.
Took one to a Saints game the other day.
Scattered his ashes on the 40 yard line.
He blew past the defense, landed in the end zone.
Final wish granted.
Well, what about you? You still bailiffing?
-Nah. These days, I'm a private investigator.
I've broken up more marriages
than Vegas and nanny cams combined.
-And yet you're gonna give love a chance, huh?
-You'd like her? -Yeah, she a person?
'Cause you know how I feel about those.
-She was a person, but she gave it up to be a lawyer.
-[ Chuckles ] -Roz Russell,
you're free to go.
-Oh, well, Fielding, it's been real.
Thanks for, well, nothing.
-Oh, wait.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry I couldn't
salvage your bachelorette party,
but look, at least you got to see some skin.
And the reason why he wasn't reelected.
-You know, for a minute there, I thought you might be
apologizing for something else.
-Like what? -How about what you said
to me the last time I saw you in 1997 --
"I'll be right back."
-Oh, right.
Hey, let me try to make it up to you.
-Ah, you remembered my favorite drink.
-Huh? -Free.
-Uh-huh.
-I'm what's known as an olfactophile.
Someone who appreciates the world through smell,
and if it's a crime to use our most powerful
sense to experience the greatest city in the world,
then, madam, lock me up.
-That is not a crime, but do you know what is?
Hiding under a park bench to sniff butts.
Three months.
Enjoy all the smells that jail has to offer.
-Ooh, someone got orchids.
-Flowers, nice.
Romance or cat and mouse game with a serial killer?
'Cause I've been on both sides of that coin.
-You know, people say that it's hard to date in New York,
but not for me.
I landed myself a real catch.
Blonde, blue-eyed, talking to you right now.
It's me. I'm dating myself.
-The bouquet of doll heads from the Green Point Creeper
was less disturbing than that.
-There's just been a lot of changes recently.
Dan's gone. I'm not engaged anymore.
I just felt like it was a good time to step back
and focus on myself, with all the perks of a relationship --
flowers, breakfast in bed, sweet check-in texts.
"Me up?" I am. "Come over." I am.
-Yeah, I don't know what she sees in her.
-Well, they know what they say.
You can't make a queen's trifle
on Boxing Day without a few nuts.
I'm sorry, it's from my time in England.
When you're immersed in the culture,
it's bloody hard to shake.
-You know, you're not the only one immersed in a new culture.
Behold, New York City's newest part time sports agent.
-Look who's got herself a Charlie side Hustle.
Charlie Hustle? Pete Rose?
From the sport with all the bases and balls called baseball?
-Gurgs, I'm only doing American sports.
And I am killing it. I just need one thing -- clients.
I almost signed the newest young hot basketball player,
but his mother wouldn't let him go out to dinner with me
because he's only 10.
-Basketball. [ Chuckles ]
Curling, that's a real sport.
All you need is a broom and a dream.
-How long is he going to be filling in as clerk for?
This isn't even the next case,
it's just his recipe for grilled cheese.
It says, "Bread, cheese, hot."
-I don't even know what to call him.
Judge Flobert? Clerk Flobert? Judge Clerk Flobert?
-People used to call me Flowbee,
and that's only 'cause I cut people's hair with my vacuum.
Oh, and I'm gonna need that recipe back.
-It's only temporary, and we didn't have any options
after Neil moved to Tahoe with his girlfriend.
At least I hear from him.
-Still no updates from Dan?
-I got one call, and it was a butt dial.
And then there was a three minute voicemail of him
mumbling curses at stop signs.
But I am focused on me, and tonight,
I am sending me on a very romantic scavenger hunt.
Where do you think I should hide this?
Keep in mind, I'm very good at finding things that I hide.
-Is this what goes on when I'm not around?
-Dan? What are you doing here?
-Ruining the surprise.
Next up, the People vs. Dan Fielding.
-Well, that's a kick in the knickers, innit?
I'm plain gobsmacked, I am.
-Did you get a haircut?
-Dan, are you really here, or am I
in that courtroom prank show I'm always scared exists?
-We've had this discussion before,
nobody wants to come here and do pranks.
Being here is the prank.
-Mr. Fielding is charged with destruction of property.
Now, you maybe inclined to show pity
because, well, he's lost and confused
and he can't pull off those leggings,
stylistically or with both hands and a stick of butter.
[ Laughs ]
-Objection. Enjoying this too much.
-I'm so happy you did this just so you can see me.
I had the same idea of getting arrested in Louisiana
just to see you.
Classic us.
-Actually, I'm only here because I was deceived
into doing someone a favor.
-Nobody deceived you, you big dumb tree trunk.
And everything would have been fine
if you had just stuck to the plan.
-Hey, you know what? Maybe if you had told me
who I was supposed to be investigating.
-Oh, my God, Roz Russell?
I recognize you from my dad's old Christmas cards.
You always made a face like you didn't want to be there.
-That's the one.
-You must be Harry's daughter.
-Abby Stone. Abby short for Abracadabra.
-Looks like you're a little short for everything.
-Oh, man, Roz is burning me up.
-Alright, can we back to deciding who wore it better,
Dan or the Jerry Garcia Beanie Baby?
-We're all ears, Mr. Fielding.
-Yes, well, this started innocently enough.
Roz wanted me to help her with an investigation
of a woman named Loretta,
whose partner suspected her of cheating.
We had a lead the alleged affair
was happening with her workout buddy,
so I went undercover.
[ Clanging ]
I blended in masterfully like a chameleon in the rainforest,
a commando in camouflage.
-The Chrysler Building in a corn field.
-Pipe down. You weren't there.
-You can't text me stuff like that.
We're gonna get caught.
-My finely honed powers of deduction
directed me toward her phone, but how to get it.
No one was going to hand me the solution on a silver platter.
-Now lie on your backs with your eyes closed,
especially Loretta.
-I was disheartened to realize two things --
I needed her face to unlock the phone,
and I should have been wearing yoga pants for years.
When I opened the phone,
what I saw was so shocking I almost lost my composure.
That's it. Watch your head. Watch your head.
[ Gong clangs ]
Namaste.
-The suspense is killing me. What was on the phone?
Was it a treasure map only for you to find out
that the treasure was inside you all along?
-It was a picture of her fiancée, Roz.
Yes, I thought I was helping PI Roz,
turns out I was helping jealous fiancée Roz.
-You were supposed to go undercover at her law firm
as a man cutting his kids out of his will.
-Oh, yes, and it was a role I was born to play,
but in a great Shakespearian turn,
yoga was closer to my building.
-Okay, the court has heard enough.
The defendant is ordered to replace the damaged gong
and sentenced to verbally reply
to all my unanswered texts
to be served in my chambers immediately.
-That's actually my job now.
-Oh. Sorry, old habits.
-You know what? Go on ahead.
Look at that technique.
The greats stay great.
-Why couldn't you ask for a normal favor
like a ride to the airport or scattering remains in a place
I was already going?
-Okay, give Roz a break.
Love can make anyone act a little crazy.
I should know, I'm dating a pretty live wire myself.
Oh, sorry, I put the emphasis on the wrong word.
I'm dating a pretty live wire, myself.
-You know, it's none of my business,
but instead of dating yourself,
I bet you'd really hit it off with a psychiatrist.
-Look, I'm not imagining things. Loretta has a track record.
She got cheating on her last girlfriend, first by me.
Then, with me.
-By the things looked at that yoga class,
she still has a wondering third eye.
-But don't you think there's a chance
that this could be more about you than her?
-You know, she does remind me of Harry.
He never minded his own damn business either.
-You don't know the half of it.
She's always on me about the way I eat.
-You don't chew.
I had to give you the Heimlich twice in one meal.
-I pay for the gristle, I eat the gristle.
-This reminds me of other rooms I didn't want to be in.
I'll be right back.
-I know that move.
She is gone forever.
-You can't just let her leave.
What if she's about to make a huge mistake with Loretta?
-[ Gasps ] Oh, wait, oh, right, I don't care.
-Alright, well, I guess Roz and I have something in common.
You're fine bailing on both of us.
Just got back to Louisiana,
to your swamp parties and French vampires.
I don't know what goes on there.
-Now, I'm going back as soon as I deal with my subletter.
I heard that he changed my bedroom into an aquarium,
so now I own a no-bed, all bath.
-Guess I'll see you next time you're in town getting arrested
in a ridiculous outfit.
-Hey, yeah, well, I know you want to hurt me,
but I also know I'm pulling this off.
-[ English accent ] No, England's nothing
like Bridgerton.
The people are a lot hotter, and there's so much more sex.
-Guess who learned what kind of ball this is?
Base.
-Olivia, you have got to hear this.
Gurgs' telling us all about her sexy adventures
with her British boyfriend.
-[ Normal accent] Oh, we don't like titles,
though he does have one.
He's a Duke! [ Laughs ]
We met while he was disguised
as a street rat in a village bazaar.
It's a common practice amongst nobles.
They call it Jasmine-ing.
-Ooh, Jasmine-ing.
-Well, wish I could sit around with you hens and cluck,
but the sports world beckons.
Yeah, I got a meeting with my first potential client,
a New York Ranger.
From hockey.
-Olivia Moore?
-Oh, Doug, uh...
So when you said you were a New York Ranger,
you -- you meant a Time Square Power --
-Bupp, bupp, bupp, you can't call me that,
especially in a courthouse.
You never know who's a lawyer round here.
-I'm a lawyer.
-You said you were an agent.
I don't like being lied to.
-I could still represent you for birthday parties.
-Dan, what are you doing here?
I thought you'd be back in New Orleans riding a fan boat
or eating a Beignet Po' boy by now.
Yeah, that's right, my good friend Siri told me all
about what you do down there.
-Some judge found me guilty.
I had to come and show proof of gong.
-You need to skedaddle. I invited Loretta here
to get to the bottom of what's going on between her and Roz.
-So, what's the play?
You're gonna flirt with her and see if she bites?
-My plan's a little more sophisticated than that.
She's coming here for what she thinks
is a standard lawyer/judge meet and greet,
when the reality, is probably not gonna work.
What was your thing?
Flirt with her, if after 30 seconds
she hasn't mentioned the fiancée, she's a cheater.
You do know how to flirt, don't you?
-I landed me, didn't I?
Yes, I know how to flirt.
It's subtle cues that when done on their own do nothing,
but when stitched together form a rich tapestry.
-Oh, God.
-Just watch and learn.
Arms bent, legs flexed, hair tousled,
head tilted to release the pheromones,
then it's all about the eyes.
Upward gaze, piercing eye contact,
then take it away, piercing, take it away.
What do you think?
-You look a puppet I wouldn't want to buy.
-Then there are verbal cues,
the word "prune" can make a cute pouty face.
Do you have any prunes in your pantry?
-Uh-huh. Here's another verbal cue.
[ Gags ]
-You know what? You don't get to give me advice anymore.
You left, and now we're barely even friends.
I don't know anything about your life in Louisiana.
-Well, it's just like New York,
except there's rats or alligators.
And the pastrami is alligators.
-You know what? Just forget about it.
Get out of here before Loretta gets here and --
-Judge Stone.
Wait, you're that weird guy from my yoga class.
-What is this? -What?
-My evil twin does yoga?
Well, I must tell mother.
-Look, based on my last subletter,
I feel I have to ask, will you be using this primarily
as a residence or a lab to transmorph into an Aquaman?
Dude, you're taking way too long to answer.
[ Knock on door ]
-Ah.
-So, how's it going with you and your Frankenstein?
-[ Chuckles ] -You two gonna share clothes?
-Yeah.
I take it everything is alright with Loretta
since your hands are free of murder weapons.
-I'd never give you the sweet relief of death,
but yeah, Loretta and I are good.
-Good. -She did rip me a new one
after seeing you and Harry's kid in the cafeteria.
-What? My evil twin and Abby got into a fight in the cafeteria?
-But it did lead to a heart to heart.
I realized our problem was more about me than her.
-Good God, that means Abby's advice was right.
Ugh, she will be insufferable.
You sure you don't want to kill me?
-Turned out the yoga lady's a musician.
Loretta's surprising me with my favorite song at our wedding.
-Oh, my God, you're gonna walk down the aisle
to John Tesh's "NBA on NBC"?
I'm so happy that you found somebody
that cares about you that much.
-And I'm glad you found another Stone to look after you.
How did she give you the Heimlich, by the way?
-She leapt off a table.
Third time, she got it.
-Well, if you ever want to talk to an old friend
who doesn't live in an urn, I'm around.
-Well, you know the good thing about having urn friends
is that once you spread the ashes,
you get to keep the urn as a souvenir.
Jelly belly?
-I'll send your wedding invitation here,
unless your stubborn ass insists on being all alone in Louisiana.
And I don't think these guys are gonna spread you
at a Saints game.
-Some friends you are.
-Dougy baby, hey, you are booked
this Saturday for the Feldman twins' birthday party.
Yeah, now, they are paying you in cake, but it's carrot,
so I'm gonna waive my commiss--
Hello?
Doug?
My only client just fired me.
This whole world class sports agent
turned kids character party booker
may not be the move for me.
-Why do you even need a side hustle?
-Everyone has something exciting going on.
My social life isn't taking off, my career's at at standstill.
What's left?
I'm going to be one of those people who knows
too much about ramen.
-I don't get the ramen craze.
I like spaghetti, and I like soup,
but I don't like them in one wet bucket.
-Wet bucket?
Now I don't even have ramen.
-Wait, I know you feel like everybody's got something,
but the truth is my England stories are all made up.
-Wait, what? -I was too scared.
I've never been abroad.
So I stayed in New York and watched everything
Idris Elba's ever done, but this time,
with the sound on.
At least you were brave enough to try something,
even if it did fail.
-Yeah. Guess that was incredibly brave of me.
Inspiring even.
-Thanks, Gurgs. That really means a lot.
[ "Rule Britannia" ring tone plays ]
-You need to get that?
-Uh, it's probably spam.
-It says "the Duke."
You know, I still appreciate you trying.
-Wet buckets, my treat?
-Sure. -Really dating a royal, huh?
-Yeah, but a lot of people gotta die
in order for him to rule anything good.
-Okay, you want to know how my dream job in Louisiana is going?
-I don't know. Maybe I'm not that interested anymore.
-I hate it.
-I am just so into this article about squids.
They are smart and sensitive.
Some say they are the koalas of the sea.
-Being a judge stinks.
It's all this listening, very little arguing,
nobody gets to see my fabulous suits
'cause I'm covered by this black robe
that does absolutely nothing for me.
-Mm-hmm.
No more follow ups on my end.
-And it's lonely.
Everyone I knew is gone,
scattered to the wind, some literally.
I mean, I love New Orleans,
but I mean, that place just isn't home anymore.
-'Cause home is...?
-I am not going to say here.
-Ah, you said it!
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Welcome back, councilor. We should go out and celebrate.
Not tonight. I'm taking me out for our one week anniversary.
-Well, now that I've got my job back,
there's someone you need to get rid of.
That nut job you're dating.
-Done. I've been trying to end it for a while.
Turns out I'm a lot.
You know, you're lucky I'm even letting you come back.
This team was really starting to gel.
-Good night, Blanche.
-Believe it or not, he's getting closer.
-[ Wind whistling ] -It's funny.