1 00:00:05,463 --> 00:00:07,215 -I know phone booths are hard to come by, 2 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,717 but that doesn't make it okay for you 3 00:00:08,758 --> 00:00:11,386 to take your pants off in a Verizon store. 4 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:15,181 $700 and time served. 5 00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:16,850 Ugh! Comic-Con. 6 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:20,520 Please say the next case is a good old public urination. 7 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,355 -Does it count as public urination 8 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:25,358 if the person doing it thinks they're invisible? 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,694 -Oh. How embarrassing. We're wearing the same thing. 10 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:31,114 Except you went to law school and I stole mine from Dry Bar! 11 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:35,076 -Heather, so glad you're here! Take five, everybody. 12 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,953 -Get over here, you! 13 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,204 -Oh! -Oh. 14 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,457 Okay, okay. Put me down. 15 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:44,336 Everybody, this is Heather. She's my oldest friend. 16 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,756 We met on the first day of kindergarten. She was 10. 17 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,967 -I've wanted to visit Abby since she moved here. 18 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:54,888 I'm dyingto try New York's famous Nashville hot chicken. 19 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:58,266 -Always a pleasure meeting people from Abby's hometown. 20 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,643 You're all so annoyingly outgoing. 21 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,521 And possibly inbred. 22 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:08,026 -Ooh! And check you out, Miss Big Time Blazer. 23 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,403 I bet you watch the news. 24 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,239 -I bet you've been onthe news. 25 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:16,159 -I have. I fell in a gorilla pit. 26 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:19,746 -Oh, my God! You were Baby Heather! 27 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,164 You still look the same. 28 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,417 -That's because a lot of these are still baby teeth. 29 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,462 -We should get back to work. I'll get you the keys 30 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,089 so you can drop your stuff off at my place. 31 00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:30,465 -No need. I'm good. 32 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:34,427 They let you in anywhere if you say you smell gas. 33 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,721 -That's my friend Heather. [ Chuckles ] 34 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:39,099 Isn't she fun? 35 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,267 -Oh, my God. You hate her. 36 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,271 -What?! No! We've been friends forever! 37 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,357 She gave me my very first piercing... 38 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,985 which led to my secondtetanus shot. 39 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,489 -No. You hate her. 40 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:58,451 The lifeless laugh, the fake, phony "fun." 41 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,120 -That wasn't fake or phony. 42 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:01,913 -Ah. Ice cream. -Fun! 43 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,081 -Puppies. -Fun! 44 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,124 -Heather. 45 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,084 -Fun. 46 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,253 -You dohate her! 47 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,339 Fun! 48 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,093 -See, when hesays it, I believe it. 49 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:21,766 ** 50 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,981 -This is nonsense. 51 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,524 -I don't know, Dan. 52 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,652 You think you'd be a hot catch with these lady nerds. 53 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,821 You look like a rich wizard. 54 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:39,409 -What kind of stunted man-child goes in for this kind of stuff? 55 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:47,709 -One who's seen the world for what it really is. 56 00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:51,254 Morpheus. From "The Matrix." 57 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,007 -Good God. You're one of them. 58 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,342 I mean, that's surprising. 59 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:58,303 You present as a person who's had sex. 60 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,181 -If you don't think these people are having sex, 61 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:02,932 you don't know Comic-Con. 62 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,394 For five days, the horniest indoor kids in the galaxy 63 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,855 gathered to dress up and bed down. 64 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,233 And since this is my first Con since the divorce, 65 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:16,321 I'm ready to show all the ladies we're living in a...stimulation. 66 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,408 -I wish we werein the Matrix. 67 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,411 Learning kung fu is taking forever. 68 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:26,289 -Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me. It's Julianne. 69 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,540 [Hushed] It's Julianne! 70 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:28,917 -You know I don't know who that is. 71 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,669 I just started working here. 72 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,462 -It's a woman Dan prosecuted back in the day 73 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,130 and showed up last year for revenge. 74 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,299 -But I thwarted her efforts to destroy my life 75 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,093 when she saw how sad it was. 76 00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:41,471 -Hey. You'll find love someday. I mean, look at me. 77 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,056 I bounced back after my dalliance 78 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:44,182 with Christopher Meloni. 79 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,558 -You dated Christopher Meloni? 80 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,561 -Our connection was deeper than that. 81 00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,188 He shadowed me for his greatest role. 82 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,650 I assume you're familiar with "Bailiff: The Musical"? 83 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:56,027 The nudity was my idea. 84 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,154 -Shut up. Shut up. Where did she go? Where's Julianne? 85 00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,823 -Dan Fielding. -[ Yelps ] 86 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,119 -Well. Hi, Julianne. [ Clears throat ] 87 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,664 What brings you here? Hopefully through a metal detector. 88 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,041 -I'm just visiting the new man in my life. 89 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,710 He's very attentive. 90 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,753 You know, constant check-ins, wants to know where I'm going, 91 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,590 who I'm seeing... what's in my urine. 92 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,092 -So he's your parole officer? 93 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:21,678 -Ah, it's too soon to put a label on it. 94 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,222 -Ah. And how good is he at monitoring your access 95 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,934 to things that might -- what's the word -- explode me? 96 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:31,146 -Dan, you have nothing to worry about. 97 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,522 I mean, where is the fun 98 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,483 in ruining a life that's already in shambles? 99 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:36,901 -You have some nerve. 100 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:40,071 I'll have you know this man's life is robust. 101 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,490 He was a judge in his beloved New Orleans, 102 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:44,034 and he happens to be best friends 103 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,910 with someone who was the inspiration 104 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:49,664 for one of Christopher Meloni's greatest Broadway triumphs! 105 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,626 -Well, Dan! 106 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:56,296 I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. 107 00:04:56,338 --> 00:05:00,800 Now maybe we canhave some fun together after all. 108 00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,969 [ Laughs evilly ] 109 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,973 -You know, she could be laughing at something else. 110 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,683 -Oh. Where are my manners? 111 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:12,020 Julianne. I'm gonna ruin Dan's life. 112 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,733 -And...selfie! [ Camera shutter clicks ] 113 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,943 -You know, you don't have to say "selfie" every time. 114 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,821 -So what do you two country mice got planned for the big city? 115 00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,656 -Who knows? When Heather's around, 116 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,033 it's always an adventure. 117 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,826 One minute, we're getting cupcakes, the next, 118 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,703 we're at an underground club called "Oontz." 119 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,747 -It's named after the song. You know the one? 120 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,165 * Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz * 121 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,502 -Yeah. She knows the song. She knows the song. 122 00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,295 -You went to an underground club? 123 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,089 You ask them to turn down the music 124 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:42,133 and crank up the lights at Outback. 125 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,844 -No one could hear my Crocodile Dundee impression. 126 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,721 -Aww! Do it! 127 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,515 -[As Mick Dundee] That's not a knife! 128 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,308 -Isn't that bad? 129 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,728 -[Normal voice] See? That's why Heather's the best. 130 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,689 She tells it like it is and really pushes me 131 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,190 out of my comfort zone. 132 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,067 I lovethat about her. 133 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,697 -Then you are gonna love what I have planned for tonight. 134 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,950 I'm gonna take you on a midnight helicopter tour 135 00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:08,535 of Manhattan. 136 00:06:08,576 --> 00:06:13,415 And I got a deal because the helicopter doesn't have lights! 137 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,125 I'll text the "pilot." 138 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,584 -Why are you using air quotes? 139 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,586 -Cause he's in the air. 140 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,383 -Why are you putting up with this person 141 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,801 you have nothing in common with? 142 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,387 -You call 30 years of friendship nothing in common? 143 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,055 You know, if it wasn't for Heather, 144 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,391 I never would have tried Wild Cherry Pepsi. 145 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:32,851 And thanks to those Pepsi points, 146 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,061 I got to meet Ray Charles. 147 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,896 -Okay. Well, have fun. 148 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,481 It's a good thing you two are so close, 149 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,608 since you'll be sharing an urn when they can't figure out 150 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,485 how to separate your ashes. 151 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,117 -So, how was your helicopter trip with Heather? 152 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:51,703 -Had its moments!! 153 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,538 Nothing makes you appreciate the ground 154 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,041 like plummeting towards it!! 155 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,501 -You know you're not on the helicopter anymore, right? 156 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,255 -In a lot of ways, I'll always be on it. 157 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,175 But all in all, it was fun. 158 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:07,385 -There it is again. That fake, phony "fun." 159 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,054 The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet. 160 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,848 -Okay! You're right! I admit it! I don't like her! 161 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:16,519 This friendship should have ended a long time ago. 162 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,480 I guess now I have to go tell someone 163 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,148 that I've known for three decades, 164 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,318 "Well, oops. Turns out you've always sucked." 165 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,487 -Wait. You're -- You're just gonna tell her? 166 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:28,990 Like, with your mouth? That's sick, you sicko! Just ghost her. 167 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,700 -And just never talk to her again? 168 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,494 Wait. Are people doing this all the time? 169 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,995 -I don't know. Ask 'em. 170 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,748 If they don't respond, then, yeah, they're doing it. 171 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,043 -Hey, "Scabs"! -Heh-heh. 172 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,671 Look at you, dusting off the old nicknames. 173 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,507 -She had eczema. She wore a turtleneck all summer. 174 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:49,928 Then I came up with the name "Scabs," and everyone laughed. 175 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,846 -[ Chuckles ] So, uh, you think you're gonna 176 00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:54,849 leave first thing tomorrow to get a jump on the traffic or...? 177 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,977 -Actually... Excuse me. 178 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,939 There's something I needed to talk to you about. 179 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,024 Last night, when you were clinging to me 180 00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:06,695 in that helicopter, I realized something. 181 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,571 I miss this. 182 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:12,325 My boyfriend, Ronald, doesn't get me. 183 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,787 He says I dream too big and snore too wet. 184 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:22,335 So I'm breaking up with him and moving in with you! Yay! 185 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,504 -Yee-hee-hee! 186 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,923 [Strained] I don't know what to say. 187 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,928 -Because it's hard to say all the curse words at once? 188 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,264 -Ooh! Batman! I'm gonna go talk to him. 189 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:37,100 I heard he's rich and a big ol' freak. 190 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,061 -So, it says here you were charged 191 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:43,148 with sneaking into Comic-Con without a ticket. 192 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,735 -Not me. Him. 193 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,111 -Back here. 194 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,781 -You guys must have a close relationship. 195 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,992 What's your secret? -The important thing 196 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,411 is knowing what you're getting into. 197 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,246 -You said it, brother. 198 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,582 15 Comic-Cons ago, I agreed to this costume. 199 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:04,878 Haven't looked back. Or forward. It's best to just look down. 200 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,797 -I have to say -- it's nice to see two friends 201 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,674 that are totally in sync. 202 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,509 But, still, one of you is trespassing. 203 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,262 So, next time, cover your ass. 204 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,930 [ Cellphone dings ] 205 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,810 -No! My sitter for Comic-Con just bailed! 206 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,564 Gurgs... 207 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:27,108 is there any way you'd babysit? 208 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,819 -[ Laughs ] You can't afford me. 209 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,656 Why not just bring the girls to Comic-Con? They'll love it. 210 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,949 -Of course they will. It's -- 211 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,618 It's all their fantasies come to life. 212 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:40,580 But I'm trying to make myfantasies come to life. 213 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,708 -Okay, everyone. Stay cool. 214 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,878 Not you. That ship has sailed. 215 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,839 Julianne is back. Catwoman. Second row. 216 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,761 -Hm. She looks different with a bunch of cats on her. 217 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,306 -Not her. Her! 218 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:03,269 -Ooh! That is a quality straitjacket. 219 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,022 Ah! The prisons never let me keep mine. 220 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,362 -Julianne is not gonna make a move in here. 221 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,155 This place is crawling with police officers 222 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:17,992 and a...bunch of other things she should be scared of. 223 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,161 -So as long as you never leave this room, you're safe. 224 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,580 -Oh, right. There's only one problem with that. 225 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,290 I hatethis room. 226 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,961 -I have a better idea. 227 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,797 -This may be some of my finest work. 228 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,052 -Something about this feels familiar. 229 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,809 -I'm not gonna lie, Dan. 230 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,978 This might be the best you've ever looked. 231 00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:46,813 -You know, from the right angle. 232 00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,232 I want to kick my ownass. 233 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,026 -Now to really sell it, remember -- 234 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:54,404 Klingons are a prideful, ruthless, humorless species. 235 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:57,949 So you might want to... not change a thing. 236 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,624 -I don't want to scare you out of moving here, 237 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,836 but I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. 238 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,130 Like, did you know that crime is really up?! 239 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,924 -Good thing your new roomie knows parkour. 240 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,926 If we get attacked in a construction site, 241 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:19,971 things are gonna look real cool real fast. 242 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,016 -Also, it's really expensive here. 243 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,393 -That's where my money-saving tips come in. 244 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,188 You are throwing away good money on toothpaste. 245 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,106 Anything foamy is fine! 246 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:34,944 Oh, my God. I just realized. You don't want me to move here. 247 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:38,114 -Ohh... -You needme to move here. 248 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,993 -Wow. What a roller-coaster ride your brain must be. 249 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,745 [ Cellphone buzzes ] -Oop. Sorry. 250 00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:46,790 I got to take this. It's my ex-boyfriend's mom. 251 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,291 Connie, you were wrong. 252 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,336 I just talked to Scabs, and she loves the idea! 253 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,425 -Hey! Whatcha doin'? 254 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,010 -How long have you been out there? 255 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,471 -Oh, definitely longer than you wish I was. 256 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,224 You're not gonna scare her off. You're too nice. 257 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,892 I saw you reconstruct a spider web. 258 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:08,186 -How would you like it if youcame home from work 259 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,897 and yourhouse was destroyed? 260 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,440 -Just leave this to me. 261 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,859 Who's ready to get wild in the Windy City? 262 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,277 -That's Chicago. 263 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,698 -Ugh. Climate change. Ever heard of it? Egh. 264 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,326 -Ah, wish we could, but Scabs and I are stuck at work. 265 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:27,205 But if you really want to get wild, go where the locals go. 266 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,998 Port Authority bus terminal. -Ooh! 267 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,542 -It's like a rave mixed with a prison riot, 268 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,837 a fight club, and surprisingly good pretzels. 269 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,631 -I'm in. See ya later, Super Mario. 270 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:40,093 Another fun nickname I gave her in high school. 271 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,887 -"Super Mario" Overalls? -No. 272 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,014 -Red hat? -No. 273 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,016 -Mustache? -Yep. 274 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:50,020 -What's your plan for human? Meat or pets? 275 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,604 Hold it right there! 276 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:54,190 [ Camera shutter clicks ] 277 00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,734 -No! 278 00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:59,738 Um, hello. For the very first time. 279 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,533 -Sorry. Y-You go ahead. I'm just waiting for this guy 280 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:06,327 that I'm gonna psychologically destroy. 281 00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:08,830 -Ah. 282 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,498 Just out of curiosity... 283 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,085 What do you plan on doing 284 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,713 to this unfortunate, but I'm going to assume 285 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:19,090 devastatingly handsome fellow? 286 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,593 -Oh, I like to stick to the classics. 287 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,470 Arson. Identity theft. 288 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,431 Framing him for a multimillion-dollar art heist. 289 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,266 [ Growls ] -Ah, when the real heist 290 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,935 is what those guys get paid for their art, right? 291 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,395 I mean, congratulations. 292 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,564 You took a lovely piece of marble for a statue 293 00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,733 that could have been a great countertop. 294 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,361 -Yeah. Funny. I hate art, too. 295 00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,614 But I never say anything because it makes me sound crazy. 296 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:47,660 -I don't think you're crazy. Art is dumb. 297 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:48,912 -Julianne. 298 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,456 -Oh. They call me...Maltz. 299 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,043 She had no idea who I was. 300 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,170 Our eyes met. Our hands touched. 301 00:13:57,212 --> 00:14:00,215 Our blood stayed inside our bodies. 302 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,008 You know, Julianne is quite lovely 303 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,219 when she's not hell-bent on...revenge. 304 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,805 -Just be careful, Dan. I don't want you to end up 305 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,265 head over heels -- in the trunk of her Buick. 306 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,685 -No. That's just the thing. 307 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,604 For one glorious moment, the room faded away 308 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:17,732 and we were just a Klingon and a Catwoman, 309 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,193 as God intended. 310 00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,445 -Well, my Comic-Con is screwed. 311 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,489 I couldn't find a sitter, so now I have to bring my kids 312 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:28,201 because I care about their safety, like an idiot. 313 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,911 -Well, at least you still get to go. 314 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,496 Yeah. Wearing this. 315 00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:35,750 I'm no longer Morpheus, 316 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:38,003 keeper of all the secrets of the Matrix. 317 00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:41,423 I'm Rocky, the worst "PAW Patrol" dog... 318 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:45,677 ...whose power is garbage truck. 319 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,222 -Well, some of us have costumes that women think are cool, 320 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:52,684 so could we -- Woop-woop woop-woop woop woop. 321 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,437 -Haven't heard from Heather. That's a good thing, right? 322 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,856 Maybe she caught a bus to Nashville to try 323 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,108 their famous Philly cheesesteak? 324 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,778 -Or...Wyatt's gonna say this. 325 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,031 -The People vs. Heather Baskets. 326 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:13,288 -Oh, noice! Abby's my judge! 327 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,124 -Two bailiffs? That means she's Double Dangerous, 328 00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,710 which was Christopher Meloni's big number in "Bailiff: The Musical." 329 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,052 -The defendant is charged with illegal gambling 330 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,057 and inciting a riot that led to a bus being lit on fire. 331 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:36,019 -A riot anda bus fire? You were gone for an hour. 332 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,857 -Your Honor, this wide-eyed innocent was lured to New York 333 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,233 by a so-called friend 334 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:45,737 who then abandoned her in her time of need. 335 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,365 -Do you even know what you're talking about? 336 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,408 -Eh, kind of winging it. 337 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,243 -Can we just stick to the facts, please? 338 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,871 -Miss Baskets started a sidewalk casino, 339 00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:58,166 but it was with the best of intentions. 340 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,502 -A bus headed to Atlantic City broke down. 341 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,921 They wanted to gamble. I took some bets. 342 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:07,133 Then they wanted to get paid. Who would have seen thatcoming? 343 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,428 -I don't know. Anyone?! 344 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,223 -Hold on. Are you mad at me, Scabs? 345 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,516 -It's JudgeScab -- 346 00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,976 Judge Stone -- when you're in my court. 347 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,437 -Okay, Dad! 348 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,440 Uh, P.S. -- none of this is even my fault. 349 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,027 -So you did nothing to cause an 80-year-old woman 350 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:27,821 to throw a lit cigar at a bus? 351 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:30,240 -For the record, the cigar was thrown into a garbage can, 352 00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:32,158 and then the garbage can was thrown at the bus. 353 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286 -Yeah, Abby. -Not on your side. 354 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,288 -This is just like that time in third grade 355 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,998 when you got all mad at me 'cause I told you 356 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,335 the only way to win at dodgeball was to catch it with your mouth. 357 00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,380 -I got athlete's mouth because of you! 358 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,508 And a lot has changed since then. 359 00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,844 For instance, I'm a judge and you're a criminal. 360 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,470 -Alleged! 361 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,473 Although that seems beside the point now. 362 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,851 -I know that what I did wasn't technically legal, 363 00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,895 but I was pushing boundaries -- like I do with you. 364 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,481 It's why we're friends, and you love that about me. 365 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,693 -I don'tlove that about you. I don't even like you! 366 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,322 -But I'm Baby Heather! 367 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:16,494 -Your Honor, in light of this contentious discourse, 368 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,790 I'm wondering if maybe you would consider recusing yourself. 369 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,208 -Oh, ya think?! 370 00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,756 So, looks like the trial is gonna be tomorrow. 371 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,341 Don't worry. You're in front of Judge Mulaney. 372 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,717 He's a horrible misogynist, 373 00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:33,678 but he believes women can't commit crimes. 374 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,513 -Do judges always come down here 375 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,641 to personally deliver news to alleged criminals? 376 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,019 Or were you coming to say you're sorry? 377 00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:44,356 -I am not, but I do wish the truth came out differently. 378 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,524 Not in an open court and not at the volume 379 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,943 I reserve for yelling, "Encore!" at the Rockefeller Center 380 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,528 Christmas tree lighting. 381 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,656 -I've been thinking. City living might not be for me. 382 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:56,034 You would not believe what I just paid this guy 383 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,745 for dru-u-u-umsticks. 384 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:03,625 -I don't see any drumsticks. -I did them all. 385 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:08,171 -Heather, you're gonna have a lot of fun in your life, 386 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,924 and I can't wait to not be involved. 387 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,467 -Well, B.T. Dubs... 388 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,886 you really let me have it in front of your work friends. 389 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:18,431 Guess old Heather got you out of your comfort zone after all. 390 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,809 You're welcome, Scabs. 391 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,061 -Well, let's get you back in there. 392 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,521 -Alright. 393 00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:28,233 -So, uh, how about we put on a sorting hat 394 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,611 and see what house we're going back to -- yours or mine. 395 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:36,282 That would have worked if I was dressed as Morpheus! 396 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,124 -Okay, Wyatt. I'm coming to Comic-Con. 397 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:46,459 -Trinity! Nice! 398 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,503 -I'll take your kids to the "PAW Patrol" panel 399 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,296 while Morpheus looks for "The One"... 400 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,007 who will have sex with him. 401 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,508 [ Laughs ] 402 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,552 But you got to make it back before Chris Meloni 403 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:56,803 shows up to sign posters for 404 00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,596 "Bailiff: The Musical: The Movie." 405 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,349 He and I have unfinished business. 406 00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,602 -You know, when I came here tonight, 407 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:08,148 the last thing I expected was to find someone like you. 408 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,150 Oh, I'd love to see you again. 409 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,651 -Oh, I'd like that, too. 410 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,361 Maybe at a masquerade ball. 411 00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:15,780 Or a year-round Halloween store. 412 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,743 Or -- Ooh! Immediately after your cataract surgery. 413 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:23,121 -Or maybe we don't wait. You know, let's -- 414 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,957 let's just get out of these ridiculous costumes 415 00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,292 and get into a bed. 416 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,002 I want to see allof you. 417 00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:32,005 -Oh, yes. Julianne. I want to -- I want to show you all of me. 418 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:36,009 But there's something y-you should know. 419 00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,677 I'm hideous. 420 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,930 -I don't care about looks. 421 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:44,642 I mean, take the guy that I came here to destroy, for example. 422 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,062 You know, he's handsome. Great dresser. 423 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:50,190 Your build and shoe size. 424 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,900 Same hands. 425 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,362 And when he's scared, 426 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,530 he lets out this signature little yelp. 427 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,907 -[ Yelps ] -It's you! 428 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:01,117 -Yeah. Sorry. Wait, wait. Please. 429 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,494 I didn't mean to trick you! 430 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,496 I just didn't want you to murder me! 431 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,624 Then we started talking, and I didn't want that to end either. 432 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:09,668 So I just kept going, and now you probably 433 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,836 want to revenge me even more than you did before. 434 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,173 So whatever it is, please just do it quick! 435 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,841 [ Grunts ] 436 00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:22,681 Am I dead? 437 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:27,769 -I have feelings that I-I can't explain. 438 00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:30,563 I-I don't want revenge anymore. 439 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,565 I don't want to play cat-and-mouse 440 00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:34,651 with detectives at the end of their rope 441 00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:37,070 or cut my parole officer's hair while he's asleep 442 00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:40,490 so that he steadily goes bald and never knows why. 443 00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:45,704 I only want...Dan. 444 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,956 -I don't know what to say. 445 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:51,710 T-There are no words in Klingon for what I'm feeling. 446 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,421 I assume. I did no research. 447 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:57,173 But I need to take it slow. How about dinner next week? 448 00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:58,717 -Oh, next week is bad. 449 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,052 Um, how about four to six months? 450 00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,137 -What? 451 00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:05,223 -Ugh! This guy is obsessed with me. 452 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:08,101 So, I burned an improv theater to the ground. 453 00:21:08,143 --> 00:21:11,187 You know, any one of you would have done the same thing! 454 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,524 Wait for me, Dan! 455 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,484 And I'm not asking. 456 00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:20,864 -What just happened? -Forget it, Maltz. 457 00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:22,449 -It's Comic-Con. 458 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:28,663 -[Echoing] C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n! 459 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:32,000 It's funny.