-Given these cans are full of steroids,
I have a hard time buying your physique is simply a result
of "clean living and spinach."
-Uh, Your Honor, I wish I had more of a defense,
but his statement simply reads,
"I'm strong to the finich 'cause I eats me spinach.
Ah-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh-guh-guh."
-Why do you talk like that? -[ Hoarsely ] It's the 'roids.
Guh-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh.
-Six months' probation and $1,000 fine.
Maybe work in a leg day.
-[ Sighs ] Your Honor, this is rough.
It's the first time I've been in a relationship
during Fleet Week.
[ Weakly ] Oh, my God.
-I thought you and the duke agreed that you could look
as long as you don't ask permission to come aboard.
-But he's in England,
and all these tight-pants heroes are within pouncing distance.
Oh, the pheromones are too much. [ Gasps ] I got to take a walk.
-Which briefcase should I buy? -That one's cute.
-Oh, yeah? Good. I'll buy the other one.
-You can spend that kind of money on a briefcase?
Give me the cash, and I'll make you one.
There's an alligator in holding.
-I need a new briefcase
to hold all the money I'm gonna make.
I finally got a seat in the secret Fleet Week poker game.
-That poker game is Navy only. How'd you get in?
-Because, unlike you, I have friends in high places.
-I believe he's talking about God.
-No, no, no. I'm talking about you.
You got me a seat at the poker game.
because of your Navy experience.
I can't wait to play some cards.
-Cards? We're playing volleyball.
Wait a minute. Ho, ho. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Sorry.
You said you could get me a seat at the Fleet Week poker game
because you served in the good old Navy.
-No. I said I served for the good Old Navy store.
On their volleyball team.
I was stationed at the Paramus Mall.
-Why would you phrase it as "the good old Navy"?
-Because the bad Old Navy was on the first floor
by the Sbarro.
Come on, Dan! Get your head out your ass!
-So when you said that you had fought in a Banana Republic --
-It was Black Friday.
We lost a lot of good men that day.
[ Theme music plays ]
**
Judge, I-I'm going to say something
because I need to get fired.
Emily Blunt was a better Mary Poppins.
-You are so fired!
What's going on?
-The next defendant is Jasmine Jennings.
She's the head of the PTA at my daughter's school,
and I'd rather not be standing next to the person
who might find her guilty.
-You're scared of a school mom?
You didn't bat an eye at that guy shaving a cantaloupe.
-I don't bother Glenn. Glenn doesn't bother me.
Jasmine Jennings steamrolls anything in her path.
And I don't want to be flat, Abby.
Being three-dimensional is a big part of who I am.
-Can't wait to meet her. Jasmine Jennings, come on down!
-Hello! Hello, hello.
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
Wyatt Shaw?
I didn't know you worked nights!
This is why you show up at drop-off in your jammies.
I have court. We'll catch up later.
Thank you, thank you!
FYI -- Bradley Cooper is a dad at my school,
and he willsing a song on my behalf.
-The defendant is charged
with operating an unlicensed food stand.
-I was raising money for the school basketball team,
so I set up an itty-bitty bake sale.
-In the main concourse of Madison Square Garden
during a Knicks game,
blocking the entrance to multiple restrooms...
with this.
-[ Gasps ] Shot Clock Showdown?!
Never wanted to commandeer something so bad in my life.
-Your Honor, my client was merely
trying to raise money for children.
Who doesn't love children?
-You.
And me.
-If I don't raise money for basketball,
some kids might not make the team.
Some kids might end up in art club...with Jeremy M.
-M. Woof. I can tell that's not the Jeremy you want.
-All right. I'm gonna say guilty.
Ten hours' community service.
-But I already do community service.
My foundation provides nose jobs for at-risk youth.
-Got it. Not all giving is good.
All right.
I'm going to take a recess so I can go get some quarters.
I mean... go to my judge's quarters.
-Don't worry. I'm banned from MSG too.
Apparently, they got a lot of rules about touching Beyoncé.
**
-Well, thanks for the pretzel.
I'd love to stay and chat,
but you answer to the call of the sea.
And I answer to the call of the mustard.
-Getting free stuff from sailors, huh?
-Look, I'm saving up to buy an apartment,
and every little bit helps.
I'm not proud of this. -Oh, there's no shame in it.
People like us should never have to pay for anything.
-People like us?
-Drop the act, Olivia.
We're both hotties.
Your problem is you're thinking small potatoes.
Watch and learn. [ Clears throat ]
I'm a wittle hungwy.
Thank you, honey.
-I guess the poker game's off.
We lost the basement of the drama bookstore.
Lin-Manuel Miranda's workshopping a new production.
This one's about George Hamilton --
also never a president.
-Excuse me. Are you talking about the Fleet Week poker game?
-We can't tell you. You're the law.
-Uh, n-no. I'm a law-yer.
I have no allegiance to the law.
Oh, if you lost your poker room,
I will not rest until I find you a place to play.
And all I ask in return is for you to help me fulfill
my lifelong dream of playing cards for the first time.
-You got a deal.
As long as you promise not to take all our money!
[ Laughs ] -Take -- No! Come on!
[ Laughs ] I got an in on the poker game.
I need you to unlock the basement.
-I'm not gonna help you take money
from a bunch of hot servicemen. -Fine, fine.
If you're not gonna do it for me, well...
do it for your boyfriend, the duke.
There's no greater test of your commitment to him
than being locked in a sweltering basement
with a bunch of muscle-bound men who are good at taking orders.
-Is one of them named Bodhi?
And does he have hands that look like they can fix stuff?
-All six-foot-five of him. -Too tall.
-All six-foot-two of him. -Mm.
-But come on. Bodhi doesn't matter, right?
You love the duke. Or...do you?
Only way to really find out
is to let me host the poker game in the basement.
-Damn it, Fielding. You're right.
And by the way, the basement's never locked.
**
-I hope my ruling against Jasmine yesterday
didn't make drop-off awkward.
-Nope. Smooth as silk.
The material, not the nut milk,
which Jasmine banned because the name is too sexy for children.
-She's just a basic bully.
Just got to put them in their place and they back right down.
-Yeah.
Let's live in a world where that's true
for the next two seconds.
[ Machine beeping, chiming ]
-What is all this? -Game over!
-W-What?
She's doing her community service here?
-Wyatt! Thank goodness you're here.
Weare low on lemon bars.
Thank you, thank you.
-She's made a mockery of my ruling.
And even worse, she's weaponized lemon bars.
-Holding a bake sale in my courthouse
is not community service.
She should be cleaning a highway,
maybe even meeting a biker guy who makes her realize
that even though they're from different worlds, love ain't.
-Just write it already.
The world needs to see "Love Ain't."
-I don't have time, Wyatt. I need to put a stop to this.
-Couldn't agree more.
I didauthorize it.
-Why would you say yes to this? -I didn't say yes.
She just put it out there, then said it was for the kids
and thank you-thank you'ed me.
-You can't let her steamroll you, Wyatt.
You have to stand up for yourself.
-It's go time! [ Machine chimes ]
-If you don't want to listen to me,
listen to Shot Clock Showdown.
-Fine.
I guess it's go time.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]
About those bars.
I don't think I'm gonna make them.
-He's heating up!
-But you're the sugar daddy. -I'm not doing it.
-Rejection!
-This isn't laid-back, pajamas- in-the-drop-off-line Wyatt.
-No it's not.
This is all-business, hard-pants Wyatt!
-Boom! Personal growth! [ Machine beeps ]
-Did that last one seem weird to anyone else?
-I guess I'll just find someone else to make lemon bars.
Thank you.
-What...have I done?
**
-[ Chuckles ] Well!
As the cop said to the draft-dodging hippie,
"I'm taking the pot!"
-Damn. It's hotter than the top half of a mermaid in here.
-Who's thirsty? I've got regular lemonade and hard...
body.
Calm down, girls. You can do him -- it!
-I'm out of cash. Can I bet my dead dad's watch?
-We're all friends here. I don't see why...
you didn't bury this with him.
-Dan. -What?
Uh, ante up. I'll be right back.
What? What? -What the hell, Dan?
You're taking all their money.
This is lower than when you locked Flobert in the morgue.
-Oh, please. That was part of a prank war.
I'm his Clooney.
And this is about more than money.
This is my way into the secret New York poker circuit.
You got high-stakes games at Gracie Mansion,
the Yankee clubhouse --
Joy Behar's game in Whoopi's dressing room.
-Huh?! Wha-- Sorry. I... It's hard to hear over his abs.
You got to give these guys back their money.
-All right. Fine. I'll give them back their money.
All right, guys. Here. Look.
A hundred dollars for whoever has the most tattoos.
Now, listen. I would take your word for it.
But my friend here... has to see it.
-Why are they always in the sexiest places?
Ooh.
I can't.
**
-If you're gonna be a professional mooch,
you'll have to master more than just flirting.
There's also persuasion.
Guilt.
Some people can be instantly hypnotized.
Sleep! [ Fingers snap ]
Okay. You're not one of them.
-Look.
Your idea to get free clothes by impersonating a mannequin
is great.
But it's small potatoes. Where are the big potatoes?
-It takes years to work up to the big potatoes.
-But I need a new apartment now,
and no one will give me a wittle down payment.
-I've got your down payment right here.
I knew a man who started with a paper clip
and traded his way up to a house.
And that man's name was Murray Flobert.
It wasn't me. It's just a wild coincidence.
-This better work,
because I'm beginning to feel like a woman
who started with a pretzel and ended up with a paper clip.
-Hey, Mr. Hard Pants.
No one's ever talked to me that way, and I didn't like it.
I loved it.
-You did? -Let me show you how much.
-[ Gasps ]
-Hey, I got quarters for the -- ho-o-ly Shot Clock Showdown.
-Flobert! Look. [ Bell chimes ]
I traded up to a scooter. -Oh!
Hey! -[ Laughs ]
Paper clip to slice of pizza to air fryer
and then back to paper clip, which I used to pick the lock
on the evidence room, where I found this.
-I'm proud of you!
But look what my paper clip turned into.
[ Grunts ] H-H-Hey!
-So when you said big potatoes,
you meant actual literal potatoes.
-My ship's finally come in.
The trick now is making sure the IRS doesn't find out.
-You know, when I said stand up to her,
I knew you'd get in her face.
I just didn't know you'd get inher face.
-This is bad.
I was trying to free myself from this woman,
and now I'm in even deeper.
-It was one kiss.
-I'm the Pringles of people.
Once you pop, you just don't stop.
-This is for you.
It's the only package I'm allowed to handle.
Oh!
-Amazon Prime? What'd I get?
Who sent me a tie?
-You're welcome, you're welcome.
That came fast.
So, I've been thinking.
You're a stripes guy now.
It's a good power look for your upcoming interviews.
-Uh, my what? -For your new job, silly.
How am I supposed to introduce you?
"This is my lover, Wyatt.
He works with a bunch of losers at a dump."
-I don't care for your choice of words,
but that is one dynamite blazer.
-Oh. I just noticed Amber didn't heart my text.
I have to destroy her. BRB.
-Starting to think you shouldn't have kissed her.
Just tell her it was a mistake. Women love that.
-If I do that, I'll be chaperoning dances
for the rest of my life.
I can't be learning eighth-grade slang when I'm 70.
No. I'll stick it out till my kids are in college,
and I'll never have to know what the future version of "sus" is.
But I bet it's probably "florg."
-So, I'm thinking for your next phase,
we do finance or international finance.
-Finance?
I thought being a lawyer was a true passion of yours.
But what do I know?
The only thing I've done with your mouth is listen to it.
-Wyatt, can you just tell your little bossy-boss
that you love all my plans for us?
Thank you, thank you.
-I just remembered -- I got to go feed my birds.
[ Chuckles ] Birds, right?
Always eating in the middle of conversations
you definitely want to have.
**
-Gentlemen, I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to fold --
all this cash in my pocket!
-Ugh!
-Boys, I've now been hypnotized by Flobert,
and I am no longer susceptible to your charms.
And...it's super not working.
-Oh, speaking of working!
Gurgs, if you and your Taser will escort me to the ATM
so I can deposit all this money, there might be a special...
high five in it for you.
Dan, I know there's nothing I can say
to get you to walk away from this game.
So I brought a ringer to send you packing.
-What? What do you mean, a ringer?
What... [ Chuckles ]
Ol-- Olivia.
-In law school, I paid for my tuition by playing poker.
-Great.
So you wiped the floor with some pimply-faced law students?
-Actually, it was the Deep Stack Poker Extravaganza in Vegas.
Three years in a row.
Had to give it up 'cause I had a problem.
With the Russian mafia.
-Don't you worry.
I'm not gonna let that mean lady hurt you.
**
-I won't take up much of your time.
We're both very busy people.
Something you should know if you want to pick a fight --
I always win. -Oh, yeah?
Well, something youshould know. We're not both busy people.
I was drawing my dream cat.
-It's socute. -I know, right?
It's got this cute little heart nose and -- Wait a minute!
We're in a fight, and I'm not afraid of you.
-You sound just like Ella FitzMarcus.
Before me, she ruled the PTA because every year
she got Al Roker to narrate our holiday pageant.
Until the year that Al didn't show
because his new Italian chauffeur got lost.
How'd I know that Al's chauffeur was Italian?
A-beats a-me.
-Mamma mia.
-So...thank you, thank you.
-No, thank you, no, thank you.
Let me tell you a story about another bully I knew.
That bully's name was my entire sixth-grade basketball team.
And also some of the parents.
Whenever I went to shoot, they'd all yell, "No!"
'cause they thought I'd miss.
-In case it wasn't clear, I was the chauffeur in my story.
-We're on my story now.
I spent that entire season on the bench,
but I practiced every chance I got.
And when it was time for the division finals
and half the team was out with mono because of a game
of spin-the-bottle I was excluded from,
they had no choice but to put me in.
And when everyone shouted, "No," I made that shot.
Turns out it was in the wrong basket.
That's why they were shouting.
But the point is... I don't back down.
-So you've always been a loser.
Great story. Kind of knew the ending.
Too bad for you... I don't lose.
-You lost in my courtroom. -That was rigged.
You were the judge, and no one wins in fluorescent lighting.
-All right. Let's play on your turf.
Shot Clock Showdown.
I'm gonna beat you for Ella and Al Roker
and every single mother you crushed over the years.
-You're on.
Oh, and by the way, I also have a basketball story.
I won a national championship with UConn.
-All right. So you're both all in, huh?
I'll tell you what. It's my call. All in.
-Ha! Queen-high straight.
-Beats my two pair. -Yeah. Well, you know what?
I hate to inform you. The queen is dead.
Long live the king... high straight.
Oh, money? Come here. Daddy missed you.
-Hold on. Hold on.
This guy's two pair is really good.
It's 3s...and 3s.
Ha! That's four of a kind.
-[ Laughs ] -Oh, my God. I win!
I can finally afford to fix the typos in my back tattoo.
Thanks for your help. Here's a watch.
Good luck with your horniness.
-[ Chuckles, gasps ]
Hold on. It's after midnight.
Fleet Week is over and I didn't lick one sailor.
-Let's see how you do next week during WrestleMania.
-Mamma mia.
-Come quick!
The judge is about to play some mom in Shot Clock Showdown!
-Hundred dollars on the mom? -Yeah. I'll take that action.
You got 100 bucks? -I got a paper clip.
**
[ Applause, game beeping ]
-She's on fire!
-Don't do this. You can't beat her.
I stood up to Jasmine once, and now I have to memorize
a list of acceptable talking points
because this weekend, I'm meeting her parents.
But I do think it will help me talk to Dan.
-You wish.
-So she played for UConn. That's ancient history.
-She only stopped playing pro a couple years ago
after winning her third Olympic gold.
[ Machine chimes, buzzer sounds ]
-Twenty points! Unbeatable!
[ Machine chimes ]
-Feel that? That's how Lithuania felt.
-Potatoes!
Get your big potatoes here!
-Judge, if you think you can do this...
I believe in you.
-Wyatt, that's very sweet of you.
But that's the last thing I need.
My game was built on people not believing in me.
-Abby, just know I'm here for you.
I am behind you zero percent!
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
**
-Boo!
[ Crowd shouting ]
**
[ Crowd gasps, murmurs ]
[ Down-tempo music plays ]
**
-[ Voice distorted ] No!
**
[ Buzzer sounds ]
-Unbelievable!
Your negativity made her stronger.
-Hey. I just want to say... you owe me five bucks.
-Oh, no. I-I hope this doesn't mean
we'll have to take a rain check on meeting your parents.
-I'm taking a rain check on everything.
I need to focus on my basketball.
I just lost to a four-foot civil servant shooting a potato!
-Thanks for sticking by me.
-Aw, no need to thank me.
-And you did inspire me to stand up for myself.
I think I deserve a raise.
[ Machine chimes ] -Awkward.
-Someone unplug that thing.
-It wasunplugged the whole time.
-That's night court, baby! [ Machine chimes ]