♪
Oh, the courthouse lovers are back.
And they're Lady in the Tramping.
I think I liked it better when they were open-mouthed kissing.
Is this what it takes to fall in love?
I have to suck a wet noodle from someone's mouth.
Worst part is, we're not serving spaghetti,
so they had to bring that from home.
When I say "Hock," you say "Ey."
Hock! - Ey!
- Hock! - I'd keep going,
but I can feel the way Dan's looking at me.
We have tickets to a Ranger game.
Great. Otherwise, that chant would have been stupid.
Abby got us these jerseys.
"Your name"? See you shelled out to personalize it.
The web site was very confusing.
I also ordered a ton of jockstraps without realizing it.
They also say "your name."
I've got some exciting plans, too.
When I say "I'm," I say "leaving."
I'm leaving, I'm leaving.
By the way, the guy over there just stole a tray of croissants,
if you give a puck.
Oh. I got this.
Hey, what do you think you're doing...
not kissing me?
Gurgs, this is why you always have a cold.
Everybody, this is my boyfriend, Alistair Tully,
the Duke of Greybog.
Duke, this is the everybody of night court.
That's night with an N.
Not the kind you're used to with the armor and the dragons.
And is my accent disgusting to you?
Such a pleasure to meet you.
You're all drastically different from what I imagined.
I may look like I'm holding it together,
but inside I'm reeling. - [ Chuckles ]
Oops. I'm stealing something, too.
I hope nobody comes up and kisses me.
Excuse me. I got to go give him a kiss.
Okay.
♪
I do apologize for stealing.
I always forget you have to pay for things.
We royals don't carry money. It's quite traumatizing
trying to make change from your grandmother.
I can't believe you surprised me.
And I can't believe what we did in the ladies' room.
And I can't believe that's what those croissants were for.
[ Laughs ]
I hope you don't mind that I turned up unannounced.
I just thought it would be a nice switch-about
from our monthly island romps.
Monthly? How have you managed to do that
without missing a day of work? - One of the perks
of dating a royal-- we're both assigned body doubles.
And before you ask, yes,
our body doubles have had sex with each other.
Ah. My apologies, My Lord.
I never should have left your side in this dreadful place.
Judge, this is my valet, Duncan.
I have known him since I was in nappies.
He is like a butler to me.
Ah. I'm moved to the brink of emotion.
Oh, good.
I say, I have your schedule with Lady Gurgs.
Tonight, you will enjoy a Michelin star nine-course meal
featuring edible gold and inedible fish.
[ Gasps ] You can't tell which one
is making you nauseous, and that's the excitement of it.
Gurgs, my love, this weekend, we're going to hit the town.
Why does one say that-- "hit the town"?
Has the town been naughty?
Ah! Quite a brilliant observation, sir.
Yes, you're a regular Jerome Seinfeld, as it were.
Yada yada indeed, sir.
Now, shall we get you changed for dinner?
Oh, all right. Uppies!
Yes. Ah!
Oh! All right.
Well, I shall see you presently, my love.
I really like him. And he's such a duke.
I mean, he brings his own tablecloth.
I've been on trips, and I didn't even bring my own toothbrush.
Yeah, he's the best. But if I'm being honest,
there are times when I wish it was just me and Alistair
and not the Duke of Greybog and Lady Gurgs of Hackensack.
I get that.
Back home, I used to walk the mayor's dog.
So, yeah, I've felt the proximity to power, too.
I mean, what am I going to say?
"Let's go to a hockey game instead of a once-in-a-lifetime
dining experience in the Statue of Liberty's torch?"
You could, hockey's great. Has he seen a Zamboni?
It's all the fun of a car with the speed of a lawn mower.
You know, don't even listen to me.
The Duke and I have a good thing going.
It's the type of romance people leave
a supporting role on "Suits" for.
[ Clears throat ] If you won't be needing me,
I'll just bugger on back to the Radisson then.
♪
I don't care how mad you are about taxes,
you can't steal tea from a Starbucks
and dump it in the Hudson. $500 fine.
Well done, my love.
Book that traitor! Clappies, please, Duncan.
Oh, yes.
What's up with that guy? Is he one of those no talky guards?
Look at me. I'm not saying anything.
Well, you should date him, Olivia.
You're perfect for each other.
He doesn't talk, and you don't listen.
You know, I think he might be perfect for me.
He doesn't talk and I don't listen.
I kind of like having these fancy Brits around.
More James Bond, less bail bond.
You know, that one's been giving you dirty
looks all night. - Yeah. What's his problem?
- Maybe he hates your face. - Mm.
Hey, "Remains of the Day," what's your deal?
Well, if you must know,
I hate your stupid face.
I like that he added "stupid."
Any chance would your surname be Elmore?
Elmore? Yes.
It was generations ago, when the UK was relevant.
Oh. Well, in that case, be a good chap and burn in hell,
you traitors pig!
You know, that's the third time somebody called you that today.
But his accent makes me want to know why.
Well, our families have a feud going back centuries.
You see, the Elmores were varlets
to the great houses of England.
That is, until they abandoned their posts shamefully,
like cowards, rather than serve on the front lines.
Let me get this straight. You're mad at me
because my ancestors skipped out on fighting in a war?
I never said "fight."
I said "serve."
You Elmores ran away,
leaving our boys with no desserts.
Those tummy rumbles shall follow you to your grave.
[ Chuckles ]
That is the rudest waiter I've ever met.
♪
Ooh! Cappuccino jellybean,
you are guilty of being delicious.
I'm throwing you in the slammer.
[ Jellybean clatters ]
We got a runner. Oh.
Sorry to interrupt during meal time.
Five-second rule. It's my last cappuccino.
Indeed. Have you seen Gurgs?
We have a dinner date and her carriage awaits.
It is a carriage drawn by corgis.
Nothing quite matches the pleasure of being pulled
along by an animal with a one-inch stride.
I'll keep an eye out.
Just so you know, eating off the floor in this country
is totally normal. Ask anyone.
Don't ask anyone.
Well, I think it's tremendous
what you people have done with your freedom.
[ Video game sound effect ]
Is someone playing a video game in this closet?
Gurgs?
Abby? See? I could do it, too.
♪
Love your new place. It's a real fixer-downer.
What's going on? - I don't know.
I'm definitely not hiding from my boyfriend. Ha!
Why would you think that?
Because I'm a little stressed and I need a little break?
You sound crazy.
Good to know it's not that, but if it was
because Alistair showed up unannounced
with a royal entourage and blew up your weekend plans,
I'd understand.
You sure you don't want to just tell him how you feel?
Also, explain that the American five-second rule
is prevailing medical wisdom.
Talking to him won't do any good.
He's a royal. He can't change that.
Okay, but this is not a long-term solution.
I'm worried that fumes from these cleaning supplies
are going to cause brand dimage.
Sorry, I meant to say brain garage.
Maybe I should say something.
I'll just say I need a little less pomp and circumstance.
There you are! Pomp and Circumstance and I
have been worried sick.
What is this ghastly place?
Pomp, Circumstance, shield your eyes.
This is just, um... It's, uh...
Oh, it's my ghastly place. Yeah.
I just come in here and I kick back, put on my hat,
and I drink my...
yogurt?! - Yeah.
Yeah, I love me a nice room temp yog.
How do you Americans select your judges?
Is it by game show?
♪
Hey, soldier, hasn't anyone ever told you
it's not polite to stare?
You know, maybe silence is where emotions truly thrive.
Wow. You are so deep.
Can you believe that British weasel holding a grudge
for something that my family did 300 years ago?
This is America.
A man should be hated based upon his own actions.
I mean, I started as the oil boy
frying beignets at Café Du Monde,
and I've climbed my way up to being a very respected lawyer.
A very employed lawyer.
According to this, some people believe
the Elmores were tricked into abandoning their posts
so the Duncans could steal the best valet jobs.
Golly, so he's saying that my family were sniveling cowards
when all they were were just gullible idiots.
If your family studied for years,
they couldn't rise to the level of gullible idiots.
Where did you get that glove?
- It was in my salad. - Ugh.
With that slap, you've set in motion a series of events
from which you cannot turn back.
Yeah, I know exactly what I did.
What exactly did I do? - [ Muttering ]
You just challenged him to a valet-off.
Oh, my God, it's a duel.
Dan, you might have to kill a guy.
Ah! What?!
Sorry. Should have kept reading.
It's a duel of decorum.
Man, we never get to kill anyone.
Why does slapping people with gloves
always involve me in the stupidest things?
♪
Ah, I see you've moved up from the floor to the bin.
Yes, but I'm eating over the trash, not out of it.
I was hoping for some advice.
I could see that something was bothering Gurgs
at dinner, she hardly cracked a smile at my travel jester.
And I've never seen him smash tomatoes
on his face quite like that.
Um, no. Maybe try to do something more normal.
Like, uh, Gurgs was really looking forward
to going to a hockey game. - Hockey?
The sport we made up to prank Canadians?
You can take my tickets and my jersey.
It says "your name" on the back.
- Oh, my name? - No. "Your name."
- Yes, my name. - No. The words "your name."
- Oh, it says "your name." - It does?
Well, hockey match it is.
I'll have Duncan ready the corgis.
Okay. I feel like you're not totally getting
the concept of normal. - I'm not getting it.
I don't get anything. I just smile and nod
until somebody helps me.
Okay, okay, I'll help you. But I'm warning you.
Once you wade into normal, there is no turning back.
It's gonna suck.
Oh-oh, it's gonna suck real hard.
You think you can handle it, the Duke?
Well, I have to, for Gurgs.
Show me your normal ways, you filthy nobody!
♪
Behold the royal cutlery.
To get a clean spoon, we had to fly it in from England.
You're seriously going through with this valet-off?
Nah, it's not happening.
Apparently you need an impartial judge with royal blood.
Where are we finding one of those in this place?
Good news. I found one of those in this place.
May I present Kenneth, Lord of Devonshire.
[ Imitating trumpet call ]
Kenny? From whom did he descend?
The Dairy Queen?
Turns out he actually has royal blood.
An oracle prophesized he would one day ascend the throne.
So a kindhearted woodsman sent him here
to protect him from his duplicitous uncle.
I like Jell-O.
♪
Look, I simply cannot do another normal thing.
But you're doing great.
You've used a bathroom at a Trader Joe's.
You let a dog sniff you. You let a man sniff you.
That was a man? I rubbed his belly!
Your journey to normal finishes here.
- A dungeon? - Much worse. A subway.
Absolutely not. No!
Beneath the surface of the Earth, my title means nothing.
This is a rat's domain! They serve a different king.
You're scared. And you should be.
You will get bumped into.
You will step in mystery puddles.
You will end up in the background of a TikTok,
and all the comments will be,
"Hey, what's with the weird old lady sucking crumbs
out of a bag of chips? LOL."
And you'll only find out because a group of teens
outside of Shake Shack will yell,
"Hey, old lady, where's your chip bag?"
And that's being normal.
That's where I've seen you.
Your destiny lies beyond that turnstile.
But that filthy thing's touched
every crotch in the city! - Ah.
That's what makes New York the greatest place on Earth.
We're all joined at the crotch.
Okay. Keep walking. I'm teaching a duke a lesson!
Well, all right, at least when it's over,
I'll be on the subway train.
And I assume that's quite lovely.
Yeah, sure.
Oh! That's gone!
That has to be burnt.
It's just a matter of--
I mean, all I have to do is-- I simply--
I mean, it's obvious. I-- No, I can't do it.
I give up, carry me home.
Hey, do it for Gurgs.
Yes.
For Gurgs!
Tally-ho!
Oh! Ohh!
I'm a normal.
♪
Girl, you're missing it.
Dan's getting spanked by the guy he hit
with the rubber glove.
For the napkin challenge, Duncan folded his
into a perfect swan, and Dan's caught fire.
Time for the final challenge.
The English tea service.
You may as well run away.
After all, that is what Elmores do best.
No, Duncan, because the Elmores didn't run then,
and they're not running now.
I am going to stand here and watch you kick my ass
with poise and dignity.
If you cry, I'll clear the room.
We're really pulling for you, Dan. [ Laughs ]
Okay, I'm pulling for you.
We will talk about this in the car.
Elmore, you should know I've never spilled a drop.
At university, I was a starter
on the varsity tea service team as a freshman.
All right, well, let's get this over with.
[ All gasp ]
Oh, my goodness.
What are the odds that I would break it
and then sort of glue it back together again?
The tea is a royal standard 95 degrees Celsius.
Or as you Americans might say, it's freaking hot, bro.
Something you don't know about me, Duncan.
I am the most scalded oil boy in Café Du Monde history.
These hands have been deep fried.
They're nothing but callous, and they feel practically...
nothing.
Paddington's marmalade! How is he doing that?
Hey, watch the crown jewels there, Ringo!
Ah! I have dribbled.
I'm disgraced.
I have lost to an Elmore. I am no more than a buffoon.
Don't look at me!
Aah! - Oh!
Aah!
- I guess you won. - [ Laughs ]
You can probably put the teapot down.
Ah.
I cannot. I think it is a part of me forever.
Thirsty?
♪
Look at this normal guy doing everything
but eating out of the trash.
Gurgs and I are going to have so much fun.
I've even practiced an American laugh.
[ Laughs gutturally ]
Alistair, why are you dressed like that?
Are you pranking Canadians again?
My love, I'm taking you on the date of your dreams--
a subway ride to the Rangers game.
And your friend can even tag along in case
we drop some food on the ground.
Oh, my God, this is.
[ Gasps ] This is-- - Exactly what you wanted?
Uh-huh. Because you changed for me, and that's--
Good? Sweet? Adorable?
All of it. [ Gasps ] I'm not freaking out!
[ Gasping ] My chest is tight because I'm happy!
Ah! I got to go.
Gurgs, come back!
Your dirt friend doesn't need to come with us.
♪
[ Knock on door ]
There's no one here, just us mops.
Think I wouldn't open this door to see talking mops?
What happened back there?
I've never had anyone change like that for me.
But what if he sees the mop closet yogurt junky side of me
and he-- he realizes I wasn't worth changing for?
You know, people are like jelly beans.
When you find your flavor, you love them
even if they're covered in lint
because they've been through the dryer cycle
a couple of times.
You, Gurgs, you're toasted marshmallow.
You're everyone's favorite flavor.
If they don't like you, they can choke on a Tic Tac.
You have to say that. You're my friend.
- But I don't, do I? - Don't listen to me.
Listen to you. - I'm not your mate.
I'm a perfect stranger who had to study you inside and out,
and I think you're a wonderful lady.
Take it from me. You are worth changing for.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Really?
Well, there's something you should know.
This isn't Abby's closet. It's mine.
When the world is too much, I come in here,
play video games, and drink out of this.
No.
We drink out of this. - [ Chuckles ]
- Mm. Oh. - Mm?
I also have an admission.
When I first saw the turnstile,
I thought it might rub my front and my bum at the same time
and I would never want to leave.
Oh, my man is a freak, and I love it. [ Laughs ]
I think we should get out of here
and give these two some privacy.
Oh, sorry, I don't think I got your name.
- Fergs. - Oh, "Furgs" for Fake Gurgs.
For Ferguson. I'm a person, you dumb yank.
♪
It is I, Elmore the Great, strongest of my line,
slayer of simpering sneaks.
- About that. - Hmm.
I did more research.
Turns out, in 1426, the Elmores were saved
from a drawbridge collapse
and pledged eternal fealty to their saviors,
the Devonshires. - The Devonshires.
Isn't that Kenny's last name?
Indeed.
I'm your boss now, D-dog.
Draw me a bath.
And draw a lady in it, too.
On second thought, the Elmores are dead.
I am Fielding of the New World.
Fine. I didn't want to marry you anyway.
But I was so looking forward to registering
at the Bass Pro Shops.
Look, I know this is crazy, but just listen.
I love you.
I really do.
[ Watch beeping ]
Ah, that's a bit of the ol' all right, ain't it?
What's happening? Why are you talking?
Because I'm off the clock, love.
So, shall we, uh, bugger off down the pub for a pint?
Or head back to your flat for a bit of the old
how d'you do, hey?
Nope, nope. No, no, no, nope. Nope.
[ British accent ] So, I hear you're in the British guys.
Not for all the silence in the world.
It's funny.
♪