-Mr. and Miss Bealer are charged with instigating
a food fight at the Times Square
Bubba Gump shrimp.
-Interesting.
I didn't know they served food at Bubba Gump Shrimp.
-In their statement,
that couple blames their altercation
on the restaurant's lack of self service,
forcing them to quote, "talk to each other."
-I know there are disagreements in every marriage,
but culinary violence is never the answer.
$100 fine.
-Believe it or not, you're the third defendants
this week with shrimp in their hair.
-Couples like that are why I don't want to rush
into a relationship with Jake.
Right now, it's just so new and fun.
We can't stop talking at restaurants.
It takes us forever to order.
Waiters hate us.
-Trust me, it's not just the waiters.
-You're just jealous because the last woman you dated
is writing you letters on toilet paper from prison.
-She had her letter writing privileges revoked
because she was using her pen as a shovel.
-Wow, your relationships make me feel a lot better
about my horrendous divorce.
Next up, The People versus Pete McGuiness.
-Mr. McGuiness is a landlord charged with excessive use
of force, for physically throwing his tenants out
onto the streets. -And who are the tenants?
-[ English accent ] Hello, Judge.
It's so nice and warm in here.
I should like to stay forever.
-He forcibly removed orphans?
-They're not orphans.
They're a children's theater troupe
that only does "Oliver".
-The defendant ruthlessly punted the actors out on to the street
after he double booked his property as a wedding venue.
-Which means that if you rule in the favor of these
fame hungry pre-adults,
you'll be blowing up countless weddings.
-You better not be blowing up my wedding, Tiny.
-Did I mention that one of the weddings is Roz Russell's?
-The court directs the cute orphan
to please make big sad eyes at Roz.
-Will you be my mum?
-Oh, shut up.
**
-Sorry you lost your venue. You know what, though?
Big weddings are over hyped.
Sarah and I actually considered eloping.
-I wouldn't want any witnesses if I was marrying you either.
-[ Mock laughs ]
-I found a great place for your wedding.
It's in the heart of Manhattan, it's an historical landmark,
and it has so many security cameras,
you can fire your videographer.
-She's talking about here. -I'm talking about here.
-Considering the wedding is tomorrow,
what the hell choice do I have?
-That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.
And the best part is the place comes with an officiant
who's never had the honor, but suspects
it's the thing they were born to do.
-She's talking about her. -I'm talking about me!
-We have an officiant. I'd invite you as a guest,
but we're still waiting on a couple of RSVPs.
-Dan, are you seriously considering
not going to Roz's wedding?
-I'm seriously considering not going anywhere ever again.
-That's fine.
I don't need him there drinking my booze
and throwing rice way too hard.
-Okay, since you're both closed off weirdos, let me translate.
Dan, Roz would like you to go to her wedding
because you mean a lot to her.
And, Roz, Dan is afraid that he's gonna have feelings
and people will see he's a person.
-Way off. -Ridiculous.
-But yeah, I guess I could stop by.
-Having you here would be fine.
-God, you closed off weirdos are gonna make me cry.
Maybe losing the venue was a blessing in disguise.
-Well, then we're loaded with blessings 'cause
this wedding has already had so many things go wrong already.
-I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I have been.
Have you considered it's sabotage?
I mean, I imagine as a PI, you've made plenty
of enemies along the way.
-Sabotage would explain how we've lost a florist,
a deejay, and most of our string quartet.
-Miss Russell, would you make me the happiest woman in the world
and let me run security at your wedding?
-For free?
You can do whatever the hell you want.
-That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.
-I hope you all have fun at the party.
I'll just be quietly practicing the electric slide
alone, even though having the wedding here was my idea.
-You can come. -Yay!
-That way, if anything goes wrong,
I can find you
and I can blame you.
-Yay.
-The ceremony was nice. I guess.
If I was officiating, I would have done better than
"building this house on love."
2013 called and wants its metaphors back.
-You're cute when you're snarky.
You're also cute when you're not snarky.
This is just kind of a long way of saying you're cute.
-And this is kind of a short way of saying I'm nauseated.
Listen, just because I'm here,
don't expect me to go to your wedding
when you decide to blonde for all eternity.
-Our wedding? That is the farthest thing from our minds.
-Yeah, no, we're just keeping things casual.
-Yeah. Good luck with that.
Weddings are the foot on the gas of every relationship.
Oof, now I'm gonna have to learn your name.
I want to say Chester.
-That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
-Yeah, if anything, I'm more of a Chase than a Chester.
-No, I mean, the idea that this wedding
would kick our relationship into a higher gear.
-Like just by being here,
all of a sudden, I'm gonna be like,
"Oh, you should meet my mom."
I mean, she is in town, but I'm not introducing her
to someone I'm casually dating.
-Yeah, we don't want to bring a mom into this hotness.
We are nowhere near meeting parents.
-Well, parent. I've never met my biological father.
I don't know why I chose this moment
to drop that super not casual bomb.
-Dan is right about weddings.
-Maybe we should just come up with some rules
to keep things light.
-I love that. Nothing says fun and casual
like a boatload of rules.
-First rule, no heavy conversations.
-Yep. Just small talk and playful banter starting now.
-Perfect.
I did consider searching for my dad once.
Sorry. Now it's out of my system.
-So we made it through Roz and Loretta's ceremony,
but we're not out of the woods yet.
The saboteur could strike at any time.
So I need you hidden, every table,
listening to every conversation.
-Beating a confession out of anyone who looks at us wrong.
Like that guy.
-That's Loretta's daddy.
-Interesting, because he told me he was Roz's father in law.
Someone can't keep his story straight.
-I haven't been to a wedding since my divorce.
I was worried it was gonna bring up a lot of emotions,
but I'm holding it together pretty lonely right now.
-What are you wearing? You're supposed to be a waiter.
-In this dress? No one's gonna buy that.
But off your idea, why don't I go on to cover as a guest?
Ooh, I'll start by chatting up the partners
at Loretta's law firm.
-I don't know. What's your cover story?
-I'm a seasoned trial lawyer who's trying to get out of
a dead end job where I'm surrounded by bozos.
-Oh, you got a real mind for this.
-Yeah, but excuse me. I really shouldn't
be seen talking to the staff.
-So, which signature cocktail do you recommend?
The "I'm Loretta sour" or "Sex on the Roz"?
-Eight rosés, please.
-Oh, no, Sorry, ma'am. Tonight they're "Roz-és".
-They're not for me. I'm at the unmarried aunts table.
And I'm hoping the wine works as a mute button.
-[ Chuckles ] Oh, okay. Well, you know what?
If that doesn't work out,
you can join me at the singles table.
It's largely children. Their screens have been taken away.
So basically it's just a knife fight waiting to happen.
-Your eight wines, ma'am.
-Well, how about I drop these off and meet you back here.
-Oh, great.
-I can feel you smiling.
-And I can feel you feeling.
Banner day, Dan. Banner fricking day.
-Just a second.
Hey, Roz, who's that woman?
She seems very familiar.
-She should.
You argued against her sister
in this courthouse for the better part of a decade.
-That's Christine Sullivan's sister?
-Yeah. Katie.
We met through Christine
and ended up seeing a lot of each other.
-Now Dan wants to see a lot of her.
-Too bad she hates him.
-Damn it, Fielding. What did you do?
-Nothing!
Well, except maybe moving to DC to be with Christine,
pledging my undying love,
and then just disappearing with no explanation.
You know, that was a long time ago.
And she didn't seem to hate me just now.
Oh, maybe I didn't tell her who I was.
-Well, you don't want to drink in your face?
I'd keep it that way.
-Message received.
Challenge accepted.
Flobert, I need your help
making me look good to someone who hates my guts.
But you cannot say my name, and you cannot tell Roz.
-Roz?! The lady the drink's named after is here?
I hope this goes better than the time I met Arnold Palmer.
-Hi there. Olivia Moore.
So happy for Loretta, et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, I heard that you're looking for new associates.
Maybe an outside hire.
Someone who's quietly saying her name to sneak it
into your subconscious. Olivia.
-[ Clears throat ] You're in my seat.
-Devin. -Olivia.
What's that perfume?
Desperation by Calvin and Hobbes?
-So, you work at Loretta's law firm?
Don't tell me you made partner
'cause then I would need to reintroduce myself
and adjust my tone. Olivia.
-I got passed over, but don't worry, I got big plans.
So if you'll excuse me, I need some face time with the boss.
Gina, you're looking well. Devin.
-Everyone having a good time? Hm?
They come to an end, you know?
-Wyatt, you see that guy over there?
He's boss blocking me. I need you to get him drunk.
-Smart, Olivia. Focus on career.
Career can't leave you and take the dog you've trained.
-Flobert, I need you to take that guy
out of commission. -Booze or poison?
-Thank you.
-Can I just say we are killing it at keeping it light.
Just casually grinding like you would any random piece of ass
you meet at a wedding.
-Oh, thank you.
And let me just say you are also a hot, disposable rando.
Oh, it's a slow one.
-Nice change of piece. -Yeah.
-No. -No, not today, wedding!
-Hold on.
-No!
-What? My shoe's untied.
-Tie it tomorrow!
-Okay. Okay. I'm gonna let you in a little secret.
When you see "anonymous donor"...[ Chuckles ]
-[ Laughs ] -Here you go, sir.
-Thank you, my man. -It's an open bar, sir.
-Oh, that's for you. Don't worry about it.
Can't stop giving.
-Wow. A $50! -Hey!
You know what?
They should make those different colors, shouldn't they?
-I just realized that I still haven't gotten your name.
I'm Katie.
-Oh, I think we've established that I'm anonymous.
But of course -- of course I have a name.
-There he is, the bravest, most decent man I have ever known.
This man is a hero.
You know, every year, he shaves that beard
and sends the hair to kids in other countries
who can't grow their own beards.
-Whatever you're doing, do less.
-This man is a coward!
Who hit me with this car and drove away.
-That was an absurd over correction.
-Oh, look at you two talking.
I'll just take this drink out of your throwing hand.
-I was just hearing about all the volunteer work that --
Sorry. I still haven't gotten your name.
-Oh, did he not volunteer that?
-Oh, I'm sorry. What's that, sir?
Oh, yeah. What?
Oh, you said you would like to make a toast?
Oh, I'm really not in a good place.
-Oh, no. You know, you're right.
Let's get you in front of a microphone. Here we go.
Listen, everybody.
Probably my generous nature talking,
but I think we should give our full attention to this waiter.
Go!
-Uh, I didn't expect to speak, but treasure today.
Later you may find yourself dealing with divorce lawyers
and your ex wife could have a new boyfriend
who gave a toast at your wedding with a lot of innuendo
you probably should have picked up on.
But true love is worth that risk.
And when you find it...
...hold on.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
-Let's hope this doesn't kick off a wave of toasts.
-Yeah, the last thing we need
is a bunch of half cocked sap hounds trying
to get us to be all lovey dovey.
-So if this isn't working on us,
why you holding my hand?
-'Cause you're holding my hand, you sap hound!
Oh, you're picturing us playing with our kids,
aren't you?
-We're using the cushions from the couch to build a fort.
Abby, the wedding's winning.
I feel the walls closing in.
-It's not the walls. It's the bouquet toss
We got to get out of here! -You might as well
just catch it.
The wedding's not gonna stop till it gets what it wants.
-It's got to catch me first.
-Oh, go!
-I'm starting to think that Abby might be the saboteur.
-That's better than watching them dance.
-I heard you tipped the bartender 50 bucks.
I have been lying to your ex girlfriend's sister
all night and haven't seen a dime.
Thanks a lot, Dan Fielding!
-You're Dan Fielding?
So this was you trying to make yourself look good?
-No, not at all.
I was just trying to show you that I am not the man I was.
I've changed.
-Oh, I don't know. Because you still seem
like the same selfish jerk
that didn't bother to show up to my sister's funeral.
No. Kate.
-Be a waste not to.
-There it is.
Closing argument for why we should change
our judicial selection process.
-New York State has tons of pictures of me
eating cake off myself, and I'm still here.
-Huh. Oh, I've got some news.
Katie Sullivan hates me
because I didn't go to her sister's funeral.
-Oh.
Sometimes in life...
Nope. Can't put a positive spin on that one.
-The fact is I was there.
I was hiding behind a row of poplar trees
'cause I didn't want to intrude.
Christine Sullivan was the best person I have ever met,
and I was in love with her, and miraculously,
she started to have feelings for me.
And I pushed her away and then left because I thought,
you know, maybe I wasn't good enough for her.
-Dan...
you weren't.
I can see how fear can make you push someone
away, sometimes into a cake.
-Almost never into a cake. That's just you.
You know, Christine made me a better man.
I would have never had the life I did with Sarah
if it hadn't been for Christine Sullivan.
-You could say all that to Katie.
-Eh, what's the point? She'd just think I was lying.
-Well, I guess the important thing is that you know, right?
Come on, let's go get you a Loretta-colada.
-Hey, you don't want your copy?
-You clean up nice.
-You sure Dan won't mind me borrowing his spare suit?
-Oh, yeah, it's fine. It's not even his good spare.
It's the one he eats ribs in.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We said no sharing food, especially the adorable ones.
-Well, when I was riding you like a surfboard into
a wedding cake, I realized it's not the wedding.
It's us.
I don't want to be casual, Jake.
-Oh, me neither.
I'm exhausted from being so chill.
The truth is I want to slow dance.
I want to hold hands, and I want you to meet my mom.
-I want to meet your mom and your dad.
-Still don't know who he is. -Right.
-Let's start with your mom. -Alright.
-You know what? I'm gonna go call her.
-Okay.
-Just leave the cake-pop. -Right.
-Everyone can relax. The wedding is safe.
I found our guy. -Devin?!
-[ Chuckles ] It's one of yours.
-You can't prove I did anything.
-You're a witness, counselor.
-You're right.
Sure you're bitter that Loretta got the promotion,
but to sabotage a whole wedding? Mnh-mnh.
That'd take a far greater mind than yours.
-Well, joke's on you because this isn't a real wedding.
I planted a fake officiant, and these two never got married.
-Wait, weren't not really married?
I can feel you smiling.
-And I can feel you needing an officiant.
-She just talking about her. -I'm talking about me!
-All rise.
The wedding is now in session.
-Welcome, everyone, to Roz and Loretta take two.
I know this wasn't your first choice of venue.
-Or second.
We almost converted to get a synagogue on Long Island.
-But I think this place is very special.
My dad always said a million stories came in
through these court room doors.
And I personally think the best kind is a love story.
Roz and Loretta,
we are so incredibly lucky to be witnessing
the official beginning of your love story here tonight.
-Move it along, Stone. The deejay's on clock.
-By the power vested me by the State of New York,
I sentence you to eternity together.
$50 fine and time served. Oh, sorry, reflex.
[ Applause ]
-I don't know why I'm crying. I don't even know these people.
-You know something?
We keep dancing like this, Loretta is gonna get jealous.
-I'm just distracting you so she can steal your wallet
and get us a better gift.
-Oh, isn't the best gift friendship?
Fine. I'll get you some booze.
-May I cut in? -Uh, really? I --
-Don't talk. I have a feeling you're ruin it.
-Usually. -Always.
-Abby. Hey, this is my mom, Susan.
-Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
I'd say I've heard so much about you,
but Jake and I were keep it at cazsh until like 20 minutes ago.
-That's funny because he told me all about you.
-Thanks, Mom. I'll get you something from the bar.
Your drink still Scotch and blabbermouth?
-So, is this your first time in New York?
No, I lived here in the '80s.
-Before I had Jake,
I actually dated a lawyer who worked in this courthouse.
-What a small world.
I wonder if the guy you dated knew...
Huh.
How long before Jake was born did you date this lawyer?
-A little under a year. -[ Gasps ]
I'm out of cake pops,
and I think that Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.
Just so you know, I am real bad at keeping secrets.
-It's funny.