♪
- Oh, oh, oh, okay. I got one for you.
That couple over there, siblings or dating?
- Oh, no, definitely siblings.
The same weird smile, same shark eyes,
hand placed just above the butt
as if tempted, but know that it's forbidden.
- Ah.
That's the kind of chemistry you only develop
at the dinner table.
- Uh, excuse me. We were wondering--
- We're step-siblings.
But now that our parents are dead,
nothing is forbidden.
- Any chance y'all think they killed their parents?
- They definitely did nothing to save them.
- Which one of these outfits say, "I'm sexy, but not thirsty,
passionate but not desperate,"
and leaves a medium amount to the imagination?
- Neither. That one says, "Runway."
Airport runway.
- And the red one screams
"first day in the witness protection program."
- Shows what you know.
These are from a high-end boutique
called the Dress Pit.
- Guys, be nice.
This is her first date with Jake after the breakup.
If she wants to look like the victim of a '70s slasher film,
she should.
- Eh, as long as I don't look like
the virgin the killer ignores, I'll take it.
- So, your first date after the breakup, huh?
A little bit of awkward conversation,
followed by an all-out hump fest.
- For all I know, Jake wants to take things slow.
So I'm just gonna focus on what I can control--
returning these to the Dress Pit.
Luckily, they're open 24 hours.
Because it doesn't have a door.
- I don't think that Jake wants to take it slow.
That's all I can say.
He's gonna propose. But that's it.
I helped him pick out the ring.
Would you stop grilling me, you vultures?
♪
- So, where we going tonight?
If I need to wear a sports bra, you have to tell me.
- I told you it's a surprise.
But I'll give you a clue.
It's one of your favorite places.
- Oh, well, you should know
I'm not allowed at that pet store anymore.
They figured out I'm never gonna buy a bird.
They call me a "cockatease."
- You think I would take you to a pet store for our big date?
I mean, I wanted to, but then I saw your
picture up by the register.
- So, Jake's proposing? Huh. That was fast.
- Maybe a little fast, but, I mean,
they dated for quite a while.
- No, the way you explained it was fast.
You should take your time with news like that.
But now that I mention it,
it does seem pretty quick to get engaged.
- He's a male cheerleader.
She feeds squirrels for fun.
They shouldn't overthink it.
- Next up, the People vs...
Sylvia Plath and Batman?
Aw, it's never the real one.
- Those are the names on the defendants' fake IDs.
It's a tale as old as time.
Just a couple of white kids trying to get some White Claws.
- Permission to approach.
I'm not representing these children.
They don't even know who Gene Hackman is.
- Well, you could try them as adults.
You know, a week in jail at their age
would have nipped a lot of my problems
right in the bud.
- I can't send them to adult jail.
They'll get picked last for all the gangs.
- Come on, it'll be like summer camp.
Of course they'll try to run away,
but, you know, years from now,
they'll miss it.
- I'll handle this.
Kids, we'll call your parents and forget this ever happened
if you just give us your real names.
- Our real names are on our IDs.
- I'm pretty sure you don't live in the state of...
"Balaska,"
at "1,000,000 Fart Lane."
- Babe, wait. She's a judge.
Maybe she can marry us.
- What do you mean, marry you?
- That's why we came to New York.
- Yeah. We're here to see the original Olive Garden
and get hitched.
Just like the breadsticks, our love is bottomless.
- Okay, I'm not gonna let two kids
with pocket bread get married.
I think we need a five-minute recess.
- Sick! Dodgeball!
- It's not that kind of recess.
Some of us have asked.
- These kids are not your problem.
Do not get sucked in.
You have a very big date tonight.
- Don't worry. It won't take long.
I got a talking stick, a feelings chart,
and the two best huggin' arms in New York City.
See you in my chambers!
- [ German accent ] You should have chosen adult prison.
- Oh, Carl, it's so sweet you came just to bring me
your homemade espresso.
Mmm.
I'm tasting hot chocolate
and just a hint of melted cannoli?
- It's a recipe from the Old Country.
- Ah!
- I wish someone would bring me things.
- Last week I gave you my cold,
and you got a day off to finally finish "The Americans,"
so you're welcome.
- Pickup for Dan.
- Oh, look who it is.
The famous Dan Fielding.
Hey, Julianne, why don't you introduce me to your friend?
- Your "friend"? Julianne, I had no idea
you thought of me that way.
How humiliating for you.
- Uh, you'll have to excuse Carl.
He was in the mob, and they call everyone "friend."
And every piece of leather furniture, "Hey, nice."
- Jake, buddy, everything okay there?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.
[ Chuckles ]
- Is this cold feet,
or is this how white men moisturize their hands?
- I messed up.
I lost Abby's engagement ring.
- What?! You lost the ring
when I specifically told you not to?!
- Uh, when was the last time you had it?
- Okay, um, I know I had it
when I went through the metal detector
because a guy with a forehead tattoo said,
"Is that real?" I said, "I hope so.
I spent my life savings on it."
We both laughed. - [ Laughs ] That is good.
- And then he gave me a big hug and ran away.
[ Gasps ] I know what happened.
- You left it at the metal detector.
- No, the guy with the face tattoo obviously stole it!
- Oh, you're good. You're good.
I bet you're good at puzzles.
You want to do a puzzle with me?
- How can I propose with no ring?
♪ Around the rosie ♪
- ♪ Pocket full of posey ♪
- Oh, you are right, Jake.
Singing that song is fun.
- Aww, all my friends sitting around a table singing.
And I know I'm not dreaming because I'm fully clothed.
Jake, why are your hands covered in mashed potatoes?
- Uh, for-- - For charity!
- Yeah. - Like the Ice Bucket Challenge.
We're putting our hands in vats to...
- Raise awareness for bats.
It's called... Vats for Bats.
- Oh, I love this. Who's doing it next?
- Wyatt.
Another bat saved.
- I'm just grabbing some candy to bribe the kids
I locked in my office.
That sounds bad, but they're fine.
They could easily crush me.
- I need to find that ring.
- Listen, alright, with my brains
and my brains, we'll find it.
Don't worry. - No ring,
but there's a watch in the coleslaw.
- Look, I remember being young and thinking I knew it all.
But the mistakes you make now can follow you forever.
Trust me. You don't want to do this.
- How would you know? Do you even have a boyfriend?
- For your information, I might.
Ask me tomorrow.
- I think she's jealous of us, babe.
She's alone, and you have a fiancé with two bikes.
- Two bikes?
My mama said that wasn't allowed.
- Look, we've already been told this
by every other old person in our lives.
- We're not gonna talk you out of it
because you are about to live it.
We open on your tiny apartment.
[ Tapping ] I wonder who that is.
- I'm your landlord!
And if you twos don't keep it down in here,
I'll raise your rent!
Huh! You think that's mean?
Wait till you meet your boss.
- That's me, your manager at the fast food joint.
You're gettin' a raise never.
Don't bother checkin' the calendar for "never."
It ain't there.
- I'm not going to work at a drive-thru.
I'm pretty.
- Well, your options may be limited
once you meet life's most inconvenient miracle.
- Wah!
That's me, your baby!
I'm loud and expensive.
One day I'm going to major in communications.
- And don't forget about me.
I'm your mother-in-law.
I said I'd move in to help with the baby,
but instead, I just made passive-aggressive comments
about your body.
- My mom is never passive-aggressive.
She would say that stuff to your face.
- And I forgive her because she brought you into my life.
- Ohh. Abby, I might be crazy,
but I think these kids can make it work.
- What? No, they can't. That's the whole point.
- You know what?
I'm a university president giving out full scholarships
to teens who are in love. - Guess what I just heard?
That university burnt down. So you're stuck with me,
your mean boss, the rest of your life.
- Well, too bad the mean boss just died of a heart attack
and left you all of her money.
- Flobert! - Don't worry.
You're going to heaven.
- Okay, so these are the mug shots of all the criminals
with forehead tattoos in the five boroughs.
- Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.
- Uh, Jake, security said three crates were dropped off for you
from Dominic's Party Rentals? - Crap, I totally forgot
I ordered decorations for the proposal.
- Wait, you're-- you're proposing here?
- Oh, so this proposal was doomed from the jump.
I mean, uh, you focus on the ring.
Gurgs and I can set up the decorations.
- So while you're looking through these forehead tattoos,
ignore the ones with my name.
My fans are crazy, but not thieves.
- Great news. I got something.
- You found the ring?
- No, I got meatball subs for everybody.
The ring, I got bupkis,
but I did come across a beauty at the pawn shop
from a wide receiver who's fallen on hard times.
Not for nothing,
but if anybody was ever going to propose to me,
I would not say no to a Super Bowl ring.
- Ah.
- Here. Try this meatball sub. It'll change your life.
- Julianne, what do you think the pawnshop would give us
for a guy who flunked out of the mob?
- Oh, please.
You were just whining about how hungry you were.
And now Carl has brought you the balls of his homeland.
- Homeland? The guy was born in Secaucus.
- Play nice.
My ex-cellmate, Big Spider, is downstairs.
She brought some rings that fell off some fingers.
Hey, blondie, you ever meet a cannibal in real life?
- Hey, Julianne, take Carl.
All the gold jewelry
might be a fun challenge for a cannibal.
- You know, I gotta ask, you ever take salsa classes?
With hips like yours, marone, you'd be fantastic.
- Oh, please. Come on.
What, you don't think I know I got perfect salsa hips?
- Wow. Wow.
Jake really went all out with his decorations
for the proposal.
- What if it's a marble statue of Abby?
You know if it's this big, it's gonna be nude.
- Who's nude? - Ghosts. Think about it.
You're dead. Why would you get to take your clothes with you?
- Have you seen Jake?
The kids are taking a little longer than I thought.
- Well, Jake's not here.
- Oh, okay. I'll give him a ring.
- He doesn't need one.
- That's definitely not what he's looking for.
- Okay.
Should I even ask about the crates?
- I wouldn't.
All right, let's unbox our big naked boss.
- What the hell is this? - The package you ordered--
"Colonel Rooster's Slobstacle Course."
- We didn't order this.
- Who did you think Dillon was?
- Obviously a 6-year-old having a very romantic birthday
on your dime.
- Okay. This could still work. There's a karaoke machine.
You could serenade her.
[ "Old McDonald" plays ]
All right.
Hey, girl.
We're gonna quack, quack here.
We're gonna quack, quack there.
We're gonna quack, quack everywhere.
If you'll be
my farmer's wife.
- [ Laughs ] Now make "Wheels on the Bus" sexy.
- Oh, interesting.
You're too good for Big Spider's rings,
but you'll propose in an off-brand Chuck E. Cheese.
- This is a disaster.
Is the universe trying to tell me that I shouldn't propose?
I mean, you know, maybe I am going a little too fast.
- Whoa! Jake. Whoa! Take a breath.
All right. I've been where you are.
Now, you know how Abby makes you feel.
- Yeah. - The moment you see her,
all of your doubts are just gonna melt away.
- Yeah. You're right. I just need to talk to Abby.
Okay.
- Hey, I just got a text from Carl
saying that you locked him in the morgue.
- Well, I--
Well, he wasn't supposed to be able to get service down there.
- Okay. The year is 2049. You're empty nesters,
and a new friend has moved into your bedroom.
[ Heavy breathing ]
My name is CPAP machine,
and I can go all night [Deep inhale] long.
- Hey, Abby, can I talk to you for a second?
- Jake, can you please tell these kids that getting married
would be the biggest mistake of their lives?
- Interesting.
Interesting point for me to hear right now.
- Look at us.
We've said I love you to each other,
and we haven't even thought about getting married.
- We haven't? - Exactly.
- You're obviously busy, so-- - No, wait.
Didn't you want to talk to me about something?
- Yeah, I was gonna say maybe going out tonight
isn't such a good idea.
- What do you mean? I thought you were excited.
- I was. Now I'm not so sure. I should go.
- Ooh. Principal got dumped.
- Get ready.
I got a box of props to convince you to marry these kids.
- No need, Flobert. I'm sold. Come on, stand up.
- But I had a whole game show planned.
- You want to get married?
I'm gonna marry you right here, right now.
- She's bluffing.
- Can't get married without a tie.
And here is your veil.
- Why are you doing this?
- Because I'm a judge,
and it's one of the cool things I get to do.
So, marriage. Batman, you in?
- I'm down. - All right.
Sounds like an "I do" to me. What about you, Sylvia?
You want to make a mistake you'll live to regret?
- Stop marrying us. We're kids.
- Too late, I already did.
I now pronounce you Batman and wife.
- Hold on. I don't actually want to get married.
I just wanted to renegotiate my curfew.
I'm calling my mommy.
- I did not see that coming.
I thought you two were rock solid.
- If she thinks she's getting one of my bikes
in the divorce, she is dreaming.
- And listen, for the record,
it was his idea to go in there and check cadavers for rings.
- That was your idea, Big Dog.
My idea was buying matching tracksuits.
- What is your problem?
You have been obnoxious to him all night.
Oh, are you jealous? - Jealous?
What, of a man who thinks an undershirt is an outside shirt?
What do you care if I'm nice to your boyfriend?
- I think she cares because you two are friends.
- All right, Carl, for the last time, we are not friends.
- Furthest thing from it.
- Yeah. Dan couldn't handle it.
He used to have a thing for me.
- Oh, no, no. If anything, you couldn't handle it.
You were the one obsessed with me.
- Oh, hey, buddy, I can handle
being friends with you if you can.
- I can handle being friends with you in my sleep.
- Well, then I guess we're friends.
- I guess we are. Well, I'm going to hit you up
for so many rides to the airport.
- Oh, and I meet so many ladies at the gym,
and get ready because I'm going to set you up
with all of them.
- I can't wait for the four of us to vacation together.
- We're going to the Cape.
- Oh, so great to have a good friend.
- Hello? Julianne? Big Dog?
I think there's something moving in here!
♪
- Aw. They thought I was going to share these.
Hey, uh, our freezer broke, so I was just being helpful.
- My mom is here, so I wanted to say goodbye.
- Uh, look, I know I was hard on you,
but it's actually
because you remind me a little bit of myself.
I don't want you to make bad choices like I did.
Though I never ran away.
I tried,
but the closest I got was three aisles over in a Blockbuster.
- My name is Shelby, by the way.
His name actually is Batman.
His parents are not the best.
- It's nice to meet you, Shelby.
- Oh, no. Are you leaving so soon, Miss Plath?
I was hoping that you'd sign my copy of "The Bell Jar."
- What's "The Bell Jar"?
Oh, I found this by the metal detector.
I guess I don't need it anymore.
- No, no, no, I'll take that off your hands.
Thank you very much.
You don't have time to deal with this.
You got a big date to get ready for.
- Why are you being so weird?
- I'm not being weird. Just excited for your big night.
- Only big night I have is with that ice cream.
Jake canceled. - Jake canceled? That's weird.
I know he was looking forward to it.
- Yeah, so was I.
I was looking forward to tonight and all the nights after that.
I mean, I could see my whole life with Jake.
Mean landlords, bad bosses,
sharing everything but our bank accounts
because I don't want him to see how much I spend on markers.
- I may have lost the thread.
- All I'm saying is I don't know what life is gonna throw at me,
but I know I want to go through it with Jake.
- Then you have to tell him.
You know, I took the same subway as Sarah for three months
before I asked her out.
I was a fool to wait. I could have lost her.
- I can't lose Jake again.
But I don't want to scare him.
I'm all in, but I don't know.
What if he's not on the same page?
- He is! Where's your phone?
[ Cellphone rings ]
- It's Jake. - Oh.
- Hey. Hi. I was just going to call you.
- Well, that's weird. What a coincidence.
- Glad you called.
About earlier, I--
- Abby, I was being stupid.
Are you still up for doing something tonight?
- Tell him you love him.
- Stop talking. I'm on the phone.
Is there an echo?
- Oh.
No, no, no. No. Oh, God. [ Music playing ]
- Where are you?
- I'm just at my boy Dillon's birthday party.
Uh, but I can be there in a minute.
- I'll be here. I'm excited to see you.
- Well, look at that.
Looks to me like your ice cream is canceled,
and the big night's back on.
- What is with that weird look?
I feel like you're either gonna hug me or kill me.
- There's no look.
Just that the memories you make tonight
are going to last a lifetime.
- Jake's gonna propose. - [ Stammers ]
- [ Gasps ]
And he told you because he knows nothing about jewelry
and would have done it with a puka shell necklace.
- No, no, no, no.
I didn't do nothing. I gotta go.
I gotta give something to--
I don't know, Wyatt.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.
Um, uh, pictured this moment with less melted ice cream.
[ Knock on door ]
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
- Just came by to give you this.
- Hey, Abby, I--
Who's this guy?
- I'm her husband.
- So how'd it go?
Who's this guy?
- It's funny.