Carrie: "Therapy For Today is a convenient way
"to make sure you're getting the help you need.
"After all, mental health,
"it's something you do for you.
Promo code: ZoomShrink@SexAndTheCity."
Done. And the last one. Sammi?
- Sammi (over intercom): Ready. - Mm.
"This is for all my listeners with a vagina.
Ever feel not quite right down there?"
(chuckles) Okay. Uh, I'm feeling not quite right up here.
- (chuckles) What is this? - It's an ad for a vaginal wellness product.
- Yeah, no, I got that part right away. - Did you? (chuckles)
But, uh... "Down there"?
W-- Eh-- Why is it underlined?
What, just to make it more awkward and obvious?
Well, mission accomplished.
W-- Oh, my God.
"But with our vaginal odor suppositories..."
I have spent my entire life going out of my way to never
say the word "suppository."
And now, it's coupled with "vagina."
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. - Certainly is.
Oh, my God, again.
"Promo code: VagAndTheCity."
- Come-- I can't. - I'll let 'em know.
- Okay, thank you. - Let's just do the show.
- Let's do the show. - Yeah.
("Goodies" by Dillon Francis playing)
♪ Got you all hot and bothered ♪
♪ Mad 'cause I talk about it ♪
♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪
♪ Bet you thought about it ♪
- Ready to be blown? - Am I ever.
♪ I bet you want the goodies ♪
How is your romance? How is your man?
Turns out, not my man.
Done. Finito. Too many red flags.
You're always finding red flags.
This one this, that one that.
He still lives with his ex-wife.
Do you know how many mens I dated
who still lives with their wives?
- You are too picky. - I have my standards.
Listen to you. Standards.
You sit in my chairs for 10 years
with your red flags and standards.
No wonder you're still alone.
(water splashing)
Oh. Dios mio.
- Juan Jose: I am not done. - I am... Forever.
I pay you to blow me, not shrink me.
(hairdryer blows)
(moaning)
(giggles, moans)
- (phone ringing) - (Che moaning)
Ah, shit. (sighs) That's my show-writer calling.
- I have to take this. - I'm doin' some of my best work here.
Well, go to the head of the class.
Uh...
(exhales) Good morning, BD.
Oh, is it?
'Cause the network hates the new pages.
Can you be here by 10?
- Um, okay, in an hour? Oh! - No, 10 o'clock tonight.
Okay, well, um, (chuckles) do, do you have any other time?
No, 'cause today's therapy day and my parents are here.
Not coincidental.
- (gasps) Oh, shit! - Precisely.
- So you gonna be here? - I guess I can make it.
This isn't a favor. It's your fucking job!
(gasps) Okay, um, that was so not cool.
(laughs) It was hot, but it was not cool.
I'll take hot.
Um, okay. Wait. No, no. Oh, God.
I need, I need to meet with this writer.
I am so sorry.
Will you be okay all day?
Don't worry about me.
I'll just find someone else to practice giving head to.
Trust. I don't wanna leave,
but... this, this is important.
The script is getting so cute it's turning into
"You're a Good Queer, Charlie Brown."
(both laughing)
It's so weird.
The writer can't seem to wrap their head around my few realism notes,
but can wrap their head around Tony Danza as my Mexican father.
I-- (laughs)
Till next time, I'm Carrie Bradshaw
and this is "Sex and the City."
Franklyn (over intercom): Great!
I'm pregnant, I have to pee, and I only have a minute.
Why won't you talk about your vagina?
Oh, for so many reasons.
And to be clear, it's not my vagina.
It's everyone's vagina.
- And hello. - Hello, diva.
I am not a diva. I did the therapy, I did the eyelashes.
I held up that vegan purse on Instagram.
My other purses still won't speak to me.
- Hey, what's up, Chloe? - Chloe: Oh, just trying to save
this flaming Viking ship from sinking.
Would you tell your star it is not the podcast heyday of 2021?
- This shit is drying up. - We're just looking to have
a conversation about that one ad.
When I gave the vaginal wellness commercial
to the guy who does the car podcast,
do you know what he said?
"This is inappropriate, Chloe"?
On air, he said, "My wife suffers from vaginal dryness,"
and he's not even married.
- Dude is here for us. - I am, I am here for us,
but... n-no one, no human being speaks like that.
Well, then rewrite the fucker.
Pretend like you're talking to your girlfriends.
Put it in your own diva words.
Just hit the pH balance bullet points.
- Hi Chloe. - Chloe: Not now.
Gonna talk to her. Don't worry.
Hey, I'll, I'll hold up the vegan purse again.
(elevator dings)
Thank you... Ooh, gosh.
If Mommy drops this cake,
we'll just turn around and never come back.
(Gabby laughs)
- Hey. - It's 3:40 and my mother arrives in 20 minutes,
and... Gabby can't greet her with that hair.
Which is natural and beautiful.
It is. Of course, it is.
It's just Nana prefers it a certain way.
Right, baby? Mwah!
- Nana likes "proper little lady" hair. - That's right.
Well, we have 20 minutes till Eunice and 40 minutes of hair.
(sharp sigh)
Why can't I wear some of Mom's hair over there?
That's for when you grow up.
Thank you for your patience, Gabrielle,
but this kind of stuff is very important to Nana.
When she was a little girl growin' up in North Carolina,
how you presented yourself was everything.
We have 10 minutes. Please pick it up.
You pick it up. I'm killing it over here.
- (elevator dings) - (suspenseful music playing)
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, God, let's go, let's go. - Come on.
No! (muttering)
- (doorbell rings) - I'm trying to go, baby!
- Put it on! - I'm going!
♪ ♪
(doorbell rings)
- Nana! - Mother!
Eunice!
Gabrielle, you look perfect!
I see you just returned from your
matinee performance in "The Lion King."
Yes... and it was a very good show today.
Eunice: Mm-hmm.
(Gabby chuckles)
Lisa: Uh-- Okay, go ahead.
♪ ♪
- Charlotte: Harry, stop picking. - Harry: Just one olive.
So, Mom, Dad, I have a request.
What can the York-Goldenblatt ATM do for you today?
- I need an electric keyboard. - Please say no.
- Honey, you have a Steinway. - I'm taking my music in a new direction.
- I'm writing songs. - Rock: Parents, I beg you,
for the sake of all of us, say no.
Rock, stop. All last year
I supported you realizing who you were.
- You did. Fuck! - Both: Hey!
- Hey. - Sorry, I'm just frustrated
that I can't say any more shady things.
Seriously, I need the Nord
and a better audio interface.
I don't know what any of that means,
but here's my translation:
Record on your phone like everybody else.
I'm not everybody else.
- I'm a serious artist. - Oh, my God.
Honey, you have a job playing for classes at ABT,
so just save up.
That'll take forever.
I have something that I need to say now.
So do we. You're on your own, kid, right?
- Am I right? - Yes, yes! Right.
You want it, you find a way.
That'll work.
Nya, come on, you have to admit
that call last week was crazy.
I'll admit I had too much to drink
and it was a... little crazy,
and you admit that you were playing with fire in your motel room.
- Nothin' happened. - Nya (on phone): I could smell the sex through the phone.
Come on, I copped to crazy.
I didn't finish my sentence.
- Yet. - Yet?
Andre Rashad (on phone): Nothin' happened yet.
I see.
- Do you want it to? - Sometimes.
Most times, I want us to work out.
Do you have a plan for how that's gonna happen?
I do.
A surrogate.
- Nya? Baby, are you there? - (Nya sighs)
Thanks, Frank. Are there any visitors from out of town
who would like to identify?
Hi, I'm, uh, Miranda, and I'm an alcoholic.
All: Hi, Miranda.
I'm, uh, new to A.A. and L.A.
and I don't have a lot to fill my days with while I'm out here,
so I'm really grateful for these meetings.
- Don: Welcome. - Thanks.
Don: So, does anybody have a topic?
(groovy music playing)
(indistinct chatter)
I have not seen a pair of virgin arms like yours in, like, forever.
(chuckles)
Seems like you're almost out of space,
so, yes, I do rent.
I'm Allie. Yeah, filling the days
was hard for me too when I first quit,
but I'm volunteering to clean the beach on Friday.
- Offer's open. - W-With like an environmental group?
One of my many, yeah.
My husband calls me an "actor-vist."
- (laughing) - I can pick you up.
Oh, that'd be great. Thanks, Allie.
So, how are you feeling about the breakup?
Awful. Juan Jose was my longest relationship.
Ten years of blowouts and confidences.
He's heard it all.
- I meant you and Zed. - Oh, shit.
That says a lot.
All right, let's uncurl the blowout breakup, if it's not too painful.
Well, it is still a little fresh,
but he accused me of bailing out on
all my relationships too soon.
He said I make up red flags just to get out,
and that's why I'm alone?
- He said that to you? - Actually, he screamed it out in his salon.
Do I bail out too quickly?
Well, I don't know about your relationships,
but we have left a lotta host stands pretty quickly.
Yeah, I don't stay longer than 10 minutes.
Look, I do the same thing.
I look for or find,
you know, reasons not to move forward if I'm not 100%.
When I was single, I almost rented a house
in The Hamptons six times,
but I always found a reason not to.
- Was that reason always Bethenny Frankel? - Ha-ha.
- (both laughing) - Bartender: Here you go.
(inhales) Okay, let's get real.
And by real, I mean real estate.
Do you know anyone else who still lives--
- With someone they're married to? - Mm.
- Yes. - Okay, so, Zed's not the only one--
Right.
But I think he may be a mooch.
- Hm? - He told his ex-wife to pick up the lunch check.
I just got a feeling, like an uncomfortable feeling.
Well, if you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable.
It's like me with the vagina podcast commercial.
- Okay, not at all, but go on. - Okay.
I'm just not...
comfortable pitching a vaginal wellness product.
Ya know? It's just... not in my nature.
- So, I got out of it. - Juan Jose might say
you should work through those feelings.
(laughs) Juan Jose would scream it.
(sings) ♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪
♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪
Ah, ah! Did you not see the recording sign?
- Calm down. I'm just grabbing my charger. - (Lily sighs)
Lily, you have that new keyboard.
This is not smart parenting.
I'm gonna kill your father.
Well, that's not smart parenting either
because now you're in prison and we're alone.
Daddy didn't give me the money.
I sold some of my clothes.
I'm sorry... what?
Well, you said to get it myself,
so I called The Real Deal,
and they came over and went through my closet.
Wait... the Real Real was here?
No, no, no, The Real Deal. It's way better.
Oh, my God.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
(Richard Burton whines)
It's like The Real Real,
but they're fast, sneaky, and they pay in cash.
You know, like a drug deal.
Yeah, how many drug deals have you seen go down?
This is serious.
I can't believe that Lily's perfect pink Chanel,
the dress I chose for her first grown-up piano recital,
is just out there online.
(gasps) On sale!
This is blasphemy.
I think that's Lagerfeld's last collection.
In a few years, it will be worth three times that.
Four. I am furious!
- Can I sue? - Your daughter?
No, them. The Real Deal. They broke into our home.
Char, there was no crowbar, there was no forced entry.
They had to be invited in, like vampires.
She is a minor.
They took advantage, and they took my Chanel.
- Uh, excuse me, hi. - Yes?
This iced tea isn't cuttin' it.
Can I get a vodka tonic with a straw?
And a drink for this one, too.
Server: Coming right up.
Why the day drinking, you might ask?
I never ask.
My mother-in-law and her sorority sisters
are coming over for afternoon tea,
and she's the president
of the "comments that cut like a knife" chapter.
(sighs) I'm just so surprised at Lily.
- It was a gift. - Yes.
- A gift she returned... - Aw.
...for something she wanted more.
Like I did with that pinky ring you gave me for my 40th.
- You returned the pinky ring? - What am I, a mob boss?
But... it had that pretty little ruby chip.
Yes. Oddly feminine for a man's ring.
Who's it for, one of the (lisps) Sopranos?
(sighs) I remember how the little strap
just fell off Lily's shoulder
just as she was finishing her "Prelude No. 1 in C."
Question: Is this guy hot enough to be one of my Hotfellas?
(coughs) Oh! Yes.
(ambient street noise)
Hurry, Daddy, get a cab! We don't wanna miss the waltz.
Okay. Taxi!
- I wish we were going to hip-hop class. - (Gabby laughs)
Oh, Daddy! Daddy, here comes one!
- Yep. - Aren't they supposed to stop if their light is on?
We'll get one, baby. It's okay.
Taxi! Yo!
This never happens when we're with Claire's daddy.
Ladies, meet me on the corner, okay?
Taxi!
Sir.
'Scuse me, sir. You wanna--
Sir?
This is illegal, so unlock the door
or I'll report you.
Hey!
Hello!
- Yeah, you better go! - Sorority Sister: Is that your Herbert?!
- Certainly not. Let's go up 3rd, okay? - (group murmuring)
Hi, Nana! Nana!
(Franklyn breathes deeply)
Uh...
that's not a cooking show.
No... I'm downloading Final Draft.
- The least sexy sentence ever spoken after sex. - (Franklyn chuckles)
I bought it so we could rewrite that vagina copy.
The second least sexy sentence.
I thought you talked to Chloe,
and she was okay about it.
Yeah, she was, but then she circled back.
(groans) Hate when people circle back.
Ugh.
You wear glasses?
- Just when I read. - Huh.
You know, we don't have to use that version.
Just, you know, put it in your own voice. Are you ready?
Throw out some phrases you might say that would apply to this.
Um... humiliated, mortified, wanna die?
- I'll start. - Okay.
How's, um... (clears throat)
"Ladies, when I go out for a night on the town, sometime--"
- Pardon? - I'm just spit-balling here.
(laughs) "A night on the town"?
Who's doing the talking, Dorothy Parker's vagina?
(laughs) Well, Carrie, I don't have one.
I'm not supposed to know how to talk about it.
Well...
Uh, okay... (sighs) let's have some fun with it.
What if you call it a "vajayjay"?
Well, I would, but I don't want people to think that
the podcast is a rerun from the 1990s.
(chuckles) Come on. You're the writer.
We're here. Let's do this thing.
All right, fine. But "here" is where we usually don't work.
"Here" is where we usually watch "Beef Grill."
Hm.
- Okay, I got something. - Hm?
"It'll take you from dry to wet-ass pussy."
- (laughs) What? - It's more current.
It's Cardi B and, and Megan Thee Stallion.
Well, I'm Carrie B,
and I don't speak like that,
so Megan Thee End.
(quiet chewing)
This is a lovely dinner.
Sorry. I gotta find a new Hotfella. Kevin has Hep C.
And still no response from The Real Deal,
or should I say The Real Steal's, corporate office.
- Oy. - I second that "oy."
Oh, my God! The dress just dropped another hundred dollars.
Why don't you just walk over there and buy the fucker back?
Because then they win!
No, most of Lily's good pieces are gone.
Sold. No hope.
I want them to return this dress
with an acknowledgment that what they did was wrong.
Good luck. I'm still waitin'
for any acknowledgment from my mother
and she's been dead 10 years.
- (Anthony chuckles) - Anthony.
- Anthony! - What?
How would you feel if someone stole your beloved
Hotfella's sourdough recipe and sold it for cheap online?
I would cut them from tongue to taint.
Thank you.
Okay, people. Lily requests your presence at the piano,
and because I am trapped
into supporting her, I will be there, too.
- Should I open another bottle of red? - No, sweetie, no.
Showtime.
(sings) ♪ I am not not the same ♪
♪ Caught inside this gilded cage ♪
♪ Darkness comes, hollow dreams ♪
♪ Empty mirrors, I'm unseen ♪
♪ Park Avenue streets, where do they lead ♪
♪ Stuck in the deep, goddamn ♪
♪ The power of privilege ♪
Should've opened that second bottle.
♪ No reason or rhyme, lost in the climb ♪
♪ Livin' a life confined, the power of privilege ♪
Who is she, Lily Eilish?
- (Rock laughs) - ♪ 'Cause I always have to be ♪
♪ The good girl, I'm a good girl ♪
♪ No, I'm not allowed to be me ♪
♪ I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl ♪
(knocks on door)
Go back to bed, Gabby. This is Mommy/Daddy time.
Actually, it's Mother time.
Oh, Mother...
Is the electric teapot giving you trouble again?
I can make you a cup.
I think it's you who needs a cup.
Preferably chamomile.
What was that display all about today?
If those ladies weren't all half-blind with cataracts,
I'd be mortified.
Imagine my horror seeing my son,
the pride of Morehouse and of Harvard,
pounding on the hood of a taxicab like some
deranged squeegee man demanding a tip.
What happened? What did I miss?
I pounded on the hood of a cab one time
because that man saw your daughter and I
- standing there-- - It's irrelevant!
We never surrender our dignity.
Your grandfather faced the brickbats of Selma
without ever loosening his tie.
Wexleys win by winning.
Didn't the Emancipation Proclamation free us
from head wraps?
Oh, God.
- (Herbert sighs) - (door shuts)
This isn't like you. (slight chuckle)
- And in front of Gabby? - I did it because she was standin' right there.
To look at her tiny, little face,
confused because her Daddy couldn't manage to get a taxicab?
I never thought I'd say these words,
- but your mother is right. - (scoffs)
You know the rules.
When we go off, they win.
So you have to keep it in check.
Because if you pound on the wrong car
and they take you away...
she's gonna find a way to blame me.
(chuckling) Okay?
(both chuckling)
Thank you so much. Thank you.
You've been awesome. Thank you.
(cheering, applause)
Now, listen, before I leave here tonight,
I just wanna, I just wanna take a moment
to introduce a very special guest here tonight.
Playing my dad on my new pilot,
the one and only, TV legend Tony Danza!
(cheering, applause)
I know what you're all thinking.
Too hot to play anyone's father.
Tony, come on up here.
- Come on up here. - You can't stand here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me. You're in the way. Hello.
Oh. I-I'm sorry.
Tony Danza!
Yeah!
(distant cars honking)
- Okay, I got something. - (phone ringing)
Ooh. Saved by the bell.
Oh, I gotta take this, it's my friend in L.A.,
but truthfully, I'd take a robocall to get outta this.
(Franklyn chuckles)
Hello?
Miranda: Hey! What're you up to?
Oh, you know...
writing a commercial for a... line of vaginal products.
Why? Are your books not selling?
Ha. No, Franklyn and I have to do it for the podcast.
Hey, listen, I have a question: As a friend...
how do you phrase it when you have trouble down there?
I don't know. I have nothing but good news down there.
- How does that help me? Ugh, I don't know what happened. - (Miranda chuckles)
I kissed a guy in an elevator and now I'm part of a filthy
Tracy/Hepburn writing team.
Yeah, I didn't think you could do just sex.
Well, now it's sex with homework.
(gasps) Oh, Carrie, I have to hang up.
Tony Danza's comin' right at me.
I get it, you're fancy. All right. Bye.
Bye.
- Hi. - Miranda, this is Tony.
- Tony, this is Miranda. - Hello, Miranda.
Such a pleasure to meet Che's significant person.
Hi... Oh, I'm thrilled to meet you.
(chuckles) Well, then, you know I was just saying to Che,
we should, we should have dinner tomorrow night, huh?
The three of us? What do ya say?
- You're the boss. - (laughs) Cute, cute. She's cute.
- It is "she," right? - She!
Yeah, okay. See? I'm two for two.
(all laughing)
(keyboard clacking)
- So, I circled back to Chloe on her circle back. - And?
And she's making it seem like this is a dealbreaker for "Sex and the City."
- (Carrie groans) - So, uh, I bolded the important bullet points.
- Let's give it another shot. - Mm. No, let's not.
I appreciate your zeal but (inhales)
I think my vagina has to write its own monologue.
Thank God.
(both chuckling)
Well, if you need any help, I got a ton of great ideas.
(light music playing)
♪ ♪
- (upbeat music playing) - (indistinct chatter)
Oh, my God. Who did this to you?
EZ Blow on 68th Street.
Juan Jose, you made your point. I got back with Zed.
Look, I'm not gonna beg. Do you want this
top-of-the-line tequila and my apology or not?
Why are you apologizing for?
For taking what you said too personally.
I know you meant well.
Not necessarily. I blow hot and cold.
I told this one not to have kids,
I told that one her bangs were bad,
and I told that one to please get a lipo.
No one's listening, but I was right about the bangs.
Abdal, Kiki's gonna finish you.
Seema is back. She's my number one.
(speaking Spanish)
Oy. Qué es esto?
(seagulls cawing)
(metal detector beeps)
(phone ringing)
Nya, I can't talk now. I'm saving the planet. You're welcome.
Well, I'm saving myself
by de-Andre-fying my apartment and my life.
Sayonara, tacky-ass Japanese lantern
he bought in a Tokyo airport in 1999!
You're getting rid of Andre Rashad?
No, he got rid of himself.
He told me he hasn't cheated on me yet.
And then, after our many conversations
about my complicated feelings about having a baby...
he suggests a surrogate.
A surrogate! Miranda!
He hasn't heard me at all. Not in two years!
So, that's it! Because motel girl
plus the surrogate equals I'm done!
- I'm so sorry. - I'm not.
So, I'm carefully packin' his things.
Buh-bye, patchouli incense.
Later, lame-ass college roommate's mixed-media
"collage homage to Nubian women"
made of Korean weave hair!
Bonfire of the beanies at 11!
- Miranda. - Oh, hold on.
I have to go. Here's your bag.
I'm sorry, my kid's school just called.
There was some micro-aggression over a Squishmallow.
- Preschool drama. - Go, go! I, I can get an Uber home.
Okay, bye. Sorry.
Um, Nya, I should hang up.
Cell phones and environmentalists, not a great match.
Do you know anybody who wants to buy six or eight guitars, cheap?
I'm havin' a "goin' out of Andre" sale.
Okay. Buh-bye.
(sighs)
We're makin' real progress, huh?
The Earth is already dead.
We're basically just cleaning up a corpse.
You're a delight. Let's talk more.
Not funny.
- Well... here we are. - Mm.
- Are we ready? - Oh, I'm so ready. I am so ready.
You just tell me when. You know, you give me the sign.
Take that trash can right there,
I'm gonna throw it right through this window.
Nope. I am gonna kill them with kindness.
- Oh. - They are gonna give me that dress back
and I'm gonna bring my baby home.
Oh, you are so clever!
Mm.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
Wow.
There's some really great stuff in here, hm?
(whispers) No, there isn't.
Hello.
I am Charlotte York-Goldenblatt.
You may have received my emails.
I don't know.
Well, they were numerous.
Oh, my God... Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God. These Sonia Rykiel b--
How has nobody bought these?
H-- How long have they been just sitting there?
I don't know.
- (quietly) What? - I have an itty-bitty problem
and I am sure that you and I can solve it together.
- What is your name? - Eden.
Eden! You and I together, Eden, can solve this.
So, my daughter, Lily,
sold you a bunch of clothes,
and she is still a minor.
Surely you have rules against this.
This isn't a bar. We don't card.
(inhales) Starting fresh.
Eden...
I am looking for this Chanel dress.
Is it at this location?
I don't know.
Well, maybe you could look here
in this little computer to see.
These boots are in super-good shape.
You are sleeping with the enemy, Carrie.
I'm sorry.
("Hotel California" by Eagles playing)
- Great Job. - Miranda: Thanks.
- Yeah, no problem. - Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God... Oh, my God.
(gasps) Ugh, ugh! Ugh, I lost my phone!
Did anybody see a phone?
Oh, my God, um, I-I-I-I-I don't have my phone,
and I need it to call Uber.
Uber's a Ponzi scheme.
Again?! So helpful!
God. (sighs)
Did you-- Uh, did you see a phone?
- I lost my phone! - Bummer!
Damn it.
Ah, fuck... Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck.
(groans)
(Miranda grunts)
♪ On a dark desert highway ♪
♪ Cool wind in my hair ♪
(screams)
(groans)
♪ Rising up through the air ♪
♪ Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light ♪
♪ My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim ♪
♪ I had to stop for the night ♪
♪ There she stood in the doorway ♪
♪ I heard the mission bell ♪
♪ And I was thinking to myself ♪
Hi! Hello.
I'm sorry to accost you,
but I, I, I lost my phone trying to save the planet,
and I wonder if I could borrow
one of yours for a super quick call?
- Yeah. - Oh, thank you so much.
- You're welcome. - Oh, could you open that for me?
- Yep. - Miranda: Thank you. All right.
- Want some? - No, thank you.
(upbeat music playing in store)
Breathe.
- (phone ringing) - (Charlotte breathes deeply)
Mm. Unknown caller.
Better not be the Democrats again.
Hello?
Carrie, it's Miranda. I lost my phone.
Well, whose phone is this?
Uh, a nice surfer in a parking lot.
- Why are you so very fancy? - What's Che's phone number?
You don't know Che's phone number?
Don't say it like that.
Nobody knows anybody's number anymore.
All right, hold on a second, I'll look it up.
You see?
(surfers greeting each other)
Hi.
She's just getting me a number.
(phone ringing)
("Hotel California" continues)
- Hello? - It's Miranda.
Why aren't you home yet?
Ugh, I lost my phone on the beach,
and I can't call an Uber without it.
Can you come and get me?
At the beach? It-it-it's rush hour.
It'll, It'll take me, like, an hour and a half to get there.
We have dinner with Tony Danza in an hour!
Well, I don't, obviously.
Shit. (clears throat) Do you want me to cancel, or--
You can't cancel. It's Tony Danza!
Okay, I have an idea. I'll send someone to get you. Where are you?
Oh... can you tell them where I am?
Um... we're, like, off PCH, um, like, across from Neptune's Net.
- You got that? - Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. Stay there.
Where the fuck else am I going?
- Shit. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Uh, please stop offering me that.
So, where am I? Neptune somethin'?
- Surfer: Yeah. - It's up there.
Neptune's Net, is that way.
Oh, okay. That way, all right.
Thank you guys so much. You saved my life.
- A-A thousand times thank you, thank you. - You're welcome.
Good luck.
♪ Last thing I remember ♪
♪ I was running for the door ♪
♪ I had to find the passage back ♪
♪ To the place I was before ♪
♪ "Relax," said the night man we are... ♪
(store music playing)
Okay. I found it.
It is in a warehouse.
Fine... I give up. I'll buy it back.
You can't. It's on hold.
What? It's on hold where?
- I don't know. - Listen, Eden, my husband
is a partner at a major New York law firm,
so you might wanna watch your tone
or I am gonna call your manager.
Hey, Charlotte, can I have a word over here? Real quick.
- (deep breath) - Dead as she is,
I don't think Eden can take much more interrogation.
And she's got a phone.
You're, like, this close to being a meme.
I know. I don't know what's wrong with me.
And even if I got the dress back,
I don't even know if Lily could fit into it anymore.
First the Chanel, and then the Chopin.
I just feel like she's rejecting everything I ever gave her.
Is she rejecting it, or is she, you know, like you just said,
is she outgrowing it?
You know? And that's healthy, right?
Wanting to change and move on.
Eh, who am I to say? I'm still fighting to save "Sex and the City."
I'm not sure it fits me anymore either.
(deep breath)
- I don't need that dress. - Mm-mm.
- I have the memory. - (Carrie chuckles)
And Lily... Whoever she is now.
- Let's go. - Yeah, but, um, before we go, can I just get the other boot?
- (gasps, laughs) - Then I'll have a pair.
(seagulls cawing)
("La Paz" by Sam Himself playing)
(car honks)
♪ I'll ride into town on an old truck from Japan ♪
♪ Across a dead dust desert ♪
♪ Where the heat rots everything ♪
Miranda... Che sent me. I'm Lyle.
Oh. Fair warning, Lyle...
I smell.
♪ ♪
How bad is it?
(chuckles) I used to shuck oysters in high school,
- so it's nostalgic. - Oh. That's generous.
Thank you so much for driving all the way out here.
Actually, I live out here.
- Yeah, I work at the Malibu Soho House, so. - Malibu Soho, nice.
Lyle: Yeah.
And what do you do there, Lyle?
I'm a mixologist.
Used to be called a bartender
before their margaritas hit 22 bucks.
(both chuckling)
And, uh, how do you know Che?
We were married.
Technically, we still are.
♪ ♪
- (Tony Danza chuckles) - Che: So, ukulele, huh?
- Oh, yeah, you bet. - (both laughing)
That's what I heard. (chuckles)
- Tony Danza: Mm. - (Che chuckling)
- Che. - Mm?
I'm really excited about being in your project.
I feel like there's a "but" coming.
Well, there is. Uh, I-I can't be Mexican.
I mean, it-it's just not gonna fly,
especially these days.
I mean, I thought because he's Mexican-American
and it's a comedy, I thought I'd be okay,
but I'm already getting pushback on social media.
And rightly so. I'm not Mexican.
Okay, but (chuckles) my father's Mexican.
- Yeah, yeah. I know, I know-- - I mean--
but he doesn't have to be.
He can be Italian, like me,
and we switch your mother to Mexican.
But I'm Irish/Mexican.
Ah, Italian is just Irish with better food.
The important thing is to preserve the Mexican.
So, I spoke to ABC, and if you approve,
- your Irish mother is now dead... - Mm.
...and we switch all of her emotional scenes
to the Mexican grandmother, your abuela,
who, by the way, is killing it in the run-throughs.
- Hm. - Listen... kid,
I want you to succeed. I really do.
I think what you're doing here is really important and cute.
I think you're gonna open a lotta hearts and change a lotta minds.
But you're not gonna do that with Tony Danza as a Mexican.
I-I-I've, I've come too far to get canceled now.
And the Danza-lions agree with me.
I'm sorry, the Danza-lions?
My hardcore fans.
Oh.
(light music playing)
So, what got into you last week?
Me. I got into me.
I sometimes get lost in my head.
But those five amazing texts from you helped me find my way back.
(both chuckle)
I have a proposition for you.
I'm all ears.
There's an opportunity to invest in this new private club
here in Manhattan.
They just want $200,000.
So... let's go in as partners,
$100,000 each?
Interesting... And what's this club called, "Red Flag"?
I thought those five texts were suspect.
Three would've been appropriate.
I-I-It's not like that.
Th-This is a legitimate investment.
Yeah, well...
maybe...
but I'm investing in myself.
Juan Jose was wrong.
I was right.
Where are you going?
We're having chocolate mousse.
Who the fuck is Juan Jose?
- (ambient nature sounds) - (car arriving)
- (car door shuts) - (car departing)
You are not gonna believe what just happened to me at dinner.
(Che laughs)
- What's that face? - I don't know your number.
E-Excuse me?
Your phone number.
I had no idea. I had to call Carrie.
Also, I had no idea you're actually married.
Well... technically.
Yeah, we're both such slackers,
we never got around to getting divorced.
Che, I don't know who you are.
Well, (laughs)
well, join the club 'cause up until an hour ago,
I thought I was Mexican/Irish.
(sighs) Tony Danza and ABC just made me Italian.
- La fungoule! (laughs) - I'm serious.
Yeah, and please don't be.
I've got enough on my plate right now.
And we're having so much fun.
Let's, let's not let your lost phone...
become a couple's existential crisis, okay?
My number is three-four-seven...
- five-three-two-- - (Miranda chuckles)
Mm, mm. Nine-nine. Mm, mm.
- (Miranda chuckles) - Are you getting this? Mm.
Mm, mm. (chuckles)
Mm.
Never thought I could, but I can actually live with what I wrote.
(chuckles) Yeah, it's really funny.
Is there, is there an inordinate amount
of box activity in the hallway today?
Chloe: Hey. I hope you're happy.
You two wouldn't talk about her vagina
and now everyone's outta work.
(scoffs) That's ridiculous, Chloe. What happened?
Every show is over, that's what happened.
They sold these studios to Apple or Peach or whatever the fuck.
I told you: sinking ship.
Word of advice, Carrie, next job,
don't be so precious about your pussy.
Well, I'll take that to heart.
(indistinct chatter)
- (elevator dings) - (Franklyn clears throat)
Okay, but...
you've said, more than once, I might add,
that we could always...
- sell the podcast somewhere else. - Well, that was before.
It's hard to sell something that's been canceled.
- Wanna try? - (Franklyn inhales, sighs)
I don't know if it's smart to go any further.
With the podcast?
Carrie...
you've made it pretty clear that you want this to be
a, a Thursday thing,
and... I'm starting to feel like...
maybe I want more.
So, if Thursday's still the case...
I better get out
before I'm all fucked up Friday through Wednesday.
(chuckles)
- Well, I wouldn't want that. - Yeah. Neither would I.
Well...
thank you for the "Sex and the City."
- Double entendre intended. - (Franklyn chuckles)
See? You are the writer.
(lively music playing)
Carrie: And just like that, I freed up my entire week.
♪ ♪