[Clark] Think that video has a lot of views, Wendy?
I think this is my fault…
That depends on your social media consumption.
You know, influencing and whatnot.
Would you plot eight million views as a lot?
Yes, I do. I mean, I only have Facebook to message with my dad.
So it's very high indeed for me.
Tom, could you please stop staring at me?
Oh, I'm sorry. But I'm preoccupied.
This guy glows, our coworker. He… he freaking glows. What the fuck?
Yeah, well, that's an astute point.
Um… [clears throat]
But I'm pretty sure there's a reasonable medical explanation for this?
I mean, I also think it's just really cool. We don't know--
-Okay, I gotta know this-- -Tom!
Stop interrupting me or I will end you.
Amily, I'm not interrupting. I'm collaboratively overlapping.
-You're so full of shit. -Maybe it's lead poisoning.
Have you swallowed any watch batteries lately?
You know what? I gotta know. Can you do anything else besides just glow?
-Of course not. -You can make that Harry Styles song play.
Oh, but I think that was a coincidence, because that song is popular.
-Mm, 2017. -Also, Harry Styles has a third nipple.
I don't know if that's relevant.
I don't-- I don't know.
Gee whiz, Clark. You are getting tons more views. You're blowing up.
Okay, while we're on the topic, can you make other Harry Styles songs play?
[theme music playing]
[man vocalizing]
-[water sizzles] -So, how you feelin', son? You okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Why do you ask?
Uh, because you passed out in your backyard the other night.
Oh, right. Of course.
You have to tell me something because I'm very troubled, my precious son.
Tell you what?
I saw all that hubbub on Twitter.
Oh, you saw that. You saw the glowing thing?
Yeah, I saw that. A lot of people saw that.
-Oh man. -You have to tell me.
How'd you do the trick?
Um-- Well, Pop, it wasn't a trick.
I don't know what it was or what's happening.
-But it wasn't a trick. -Clark, please don't do that to me.
Please.
I mean, it's bullshit, son.
You know, if you're not honest with me, then…
you know, it hurts my feelings.
Pop, I don't wanna hurt your feelings.
But the point is, I'm just
too old to be
bullshat.
Okay.
Not sure you can change the tense of the word like that,
-but I understand what you're saying. -Okay!
-I'm not trying to quibble on grammar. -[sighs] Okay.
It really… It kills me to say this.
But when, and only when
you can be honest with me,
then, and only then
will I give you the honor
of a pleasurable sauna with me.
Pop!
I don't think you should phrase it that way. I'm telling the truth!
And hey, you left your pants in here.
Keep 'em, son. Keep my pants!
Keep everything until we have no more secrets between us.
[sighs] Dang it.
So has anybody learned anything from Operation Why Does Clark Glow?
Well, over here on Team Wendy,
I have come back with virtual tiddly-squat.
Basically, I jumped down two wormholes.
They were alien conspiracy theories and ghost stories.
-Oof. -I'm sorry to say I haven't found much.
Even people who, um, supposedly spontaneously combust--
Oh, my gosh, what? Combust? I-- I'm gonna be blown up?
No, no, no. You don't just simply blow up.
The combustion is from self-heating too quickly,
which can then lead to auto-igniting,
but you don't glow first, so unfortunately we can scratch that one off the list.
Okay, crossing off combustion.
Plus, that's gotta be incredibly rare if it's even a real thing at all.
It's definitely a real thing. It's very real.
Three out of my four uncles combusted.
I don't-- It's not gonna happen to you, though.
For sure, because I had a, uh… What's the pre-- If you think of--
-Premonition. -About them.
All three of them, but not about you!
So, Mohsin, stop freakin' out Clark.
Tom, what are you reading?
[Clark] Yeah, Tom, I noticed nobody in there is burning,
so that's a good start.
Um, did-- did you find some good stuff?
Well, I thought maybe there could be a religious angle to this whole thing,
but I am finding that I am unable to decipher its code.
Did you really think you were just gonna pick that up
and be able to read an ancient language?
Well, you know. I learned pig latin pretty quickly.
Pig latin's not the same as learning a real language, Tom.
-Agree to disagree. -Here's what we do know.
Om-Tay is an ipshit-day.
[laughing]
-What was that? -I knew you wouldn't even know pig latin.
No, well, I know pig latin… I know--
Okay, that was pig… Your accent was terrible.
God, you're an idiot.
Okay, bringing it back to Operation Why Does Clark Glow?
I did a little bit of cross-referencing to glowing
and the New Testament, and I came up with a quote.
"A city on a hill cannot be hidden."
"Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl."
"Instead, they put it on its stand,
and it gives light to everyone in the house."
[both in unison] "In the same way, let your light shine before men
that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven."
Matthew five: 14 through 16.
How-- how did you know that, Clark?
♪ Just stop your cryin' ♪
♪ It's a sign of the times… ♪
Wait a minute. Same song. Why the same song?
I don't know, Tom. I'm not-- I'm not doing it.
You didn't not do it, though.
♪ Hope you're wearing your best clothes… ♪
I think I just need a little bit of air.
[Amily] Okay.
Um…
Keep it up, guys. You're doing great.
That's for you, Tom. Try not to uck-say so ad-bay.
-♪ You look pretty good down here… ♪ -Okay.
Four fingers on that hand. That's not even atomically correct, so…
Hmm. It's not even anatomically correct, either.
-What did I say? -♪ We've been here before ♪
♪ Why are we always stuck And runnin' from… ♪
[camera clicking repeatedly]
Did that guy just take my picture?
No. No.
[whispers] Asshole.
I know this is all, you know, pretty weird…
Well, it's very weird, actually, but, I mean, at least you…
play music that you really love.
I mean, imagine if it was all this plus music you… hated.
Oh…
Well, that's a shame.
[sighs heavily]
I think I'm supposed to help that bird.
Oh.
Like you're getting a… Is there a--
Is there a voice, like, telling you that in your head?
No. I mean, unless my own voice is going…
-What your mind does, yeah… -Doesn't count. I was…
I was referring to, like, if you're hearing a voice that is not your own…
-No. -…in your head, you could be insane.
-But it doesn't seem like you are. -Yeah. No, it's…
It's definitely too late for him.
Oh, it's not a him. It's a her. That's a girl bird.
-Girl bird. -I don't know how I--
-Give me a second. I'm gonna go down here. -Sure.
And I'm gonna see if I can help her out.
Hi, friend. How are we, friend?
-[squawking] -Oh!
-[Amily yelps] Oh no! -Oh, oh! Oh!
-[gasping] -[chirps]
She charged me.
-Oh, she charged you. -She charged me.
-So she's okay. -She's… Yeah. Holy shit!
You're like Moses, man.
-I mean, I think. -[sighs]
I don't really know who specifically Moses is.
I know he's one of the white dudes with a-- with a beard and stuff,
but did Moses, kind of, resurrect dead birds?
I don't have any idea. I was raised Episcopalian.
[whooshing]
["Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum]
[Amily] Holy shit.
-♪ Goin' up to the spirit in the sky ♪ -♪ Spirit in the sky ♪
-♪ It's where I'm gonna go when I die ♪ -♪ When I die ♪
-[Amily] Oh!
[gasps]
-Oh, my God. -No, no, no, no. Not God.
Just one of his humble servants.
[laughs] Are you an angel?
-Yes. -Oh!
-Yeah. [laughs] -That's awesome.
[Amily] That is awesome.
[angel] Clark.
-Oh! Hello. -[laughs] Ah, there he is.
-Hello. -Sorry about that.
I am an angel sent by God.
Oh no.
[metallic humming]
It's great that-- you're an angel and that you're here.
-This is mind-blowing, actually. -Yeah.
-I didn't-- didn't get your name. -Chamuel.
-Samuel. -Chamuel.
-Chamuel.
Chamuel.
Okay, well, Chamuel, um, what in particular brings you by?
Okay, you, Clark,
have been chosen by God
-to help the world. -Oh no.
Really? I was afraid he was gonna say something like this.
-That's all right-- -I was really nervous about exactly this.
So, here's the CliffsNotes version.
Lucifer is currently attempting to, once again,
take over the throne of Heaven,
and it's not going great for the good guys at present.
-Oh no. -Yeah.
Um, quick question. What does being chosen by God to help the world mean?
I don't even know which religion is the right one.
-We know. -The Pennsylvania Dutch would be my guess.
-Mm. -I have to ask. Why me?
I mean, I'm not that guy.
I was never picked in gym class, even when the teams weren't even.
-See, I can, like, visualize that. -Yeah.
I'm not authorized to tell you why God picked you.
I'll do, obviously, whatever I'm supposed to do.
But I don't know what I'm supposed to do, so what am I supposed to do?
Spread the message. Be yourself.
You know, you guys will hear more about this later.
It's all, kind of, part of the process, you know?
-[whooshing] -Sorry, guys. I gotta go.
See ya later.
Don't worry if things get weird. Always the darkest before the dawn.
Unless Lucifer wins.
Yeah, then…
it would be dark.
People would burn.
Yeah.
Oh, don't tell anyone about me. Not yet.
I can't believe it. I mean…
-Uh… Wow. -Holy shit, right?
Yeah.
-Hi, there. -Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm Judy. I'm with USA Today.
Um, I'm a reporter. A junior reporter but still a reporter.
Um, I just wanted to ask you a few questions?
-Really? -You have a problem with the free press?
No, no, no, no. I love the free press. It's, like, the best press.
You write things that people need to read about.
Well, if a kid falls in a well, that's you guys.
And good job on that amendment.
-The one… The good one. -The-- the first one?
-What's that? -The-- the first amendment?
Yeah. I love that one. I put it right up there with the, uh…
"Thou shall not kill," which is cool.
Well, that's not so much an amendment. That's a commandment.
Right. Anyway, Judy, it's been a blast meeting you,
but it's been a weird day, and I feel a little blarfy,
just on the tinge of blarfness,
so I'm wondering if we could talk at a time that's maybe not now?
It can be quick. I wanted to ask you a few questions
about the situation you experienced at the restaurant.
-I have to go. Really nice meeting you. -Oh, well…
We could-- we could set up a time that works for you!
Will-- will you-- will you at least take my card?
It has been such a pleasure meeting you.
[sighs]
[phone ringing]
[Tom whispers] Wake up.
Hey, guys?
Hey, Frisbee.
Hey, I have noticed
that you guys have not been doing your actual job,
helping people with their computer problems and IT issues,
-for a couple of days now. -[Amily] Uh…
It's a lot more than a couple days, Frisbee,
but something really important is going on with Clark, so…
Yeah, the guy glows, Frisbee.
Yeah. Yeah, I know that Clark glows.
-You do? -Yeah, it doesn't bother me.
More importantly, it doesn't bother corporate. Okay?
As long as we all stay HR compliant, it's fine.
-[sighs] -Of course, if you have a grievance,
please, please file the L2 waiver, right?
Then you and I can sit down, and we can have a very meaningful,
blue-sky, guided dialogue.
I'm sorry. Did you say somethin'?
No. Let's, uh… let's dare to be great today, guys.
Hey, Clark.
-HR approves of your glowing. -Oh.
-Okay, thank you, Frisbee. -Okay.
Hey, where have you been?
-Oh, I was, um… back in the… -No, no, no.
You don't have to answer. What are you doin'?
We know where he's been. You don't need to kick him while he's down.
What are you talking about? I was just asking him a question.
Oh my goodness. Clark, if I may, we all know you've been having tummy trouble,
what with the social media hubbub surrounding the glowing,
-all that stuff, it's stressful. -Yeah!
Yeah, I mean, you know, and my dad's still mad at me.
There you go. And his dad's still mad at him. Jesus, girlfriend, dish.
Um, well, he thinks that I'm lying about the glowing.
You know, if this glowing thing is really having some kind of religious connotation,
it just seems that all the figures that God sort of challenges or tests,
well, they-- they all kind of go through it, you know?
I mean, Saint Bartholomew was-- he was skinned.
Um, Hazrat Yusuf was thrown into a well and sold to slavery by his brothers.
Jesus, Mohsin.
What are you trying to do? Are you trying to give him more diarrhea
than the level of diarrhea that he currently is having?
Of course I'm not trying to give him more diarrhea than the current level.
I'm not some kind of monster.
Well, stop grilling him while he's got diarrhea.
-Yeah. -That's not gonna help his system.
-You're gonna be fine. -Okay.
You'll be fine. Diarrhea rarely kills people.
We don't even know that this is a religious thing.
Talking about all this stuff. We don't know.
Maybe Mohsin was right, maybe you're just gonna spontaneously combust.
-Mm. Maybe. -What?
I doubt it. I doubt it. It's a low, low percentage.
No, look, I think the religious angle is the only thing that makes any sense to me.
Okay?
What I can't figure out, though, and no offense for this one, my friend.
But why would anybody pick Clark?
That is-- No offense taken at all, Wendy. What a great question.
-Why would anyone choose me? -Well--
So there you go.
I don't know if I think that's a great question. No offense, Wendy.
But just because Clark is the last person that you would expect God to choose,
doesn't mean that God chose the wrong guy.
God would probably choose someone simple. Sweet.
Oh, well, that's not me. I mean, I'm not simple and sweet. I'm very edgy, actually.
If you're so edgy, what are your favorite hobbies, Clark?
Oh, thank you so much for asking.
My favorite hobbies would be, um, taking saunas with my father
and having nice conversations.
-Oh my gosh, I am simple. -But you're sweet too.
What does this mean? Do I have to start a ministry?
-No. -I don't know how to.
I'm not the kind of person who joins clubs.
I don't know. And if I'm supposed to help God, I don't know how to do it.
Who said you have to help God?
Uh… no one. He didn't-- he didn't say that anyone said that.
-No one said that. No person said that. -I was--
-I don't-- -You said it.
He just said it.
-Because you said it. -I'm not being untruthful.
You're a person. I'm a person. No person said anything about that.
Right, so no person, I think, but--
Who said you need to help God? Just getting back to the first question.
[Amily] You did.
I did? I guess I did.
I think what's happening here is we've just been too tunnel-visioned.
We're all feeling the stress of it.
-Yeah. -Maybe I should just take you home.
I don't know if your…
if your system can take a scooter ride right now.
Oh, actually, no, I-- that-- that sounds really good, and thank you.
My system is actually fine.
You guys were talking a lot about it, but I don't actually have it.
-You don't have what? -I don't have…
[quietly] I don't have diarrhea.
-You don't have what? -[quietly] I don't have diarrhea.
[loudly] Oh, he's saying he doesn't have diarrhea.
-I-- -Like, after all.
-We thought he had diarrhea. He doesn't. -[Clark] I don't.
-Doesn't have it after all. -It went the other way.
-Oh. -You're plugged up.
Yeah, but I don't even like to talk about it.
It's something that sort of-- It was brought to me…
I feel like now I'm talking about it more than I wanted to.
-It's not-- -Oh my God. People poo!
-Yuck, Tom. -People poo.
-It's a fact of life! A fact! -Oh God.
Whether a lot or a little. I poo seven to eight times a day, and that's normal.
-Jesus! -Seven to eight times is not normal.
All right, Wendy. The point is
my man and our leader Clark can keep that bound up if he wants.
Okay, pause. Since when was Clark our leader?
Yeah, why is Clark our leader?
I didn't make us our leader. I-- I'm so sorry.
No, no, no, you misunderstand. Of course he didn't make himself leader.
-And he glows! -[Clark sighs]
Can we go?
[whistle blows]
Come on. Way ahead of you.
Oh. Bye, guys.
-Bye, Clark. -See ya, Clark.
On your side, bud.
[crickets chirping]
[dog barking]
Hi, Skittles.
Do you like cats?
Um… I can honestly say that I have almost no opinion of cats.
Oh really? I have two. This is Skittles.
And as you can see, she's a real snack machine. [chuckles]
They're so sweet. They're so sweet.
Ah! There you go.
[whispers] All right. All right. Go play. Go play.
[sighs]
-Mm. -How you doin', Clark?
You know, uh… I think I'm doing really good, really well.
You know, just so good. I'm just kinda… you know, just chillin'.
Just enjoying the evening and just kinda… [coughs] Everything's really good.
-You seem really anxious. -Do I?
You know, that might just be because, I don't know, um…
[sighs] You know, we met an angel, is one thing.
And then, um, you know, apparently, uh… there's a lot of responsibilities
on my plate for some reason, even though I didn't ask for it.
It's fine, because who doesn't want them? Because responsibility's a fine thing.
But, then, also, how do you get God's message out when you're supposed to--
How do you feel now?
-I feel a lot better. Thank you. -Mm.
[laughs]
I think everything's gonna be just fine.
Footage of an average-looking man
who, as you can see, seems to glow with a very bright light.
Our own Susan Storm interviewed the influential Reverend Milton Throp.
So, Reverend, you're saying this glowing has a religious reason behind it?
No, I'm saying that that is exactly what this…
false witness, Clark Thompson, is trying to make us believe.
To see this deceiver attempt to confuse our fellow citizens
with false miracles and trickery, well, it makes me very angry.
This shyster, whoever he is, is, at best, a charlatan, and at worst
a horrible agent of the Devil.
Agent of the Devil.
I didn't… That did not go as positively as I had hoped for.
I mean, come on, who is this guy?
He's never met me. He doesn't know me.
I mean, I think God picked the wrong person.
I don't think he picked the wrong person.
We don't have to watch any more TV.
We could do something entirely different.
For the record, I did not mean to do that.
I like it.
-[woman] This is the place! -[man 1] I believe in you, Clark!
[man 2] You're a blasphemer!
Blasphemers like you will burn in hell! You will burn in hell forever!
[man 3] Clark, you're the messiah!
[sighs] I'm really sorry.
I-- I can walk you to your scooter. I can take you home. I'm so sorry.
I can't say it's not weird, because it's…
it's weird.
I mean, it's-- Yeah, it's batshit.
But maybe if we just drink enough tequila, it'll seem okay.
[laughs]
I don't really drink, so I'm okay.
Well, you should consider starting.
[man 4] Charlatan!
[man 1] Clark!
[all chanting] Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark!
Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark! Clark!
[theme music playing]
[man vocalizing]