[ethereal music playing]
[Judy] When I first wrote about Clark Thompson, the man who glows,
I had in my mind the inspiration of, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
I had a thousand excuses as to why Clark couldn't possibly be a messenger of God
before I met him.
Because even though I personally do believe in God and Santa Claus,
seeing true evidence seemed somehow impossible.
But after meeting Clark and experiencing his peculiar powers,
I can honestly say that I do believe in God.
And I do believe that Clark is his latest messenger.
Whether anyone chooses to believe me in the face of overwhelming evidence,
including the arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, is their business.
But no matter how many clicks I get, I know this is the truth.
[Throp] Now this Clark Thompson even has his friends
pretending to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It's horsepeople, you dick!
[Throp] I mean, this madness has got to stop!
I've created a bit of a catchphrase recently. You might have heard it.
-[man] Right, Reverend. That's right! -Only the righteous are right.
-[woman] Yeah! -And it's true.
Only those who believe in Christ in the correct way are right.
But, Reverend, by that logic,
what do you say to all the Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus,
and followers of the Jewish faith?
-[woman] Speak the truth! -[man] Jesus saves!
I would advise every single one of them to convert to Christianity immediately,
unless they wish to burn in Hell forever
-in everlasting torment and pain. -[man] Amen!
God bless you all.
[all chattering]
-That was harsh. -Oh! That was great. I have chills.
Oh! [laughs]
-Thank you, Satalinda. -Oh!
It takes a strong man to speak such truth, don't you think?
Very strong. Great presence.
-Well… -Trust me.
-Oh, well, I do. For everything. -[Satan laughs]
-And great for ratings. -Yes.
[both laughing]
Listen, we're gonna be doing some more interviews soon.
I just have a few fires I need to put out. Maybe start a few too.
Ooh!
-You take care, Margie. -Uh…
No-- It's Maggie.
God, I like her. She's good people.
-You lookin' at my cards? -No, but you need to…
-I know. -Okay, I've got another one. Four down.
A three-letter word for "hen."
-Hen. -It fits.
[Tom] Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's us. Hi.
-Hey! I didn't know you were coming. -Hi.
Yeah, I, um… I asked them.
I figured when Satan is FaceTiming your fella and threatening to kill him,
and torture all of our souls for eternity, it's time to call in the troops.
I'll tell ya something else. It's not every day you get to whoop Satan's ass.
-You know? Come on. Who's with me? -Whoa, whoa.
-[Wendy] Don't hurt yourself, Tom. -Tom…
Go easy.
Uh… And I don't think you wanna be fighting Satan, buddy.
Tell you the truth, no. I mean, that's boss level, hard mode, right?
And I'm really not that good a fighter. She'll tell you.
You're not great.
I'm also hoping that God is listening
and sees that I'm trying to be really brave, even though it's quite terrifying.
-Hey, that has to count for something. -I hope--
-Hey, gang. -[all] Oh!
-[Amily screams] -Frisbee!
-[all sigh] -Wait, wait. This guy's an angel?
-Indeed I am. -You must be a… a mid-level angel, right?
-How did you know that? -The tie.
Mental note about the tie.
Can you even get any air with those stubby little chicken wings?
Yes, I can. But I need a push to go in a certain direction.
-Are you okay, Frisbee? -Yeah, I think so.
What about Chamuel? Satan said she killed him.
[Frisbee] I don't know. When I returned, Satan was there.
And she was holding a sword that had blood on it.
-[Clark] Oh, God. Oh my God. -[Tom] Oh, no.
But I didn't see Chamuel. I didn't see Chamuel's body.
And she is known to fib.
But that is not why I'm here.
Guys, I have to tell you, the spell that is keeping Satan out of this hospital…
-It expires at dawn. -Uh…
What? Why?
I'll be straight with you.
-It better not be paperwork! -It has to do with paperwork.
-Oh my God. -Oh--
-[Amily] Come on! -[Wendy] Come on! God!
-[rumbling] -Oh no. Something bad. I gotta go.
-[all gasp] -[Tom] Wait, wait, wait!
[all groan]
-Come on! -What?
I have to use the restroom. -Copy that, buddy. I'll come with you.
No, thank you.
Look what I got. Who wants coffee?
-Oh. -Wow.
Thank you.
-Decaf. Nice. -[Famine] Cheers.
Doughnut?
This is one of your jokes, isn't it?
-[chuckles] -I'm Famine.
Just having a little coffee and doughnuts, are we?
-Not doin' the work at hand? -Oh, we don't take questions from ladies.
Oh! [laughs]
-Smack! -Ah!
Well, now you do, shit-mouth.
-Do you know who you're talking to? -I'm sorry, Satan.
I didn't recognize you in this form.
You're a filthy sewer mouth. I don't accept your apology.
Why aren't you ushering in the apocalypse? I mean, you're here, aren't you?
So let's make with the devastation, huh?
We-- we got orders to come here and begin.
But now we have other orders to await further instructions.
-And who's giving the orders? -I… Well, I…
-Answer the question. -[choking]
Both sides are.
[growling]
[War] We're here to do the job as per Lucifer's command.
-He brought us here. -[Satan] Uh-huh.
But now the other side has told us to stand down.
So who are you going to listen to?
Well, we don't know.
The war in Heaven's unsettled.
And it's pretty uncertain who the hell is exactly in charge right now.
We are largely here for the pageantry.
[gasps] The pageantry!
Oh, listen to you, Miss America.
The pageantry!
Okay!
Well, well, well.
Your name is War!
So which one of you assholes is gonna burn the fuck out of the Earth?
-[Death] Uh… -[groans]
Well, could someone help me get in that building?
Well, it's my understanding that the structure has been Harry Pottered.
-I guess you're out of luck. -Shut up.
Fine. I'll just go kill Clark myself.
That's why I don't date demons.
-[grunts] -[man] Hey, what are you doing?
-[Satan yells] -[man groans]
-One stroppy bitch, isn't she? -[Pestilence] Think so.
Okay, I got this. Don't worry about it.
Hi. How you doin'? I'm Death.
Okay, you haven't got long to go. Okay. You're dead. Good. He's dead.
[sighs] This could really be the end.
[whoosh]
-Hi! -Oh, sweetie.
[chuckles]
-You're alive! -Oh, yes.
Chamuel is with us too. Though I have seen him in better shape.
Satan lied, honey.
You do know that she used to be on our side? Perfect angel.
And then she turned.
Now she's a really bad duck.
So happy to see you. First of all, without you, there's nothing.
Oh!
And really wish I'd done a better job getting your message out.
You could have done better, but you also could have done worse, you know?
-The skywriter misspelled a lot of words. -I know.
But that's not the real problem.
The problem is that, these days,
a lot of folks don't really even care if there's a God at all.
[chuckles]
Oh. Oh!
Oh… Oh.
-Think that would be easier for you. -[both chuckle]
Not really great with the physical plane. Yeah.
Clark, the war in Heaven isn't going in the right direction.
It ain't over yet, but if I don't set my full attention to it,
Lucifer could take over.
And I might not have a chance to have any say
in whether I'm okay with that or not.
So I'm going to be out of pocket for a while.
-You'll be on your own. -Oh.
That's not perfect at all.
Well, it is what it is, you know?
So you need to grab your girl, Amily,
and get out of here as fast as you can, because I might need you later.
Okay.
Was Amily chosen too?
Oh, yes.
I brought her to you and you to her. She's good people.
Anyway, you need to get out while you can.
And then figure out some sort of a way to get my message across better. Okay?
Right. If you wanted to tell me how to do it exactly,
this would be a great time.
You will know when you know.
-Wanna try something fun? -Sure.
I'm going to tell you where you need to go next.
That's so cool!
-Fun, right? -It's in my brain!
[chuckles] Anyway, I've gotta scoot and, uh…
either save the world or not.
-Cheerio. -Cheerio.
No coffee this time. Okay. [sighs]
-[phones ringing] -[distant chatter]
Hi.
Hey. Where…
You were in the bathroom for three and a half hours.
I looked in the bathroom several times. No one was there.
Well, I was in there. I was… I was talking to God.
-What? Okay. -[Pop] Wow.
Every time I don't follow you into the bathroom, you talk to the boss.
Why doesn't God just quickly kill Satan, and then we can all go home?
-I don't think it's that easy. -Oh, gosh. Okay.
I think the Lord helps those who help themselves, so I've heard, and, uh…
Well, God told me to run away.
-Oh. -Yeah, I gotta go.
So, uh, do you wanna run away with me?
Yeah. Sure.
Really?
I got nothin' else to do.
Thanks. That's amazing.
Um… And helpful, because, uh, you've been chosen too.
-God said that about me? -[Clark] Mm-hmm.
-[Mohsin] What? -That's awesome.
I always knew you had it in you. Well done.
[Pop] Oh, what a beautiful moment.
Where's my-- where's my phone?
-Oh… -Here.
-Here you go. -Dad…
You know, I, uh… I might not see you for a while,
so I'm gonna take this picture.
-Okay. -[Pop] Yeah.
-I'm so proud of you. -Yeah. I'll be in touch, though.
I know. But you gotta-- You gotta do what you gotta do, right?
-It's low. Raise that camera up. -[Pop] Okay, pose for me.
-Pose for me. -Pretty low.
-With beautiful Amily. -Lift it slightly.
-Stop saying "pose."
-It'd help me feel less posed. -Just click it.
-I'm only seeing myself. -[Wendy] Oh, um…
-[Mohsin] Yeah. -Wait, what?
-Just press the middle button. -Flip it?
-[Wendy] No, that side-- -[Mohsin] No…
[Wendy] Back around and just hit the center one.
I think my smile's turning weird. I'm holding it too long.
-[Wendy] Quickly. -And click.
-Yeah, I know how to use a phone. -Beg your pardon.
-[Amily] Hold it up. -[Tom] I could make a boomerang.
Got it.
Could you text that to me?
That's your phone, sir.
Oh, right. [chuckles]
I'm sorry. Can't we all go?
[sighs] Sorry. God only mentioned Amily.
I guess that we're pretty much mincemeat in the eyes of God now, aren't we?
-No. -We are.
I think-- I think God just wants you guys all to stay safe.
That's nice.
[sighs] Well, what do you think?
Ready to get goin'? I think I know where we're supposed to go.
-God just implanted it in your head? -Yeah, I even know the route.
-Which is kind of neat. -That's very cool.
-Where are you going? -I can't tell you, Mohsin. It's not safe.
-God. You sound so cool saying that. -And I thank you so very much.
If it's not safe, I'm not letting you go anywhere. Not without me.
-I need you to do something important. -Of course. Anything.
Look after my cats. They mean the world to me.
And just FYI, Skittles loves beer, and Honey really loves tequila.
Do you give my cats, like, a lot of alcohol, or…
Oh, what do you consider a lot?
I guess any would be a lot with a cat.
-Please don't give them alcohol. -Oh, shit. The sun's coming up.
Frisbee said we'd lose our Harry Potter at dawn.
[people scream]
Who puts a time limit on Harry Pottering stuff?
-Okay, that can't be good. -No.
[distant voices shouting]
-Let's go this way. -Okay. Okay.
[Amily] Oh, God…
-Oh! -That's a pull.
Yeah, that's a pull!
[Clark] Let's go.
[yelling]
[people shouting]
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
-Sorry! -[Clark] Excuse us.
[Satan growling]
[man grunting]
Come on, go. Come on, come on!
[crowd clamoring]
Well, well, well. It seems the charlatan shall always run away from the light.
You cannot avert the eyes of AOHN from your evil ways.
Do you guys actually believe your own bullshit?
Amily.
I'm so sorry that you lost your parents so young.
And I'm really sorry that your aunt was so horrible to you,
saying that you'd never be worth anything.
That's why you always pick lint off your shirt,
because she always said you were dirty.
I'm really sorry.
How did you know that? I've never told anyone that.
Deos te absolves.
God forgives me?
Liquore alais linguia?
Yes. You are speaking a different language.
Am I translating Latin for you?
-How did you do that? -I don't know.
I've memorized the exit plans. There's seven exits in total.
Which one do we take?
The front door. It's the most obvious. She would never think we would choose it.
I mean, I-- I think. Or-- I'm not sure.
If it's okay, I'm gonna kiss you right now.
-Ooh! Uh… Well, um, that's perfectly… -Okay.
Uh… Kids.
Hey. Uh, hey. We gotta go.
-Right. Imminent death. Okay, let's go. -Yeah.
Excuse me! Uh…
-Thank you so much for that. -It's okay.
[Frisbee] Oh, no. God.
Hey, buddy.
It's great to see ya again.
You ready to come join our team?
No. No.
I am here to watch over Clark. And that's what I'm going to do.
Even though they don't respect you?
Our side can give you stuff. All kinds of stuff.
Like a room
full of files
that never ever ends.
Well…
-That sounds really good, honestly. -Mm-hmm.
But you're also the Lord of Lies.
[growls]
So I'm gonna stay on track, and…
I don't wanna hurt you, but I have been known--
[groans]
I was saying-- Oof! Oh!
-[groans] -Wow.
-That stung. -Frisbee!
How are you taking this much punishment? It's very impressive.
It's a funny story. If we could stop fighting, we could talk about it.
-[groans] -I don't have that time.
But can I ask you something?
-Oh-- -Can we always stay friends?
You're so pretty. [choking]
I know.
-[grunts] -[gasps]
[crowd exclaiming]
-[Frisbee groans] -[all gasp]
-[screams] -Well, that Frisbee didn't fly.
[clicks teeth]
[groans]
Oh my God. Throp, listen to me.
That man that has smashed on top of that ambulance is an angel.
He's an actual angel of God.
We can't stay here. It's not safe for Clark. So will you help him?
Will you help him?
Somebody help me with that man!
-[all yelling] -[Amily] Move! Move!
I think this is all gonna work.
-Whoo! -[both yell]
[Satan laughs]
Worked for me.
I'm going to kill all of you
and then suck the marrow out of your souls.
I feel bad for you.
[mimics Wendy] Oh, you do feel so bad for me?
I've seen inside your heart.
You want those other demons to respect you.
You want for them to look up to you.
You shouldn't be here finishing off weak mortals.
You belong in the great battle in Heaven, garnering the ultimate glory.
You deserve to be the one in charge.
That's right.
That's what I see too.
And that's what I deserve.
And that's what I'm going to get.
[both gasp]
Come on, Horsemen! Yaaah!
I don't know if we'll make it. I never wanted to get trampled.
Not exactly on anyone's wish list. Just go, go, go, go!
Did you just mind-control Satan?
It was like I could see inside her evil heart
and see the vanity that was in there,
and told her she should pursue what she really wants to do.
-She did, and it was amazing! -Thanks.
Hey, stop! Weren't we supposed to meet Tom here?
[horses neighing]
You shall not pass!
[neighing]
Guys, they're confused by my half-nakedness.
-Get the hell outta here! Go, go! -Thanks, Tom!
[Clark] Here. Can you drive?
[Tom] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh my God!
Where's his pants?
Okay, demons.
[sword swishing]
That sword's obviously fake.
[gabbling]
-Ha! -I said don't pass.
-I said don't… -[engine revving]
[Tom] Okay. Okay.
[tires squealing]
[horses neighing]
Why did I take my clothes off?
I hope Frisbee's okay.
Yeah, I… I bet he is. I mean, he's an angel.
That… That has to count for something, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
-I hope you're right. -Yeah.
-[sighs] -I wanna know, where is Satan?
[sighs] I don't know. I can't even get a vibe. Usually, I…
I was hoping maybe I'd have some kind of feeling about it.
-And I don't. -Nothing?
Nothing. But I don't think God would leave us to deal with her on our own.
I hope not.
I just want everybody to be all right.
I even want God to be all right.
[sighs] Yeah.
-And Chamuel. -[sighs]
Weird times, when you've gotta pray for the angels.
Yeah.
All I'm seeing on a continuous loop is Tom in his tiny underpants, so…
He really showed up, huh?
-They all did. -Yeah.
Thank you for coming with me.
Of course.
[static crackles]
-♪ Stars shining bright above you… ♪ -The Mamas and the Papas.
I-- I love the Mamas and the Papas.
-They're my favorite after Rush. -♪ Night breezes seem to whisper ♪
-♪ "I love you…" ♪ -I know.
-♪ Birds singing… ♪ -How? Did I ever tell you that?
♪ In the sycamore tree… ♪ -No.
♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪
♪ Say "nighty night" and kiss me ♪
♪ Just hold me tight ♪
-♪ And tell me you'll miss me… ♪ -I love you.
-♪ While I'm alone and blue as can be… ♪ -I love you too.
Even though you already knew that.
-♪ Dream a little dream of me… ♪ -I knew it.
You know what?
-Maybe everything will be just fine. -♪ Da, da-da, da-da-da-da… ♪
[Amily] Maybe.
-♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da… ♪ -[bugs buzzing]
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
[buzzing grows louder]
♪ Just stop your cryin' ♪
♪ It's a sign of the times ♪
♪ We gotta get away from here ♪
♪ Just stop your cryin' ♪
♪ It'll be all right ♪
♪ They told me that the end is near ♪
♪ We gotta get away from here ♪
♪ Just stop your cryin' ♪
-♪ Have the time of your life ♪ -♪ Your life, your life ♪
♪ Breaking through the atmosphere ♪
♪ And things are pretty good from here ♪
♪ Remember everything will be all right ♪
♪ Right, right ♪
♪ We can meet again somewhere ♪
♪ Somewhere far away from here ♪
♪ We never learn, we been here before ♪
♪ Why are we always stuck And runnin' from the bullets? ♪
♪ The bullets? ♪
♪ We never learn, we been here before ♪
♪ Why are we always stuck And runnin' from the bullets? ♪
♪ The bullets? ♪
♪ We got to, we got to, away ♪
♪ We got to, we got to ♪
♪ Away ♪