[indistinct conversations]
Everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Ma'am?
Ma'am. Sir?
Stop. Stop talking, please.
Thank you.
Now I know you're all looking at each other like,
"Who is this jerk interrupting my chicken wings?"
Well, I'm Stebe, and I want to make a toast
to my beautiful wife, Deb, AKA the lucky winner of today's
KQAC Alternative Radio's call-in grand prize --
a $100 gift card here at Chucklebee's.
And a free copy of "The Matrix" on DVD.
So...
Anyway, don't let me interrupt.
[laughs]
[conversations resume]
[glass clinks] Can ev-- Can everyone pause for second?
I have a speech to make. Let's quiet down now.
Now you're probably all saying to each other,
"God, we just had to listen to a toast.
Now we gotta listen to this hot piece'a ass
make another speech?"
[Stebe laughs]
I just wanted to say that after winning today's
KQAC call-in prize,
I just feel like the luckiest bitch in the --
Oh, yeah! Gimme those
sizzling fajitas, baby! Oooh! Here we go!
Ho, ho! Yes!
You know what I love about this place?
The food is [Italian accent] "just like a-mama used to make."
[laughter]
Aye, fuggeddabatttit. [laughter]
Oh, my God, if anyone heard us right now,
they'd put us in a mental institution.
Yeah, I'm crazy, too. Watch this. [farts]
Matt, how dare you do that! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Well, there goes my fucking appetite! Aaaaahhh!
So sorry to interrupt. My son over there farted,
and I just wanted to apologize for that.
Hi, I-I'm sorry.
You guys might be smelling something kind of weird.
My son farted.
Hey, ladies, just doing some damage control.
Did you guys happen to hear or smell anything weird?
Let us pay for your Jalapeño Poppers, please?
A thousand apologies, a thousand apologies.
Cause if you did, it was probably definitely him.
Right there. He farted.
♪♪
[sobbing]
♪♪
[sighs] Deb, when are you finally gonna throw those out?
Never! I'll never get rid of these!
[sighs] Where did we go wrong, Stebe?
Farting? In public?
It's just playing in my head on a loop.
I keep asking myself, could I have stopped it?
Theo, stop blaming yourself.
Well, why should he, Deb?!
Honey, you're yelling. You're damn right I'm yelling!
We got a kid up there who thinks he can win us over
by pulling an off-color stunt like that?!
I'll tell you what he needs --
a taste of our dad's medicine when we stepped out of line.
What? O-Oh, no, Theo, no. We're not doing that.
He's not ready. It's not time.
Time for what?
♪♪
Matt, The Night of Passage is a punishment created
to turn little bad boys into rock-hard Hornsby men.
All you have to do is survive one night
in the rugged wilderness.
Uhh...
I don't think we should camp here.
Well, we're not. You are.
Yeah, no, I don't want to camp here. You're lucky, dude.
Back in our day, this place didn't have
all these meth heads here to protect us.
See you in the morning, stinker.
[door opens, closes]
[tires screech]
♪♪
[honks]
The ol' Hornsby Night of Passage, aye?
It seems so cruel.
Leaving a little boy out in the middle of nowhere?
Matt doesn't even know how to make a Pop-Tart.
Deborah, I can assure you,
if your boy makes it out alive,
he'll return rehabilitated.
And he'll be nuzzled in your warm bosom a rock-hard man.
Ooh! We're screwed!
We're utterly and completely screwed!
Darberus, let's settle down. Get a hold of yourself.
Now tell us what happened.
There's a whistleblower. Oh, fuck! [screams]
Everyone, go home and pack a bag of any shit you can't live without.
[screams] [shaking]
I'll start burning the building down now.
What are you talking about?! There's no time!
How much would this man painting go for?! [thuds]
[Holly] Thing's broken.
[gasps]
Holly! What are you doing out here?
Who's this lump of crap?
Oh, Matt, this is my boyfriend, Oscar.
He lives out here.
S'true. I'm a bad boy. I live out here.
He is so bad.
How long you been on the streets?
Uhh...
♪♪
Too long to count.
Parents kicked me out of the house
for farting at Chucklebee's.
They asked me to stop and I said to them, "Take a hike."
- Whoa! Now that's bad. - What?
♪♪
That -- That -- That's not that bad.
I once shit my pants at Kenny's Lobster Shack.
He's so bad. Yeah.
Don't worry. He's good people, babe.
We know each other from school.
Pfft. School? I remember school.
I shit my pants there, too. That's why I had to leave.
Whoa! Cool! Oh! Yeah!
He is so bad.
C'mon, babe. Let's get away from Lisa.
Who? Lisa Simpson?
She also loved school. Dork.
[teen] He's so bad. Ugh. School.
Idiot, Matt.
I gotta admit, that was a little bit harder than I expected.
Don't know how you did it, Pops.
"I love my son. I hope he doesn't die today."
[laughs] You sound like a pussy, dude.
You did the right thing, old man.
'Cause every time I did a Night of Passage,
I came home 10 times harder than when I left. Yeah, me too.
Uh, no, dude. Sorry. You're soft.
I'm not soft. I'm hard!
You wanna feel how hard I am?! Try me, dude!
[beeping] What was that?
What? That beeping.
You don't hear that? Is that the car?
How long's it been since you changed the oil in this thing?
A long time. Is that bad?!
What?! Are you kidding me?!
This thing's a traveling time bomb.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stop! Stop panicking!
You're freaking me out! Dude, chill!
Fuck it! I'm bailing!
Aaahh! [grunts]
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[grunts]
[groaning]
Shit!
♪♪
[grunts]
[beeping]
Whoa.
[beeping continues]
Dad, I got your wheelchair!
Am I on fire?
Okay. Now... Al, tell me about this "whistleblower."
Deborah, have a seat.
[clicks]
Welcome to the Hornsby Wrestling Federation.
In this corner, you've got me, Johnny Havok.
And I'm the Black Raven,
king of night and master of the dark arts.
Uhh... And I don't give a heck about any of all y'all.
Except my dad,
who's gonna love me more than ever after today's bloodbath.
Hey, Dad, hope you're finally ready to love me.
Oh, not this.
This is some sort of odd ritual
the boys used to do in the backyard.
Alright, you men ready to engage in battle?
Darby, is that you?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Let's get it on.
Ehhhhhhh. Oh, shit.
- Aw, come on. - That was getting good.
♪ Utzi Wutzi ♪
♪ Utzi Wutzi, Utzi Wutzi ♪
♪ Utzi Wutzi ♪
What is this? This is from a documentary talkie
your father-in-law demanded we produce.
I call them the Utzi Wutzis.
Here they are learning about the joys of a hard day's work.
It's capitalism at its finest.
With a twist, though. I don't pay them a penny.
Actually, I don't even know why I'm whispering.
They can't understand a damn thing I'm saying. Utzi!
Oh, shit! Cut the camcorder!
Everyone knows Royal Crackers used to use illegal aliens
to run their factories.
We issued an apology statement, remember?
I mean, wha-- uh, what --
I mean, what -- what else are we supposed to do?
Yes, but, um, we actually never did, uh... stop.
[stammering] I mean, what?!
[bee buzzing]
Aaah!
Hey! Look who's finally awake.
Ugh. Well, as long as I saved Dad
from that death trap of a car.
Oh, yeah, that beeping wasn't the oil, dude.
I just changed it yesterday. It was actually this.
[beeping] The heck is that?
It's some kind of tracking device
that fell out of Dad's wheelchair.
This thing probably leads to a treasure chest full of cash
or, I dunno, something you would like.
Like a pile of dress shirts.
We don't know what it is.
It's probably in some gnarly cave
where we're gonna have to fight off skeletons with swords,
but once we do, we'll be richly rewarded. [grunting]
And look, if you don't want to be part of that,
cool, that's great, actually.
Then I don't have to split the spoils with you.
But don't come crawling back to me and Dad,
when we're in our palace, neck deep in titties,
living like Lil Jon.
Aah! Dad! Shit!
[both panting]
Oh, God! Daddy!
♪♪
Yeah!
Thank God.
Shit! Aaahh!
♪♪
Dad! Oh!
[beeping]
Stebe! I've got great news!
Aah! The beeping's getting faster.
I think that means we're on the right traaaaaaaa...
Aaaaaahhhhhhh!
[knock on door]
[Deb] Carl Langley, editor-in-chief?
That's right. And who --
Well, I'm Deb effing Hornsby,
AKA this week's KQAC call-in prize winner.
And your worst nightmare!
Listen, I don't care what you say, lady,
I'm running that story.
Aaaahhhh! [stammering]
Aaaahhh!
[breathing heavily]
Okay, okay, fine, I won't run the story.
But you should know this guy has gone out to multiple outlets,
"The Oildale Times," "The Victorville Metro,"
"The Gelman's Coupon Flyer."
Somebody is gonna run it.
Carl, god damn it, gimme the source. No, I can't.
You can threaten me all you want, but I abide by something
called journalistic integrit--
[grunts]
His name is Stuart Glandville. I'll email you his address.
Anyway, I know I shouldn't
be lookin' at adult stuff on the Internet.
But when that age verification pops up,
a voice in my head says, "Lie. Tell 'em you're 22."
I guess I'm just destined to be bad.
Babe, they could put you
in a mental institution for talking like that.
Good. That's where I belong.
Uh, I was in a mental institution once.
Really? Shut up. Yeah, had to get out of there
cause they were treatin me like a jerk.
Since then, I've been taking care of myself.
I cook whatever I find. I make beds out of trash.
- Whoa. - [chuckles]
A few months ago, I even took out my own appendix.
That's, like, so bad.
What? How'd you do that?
Wasn't that hard, honestly.
You watch enough web videos,
you can pretty much be your own doctor.
All you gotta do is lie on the age verification.
- [chuckles] Yeah. - Talk about bad.
[howling in distance] [coughs]
Dad? Theo? Oh -- Oh, no.
They -- They drowned! They're dead!
We're not dead, you dumbass. We're right over here.
You were facedown in the water for like an hour.
Why didn't you get me out of the river?
Because I'm not your mommy. Why didn't you get me out?
Wha-What? We're going in circles here, dude.
Now can we please continue to hunt for Dad's treasure?
This tracker's beeping like crazy.
♪♪
Man, my eye's really stinging.
Probably got infected while you were sleeping in that river.
Don't worry, with the money we're about to find,
you'll be able to afford as many eyes as you want.
Hell, I might even get a few extra myself.
[beeping rapidly] [chuckles]
Holy fuck!
Utzi. Utzi Wutzi.
Aah!Aah!
Hornsby.
♪♪
[knock on door]
Hi, Stuart. Deb Hornsby.
What do you want? May I come in?
We want to hire you back, Stuart, with a 5% raise.
And all you have to do is keep your mouth shut.
I have the contract right here. Whaddya say?
Sorry, Deb. This story is hot.
I'm about to get me some of that whistleblower money.
Please, Stuart! I'll do anything!
I'm not even supposed to be in charge!
My husband's on a camping trip! I don't know what to do!
[sobbing] Oh, God. Oh, God!
Can you please stop slobbering all over my couch?
It's pathetic.
Stuart! I'm a mess!
Get out of my house. I'm just a stupid woman!
I don't know what to do! Get out of my house, Deb.
[sobbing]
Oh, Stuart!
♪♪
Utzi Wutzi.
Hornsby. Hornsby!
Hornsby. Hornsby.
- Hornsby. Hornsby. - Hornsby. Hornsby.
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
A whole village of TainT fans.
I don't think these are TainT fans, Theo.
[together] Hornsby. Hornsby.
I think they're Dad Stans.
Hornsby. Hornsby.
So, I go up to the guy and go,
Yeah, I'll take one cup. For water."
He hands it to me and I fill it to the brim with Mr. Pibb.
You told us that story yesterday.
I'm a bad boy.
Guys?! I think I'm going into labor!
Oh, crap. I'll get Matt.
What? You think that square is bad enough
to bring life into the world?
Help me! [grunts]
[scoffs] Please.
Watch a real bad boy at work.
[panting, screams]
Aah! [liquid squishes]
"Oh, hey, Matt." "What? Oh, 'sup, Holly."
"Gosh, have you been working out?
Your muscles -- They're so big."
"Lil bit. Bad boys gotta keep fit so no one steps."
"That's hot. Can I kiss you on the mouth?"
Aah! Matt.
What these? This one's not you. I-It's not you.
Uh, what? No. Marci.
She's going into labor.
Oh. Well, congratulations to her.
[chuckles] No! Can you help her deliver?
Uhh... You said you were a bad boy, right?
What? N-No.
Holly, I-I gotta tell you something.
[sighs] I'm not qualified to deliver a baby.
What? I'm not a bad boy.
I just happened to fart in a Chucklebee's once
and my parents sent me out here to teach me a lesson.
[sighs] I'm a good kid.
Let Oscar handle this one.
Matt! You're the bad boy we need right now!
Son of a bitch.
[cheering]
Fuck it up! Let's go! Yes! Yes! Sports!
♪♪
Watch his face! Awesome!
♪♪
Yeah, first down! Yeah, dude!
♪♪
Utzi!
[shouting]
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
Wait a damn second! I get it now.
The Night of Passage? The tracking device?
This night was never about making us rock hard.
Was it, Dad? It was just an excuse
to dump us on your way to this F'd up cult
where you could act like a god and get rock hard.
But in the dick.
Showering everyone with thumbs up
and thumbs down to show your approval?!
Well, I got news for you!
Back at camp there were two little boys who loved you!
Not like a god but a dad!
♪♪
But -- But, uh, I'm rambling.
W-Who's fighting next, fellas?
♪ Havin' my baby ♪
[screaming] Help me!
♪ What a lovely way of sayin' what you're thinkin' of me ♪
Oh, my God! It's coming out!
Holy shit. [grunting]
♪ I can see it ♪
[vomits]
♪ Your face is glowin' ♪ [screaming]
♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪
♪ I'm happy you know it ♪
[baby crying]
♪ That you're havin' my baby ♪
♪ You're the woman I love and I love what it's doin' to ya ♪
♪ Havin' my baby ♪
♪ You're a woman in love... ♪
Here, Marci. And, hey.
If he ever farts in a crowded Chucklebee's,
go easy on him, huh?
Matt, that was incredible. [gasps]
You brought a life into this world
and exposed Oscar for the punk ass little bitch that he is.
[farting] I'm a good, good boy.
I'm a good little boy. I'm a good little boy.
Your parents were right about you.
You're a true bad boy for life.
♪♪
Hey. It was you. What?
The stick with the lime for a head?
Those were dolls that I made of us and I was making them kiss.
I think I manifested this.
Uhh... I should go check on Marci.
♪♪
Okay, Stebe. Remember -- Johnny Havok's the heel.
The Black Raven's the face, so you gotta bring the cheap heat.
Okay, yeah. Maybe a low blow and then we can fast-track the heat.
Yeah. Then we'll milk it, okay?
Once the heat's on me, just beat the fucking shit out of me.
I guess Johnny Havok's officially out of retirement.
Utzi. Utzi. Utzi. Utzi.
Shut up.
Shut your mouths.
Shut up.
Losers.
Shut your mouths. [grunts]
Shut up. Y'all are just jealous.
I know I look good.
Losers.
Oh, God. Not the Black Raven.
Why is he here?
[grunts]
Ha!
[cheering]
♪♪
Ow! Fuck!
♪♪
Stebe, stop! [chuckles]
I'm not in character! Shut up, you big baby.
And by the way? It's Johnny Havok.
No, no, no. No, no. Ow. Fuck!
Ah, dude! Stebe, I think you broke my neck.
Just pin me, dude!
Sorry, Theo. But the face always wins.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Ah! Ah!
[both grunting]
[cheering]
♪♪
Utzi Utzi!
[together] Hornsby. Hornsby.
Hornsby. Hornsby.
♪♪
[horn honks]
Rise and shine, big man.
Look at him. Hard as a rock. Aah!
Yep, looks like we all had a successful Night of Passage.
Hop in, Matt.
Be careful, backseat's got a bunch of exposed springs.
Stab your nuts.
♪♪
You guys go on without me.
I'm gonna get home on my own.
Okay.
♪♪
What the hell?!
Ugh. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Alright, get down.
We know what you've been up to,
you sick son of a bitch.
What are you talking about?
I haven't been up -- I haven't been up to anything!
We got a tip from a whistleblower,
told us all about you.
Boom -- Dead to rights.
What the? These look familiar, sicko?
No. No, no, no, no! Those aren't mine!
Shut up. Shut up.
You're going away for a long time, pal.
No. You know what they do to guys like you in prison?
I've seen it on TV.
[sobbing]
These are all lies! [sobbing]
♪ I see it showing ♪ It's not true!
♪ Whoa, the seed inside ya, baby ♪ I've been set up! They did this to me!
♪ Do you feel it growin'? ♪
♪ Are you happy you know it? ♪
♪ That you're havin' my baby ♪
♪ I'm a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to me ♪
♪ Havin' my baby ♪
♪ I'm a woman in love and I love what's goin' through me ♪
[chirp]