[dramatic music]
[all shouting and grunting]
- Aah! - [groans]
- O ares, great god of war,
We thank you for this glorious victory and--
Ares, you're here!
- Of course!
You fought bravely.
I wanted to come congratulate you.
Army: All hail ares!
- Yes, yes, I'll take your praise
And whatever sacrifices you want to make.
Just put them over there.
But first, form a circle and take turns spanking me.
- I'm sorry. What?
- Form a circle and take turns swatting my behind.
- Is this, like, a ceremony?
- You can call it whatever you want,
But it's definitely happening.
Don't look away.
Your disgust is part of this.
- Ok.
Uh, all hail--
- Just get to it!
If anyone asks, I didn't do this.
I did something normal.
- Ares! [dolphin chitters]
What the hell are you doing?
- What?
[gavel banging]
- Ares, son of zeus, god of war, civic order, and--
This I did not know--uncles,
We find you guilty of conduct
Unbecoming of an olympian.
- Oh, this is bullcrap!
Since when are we supposed to be ashamed of what we're into?
- Didn't sound like your worshippers were into it.
- That's what I'm into!
You all have your kinks.
You had sex with your brother.
You fell in love with a baby and locked him in a box.
You turned a woman into that flute you blow.
[flute music playing]
- The fact remains, your thing is weird.
- Says the squid diddler.
- Darlene is an octopus!
[gavel banging] - enough.
You are to be stripped of your titles,
Removed from mount olympus,
And downgraded to a minor god.
Get him out of here.
- Oh, we're stripping titles?
I'll take battle lust.
- I'll take courage if no one wants it.
- Oh, I love that for you.
Could I take war?
- I'm war too!
Both: War buddies!
- Ugh, I hate that I'm enjoying this.
[dramatic lyre music]
♪ ♪
- Did you guys hear that-- all: We heard.
- It's on every vase in town.
They finally got the old bastard for spanking.
- You knew? - It was an open secret.
- Every soldier I know has a story about ares.
Where do you think we got the expression
"swat the butt of victory"?
- That's where that came from.
I thought it was just one of your gibberish war cries,
Like the other one, "let's bum slap the old man"--
Oh, yeah, I'm hearing it.
I'm putting it together now.
- So, mom, there's an opening on olympus.
You gonna try to get back in?
- Why? Because they kicked me out?
I don't care that they kicked me out.
Maybe I kicked them out.
Did you ever bother to ask me who kicked out whom?
Shlub, subject change.
- All right, I'm starving.
Where is our food?
And as a follow-up question,
Did our food kill our staff again?
And as another follow-up, may I eat them?
- No, the staff isn't dead.
People are just leaving the city.
Yesterday three families went back to the wilderness.
- Back to the wilderness?
Why would anyone do that?
- They said it's because of the poop.
There's poop piling up everywhere.
- Makes sense to me.
There's no better way to mark your territory.
- Yeah, by the way, I noticed your territory
Has expanded to the hallway outside my lab.
- And if you want it back, you know how to get it.
- I don't understand why people aren't
Just taking care of their poo.
- Do you take care of your poo?
- Yes, I poo in a little box, and kyle deals with it
So I don't have to touch it.
Thank you, kyle.
- I could make people stop pooing.
- Mom, no.
Remember, it makes them explode?
- Don't ask for pitches and then poke holes in them.
Hole pokers receive no pitches.
- Tell that to ares.
[ground rumbling, water rushing]
- [groans] supercool--
[retching]
Supercool entrance.
- Oh, dear god.
- Oh, that's so nice.
I didn't know if you'd remember me.
[chuckles]
You don't remember me.
I'm salt, your cousin.
We talked a couple of thousand years ago
At orpheus and eurydice's wedding.
I was the one who-- - smelled of seaweed.
I'm afraid I do remember you after all.
- Salt?
- He's the god who makes seawater pukey.
- Mm-hmm, I serve a crucial role in the ocean biome.
- You give sailors diarrhea.
- That's my main power, yeah.
Anyway, I'm just on the way up to olympus.
They're having a contest to find the next olympian.
Maybe you could help me win it,
Give me some pointers and advice.
- Mm, my advice is, don't embarrass yourself.
It's a cool kids club.
Do you understand what that means?
Of course you don't. I rescind the question.
- I know what it means,
But shouldn't olympus be better than that,
More inclusive?
I have a lot to offer.
- No one agrees.
- Well, we'll just see.
And supercool exit!
Whoa! - [laughs]
That guy wants to take ares' place?
- Who even prays to him, algae?
- And krill.
Lovely creatures, jewels of the ocean.
- Not so lovely if you're a krill woman.
Their whole society is built on sexism.
- Why do you have to bring gender into it?
You kids ruin everything.
- You were stoked when ares got canceled.
- It's called virtue signaling.
- Welcome, gods, both major and minor.
- [coughing] minors suck.
- Yeah, ok, ok, let's try to keep it godly.
- I don't really have a cough.
- Today we begin the process of selecting
The next olympian.
And I want you all to know that this
Is an entirely real contest.
We are definitely not staging this whole thing just to...
[laughs] laugh at minor gods.
[clears throat] so let's meet our contestants.
- I am meticulus, god of getting
Little things lined up in the correct order or groupings.
Groupings and order? Hmm.
Order or groupings. [laughter]
- Oh, my. - Ok, next.
- I am nocturnus, god of nocturnal emissions.
[laughter] - mm.
And how does one become god of that?
- Honestly, it just happens.
[laughter]
- I'm jinx.
I'm the god of that thing where two people
Say the same thing at the same time.
[laughter] I'm pretty fun.
Humans love me.
- Goddess of cups and containers.
- Goddess of oranges but just the rind.
- God of that thing where you feel like you have a sneeze
But you never get there.
And I'm also the god of when orgasms do that too.
[laughter]
- Now, you, what's your minor deal?
- Uh, hi.
Uh, I'm salt, god of salt.
And I'm here because I believe
Olympians can be better.
Yeah, we can set the standard for all the gods
As beacons of light, wisdom, and harmony.
[laughter]
- Deliria, I'm glad to see you made it
To this god replacement competition
Since you couldn't make it to your own.
You're not here to try to get back in, are you?
- No, I would never want back in
Because I have self-respect and a brain.
- I love how you're making yourself the hero of it.
Anyway, it doesn't matter because we already know
Who we're going to choose.
- Hi, y'all.
I'm makenzus.
I'm goddess of hats and accessories,
And I love jewelry and going on boats
And horseback riding with athena,
Who's, like, my best friend.
[giggles] hi, thenie!
[foreboding music]
- Hippo, where are you on the-- - shh, shh! Not now.
It's almost done.
I call it mass media.
This could revolutionize journalism.
- You should be revolutionizing poo!
- Oh, so the guy who has his own personal poo handler
Is ordering me to be everyone else's personal poo handler.
- I'm the king.
If that doesn't get me out of handling poo,
Then why did I even buy this crown and call myself king?
- Well, I'm a supergenius.
This problem is beneath me.
- It's beneath everyone.
And I need it to stop being that.
Both: You're so annoying! Jinx!
- Hey, yo.
- Oh, jinx, you got us. - [laughs]
Why do I love when that happens?
- Thanks. Yeah, it's just fun, right?
- It really is, even in the middle of an argument.
It just reminds you not to take everything so seriously.
- Thanks. Yeah, that's what I was going for.
Both: Well, you nailed it.
[laughter]
- It's just always good.
Anyway, can you please deal with the poo?
- Yeah, I'll take a look at it.
- Ok, so you rolled a pegasus, so your guy's dead.
- Salt, I'm getting you in. - You're gonna help me?
Was it because of my speech about making things better?
- Did you give a speech?
No, it's because those people
Shouldn't get everything they want.
- That's right.
Why shouldn't one of the good guys get in?
- Wrong takeaway, but we're on the same side here.
I can't wait to see athena's face
When one of you losers moves in next door.
- To change things.
- Aw.
Now, stand up straight and tall,
Shoulders back, chin out, and ditch your friends.
- Huh? - I'm taking salt.
You'll never see him again. Minors suck.
- And hair and toga and armor.
There, you're looking more olympian already.
Now let me see you walk.
The walk is important.
Chin up.
- Oop, I'm sorry.
- You're what?
- [clears throat] I'm not sorry.
- Grow a pair!
- And watch where you're going, mortal!
- Now, who are you?
- I'm salt-- - saltus.
- I am saltus, god of ocean battles.
- Yes.
- Born from the briny depths of the darkest sea.
Sailors fear me,
For I give life or I bring death.
- Forgive me, o great salt.
- Now turn him into something.
- Huh? - Zap him, like this.
- Flavius? Flavius?
- I'm down here.
This is our reality now.
- Well, that seems so mean and pointless.
- No argument here.
- The gods you're trying to impress
Are mean and pointless.
They'll never respect you if you're nice.
- But I am nice.
I want to be the nice guy on olympus.
- I would love that.
- Once I get you in there,
You can be as nice as you want.
Now ruin this man's life.
- So this is like a training thing or--
- Keep going.
Get freaky with it.
- Because we could do it as role-play
If that makes it easier.
It's easier for me.
- Well, now it's just a giraffe.
Put some snake back in.
Perfect.
- Is it, though?
- Flavius, I can't do this.
I can't make it work with you looking like that.
[sobs]
- Ok, she left me.
She only liked me for my body,
Which, you know, is good to know.
- Got to say, I surprised myself.
I ended up loving this assignment.
- Really? - It's cutting-edge science.
Let me take you on a little journey.
These are my early attempts, all variations on a theme.
The idea was to attack the problem inside the body.
This is a standard suction device.
This one goes in through the throat.
This one was interesting.
I asked myself, what if you could turn poop into gold?
The answer was no.
- I pooped gold once...
'cause I ate gold.
- Then I started working on moving the pooper
Instead of the poop.
You'll see right away what the problem is.
Now! Now!
Now, now, now!
Now!
- Sorry, boss.
I couldn't get there in time.
- You did your best, soldier.
- Then I started focusing on holes.
Poop and holes have a long-standing relationship.
I was getting closer, but testers keep falling in.
All sorts of problems with this one.
This one, we had to modify to--
Ok, well, that's user error.
But then it finally hit me.
This is the poo chair.
It's just like your personal poo chair,
But this one has a tube that goes right out to the ocean.
- That's genius.
The water becomes everyone's kyle.
- You want to take it for a spin?
- Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible.
I'm a shy pooer.
- Do you poop in front of kyle?
- Yes, but only because I've dehumanized him in my mind.
But if there's one thing I can do, I can sell.
You get this thing ready, and I will push the crap out
Of pushing the crap into it.
- Do I have to go to this party?
- The party is the most important part.
They have to like you but not be jealous of you
But be slightly jealous of you
But just enough that they want to keep you close.
- I don't know how to do that.
- Well, just remember the catchphrases I taught you.
Shallow people really latch on to catchphrases.
They're conversational training wheels.
- Yeah, I got them.
"this guy gets it," "man after my own heart,"
And "marry me already."
- Oh, look at my perfect little douchebag.
Do you really think you could make olympus better?
- I do. - I think you just might.
Now, get in there and wow them but not too much.
- Well, well, well, look who decided to show.
- This guy gets it.
- What?
- Man after my own heart.
- [laughs] - he's clever.
- Without being threatening.
Let me get you a drink.
- Marry me already.
- Oh, yeah.
This guy gets it!
- [grunting]
You see that? You see that?
[laughs]
This guy gets it.
Aphrodite, I'm salt, god of sea battles,
Sailors, sustenance, and making women happy.
- Well, I'm the goddess of love,
Sometimes marriage.
- Well, then marry me already.
[chuckles] - [laughing] oh.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- We like this one.
Can we keep this one?
- Where's salt? - Where's salt?
- I think I saw him with athena.
- [moans, sighs]
[giggles]
- And then you pull this chain,
Releasing water that washes the poo away,
Never to be seen again.
Any questions?
- Yeah, I have a question.
What about snakes?
- What do you mean, what about snakes?
- Well, how are you gonna keep snakes
From crawling up through that thing
And biting me in the butt?
- Why would a snake even want to do that?
- Why would you build a tunnel
Right from the river to my butt?
- Do you think snakes go around looking for butts to bite?
- They're not looking for butts.
They're just looking to get out of the box.
And if there's a butt in the way, it's getting bit.
[people clamoring]
- How is it a given that the snake is even in the box?
- Because you led them right to it!
- It sounds to me like you guys are coming up with excuses
To avoid progress.
- Why don't you use it?
- I'm not doing that. It wouldn't be kingly.
I have to respect the office.
- Come on! Poop!
Crowd: Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!
- No, absolutely not.
If you saw me do that, you would never respect me again.
- If we saw you do it, at least it would clear up
The snake controversy.
- You guys created the snake controversy.
- You created what can only be described as a snake highway.
- What's a highway?
- For snakes?
This!
- [laughs] no, come on, she's great.
All right, I'll see you at the contest.
[both smooching]
Mwah! This gal can get it.
- Oh, my god, you played with the expression.
[laughs]
- Did you sleep with her?
- Salt saw an opening,
And salt went for it.
- This is us. You can drop the act.
- Don't do your deliria thing.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, they told me all about you,
How you get all worked up over dumb stuff
And then make them the bad guys?
You know athena has a nickname for you?
She calls you hysteria.
- Never call me hysteria.
We were trying to change olympus.
- Mm, were we?
Or were you trying to piss off athena, hysteria?
- [roars]
- Not now.
[krill chittering]
I agree, but I don't see
Why you have to bring gender into it.
[krill chittering]
Well, at least I have virtue to signal.
[dramatic music]
- Uh, supercool entrance?
- I don't want your apology.
You know, I was actually starting to believe in you.
- No, you weren't.
- No, I really was.
At first, I just wanted to hurt athena,
But then along came this wide-eyed boy
Who wanted to do some good.
What can I say?
You grew on me.
- I'm sorry I called you hysteria.
I guess I just got caught up in all the glitz and glamor
Of being with the olympians.
- Well, I can't blame you for that.
I got caught up in it, too, when they liked me.
- You did?
- I felt important,
Better than the rabble.
Were we cruel and vapid?
Yes, but we were the cool kids.
And when they kicked me out, I cried like a baby.
- You?
- And instead of admitting that they hurt me,
I just vowed to hurt them worse.
But if I'm being honest, maybe on some level,
I always did want to change the world.
- Well, maybe we can still do both.
Friends?
- Not looking like that, we aren't.
- What? That's it?
You're just gonna pop my collar?
- You can do the rest yourself.
I don't like touching you.
- Hmm, what a shame.
There should be tons of human waste
Pouring out of this pipe.
- They're just not ready to modernize.
- But they never are.
We always have to drag these people
Kicking and screaming into the future.
Should we be standing here?
- Oh, I thought I could, like, tempt fate.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, like when I finally change my water
And then, bam, that's when it rains.
- Exactly.
[sighs]
- Ty, sometimes being a king means being a leader,
And sometimes being a leader means overcoming your fears.
And sometimes overcoming your fears--
- I see where you're going.
- It was a pretty good build, though.
- It had a great rhythm, no question about it.
I have to poo in front of them, don't I?
- Your city needs you.
Poop for them.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Hippo, a word.
- What's up, little brother?
- You need to listen to me very carefully
Because I need to say it very quietly.
There is currently a snake biting my ass.
- Are you serious? Get up!
- No, no, if I do that,
We'll lose everything we've worked for.
- I can't believe this happened.
What are the odds?
- It may be the least likely event in poo history.
Or maybe someone put one in there
Just to sabotage progress.
Whatever the case, we can't let chaos win.
- Dude, I've never said or meant this before,
But I truly admire you right now.
I can't believe how stoic you're being.
- I thank you for that,
But I think most of what you're seeing
Is symptomatic of paralyzing venom.
- Ok, ok, don't panic.
Um, show's over, citizens.
Everyone go home and commemorate this moment.
I'll be back with pliers and a mongoose.
- Thank you.
♪ ♪
[horse neighs]
[horses neighing]
[applause]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Meticulus, nocturnus, jinx,
You three are out.
- I didn't even want to come.
What a mess.
- Screw you, majors!
From now on, jinxes are bad.
This is how that happened.
- Yeah, all right, we're down to our final two contestants,
Makenzus and salt.
We know how strong you are, how aloof you are,
And how bang-able you are,
But what we don't yet know is who you're willing
To step on in order to get here.
Makenzus, for your final challenge,
You have to be cruel to athena.
- What? - Insult her. Backstab her.
Say something you can never take back.
- Go ahead.
We'll only have to do this once,
And then we can be besties on olympus.
- Um, well, I, um--
I just want to say that sometimes--
Sometimes your shoes aren't always the best choice
For your outfit. [gasps]
- You bitch! - Athena, I'm so sorry!
- Don't talk to me, whore!
- [crying]
Was that--yeah?
- [laughs] oh, yeah.
Now, salt, you have to mercilessly cut down deliria.
Crowd: Ooh!
- Oh, come on, salt. You're in the lead.
All you have to do is eviscerate
Your new best friend.
- Yeah! - Come on!
- Destroy her!
- Do it! - Get her out!
- No!
This woman is better than everybody here.
You want to know why?
Because she cares, because she feels.
Sure, you see the cold exterior,
But deep inside, she's got more heart
Than you'll ever have.
Just last night, she told me she cried
When you kicked her out.
She feels emotional pain.
And she's not too scared to admit it.
[scoffs] destroy her?
I can't, because she's too good of a god.
No, too good of a person.
- Oh, my god.
Dude, you destroyed her!
- That is the cruelest thing he could have said!
This is deicide!
- She is such a loser!
Crowd: Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt!
Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt!
- Ok, so how does this game work?
- Your character is a wizard.
Right now, he's trapped by this dragon.
- So I kill the dragon?
- Well, let's find out if you do.
- What do you mean? Of course I do.
- No, you see, the dungeon master
Is like a god in this game.
- Thin ice, gentlemen!
[dice rattling]
- Hmm, you swing at the dragon and miss.
Ow, ow, ow!
Ok, you kill the dragon.
- Ooh, this game is fun.
[water rushing]
- Got room for one more?
- Shouldn't you be on olympus?
- Yeah, they kicked me out.
- Ooh, that was fast. What were the charges?
- Well, apparently, I'm really bad at sex.
It's all sex up there.
- But I thought you slept with athena at the party.
- Yeah, but I guess she has a rule.
Like, you get one warm-up. Then you got to deliver.
- Huh, that's fair.
- Also, I didn't compliment her enough.
You know, she's really insecure.
- Is she? - Yeah, I was surprised.
It was actually kind of a little bit sad.
- Was it? Tell me everything.
- About the sex?
- God, no, about the insecurity.
Unless the sex was sad. - It wasn't.
- Then no. About the insecurity.
- Did you get any of that?
- Bento.