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ABE LINCOLN: And now,
a very special episode
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00:00:03,176 --> 00:00:06,913
of the long-awaited
and mildly anticipated,
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00:00:06,913 --> 00:00:08,485
Clone High.
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♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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(KEYPAD BEEPING)
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AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
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- (LASERS ZAP)
- (DOLPHINS CHITTER)
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AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
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(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)
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His name
is Cinnamon J. Scudworth.
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Twenty years ago he created
clones of historical figures
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and sent them to a high school
called "Clone High,"
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where he was principal.
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And then suddenly the program
was put on ice.
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Quite literally, when he froze
the clones on Winter Prom night.
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Our mission
is to unfreeze those clones,
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send them back to high school,
and secretly groom them
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to one day rule the world.
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Failure to do so
could mean world leaders
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just keep getting worse.
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- I won't let you down.
- It won't be easy.
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When these clones were frozen,
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a tremendous amount of drama
was frozen with them.
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So, Abe was just about
to profess his love
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for either Cleopatra,
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who was the hottest girl
in school and totally into him,
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or Joan of Arc,
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who had secretly
been in love with him for years
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but had just hooked up with JFK.
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Abe walks in on them and says,
"I love..."
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And then he gets frozen.
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It's like, did someone order
a 20-year cliffhanger?
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- Uh. Right here.
- BOARD MEMBER 1: Joan or Cleo?
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- Cleo or Joan?
- (BOARD MEMBERS LAUGHING)
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- BOARD MEMBER 2: Team Cleo.
- BOARD MEMBER 3:
Oh, Team Joan over here.
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(CLEARS THROAT) And so begins,
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"Clone High Colon
Operation Spread Eagle."
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(EAGLE SCREECHING)
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(LIGHT SWITCHES CLICKING)
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♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONCLUDES) ♪
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Joan!
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- (BOARD MEMBERS CHEERING)
- BOARD MEMBER 2: He said Joan?
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BOARD MEMBER 4:
(CHUCKLES) No way! Wow!
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♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
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♪ Secret government employees ♪
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♪ Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪
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♪ Made amusing genetic copies ♪
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♪ Then the clones' genes
Were frozen ♪
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♪ Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
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♪ Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
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{\an8}♪ Giving high school
Another try ♪
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{\an8}♪ It's time to watch
Clone High ♪
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♪ Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
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♪ Our angst is entertaining ♪
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♪ Clone High ♪
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♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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(BIRDS CHIRPING)
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♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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There she is, Gandhi.
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Joan of Arc,
the love of my life.
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And for years,
I took her for granted.
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That stops now.
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It's time for me to tell her
how I feel, Gandhi.
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I mean, it's 2003.
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Guys shouldn't be afraid
to talk about feelings.
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(CHUCKLES) Gandhi,
you've been pretty quiet.
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What's your take?
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Huh? I thought I was talking
to my comedic sidekick Gandhi.
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Let me know if you see him,
Turkey Fire Hydrant.
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Hey, Joan, how's it going?
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Something feels off.
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There's a bunch of students
I've never seen before,
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and some of them are on these
insane-looking scooter things.
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Oh, my God,
what's wrong with your eyes?
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Joan, I can't hold back
my feelings anymore.
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And I'm just grabbing
the bull by the horns,
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and I'm gonna come right out
and say it.
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Here goes. (INHALES DEEPLY)
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- Joan of Arc.
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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Good morning, would you like
to walk to school together?
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(GASPS) I just said
"morning wood." (LAUGHS)
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'Cause I woke up this morning,
super aroused,
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because we boned at prom,
which was last night.
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Joan of Arc, will you
officially be my girlfriend?
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- (GROANS)
- But you're popular,
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and I'm definitely not.
So, really?
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I mean, um,
can I think about it?
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Whoa! Uh, I've never been
turned down before,
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but, uh, that's okay.
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It'll make it
all the more delicious
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- when you do say yes.
- (DRONE WHIRRING)
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Ah! Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
A little spaceship.
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I'm gonna go chase it. Ah!
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See you later,
soon-to-be girlfriend.
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So, you guys, huh? So cool.
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Ugh! I don't know, Abe.
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I just wanna
make sure I'm not...
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- (LAUGHS)
- ...jumping into a relationship
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solely because
he's the first guy
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- I had steamy, hot...
- (WHIMPERS)
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...incredible,
mind-bending sex with.
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Uh. I think
that's enough adjectives.
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Thanks. (GRUNTS)
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Come back here, spaceship.
Oh, this is fun.
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♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
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- (LIQUID BUBBLING)
- (STEAM HISSING)
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Mr. B, after a long night
of unfreezing clones,
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it's finally time
to enjoy a scalding,
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skin-searingly hot sip
of coffee.
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- Scudworth!
- (SCREAMS) Oh, God, it burns!
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Oh, I need something
to cool off my face.
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Oh, why did I do that?
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- It's still so hot!
- Yes, why would anyone
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- do anything a second time...
- (SCREAMS)
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...after they got
burned so badly
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- the first time?
- Oh, my face! Still so hot!
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- ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- My name is Candide Sampson.
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I'm here to watch over you
as we execute
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- "Operation Spread Eagle."
- (EAGLE SCREECHING)
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What? I don't need a boss,
especially not some woman.
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I mean, not that I'm against
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- women in the workplace--
- CANDIDE SAMPSON: Enough!
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I will be installing
a glass ceiling,
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so that I may oversee
your every move.
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Women and their glass ceilings
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that they're always
prancing around
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- on top of--
- (BUILDING THUDS)
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(SCREAMS)
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(GASPS)
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I noticed other unauthorized
clones roaming the halls,
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including many
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who are not anywhere
on the original class list.
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That's because this whole time
I've been secretly keeping
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Clone High going
with a whole new set
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of different
cloned historical figures
without permission.
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- (GLASS SHATTERING)
- What?
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Hmm. Maybe having
additional clones
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isn't a terrible idea.
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So, how did the clones
who have been frozen
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for 20 years take it
when you told them?
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Oh, yes!
I knew there was something
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- I forgot to do. (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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Okay, everyone.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
A few quick announcements.
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Today is pizza boats, Latin club
will meet in the library,
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and for anyone who thinks
it's 2003, you're wrong.
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You've actually been frozen
for 20 years.
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The students you don't recognize
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were cloned a few years
after you were frozen.
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So, you're all
roughly the same age.
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- (STUDENTS CLAMORING)
- What?
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We missed the last 20 years?
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Oh, my God,
does that mean I'm 36?
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'Cause I look amazing for 36.
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- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- To catch you up on what's been
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going on in culture
for the past two decades,
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I prepared a very fun,
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- Clockwork Orange-style
re-education.
- (YELPS)
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♪ One, two, three, four ♪
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♪ Poke bowls, Fyre Fest
Kim Kardashian was a West ♪
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♪ Gaga wore a meat dress
Most meat is now meatless ♪
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♪ Janet Jackson's nipple slip
Rap rock is no longer hip ♪
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♪ Marvel movies, Taylor Swift
Bill Cosby, Google it! ♪
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♪ Viral trends, K-pop bands
Lost finale, upset friends ♪
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♪ Snap, Meta, Insta posts
Pics of avocado toast! ♪
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♪ Podcasts made through NFTs
Only reboots on TV! ♪
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♪ Keto diet, Beyoncé
Billionaires went to space ♪
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♪ Everyone is filled with hate ♪
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♪ Now you're all
Caught up to date ♪
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- (PANTS)
- (BUZZER BLARING)
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- I, uh, have no more questions.
- (STUDENTS GROANING)
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- Uh. Yeah, I have a question.
- Great question.
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Here to not answer it
is the most popular clone
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and the hottest girl
in the school.
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- Finally!
- Cleopatra.
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Please move out of the way
so everyone can see Frida Kahlo,
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- your class president.
- Who?
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- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (STUDENTS CHEERING)
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Wait a minute. She's popular?
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Welcome, froze clones.
We know it must be crazy
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waking up after 20 years.
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Hell, I can't function
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when my smartwatch switches
to daylight savings.
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(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
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No one understands
what you're saying.
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Anyway, the rest of us
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are gonna help shake off
those cobwebs by hosting y'all
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at our first ever
Clone High Unity Week.
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- (STUDENTS CHEERING)
- (AIR HORN BLARING)
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And to give us
all the meets and deets,
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my sis from another petri dish,
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00:08:41,144 --> 00:08:46,717
- Harriet Tubman.
- (STUDENTS CHEERING)
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Thank you. Thank you,
and welcome to the future.
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There will be tons
of unity events this week.
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So, you'd better sign up,
I'm very serious.
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I will know
if you didn't sign up.
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I'll find you. I swear, I will.
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We're passing around
the sign-up sheet right now.
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00:09:00,564 --> 00:09:02,098
- Peace.
- (MIC FEEDBACK)
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00:09:02,098 --> 00:09:04,067
High school sucked
the first time,
202
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:06,169
- and it's gonna suck again.
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
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00:09:06,169 --> 00:09:07,771
I'll be even more
of a social pariah,
204
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since I've been frozen
for 20 years.
205
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(CHUCKLES) I don't know,
206
00:09:11,441 --> 00:09:13,844
maybe it'll be kind of fun
living in the future.
207
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:17,446
Oh, they have pens
on strings now. What a world!
208
00:09:17,446 --> 00:09:21,620
- ♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (TAPPING ON GLASS)
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00:09:26,326 --> 00:09:31,061
(GRUNTS)
210
00:09:31,061 --> 00:09:33,830
(SCREAMS)
I can't take it, Mr. B.
211
00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:34,898
The glass ceiling,
212
00:09:34,898 --> 00:09:37,535
the incessant tippy,
tip, tip, tip, tip, tapping
213
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,669
of all of the reptile nails.
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00:09:39,669 --> 00:09:41,171
CANDIDE: Scudworth,
I need your key
215
00:09:41,171 --> 00:09:42,840
to the principal's
private washroom.
216
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,641
All right,
let me see where I put it.
217
00:09:44,641 --> 00:09:46,243
I'm not giving it to her.
218
00:09:46,243 --> 00:09:47,811
She can't boss me
around like that.
219
00:09:47,811 --> 00:09:50,647
Oh, that's not it.
No, she can't. I won't.
220
00:09:50,647 --> 00:09:52,649
Uh. It should be here somewhere.
221
00:09:52,649 --> 00:09:54,352
I won't share it, Mr. B,
this is my space.
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00:09:54,352 --> 00:09:55,785
Everything is just so.
223
00:09:55,785 --> 00:09:59,123
Even the pubes
on the toilet seat?
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00:09:59,123 --> 00:10:00,356
(FLIES BUZZING)
225
00:10:00,356 --> 00:10:02,526
I told you they were
mustache trimmings!
226
00:10:02,526 --> 00:10:05,098
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
227
00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:08,765
Happy Unity Week, y'all.
Pew! Pew!
228
00:10:08,765 --> 00:10:10,701
It's your boy,
C-- C-- Confucius.
229
00:10:10,701 --> 00:10:12,035
Our first Unity Week activity
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00:10:12,035 --> 00:10:14,170
is a "walk a mile
in someone else's shoes."
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00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,872
Tell 'em how it works, Sacagawea.
232
00:10:15,872 --> 00:10:19,309
We are going super literal
on this one, y'all.
233
00:10:19,309 --> 00:10:22,011
Swap shoes with someone
you don't know,
234
00:10:22,011 --> 00:10:23,479
then walk a mile together.
235
00:10:23,479 --> 00:10:26,119
Make a best friend and get
those steps in. (CHUCKLES)
236
00:10:27,287 --> 00:10:29,622
(GRUNTS)
237
00:10:30,623 --> 00:10:32,856
- ATTILA: (GRUNTS) Little damp.
- (GAGS)
238
00:10:32,856 --> 00:10:35,326
Look at us,
first ones out of the gate.
239
00:10:35,326 --> 00:10:36,593
Is this a competition?
240
00:10:36,593 --> 00:10:38,629
HARRIET TUBMAN:
Is anything not? (LAUGHS)
241
00:10:38,629 --> 00:10:41,131
- What's your name?
- It's Topher Bus.
242
00:10:41,131 --> 00:10:42,433
But you know, 20 years ago,
243
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:45,035
a bus was a mode
of transportation.
244
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:48,805
- Uh. Yeah, we still have buses.
- Copy that.
245
00:10:48,805 --> 00:10:51,309
Man, I must sound
like a total spaz right now.
246
00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:52,776
- (GIRLS GASP)
- (GROANS)
247
00:10:52,776 --> 00:10:54,578
- You need to be more careful
with your words.
- (GRUNTS)
248
00:10:54,578 --> 00:10:55,846
- You don't wanna get canceled.
- (GRUNTS)
249
00:10:55,846 --> 00:10:58,282
You're saying I need
to be more politically correct.
250
00:10:58,282 --> 00:10:59,382
We don't say
251
00:10:59,382 --> 00:11:01,251
- "politically correct" anymore.
- Oh, nice.
252
00:11:01,251 --> 00:11:03,254
- That stuff was so retard--
- Retired!
253
00:11:03,254 --> 00:11:04,954
Yes. The phrase was retired.
254
00:11:04,954 --> 00:11:07,423
- No, I was gonna say, retard--
- Shut up!
255
00:11:07,423 --> 00:11:10,561
Wait, you make
multimedia performance art too?
256
00:11:10,561 --> 00:11:12,062
Of course, I do it all.
257
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,665
Writing, directing,
overthinking, second guessing,
258
00:11:14,665 --> 00:11:17,067
self-loathing,
unraveling, and regrouping.
259
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:17,901
- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
260
00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:19,970
(GROANS) I think
I have a blister.
261
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,940
Do these even qualify as shoes?
They're so flimsy.
262
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:25,341
It's like they were made
by blind people.
263
00:11:25,341 --> 00:11:28,445
Because they were.
(GROANS) Come here.
264
00:11:28,445 --> 00:11:30,213
Do you know
what my real name is?
265
00:11:30,213 --> 00:11:32,482
(WHISPERS) Christopher Columbus.
266
00:11:32,482 --> 00:11:34,452
- Cool.
- Not cool.
267
00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:36,186
While you were frozen,
he got canceled
268
00:11:36,186 --> 00:11:37,481
for being a dirtbag.
269
00:11:37,481 --> 00:11:39,790
I'm trying to distance myself
from my clone father.
270
00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:41,591
That's why I go by Topher Bus.
271
00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:44,555
- (LAUGHS)
- You know who's gonna
get canceled? JFK.
272
00:11:44,555 --> 00:11:46,597
You should have heard him
talking to Joan this morning.
273
00:11:46,597 --> 00:11:47,765
That guy's always saying
274
00:11:47,765 --> 00:11:49,700
inappropriate
and offensive things.
275
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:54,003
I like boobies and butts,
any shape or size.
276
00:11:54,003 --> 00:11:59,209
- Wow. So sex-positive.
- Yes, I am positive I like sex.
277
00:11:59,209 --> 00:12:00,271
CONFUCIUS: Refreshing honesty.
278
00:12:00,271 --> 00:12:01,781
- SACAGAWEA: So uninhibited.
- (GRUNTS)
279
00:12:02,582 --> 00:12:03,981
We know this must
be overwhelming,
280
00:12:03,981 --> 00:12:06,517
so we wanted to invite
the coolest of you frozens
281
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,418
to join
our Inclusivity Committee.
282
00:12:08,418 --> 00:12:10,954
It's the most exclusive part
of Unity Week.
283
00:12:10,954 --> 00:12:13,957
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- So, what do you say, Cleo?
284
00:12:13,957 --> 00:12:15,725
- Finally.
- Could you step aside
285
00:12:15,725 --> 00:12:17,361
so we can give this
to Joan of Arc?
286
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:18,597
- (GASPS)
- (GASPS)
287
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:21,398
- Here.
- Wow.
288
00:12:21,398 --> 00:12:23,533
With the photo
I don't remember posing for
289
00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:24,934
and everything.
290
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:29,500
Wait, so you're the hottest girl
in school and Joan is cool?
291
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,245
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
Somebody wake me up.
292
00:12:41,254 --> 00:12:45,058
(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)
293
00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:46,824
She's great.
294
00:12:46,824 --> 00:12:49,860
And here's a badge
for our final committee member.
295
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:51,328
(CHUCKLES) I hope you've found
296
00:12:51,328 --> 00:12:54,033
- a decent photo of me too.
- No. JFK.
297
00:12:55,335 --> 00:12:58,362
Hot, uh, uh, dog! Yeah!
298
00:12:58,362 --> 00:13:00,571
♪ Me and Joanie
Sitting in a tree ♪
299
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,274
♪ Banging in
The Inclusivity Committee ♪
300
00:13:03,274 --> 00:13:04,808
CLEOPATRA: Wanna borrow this?
301
00:13:04,808 --> 00:13:06,843
Now, we just gotta find
somebody to plan
302
00:13:06,843 --> 00:13:08,648
the Unity Luncheon on Friday.
303
00:13:09,815 --> 00:13:15,018
Wait, um, what if we let
Abe plan the Unity Luncheon?
304
00:13:15,018 --> 00:13:17,687
Joan, Topher just posted,
in a super mansplaining way,
305
00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:19,657
that Abe was mansplaining.
306
00:13:19,657 --> 00:13:23,226
Oh, sorry. I don't know
what "mansplaining" means.
307
00:13:23,226 --> 00:13:25,061
I'll clarify it for you, Joanie.
308
00:13:25,061 --> 00:13:28,165
- See, when a man--
- Okay, I get it now.
309
00:13:28,165 --> 00:13:33,770
Look, Abe is my best friend
and he loves lunch.
310
00:13:33,770 --> 00:13:36,806
I do. I eat it every day.
Ask anybody.
311
00:13:36,806 --> 00:13:38,608
(SIGHS) All right then,
Abe Lincoln,
312
00:13:38,608 --> 00:13:43,280
- the luncheon is yours.
- Yes. I won't let you down.
313
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,350
(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)
314
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:49,553
(SCREAMS)
315
00:13:49,553 --> 00:13:53,022
(WHISTLES) Ah!
316
00:13:53,022 --> 00:13:57,130
Time for a little debriefing.
And a little "de-briefing."
317
00:13:58,264 --> 00:13:58,995
What's this?
318
00:13:58,995 --> 00:14:02,326
Elegant towels,
a soap dispenser.
319
00:14:02,326 --> 00:14:04,702
Lemon-scented
feminine hygienics.
320
00:14:04,702 --> 00:14:07,505
Where are the pubes--
I mean mustache trimmings!
321
00:14:07,505 --> 00:14:09,039
The nerve of this woman!
322
00:14:09,039 --> 00:14:13,780
Bring me my sombrero
of invisibilidad.
323
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,080
Try to supervise me now, Candide.
324
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,143
She doesn't even know
I'm under here,
325
00:14:19,143 --> 00:14:20,384
that's how stupid she is.
326
00:14:20,384 --> 00:14:21,785
Whoops,
I'm a little turned around.
327
00:14:21,785 --> 00:14:23,253
Okay, here we go.
328
00:14:23,253 --> 00:14:24,154
This way I can open
329
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:25,789
- my secret safe...
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
330
00:14:25,789 --> 00:14:29,893
...completely undetected.
(SCATTING)
331
00:14:29,893 --> 00:14:32,496
Now that I've shown you
my scatting ability,
332
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:35,566
- I shall open the safe.
- (SAFE BEEPS)
333
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:37,367
She thinks she can get
inside my head.
334
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:41,908
Well, I will get inside
her head by blowing it up.
335
00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:44,408
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
336
00:14:44,408 --> 00:14:46,543
Ugh! Where do I sit?
337
00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:49,213
Yo! Cool boots. Over here.
338
00:14:49,213 --> 00:14:50,814
♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
339
00:14:50,814 --> 00:14:54,118
Wow. It's like
a VIP section in here.
340
00:14:54,118 --> 00:14:54,918
Yeah, it's inspired
341
00:14:54,918 --> 00:14:56,953
by business class
airport lounges.
342
00:14:56,953 --> 00:15:00,324
It's a big step up from eating
by myself in the bathroom.
343
00:15:00,324 --> 00:15:01,992
I saved you a seat,
344
00:15:01,992 --> 00:15:06,363
and feel free to put your books
on my buttshelf.
345
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,465
Aw! Thanks, JFK.
346
00:15:08,465 --> 00:15:10,634
Looks like
we're both popular now.
347
00:15:10,634 --> 00:15:13,737
- You two are so cute together.
- Right?
348
00:15:13,737 --> 00:15:18,576
- Joan? Joan? Joan of Arc?
- It's cool. He's with me.
349
00:15:18,576 --> 00:15:20,144
♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
350
00:15:20,144 --> 00:15:21,912
Oh, my God, Abe,
351
00:15:21,912 --> 00:15:24,181
how is the Unity Luncheon
planning?
352
00:15:24,181 --> 00:15:27,084
Well, I decided
we're gonna have tables.
353
00:15:27,084 --> 00:15:29,152
Uh-huh. And we're gonna put
food on the tables,
354
00:15:29,152 --> 00:15:32,158
and then we'll eat the food
off those same tables.
355
00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:33,657
(GROANS)
356
00:15:33,657 --> 00:15:35,225
Tables, that's, uh,
that's-- (CLEARS THROAT)
357
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,160
Anything else? 'Cause I'm--
I'm sure you've got more.
358
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,830
I'm sure of that, 'cause I--
I can vouch for that, you know,
359
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:43,199
- as I did earlier, publicly.
- Oh, and chairs.
360
00:15:43,199 --> 00:15:45,602
(CHUCKLES) I don't want
everybody to sit Indian style.
361
00:15:45,602 --> 00:15:46,903
- (BOTH GASP)
- (DISHES SHATTERING)
362
00:15:46,903 --> 00:15:48,838
Oops, sorry, I-- I didn't mean
to say something gay.
363
00:15:48,838 --> 00:15:50,777
- (CROWD GASPS)
- (DISHES CLATTERING)
364
00:15:51,111 --> 00:15:51,975
Abe!
365
00:15:51,975 --> 00:15:53,843
Okay. (STAMMERS) Let me explain.
366
00:15:53,843 --> 00:15:55,311
When I said gay, I'm not--
367
00:15:55,311 --> 00:15:57,613
I'm trying to say
that it was the most dumb,
368
00:15:57,613 --> 00:15:59,983
- stupid, horrible thing
that you could ever imagine.
- (STUDENTS GASP)
369
00:15:59,983 --> 00:16:01,952
- Abe!
- Like, just the worst thing
370
00:16:01,952 --> 00:16:04,157
- in the world.
- (DISHES BREAKING)
371
00:16:06,292 --> 00:16:08,925
Hey, you! So, um,
I like it in here
372
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:10,661
and I don't wanna
get kicked out.
373
00:16:10,661 --> 00:16:11,995
So, it would be great
374
00:16:11,995 --> 00:16:13,863
if you went off
and thought about
375
00:16:13,863 --> 00:16:15,531
those lunch plans
a little more, you know?
376
00:16:15,531 --> 00:16:20,538
Before you step in it
any further. Somewhere far away.
377
00:16:20,538 --> 00:16:22,606
Oh. Okay.
378
00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:26,445
♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
379
00:16:31,784 --> 00:16:34,818
(SIGHS) My old thinking dock.
380
00:16:34,818 --> 00:16:37,182
Why is this so dangerously high?
381
00:16:37,182 --> 00:16:38,389
Climate change, bro.
382
00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:40,057
So, that was real? Hmm.
383
00:16:40,057 --> 00:16:41,453
What are you doing out here
384
00:16:41,453 --> 00:16:43,459
at the thinking docks,
Confucius?
385
00:16:43,459 --> 00:16:45,662
Oh, I'm just trying
to get better at thinking,
386
00:16:45,662 --> 00:16:47,964
be more like the Confucius
I'm cloned from.
387
00:16:47,964 --> 00:16:51,267
Seems to me, there's no telling
what to think these days.
388
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:53,336
You know, normally,
I'd check in with my bro Gandhi
389
00:16:53,336 --> 00:16:56,406
at times like this.
I think he's been avoiding me.
390
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,542
(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)
391
00:16:58,542 --> 00:17:00,977
Why does everything
have to change?
392
00:17:00,977 --> 00:17:02,807
Joan and I used to be so close,
393
00:17:02,807 --> 00:17:05,248
but now I can't even sit
at the same lunch table as her.
394
00:17:05,248 --> 00:17:07,617
(SIGHS)
Everything I say is wrong.
395
00:17:07,617 --> 00:17:09,319
I just can't get it right.
396
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,516
- What should I do?
- What I've learned
397
00:17:11,516 --> 00:17:13,591
is the very best thing
to do always
398
00:17:13,591 --> 00:17:16,226
is to just say you're sorry.
399
00:17:16,226 --> 00:17:17,794
Hmm. That's--
400
00:17:17,794 --> 00:17:20,831
- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- In a cool,
overproduced apology video.
401
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,466
Sounds foolproof. Let's do it.
402
00:17:23,466 --> 00:17:25,803
- ♪ (U.S. ANTHEM PLAYING) ♪
- I wanna offer an apology
403
00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:27,436
for my despicable behavior.
404
00:17:27,436 --> 00:17:31,174
This is an opportunity to learn,
and reflect, and grow.
405
00:17:31,174 --> 00:17:34,377
As well as learning
and reflecting while growing.
406
00:17:34,377 --> 00:17:38,151
I'm not the only one
that matters. All lives matter.
407
00:17:39,185 --> 00:17:41,084
Uh. I'm sorry
if I offended anyone,
408
00:17:41,084 --> 00:17:43,319
but the truth is,
I don't see color.
409
00:17:43,319 --> 00:17:46,256
I mean, I once dressed up
as Chris Tucker for Halloween.
410
00:17:46,256 --> 00:17:50,093
Sorry not sorry.
I refuse to apologize.
411
00:17:50,093 --> 00:17:52,565
I'm sorry, I said,
"Sorry not sorry."
412
00:17:53,432 --> 00:17:55,599
I said I was sorry.
413
00:17:55,599 --> 00:17:57,666
So, I made
a couple mistakes, huh?
414
00:17:57,666 --> 00:18:02,272
Or is it "mister-stakes" now?
Oh, let's not be ridiculous.
415
00:18:02,272 --> 00:18:05,375
Or-- Or do I have to say
"ri-vagina-ulous," huh?
416
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:08,478
Because you can't comprehend
like a bunch of girls.
417
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,814
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
418
00:18:10,814 --> 00:18:14,417
ABE: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ah!
419
00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,853
- ♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- This guy is tragic.
420
00:18:16,853 --> 00:18:18,655
Are you sure he isn't a Kennedy?
421
00:18:18,655 --> 00:18:21,394
- Oh, Abe!
- I'll make it up to you.
422
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:25,464
Not gonna happen.
Abraham Lincoln,
423
00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:28,698
you are canceled.
424
00:18:28,698 --> 00:18:29,936
(STUDENTS GASP)
425
00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:33,339
(GASPS)
426
00:18:33,639 --> 00:18:34,871
(GASPS)
427
00:18:34,871 --> 00:18:36,239
- (GASPS)
- (STUDENTS GASP)
428
00:18:36,239 --> 00:18:39,776
Joan, what's happening?
Is this washable paint?
429
00:18:39,776 --> 00:18:41,679
Joan, say something.
430
00:18:41,679 --> 00:18:43,482
- (STUDENTS WHISPER)
- (GROANS)
431
00:18:44,717 --> 00:18:46,583
Joan? (GRUNTS)
432
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,217
- (SLURPS)
- (GRUNTS)
433
00:18:48,217 --> 00:18:49,285
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
434
00:18:49,285 --> 00:18:53,489
- Hey, Abe. You okay?
- No, I'm not.
435
00:18:53,489 --> 00:18:55,859
And you just stood there
and let them cancel me.
436
00:18:55,859 --> 00:18:57,027
Oh-- Oh, hey,
437
00:18:57,027 --> 00:18:59,262
I tried to include you
every step of the way.
438
00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:00,998
There's only so much
I can do, Abe.
439
00:19:00,998 --> 00:19:02,999
Who even are you right now?
440
00:19:02,999 --> 00:19:05,569
Eating lunch with JFK
and all the popular people,
441
00:19:05,569 --> 00:19:06,903
we used to make fun of them.
442
00:19:06,903 --> 00:19:08,905
This is different.
They actually like me.
443
00:19:08,905 --> 00:19:10,373
And I wanted them
to like you too.
444
00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:12,175
But you made it impossible,
didn't you?
445
00:19:12,175 --> 00:19:14,545
Now, I have to pull this whole
Unity Luncheon together
446
00:19:14,545 --> 00:19:15,846
in one day by myself.
447
00:19:15,846 --> 00:19:16,880
- Well, good luck...
- (SLURPS)
448
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:17,914
...'cause I'm gonna plan
449
00:19:17,914 --> 00:19:19,615
- my own unity luncheon...
- (GASPS)
450
00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:23,353
...and I'm gonna call it,
"The Luncheon for Unity,"
451
00:19:23,353 --> 00:19:26,222
and I'm gonna get
100,000 chicken hot wings,
452
00:19:26,222 --> 00:19:30,093
so that people will come
to my party, not yours.
453
00:19:30,093 --> 00:19:31,962
- (METAL SCREECHING)
- (GROANS)
454
00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,266
Almost there.
Keep doing the finger guns.
455
00:19:35,266 --> 00:19:36,335
(GROANS)
456
00:19:37,937 --> 00:19:39,469
The next time Candide
places a match
457
00:19:39,469 --> 00:19:41,604
against the wick
of this lavender vanilla insult,
458
00:19:41,604 --> 00:19:44,041
she'll find only too late
that I have replaced it
459
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:48,111
with this humble stick
of "dianamité."
460
00:19:48,111 --> 00:19:50,747
Mr. B, did you embed dynamite
in this candle?
461
00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:53,984
I'm not allowed
in here, remember?
462
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,085
And put razor blades
in the shell soap?
463
00:19:56,085 --> 00:19:59,155
- Nope!
- And a harpoon in the toilet
464
00:19:59,155 --> 00:20:01,425
that is activated
by the flushing mechanism?
465
00:20:01,425 --> 00:20:02,461
(GLASS SHATTERING)
466
00:20:04,297 --> 00:20:05,428
Why, the only other person
467
00:20:05,428 --> 00:20:07,430
with access
to the executive washroom...
468
00:20:07,430 --> 00:20:11,434
(GASPS) ...is--
Candide was trying to kill me.
469
00:20:11,434 --> 00:20:16,642
Candide was trying to...
(CHUCKLES) ...kill-- kill me.
470
00:20:21,147 --> 00:20:23,313
Wait a minute.
I've never worn pearls.
471
00:20:23,313 --> 00:20:26,049
Candide must have
gotten these for me.
472
00:20:26,049 --> 00:20:31,390
Oh! They're bombs!
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
473
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:35,091
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Wow, Joan, this is impressive.
474
00:20:35,091 --> 00:20:37,460
You pulled together
a hella swizz Unity Luncheon.
475
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,264
Thanks, guys. Hey,
you haven't seen Abe, have you?
476
00:20:40,264 --> 00:20:41,498
He said something about doing
477
00:20:41,498 --> 00:20:43,266
his own unity lunch...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
478
00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:44,902
...but I'm sure he wouldn’t--
479
00:20:44,902 --> 00:20:47,303
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
480
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:49,272
- (AIR HORN BLARING)
- (ALL GASP)
481
00:20:49,272 --> 00:20:52,476
ABE: I've got 100,000
hot wings right here.
482
00:20:52,476 --> 00:20:55,111
America's most beloved
party food,
483
00:20:55,111 --> 00:20:59,248
only served
at my Luncheon for Unity.
484
00:20:59,248 --> 00:21:00,851
So unfair.
I was just trying
485
00:21:00,851 --> 00:21:02,819
to impress a woman
I ignored for years,
486
00:21:02,819 --> 00:21:06,489
and then I get canceled.
Oh, women are so hard to please.
487
00:21:06,489 --> 00:21:09,693
- Seriously, man.
- Thank you, Ivan the Terrible.
488
00:21:09,693 --> 00:21:11,961
Finally someone gets how I feel.
489
00:21:11,961 --> 00:21:13,363
- I hate all women.
- (SLURPS)
490
00:21:13,363 --> 00:21:15,198
I hate them because
I want to have sex with them
491
00:21:15,198 --> 00:21:17,300
and they won't have sex with me
because I hate them.
492
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:20,137
Okay. (STAMMERS)
That's not quite how I feel.
493
00:21:20,137 --> 00:21:22,000
Wait, there's more than one
unity luncheon?
494
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,178
- I want my own unity luncheon!
- (CROWD CLAMORING)
495
00:21:36,723 --> 00:21:39,422
(COUGHING)
496
00:21:39,422 --> 00:21:42,260
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Unity Week is ruined.
497
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:43,993
- Joan--
- It's okay, Frida.
498
00:21:43,993 --> 00:21:45,494
You don't have to say it.
499
00:21:45,494 --> 00:21:48,765
I'm no longer included
in the Inclusivity Committee.
500
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:49,999
I'm so sorry, girl.
501
00:21:49,999 --> 00:21:52,105
- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Me too.
502
00:21:55,303 --> 00:21:56,375
No!
503
00:21:58,010 --> 00:22:02,612
(CRIES) Oh, we were so close.
504
00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:06,080
I guess high school
is gonna be the same after all.
505
00:22:11,390 --> 00:22:13,827
I think I screwed up,
drugstore tiki torch.
506
00:22:21,701 --> 00:22:22,736
(MUNCHES)
507
00:22:31,077 --> 00:22:33,212
Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.
508
00:22:36,816 --> 00:22:38,451
Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.
509
00:22:40,820 --> 00:22:41,888
Ow! Dinger!
510
00:22:46,458 --> 00:22:50,226
Ow! Dinger!
Ding-- Dinger! Ow! Dinger!
511
00:22:50,226 --> 00:22:52,229
♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
512
00:22:52,229 --> 00:22:54,326
(SCREAMS) Dinger! (GROANS)
513
00:22:54,326 --> 00:22:57,400
Oh! Ah!
514
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,335
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
515
00:22:59,335 --> 00:23:02,440
- ABE: Attention everyone.
- (CROWD GASPING, JEERING)
516
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,675
Today I ruined much more
than a luncheon.
517
00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:07,176
I ruined the best friendship
I've ever had
518
00:23:07,176 --> 00:23:09,445
with the best person
I've ever known.
519
00:23:09,445 --> 00:23:12,750
Joan is creative, and funny,
and deserves to be popular.
520
00:23:12,750 --> 00:23:16,486
I deserve to be punished.
And for that punishment,
521
00:23:16,486 --> 00:23:20,724
I deserve to have hot wing sauce
poured into these paper cuts.
522
00:23:20,724 --> 00:23:22,425
Who's with me?
523
00:23:22,425 --> 00:23:26,700
- Sorry, who's against me?
- (CROWD CHEERING)
524
00:23:31,004 --> 00:23:34,573
(YELLS)
525
00:23:36,308 --> 00:23:39,142
- (YELLS)
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
526
00:23:39,142 --> 00:23:40,310
- Hey, Joan, uh...
- (ABE YELLING)
527
00:23:40,310 --> 00:23:41,344
...there's a really boring
528
00:23:41,344 --> 00:23:42,880
black-and-white
film festival tomorrow.
529
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:43,780
You wanna come with us?
530
00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:46,419
- Of course. Thanks, guys.
- (ABE GROANING)
531
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:48,785
Uh. I'm sorry, Joan.
532
00:23:48,785 --> 00:23:50,654
I don't know much
about this crazy new world
533
00:23:50,654 --> 00:23:51,622
we're living in.
534
00:23:51,622 --> 00:23:54,257
But I do know that you make it
a better place.
535
00:23:54,257 --> 00:23:56,494
I really hope
we can be friends again.
536
00:23:56,494 --> 00:23:59,562
Oh, Abe, I always wanna
be your friend.
537
00:23:59,562 --> 00:24:03,166
Whether it's 2003
or 2000 and whatever this is.
538
00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:04,368
Do you think we could ever maybe
539
00:24:04,368 --> 00:24:06,937
- be more than frie--
- Hey, JFK!
540
00:24:06,937 --> 00:24:08,105
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
541
00:24:08,105 --> 00:24:10,841
So, I've been thinking
about your proposal,
542
00:24:10,841 --> 00:24:14,111
and the more I think about it,
the more I realize,
543
00:24:14,111 --> 00:24:15,413
I'm thinking too much.
544
00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:16,847
(CHUCKLES)
What I'm trying to say is,
545
00:24:16,847 --> 00:24:18,448
I'd love to be your girlfriend.
546
00:24:18,448 --> 00:24:22,789
I say we celebrate
with some tongue twisting, huh?
547
00:24:24,089 --> 00:24:25,155
BOTH: Red leather,
yellow leather!
548
00:24:25,155 --> 00:24:26,189
Red leather, yellow leather!
549
00:24:26,189 --> 00:24:28,525
She sells seashells
by the seashore!
550
00:24:28,525 --> 00:24:29,626
- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) All right.
551
00:24:29,626 --> 00:24:32,195
Now, let's kiss
in the French style,
552
00:24:32,195 --> 00:24:35,899
with poodles on our lap
while appeasing Germany.
553
00:24:35,899 --> 00:24:36,936
(BOTH KISSING, SLURPING)
554
00:24:37,565 --> 00:24:38,537
(WHIMPERS)
555
00:24:39,639 --> 00:24:41,472
- Ah! Dinger!
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
556
00:24:41,472 --> 00:24:43,476
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
557
00:25:30,390 --> 00:25:32,525
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪