ABE LINCOLN: And now, a very special episode
of the long-awaited and mildly anticipated,
Clone High.
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(KEYPAD BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
- (LASERS ZAP) - (DOLPHINS CHITTER)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)
His name is Cinnamon J. Scudworth.
Twenty years ago he created clones of historical figures
and sent them to a high school called "Clone High,"
where he was principal.
And then suddenly the program was put on ice.
Quite literally, when he froze the clones on Winter Prom night.
Our mission is to unfreeze those clones,
send them back to high school, and secretly groom them
to one day rule the world.
Failure to do so could mean world leaders
just keep getting worse.
- I won't let you down. - It won't be easy.
When these clones were frozen,
a tremendous amount of drama was frozen with them.
So, Abe was just about to profess his love
for either Cleopatra,
who was the hottest girl in school and totally into him,
or Joan of Arc,
who had secretly been in love with him for years
but had just hooked up with JFK.
Abe walks in on them and says, "I love..."
And then he gets frozen.
It's like, did someone order a 20-year cliffhanger?
- Uh. Right here. - BOARD MEMBER 1: Joan or Cleo?
- Cleo or Joan? - (BOARD MEMBERS LAUGHING)
- BOARD MEMBER 2: Team Cleo. - BOARD MEMBER 3: Oh, Team Joan over here.
(CLEARS THROAT) And so begins,
"Clone High Colon Operation Spread Eagle."
(EAGLE SCREECHING)
(LIGHT SWITCHES CLICKING)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Joan!
- (BOARD MEMBERS CHEERING) - BOARD MEMBER 2: He said Joan?
BOARD MEMBER 4: (CHUCKLES) No way! Wow!
♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
♪ Secret government employees ♪
♪ Dug up famous guys And ladies ♪
♪ Made amusing genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones' genes Were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It's time to watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining ♪
♪ Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
There she is, Gandhi.
Joan of Arc, the love of my life.
And for years, I took her for granted.
That stops now.
It's time for me to tell her how I feel, Gandhi.
I mean, it's 2003.
Guys shouldn't be afraid to talk about feelings.
(CHUCKLES) Gandhi, you've been pretty quiet.
What's your take?
Huh? I thought I was talking to my comedic sidekick Gandhi.
Let me know if you see him, Turkey Fire Hydrant.
Hey, Joan, how's it going?
Something feels off.
There's a bunch of students I've never seen before,
and some of them are on these insane-looking scooter things.
Oh, my God, what's wrong with your eyes?
Joan, I can't hold back my feelings anymore.
And I'm just grabbing the bull by the horns,
and I'm gonna come right out and say it.
Here goes. (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Joan of Arc. - ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Good morning, would you like to walk to school together?
(GASPS) I just said "morning wood." (LAUGHS)
'Cause I woke up this morning, super aroused,
because we boned at prom, which was last night.
Joan of Arc, will you officially be my girlfriend?
- (GROANS) - But you're popular,
and I'm definitely not. So, really?
I mean, um, can I think about it?
Whoa! Uh, I've never been turned down before,
but, uh, that's okay.
It'll make it all the more delicious
- when you do say yes. - (DRONE WHIRRING)
Ah! Whoa! (CHUCKLES) A little spaceship.
I'm gonna go chase it. Ah!
See you later, soon-to-be girlfriend.
So, you guys, huh? So cool.
Ugh! I don't know, Abe.
I just wanna make sure I'm not...
- (LAUGHS) - ...jumping into a relationship
solely because he's the first guy
- I had steamy, hot... - (WHIMPERS)
...incredible, mind-bending sex with.
Uh. I think that's enough adjectives.
Thanks. (GRUNTS)
Come back here, spaceship. Oh, this is fun.
♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (LIQUID BUBBLING) - (STEAM HISSING)
Mr. B, after a long night of unfreezing clones,
it's finally time to enjoy a scalding,
skin-searingly hot sip of coffee.
- Scudworth! - (SCREAMS) Oh, God, it burns!
Oh, I need something to cool off my face.
Oh, why did I do that?
- It's still so hot! - Yes, why would anyone
- do anything a second time... - (SCREAMS)
...after they got burned so badly
- the first time? - Oh, my face! Still so hot!
- ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - My name is Candide Sampson.
I'm here to watch over you as we execute
- "Operation Spread Eagle." - (EAGLE SCREECHING)
What? I don't need a boss, especially not some woman.
I mean, not that I'm against
- women in the workplace-- - CANDIDE SAMPSON: Enough!
I will be installing a glass ceiling,
so that I may oversee your every move.
Women and their glass ceilings
that they're always prancing around
- on top of-- - (BUILDING THUDS)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
I noticed other unauthorized clones roaming the halls,
including many
who are not anywhere on the original class list.
That's because this whole time I've been secretly keeping
Clone High going with a whole new set
of different cloned historical figures without permission.
- (GLASS SHATTERING) - What?
Hmm. Maybe having additional clones
isn't a terrible idea.
So, how did the clones who have been frozen
for 20 years take it when you told them?
Oh, yes! I knew there was something
- I forgot to do. (CHUCKLES) - ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (MIC FEEDBACK) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, everyone.
(CLEARS THROAT) A few quick announcements.
Today is pizza boats, Latin club will meet in the library,
and for anyone who thinks it's 2003, you're wrong.
You've actually been frozen for 20 years.
The students you don't recognize
were cloned a few years after you were frozen.
So, you're all roughly the same age.
- (STUDENTS CLAMORING) - What?
We missed the last 20 years?
Oh, my God, does that mean I'm 36?
'Cause I look amazing for 36.
- (MIC FEEDBACK) - To catch you up on what's been
going on in culture for the past two decades,
I prepared a very fun,
- Clockwork Orange-style re-education. - (YELPS)
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Poke bowls, Fyre Fest Kim Kardashian was a West ♪
♪ Gaga wore a meat dress Most meat is now meatless ♪
♪ Janet Jackson's nipple slip Rap rock is no longer hip ♪
♪ Marvel movies, Taylor Swift Bill Cosby, Google it! ♪
♪ Viral trends, K-pop bands Lost finale, upset friends ♪
♪ Snap, Meta, Insta posts Pics of avocado toast! ♪
♪ Podcasts made through NFTs Only reboots on TV! ♪
♪ Keto diet, Beyoncé Billionaires went to space ♪
♪ Everyone is filled with hate ♪
♪ Now you're all Caught up to date ♪
- (PANTS) - (BUZZER BLARING)
- I, uh, have no more questions. - (STUDENTS GROANING)
- Uh. Yeah, I have a question. - Great question.
Here to not answer it is the most popular clone
and the hottest girl in the school.
- Finally! - Cleopatra.
Please move out of the way so everyone can see Frida Kahlo,
- your class president. - Who?
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - (STUDENTS CHEERING)
Wait a minute. She's popular?
Welcome, froze clones. We know it must be crazy
waking up after 20 years.
Hell, I can't function
when my smartwatch switches to daylight savings.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
No one understands what you're saying.
Anyway, the rest of us
are gonna help shake off those cobwebs by hosting y'all
at our first ever Clone High Unity Week.
- (STUDENTS CHEERING) - (AIR HORN BLARING)
And to give us all the meets and deets,
my sis from another petri dish,
- Harriet Tubman. - (STUDENTS CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you, and welcome to the future.
There will be tons of unity events this week.
So, you'd better sign up, I'm very serious.
I will know if you didn't sign up.
I'll find you. I swear, I will.
We're passing around the sign-up sheet right now.
- Peace. - (MIC FEEDBACK)
High school sucked the first time,
- and it's gonna suck again. - ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I'll be even more of a social pariah,
since I've been frozen for 20 years.
(CHUCKLES) I don't know,
maybe it'll be kind of fun living in the future.
Oh, they have pens on strings now. What a world!
- ♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - (TAPPING ON GLASS)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS) I can't take it, Mr. B.
The glass ceiling,
the incessant tippy, tip, tip, tip, tip, tapping
of all of the reptile nails.
CANDIDE: Scudworth, I need your key
to the principal's private washroom.
All right, let me see where I put it.
I'm not giving it to her.
She can't boss me around like that.
Oh, that's not it. No, she can't. I won't.
Uh. It should be here somewhere.
I won't share it, Mr. B, this is my space.
Everything is just so.
Even the pubes on the toilet seat?
(FLIES BUZZING)
I told you they were mustache trimmings!
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Happy Unity Week, y'all. Pew! Pew!
It's your boy, C-- C-- Confucius.
Our first Unity Week activity
is a "walk a mile in someone else's shoes."
Tell 'em how it works, Sacagawea.
We are going super literal on this one, y'all.
Swap shoes with someone you don't know,
then walk a mile together.
Make a best friend and get those steps in. (CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTS)
- ATTILA: (GRUNTS) Little damp. - (GAGS)
Look at us, first ones out of the gate.
Is this a competition?
HARRIET TUBMAN: Is anything not? (LAUGHS)
- What's your name? - It's Topher Bus.
But you know, 20 years ago,
a bus was a mode of transportation.
- Uh. Yeah, we still have buses. - Copy that.
Man, I must sound like a total spaz right now.
- (GIRLS GASP) - (GROANS)
- You need to be more careful with your words. - (GRUNTS)
- You don't wanna get canceled. - (GRUNTS)
You're saying I need to be more politically correct.
We don't say
- "politically correct" anymore. - Oh, nice.
- That stuff was so retard-- - Retired!
Yes. The phrase was retired.
- No, I was gonna say, retard-- - Shut up!
Wait, you make multimedia performance art too?
Of course, I do it all.
Writing, directing, overthinking, second guessing,
self-loathing, unraveling, and regrouping.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)
(GROANS) I think I have a blister.
Do these even qualify as shoes? They're so flimsy.
It's like they were made by blind people.
Because they were. (GROANS) Come here.
Do you know what my real name is?
(WHISPERS) Christopher Columbus.
- Cool. - Not cool.
While you were frozen, he got canceled
for being a dirtbag.
I'm trying to distance myself from my clone father.
That's why I go by Topher Bus.
- (LAUGHS) - You know who's gonna get canceled? JFK.
You should have heard him talking to Joan this morning.
That guy's always saying
inappropriate and offensive things.
I like boobies and butts, any shape or size.
- Wow. So sex-positive. - Yes, I am positive I like sex.
CONFUCIUS: Refreshing honesty.
- SACAGAWEA: So uninhibited. - (GRUNTS)
We know this must be overwhelming,
so we wanted to invite the coolest of you frozens
to join our Inclusivity Committee.
It's the most exclusive part of Unity Week.
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - So, what do you say, Cleo?
- Finally. - Could you step aside
so we can give this to Joan of Arc?
- (GASPS) - (GASPS)
- Here. - Wow.
With the photo I don't remember posing for
and everything.
Wait, so you're the hottest girl in school and Joan is cool?
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare. Somebody wake me up.
(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)
She's great.
And here's a badge for our final committee member.
(CHUCKLES) I hope you've found
- a decent photo of me too. - No. JFK.
Hot, uh, uh, dog! Yeah!
♪ Me and Joanie Sitting in a tree ♪
♪ Banging in The Inclusivity Committee ♪
CLEOPATRA: Wanna borrow this?
Now, we just gotta find somebody to plan
the Unity Luncheon on Friday.
Wait, um, what if we let Abe plan the Unity Luncheon?
Joan, Topher just posted, in a super mansplaining way,
that Abe was mansplaining.
Oh, sorry. I don't know what "mansplaining" means.
I'll clarify it for you, Joanie.
- See, when a man-- - Okay, I get it now.
Look, Abe is my best friend and he loves lunch.
I do. I eat it every day. Ask anybody.
(SIGHS) All right then, Abe Lincoln,
- the luncheon is yours. - Yes. I won't let you down.
(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)
(SCREAMS)
(WHISTLES) Ah!
Time for a little debriefing. And a little "de-briefing."
What's this?
Elegant towels, a soap dispenser.
Lemon-scented feminine hygienics.
Where are the pubes-- I mean mustache trimmings!
The nerve of this woman!
Bring me my sombrero of invisibilidad.
Try to supervise me now, Candide.
She doesn't even know I'm under here,
that's how stupid she is.
Whoops, I'm a little turned around.
Okay, here we go.
This way I can open
- my secret safe... - (GLASS SHATTERING)
...completely undetected. (SCATTING)
Now that I've shown you my scatting ability,
- I shall open the safe. - (SAFE BEEPS)
She thinks she can get inside my head.
Well, I will get inside her head by blowing it up.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Ugh! Where do I sit?
Yo! Cool boots. Over here.
♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wow. It's like a VIP section in here.
Yeah, it's inspired
by business class airport lounges.
It's a big step up from eating by myself in the bathroom.
I saved you a seat,
and feel free to put your books on my buttshelf.
Aw! Thanks, JFK.
Looks like we're both popular now.
- You two are so cute together. - Right?
- Joan? Joan? Joan of Arc? - It's cool. He's with me.
♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Oh, my God, Abe,
how is the Unity Luncheon planning?
Well, I decided we're gonna have tables.
Uh-huh. And we're gonna put food on the tables,
and then we'll eat the food off those same tables.
(GROANS)
Tables, that's, uh, that's-- (CLEARS THROAT)
Anything else? 'Cause I'm-- I'm sure you've got more.
I'm sure of that, 'cause I-- I can vouch for that, you know,
- as I did earlier, publicly. - Oh, and chairs.
(CHUCKLES) I don't want everybody to sit Indian style.
- (BOTH GASP) - (DISHES SHATTERING)
Oops, sorry, I-- I didn't mean to say something gay.
- (CROWD GASPS) - (DISHES CLATTERING)
Abe!
Okay. (STAMMERS) Let me explain.
When I said gay, I'm not--
I'm trying to say that it was the most dumb,
- stupid, horrible thing that you could ever imagine. - (STUDENTS GASP)
- Abe! - Like, just the worst thing
- in the world. - (DISHES BREAKING)
Hey, you! So, um, I like it in here
and I don't wanna get kicked out.
So, it would be great
if you went off and thought about
those lunch plans a little more, you know?
Before you step in it any further. Somewhere far away.
Oh. Okay.
♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS) My old thinking dock.
Why is this so dangerously high?
Climate change, bro.
So, that was real? Hmm.
What are you doing out here
at the thinking docks, Confucius?
Oh, I'm just trying to get better at thinking,
be more like the Confucius I'm cloned from.
Seems to me, there's no telling what to think these days.
You know, normally, I'd check in with my bro Gandhi
at times like this. I think he's been avoiding me.
(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)
Why does everything have to change?
Joan and I used to be so close,
but now I can't even sit at the same lunch table as her.
(SIGHS) Everything I say is wrong.
I just can't get it right.
- What should I do? - What I've learned
is the very best thing to do always
is to just say you're sorry.
Hmm. That's--
- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - In a cool, overproduced apology video.
Sounds foolproof. Let's do it.
- ♪ (U.S. ANTHEM PLAYING) ♪ - I wanna offer an apology
for my despicable behavior.
This is an opportunity to learn, and reflect, and grow.
As well as learning and reflecting while growing.
I'm not the only one that matters. All lives matter.
Uh. I'm sorry if I offended anyone,
but the truth is, I don't see color.
I mean, I once dressed up as Chris Tucker for Halloween.
Sorry not sorry. I refuse to apologize.
I'm sorry, I said, "Sorry not sorry."
I said I was sorry.
So, I made a couple mistakes, huh?
Or is it "mister-stakes" now? Oh, let's not be ridiculous.
Or-- Or do I have to say "ri-vagina-ulous," huh?
Because you can't comprehend like a bunch of girls.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ABE: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ah!
- ♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - This guy is tragic.
Are you sure he isn't a Kennedy?
- Oh, Abe! - I'll make it up to you.
Not gonna happen. Abraham Lincoln,
you are canceled.
(STUDENTS GASP)
(GASPS)
- (GASPS) - (STUDENTS GASP)
Joan, what's happening? Is this washable paint?
Joan, say something.
- (STUDENTS WHISPER) - (GROANS)
Joan? (GRUNTS)
- (SLURPS) - (GRUNTS)
♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Hey, Abe. You okay? - No, I'm not.
And you just stood there and let them cancel me.
Oh-- Oh, hey,
I tried to include you every step of the way.
There's only so much I can do, Abe.
Who even are you right now?
Eating lunch with JFK and all the popular people,
we used to make fun of them.
This is different. They actually like me.
And I wanted them to like you too.
But you made it impossible, didn't you?
Now, I have to pull this whole Unity Luncheon together
in one day by myself.
- Well, good luck... - (SLURPS)
...'cause I'm gonna plan
- my own unity luncheon... - (GASPS)
...and I'm gonna call it, "The Luncheon for Unity,"
and I'm gonna get 100,000 chicken hot wings,
so that people will come to my party, not yours.
- (METAL SCREECHING) - (GROANS)
Almost there. Keep doing the finger guns.
(GROANS)
The next time Candide places a match
against the wick of this lavender vanilla insult,
she'll find only too late that I have replaced it
with this humble stick of "dianamité."
Mr. B, did you embed dynamite in this candle?
I'm not allowed in here, remember?
And put razor blades in the shell soap?
- Nope! - And a harpoon in the toilet
that is activated by the flushing mechanism?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Why, the only other person
with access to the executive washroom...
(GASPS) ...is-- Candide was trying to kill me.
Candide was trying to... (CHUCKLES) ...kill-- kill me.
Wait a minute. I've never worn pearls.
Candide must have gotten these for me.
Oh! They're bombs! (SCREAMS, GROANS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Wow, Joan, this is impressive.
You pulled together a hella swizz Unity Luncheon.
Thanks, guys. Hey, you haven't seen Abe, have you?
He said something about doing
his own unity lunch... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
...but I'm sure he wouldn’t--
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (AIR HORN BLARING) - (ALL GASP)
ABE: I've got 100,000 hot wings right here.
America's most beloved party food,
only served at my Luncheon for Unity.
So unfair. I was just trying
to impress a woman I ignored for years,
and then I get canceled. Oh, women are so hard to please.
- Seriously, man. - Thank you, Ivan the Terrible.
Finally someone gets how I feel.
- I hate all women. - (SLURPS)
I hate them because I want to have sex with them
and they won't have sex with me because I hate them.
Okay. (STAMMERS) That's not quite how I feel.
Wait, there's more than one unity luncheon?
- I want my own unity luncheon! - (CROWD CLAMORING)
(COUGHING)
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - Unity Week is ruined.
- Joan-- - It's okay, Frida.
You don't have to say it.
I'm no longer included in the Inclusivity Committee.
I'm so sorry, girl.
- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Me too.
No!
(CRIES) Oh, we were so close.
I guess high school is gonna be the same after all.
I think I screwed up, drugstore tiki torch.
(MUNCHES)
Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.
Ow! Dinger!
Ding-- Dinger! Ow! Dinger!
♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(SCREAMS) Dinger! (GROANS)
Oh! Ah!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - ♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- ABE: Attention everyone. - (CROWD GASPING, JEERING)
Today I ruined much more than a luncheon.
I ruined the best friendship I've ever had
with the best person I've ever known.
Joan is creative, and funny, and deserves to be popular.
I deserve to be punished. And for that punishment,
I deserve to have hot wing sauce poured into these paper cuts.
Who's with me?
- Sorry, who's against me? - (CROWD CHEERING)
(YELLS)
- (YELLS) - ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Hey, Joan, uh... - (ABE YELLING)
...there's a really boring
black-and-white film festival tomorrow.
You wanna come with us?
- Of course. Thanks, guys. - (ABE GROANING)
Uh. I'm sorry, Joan.
I don't know much about this crazy new world
we're living in.
But I do know that you make it a better place.
I really hope we can be friends again.
Oh, Abe, I always wanna be your friend.
Whether it's 2003 or 2000 and whatever this is.
Do you think we could ever maybe
- be more than frie-- - Hey, JFK!
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
So, I've been thinking about your proposal,
and the more I think about it, the more I realize,
I'm thinking too much.
(CHUCKLES) What I'm trying to say is,
I'd love to be your girlfriend.
I say we celebrate with some tongue twisting, huh?
BOTH: Red leather, yellow leather!
Red leather, yellow leather!
She sells seashells by the seashore!
- (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) All right.
Now, let's kiss in the French style,
with poodles on our lap while appeasing Germany.
(BOTH KISSING, SLURPING)
(WHIMPERS)
- Ah! Dinger! - ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪