♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(ALL GRUNT)
Huh? What?
(BLARING)
It can't be. (GASPS) The stone of eternal servitude!
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WATER BURBLING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Yes! A gem fit for a king.
-I want it. (GRUNTS) -No!
(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)
This is the most powerful force in the universe.
And it must never fall into the wrong hands. (GROANS)
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Ladies and gentlemen of the Board of Shadowy Figures.
I present to you the most powerful force in the universe.
(ALL GASP)
-Give me! -The inscription warns
that the crown is deadly in the wrong hands,
and must only be worn by nobility.
Fucking bullshit.
Luckily, homecoming is approaching
and we'll crown our king and queen.
With them as our puppet, that power is ours.
And you're sure it's going to work?
Of course.
Scudworth has assured me that nothing can go wrong.
Say what now? I heard my name.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Very well then. If we want to take over the world,
we have to break a few eggs.
This is all riding on you, Scudworth.
-Ah! But I didn't-- -(LAUGHS DIABOLICALLY)
-Let homecoming begin. -(THUNDER RUMBLING)
♪ (MARCHING BAND VERSION OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Damn! This float's gonna be goat!
Do you think there's enough corporate diarrhea splatter?
-Never. -(CHUCKLES)
What a fun homecoming float.
You're capturing all the joys of a high school football game.
No, this is the Art Club float.
I'm so excited because people really care
about issues these days, so we're using homecoming
to make a thought-provoking statement
about corruption and corporate greed.
It's gonna be a hoot. (YELLS) Homecoming!
The only float I care about is you, Joan,
because you float my boat. (CHUCKLES)
And by boat, I mean penis. And by float, I also mean penis.
-You penis my penis. -Oh, you two! (CHUCKLES)
Terrible! (LAUGHS)
-(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS) -Vote for me.
I've got everything you need to be homecoming queen.
I'm a total ten with the best bod.
Plus, I'm giving out pumpkin spice lattes.
-(CROWD CHEERS) -I'll take one.
That one's not for me. Okay.
Pumpkin mixed with coffee? What has the world come to?
-I'll have one. -I'll have one, too.
They're still doing homecoming court?
That's so last century. What's next?
The Electric Slide, or the Macarena, or the--
"Instructional Boogie." Everyone's favorite song.
♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL BOOGIE" PLAYING) ♪
-(CROWD CHEERS) -STUDENT: Whoo! This is everyone's favorite song.
What is happening?
ANNOUNCER: (OVER RADIO) It's time for everyone's favorite song,
"The Instructional Boogie," which means this song has lyrics
that will tell you exactly what to do.
Well, what are we waiting for?
♪ Jump up and down ♪
♪ Wave your right hand And wave your left thumb ♪
♪ Now clap your hands Gently four times ♪
♪ And scratch your ear ♪
Cleo! Cleo, I'll take one.
Is that everyone? Does anyone else need a latte?
Me. Am I invisible or something?
♪ Now groove on over To your high school nemesis ♪
♪ Pretend to be nice ♪
Hey, Joan, vote for me for homecoming queen.
Want some pumpkin spice in your mouth hole?
No, thanks. My homecoming is an opportunity
to shine light onto the broken justice system.
-That's fun too. -I'm sorry,
-is your mind also flat-chested? -(CUP THUDS)
CONFUCIUS: Ow! But, thanks. I'll take it.
The world may have changed, but there's one thing
that hasn't. Homecoming queens are still totally cute.
(CHUCKLES) That's why I'm gonna win.
♪ Make your hips go Dip, dip, dips ♪
I don't need songs to tell me when to dip.
I'll dip when I damn well please.
You think you're better than me, but looks like your boyf
is picking up what I'm putting down.
♪ Now, hop like a bunny Do the bunny hop ♪
-♪ Let me see your bunny hop ♪ -Tell me what to do,
man from the radio!
(GRUNTS)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
(DRINK SLURPS)
Did you see Cleo campaigning for homecoming queen?
She's so shameless. I mean, take it down a notch.
Hmm. Kind of seems like you and Cleo
are like my dad's favorite meal. All beef.
All I'm saying is, she's a horrible person.
We can't put her on a pedestal. Trust me.
I've lived there before. Nobody wants that.
Well, her foamy lattes disagree.
Oh, this drink is good.
-I love Cleo. -It's like pie but you drink it.
You don't get it. She's just... (GROANS) ...the worst!
She's toxic. Her, um,
lattes are made from, uh, child labor.
Is that true?
-(CLOCK TICKING, DINGING) -Yes.
Not only that, the kids work in the spice mines
-under horrible conditions. -(CHILDREN CRYING)
And the pumpkins
are blood pumpkins, which is a real thing.
Okay, disgusting. (GROANS)
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ You ain't talking 'bout me You ain't talking 'bout much ♪
♪ I stay on card But it ain't no bluff ♪
♪ Bet you won't say it again ♪
♪ Never ever took an end That became a win ♪
♪ Might be losing friends But I'm gaining hands ♪
♪ My eyes are stuck I'm the champion ♪
♪ (SONG FADES) ♪
♪ (OMINOUS MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BELL TOLLING)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Assemble the masses.
-♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CROWD CHEERING)
It's the moment you've all been waiting for.
This year's homecoming king
is inexplicably popular, and so lovably dumb,
and hot in a way that your parents approve of.
Aw, shucks.
HARRIET TUBMAN: But not a piece of total human garbage.
Oh, come on.
-(SHRIEKS) -HARRIET: Our king is JFK!
-(EXCLAIMS) Yes! -(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS)
Oh, my God. I'm the king of coming! (CHUCKLES)
At home! Let me grab my staff, and the family jewels.
Scepter? I hardly know her. Ah! It's the friggin’ best.
And now, the real moment we've all been waiting for.
This year's homecoming queen is, clap your hands for Joan of Arc.
-(CROWD CHEERS) -What?
-This can't be happening. -This can't be happening.
My queen, take a royal selfie with me.
Would you sign my nut?
-My queen! Sign my nut. -Sign my nut.
We're homecoming royalty!
Two beautiful young people ruling the world,
parading around in an open convertible.
What could go wrong?
Everything. Just 'cause I didn't want Cleo to win,
doesn't mean I should. No one should be queen.
Just enjoy it. You're so selfless
and honest, Joan. You deserve this.
No, you get off the stage. I want a recount.
Congrats, Joan. Turns out,
nobody wants to vote for a pumpkin murderer.
-Pumpkin murderer. -(CROWD CLAMORS)
(SOBS)
Cleo...
Well anyway, thanks for the tip, Joan.
And now, we will crown our queen,
as we slowly and deliberately
placed the crown onto her head in ten, nine, eight, seven...
My clone foster daughter is going to wear the crown.
I'm so proud. The most powerful force in the universe
will be living under my roof.
And the board will give me credit for it. That's a real win
-for the Scudman. -Ugh.
HARRIET: One and a half, one and one quarter.
One and a fifth.
I actually have to go to the bathroom.
(CROWD TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
-(CLEO SOBBING) -Cleo?
-Are you crying? -I'm not crying.
I'm just leaking anger.
It really seems like you're crying.
Of course, I'm crying.
You're so plain, and I'm super-hot.
And yet, people voted for you.
Being queen is the one thing I cared about, but you just
-couldn't let me have that. -Look, I don't even care
about this stupid, basic,
pointless, merely symbolic crown.
I mean, if you want it so bad, take it.
♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm out of here!
-(DOOR OPENING, CLOSING) -Now, I have the power.
♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hmm?
I'm beautiful.
♪ (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH GASP)
(ALL GASP)
(GASPS)
♪ (RAP MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
People, we're ready for the parade.
-Where's my homecoming queen? -(CHUCKLES) I'm right here.
You're not the queen, Joan is.
She's redefining female popularity
with her feminist takes on justice reform.
And we need to get her on the float, okay? Stat!
But I am the queen. You need me on the float, stat.
Yeah, I do, you hot bitch.
Get that slammin' booty on my float.
That's more like it.
♪ B-A-D Bad girls getting money ♪
♪ B-A-D Ba-ba-bad dirty money ♪
Wait, is that pumpkin spice latte?
Ew. Ugh, gross. Ugh, disgusting.
Oh, the worst thing I've ever-- One more taste.
Abe! Where are you going?
I'm going to see Cleo on her fly parade float.
She's the hottest girl in school.
A total ten with the best bod. Now, talk to the hand.
Wait, why are you talking like Cleo?
And why are you wearing a crop top and gaucho pants?
Because it's cute. Bye!
♪ The beat goes Bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ Work your body Oh, oh, oh ♪
-(CROWD CHEERS) -♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-This is an utter disaster! -Yeah, I don't know
what you're gonna tell the Board.
I'd hate to be in your shoes.
-(STAMMERS) -(MIMICS)
Quit bickering. We have to stop Cleo
before she does that thing where the usurper to the throne
bends everyone to her will and rules with an iron fist.
He's right. We just have to stay calm and...
be total tens with the best bod.
Oh! Cleopatra, comin' atcha!
-(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS) -PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: That float is the bomb dot com.
Can you believe it took over 10,000 orchids to build it?
-It's so hot. -So hot.
-Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot,
-hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. -Wait, what?
SCUDWORTH: Here they come now,
your homecoming queen and her king! Cleo and JFK!
-(CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS) -What is going on?
That's my boyfriend. Why is he acting so strange?
(SPEAKING IN ROBOTIC VOICE) I am not a strange.
-I am a normal. -I know you're in there, JFK.
Uh, I don't--I don't want to beat around the bush.
Maybe it's just hard for you.
I wanna beat something hard around your bush. (EXHALES)
Help me, Joanie. Help me! (STAMMERS)
(SPEAKING IN ROBOTIC VOICE) I'm hopelessly devoted to Cleo.
I am no longer a fan of sexual puns.
He's mine now, Joanie.
I've turned him and I'm gonna turn you too.
(YELLS)
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪ -Oh, no.
That float's gonna hit me.
-In a few minutes. -(TIRES SQUEALING)
Grab my hand, Joan, I'll save you.
Wait. You're not under Cleo's spell
-like everyone else? -Um, I guess
she doesn't really know I exist, which was bumming me out.
-But now I see the benefits. -We've got to fix this.
Come on, Confucius.
-(TIRES SQUEALING) -(GROANS)
(BONES CRACKING)
All right, Cleo will never find us in the library,
because she doesn't know it exists.
I feel your pain, library. (SNIFFS) What's that smell?
-Um, books? -Weird.
Are they all on paper like that? Uh, fire hazard.
Focus, Confucius. We have to figure out
how to take down Cleo.
She won't stop until she destroys me.
Why does Cleo hate you so much? What did you do to her?
What? Me? I didn't do anything.
She has been a mean girl ever since we were kids.
It's actually just sad and basic.
Yeah, but isn't it kind of basic of you to call her basic?
Hey, I was frozen for 20 years. I just started using that word.
Let me enjoy it. Now, help me take that basic bitch down.
You're the clone of Confucius, think of something wise.
Oh, I'm not wise like my clone father.
But I will say, maybe it's time to disrupt the negativity cycle
with Cleo, we'll just kill her with kindness.
You're right. We should kill her.
Ah! Joan. I, er, uh, have been looking all over for you.
Thank God, I found you totally alone
in an empty library.
-Seriously? -JFK! Thank God, you're free.
Yeah, we're free to take you to our hella hot queen, Cleo.
No, I'm taking Joan to our hello hot queen, Cleo.
JFK! Abe! (SCREAMS) Stop! I'm trying to help you.
I won't let them take you.
-(TIRES SQUEAL) -Wow, they're strong.
And then she told me to pick a color for my toes,
and I was just like, "Uh, duh, as if."
I'm just doing a clear coat, you stupid manicurist.
You are the most beautiful
and fascinating person I've ever met.
-Tell us again. -Of course.
So anyway, I'd already picked this slammin' neutral.
We, er, uh, come bearing a gift, Your Majesty.
Well, if it isn't Joan of Barf.
I bet you hate me too, right? You're like, that guy sucks.
That gives me an idea.
Maybe you can sneak up on her and steal the crown.
You're basically invisible.
That's uh, extremely hurtful, but yeah, I'll try.
(HUMS) So Joan, any last words?
Uh, yes. Actually, yes. I have so many words.
Gosh, where to begin?
(INHALES) I guess I'll list them, alphabetically.
Um, aardvark. That's double A.
All right. Answer. Ask.
-Ass. -(GASPS)
(THUDS)
Eyes on me, Cleopatra. You don't have to do this.
No, no, you can be good and make better choices. Yes.
I always try to take the high road.
Well, technically you started the rumor about Cleo's lattes
that made everyone vote for you instead of her.
-What? -Now you hear him?
Grab the crown, Confucius.
-(GROANS) -You started that rumor?
-Ow! My ribs. -Why would people listen to you
with your poetry, and politics, and caring about stuff?
People never used to like that junk?
Well, they do now. Give me the crown.
You didn't want it. You don't get to have it back.
Especially after you started that pumpkin rumor
so people would throw pumpkins in my face.
(HESITATES) No, that's not how it happened at all.
(VOICE SHAKING) I'm a good person.
-No, you're not. -(GROANS) Little tight.
And now, you're gonna have to suffer as you watch
everyone around you turn into the thing
you hate the most. Me!
-No. Not Confucius. -Yes! I feel seen.
It's gonna be homecoming forever.
♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL BOOGIE" PLAYING) ♪
♪ Now hop to the left and stomp eight times ♪
No surprise. Cleo has some slammin' moves.
She's no poser when it comes to dancing, Cinnamon.
Looks like the robot has to rescue the exiled queen
in order to save the school. If I had a nickel.
♪ ("THE INSTRUCTIONAL BOOGIE" PLAYING IN DISTANCE) ♪
♪ Now, file your taxes It's almost April ♪
-♪ Keep those receipts ♪ -No.
♪ How many dependents? How many dependents? ♪
♪ Two dependents, two dependents Claim those dependents ♪
Joan, looks like you're a little tied up. (CHUCKLES)
-No time for jokes. -No. Don't help me.
I'm a horrible person. Confucius was right.
I've been just as bad to Cleo as she is to me.
I deserved my punishment of listening
to "The Instructional Boogie" on an endless loop.
(SIGHS) The irony is, I actually kind of like this song.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Admitting your truth is the first step.
It did feel kind of good to say it out loud.
Now, embrace it. Embrace your truth.
♪ Are you chained to a post? ♪
I am chained to a post.
♪ Just twist your wrist Till you shimmy on out ♪
Just twist my wrist till I shimmy on out.
Whoa! My truth is setting me free.
Now, maybe it can repair your relationship with Cleo.
You're right.
I have to bare my soul to her, no matter how scary that is.
Because with truth on my side, I can do anything. I can fly!
(GROANS)
You can't fly, but you have the power to change your story
with Cleo. (SCREAMS)
Don't look at me, I oiled myself.
-Just go to the dance. -Thanks, Mr. B.
♪ (SONG CONTINUES) ♪
♪ Now clap your hands Eleven minus six ♪
Joan, I banished you to the Football Field Realm.
Back to the grass with your flat ass. Get her!
You'll never get past
my choreographed attackers, Joanie.
You can't fight someone who is also getting down
to "The Instructional Boogie."
We can't stop her as she moving the same way as us.
But you hate "The Instructional Boogie."
Actually, I don't. It's kind of grown on me.
♪ Now hop three times And touch the ground ♪
♪ Now drive the car Drive the car ♪
♪ Now stop the car Stop the car ♪
♪ 'Cause you're at a store Now you're grabbing food ♪
♪ Now you go back home Now go back home ♪
♪ Now you heat Two tablespoons Canola oil ♪
♪ In a deep skillet Over medium heat ♪
♪ Add chicken breasts and cook ♪
♪ About 20 minutes Till the juice runs clear ♪
♪ Remove from the skillet ♪
♪ Now drain and cool Now drain and cool ♪
I think she's making chicken posole.
♪ (SONG STOPS) ♪
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Eat pumpkin spice latte!
I don't hate pumpkin spice lattes.
(GROANS)
And I don't hate homecoming.
And I don't hate you!
Ew. (GASPS)
Stop! That's my crown.
Well, I thought we could split!
-(CROWD GASPS) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-No. I need my butt implants. -No, you don't, Cleo.
People like you just the way you are.
-Kill Cleo. -You suck.
-STUDENT: You gave me bangs. -She does know I exist, though.
-(CROWD YELLING) -She made me wear a crop top.
No one should have to see my bare, long torso.
Hang on, hold on. This isn't all on Cleo.
I did the wrong thing when I told the lie
about the pumpkin spice lattes.
Those lattes were sourced ethically.
(ALL GASP)
Um, yeah, they totally were.
What I'm saying is, Cleo may have been
the ultimate mean girl, but I was the basic mean girl
who started it and I'm sorry.
Just like, I'm sure Cleo's sorry for everything that she did.
I am? (GROANS, GULPS) I'm like, really sorry
that I used the homecoming crown for evil instead of good,
since it's literally the most important thing to me.
Mm-hmm.
I hope you'll all consider voting for me next year.
-We will. -Everybody makes mistakes.
-Homecoming's weird. -STUDENT: Huh. We'll see.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(DOOR CLOSING)
Thanks for doing that.
All I did was tell the truth. And to be honest,
I'm really glad we aren't enemies anymore.
Oh, my God, Joan. Obsessed with me much?
Oh, I'm so glad to have you back, Joanie.
Oh, I missed your reasonably-sized boobies.
And I missed your unreasonably-sized booty.
-Is my hair freaking you out? -Don't call attention to it.
(GROANS) What happened? What year is it?
My God, look at this place.
The Board is not going to be happy.
You're gonna blame it all on me? What do I do? What do I do?
(SHUSHES) Listen.
♪ Just leave the scene Like it's not your problem ♪
♪ Then end the show With a real slow pull-back ♪
♪ End the show With a real slow pull-back ♪
♪ Roll the credits Roll the credits ♪
♪ See all the people Who are working in the program ♪
♪ Lots of people Lots of people ♪
♪ Lots of people Doing various jobs ♪
♪ Various jobs ♪
♪ Various jobs By lots of people ♪
♪ Lots of people Lots of people ♪
♪ Now end the song 'Cause it's stuck in your head ♪
♪ Stuck in your head ♪
♪ Maybe forever, maybe forever Maybe forever, maybe forever ♪
♪ Ever, ever, ever Ever, ever, ever ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪