ABE LINCOLN: Previously, on a very special Clone High.
While Joan was having a Psylly Legs attack,
JFK kissed Harriet behind her back.
Abe caught them in the act, but he didn't say jack,
even though he and Joan made a solid pact,
that Abe would never hide information like that.
So when Joan learned the facts, her heart turned black,
and Abe felt the impact.
But Joan and Abe still have lots to unpack.
In other news, I got a rhyming dictionary
and I love it.
STUDENTS: Spring Break! Spring Break!
Spring Break! Spring Break!
Confucius here, casting live from Spring Break.
-(AIR HORN BLOWS) -We are going to the wettest
and wildest place of all time.
-Arroyo Fest! -(ALL CHEER)
But due to flash flood warnings in effect,
participants may never enter the Arroyo.
-(ALARM BUZZING) -ALL: Boo!
But nothing bad happens on Spring Break.
-(AIR HORN BLOWS) -(ALL CHEER)
CONFUCIOUS: You all right there, Abe-opotamus?
Oh, I'm fine. Yeah, just, you know, lost my BFF.
Now, everyone knows that Spring Break
is all about their besties,
hanging out with their best bestie.
CONFUCIUS: Uh, looks like she found a new bestie, bro.
Shrimp, the ultimate bus food.
CONFUCIUS: And we're still moving.
Hey, the most popular girl in school, Frida!
You look excited.
Arroyo Fest is about to be popping, G!
My favorite artist of all time will be performing,
teenage pop sensation, Mila Brûlée!
Whoa, wait, you like Mila Brûlée?
But she's so mainstream.
I started listening to her ironically, like,
"This is how I would act if I liked this crappy music."
But now, I actually do like her crappy music.
Get over here, girl. Let's talk Brûlée!
-Mila Brûlée... -CONFUCIUS: Well I became
a third wheel real quick.
-Harriet! You stoked for A-Fest? -Heck, yes, I'm stoked.
Okay, backstory!
So there's this guy on Insta who has been commenting
on all my posts.
And he's gonna be at Arroyo Fest.
So if you're listening to this, @definitelyahotguy69,
just know. I will find you, my love! DM me.
CONFUCIUS: Lucky guy.
-Arroyo Fest! -(AIR HORN BLOWS)
(DOLPHIN CHATTERING)
-Hey, babe. -Yeah, babe?
You know, since Abe and I aren't talking anymore...
-(BLOWS NOSE, SOBS) -...would you like to go with me
to the Kara Walker exhibit next week?
Her work is just so deep.
Oh, I love deep things, like swimming pools
and your vagina.
Well, uh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
But I'd really like to get to know more about you,
like-- like the real JFK.
Like, who's your favorite artist?
(MUMBLES) I like the one that does the paintings
with the boobies.
Okay, you know, what? It's a start.
(ABE LINCOLN SOBBING)
Oh, snap. We're right by Arroyo Fest!
STUDENTS: Arroyo! Arroyo! Arroyo!
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -STUDENTS: Arroyo! Arroyo!
Arroyo! Arroyo! Arroyo!
CONFUCIUS: We're really doin' it, y'all!
(ALL SCREAM)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
TOPHER BUS: My bus shrimp!
♪ ("CLONE HIGH" THEME SONG BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
♪ Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪
♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It's time to watch ♪
♪ Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging ♪
♪ Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining ♪
♪ Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(STATIC) -(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(FIRE CRACKLING)
-(MR. BUTLERTRON SCREAMS) -No! My shrimp is sandy!
My phone! All the phones! They've been murdered!
Arroyo no go, go!
(SOBS, SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
Attention, clones,
it appears we are now stranded in the desert
with only a limited supply of water, first aid kits,
and Cool Ranch Doritos.
Mr. B and I will do the responsible thing
of finding help.
So we'll be taking all the supplies and leaving.
-(ALL GASP) -PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: And reminder,
never go into Arroyo's
because you can get swept away by flash floods, okay? Toodles!
Ugh, I'm gonna go work on my tan.
(SCREAMS) My head machine feels hot!
JFK, are you okay?
My brain is, er, uh, biggening.
Something is coming out of my ear!
-(CONFUCIUS GASPS) -Did JFK just pronounce an "R"?
He-- he did.
JFK, can you say "Kara Walker"?
Kara Walker. Kara Walker.
What the...
Out of the way, Confucius. I'll perform CPR.
As a woke straight male ally, let me put my lips
on this unconscious Black woman
to show how woke and straight I am.
Ugh!
(INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES)
-(SCREAMS) Shrimp breath! -(GROANS)
(GASPS) No, no, no! We crashed!
I'll never meet @definitelyahotguy69 now!
The drama!
Oh, and my ankle's twisted.
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Don't mind me,
-I'll just die here. -(GROANS, GRUNTS)
Does anyone have a Band-Aid?
(SNIFFS, SCREAMS)
Guys, don't worry. We'll get through this.
We just need to stick together.
No! We are not missing Mila Brûlée.
I've got a crazy idea. We've got legs, we can use them,
and go there, walking style.
Oh, can I come with?
The sight of Joan is a constant reminder
of how she wants me out of her sight.
-I feel for you, Aberino, but-- -(GASPS) Wait.
It would be much easier to see the stage at Arroyo Fest
if we had some shoulders to sit on.
Yo, stretch!
-You're in. -Really? Hot dog!
You guys aren't leaving, are you?
Because there are a lot
of desert cannibals out there in these parts.
Uh, I appreciate you looking out,
but it's only the desert.
(ALL GROWL)
Oh, there's no hope, Mr. B! I'm tired, I'm hungry,
-and I'm lost! -At least we can die together.
Shut up, Mr. B, you know I'd rather die alone!
-(GASPS) -(MR. BUTLERTRON GROANS)
Oh, my! Is that the Eiffel Tower?
Because it must be a mirage if it's right next to a building
that says "New York, New York"
with New York's famous roller coaster.
BOTH: Vegas!
-♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -MR. B: Wesley!
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(SIGHS, GASPS)
Oh, Joan, darling, perhaps we could use stones
to write "Help" in Morse code.
That's a great idea. We-- Wait, you thought of that?
With that "man who reads The New Yorker" accent?
Ah, I know what's occurring, my dear muse.
I come from a long line of block-headed men.
You see, my cranium is gigantic, allowing extra room for my brain
to knock around in. In the heat of the desert,
it expands like a popover,
which allows it to grow to its full potential
in my massive skull.
It's science and it checks out.
Ooh, that's some good articulation.
(MOANS)
How about this for articulation?
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -I want to support your goals
and connect with you emotionally
and intellectually, while humming to your favorite
21-hour-long Philip Glass track,
lo-fi haunted goat screams.
(BOTH IMITATE GOAT BLEAT)
Oh, I feel so supported. Hmm. Emotionally.
But we're still gonna have sex, right?
Hmm. Like jungle cats.
Now, let's write this Morse code together.
My dream man!
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Dot, dot, dot.
Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.
-(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING) -JFK, it worked!
It worked!
Great Morse code! (CHUCKLES) We're here to rescue you.
Is this your full party?
Not all of them.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
We're gonna swing back around in two hours,
and if your whole party isn't all here by then,
you're gonna have to find an alternative rescue chopper,
okay? Good luck. But seriously, great Morse code.
Wow. Hot genius, I think I know how we can contact the others.
What do you know about GPS?
I know as much about GPS as I do about the human condition,
-multitudes. -♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Let's get the fuck home.
SCUDWORTH: Ah! Las Vegas, where everything sparkles.
-Except for this alley. -♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
Mr. B, there's sure to be a telephone
on the other side of this door
that we can use to call for help.
(CROWD CHEERING)
-♪ (RAVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Thank you, Las Vegas! I'm out.
-Those are animals. Good luck. -(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
ATTENDEE 1: Play a song, you idiot!
-ATTENDEE 2: We need music! -ATTENDEE 3: Open your laptop
-and make a noise! -Excuse me, uh, party people,
does anyone have a telephone we could use?
(OVERLAPPING CLAMORS)
Mr. B, the crowd is turning on us.
-We have to get out of here. -Don't worry, I got this.
All this music follows a simple formula... Wesley.
♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ I like the way This party is currently going ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
Mr. B, we've done it. It's a hit!
Should we go save the clones now?
BOTH: Nah!
Even though everyone lost their phones,
so long as we can rewire the motherboard,
we can redirect the GPS signal to contact the smartwatch...
-(MOANS) -...that Frida always wears.
And that should give them time to return
-before the helicopter. -(PANTS)
-Speaking of flying. -Mm-hmm.
Have you ever seen the obscure Maya Darren film,
-Meshes of the Afternoon? -Mm-hmm. Well, of course I have!
Kiss me now!
My love, your lips taste like a fine chalice,
full of the sweetest, uh, wet stuff.
Wait, what was that?
(GRUNTS) A fine chalice of the sweetest nectar.
-Everything all right, darling? -Yeah, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Of course, it was nothing.
Oh, no.
-(EAGLE SCREECHING) -♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
It is so good not to be looking at Joan or thinking of Joan,
or talking about Joan.
I know this is hard to hear. But just stop being stubborn.
-And apologize. -Me? Apologize? To Joan?
Uh, she should be apologizing to me
for having to keep that secret.
Guys, it's so hot.
Let's just take cover in that old, abandoned Miata.
Hey, if you all need to take a break. Sure. Why not?
-(SOBS) -Psst, Frida.
(ABE SOBS)
It just made me think about her in a way
that I didn't think about her before.
You know, I feel so hopeless.
For a long time, I... (WHIMPERS)
(SOBS)
(SNIFFLES) Hello? Cleo? Frida?
How long was I crying?
Frida?
-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS) -(GRUNTS) Oh, there you are.
-Don't go that way! -(ALL GROWL)
-(SCREAMS) -(DESERT CANNIBALS GROWL)
(BOTH GROAN)
JOAN OF ARC: That's it.
We did it. We can send a signal!
(JFK GROANS, MOANS)
We have to contact Frida now. Send it, JFK!
-JFK: Triangulating. -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SMARTWATCH CHIMES) -(ABE PANTS)
-(FRIDA KAHLO SCREAMS) -(GROWLS)
(ALL GASP)
(DESERT CANNIBAL GROWLING)
Perhaps they're in a spot with bad reception.
Don't worry, love. We'll try again in ten minutes.
Could I just, maybe, borrow that for a second?
I wanna let @definitelyahotguy69 know why I'm late.
(SIGHS) It's like I could slide down his body
-and just keep going. -That's clearly photoshopped.
Harriet, darling... (CHUCKLES) ...you're being catfished.
No, no, no. That can't be.
Uh, sure, he always cancels our meetups last minute
and his camera never works when we FaceTime. Oh, fuck me!
I'm too smart to be catfished.
Harriet, it's always the trailblazers
who blaze past the red flags.
So comforting, Joan. Thank you. (SIGHS, GROANS)
-(SOBS) -Come on, Harriet.
I said thank you! Oh. (GROANS)
You got signal? I have this weird thing
where if I don't check my social meeds,
I kinda break down... (CHUCKLES)
-...and spiral into darkness. -♪ (FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CHUCKLES)
Hmm. I hear you, Confucius.
And we do have eight more minutes, so, uh,
let's keep talking about your feelings.
Oh, please, yes!
There, there. Tears are truth's elixir.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(MOANS)
-♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ I like the way This party is currently going ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
Here's a new concoction, straight from my lab!
MR. BUTLERTRON: I am a real boy!
Who's getting on this hog tonight?
(SCATS)
♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I don't know, Mr. B, it's all the same to me now.
I need something new to stick up my nose.
Maybe money can solve our problems.
Ooh, let's snort that.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, yeah.
This is some good shit.
-♪ (RAVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -BOTH: More!
Oh, yeah!
-Yeah! -(SCREAMS)
-(SCUDWORTH SNORTS) -(MEOWS)
BOTH: This is Vegas, baby!
...and when my rich parents jet set around the world,
there's always one thing they forget to pack...
-♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -...me.
(WHIMPERS)
Well, this has been a very productive session.
-Now, Joan, it's time. -Send it, JFK!
(ALL GROWL)
This should hold until they get tired
and fall asleep. Uh, zombies sleep, right?
-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMS, PANTS)
Don't worry, maybe we can try a-- (GROANS)
Oh, sorry. (GROANS)
Interesting, that raincloud passed through the sunlight.
Meaning the temperature must've momentarily dropped,
causing my brain to freeze up again.
-Oh, damn! -It's gonna be okay.
We'll stay in the sun forever.
My darling, the earth's rotation--
I know how the Earth works. We'll be okay.
We'll be much better than okay.
My brain will concoct-- I said cocked! (LAUGHS)
What? (GASPS) The sun!
No, no! Oh, this is worse than I thought.
Okay, we've gotta keep JFK warm.
Not lukewarm like the fries at In-N-Out.
I'm talking warm warm.
You mean hot?
Yes! Sacagawea. Hot!
Now, who's with me? You better be with me!
You help me save my hot, intelligent,
and emotionally available boyfriend now!
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(PANTS)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GROAN)
(DESERT CANNIBALS GROWL)
-(BOTH PANT) -Okay, you two get outta here.
I got enough meat to keep them occupied
for a while. Now when you find the others,
tell Joan I died the way I lived, protecting my friends
-and never apologizing for it. -We're all getting out of this.
We gotta climb.
-(ALL GROWL) -ABE: Climb, climb.
What do we climb? Uh, I mean, right.
Okay, that tickles. Oh! That's not a step.
-(ALL GROWL) -(SCREAMS)
Who touched my butt?
Where can we take JFK that's hot?
We gotta keep his head warm and his IQ up.
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
CONFUCIUS: Huh! The sun's actually making her paler.
There! We have to go in the Arroyo!
Isn't that where we're not supposed to go?
I don't care! I already lost one male best friend.
I am not losing another.
I've got to save this JFK!
-Warm him up. -GENGHIS KHAN: I'll do my thing.
-(FARTS) -(CHUCKLES) Butt.
It's not working. We need more butts.
-(PANTS) -Come on, Harriet!
JFK needs our butts to sit on his face to keep it warm.
No! Leave me.
I would rather freeze to death
than stay alive as a fool who thought she found love.
Wait, what?
@definitelyahotguy69 was a lie.
If I'm dumb enough to be catfished,
I won't ever find love or make it big.
Oh, my God, there's nothing to live for!
I hear you. But there's plenty to live for,
like all those sunsets you love.
Or those high angle pics of pies.
Oh, and what about those squirrel memes
you posts on 'Squirrel Saturdays'?
They're so good.
Especially with that caption you always use, it’s like,
BOTH: "I'm a nut for nuts."
-(CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES) It kills me!
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
How would he know all that?
Unless, @definitelyahotguy69 is--
JOAN: Hey! I need butts over here!
Big ones, regular ones,
-warm butts, now! -We gotta go, Harriet!
♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Yeah!
-Wow! -Wow!
(MR. BUTLERTRON STUTTERS)
-Ooh! -Huh?
-(BREATHES HEAVILY) -(MR. BUTLERTRON SCREAMS)
Oh! Ow! Ow!
(SCREAMS)
(SCUDWORTH GRUNTS)
(BOTH GROAN)
-(EAGLE SCREECHING) -(GROANS)
Where-- where am I?
(WOLVES HOWLING)
Wait a minute! We never went to Vegas.
-It was a mirage after all. -(BOTH LAUGH)
We must have passed out due to heat exhaustion, Wesley.
I'm sorry for snorting you up.
-Me, too. -Look at us,
dying in the desert like a couple of goofs.
I can leave if you still prefer dying alone.
Yes, thank you, Mr. B. But in a minute.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(SIGHS)
JOAN: All right, Genghis, I think that's enough.
Come on, smart JFK, stay with me.
I have one final wish.
It's clear you're meant to be
with someone who's more than a consensual
sexual intercourse partner,
someone you can both be in bed with
and be in mental bed with.
For I will never break up with you.
Alas, you must break up with me.
No, I can't! I won't lose you!
There's one last thing I must say.
What is it, JFK?
You must sit on my face!
-(ALL LAUGH) -(LAUGHS) Sex joke.
-You guys hear that? (LAUGHS) -(ALL LAUGH)
I know, funny, right, Joan? What?
Oh, babe? Are your, er, uh, eyes peeing?
Hmm?
-(GIGGLES, GROWLS) -(THUNDER RUMBLING)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -No, it's raining.
That will cause a flash flood,
and we're in the Arroyo. That is exactly what not to do.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
-(ALL GROWL) -(SCREAMS) No! Don't eat me!
Don't eat me! Wait a minute.
You aren't cannibalistic zombies?
You're just drunk, old, leathery people
in loose vacation wear?
Hey, we're not old. We're 31, we just love the sun.
Well, you look older, like, uh, 43.
And we're not people, we're divorcees.
You see, we broke up with our partners
and best friends who are all stubborn
and wanted us to apologize.
We left them to roam the desert, where we eat chips and guac,
and drink sneaky margs at art galleries.
Got this for only 7,000 dollars.
But why were you chasing us?
We just wanted to invite you to our art show.
-The theme is turquoise. -♪ (HARP CORDS PLAYING) ♪
Maybe it is better to apologize to your best friend,
even though you know you're right.
(BOTH SIGH)
I need to get to Arroyo Fest right now.
Arroyo Fest? Why didn't you say that?
All Arroyos lead to the Fest.
Oh, just catch the 5:47 flash flood.
Should be coming in soon.
DESERT PERSON: Bye-bye.
(BOTH GRUNT)
(ALL CHEER)
-Arroyo Fest! -Finally!
-(CROWD CHEERING) -I'm gonna debut my cover
of the hottest song on the charts right now.
The songwriters are currently missing.
This goes out to them.
ATTENDEE: We love you, Mila!
♪ I like the way The party is currently going ♪
(ALL SCREAM)
Sorry, ladies, got a little case of the accordion legs.
It's all grizzy. Cleo and I got this.
Oh, my God. It's been, like, a few hours.
I've probably got so many messages.
-(KEYPAD CLICKING) -(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
Oh, your boy is back, baby!
♪ ("HIGH HOPES" BY AMBER RYANN PLAYING) ♪
Hey, Joan.
I'm sorry, I didn't tell you about JFK and Harriet earlier.
As your best friend, I should have known better.
And hopefully, one day, we can become friends again.
But until then, I bid you adieu.
Wow, that's really emotionally intelligent.
You can learn a lot from divorcees.
Hey, Abe, you wanna be friends again?
I would love nothing more. And I have so much
-I want to tell-- -Hey, is your whole party here?
Yes, my whole party is here. God, she's such a bitch.
Well, what are we waiting for then?
Let's get you folks home.
(ALL CHEER)
Hey! Let's join the Mile High Club, hey?
(CHUCKLES) Maybe I can copter a feel of your breasts.
-Whoa! (CHUCKLES) Still got it! -Sure thing, babe. Sure thing.
MILA BRÛLÉE: ♪ I like the way The party is currently going ♪
♪ I like the way the party Is currently going ♪
♪ Is currently going ♪
♪ I like the way ♪
♪ This party Is currently going ♪
♪ Is currently going ♪
♪ I like the way ♪
♪ This party Is currently going ♪
♪ I like the way This party is currently going ♪
♪ I like the way I like the way it ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪