-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -ABE LINCOLN: Previously on a very special Clone High.
Spring Break sprung a leak in Joan and JFK's relationship.
While Joan and Abe's friendship sprung back to life.
Harriet figured out Confucius was her secret admirer.
But Confucius doesn't know that she knows.
Will he find out that she knows?
Will she find out that he knows that she knows?
You'll know soon.
But will they know that you know
that they either know or don't know?
-Now, we're getting somewhere. -(SCHOOL BUS THUDDING)
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
We are gathered here today
to say a heartbreaking farewell to the most famous teen couple
since Juliet and that guy she ghosted, Romeo.
Goodbye, JoanFK.
Or as we will be known from now on, Joan and JFK.
(CRIES) Why?
We sure have a lot of funerals.
We were gonna go to Canada together!
I was gonna say there's something
-I wanna "poutine" your pants! -(CRIES)
-CRIES) -Thank you, JFK.
Despite our breakup,
JFK and I will continue to be dedicated co-parents
-to our beloved tortoise, Shell Silverstein. -(MUNCHES)
As you know, Shell has been with us
through the most pivotal moments of this semester.
It's not your fault, little man. Your parents love you very much.
Just not enough to stay together.
-(MUNCHES, CRIES) -♪ (SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪
Another woman free from the patriarchal shackles
-of misogynistic courting rituals. -(JFK CRIES)
Yeah, and Joan is single. And I'm single.
And there's potential to mingle and possibly tingle.
Wait, you like Joan?
Yeah, it's been a secret I practically never talk about
to everyone within earshot.
-RIP, JoanFK. -(CRIES)
No! They need to see this! (CRIES)
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -It's becoming clearer
which clones have the potential we need to be world leaders.
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC FADES) ♪ -JAXXON: Harriet's made a late break on the inside,
but unfortunately, Confucius is not as wise as we assumed.
That means Joan and JFK hold the top two positions.
Those aren't the only positions those two are holding.
-What are you talking about? -Joan and JFK are dating!
We might have a power couple on our hands.
This is extremely good news!
Maybe there's space for the two of you on this board after all.
-Wonderful! -Could be another power couple
-brewing right here. (CHUCKLES) -Ugh!
Now, what are we ordering for lunch?
Somebody fetch me the menu binder!
Skipper, we are not doing poke again.
Then I don't want to eat.
Oh, dear. Joan and JFK broke up.
What? No! You heard the Board. They love JoanFK as a couple!
There has to be some way to get them back together!
-Mr. B, think of a plan! -Uh!
Well, my friends in Texas told me
that teaching sexual education causes teens to have more sex.
We use sex ed to encourage them
to have sex and get back together!
Don't act like it was your idea, Mr. B.
See, this is why people have trouble with robots.
It's settled. Let us implement mandatory sexual education!
I'll do you one better, Candide. Saxual education! (VOCALIZES)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
We're almost done sexifying every room,
-so no matter where Joan and JFK are... -(CLATTERING)
...they won't be able to resist getting back together.
And with my saxophone skills,
how could anyone not be in the mood for love?
♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪
'Kay, I'm a little rusty.
♪ (OFF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYING) ♪
(GAGS) Ah, shit!
♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And meet our new sex-ed teacher,
-Miss Diane Grumbles. -♪ (SAXOPHONE MUSIC STOPS) ♪
I will be teaching Sexual Education 1-0-1.
(CHUCKLES) Wink.
Meow! She could inspire anyone to get in the mood.
Scudworth! The halls are full of seamen.
We're here with the oysters for the students' lunches.
Where do you want us seamen dropping our load?
Well, for starters, my mouth! (CHUCKLES)
Apologies.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) -♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(JFK CRYING)
JFK, I know you're sad about your breakup,
but I need your advice.
We've been texting for weeks, but Harriet has no idea
that I'm @definitelyahotguy69.
What if she's totally bummed when she finds out it's me?
I can't wait until Confucius tells me the truth,
so we can turn our internet love into reality-TV-level love.
You know, love that lasts.
-(CRIES) -(SCREAMS)
Harriet texted @definitelyahotguy69.
She wants to meet IRL! What do I do?
I don't know who IRL is, but you gotta reveal yourself
to Harriet before that IRL guy steals her! (CRIES)
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪ -So what you're saying is,
I need to do an over-the-top elaborate introduction
that will totally blow her away. I love it!
Yeah, how long should I wait
to tell Joan how I feel about her
while also giving her time to recover from her breakup?
Ten minutes? No, that's way too short.
Twelve minutes?
As the son of a mother, I know about women.
And I think you should give Joan more space.
Man, neither one of you know how to talk to women.
Y'all just need to be chill.
-Hey! -(GASPS)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ -I had so much fun with you at Arroyo Fest.
And I don't usually like fun.
-Also me. Farroyo Mest. Uh... -What?
What am I saying? I'm, like, "What?" (CHUCKLES)
I've never seen you nervous before. (GASPS)
(SING-SONG) You like Cleo. Neener, neener, neener.
(SHUSHES) No, I don't!
I don't think she's into me like that.
And I'm not nervous, I'm super chill,
-like always. (GRUNTS) -(CLATTERING)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -So, there's this hot, new French movie...
about these two 18th century countesses,
but their love was forbidden.
Maybe we could go see it or whatever?
(GULPS) Uh.
-I-- I-- I'm allergic to movies. Okay, bye. -♪ (MUSIC RISES, FADES) ♪
-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) -(BRICK WALLS SMASHING)
-(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) -SEAMEN: ♪ We are the seamen ♪
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Hey, you, John Fitzgerald,
I need to grab some of my stuff from your locker.
Of course. Here, let me see.
You wore these when we went to Makeout Cove!
Named for Ron Makeout, inventor of the 169,
the threesome where one guy just stands there.
Of course, it's just sex-related stuff.
I'm also here for Shell. It's my day to watch him.
-I'm sure you could use a break. -♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪
What's that supposed to mean?
Are you saying I'm not a good parent?
No. We just agreed
that I'd take him to third period, remember?
Biology? You're going to expose him to that?
-What kind of mother are you? -Um, okay. Look,
I know you're still hurting and still processing everything.
We'd both be better off if we never saw you again!
Well, too bad because Shell belongs to both of us!
There is no "us" anymore!
So, if I have to lose you then you have to lose Shell!
I'll see you in court!
No, I'll see you in court! I'm getting custody of our son!
(JFK CRIES)
Hmm.
CONFUCIUS: Remember, cue the finale
when I get to the bottom of the stairs. Music!
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BEEPS) -Huh? (GASPS)
CONFUCIUS: ♪ Why do b-- ♪ (SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS) -(BIRDS CHIRP)
-(CHIRPS) -(HAWK SCREECHES)
CONFUCIUS: (SOBBING) God, I ruined it. I'm sorry.
Don't take the tuba off. You don't need to know who I am.
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Confucius, you don't need to try so hard.
I knew you were @definitelyahotguy69 all along.
And I still like you.
CONFUCIUS: You do? You're not let down?
Even after I just super beefed it?
-(CLATTERING) -I'm the opposite of let down,
and I want to shout it from the rooftops!
We're a couple!
Yes! Let's announce in the most romantic way
that teens know how.
BOTH: An unsupervised house party,
announcing our relationship to the whole school!
Jinx. You owe me a kiss.
-(BOTH SMOOCH) -♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(CHALK SQUEAKING) -Lesson number one.
As everyone knows, when you have sex with someone,
you are having sex with everyone they've ever had sex with.
Isn't that hot?
For our next exercise,
we're gonna put the fake sperm into the fake egg.
You'll be partnered up, just like in sex.
♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'll come up with pairs. The first one is Joan and JFK.
-Absolutely not. -I refuse.
The rest of you, figure it out.
So, what do ya say, Frida? Do you wanna be my partner?
I-- I already have one! My backpack! Hi, partner!
♪ (SENSUAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Where's your partner, Abe Lincoln?
When everyone made eye contact to pick partners,
I was busy looking at the face in the ceiling, Miss Grumbles.
(CACKLES)
-Call me Diane. -♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-You know... -Uh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
...Lincoln was my favorite president. (CHUCKLES)
-Mine too, Diane! -Blood wasn't the only thing
original Abe Lincoln liked to spray around the cheap seats.
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) -♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-How about you stay after class? -Oh, shoot, Diane.
Thanks for having my best interests at heart
but it's time to tell the girl I always loved that I love her!
Why love a girl when you can love a woman
who invented the missionary position?
-Oh, you. What a character! -TOPHER BUS: Hmm.
-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(SIGHS) She's perfect.
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -Wait! You can't tell Joan how you feel
if you're a virgin and she's not.
But I-- Isn't virginity a social construct?
Ya know, like brunch?
Look, Joan has had a lot of sex with JFK
and he's had a lot of sex with everybody,
so he's really good at sex.
Compared to him, you'll be terrible.
Oh, jeez, you're right.
Okay, but even if I wanted to get some sexual experience,
who would I lose my precious virginity to?
Who's had more sex than JFK?
-Abe! Yoo-hoo! -♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
-(COUGHING) -Miss Grumbles is perfect!
I heard she had sex with Billy Bob Thornton,
who had sex with Angelina Jolie, who had sex with Colin Farrell!
Don't you wanna be able to have sex like Colin Farrell?
-Who wouldn't? -♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
I don't know. She's got a lot of experience.
-I-- I gotta think about it. -Excuse me, young sir.
We gotta get these here oysters into the cafeteria
and if you don't let us by, we'll find a way.
We're the seamen.
♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING, FADES) ♪
You're being unreasonable! I'm Shell's mother.
Well, I'm his father! And I brought counsel.
-The head of the debate team. -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-I second that emotion! -I also brought counsel.
The other head of the debate team.
Oh, we're coming for everything you got.
-(ALL GRUNT) -♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
A little saxophone
-to stimulate the pheromones? -♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
Time to address the elephant in the room.
You don't even know what you're talking about!
-He's a turtle! -He's a tortoise!
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -What kind of father wouldn't know that?
Joan wants full custody. JFK is not a suitable parent.
-He's emotionally volatile-- -You take that back!
I'm extremely calm, you dumb do-dos!
You're not gonna win this, Sacagawea!
-I was a debate captain. -Twenty years ago!
Your debate skills are like you. Freezer burned.
-Ouch. -♪ (MUSIC STOPS, SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪
But wow. Your clone mother may have been a guide,
but I'm lost... in your eyes.
-♪ (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) ♪ -And your clone father
may have been a peanut scientist...
(INHALES) ...but I want to have sex with you. (SMOOCHES)
-Ugh! -Hmm, that gives me an idea.
-Maybe you and I could also-- -Are you out of your mind?
I'm taking Shell. We're done!
♪ (SAXOPHONE STOPS PLAYING) ♪
(SCREAMS) I'm aflame! Quick! Pat me with those couch cushions
we illegally took the tags off of.
I assume they're not... (SCREAMS) ...flammable!
-(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) -Rager tonight! My house!
-♪ (MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -No parents! Totally unsupervised!
Confucius and I are a couple! He's my boyfriend!
And she's my girlfriend! We're a thing!
Yo! Come destroy my parents' delicate home
filled with priceless antiques, everybody!
Who has a rager on a Thursday?
I have no desire to destroy priceless antiques. Hard pass.
-Harder pass! (SPITS) -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SHELL SILVERSTEIN COOS) -Oh, there, buddy!
He doesn't know he can't swim.
A lot of us try to do things we don't know how to do.
It's how we learn to do them.
I wish someone could teach me
how to handle this breakup with JFK.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, just know, you can do hard things.
Because even though you're soft and oogly on the inside,
you're strong and hard on the outside.
Like Shell, your foster son, who you have proven
that you have loved for many weeks now.
Thanks for saying that, Abe.
Well, maybe tonight, you and I can--
-Oh, crap, he's drowning. -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
(GASPS)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(COUGHS) -I know what I have to do now.
You doing what you don't wanna do is inspiring me
to do who I don't want to do...
-(COUGHS) -...but I have to do.
-For what I want. -(COUGHS)
-Aw. -♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(GROANS, GASPS) -(MUNCHES)
Huh?
JOAN OF ARC: Our tortoise son needs his father.
Raise him well.
We won, buddy boy! We did it! (LAUGHS)
Now, I can tell Abe how I really feel.
I have to do this for Joan.
-So do I. -(PHONE BEEPS)
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Well, hello, Mr. President.
Hi, Miss Grumbles. (GULPS)
I'm pretty nervous.
Let me put on some modern music to help the mood.
-♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER GRAMOPHONE) ♪ -Wink.
It's okay for a teacher and a minor to be together
-if it's love. -Uh...
But we have to keep this a secret
or we'll both go to jail.
That's the law, don't bother to look it up.
I don't wanna go to jail.
I'm a winter, so orange is a no for me.
Oh, let me slip something off to feel more comfortable.
(SLURPS)
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(GROANS)
(SLURPS, SMOOCHES)
I can feel all of your previous sexual partners
offering me their carnal knowledge.
Oh, it's more than I was expecting!
(GRUNTS) So many, it's too many! I'm sorry but I can't do this.
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪ -Thank you for the opportunity but I-- I must decline.
-Uh, Miss Grumbles? -(SQUEAKS)
(BURPS) Excuse me.
Miss Grumbles, I have the cucumbers
you asked for. Ah shit!
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(SLURPS) -(SLURPS)
I love eating oysters.
Did you know that they're an aphrodisiac?
Uh. Yeah. I-- I didn't know you liked oyster eating too.
It's crazy. I used to think we were complete opposites.
I see now that we have so much in common.
Most people are so annoying.
-But you? I don't know. -(GULPS)
-You just seem different. -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES) ♪
You're different! I go do karate now!
Hey, you and Cleo want to come to our party?
I go do karate now! (GRUNTS)
If no one comes to our party, are we even a couple?
Uh. Maybe she'll take a flyer after karate.
Don't you get it? There is no karate! (GROANS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS) Both sexual and saxual education were a bust!
Joan and JFK are showing
-no signs of getting back together! -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FADES) ♪
Also, the "statutory-rape-
death-by-orgasm" situation is very troubling.
-(GASPS) -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS, FADES) ♪
I'll take care of it.
Attention clones, especially Joan and JFK.
Do not go to Confucius and Harriet's party and hook up.
But we do want them to hook up!
An authority figure telling me not to do something?
Now, I have to do it!
ALL: Party horny! Party horny!
Uh, yeah. I guess that worked.
The trap is set. Now, the fun begins.
So, we're not telling the police.
♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
MR. BUTLERTRON: I like the way this party is currently going!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Babe, our party's a hit!
Everyone here is shipping us so hard right now.
I can't believe every bedroom's already in use.
I'm so proud of us.
-Joan. (GRUNTS) -(SMOOCHING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS) Let's talk Grumbles.
Sorry, I can't hide my feelings from Joan.
I may not have the sexual experience
because Miss Grumbles died
before we even got past first base,
but I have the sexual heart.
I don't care if I'm a virgin, I'm gonna tell her how I feel!
Not so fast. I wouldn't do that,
unless you want me to show her this!
Oops. Sorry, monitoring that one for weird edges.
Nope. Nope. Yup!
(GASPS) Why are you blackmailing me?
Ah! You can't say blackmailing! I'm-- I'm White leveraging.
-Because my true crush is Joan. -What?
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -I can't fight my attraction to a White woman.
And if you even think about putting those
gangly fingers of yours anywhere near her,
I'll show her this!
Wrong one, again! I do a lot of White leveraging.
JOAN: Abe?
Can we talk?
This break up with JFK has really made me think
about what's important in life.
And you're right up at the top of the list.
-Grumbles. -Is there any chance
you'd maybe want to hang out sometime, just us?
Uh... No! I'm sorry but no.
There are reasons but I can't explain them!
-I must be vague! -♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-♪ (MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Oh, sorry, bish. I'm taking up the whole-ass balcony.
How do you not want this?
♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(IN FRENCH)
(SMOOCHES)
-(BICYCLE BELL DINGS) -♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC FADES) ♪
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -♪ ("EVERYTHING ABOUT ME" PLAYING) ♪
JFK, you're an amazing turtle dad.
Tortoise dad. I'm a tortoise dad.
-(SNIFFLES) -♪ Nowadays, people say We're good together ♪
♪ I smile Say I'm happy that I met her ♪
♪ Why's it feeling like It's taking so much effort? ♪
♪ And why is nothing that I do Making it better? ♪
♪ I've been tryna put The two of us behind me ♪
-(MUFFLED SCREAM) -♪ Every time she says I want you ♪
♪ It reminds me ♪
♪ Of how you showed up In the middle of the night, we ♪
♪ Spent forever talkin' about What we might be ♪
-♪ (SONG FADES) ♪ -(MUFFLED) JFK?
Joan, I realized Shell's needs are more important than mine
-and he needs you. -Wow. You've really grown.
You know what else has grown? My big throbbing...
-Um... -...heart.
Sorry, the breakup got so ugly.
I felt like I was just hurting, but we both were.
-Wanna share custody? -(CLICKS TONGUE) Aw, JFK.
-♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(SMOOCHES)
(GASPS)
(MOANS) Oh, Joan. Oh, I knew we weren't over.
Oh, no, JFK. I-- I'm still attracted to you, of course,
but I-- I think, maybe, we're meant for other people.
♪ (MUSIC DECRESCENDOS) ♪
-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Oh, I think it's best for both of us
if I go have meaningless sex with the Brontë sisters.
But it will bring me no joy.
Well, fleeting joy, three separate times.
But that's it. Fare thee well, Joan.
Fare thee well.
♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪
-♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(GRUNTS)
Ah! Go for it.
-(SMOOCHES) -(SCREECHES)
-♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ -(GASPS)
-(SCREECHES) -(GROANS)
-♪ (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -What are we going to do, Candide?
Joan and JFK are officially done-zo.
(GROANS) Stupid saxophone!
Your perverted plan was never gonna work
-in the first place. -My plan?
-I did-- (GROANS) -I'll just tell the Board
you blew it again, Scudworthless.
My knee is broken! I can see bone!
You should really get more calcium.
Party's over. Hose ‘em down!
(ALL SCREAM)
♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
-Wet T-shirt contest! -(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC VERSION OF THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC FADES) ♪