-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -ABE LINCOLN: Tonight on a very special Clone High.
It’s the last day of school and every relationship
will be put to the ultimate test.
Will Harriet and Confucius survive?
What about Cleo and Frida?
Will Abe finally bare his soul to Joan,
or will Topher's blackmail-- I mean White leverage
keep him silenced forever?
Prepare for some answers, people, because this is
a season finale episode.
And you’re gettin’ the good stuff.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980’s ♪
♪ Secret government employees ♪
♪ Dug up Famous guys and ladies ♪
♪ And made Amusing genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They’re not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It’s time to watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I finally have lots of friends to sign my yearbook
and fill it with really intimate and important messages,
like "never change" and "keep in touch."
Now, who wants to go first?
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Mm. Nobody? Really? Abe?
Absolutely! Can I get a whole page?
I just want to tell you everything that’s in my heart--
Uh-uh-uh. Grumbles?
Uh... I’m busy!
-(MONKEY SCREECHING) -WOMAN: My monkey!
JANITOR: I’ll sign your yearbook.
You’re a lone wolf, just like me.
-JOAN OF ARC: I’m not a-- -(HOWLS)
Lone wolf.
-(MIC SCREECHING) -Sit down you hormonal turds.
Here we are, the last day of the school year.
I’m sure many of you are wondering what’s next?
Well, let us tell you about a magical place
where people sleep four to a room
-and have cereal for every meal. -(CLONES GASP)
What is this magical place?
CANDIDE SAMPSON: ♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ I’m talkin' about college Clone High College ♪
♪ Eating bricks of ramen noodles And staying up late ♪
-♪ Walking in on your roommate ♪ -(SCREAMS)
-♪ Trying to-- ♪ -Calculate! I’m doing homework!
♪ Drinking Jägerbombs Wearing shoes in the shower ♪
♪ Convenience store burritos ♪
-♪ Then puking for an hour ♪ -(RETCHING)
♪ But you have to get in ♪
♪ Knock, knock, who’s there? ♪
♪ College, maybe ♪
BOTH: ♪ You can go to Clone High ♪
-♪ University ♪ -♪ University ♪
(HOLDS NOTE)
Where do I pick up my check, darling?
Get out of here, Ethel Merman.
-(CHEERING, APPLAUDING) -Oh, I can’t wait for college!
College sounds like a place where nothing can go wrong!
Not so fast! Only those who pass the entrance exam
shall gain admittance to college,
because college is like a hot night club,
only the finest people get in.
Your test will commence after lunch.
Prepare yourselves!
Sorry. My jazz hands were jazzier in rehearsal.
No one noticed.
They were looking at my jazz hands
which are inherently more jazzy on account of my arthritis.
Come on, these fingers are always the jazziest.
Now, we need to talk.
Why? Am I getting a promotion for organizing this whole
college entrance exam?
CANDIDE: No. I got you a present.
A present?
But these are just my personal belongings
hastily tossed into a cardboard box.
CANDIDE: It brings me no joy to say this, but...
you’re fired!
You are outta here, sucker!
Who has a job? Not you!
-(CRYING HYSTERICALLY) -♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
There, there, sweet principal. It’s not that big of a deal.
-You’re fired, too, Mr. B. -Fuck you! Wesley!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
HARRIET TUBMAN: Aren’t you nervous about the test?
Nah. If I don’t get into college,
I’ll probably just stay home and be rich. I’m good.
But don’t you want to do something more with your life?
Like run a company, or a country?
-Oh, I have people to do that. -You sit your ass down
and take this goddamned test, so we can go to college
and preserve this wonderful, healthy relationship!
Hey, besties! I’m so excited about college,
but what if it comes between us?
We will always be together. We’re the four amigas, remember?
Huh. I don’t remember that being established,
but it does make me feel better.
Nothing can come between the four amigas,
except maybe distance, time, or like a Hunger Games,
or Squid Games type situation.
Yeah! The four amigas will be living our best lives
in the big city! Speaking of which,
where is Clone High College? The brochure is super vague.
It says West Dakota?
All right! Take out your number two pencils,
open your booklets to page one, and begin.
(CLOCK TICKING)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-What in the-- (GASPS) -Good luck. You’ll need it.
-(INDISTINCT MURMURING) -(SCREAMS)
♪ (HUMS "CLONE HIGH THEME SONG") ♪
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
-(PANTS) -(COUGHS)
Joan, are you okay?
-MICHAEL BOLTON: Hey there! -Huh?
It’s legendary singer, songwriter, Michael Bolton!
We’re gonna have some fun, sing some songs,
and probably a lot of people are gonna die.
♪ But we won’t focus on that ♪
Anywho.
-♪ Welcome to the death maze! ♪ -CLONES: What?
How did he make that sound sexy?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
Did you see? They kept me on the e-vite list
for the death maze watch party!
-This is my event! -(GLASS SHATTERING)
I put the whole thing together, and this e-vite is an e-sult
-to injury! -What if we were to show up
with our heads held high, in killer outfits?
You’re right. We could wear outfits that kill Candide.
You know, it has like poison or knives in it or something.
And it’s high waisted.
-♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪ -JOAN: Hi, excuse me, Michael.
When you say "death maze," it makes me wonder,
what happens if you don’t make it through the maze?
Here’s the deal.
You have one hour to traverse the terrifying obstacles
of the death maze.
Those of you who reach the end of the maze and hit the buzzer
will be admitted to Clone High College!
Those who don’t, well,
hey, you’ll be saving a ton of money on college.
-(DRUM RIM SHOT) -Your time starts...
♪ Now ♪
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CLONES SCREAM, GASP)
-(SCREAMS) -(SCREAMS)
(PANTS)
-(GROANS) -Death maze!
The aforementioned amigas, assemble! We have to move fast!
Confucius, hurry up! The door’s closing!
I gotta tie these babies on tight. I’m not a good runner.
I only do rich people sports, most of them are on horses.
-(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) -Oop. Oh, no. Gotta start over.
Harriet!
Confucius! You need to be more of a go-getter, okay?
-You have to want this, too! -Eh. If I miss it, I miss it.
Now, what comes after bunny ears?
That’s it! I’m breaking up with you! I’m sorry!
Wait, what? Harriet!
Come with me if you want to get to college.
And by college I mean, non-stop consensual sex in twin beds.
(GRUNTS)
Ugh! Brontë sisters! No!
I’ve made a Jane Error!
(ALL SIGH)
That’s the kind of wordplay they would have loved.
Harr, you okay? I saw you left Confucius behind.
Bold move. I could never do that to Cle-Cle.
I made a choice and I’m good with it.
-I’m so good! I am so good! -Guys, hold up.
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(EAGLE SCREECHING)
Um. What’s that?
JOAN: Ooh! Okay, this must be our first obstacle!
FRIDA KAHLO: "A, B, C, D." What does that spell?
-It looks like a Scantron test. -SCANGRADE: Correction!
Scan-grade. The magnificent!
I mean, of all the characters to bring back...
Answer this question.
What is the basis of all strong female friendships?
A, gossip. B, support. C, love.
D, a pair of jeans that travels from person to person.
Duh. It’s a trick question.
There’s no such thing as strong female friendships.
I mean, except for us. The four amigas. Whatever.
Choose C! The answer’s always C!
-(BUZZER BUZZING) -(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAM)
(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)
MICHAEL: We have our first fallen clone!
♪ You got death mazed ♪
(ALL CHEER, LAUGH)
Hello, everyone! Such a lovely event.
Excuse our most fashionable lateness.
I hope the toilets are working because shit's about to go down.
-(GULPS) -Well done, Candide.
"Operation Spread Eagle" is really spreading out nicely.
And I’m sure you did this all by yourself
because you are very unpleasant to be around. Great solo effort!
-What! -(GLASS SHATTERING)
I was the architect of this!
I even recorded a Death Maze theme song! It goes like this.
(SCATTING)
♪ Yeah, the Death Maze ♪
That’s not my theme song! Bolton! That piece of sh--
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Well, we know it’s not C.
-(LAUGHS) Who's next? -How do we pick?
All the choices seem wrong. Like eating at Sizzler.
(GASPS) Then we go off menu!
The answer’s E! All of the above.
-(ALL CHEER) -HARRIET: Eeee!
-Perfect letter for a zip line! -(FRIDA LAUGHS)
No!
(CONFUCIUS GROANS)
Hey guys! Which way should we go?
♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪
I, er, uh, listen to my butt.
And my butt is telling me to go this way!
Well, I listen to my Adam’s apple,
and my Adam’s apple is telling me
to listen to your butt.
Who cares about what your body parts are telling you!
Harriet dumped me!
(SOBBING)
Well, we should probably get going!
We only have an hour to find our way
through this maze and hit the buzzer!
-(SOBS) -Let him grieve!
Getting dumped is horrible!
It feels like a bullet's gone into your head.
You have no idea, Lincoln!
HARRIET: Confucius, help me, sweet daddy long legs!
Harriet! Where are you?
-JOAN: I also need help. -Hmm.
-JOAN: My name’s Joan! -(GASPS)
-That’s Joan! -My Joanie.
She’s not your Joanie anymore!
Uh. She’s not yours either, Abe.
I’m trying to save her! Joan, I’m coming!
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Oh, my God. -What?
Do you like Joan?
-Spoiler alert! -Everyone knows that.
♪ (FOREBODING TUNE PLAYING) ♪
Outta my way, Lincoln!
-Joan! (GASPS) -HARRIET: Help me!
Confufu, I need you!
-Heebie Jeebie babies? -That do impressions?
Oh, Abe. I need your sweet tender kisses.
-(BOTH GROWL) -(CLONES SCREAM)
-ABE LINCOLN: I'm in its mouth! -(GRUNTS)
-Thanks. -(SOBS, YELLS)
Oh! My crossbody bag!
(GASPS)
ABE: Number two pencils!
They’re so sharp!
CONFUCIUS: I don’t wanna get lead poisoning!
TOPHER BUS: Actually, pencil lead is made of graphite.
ALL: Shut up, Topher!
(PANTS, GRUNTS)
Bounce on my bouncy butt!
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(ALL GRUNT)
Cross on my leggy legs!
(ALL GRUNT)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Abe...
(GRUNTS)
♪ (INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, we make a really good...
BOTH: Duo of bros who will remain friends
for the rest of our lives!
-(CHUCKLES) -(SHADOWY FIGURES BOOING)
SHADOWY FIGURE LESLIE: We wanted a death maze,
-not a hug labyrinth! -Boring! More deaths, please!
Bring back Scangrade! Now, that’s a real robot.
Screw that test grading scrap metal!
First, she fires me,
then she brings in my nemesis, Scangrade!
And she brought in Michael Bolton!
My nemesis du jour.
We have no choice, but to destroy Candide.
Bring me my death-cessories!
(YAWNS)
They want more violence? They got it.
-Time to liven things up a bit. -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PLAYING FLUTE)
-(CHEERS) -(CHEERS, GRUNTS)
Oh, no. I killed Bert! I mean, I hate Bert
but I was aiming for Candide!
I’ll call his family.
JOAN: We’re making good time, amigas!
Okay, we still have 34 minutes to hit that buzzer
and then college here we come!
Ooh! The Hall of Extracurricular Activities!
My college counselor said you can never have
too many of these!
(GASPS) We get to choose our own weapon.
Fun, I love shopping!
(SQUEAKS)
Well, I hope they don’t want us four amigas to fight each other,
'cause we wouldn’t. Nothing can tear us apart!
-Nothing! -Plus, I’d win.
(FLUTE PLAYING)
(LOUD THUDDING)
Whoa, your eyes look crazy, MC.
And not just in that radiation poisoning way.
-(GROANS) -(SCREAMS)
-(SCREAMS) Oh, no!
-Marie Curie, no! -How is this bitch so strong?
-Help! I can’t hold you both! -Frida! I’m slipping!
I’m slipping, too!
-(GRUNTS) -Frida!
-(SCREAMS) -(GRUNTS)
-Joan! Oh! -(JOAN SCREAMING)
-(CRIES) -(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, God. No. I can’t believe it. I’m so sorry, Joan.
I get it. Sometimes we have to make rash decisions
that we ultimately regret.
But that’s okay. (SOBS)
-♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Oh, my gosh.
-Joan! You’re alive. -(GRUNTS)
-No thanks to you! -I couldn’t hold you both.
You all said we were going to be besties
and do this whole college thing together!
I thought we were the four amigas!
But, it’s clearly the three amigas.
I had your back in the multiple choice thing,
but who has my back?
Okay, let’s all just take a quick eight count and--
Did I save the love of my life over you?
Sure, but you would do the same thing for someone
that you love. JFK, or is it Abe now?
I can’t keep track of your White-girl crushes.
Fine. I don’t need you guys.
I have other friends that I’ll go to college with!
Babe, that was hot.
-(GROANS) -(FLUTE PLAYING)
Topher, leave him alone! That’s my best friend.
Sorry about that. I don’t know what got into me.
Anyway, Abe, let’s ride! Giddy up, Abe! Hyah!
Why are you letting him order you around?
He tried to murder you!
Don’t tell him, Abe. Or else!
-(GASPS) -What’s on this twerp’s phone?
Uh... uh...
He’s blackmailing me. I mean, White leveraging me.
Turns out he’s in love with Joan, too.
What-- But that’s our special thing!
(GRUNTS)
Thanks, JFK!
You know what the most powerful thing in the world is?
-My boohiney? -No. Our friendship.
Although, your rump is very impressive.
JOAN: Abe! JFK! It’s Joan! Can I join your team?
I don’t know if I can do this alone.
Joan, Abe has something he’s dying to say to you!
Now’s your chance, bud.
But how do we know it’s really her
and not one those little Heebie Jeebies?
(GASPS) I got it!
Hi, Joan. What’s my favorite color?
-Red! -Wrong. It’s the Heebie Jeebies.
What? Get out of here! You smell awful and we hate you
and you do bad impressions!
ABE: Now scram, you hairy monster!
-Hairy monster? -♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Fine. I am a lone wolf.
And I’m gonna take myself to college alone.
I don’t need any of those people.
And just like a lone wolf, I’m gonna destroy my enemies.
(DEMONIC VOICE) And piss all over everything!
-(HOWLS) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
ABE: Oh wait, my favorite color is red.
Man, how’d those little Heebie Jeebies know that?
-(GROANS) Ow! -We need to get to that buzzer!
I didn’t give up everything I loved in the world
to not get into this very suspect
and mysterious college.
Hold up. Cleo needs a mirror break.
But we’re not going to college if we don’t keep moving.
What’s the point of college if you can’t be there
with the one you love?
-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(GASPS) Oh, my God.
I made a terrible mistake!
I broke up with Confucius for not being a go-getter,
but now, all I wanna do is go get him!
(GASPS) Look! Is that...
It’s Confucius’ crossbody bag.
That means he made it into the maze!
-(SCREAMS) -Harriet, No!
Looks like it’s just you and me.
-(GROANS) -(GROANS) Oh, my God.
We're totally falling, too!
Una amiga.
(GRUNTING)
Hey, guys, over here!
Is this the next obstacle?
I don’t know, it looks more like a basketball court.
But we should probably get going.
There’s a time limit on this thing.
Agreed!
-♪ (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CLONES LAUGHING)
-Downtown! -Touchdown!
-Sky hook! -Spud Webb.
Yeah!
Can’t leave on a miss!
-Yeah! -(CLONES LAUGHING)
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(CLONES SCREAMING)
-(HOWLS) -♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PANTS, GROWLS)
(SCREAMS)
-(JOAN GROWLS) -(WHIMPERS)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS) Peany!
(HOWLS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Oh, thank you very much. (EXHALES)
(MUNCHES)
(SCREAMS)
-(GRUNTS) -(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
-Right on schedule. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
How did we kill everyone but her?
My damned astigmatism, once again!
We’ll take those poppers to go.
Um. you guys haven’t paid yet-- (GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
-(GROWLS, PANTS) -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(GRUNTS)
-(PARTY BLOWER TOOTING) -Huh?
That’s it? I did it? Wait. Oh, God.
What did I just do?
Congratulations, foster daughter. Come with me.
I think, it’s time for you to know.
There is no Clone High College.
Wait, what? But, what about the maze?
Michael Bolton?
This competition was a top secret initiative
called "Operation Spread Eagle."
And to think, this whole time you thought you were a wolf,
but actually, you’re an eagle!
Congratulations, Joan.
You’re going to be the next world leader!
And I’ll be right by your side.
-I’m so confused. -(LIZARD HISSES)
You’re going to love ruling the world.
I’m talking nuclear codes! State secrets!
Bottomless shrimp!
Wait, by bottomless do you mean unlimited
or that their tails have been removed?
The best part is, you won’t have to worry
about your silly little high school friends.
-Oh, my God, my friends! -Don’t worry, they’re alive.
But they won’t remember you after I zap their minds
with the memory eraser ray!
Just like I did with you guys
-and Gandhi! -Who?
(FREEZER BUZZING)
JOAN: Wait, my friends are alive?
I mean, they’re still selfish jerks,
-but they’re not hurt! -CANDIDE: For now.
I will make them forget everything, including you.
You can fulfill your destiny like the champion you are.
But why do you need to erase their memory?
With no memories, they can start fresh!
We may need to do this again
when something terrible happens to you.
When?
If something terrible happens. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: Dammit! I missed!
I fell on my nuts. And bolts.
Right on cue.
I knew if I told you that you were fired
you would go on a killing spree,
eliminating all who stood in my way.
-SCUDWORTH: So, I’m not fired? -You have tenure, you fool!
♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS) So many memories...
Confucius, I just want you to know how sorry I am
for breaking up with you. I was wrong.
Just because you’re not ambitious about college
doesn’t mean you’re not driven about the one thing
that really matters.
-Us. -(GASPS)
-Can you forgive me? -I don’t know,
it’s gonna be really hard to forget something like that.
You know we’re going to have our memories erased, right?
Right. In that case...
-let’s consider it forgotten. -(SIGHS)
-I don’t see Joan anywhere. -She must’ve won. Good for her.
You know, if I can’t be with her,
she could do a lot worse than you.
Thanks, JFK.
All I can do is tell her how I feel,
if I remember how I feel.
Since we’re all confessing stuff,
I’m done being nice!
This is how I really feel. Women shouldn’t wear--
CLONES: Shut up, Topher!
♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I forgot all these pivotal life-changing teen memories.
You know why you’ll never make it
in this Shadowy business, Scudworth?
You care too much.
SCUDWORTH: You’re damned right I do. They’re my creations!
My children! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
You moron! That was your first mistake. Caring.
You should be more like Joan! Put yourself first.
Viciously knock out the competition.
And above all, don’t have friends
or care about others--
(JOAN GRUNTING)
I do care about others!
Now, let’s go save my friends!
SCUDWORTH: Candide, raise your hand
if you think I should help Joan rescue my clones.
SCUDWORTH: That’s a yes.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Memory wipe initiated.
(ALL PANT)
SCUDWORTH: That’s a lot of buttons!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty-five percent complete.
(ALL PANT)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty percent complete.
(BOTH PANT)
SCUDWORTH: Gettin’ my steps in!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Seventy-five percent complete.
Memory wipe comp--
Did I make it in time?
-Who are you? -It’s me, Joan of Arc.
You know me!
Joan... I had something I needed to tell someone named Joan.
Mm, I can’t remember what it was.
Oh, no. No, no! No! I’m too late!
-♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -♪ Flipping through a book ♪
♪ The pages of our lives ♪
♪ Just like racing Through a maze ♪
♪ We're all tangled up ♪
♪ Lost inside our minds ♪
♪ Bring us back our best days ♪
♪ Cutting through the haze ♪
♪ A million different ways ♪
♪ It's just like starting over ♪
♪ Remember to remember The memories ♪
♪ Don't forget All the memories ♪
♪ Remember to remember The memories ♪
♪ Recall all the memories ♪
I think I’m starting to... remember.
I remember, too!
We all do!
Except for the dinosaur. When did that happen?
Thanks for saving our memories, fam.
We never meant to let you down.
I’m just so glad to have you back!
Joan! I remembered what I was going to tell you before.
It’s big. See, deep down I think I’ve always known
-that you were the o-- -CANDIDE: Not so fast.
(CLONES GASP)
You know the funny thing about yearbooks is,
they only show the good memories.
-♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -♪ Remember to remember ♪
♪ The memories ♪
♪ Recall all the memories ♪
♪ Remember ♪
Oh, boy.
Um. Could we get that memory eraser ray going again?
♪ (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ Flipping through a book ♪
♪ The pages of our lives ♪
♪ Just like racing Through a maze ♪
♪ We're all tangled up ♪
♪ Lost inside our minds ♪
♪ Bring us back our best days ♪
♪ Cutting through the haze ♪
♪ A million different ways ♪
♪ It's just like starting over ♪
♪ Remember to remember The memories ♪
♪ Don't forget All the memories ♪
-♪ Remember to remember The memories ♪ -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪