NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special episode of Clone High.
Abe was put out
when his demon girlfriend was put out of commission
before she could put out.
And Harriet put out a story about the whole thing.
The phrase that pays on our show today is "put out."
And guess who just made four dollars?
No!
-(SNORING) -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Morning, sunshine!
Dad... (GROANS) What time is it?
My watch says pancake o'clock. (LAUGHS)
-It's 4:30 a.m. -Dad!
I'm sorry, I'm excited!
I've got your parent-principal conference today.
I finally get to meet your new teachers,
your new friends, your girlfriend.
Now, why do you have to say it like that?
Because I'm a cheesy dad!
And I know how special Cleo is to you.
And if she's that special to you,
I'm sure I'll feel the same way. Right?
-Uh, yeah. Absolutely. -Great!
Okay, so I'll let you enjoy your breakfast.
I'm just gonna take a little Polaroid of my angel
for the road. (IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER)
-Aw, it's a keeper. -Bye, Dad.
(GASPS) There's, like, no oxygen under there.
I literally almost died.
Oh, my God, it's pancake o'clock!
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
♪ Secret government employees ♪
♪ Dug up famous guys And ladies ♪
♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It's time to watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
-(BELL RINGING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING)
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm in! Just one final button click
and all my dreams come true.
(MUNCHING)
(SHRIEKS) Pop-up ad! No! Get away!
You'll never defeat me. Click!
-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -Yes! I did it!
I just bought an island on eBay!
How did you buy an island when you can't even afford
name-brand Swedish Fish?
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: I prefer the taste of Norwegian Guppies!
(WAR HORN BLOWING)
And I haven't actually bought the island.
I've secured the winning bid.
Now, I have 24 hours to come up with the money.
We've got parent-principal conferences today!
That's it!
Parent-principal conferences! (GIGGLES)
It's the perfect opportunity to solicit bribes in exchange
for scholastic favors.
-(SIGHS) I already feel dirty. -Well, get ready to feel filthy.
Filthy rich!
And probably regular filthy, too.
I'm suggesting we be open to sexual favors. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, yeah, I got that. Wesley.
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Just noticed some profanities on the lockers.
Adding that to my talking points.
Dad, you know these meetings are only ten minutes each.
Ten minutes? Another talking point.
-Yeah, it's so bright in here! -Oh, no.
-Mom, do not hit on the Elvises! -(SLURRING) Good morning,
-Elvises. -(GROANS)
There was four of them, right? (GRUNTS)
-Mom of the Year, right here! -Who's that girl?
Good question. I've never seen her before.
Just shameful how she's speaking to her mother.
Mr. Kim, we're ready for you.
CLEO'S MOM: Hey, Red Sweater.
You writing down your number for me?
-He doesn't like you, Mom! -Hmm.
You smell like a Dave & Buster's!
FRIDA'S DAD: Mm-mm.
-(GROANS) -♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I wish my foster parents could finally see my school.
But they're so busy jet-setting around the world that they miss
the important events in my life.
Snorkeling meets, dentist appointments,
family photos.
♪ (SOMBER TUNE PLAYS) ♪
-Point is, I'm home alone a lot. -Aw, Sorry babe.
Well, at least this day has no dire consequences.
SCUDWORTH: Attention, clones!
Parent-principal conferences this year are mandatory!
If any clones' parents don't attend,
said clone will be banished to the freezer.
(FREEZER WHIRRING)
-(ALL GASP) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Joan, what do we do?
I think I've got it. You said your parents
have never been to this school, right?
Right.
So, they've never met Scudworth?
-Hmm. -Are you thinking
-what I'm thinking? -I'm thinking about pandas.
-Confucius! -They're comforting!
Lemme get this straight.
You want us to pose as Confucius's parents?
Exactly!
Never! Maybe if you guys didn't make my horny girlfriend
implode into the mirror dimension,
things would be different.
But you did do that! So, I'm still just like
expensive olive oil, extra virgin.
She was a demon, Abe.
We only did that so that you wouldn't die.
Yeah, but at least I wouldn't have died a virgin!
I had a virgin uncle who died of smelling
his own farts,
but all anyone could talk about was how he was a virgin.
I dunno, maybe he was a virgin because of the farts.
No, he was a virgin because he lost his wiener
in a tap-dancing accident!
But, again, all everyone talks about is that he died a virgin,
not a tap-dancing fart machine!
God, I miss him! (SHRIEKS, CRIES)
JFK, how would you feel about posing as my dad
for the parent conference?
(GASPS) You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Huh? -Hmm?
Kidding! I was already in character. I'm in.
-Wow! -Wow. He's good.
(BELL RINGING)
What's wrong, Dad?
Your principal is a morally bankrupt,
money-hungry megalomaniac. And I think the robot
was offering sexual favors in exchange for money.
I'm worried this is the wrong learning environment
for you, Frida. We might need to change schools.
No, Dad! Sure, Mr. Scuddleworth's a weirdo,
but all my friends are here!
And there's no way I could leave Cleo.
She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, then why haven't I met her yet?
Where is she?
-(STUDENT GROANS) -CLEOPATRA: I know you got gum!
-(WHIMPERS) -Gimme your gum!
She's not in today. She's getting extra credit,
uh, working at a soup kitchen
for elderly amputees.
Oh, well, that is commendable. (CHUCKLES)
Why don't you invite her over for dinner tonight?
I'd love to hear her make a case for attending Clone High.
To be clear, I would be wearing latex gloves.
I'm gonna research other schools just in case.
-Love you! -CLEO: Oh, did your dad leave?
I wanted to meet the guy responsible
-for raising my favorite person. -Well, you're in luck.
He invited you to dinner tonight.
Amazing! My foster mom just makes pizza bagels
when she's drunk, and she's been drunk
since we met.
I knew you had gum, you piece of shit!
I see you chewing it!
-(STUDENT SCREAMS) -(SIGHS)
You're looking less than thrilled.
I have to introduce Cleo to my dad at dinner tonight.
The only way he'll let me stay at this school
is if he likes her.
You're in luck, 'cause I just launched
a start-up designed to help people
in exactly your situation.
-I'll give you a little backstory. -♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I was watching this movie about a famous matchmaker
called Cyrano, then I got bored, so I switched to this show
about Elizabeth Holmes and her company, Theranos.
That got me so inspired, I didn't even watch
the second half of the series.
I just came up with my product and rushed it to the market.
And that's how Cyranos was born.
But how can Cyranos work for me?
I'm glad you asked. With my makeover guidance
and skillful conversational coaching,
I will turn Cleo
into the type of person your dad will love.
You see, Cyranos is built on an elaborate network of lies.
Over time, those lies
produce results you won't believe.
-And this is legal? -Yes!
Is that one of the lies you were talking about?
"No! Just do it. It's fine!"
-Okay, I'm in. -Fuck yeah!
"Cyranos, bitch!"
-♪ Cyranos ♪ -♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Hey, girl. Heard about dinner with Frida's dad tonight.
Ooh, what's this you're wearing?
This is Snuffles.
He was my pet chinchilla, but he got boring,
-so I scarfed him. -♪ (EERIE MUSICAL STING) ♪
Um, okay.
When I say I "scarfed" him, I don't mean I ate him.
I just mean I turned him into a scarf.
Chic. But, you know, Frida's dad is super uptight and moralistic.
-Ew. -I know.
So, listen, what I'd like to do is offer you a reverse makeover.
AKA a make-under.
We can put it on my Cyranos corporate card.
Whatever, as long as you're paying.
Leave a like on the Cyranos website!
Seriously, though, leave a like!
'Cause I'll know if you didn't!
-(CRICKETS CHIRPING) -♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Thank you for meeting with us, Principal Scudworth.
Our son, Confucius, is our son.
Indubitably. We may be absent from his day-to-day life,
but he's always present in our thoughts
since we are his parents.
Yes, we truly love our son, who is named...
Confucius.
-And scene. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I thought it felt nice.
You guys look and sound just like my parents,
if they loved me and were ever in this house.
Instead, I'm a real Kevin McCallister,
obsessed with aftershave, diabolically sassy
-and always home alone. -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
You guys are gonna be great! We're gonna pull this off,
and I'm not gonna get thrown in the freezer!
(ALL SHIVER)
-All right, everyone, hands in! -Now, let's go!
Wait! Not that door!
(SCREAMS)
What's with all the booby traps?
Ah, boobie. (LAUGHS) Ow.
I told you I'm home alone a lot!
A boy has a right to protect himself.
Oh, gee! Look out for the nails!
-(YELLS, SCREAMS) -CONFUCIUS: Duck!
Oh! It's too late. You got punched already.
-But wait! -(SCREAMS) Ow!
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
(WHIMPERS)
Are you all right?
I'm A-O-JFK! (SCREAMS) Why?
♪ Makeunder, makeunder ♪
♪ Makeunder, makeunder Makeunder, makeunder ♪
♪ Makeunder! No, no, no ♪
♪ Makeunder, makeunder Makeunder, makeunder ♪
♪ Makeunder, makeunder Makeunder! No, no, no. ♪
(SHRIEKS)
♪ For you and me ♪
All right. What if we tried something besides a push-up bra?
This is a push-down bra.
Do you have anything that pushes further down?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -So, how do you feel?
I feel like we picked the worst clothes
-in the entire mall. -Right?
Now, let's practice small talk.
-Ask Van Gogh how he is. -But I don't care how he is.
-Just give it a try. -(MUNCHES)
(SCOFFS) How are you so pale and gray?
(SOBS)
No. Okay, no. You just roasted him, right?
-We want to keep the talk small. -It's Van Gogh.
The talk is always gonna be small.
-(CRIES, MUNCHES) -(SIGHS) Okay, look.
This is the crown jewel of the Cyranos product line.
With this in your ear, I can feed lines
to you directly.
So, you wanna change the way I look
and the way I talk?
For Frida! Her dad was talking about making her change schools.
What? No, he can't do that.
You gotta nail this dinner and convince him
to let her stay.
-Okay, gimme the ear thingy. -(SLURPS)
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Last one.
(VINCENT VAN GOGH GROANS)
♪ Cyranos ♪
-Hey, Abe. Do you have a minute? -(GROANS)
Abe, JFK's broken.
We really need you to step in and play Confucius's dad!
Oh, play your fake husband? Frig no!
How can I ever forgive you guys for what you did to me
and my wiener?
♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS) Hey. C'mon.
-C'mon. -"C'mon"?
C'mon.
ALL: C'mon!
Thanks for the really sincere apology, guys. We're cool.
-Hey, come on. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
How dare you! You think it's that easy, Joan?
It was that easy for them! Can't you just forgive me?
Sorry, you and I have baggage. And it's heavy!
Easily over the 50-pound limit. And you can't just take
your shoes out and put them in your carry-on
this time, Joan.
We will never, ever be friends again.
Now, I'm gonna help out, but only for my bro, Confucius.
-I mean, my son, Confucius. -Thanks, Dad.
-(ALL SIGH) -(GRUMBLES)
(DOORBELL DINGING)
♪ (UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Can I help you, ma'am? -Frida. It's me.
Just messing with you, babe! You look perfect.
Just get me to a chair. I can't walk in flat shoes.
A couple hours with my dad
and you can go back to your bad-ass self.
-You got this. -(EARPIECE STATIC)
Correction, we got this. That's the Cyranos promise.
Cleo! (CHUCKLES)
So delighted to finally meet you.
You must be tired after the day you've had.
Frida told him you missed school
because you were working at a soup kitchen.
Why?
Well, uh, it can be tiring looking out for others.
Just say that you're fine
and that helping people energizes you.
I'm fine. Helping people energizes me.
-Huh. Wow. That's impressive. -Told you she was awesome, Dad.
-Say you're blushing. -I'm blushing.
"And blushing's about as close as I get to wearing makeup."
-(LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) We're having fun.
-♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -With a sizable donation
from you today, we'd be delighted
to rename our science lab
The George Washington Carver Science Center.
-Huh? Huh? -I'm actually between jobs
and was hoping to apply for financial aid.
Yuck! You're asking me for money?
-Well-- -No, no, no.
No, nah, nee, no, nee, nah, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No! No, no, no.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
-Confucius's parents are here! -Finally, rich people!
We need a windfall, Mr. B. If I don't get the money soon,
Cloney Island is going to the next highest bidder!
So happy you two could make it,
Mr. and Mrs. Confucius's parents!
How's your money going?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I mean, your day going?
Wealthy, I trust.
Well, I trust fund... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Please come in.
-ABE LINCOLN: Hmm. -JOAN OF ARC: Indubitably.
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Well, I would do anything for my son, Confucius.
Even sit here next to his mother, my wife,
a woman I can't stand.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Let's not talk about our issues
in front of the nice principal, dear husband o' mine.
Your expensive travels have taken a toll on poor Confucius.
We've found that the best way to turn things around
is with a sizable donation from the parents.
You can blame my mean wife for our long absences, Mr. Sir.
She is a selfish woman who is a terrible friend.
Actually, it's my husband who has terrible judgment
and follows his dong instead of using his brain,
so I have to bail him out of deadly situations.
-Ha-ha, that's rich! -(GASPS) Speaking of rich,
-would you like-- -You see, Mr. Principal,
my wife only shows interest in me when I'm with other women.
My husband only wanted me when I was popular,
but when I was an outcast under the bleachers
when I needed him the most, he left me out to dry!
I've given you a million chances,
-but you'll never change. -Mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Cash, cash, cash! -Money, money, money!
And that is the harrowing tale of how I saved 49 orphans...
...from the blood diamond cave. (SIGHS SOFTLY)
-♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Wow. (LAUGHS) Just wow.
This is going great. (CHUCKLES)
You're everything I'd hope you'd be and more, Cleo.
-(ONO MEOW'S) -Get down, Ono! You dummy!
-Oh, no, you dummy! -(GULPS)
Uh, I'm sorry. Excuse me?
Settle down, you little beast...
-(GASPS) -...or I'm gonna neuter you!
-Um... -I-- I think Cleo means
that she needs to settle down
after a long day of helping others.
Including people who have sadly been neutered.
-(FIRE ALARM BEEPING) -Sorry!
There's a fire I'm trying to put out!
-I'm trying to put out. -I beg your pardon?
-HARRIET TUBMAN: I'm on fire! -I'm on fire.
-Um, uh. (CHUCKLES) -Cleo, focus.
Sorry. (EXHALES) I'm a bit frazzled.
Right. Well, I think we're all a little off today.
I'm still in shock from the display I witnessed
at your school this morning.
Dad, you don't need to get into that.
Really? What happened?
So, there was this awful girl...
-Dad. -...too much makeup,
too little clothing, too much attitude.
-You know the type... -Dad. (GROANS)
Frida, don't interrupt.
Her mother had fallen to the ground,
and instead of helping her up,
this girl was shouting these terrible things at her.
I see. Frida didn't mention this.
She was probably trying to put it out of her mind.
Did Frida mention the girl probably had to put up
with an alcoholic mom
who embarrasses her everywhere they go?
-♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -Well, thankfully for everyone,
Frida said she didn't even know the girl.
-Oh, she did, did she? -Cleo, please.
I just wonder if that girl you both think is so awful
looks anything like...
No! Abort mission, abort mission! (SCREAMS)
...this!
It was you? Frida, how could you do this?
Now, you can meet the real me, Mr. Frida's Dad.
I wear too much makeup, too little clothing,
and have too much attitude.
I'm Cleo-fucking-patra. And I'm so done with this shit.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Well, someone needs to put two dollars
in the swear jar for that and it's not gonna be me.
(GROANS)
ABE: Well, you belonged under those bleachers, Jernice!
JOAN: Sometimes, I wish I had let you have sex
with that demon because then you'd be dead, Archibald!
-This isn't good. -Don't worry. I have an idea.
-(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) -Okay, you've actually gone
way over your allotted time and I have to charge you
for that, so if you just want to shoot me
your Swiss bank account number, we could...
-Stop fighting, Mom and Dad! -♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JFK: Listen to my grandson!
That's right!
It's Grandpa Eddie back from the war,
full of wisdom and blunt force trauma!
You two have so much history.
All relationships have ups and downs.
But at the core of it all,
you two mean something to each other.
Work it out. For the kid, my foster grandson.
Your foster son who is Confucius.
Grandpa... was it Freddie?
...is right. I'm sorry for blocking your dong, husband.
I just care about you,
and I thought I was doing the right thing.
But I realize I should have let you and your dong decide.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart,
and the bottom of my dong's heart.
-Aw. -(SCREAMS) You mother--
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS) ♪
Real foster mom and real foster dad? You came!
Of course we came, son!
We had to pick up our racehorses on our way home from Monaco,
and we naturally thought we'd stop by
for parent-principal conferences.
Well, then who the flippity fuck
have I been talking to this whole time?
It appears they've been students in wigs.
I'm assuming this is for bribes?
Archibald and I would like Confucius
to graduate top of his class.
Keep the change. (LAUGHS)
Cloney Island is mine, Mr. B! Whoo!
Deactivating prostitution mode. Yippee!
-Cleo, wait up! -♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-What? -I-- I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Sorry you don't like the way I talk
or the way I look?
(SCOFFS) How do people walk in these ground huggers?
Cleo... (SIGHS)
I actually thought we were doing this whole stupid thing
because you were embarrassed of your dad. But now I get it.
You're embarrassed of me. Well, fuck that.
Hey, I'm so not embarrassed of you.
I think you're amazing!
And I should never have asked you to change who you are
just to please my dad.
If he can't see what I can see, then that's on him, not on you.
I love you, Cleo.
For everything you are and for everything you aren't.
Then why would you ask me to change?
I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't have asked you to do any of this.
But the fact that you did makes me feel
like the luckiest girl in the world.
-Seriously? -Absolut-- (SCREAMS)
(GASPS) You gotta be kidding me. That was all from Harriet?
-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -Hey, heads up,
I can't do refunds.
No, Cleo! I meant every word Harriet just told me to say!
I just did that 'cause I didn't wanna mess this up!
Oh, nothing's messed up.
Now everything's exactly how it should be.
-Really? -Yup.
-We're done. -What?
I'm officially breaking up with you,
effective immediately.
-Do not try to follow me. -Cleo, no! Wait.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Well, real Mom and real Dad,
how 'bout some fro-yo and a catch-up sesh?
'Fraid not, sport. We've gotta jet to Majorca
to see a man about some golden pills
that'll make our doo-doo sparkle.
How about a hug?
(ALL GRUNT SOFTLY)
And some walking around emeralds.
-Joan, these are for you. -♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-For me? -You make our boy happy.
We just want you to keep making him happy while we're gone.
And we're always gone.
-Oh, I don't feel comfortable-- -No takebacks!
-Ta-ta! (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)
They do care about me. Just in small, infrequent doses.
Thanks for coming to my rescue, gang.
Ow, ow! I'm still very hurt from the boobie traps!
(LAUGHING) Boobie. I can't help it.
♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-So? -She broke up with me.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I'm the one who lied to everybody.
I guess I got what I deserve.
No one deserves to have their heart broken like that.
Besides, you just wanted Cleo and I to like each other.
Imagine that.
Someone being protective of the people they love.
I do love you, Dad.
I love you, too.
Heart-shaped pancakes tomorrow morning?
Sure. Maybe we wait until after sunrise, though?
-(CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES) Deal.
HARRIET: Frida! Frida! Frida, are you there?
Harriet, what's wrong?
HARRIET: I think I'm getting raided by the Feds.
Can I come over and put some stuff in your toilets?
Please! (GRUNTS)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -FEDERAL AGENT: Open up, Miss Tubman!
One minute!
I thought you said it was all totally legal?
HARRIET: Oh, my God, who cares what I said?
How many toilets do you have?
I just need one more round of funding!
-FEDERAL AGENT: We're comin' in! -(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Okay, gotta pivot.
(GRUNTS) Is anyone here a venture capitalist?
♪ Cyranos ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪