-♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -NARRATOR: Tonight, on a very special
season finale episode of Clone High.
It's an epic tale of good and evil.
Will love conquer all?
Or will the forces of darkness win the day?
The future lies in the balance...
-(SCREAMING) -...as the clones embark
on an unforgettable journey into a realm we call
summer vacation.
That's right, it's a hot clone summer, y'all!
May God have mercy on their souls.
(SHOUTING) Scudworth!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH: Since the beginnith of time,
history has captured the hopes and dreams
of hopers and dreamers everywhere.
But what if you could do more than just read about history
-in an old smelly book? -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Gee, mister. That sounds swell!
Why do these old books smell so bad?
SCUDWORTH: All right. (CHUCKLES) That's not your line.
You can't just say stuff you're thinking.
Okay, well, it is swell, Billy!
Cloney Island is the place where history comes alive.
♪ (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Dammit, Mr. B, keep up!
Where else can you take selfies
with groundbreaking historical figures
in their naturally glass-enclosed habitats?
-(CROWD GASPS) -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
You'll want to ride Lincoln's Log Flume
-fourscore times. -(BOTH CHEER)
(LOUD THUD)
Go "underground" on Harriet Tubman's
tub-bumping Bumper Tubs.
Shouldn't it be an underground railroad ride?
SCUDWORTH: Maybe when you get your own theme park, Sarah!
Experience a brush with death on Frida Kahlo's Brow-Boggan.
RIDER: (SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
So it isn't even an art-themed ride?
SCUDWORTH: (SIGHS) We have to recast this girl.
And don't forget to obtain the wisdom of Confucius
with the purchase of these tasteful souvenirs.
And every night, we'll have a fireworks display.
It'll be hot, smoky history blown in your face!
-(CROWD CHEERING) -So come to Cloney Island,
where history will be blown in your face!
MR. BUTLERTON: Why does everything
have to be blown in your face?
SCUDWORTH: I'm sorry, were you up writing
until 2:00 a.m. in the morning?
How cool is that? Yeah?
Wait, Cloney Island is real?
And you're all going to be working there.
It's the summer job of a lifetime!
That's why you put us on a submarine?
(DOLPHIN CHIRPS)
And the submarine is the school?
Random.
I assure you, it isn't random in the least.
In fact, it's the whole reason I put you on this Earth.
A chance to step into the shoes of your clone parents
and fulfill your destinies as theme park attractions!
-What? No, thank you. -What?
-Still sounds very random. -Is he serious?
-(CLONES WHIMPER) -(GASPS) We've arrived!
(SONAR BEEPING)
SCUDWORTH: Prepare to be impressed
in a moment...
when we get to the surface.
Mr. B, maybe pick it up a little.
-(CLONES SCREAM) -SCUDWORTH: Jesus, Mr. B!
MR. B: Oopsie doodle.
Welcome to Cloney Island.
♪ (EPIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SCREAMS)
♪ ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
♪ Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
♪ Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪
♪ And made amusing Genetic copies ♪
♪ Then the clones As teens were frozen ♪
♪ Thawed out decades later Why? ♪
♪ Back for reasons They're not disclosin' ♪
♪ Giving high school Another try ♪
♪ It's time To watch Clone High ♪
♪ Energetic and engaging Clone High ♪
♪ Our angst is entertaining Clone High ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-ABE LINCOLN: Whoa! -CONFUCIUS: Whoa-ho.
-(JOAN OF ARC GASPS) -SCUDWORTH: Soak it all in, clones!
-(CROWD CHEERS) -SCUDWORTH: Your fun island
working vacation is about to begin.
-Now, any softball questions? -(LAUGHS)
HARRIET TUBMAN: Do our foster parents know about this?
JOAN: How much are we getting paid?
-JFK: Are the dorms co-ed? -CONFUCIUS: What's the Wi-Fi password?
ABE: The other clones are already here?
The answer to all of that is yes!
-The Wi-Fi password is "yes"? -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(CELL PHONE DINGS) -It is now.
Frida, if we're gonna be here all summer,
there's a good chance I'm gonna meet someone.
I just wanna be upfront with you about that.
Hey, I get it. I mean, I'll be out there, too.
So let me know if I should keep my stuff on the low.
Oh, my God, please. I'm fine with it.
Probably more fine with it than you.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I doubt it,
-'cause I'm pretty fine with it. -Well, it's not a competition.
More fine with it than you!
I was supposed to intern with Shonda Rhimes this summer.
This completely derails my 50-year plan.
We're on a tropical island!
You gotta relax and live in the moment.
I'm not like you. I can't just sit back
and take whatever life gives me.
Well, when you look like this,
life usually gives you pretty good stuff.
FYI, there's nothing less attractive than a shallow himbo
-bragging about how hot-- -(JFK SNORING)
And he's sleeping.
Babe, if people are expecting me to be like the real Confucius,
they're gonna be so let down.
I have abs, but I'm not wise at all.
Hey, it's just a summer job.
Summer jobs are supposed to be fun.
Back me up here, Abe.
Oh, yeah. Joan and I have been paired up
for tons of summer jobs.
Camp counselor, ice cream scooper...
Lifeguard, and, of course...
BOTH: Slaughterhouse cleaners!
(BOTH LAUGH)
I have no idea why we're laughing at that. (SIGHS)
Yeah, okay.
Babe, even if the job sucks, which it won't,
we get to spend the summer together.
-That's true. -SCUDWORTH: You wish.
Each of you will be stationed in theme zones corresponding
to your clone parents. Abe and Joan,
-you're in Leader Lagoon. -(BOTH GASP)
Cleo and JFK, Historical Hotties.
-Mm-hmm. -Makes sense.
Frida and Harriet, Iconoclast Island.
And last but not least, Confucius,
way up on Sage Summit.
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
I have to go up there all by myself?
SCUDWORTH: Worse! You get Nostradamus.
Yeah, I knew that already.
I could've said it, but I didn't feel like it.
So, you'll be hanging out with Abe,
while I'm literally gonna be on top of that mountain?
Don't worry, I promise I won't get her too wet.
-What? -On my flume ride!
So glad I brought my ponchos.
They're not the waterproof kind, but still.
Well, we'll be working during the day anyway,
what matters is that we get to hang out at night.
And during breaks, we can talk on the phone.
Right. Hey, where is my phone?
SCUDWORTH: Mr. B took all of your phones
when you were watching the promo video.
They're not historically accurate.
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) -♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-How could this get worse? -Without my phone, I'll starve!
Now, if anyone needs to have a huge conversation
with a friend or lover,
you have 30 seconds before you're launched
into your respective lands where you will remain
-for the duration of your stay. -This isn't right!
-Did we sign anything? -I need a lawyer.
It's time to become who you were always meant to be.
Time to embrace your destiny.
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) -He's not actually gonna launch us.
-Oh, he's launching us. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(BUZZER SOUNDS) -(FRIDA KAHLO SCREAMS)
-(CLONES SCREAM) -♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Joan! -Confucius!
-Frida! -Cleo!
-(CLONES SCREAM, GRUNT) -JFK: What's happening?
This isn't really just a summer job, is it?
Of course it is.
It just happens to be an endless summer.
-(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) -(LAUGHS) I get it, Wesley.
♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
CANDIDE SAMPSON: That idiot!
I cannot believe Scudworth stole the entire school
and opened up his own damn theme park!
And he actually thinks he can get away with it?
-(HISSES) -True.
Blowing up the island would solve the problem instantly.
But if we take out Scudworth and all the clones,
there's no hope of rebooting Operation Spread Eagle.
(HISSES)
I know the button for the ultimate secret super-weapon
is right there, but I'm saying,
the clones still have value.
And Joan happens to be my foster daughter.
-(ALARM BLARING) -(GASPS, LAUGHS)
You naughty little shit.
Looks like it's time to cancel Clone High...
again.
-♪ (EPIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) For France, I will fight! I am Joan of Arc!
And I am a strong, God-hearing, independent woman!
-(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) -(CELL PHONE RINGS)
-Uh, hello? -CANDIDE: Joan?
Are you serious? Did you put a phone in my arm?
I wanted to keep tabs on you,
so I simply slipped you a sleeping pill,
cut open a thin layer of your forearm skin
using my meat slicer, implanted the phone
with a tracking device, sewed you back up--
Okay, I get it, you're a monster!
Hey, I'm not the one who locked you
in a demented little zoo for clones.
Cloney Island is a theme park. And I'm just working here.
It's called a summer job.
CANDIDE: Oh, you poor thing. It's not a job.
Scudworth wants to keep you all there forever.
I'm sorry, what?
Phone in the arm doesn't seem so bad now, does it?
Scudworth never cared about you clones.
But I'm going to teach him a lesson.
I sent a missile to destroy the island.
-What? -Hey, I'm trying to save your life.
Get to Scudworth's submarine and get outta there.
You've got two to eight hours before the missile arrives.
You're welcome!
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Everyone! We have to go! A missile is coming!
-(AUDIENCE GASPS) -GUEST 1: She's being anachronistic!
We just suspended our disbelief!
-Now we gotta start all over! -(AUDIENCE BOOS)
GUEST 2: I jet-skied to an island for this?
-GUEST 3: Go back to the fire! -Assholes.
I'm Honest Abe, and I cannot tell a lie.
You must keep your arms inside the log at all times.
"Cannot tell a lie" isn't an Abe Lincoln quote.
It's Washington's.
(LAUGHS) You seem fun!
-(GRUNTS) -(SCREAMS)
(PANTS)
-Joan! What are you doing here? -Candide sent a missile
to blow up the island! We only have two to eight hours!
Oh my God, that's so vague yet specific and terrifying!
Come on, we gotta get the others!
Wait. I know a faster way.
-(BOTH CHEER) -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BOTH LAUGH)
Time for us to split! (GRUNTS)
(BOTH CHEER AND LAUGH)
Wahoo!
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(BOTH LAUGHING)
CONFUCIUS: Oh, no! Joan and Abe are down there
having the best time together.
She clearly doesn't miss me at all!
Am I losing her, Nostradamus?
♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Do not despair.
You will find yourself with whomever is right for you.
Can you just tell me if it's Joan?
I will tell you that the answers are all inside of you.
That sounds like bullshit.
Dude, I'm not a wizard.
I just make broad predictions that'll eventually come true.
But I'll tell you what is bullshit,
you've had those binoculars for like ten straight minutes!
They're not yours! They're to share!
Oh, my god.
Oh, yeah! I see my destiny down at Historical Hotties.
Oh, my gosh! There's some real talent there! (GROANS)
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(HOOTING AND HOLLERING)
GUEST 1: I'm looking!
-GUEST 2:Whoa. -GUEST 3: Look at that!
GUEST 4: Shake that tush, James Dean!
James Dean? I'm JFK.
GUEST 4: Ooh, look at his butt tensing up.
GUEST 5: I think you made him angry!
Cleo, do you ever feel objectified?
(SIGHS) I used to.
Now I'm surrounded by so many hot people,
I barely feel objectified at all.
I need to be the hottest person in the room.
I think I wanna be more than just hot.
-BOTH: This sucks. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Everyone, we gotta go!
-Oh, thank god! -Thank god!
Wait. Did someone already tell you
-about the missile? -BOTH: Missile?
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(BIRDS SQUAWK) -(MISSILE ROARS)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
SCUDWORTH: Look at that, Mr. B.
All my little creations, living out my childhood dreams
of fulfilling their destinies as theme park attractions.
It's exactly as I imagined,
and it all came off without a hitch.
-(ALARM BLARING) -(YELPS)
-It's a hitch. -What?
ABE: (OVER PA) Uh-oh, looks like my log is jammed.
But we'll be squeezing out shortly.
The clones have abandoned their posts!
We'll need to teach them a lesson.
Fill churros with horse tranquilizers,
tranq the clones, chain them to their posts,
and make sure they never leave their lands again!
Bingo! Once this is resolved,
we'll have a grand total of zero problems.
-♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(SLURPS)
-(THUD) -(ROARS)
People, there's a missile approaching the island!
-We have to evacuate. -Wait your turn!
-No cuts! -I'm not cutting in line!
-Said the cutter! -Push on, cutter!
HARRIET: Candide's trying to kill us?
FRIDA: Don't like that.
Come on, let's grab Confucius and get to the sub.
We don't have much time.
You haven't gotten Confucius yet?
-Interesting. -What does that mean?
Well, er, uh, you'd think he'd be the first one you rescued,
you know, since, uh, you're dating.
Abe was closest to me.
In what way?
Geographically!
Come on, Joan, there have been sparks between you and Abe
for weeks.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, that's ridiculous.
(SCREAMS)
-Joan! No! -(SCREAMS)
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -Yeah. No sparks at all.
(GROANS) We're wasting time!
This missile could be here in as little as 30 minutes!
Or as much as six hours and 30 minutes.
Fingers crossed for that one, right?
Looking at this map of the park,
the fastest way to get to Confucius
is cutting through Villain Village.
Bleacher Creatures area. Your old pals, Joan.
You all get to safety. I'll navigate the creatures.
No way you're going alone. I'm coming with you.
-CLONES: Ooh! -You like her!
-Seriously? -What is wrong with you people?
Well, I'm off to the sub.
I need to protect this pretty face,
boobs, butt, and feet for those who have a fetish.
I'm going with Abe and Joan.
I need to show the world
I'm more than just a pretty face, boobs, butt,
and feet for those who have a fetish.
-Seriously? -♪ (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm not running from a missile crisis.
-I'm John F. friggin' Kennedy! -♪ (MUSIC PAUSES) ♪
John F. Kennedy famously backed down from that.
-Well, not this time! -♪ (PATRIOTIC MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
Someone wise once told me you can't just sit back
-and take what life gives you. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
That was me. Like, a few hours ago.
Huh. Guess you're right. I'm, er, uh, doing your thing.
You just said you were doing my thing
and it wasn't a sex joke.
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's happening.
Don't worry. I can help.
Yes, please.
Wait, so I'm the only one going to the sub?
I won't let you go alone, Cle. Unless you wanna be alone?
No, come with me! You think I wanna die on this island?
Not that you're all gonna die.
You'll be fine. You're gonna do great.
(SCREAMS)
Oh my god, this is easily the best part of the island.
Bad guys make the best theme park rides.
And we don't enforce height restrictions.
(SCREAMS)
Churros! Get your churros!
Thirteen dollars apiece!
Thirteen dollars?
I know. I don't get why we have to also gouge
the people while we're trying--
SCUDWORTH: Shut up, Mr. B!
Can't I poison them and turn a profit?
Everybody focus! Candide sent a missile.
We need to get off this island.
Oh, no. Scudworth, we have a serious problem.
SCUDWORTH: Until you've sold the churros, I don't wanna talk to you.
But-- But this is important.
SCUDWORTH: No "buts," Mr. Butlertron!
-Please. -SCUDWORTH: Or should I say, Mr. Lertron.
-Just let me-- -SCUDWORTH: Because no "buts."
-But I-- -SCUDWORTH: I don't wanna hear the word "but"
-come out of your mouth! -Can I just--
SCUDWORTH: Or the word "mouth" come out of your butt!
Fine, however--
"However" is just a fancy but!
-Nevertheless, I-- -SCUDWORTH: No buts, no fancy buts,
-or any other manner of but! -Although--
SCUDWORTH: That's it! You've lost your but privileges forever
because you just couldn't leave the buts alone.
-(RADIO STATIC) -(GRUMBLES)
What an idiot.
Come on, let's go! Go! Go! Topher, we gotta move!
So we can go back to high school
and be stuck under the bleachers again? No, thank you.
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
-That's right. -We love this place.
I don't have to be "Topher Bus" anymore.
I get to be Christopher Columbus.
And you know what? Cheese!
It makes some people happy.
Okay, I'm gonna let you all sort this out while I get Confucius.
Do you want me to come with you?
Not this time, Abe. I need to do this one alone.
Okay. I'll save this victory churro for when we're safe.
(CHEWING, GRUNTS)
(GUESTS GRUNT)
(CHEWING, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SQUAWKS)
(SLURPING)
None of the clones are eating my churros!
I could kill those insufferable little bastards!
Sir, forget the churros!
Candide sent a missile to destroy the island!
Gasp!
She wants to kill my beautiful little angels?
What kind of an asshole would wish them harm?
(GRUMBLES)
Here on my console is a heat-seeking
weapons intercept device,
right next to my full cup of coffee.
It was specifically designed to neutralize a missile attack.
To deploy it, I'll simply reach over the coffee cup
-and press the-- (SCREAMS) Shit! -Shit, man!
-Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. -Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
-(ALARM BLARING) -I just need to do it manually.
Shit! Where are all these coffees coming from?
They must be from Glen the janitor!
Oh, yes, sir. Definitely Glen.
-♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(BIRD SQUAWKS)
-(CROWD SCREAMING) -(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Hey, is there a missile coming to blow up the island
-or is that a hoax? -What?
Wait, wait, wait, why you asking him for?
Confucius can't predict the future, that's my thing.
I'm just going by what it says on this mug.
I paid $40 for this.
Sorry, you should get your money back.
I don't know anything.
I'm just your classic teenager in a racist costume.
I mean, he doesn't even know
if his girlfriend still likes him.
Meanwhile, I'm Nostra-freaking-damus over here!
Well, is there a missile coming?
A missile? Missile coming. Right.
-Is there a missile coming? -(PANTS)
Everybody move! There's a missile coming!
-(CROWD GASPS) -There's a missile!
I was saying that!
-I said there's a missile. -(CROWD SCREAMING)
I predicted it. Oh my God! There's a missile?
Joan! You came for me.
What's that supposed to mean?
I've just been so worried about losing you,
I haven't been able to think straight.
But the fact that you're here, now, means everything.
Of course I was gonna come for you.
Now let's get off this island!
Right. We have to find the others!
It's okay, I already got everybody.
Oh. Okay. Uh, like everybody?
Yeah, they were, you know...
they were just on the way. I... I saved the best for last.
(SMOOCHING)
Oh! You got a little racism on your face.
(ROCKET FIZZLES)
Dang it! I didn't mean to set off
those pathetic little bottle rockets.
Impact in T-minus 15 minutes.
Quick thought, maybe we, um, leave.
And let the clones die out here?
Weren't you always planning for them to die here?
People change, okay?
My life is meaningless without them.
There's so much more to teach them. To show them.
I mean, they haven't even seen the epic fireworks display
we prepared for tonight. (GASPS)
That's it! If I redirect our entire arsenal of fireworks,
maybe I can intercept that missile
and save Cloney Island.
Looks like the lightshow's starting a little early tonight.
(BUZZES)
♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You made it!
Do we have everyone?
If you mean a bunch of tourists and clones we don't know? Yes.
I don't care how long the boat trip is,
I'm not learning their names.
So much for meeting someone new this summer, huh?
I know enough people.
How'd you get the Bleacher Creatures back?
Ah, we told them escaping death
is the kind of thing that can bond people.
And that actually worked?
Well, it certainly made us look at each other differently.
♪ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'll be honest, I never thought I'd see you again.
Guess you could say we had a...
-Change of heart. (LAUGH) -...change of heart. (LAUGH)
-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -(BOTH LAUGH, SIGH)
Inside joke.
Time to shove off, y'all! Let's get this sub in the tub!
-Wait, where's Abe? -♪ (TENSE MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
We thought he was with you.
There he is! He's asleep on the beach!
(CHUCKLES) And it looks like he's sporting
some major morning wood.
What is he doing?
He probably ate a churro.
Van Gogh took one bite and he was out cold.
Oh, my God. Abe!
-Uh-oh. -It's here!
I have to save him.
-But, Joan... -Listen.
Scudworth was telling the truth.
We are fulfilling our destiny here.
But our destiny wasn't written in a history book.
We can write it ourselves.
And in my story, right now, Joan of Arc saves Abe Lincoln.
Joan!
Abe! Wake up! Wake up, Abe! Please!
-What do we do? -We can't leave them!
The missile is literally right there!
The fireworks are coming to intercept it!
-CLEOPATRA: Go! -(ALL SCREAMING)
Can fireworks stop a missile?
If they do, is Joan gonna leave me for Abe?
Oh god, am I rooting for the missile?
-Confucius! Come on! -Oh, no! My 40-dollar mug!
I just want some clarity here! Huh?
-(LOUD THUD) -(CONFUCIUS GRUNTS)
CONFUCIUS: To see the future, look to the past.
♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Grab my hand, Joan. I'll save you!
JOAN: You're the most loveable guy I've ever met.
CONFUCIUS: You're the coolest indie-girl I've ever seen.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-God, I love an abrupt ending. -Me, too!
HARRIET: (MUFFLED) Confucius! Confucius!
Oh my God, I can see it now.
What are you talking about?
I'm staying. It's all gonna be fine! You'll see!
-Confucius! -♪ ("START OVER" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
CANDIDE: It's all gonna be fine. You'll see.
For me. Just me.
And possibly Joan. Who knows?
Time to go!
♪ Can we start over? ♪
Abe! Abe!
♪ Can we start over? ♪
♪ It's over... ♪
Abe!
(GASPS) The missile! The sub!
Joan, you shouldn't have come back for me.
How could I leave without you?
Oh, God, if this is it, I have to tell you something
I've been dying to say for so long.
Abe, please don't. Not until I say what I have to say.
Abe...
I love...
(CONFUCIUS SIGHS)
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪