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Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I don't wanna get all sappy you guys.
Oh, come on.
I love it when you get all sappy.
- Stop, okay.
I just wanna say, I love you guys and you're my family.
So, I don't know.
Happy graduation.
Here is to the beginning of real life, you guys,
and no matter what happens,
I know we're gonna be friends forever.
- We will.
- It's a nice idea, but come on.
- No, I'm with Kelly.
In fact, she's the reason that we met in the first place.
- Oh my God. That's right.
Because you made us sign up for that kickball league.
Oh, gosh.
- I really wanted to play.
- You didn't have a team.
- So you found as many lost freshmen
wandering around the quad as you could.
- And our team lasted.
- Oh, one game. - One game.
- Just one.
- But that was a great game.
- Yes it was.
- Is this chardonnay?
- No. It's rose.
- Oh. - Fancy.
- I didn't know there was anything but red or white.
- Oh, I love you, Kel.
Someday I'm gonna be sipping rose in Paris.
No, no, no, no, no.
Italy, then Paris.
- Fine.
As long as you take me with you.
- You know you're my ride or die.
- You guys, you have to promise you'll come visit with me.
- Oh, I love you so much,
but I'm not driving to Orange County.
- It's like 12 freeways away. - I know.
- Seriously though.
We need to have a plan to see each other, people drift.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Sometimes for good reason.
- What? - Hey.
- Not us.
We're not gonna drift.
- Oh my-
- Okay, you know what?
I officially declare today, May 27th, as
Rose All Day-
- Hey.
- for the rest of lives.
- For the rest of our lives. - Yes.
- That's a little ambitious even for you.
- No, it's catchy, Rose All Day.
- It's our own little thing you guys.
- Oh yeah, we have a thing.
- I'm gonna be a little more
Cranberry All Day.
I have a UTI, too much graduation sex.
- Oh.
- Ayay.
- So, here is to the first annual Rose All Day.
- In May-
- So we won't drift away-
- In Orange County-
- Or have to drive on 12 freeways-
- Even if I have to drink cranberry-
- And that's all there is to say.
- Rose all day-
- In May-
- So we won't drift away-
- In Orange County-
- Or have to drive on 12 freeways-
- Even if I have to drink cranberry-
- And that's all there is to say.
- If you'll excuse me, ladies.
I think I see a potential UTI in my future.
- Or have to drive on 12 freeways-
- Even if I have to drink cranberry-
- And that's all there is to say.
- Freeze.
Hands where I can see them.
You're all under arrest.
- Oh no.
- For being too fucking hot.
- Here we go.
Oh, look how pretty it looks.
Oh my gosh.
- Where's or girl? - Where is she, where is she?
There she is. - Olivia.
- Hi. - Hi.
Wow.
I always forget how big your parents' guest house is
compared to my studio apartment,
which I'm super grateful for.
- Oh yeah.
Well, it's great.
It's temporary.
My parents are actually moving to Phoenix in a month
and then I get to rent the big house from them.
- Oh.
- Oh, they're making you pay rent.
I am so impressed.
Good for them.
How much?
- Oh, $100 a month.
- Wow, you'd think they'd cut you a break
for being their kid.
- Well, I am still paying off my student loans, so-
- Me too.
Yeah.
- So did you guys carpool or what?
- Kind of. - Well, I'm a Lyft driver now.
So I picked up Chloe in Culver,
walked two dogs in mid Wilshire,
did a Grubhub delivery in West Hollywood,
picked up Nat in NoHo and came straight here.
- My God. What time did you leave?
- She picked me up at 6:30 this morning.
- But I only charged you for the first five miles.
- I know, it's such a deal.
What's in the box, Kel?
- Oh, okay.
You are looking at the newest beauty consultant
for Pure Truth Beauty.
- I've never heard of it.
- Apparently they're really big in Norway.
- Yeah, get ready to hear
how many chemicals are poisoning your face right now.
- Well, I'm actually not really wearing any makeup, so-
- Oh, right.
I always forget how perfect you are.
Kidding, love you.
- Oh, Clo,
I thought maybe we would save that for the toast.
Yep, or not.
That's fine.
- Liv, don't quote me on this.
- Yeah, I won't.
- There's something like 20 to 45 toxic substances
in most moisturizers,
which is a leading cause of face cancer.
- Hold on. There's face cancer?
- From toxic moisturizers.
- Yes, well, I'm so excited to try it.
- Perfect.
Okay, so this is a masque called Dirty Diana.
Well, all the products are named
after Michael Jackson songs.
- Is that really legal, though?
- Sure.
I mean, I guess.
I don't know. Here-
- Oh, okay.
You know what?
Let's save that for when everyone else is here.
Right? It's a great idea.
But I'm so excited.
So excited.
- It doesn't have animal poop in it, does it?
- Gross.
No.
- Throw me a jar.
Okay, they don't list any of the ingredients
on the packaging.
Now I know that's illegal.
- Well, Norway has different laws.
Plus, they are a more trusting people.
We could learn a thing or two from the Norwegians.
- Name one other thing you know about the Norwegians.
- They're next to Finland.
- Are they?
- Aren't they?
- How about everyone there
is automatically registered to vote.
They have pledged to become climate neutral by 2030
and their healthcare system is based
on the principle of universal access.
- See? Told you.
More trusting people.
- Hello.
Who's ready to party?
Rose All Day, ladies.
Can I get a woop-woop?
Okay, well.
I thought more of us were here, so-
- Just us.
- Well, I am ready
to party.
- Thank you.
- I just wasn't sure if you wanted us to respond
and then I feel like we just made it awkward for you,
so yeah.
- That's okay.
- Hey babe, your boobs are wet.
- Oh yeah, look at that.
Time to pump and dump.
- Does pumping make you have to go to the bathroom?
What?
- Pump and dump?
- Oh, oh, oh no, gross.
No, I just, I started drinking
as soon as I pulled into Liv's driveway,
and the booze goes straight into my milk.
Sorry,
are we-
- Toasting?
Yeah, apparently when everyone gets here.
- So you can make mixed drinks out of those things, huh?
- Oh yeah.
You don't even wanna know all the crazy shit
that happens to your body after you've given birth.
No one tells you you're gonna piss your pants
for the rest of your life.
So what's up Clo?
You president yet?
- Yeah, I love when you joke about that
like it's something that could never happen.
- Oh, that's not what I meant.
You know you always have my vote.
- Great.
Primaries are in two weeks.
- The what?
- The primaries.
Oh my God.
The primary elections.
- Yes.
The top two candidates advance
to the general election. - General election, yep.
- In November. - In November.
Okay, great.
Well, great.
Just hit me up then.
That gives me plenty of time to get registered.
- You are not registered?
- No, no, no.
I was kidding.
I'm kidding.
I am registered.
Mm-hmm.
I am, yes.
'Cause I care about the issues.
Ah.
- You know,
change.
Sure.
- And all also healthcare.
And also Prop C.
- Oh, stop. - Okay, sorry
- Stop talking.
- Woo.
I hope that's the penis.
- Oh my God, what? - What?
What are you talking about?
- Did she just said, "Penis"? - What did you do?
Oh my God, you're gonna hurt yourself.
Please don't hurt yourself.
- Look at her go.
- What kind of penis?
- Where do you want your dick?
- Next to the bush.
- In a condom, preferably.
- In jail for tax fraud.
- You could just put it right here by the pool.
But not too close.
We need room to suck from the tip.
Surprise, my treat.
- Oh my...
There is a large ice penis in my backyard.
- How did you pay for that thing?
- Well, one of the women I rent errands for,
she owns the company.
- That's so lucky for us.
- Is it too much?
- No babe, it's fine.
We'll all just pretend
we're on a spring break reality show trying to win a date
with a guy named Blaze.
- Hey, I auditioned for that,
but they had only one spot for an Asian
and Yuki Kimura was way more Asian than me.
- I love Yuki.
It's a shame they sent her home
'cause she wouldn't hook up with someone.
She was at a total disadvantage
because she wasn't fluent in English.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thanks. - Thank you for your input.
- Bullshit if you ask me.
- Sure.
Should have cast me.
- Oh, there she goes. - There it is.
- Well, I start on Monday.
That's exciting.
- Kind of.
It's just another office assistant job.
- Oh, I miss my job.
- Oh, you have the most important job ever now.
- Okay, I wouldn't say the most important job.
- Well, of course you wouldn't.
- What, you think changing diapers is more important
than immigration reform or equal rights?
- You think that's all I do?
- No.
But, to Kelly's point,
what you do now is a lot more impactful on our world
than what you used to do, right?
- Wow.
- You know, being the top Bloomingdale's buyer
was impactful, Chloe.
I decided the fashion trends for upper class women
in every major metropolitan area, okay?
So, we can't all be Alexandra Casio Ortez.
Am I right?
- Ocasio-Cortez.
- What?
Forget it.
- You know, I do miss your discount, though.
- Oh God, tell me about it.
This is TJ Maxx bullshit.
Which is actually fine because it smells like baby puke.
No, Kelly. Kelly.
Don't smell it.
Liv, you were the smart one for never wanting kids.
- I never said that.
- Yes you did.
All the time in college.
- Okay. Well, that was a really long time ago, so-
- Well even just last year
when I asked you to be Zoe's godmother, you were like,
"This is the closest I'll ever get to being a mom.
Thank God."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Remember when I did your online dating profile,
and you had me filter out every guy that had kids,
who wanted kids or liked kids.
- That's right.
Oh, or when you helped raise money for male birth control-
- Right, okay, yes. Fine.
I might have mentioned it one time.
People change.
- Sure. - Okay.
- Totally.
Remember when I went through that commune phase?
That was crazy.
That was a cult.
- But it was almost on an episode of Dateline.
So close.
I know, that would've been big for you.
Something to be proud of.
- I don't think so. No.
- Oh, sorry.
Hold on, I gotta take this.
Hi. What's wrong.
She pooped in the bathtub.
- Okay. So clean it up.
How?
- Zoe, Zoe, hi Zoe. - Zoe, Zoe.
- Hi, little baby.
- You cannot see this.
- Hi, baby.
Did you poop in the bathtub?
- You did the poops.
What do I do with the poop?
- Oh, what do you mean?
How do I get it out of the bathtub?
And then, do I put it in the toilet or the trash or what?
- Just use a cup or something.
Not one that we drink out of.
I'm sorry.
I got it. Let me just go on real quick, sorry.
Michael, how many times did she poop in the bathtub
before you noticed?
- Hi. - Hi, good to see you.
- Hashtag Mom Life.
- Hashtag No Thank You, right? - Hey.
Hey Paige.
- Ladies, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm still on London time.
Wow.
This reminds me of my last layover in Reykjavik.
- Cause everything is frozen?
- Yes.
And Icelandic men have huge, slippery cocks.
- They do?
- Kelly.
Where is Gwen?
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me she's not coming
'cause she's still about the Tom thing.
We barely slept together months before they even met.
- Yeah.
For someone who schedules
forgiveness time into their journal,
that girl can hold a fucking grudge.
- I'm sure she's let that go by now.
- Really?
Because the last time we were together
she made a point of encouraging me
not to breathe and stretch.
- Yikes.
That is bad.
- Yeah.
- Hey Kel, where'd you get the clippers?
- Well, I always carry a pair in my purse.
- That's great.
I'm sorry.
Could you literally do that, I don't know,
anywhere else please?
- Sorry, is it grossing you out?
- No, no, no, no.
It's not, it's just the sound.
- Oh, right.
- Your...
What's it called?
- Misophonia.
- Misophonia, right. - Yeah.
- I remember one time I was in your apartment chewing gum,
you almost threw me out the window.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'll just bite the last one off.
- Oh God, no.
Please, don't do that.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry. It's weird, it's weird.
But it is a legitimate condition, I swear to God.
There are just some sounds that fill me with a rage
that I cannot explain.
- Well, I understand.
Well I don't, but no more clippers or gum or skateboards
or silverware clinking or...
What's the other one?
- Sniffing. - Sniffing.
- And eating sounds.
- And leaf blowers and car horns.
- Wrappers of any kind,
people that drag their feet when they walk.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm so me.
- It's fine.
We're used to it.
- Oh, so nice to be in one place for a while.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I love being a stewy, but I don't know.
Sometimes I envy people like you.
- Aww, you're so sweet.
- Like you Kel, perfect example.
You just wake up every morning
and run errands for other people with important jobs.
No stress.
No traveling off to exotic countries every other day,
or being hit on constantly by first class passengers,
or having to squeeze in an ab workout during a layover.
You guys can totally just let your bodies go
and it doesn't affect your jobs at all.
- So I've totally let myself go.
- Your abs do look great.
Part of the job, darling.
- Having great abs is part of being a flight attendant?
- You want the good shifts? Yeah.
I mean they don't outright say it but,
no it's complicated.
- Sounds pretty simple to me.
- I have to stay in bikini shape.
It's kind of my thing.
I take a bikini selfie in every new city I go to.
- She does.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- I have stood in front of the Oscarsborg Fortress
in dead winter wearing nothing
but a pink g-string and earmuffs.
- I remember that one.
So cute.
- That's my favorite.
- And that's related to your job, how?
- I have over 20,000 Insta followers.
- Oh Jesus.
- Okay. Well, whatever.
I'm trying to get my own political travel show on YouTube.
- Oh, oh great.
Great. Just what we need.
Another person who thinks they understand politics
feeling like they need to share their opinion
with the masses.
- Are we talking about me or you?
- Yeah, let's go back to political travel shows.
- Yes.
So, I'm gonna travel the world and interview people
about what it's like
to be a young, black conservative republican like me,
prove that climate change is a hoax,
that kind of thing.
- Right, while wearing a bikini.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm having trouble 'cause there's just so many things
to be offended by.
I just don't know which one to pick.
- Well, I'd watch that.
It's good to be educated about the other side.
- Yes.
And speaking of the other side,
since when are you a conservative republican?
- Mainly since the last election,
which was stolen from us.
- You know, I'm not taking the bait, Paige.
But if I did, I would fucking destroy you.
- Hey. What I miss?
- Oh my God. Have you been on the phone this whole time?
- Fucking yes.
Michael dropped the baby into the poopy bath water,
it splashed up into his eyes,
she swallowed some,
and he wanted to go to the ER for both of them.
- Oh my God, are they okay? - Oh no, is she okay?
- She's fine.
I mean, you know how many times I've swallowed baby poop
in the last 18 months?
- No, please don't tell me.
At least once a month.
- Oh.
- I mean, the point is, it's baby poop, Michael.
I mean, so what?
So you'll put your tongue in my ass during sex,
but a little baby poop made mostly out of smashed pears
gets on your face and you're ready to call 911?
Right?
- That's a lot of information.
- Sure.
Does anybody have any lotion?
- Oh, yes I do.
Actually, in your gift bags.
- Gift bags? - Yeah.
- Gift bags.
Let's do gift bags.
- God, Gwen's still missing.
I wanted to do it when everybody was here.
I put a little something extra in there
for you guys, so-
- She's probably stuck in downward dog position
somewhere in Laguna Beach.
- Right. Right, right, right.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna get them, I'm gonna bring them over here,
so that they're ready when she gets here.
Yeah. That's a great idea.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
- I like Gwen.
Her blog is so inspirational.
- Didn't she start a paper business or something?
- Yeah, inspirational journals.
We all got one for Christmas.
Well, except for Paige.
- Oh, yeah.
The Tom thing.
- Well, I use mine all the time.
- Oh, yeah.
Me too.
Right after I pick some fresh flowers from my garden,
I journal about my dreams.
"Friends,
what's stirring your heart today?
Sister lionesses,
are you ready to roar?
Cause I'm ready to hear you.
Unless my husband saw your tits eight years ago."
- Five.
- I'm sorry, I love her, but fuck me.
Has she always been this annoying?
- She probably says the same thing about us.
- No, come on.
Hey,
let's talk more politics.
Chloe, why don't you tell us your campaign promises.
- Okay, I know you're being sarcastic,
but I'm gonna take it anyway.
Okay.
Thank you so much for inviting me to, insert location here.
It is a beautiful day in the 37th district.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've been moved to-
- Gwen's here. Gwen's here.
We can do gift bags.
- Liv is really overselling these fucking gift bags.
- I'll finish my speech later
when everyone's a little more focused.
But there's this really great part about my plan
to overturn the decision
in Citizens United vs Federal Elections Commission.
It totally kills, so...
Thanks.
- Yep.
- Well,
I for one could use a few cleansing breaths
after that traffic.
Olivia, join us for some breathing.
Oh,
I am sorry I'm late.
I had to stop by the yoga studio.
They had something to give me.
An award.
For 300 days of yoga.
Oh, no thank you.
I don't like alcohol to interfere with my ability
to be totally present.
Did you guys already toast without me?
- Yeah.
Rose All Day, freeways and-
- Yeah, my body does not bend that way.
- Oh, friends.
Well, I bend so I don't break.
Besides, yoga isn't for the flexible, it's for the willing.
- Well, I'm neither.
So Chloe, you wanna pass me that bottle?
Thank you.
- You must have crazy sex.
- I hope Tom knows how lucky he is.
- He does.
- I'm gonna take a penis shot.
- Chloe, do you want to pour me? - Gladly.
Okay, great.
- Now let's go around and discuss our goals for the week.
Who wants to go first?
Kelly.
Share with me.
Before you guys open them,
I just wanna say how much I love you guys.
Oh, shit.
Sorry, one sec.
What?
What does it mean when she's crying?
I don't know, it could mean anything.
She could be hungry or gassy or tired.
When was the last time you fed her?
When you fed her?
- I'm sorry, one sec.
Go on without me. - Oh no, no, no, no.
We're gonna wait.
We'll wait. Let's wait.
- She needs some help.
- Well, I offered to help and nanny,
but only if I could take Zoe on my deliveries.
- No, I mean she needs to stop
letting her emotions control her.
- Gwen, she just had a baby.
Don't shame her for having out of control hormones,
or a stupid husband.
- Well that's absolutely no excuse.
When I am pregnant,
I will stay balanced with kundalini,
through my pregnancy and through motherhood.
- Well, everyone's body is different, Gwen.
True.
But if you take care of your body, it'll take care of you.
- Yeah, or it'll totally betray you
and make you feel like a hollow shell of a human
who can't do anything right.
Right?
I'm pregnant.
I was.
I was pregnant, I'm not pregnant anymore.
I was nine weeks along and I had my checkup,
and I had my mom on FaceTime.
Pete took off work to meet me there.
And I could just tell on the doctor's face
that there was no heartbeat.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know you guys were trying.
- No, we didn't tell anyone.
But we have been trying for two years,
ever since the wedding.
I never found my thing like all of you guys.
You all have these things that you're good at
and you've made these life choices.
I'm just stuck in the middle of nowhere.
And I thought maybe being a mom
would give me something to be great at,
but apparently I can't even do that right.
I know it's stupid.
But I was six weeks along and picking out fucking baby names
and ordering diapers from Target
and now it's just all bullshit.
Jesus, I mean, what if there's something wrong with me?
No.
- Lots of women have miscarriages early on.
My mom had three.
- My friend had two.
When did you find out?
- Yesterday.
- What? - How are you here?
- No, I wanted to see you guys,
I wanted to see you guys.
It's still inside me.
I have to take a pill to make it come out or whatever.
But I'm gonna do that tomorrow, so-
- Shit.
- Well, we are here for you if you need anything.
- Absolutely girl, anything.
I mean, I leave on Tuesday but until then, anything.
- Thanks.
Somebody refill my fucking drink, please.
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
All right.
Baby's fed, husband's a moron.
Let's do these gift bags.
Mama needs some free shit.
- Oh yeah.
- Oh. - What?
- Oh no, no.
No, no, no, stop. Stop, stop, stop it.
Stop it, stop it.
Nobody.
Nobody, gimme that. You, give me that.
What is happening?
- I forgot the aroma therapy.
I'll be right back.
I don't know what just happened.
- That girl needs to smoke some weed.
- I find that organizing my thoughts in this format
really helps me process
and work through a difficult situation.
- I can tell that really works for you.
- It does. - Does it?
- Okay.
Let's just address the elephant, shall we?
You obviously think
that there is some unresolved animosity between us.
But on my part,
I am an open vessel of forgiveness.
- I didn't do anything to need forgiveness.
- Even so, I forgive you.
- Well, I don't need forgiveness.
- Well, I don't need you to need it
for me to give it.
- Great, thanks.
- Okay, back to Natalie.
Reasons why her body did what it needed to do.
- Fun. I'm in.
- Look, guys.
Seriously, I'm fine.
- No, no, no, no.
You're not.
Let's do this. Okay.
10 reasons why Natalie should not want
to be a mom right now.
Okay? I'll start.
Number one.
Maternity clothes suck.
- Two. Stretch marks.
I already have those.
- Three. You're stuck in the house.
- I never go out anyway.
- I got one. Four.
Too much pressure to think of a kid's name
other kids won't make fun of.
- They get made fun of regardless.
- Five.
It costs $100,000 a year to raise a child.
- Shit. Is that true?
- Maybe a little less if your nanny's illegal.
- Six.
You would have to join one of those annoying mom groups
that makes you exercise with your strollers.
- Yeah, I don't have an upside for that one.
- Seven.
You will never pee alone again.
- I do have bathroom privacy issues.
- Eight.
Our world's in the shitter.
Who wants to bring a kid into this fucking mess?
- Okay.
I know that we're trying to cheer Nat up.
But hey, just for balance,
let's talk about reasons to be a mom.
Great idea.
- Natalie, you do not wanna be a mom right now.
Really.
Don't get me wrong, I love Zoe-
- Yeah, I know, I know.
It changes everything.
- Right. But, in good ways too.
So let's talk about those.
We decided to do that, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- I haven't slept through the night in months,
my tits are gonna look like deflated balloons
and my house smells like Febreze and dirty diapers.
- Add them to the list.
- And I just sprung a leak.
- Okay, okay. But come on.
When she looks at you, Morgan.
With that little face.
Yeah.
- That just makes it all worth it, right?
- Sure.
I've never had that thing in me
that's like, "I need to be a mom," you know?
I just see everyone else oohing and aahing over babies
and I just join in out of obligation.
- Maybe that's what everyone else is doing too.
- Jesus.
I never thought about that.
Is everyone pretending like we like babies?
- No.
Stop it.
I love babies.
How can you not love babies?
- I love babies.
And you know what?
Motherhood is a precious gift you fucking assholes.
Shit. My flatbread.
- Something I said?
- Shit.
Shit.
I can't do this.
Oh, I cannot be somebody's mom.
I should not be somebody's mother.
I don't want stretch marks,
and deflated boobs,
and pukey clothes.
Oh.
Damn it, Liv.
You better pull it together.
You still have a party to host.
And a crudite platter to arrange.
- Something smells yummy in here.
Oh.
Oh, hey, come on.
We can still eat this.
See?
Crispy.
- I'm glad you like it.
You think the others are gonna like it?
- Love it, they're gonna love it.
- It looks bad.
- No, it looks great.
- Whatever you do, don't say it tastes burnt.
She's really upset about the bread.
I mean, it is disgusting, but...
So enjoy this perfectly cooked, charred bread.
- Thank you.
- Yum.
- Mm.
- I'm vegan.
- It's so, so, so good.
Really good.
Do you wanna do a shot?
- Yeah. - Okay, good.
- Interesting choice, Liv.
Seems so not like something you'd have at a party.
- Well, I ordered it.
I was gonna get a stripper, but that seemed a little trashy.
- Do you guys remember that cop stripper
from a few years ago?
- Wait, did you know that that was seven years ago?
- Jesus. - Really?
Yeah.
- It seems like a lifetime ago.
- It was.
- He was fucking hot.
- Taylor.
Yeah.
- He was sweet.
- Did you guys date for like two months or something?
- Two years.
- What? - What are you... What?
- Yeah - No way.
Are you serious?
- What?
Paige dated that stripper for two years.
- I knew that, I thought everybody knew.
Nat, you knew that, didn't you?
- What stripper?
- We still text.
I send him the occasional bikini selfie.
- Sure you do.
- Well, does he still strip?
Get him over here.
- Oh no, he's happily married.
Oh.
- He lives in Ohio and manages a Crate & Candle Barn.
- Oh, just imagine.
You could be Mrs. Crate & Candle Barn.
- Imagine.
Me, coordinating table runners and place settings
as the highlight of my life.
- No.
- No offense.
- So why did you guys break up?
- He wouldn't go to church with me,
and he was obsessed with me swallowing.
- Swallowing?
- Swallowing.
Every time I gave him a blowjob,
he insisted that I swallow.
Said he couldn't come if he knew I was gonna spit it out.
Like I was disrespecting his jizz.
- Guys, I've never swallowed.
- What?
- Lucky you.
- No, I mean, I don't seek it out, but come on, never?
- No, no way.
Why would I do that?
It is so easy to just,
just,
as it's coming right at you.
They don't know the difference.
- Well, they know.
- No, no, no, no.
I am 100% with Chloe on this,
because what's the point?
They've already had the orgasm, my job is done.
- Exactly.
How about when they try to talk to you during?
They're all, " Do you like that, baby?
Yeah, do you like sucking my cock?"
- Oh, it's the worst. - It's the worst.
- Like when you go to the dentist, you're just like,
- Oh gosh.
And the more you act like you're into it,
so that they'll come faster,
they take longer because they actually think
you're getting turned on.
- Oh.
Stuck between a cock and a hard place.
- I guess when it means a lot to a guy,
I don't mind swallowing.
I'm sure I've swallowed worse.
- Worse?
Oh, what could you be swallowing that would be worse?
- Okay wait, lemme get this straight.
So what about when he goes down on you?
I mean, there's some involuntary swallowing
that goes on there.
- Come on. It's a tiny bit of vag juice.
There's no comparison.
- How do you know it's a tiny bit of vag juice?
Have you ever gone down on someone?
- I have.
Very little swallowing.
What?
- I'm sorry, repeat. - When?
- Guys, junior year of college.
- Oh, was it the girl with the mermaid tattoo
in your art class?
- Oh, she was so beautiful.
I would've gone down on her.
She always smelled like vanilla cupcakes.
- Okay, no.
Her name was Hailey.
I was going through a bad breakup.
We started drinking and before I knew it,
our clothes were off and we were going for it.
Oh my God.
- Did you like it?
- Everything but the actual thing.
I remember being down there and being like,
"Nope, this is not for me.
I'm definitely not a lesbian."
But I mean, I finished the job.
What else was I gonna do?
Be like,
"Oh, sorry. This is gross.
I'm out."
No.
- Um, yeah.
- No.
Point is,
you should see your doctor
if Michael is swallowing a mouthful of vagina juice.
- Oh thanks, doll, thank you. - Yeah, you got it.
- I haven't given Tom a blowjob since we've been married.
- Man.
I've heard that happens.
- Yeah I mean, it's tough to find the same guy sexy
for that long.
Like with Michael,
he clips his fucking gross ass toenails.
And they're flying everywhere,
and then he just leaves them.
And it's like, "Oh yeah, put your in my mouth right now."
But it's like, you know, you do it.
- Yeah, yeah.
See, we're not quite there yet,
but I can definitely see it coming.
I mean, the only time Nick even tries to touch me
is when he wants to fuck.
I'm like, "Hello?"
- I fucking hate Michael.
- Have you thought about therapy?
- For what?
- Because you hate Michael.
- Oh no, no, no, no.
That's just married people talk.
- Gwen, why don't you go do a penis shot
and some ass over head pose.
Maybe it'll inspire you to suck Tom off
when you get home tonight.
- Well, I'm sure he's getting sucked off
by someone right now.
Oh.
Friends, sisters.
I'm kidding.
We have the perfect marriage.
I put some kale juice in the fridge.
I'm just gonna grab it.
- I actually don't want kale juice.
- Oh.
Who wants kale juice?
- I gotta pee.
- Some light reading?
- What?
- The book.
- Oh yeah.
I'm just highlighting some parts for my mom to read.
- Oh, that's sweet.
I love that idea.
Is it for like a book club or something?
- No, no.
This is a book about being raised by a narcissistic mother,
and I'm highlighting the parts
that particularly pertain to her.
- Hmm.
Oh well, that's helpful, I guess.
- Oh.
I could never.
That would actually break my mother's heart.
- I know.
I'll probably regret it,
but it's part of my healing process or something.
- Only you can heal you.
Your anger hurts you,
not the person you're angry at.
- Gwen.
Shut the fuck up.
Did that hurt you?
- Of course not.
- I know my mom shaped my view of the world,
but I don't think she did it on purpose.
- Until last year,
I had never eaten a vegetable that wasn't from a can.
- Ew.
- What? - Shut up.
- Yeah.
That's how my mom made them.
Honestly, I didn't know that Brussels sprouts
weren't supposed to be mushy with a slight metal taste.
- So you've never had corn on the cob?
- Can.
- Tomatoes?
- Can.
- Oh my God, Kel.
I remember your dorm room closet
being stocked full of canned goods.
I just always assumed
you were some kind of insane doomsday prepper,
but this makes so much more sense.
- Oh, yes.
Might need more blending.
Oh, fuck.
I can never figure out fucking contouring.
Friends.
Sisters.
Hey.
- Yes.
- This is our time to figure out who we are.
- I know who I am, thanks.
- I thought I did, but-
- It's like, okay.
Think about your high school boyfriend, right?
At the time you thought he was everything you ever wanted,
because it's all you knew.
Now, think about being married
to your high school boyfriend today,
instead of the man of your dreams,
who promised to treat you like a princess.
But hey, what are promises anyway?
- How much has she had to drink?
- I think half a glass.
My God.
Olivia.
- What?
Get your butt in here.
- Oh, you know what?
Just ignore the tile, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna replace that next week.
Just close your eyes, close your eyes.
- I like the tile.
- What are you gonna do?
- What do you mean? I'm gonna have it.
- Oh.
Yeah.
Of course.
Thank God abortion will be illegal again soon.
- Is it really so hard for everybody to believe
that I could possibly want a kid?
- No.
Now that you mention it,
I've always thought you would be a great mom.
- Really?
Thank you.
I actually really needed to hear that.
- Okay.
I'm lying.
I never pictured you as a mom, but-
- No, no, no, no. - It doesn't matter.
No, wait. Whatever, right? - Oh my God.
- Oh fuck, sorry. I'm not very good at this.
I'm gonna go get Kelly. Can I get Kelly?
- No, please don't get Kelly. Please.
God.
I was gonna tell everybody today.
And now,
after Natalie
and everybody talking about how miserable motherhood is,
I just...
Paige you have to promise
you are not going to breathe a word of this to anyone.
- Oh.
Promise.
- Oh shoot.
The penis is melting.
I promised I'd put it in Liz's walk-in freezer
if it started to melt.
- She has a walk-in freezer in that tiny kitchen?
- No, in her bedroom.
What?
- Well, it wouldn't fit anywhere else until she moves.
She has 10 major events this month.
Freezer space is so essential.
Sure.
- You promised who?
- Oh, the delivery guy.
He's picking it up at 7:00 for a bachelorette party.
- I'm sorry, what? Wait.
Someone's gonna be sucking on
what we've been slobbering on all afternoon?
- They're getting a really good discount.
- Kelly.
- You guys.
You think we were too hard on Nat?
- Oh God, I don't know.
Probably.
I don't know why I do that.
I really love being a mom.
Zoe's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
But God, when I start talking,
I sound like one of those women
they make killer mom documentaries about.
- You know you love being a mom.
I mean, all your Insta posts are about Zoe.
- Seriously.
- You're probably just still hormonal from being pregnant.
- Yeah.
- I think it works that way.
- I find that yoga and meditation
just eliminates my need for emotional outbursts.
- Oh.
And what do you have to outburst about exactly?
You married a millionaire
who pays for your every fucking organic everything
and never makes you give him a blowjob.
- It sounds so magical when you say it.
Yeah.
- Ooh.
Is anybody hot?
I'm really hot.
I didn't eat.
I didn't eat much earlier,
so I'm really feeling a little...
Oh, woo.
What were we talking about?
- I'm not totally sure.
- So you know, the key really is self preservation.
You only have a certain amount of energy,
so you gotta be careful where you spend it.
You gotta stretch it out.
Are you okay?
- I meant to do that,
because I bend so I don't break.
- Well, thank you for that great tip, Gwen.
- This is fun.
- You guys ever look around and just think
how the hell are we all still friends?
- All the time.
So many people lose touch after college.
We are so lucky.
- Yeah.
Oh, God damn it.
Am I not allowed one day to myself, Mike?
When you go and play poker with your friends,
am I calling you every five minutes,
"Michael, oh, how do I get the garage door open?
Michael, how do I wipe my own fucking ass?
Michael, how do I do this and that?"
What is it that you need Michael, really?
Sorry, ladies.
I told you she likes Cardi B before her nap.
That's what she likes.
I don't,
no, I can't walk you through it-
- Might make a documentary about her
in a few years.
- She's unstable.
- You're so balanced, Gwen.
Seriously, how do you do it?
- See it's just, the key,
I'm gonna tell you, you don't tell anybody,
is everything in moderation, okay?
I'm gonna sip this one glass for the rest of the day.
- Cheers.
I want a burger.
That sounds good.
- Don't you not eat red meat?
- I haven't had red meat in years, but I want a burger.
Don't tell anybody.
- I won't.
- Don't tell anyone on my blog.
- Oh no, your blog, I love your blog.
- I know everyone thinks I have this super glamorous life.
- Because you constantly remind us.
- I'm really lonely, Liv.
I know.
- You do?
- Paige, no one brags that much
about how great their life is
if they're actually happy with it.
- I do keep myself busy with my traveling
and wearing bikinis.
So many fucking bikinis.
The truth is I don't have anything real in my life.
I don't live anywhere.
I don't have have that last phone call to someone
at the end of the day.
This is probably the rose talking, but I envy you.
No I do. - Oh, come on.
- I do.
God chose you to be a mama, Liv.
He thought you were perfect enough to be bonded with someone
for the rest of your life,
so He put this little baby inside of you,
this little seed.
- Yeah.
Okay, that's so sweet.
This is not exactly how it happened, though.
'Cause there was a recall on my birth control
because people were getting pregnant.
So, it's more likely.
- Still a miracle from God.
- Okay.
Yeah.
When I do tell the group,
let's just not say stuff like that.
- Why?
- Well, because it makes it sound like
anybody who can't get pregnant
isn't chosen by God or something.
- We can't try to interpret God's plans.
- Well, that's exactly what you're doing.
- Agree to disagree.
- Okay.
- Oh my God.
When is the wedding?
- What wedding? - You and Nick.
You're gonna wanna do it before you start showing.
- Oh.
Yeah. I don't know.
I don't know if we are getting married.
- Oh Liv, come on. You're not gonna let this baby grow up
without a stable home life.
- Are you talking to my stomach?
- There is a baby in there, Liv.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, I'm so happy for you.
- I know.
- Fuck.
Friends, sisters.
I got the essential oils.
Who wants some ylang ylang?
You want some?
Oh Kel, Kel, Kel, Kel.
Kel, Kel. No, no, no, no, no.
You need to lift with your legs.
Let me help.
I got it.
I'm very, very strong.
- Hey, Liv. We're just gonna throw this in your walk-in
for a couple of hours.
- Yeah. No, that's great.
One of the perks of being an event later,
aside from the coordinated table runners.
- Oh
Ow.
Oh. - Oh.
Are you okay?
- Oh no.
I think it's broken.
No.
Definitely broken.
- Seriously, how much has she had to drink?
- Just one glass.
- It's a very large penis.
- Don't break it. - Okay.
- And if you guys each spend 50 bucks today on products,
you get a free sample of charcoal toothpaste.
Oh, that stuff freaks me out.
- And I could really use the sale.
My parents gave me the money to invest in this
and I promised them that this time I would stick with it.
That this time wouldn't be like the pooper scooper business
or the Herbalife or the Trim Spa or the kitchen gadgets.
Oh, well, I still use my garlic peeler.
- See? That was a good purchase.
- Yeah, I use my personalized ice pick all the time.
Speaking of which, when are they coming to get that penis?
I never got a picture with it.
Oh, 7:00.
We'll bring it back out before then.
Just needs a couple of hours in the deep freeze.
Okay.
This one is called Thriller
and it is for brightening and tightening.
And this one is called Beat It
and it helps get rid of toxins and blemishes.
Is that the one that you put on me?
That Thriller one?
- I think so.
Very tingly.
- That means it's working.
With each tingling sensation,
imagine thousands of toxins and free radicals
being sucked out of your abused pores.
- I don't really want to imagine that,
but thank you.
- Yeah.
I'm feeling the tingling sensation
and it's almost even moving into like a burning.
- Yeah, me too, me too, me too.
- Yeah, you know what?
I'm actually, I'm with Liv on that.
It is burning. Is that normal?
- It's weird.
- Uh-huh, totally - Okay.
Now I'll just set the timer for 15 minutes-
- Shit, this is actually,
really seriously hurting.
Kel, your face is not burning right now?
- Something is wrong.
- Nope.
Feels refreshing.
- No, no, no, no. This hurts
I gotta get this off.
- Okay, no. Okay.
- Kelly, it's not coming off.
Why is this not coming off?
Kelly it's not coming off, it really hurts.
- Guys, come on. I do these masques all the time.
This is totally normal.
- Something is happening.
- Just a few more minutes.
- Oh, oh.
Oh that burns.
- You don't need to wash your faces.
Don't wash your faces.
- No wait for me, wait for me.
- You guys are being ridiculous.
- Are you in labor? Are you in labor?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Give her room people, give her room.
Woman with child, woman with child.
Hey Liv, I'm- - Shut up, Paige.
- Damn, I was just- - I said, shut up.
I don't wanna hear it.
You promised.
- I can't believe you told Paige before the rest of us.
- Yeah.
How could you do this to Natalie?
Today of all days.
- I did not do anything to Natalie.
You guys, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
If you wanna be pissed off at somebody,
be pissed at Paige.
- Okay.
- Well, once we all calm down,
I think we can all agree that this is amazing news,
no matter how or when we found out.
And that our faces aren't really that burnt.
- Thanks, Kelly.
I mean, for the first part of that.
Yeah, I agree.
I'm really happy for you.
- We're all so happy for you
because nothing ever works out for perfect Olivia.
Thank God something finally went your way.
Something which, by the way, you didn't even want.
- The fuck?
Okay, you need to stop right now.
- Oh, do I? - Yeah.
- Do I?
Do I?
You know what?
Hey,
maybe I do.
Maybe I do need to stop.
Stop, what?
Where are we?
Okay, look.
You guys have no idea what it's like to be me.
- You are absolutely right about that, Gwen.
No idea what it's like to be so rich
that I stage impromptu photo shoots for my bullshit business
that my husband totally pays for.
You are absolutely right about that, Gwen.
- "Friends, friends.
Have you had your caviar facial today?
Oh, don't forget to work out 300 fucking days in a row."
- No, no.
Yoga is not a workout,
it is a work in, okay?
I inspire people.
Have you ever tried to help people live the path
or follow their passion?
"Hi, I'm Morgan, 'Michael.'
I'm a mom, and that makes everything I do
so much more important than anything
that anyone has ever done in the history of the world.
But I'm still gonna complain about it anyway."
You know what, guys?
Be the change,
sisters and friends.
You never fail until you see the darkness
in the stars, okay?
Until you let go of what you are
and I become what I might be.
- I hear you, Gwen.
It must be so hard to wanna help people all the time.
- Wow.
So now you're turning against me too.
Okay, I get it.
- No, I'm agreeing with you.
- You know what? Forget it.
Just forget it, okay?
- Why don't we go inside and get you something to eat, okay?
- Why?
So you could just talk about my back?
That you know nothing about.
You know what, you guys?
Just forget it.
- You know what?
I would just like to say that I know what it's like
to have a passion.
- Yeah, you're not the only one with vision, Gwen.
- Thank you.
- We're trying to say that we're on your side.
- I would not go that far.
- You know what?
If anyone should be pissed about feeling unsupported,
it's me.
Have any of you ever canvased for me?
Or knocked on people's doors or volunteered to text?
It's fucking texting, you assholes.
I've invited you to rallies, fundraisers.
You will go to Kelly's polygamy dinner,
but God forbid you waste any of your time
on something insignificant,
like the future of our fucking country.
- Which is in great fucking shape,
by the way. - Oh, Jesus.
- No, you know what? Shame on you.
Just because we're friends
doesn't mean I have to run around town
supporting your liberal tree-hugging,
snowflake ass- - Oh my God, oh my God.
- Political views. - Oh my God, oh my God.
- Oh my God.
Can we get back to me, okay?
I have an image, okay?
People expect me to live a certain way and
here I am,
almost a 30 year old woman-
- Okay, no, you are 32 like the rest of us.
- And my husband of less than three years,
is already out fucking every blonde pair of tits
he can get his hands on.
Which let me tell you, in Orange County, is a lot.
And you.
Oh, you think you're the only one?
You think you're the only one who didn't wanna get pregnant?
But then did want a baby, and then you tried,
but you couldn't have one.
So you shoot yourself up with hormones,
but that doesn't work.
So you get some eggs, but none of those are good.
So we'll just freeze those.
But hey, at least I can have fucking sushi whenever I want.
- Gwen-
- No, I don't wanna hear it, okay?
Especially from you.
And not from any of you
who aren't listening to a fucking word I've said.
- We're listening.
- I'm standing here listening.
- Hey, what the fuck happened to my milk?
- I may have drank it all.
- Ew.
- What?
She was just gonna throw it out anyway.
- Oh, Jesus. - You okay?
- No, no, no.
Oh.
- It's just a little acid reflux, friends.
Nothing to worry about.
Oh.
- I hope no one was looking forward to an evening swim.
- No, I'll clean it, I clean.
Where's your scooper?
But it's very, it's actually very cleansing.
Very cleansing for you.
You should try it.
But that's okay 'cause that was the last of it.
Oh no wait, there's more.
I think might have drank a little too much.
- I'm sorry about Tom.
- Yeah.
He was a total douchebag when I knew him.
I just never said anything because-
- Because you thought I deserved to be with a douchebag.
- What?
No, stop it.
Because I'd never seen you so happy, Gwen.
I didn't wanna be the one
to ruin whatever it was you thought you had.
I thought about it.
Trust me.
When I saw how pissed you got
when I said he'd seen my boobs, I was like,
"Well, shit.
If I tell her he slept with every dumb whore in SoCal,
I might push her over the edge."
So, I kept my mouth shut.
I wore that ugly bridesmaids dress,
and I told him at the wedding,
"You keep your dick and your pants once that ring is on."
- You did?
- Yeah, I did.
- Thank you.
- Maybe you can't get pregnant because of him.
It could totally be his sperm.
- Yeah, he probably has a super low sperm count
cause of all the drugs.
Antidepressants.
- And cocaine.
- Ooh, what?
I did not know that. Shit.
- See?
There you go.
- Probably ruined your perception of me.
Newsflash.
I'm a mess.
- We know.
- I like you like this better.
It reminds me of college Gwen.
- Yeah, me too.
- Can I tell you guys something?
- Anything. - Sure.
- I fucking hate yoga.
- What?
- Wait.
Wait.
So the whole 300 days of yoga was bullshit?
- Oh no. Oh that's true.
Only because I'm fucking the instructor.
- What?
- He's very flexible.
He is.
- Kelly.
Gum.
- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.
- I'm worried about Gwen.
- Yeah, that spiraled outta control really fast.
- Thanks.
- Babe, it's for the gum. - Ooh, great idea.
It was a fresh piece, I will save it for later.
I'm worried Gwen has a drinking problem.
- Yeah and an anger management problem.
And I don't know, probably a chemical imbalance.
This day has been a disaster.
- No, don't say that.
It's early, we can still turn it around.
We haven't even done your gift bags yet.
- Oh, yeah.
The gift bags.
That's actually how I was gonna tell you guys
about the baby.
I put a little picture of the sonogram in there and it says,
"Will you beat my godmoms?" on it.
- My God.
I love that so much.
Can I see the sonogram?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh my God.
So beautiful.
And it's inside of you.
- It's so crazy, right?
- Yeah.
- I know I always said that I never wanted to be a mom-
- You don't have to explain anything to me.
- Thank you.
This is gonna have to be the last time we do this.
Do you ever think that we've all just grown apart?
- No, it has just been a weird and an emotional day.
- Yeah.
Or maybe this is the universe's way of telling us that-
- What?
- Oh my God.
- What?
- I just realized,
I don't think I like my friends anymore.
Oh no baby.
I still love you.
- Okay.
- This makes me a horrible person, doesn't it?
- No.
Is this because I burned your faces?
- No.
Oh my God.
I mean, that wasn't great, but-
- No, it definitely wasn't.
No. - No.
Oh.
So you don't like us anymore, Liv?
- I-
- Honestly, at least someone finally said it.
What?
Come on, is anyone really happy to be here right now?
- I am.
- Okay.
It's not,
it has been an emotional day and that's not,
it's not what I meant.
- What exactly did you mean, then?
- Yeah, not too many other meanings for,
"I don't like them."
- You know what?
This probably should have happened years ago.
- No, no, no, no. Come on.
- No, Liv. She's right.
- Oh, now you're on my side?
- Okay guys, this was very clearly taken out of context,
and that's not what I was trying to say.
I wasn't talking about any of you specifically, Morgan.
I'm just saying that after all of these years,
we have all changed so much, right?
And I don't know,
maybe we're just hanging on to something
that lived in a very special moment in time.
And we should just appreciate that for what it is
instead of trying to force some relationship
purely based on our history together.
I could also be wrong because now that I'm hearing that,
that sounds so ridiculous. - Yeah.
- So who is up for some karaoke?
- Woo.
- You know what, Liv?
You're not that easy to be around either, okay?
You never have been.
But you're my friend,
and so I put up with your
perfectionist, controlling bullshit.
I pretend to be interested
while you ramble on about your event locations
and your edible terrariums.
And then I go home and bitch about you
for two hours to Pete,
because that is friendship.
You hold the rest of the world to some unattainable standard
and you finally turn the fucking measuring stick on us.
You finally realize that you are too good to be our friend.
- I don't think she was saying that, Nat.
- So you don't like my edible terrariums?
- Does anyone?
- No. - No.
- Not-
Oh, okay.
- Got it?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Thanks, Liv.
The guy will be here any minute to pick it up.
- Well, you're the only one still talking to me.
So that's the least I can do.
Oh my God.
Can we just leave it here?
- Paige wants a picture with it by the pool.
- Does she really? Seriously?
Okay.
Yes. Fine.
That will be super cute, super cute.
Okay.
- And then we can watch the slideshow?
- I don't think anybody wants to do that.
- What?
We have to have a slideshow.
We always have a slideshow.
It is tradition, Liv.
- I know.
I just don't think it's appropriate, okay?
Not after everything that's happened today.
- Come on, please.
- Okay, can we just not have this conversation
while we're holding a giant ice penis please.
Oh yeah, sure.
- Okay. - Okay
Keep going.
- Keep going. - I'm going.
- Keep going. - Kel.
- Okay, hear - Okay.
- Be careful.
Careful. - Okay.
- Careful. - Okay.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Well, I have an idea.
How about we get a group picture together
before this thing goes away?
Come on, I'll start.
- Kel, I think maybe we should just call it a day.
- I need by the bikini picture.
- Come on, Kelly. - Kelly, will you take it?
- Yeah, sure. - I can take it.
And that way I can get one of you and Kelly both.
- Yeah, come on, Paige.
Let's get a picture together. Come on.
- I want one by myself.
- Come on, Kelly didn't do anything to you.
Just let me take the picture.
- It's not about doing anything.
I just said no.
- Can you just not be a child for one second?
Just let me take it.
- Okay, it's my business,
so I'm just saying- - It's one picture, Paige.
Oh.
- No.
- Oh my God.
- We have to get it out.
- Who's we? I'm not getting in there
- I'll lose my deposit and my boss will kill me
and I promised I'd have this ready
for the bachelorette party.
You guys.
- No, no, no, no, no. - No.
- No, don't do it.
- Oh my God, that's so disgusting.
- Oh no.
- No.
- Fuck it. - No.
- Okay fuck it, all right I'm going in.
- You too? - What?
- Oh my God.
- Where is it?
- Gwen, this is your fucking puke.
Why aren't you in here?
- I'm still a little queezy.
- Jesus.
- All right guys. I peed in the pool, I'm sorry.
- Oh perfect.
That's perfect, thank you.
- Does anybody wanna take a shit now
just so we can cover all the bases?
- You guys got it. - Lift from under.
Under. - Yeah, you got it.
- Use your legs.
- Will you quit hogging the end?
- Stop trying to elbow me in the face.
- Then move your face. - You move your face.
- Guys, guys, let's focus
so that we can stop swimming in Gwen's puke.
- Well, you're also swimming in Morgan's pee, so-
- Okay, thank you, Gwen.
Thank you for pointing that out.
- Damn it, Gwen. You had it.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just stop yelling at me, okay?
You know what?
It's very slippery.
- Okay, okay.
We need something to hold it.
- The face masques.
Stuff sticks to everything.
- Oh fuck.
I can't believe we're doing this.
- You can't believe we're doing this?
- Hurry.
- Okay.
My hands are burning, they're burning.
- Stop it. Let me get a good grip.
- Damn it do not boss me around,
you're not my mother.
- Well apparently it's my one fucking job so let me do it.
- Oh, pardon me.
- Okay, fine, fine. No one's gonna make fun of me?
Hi, I'm Gwen-
- Oh, shut up, Gwen. - Damn it.
Fucking goddamn stop it, fucking stop it.
Get over yourselves and help me.
Penis.
Now.
Okay, okay.
- All right, come on.
One,
two-
- I love you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- Oh.
- We saved the penis.
- We did.
- So-
- So.
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are we-
- Done?
Yeah.
- It's so sad.
I can't.
I don't know how you guys are holding it together so well.
- I'm actually not that upset.
- I know, me either.
It's the best mood I've been in in a while.
- You know you guys, we don't have to do this every year.
- It's actually kind of a relief.
- Yeah
- No more pretending.
- No more gift bags.
- I love those so much.
- Guys, this really fucking adult of us.
I mean, who just decides to not be friends
with the people they've been friends with for 10 years?
- I guess us.
- Yeah.
- Liberating.
- I actually feel this huge weight
lifted off of my shoulders, you guys.
I think we were all trying to hang on
to what brought us together in the first place.
- Even though we aren't the same people anymore.
- I am.
- Kel.
Be honest.
If you met me today, would you wanna be my friend?
- Well, maybe not today.
- I wouldn't.
- Me neither.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So-
- Yeah.
I will miss the idea of us.
- Yeah, me too.
- Wait.
Where's everyone going?
Home.
- No, come on you guys.
We have to watch the slideshow.
We always end by watching the slideshow.
- Honey, have you been here for the last five minutes?
- Kelly, no one's in the mood to watch a slideshow.
- But we always have a slideshow.
It is tradition.
- I love you.
But Natalie's right.
I mean, come on.
- But it celebrates our friendship and our memories.
And if you guys aren't those people
and this is the last time
and we're not gonna do this anymore,
then let's celebrate what we had,
because it was something.
It was.
- Here's to the last one.
Rose All Day.
In May-
- So we won't drift away-
- In Orange County-
- Or have to drive on 12 freeways-
- Even if I have to drink cranberry-
- And that's all there is to say.