All right. And once again,
the school district requires that uniforms be purchased at O'Hare's Warehouse.
If your children show up in a makeshift uniform from a department store,
we're gonna send them home.
What's the difference between a blue shirt and khaki pants
from Filene's Basement and O'Hare's?
One gets them sent home. [chuckles]
- Was that not clear? I'm sorry. - Right.
Also guys, what did I say about shouting out the questions? All right.
Please have some decorum. Damn.
But the PTA did successfully get Abbott 30% off for the rest of the month.
So head there fast, people.
- [Tariq] That's big. That's big. - [Krystal] Mm-hmm. Right?
- [Tariq] That's cool. That's good. - [Krystal] We did that. Mm-hmm.
You're welcome. All right. Moving on,
we've received many emails about the golf course being built up the street
and what this means for our kids.
Not just our kids.
What about our community?
I know they're trying to price us out.
I don't want my daughter to have to change schools next year.
- [parents] Yeah. - Can we stop it from being built?
People, the golf course is happening.
- There's nothing we can do about that. - [Melissa] Mm-mm.
Well, that's not true. I could pull a Bagger Vance.
- What? - See, I could cozy up
- to whoever their Matt Damon is. - [Barbara] Oh, God.
It's like, I'm teaching him about golf, but really
- I'm teaching him about life. - [Janine] Mmm. Just to add on to that,
- that's a stupid idea. - Okay.
To add on to that, that is a really good movie. It's Will Smith's best performance.
Seven Pounds is sitting right there. Are you kidding?
- I like Elf. - That's Will Ferrell.
- Yeah, Jada's husband. - No.
- All right, so let's get back on track-- - I like Wild Wild West.
Think that's his best movie. We can move on now.
- It is so good, it has its own line dance. - [Janine] Yes.
- No, no. You're thinking of Men in Black. - [Tariq] Okay. All right.
Wait. Wild Wild West has its own line dance?
Does it have its own line dance?
- [chuckles] All right. - [Tariq] No--
Go, Barb.
See? Here we go. Now, y'all got her started.
I literally... I have a gavel. I literally have a gavel.
Uh, yeah, so I got this gavel specifically for the PTA meetings, you know?
I wanted to be like, "Hey, bang, bang, bang, bang, meeting adjourned." You know?
But I have yet to use it
because like most group functions that take place in a Philly school gym,
every PTA meeting ends the exact same way.
♪ Wild Wild West ♪
- ♪ When I roll into the ♪ - ♪ Wild Wild West ♪
- ♪ When I stroll into the ♪ - ♪ Wild Wild West ♪
- ♪ When I bounce into the ♪ - ♪ Wild Wild West ♪
Kick that... Kick. Ah.
♪ Wild Wild West ♪
♪ We're goin' straight to ♪
No.
♪ Now once upon a time in the West ♪
♪ Mad man lost his damn mind In the West ♪
["Hold 'Em" playing]
The US Constitution established the framework for our government
and included the Bill of Rights.
But have you guys ever heard of Draco?
The wizard or the rapper?
Well, maybe the best way to describe him is through a little rap of my own.
Boo!
Fine. Fine.
He created the Draconian Constitution,
and he wrote a harsh legal code
that doled out one-size-fits-all punishments to establish order.
That sounds like my mom.
[students laugh]
[bell rings]
Okay, and we will pick this up next time.
Make sure you finish reading that chapter.
Hey, Brandon. Why are you scratching?
- He dirty. - No.
What do you have on your arm?
Oh.
I am so excited for our double feature tonight.
- I was-- - Ooh. Movie night.
Care for a third wheel?
Oh. It's a Ja-gory thing?
Don't wanna make it a Ja-gor-acob party?
- No. Your call. What are you gonna watch? - [Janine chuckles]
- Dune followed by Friday. - Yes.
I've seen Dune 2 and Friday After Next.
Now it's time to see the prequels.
Mmm. Oh, actually, uh,
speaking of big worms, and trigger warning, #gross,
one of my students in the first period has ringworm.
Well, there he goes.
Chin up, Janine. He lasted longer with you than I thought.
Whoever is in charge of sanitizing this place needs to be fired.
A kid has ringworm.
- Ringworm? - Jacob, come here.
- Yeah. - Nope. Get back.
How do you know it's ringworm? Did you touch it?
Of course not. But it was clearly an itchy red ring, and nurse isn't here this week.
So I just sent him home and sanitized every surface.
- That's not enough. - That's not enough.
Jacob, ringworm is an elementary school's--
Worst enemy.
Maybe you could keep those older kids from touching each other--
- If the little kids get it... - [both] All of 'em get it.
[both] One, two, three.
- Kindness. - Bananas. Thank God.
Last time ringworm broke out, we lost half the staff, and students, too, for a week.
- [Melissa] Mm-hmm. - It was horrible.
Oh, yeah. Well, this is worse than horrible.
I got a date this weekend, Jacob. Did you ever stop to think of that?
And the guy's got a hot tub.
In-ground.
What's the relevance of that?
I can't with this virgin.
I had ringworm once. My second year of teaching.
Uh, it was awful. But, thank God, I've got immunity now.
Barb, you can't get immunity from ringworm.
Maybe you can't, but I did.
Look, circling back to how I did nothing wrong here.
I went beyond district policy. I sent him home before the end of the day.
Okay, well, I have a plan that will guarantee
that the ringworm doesn't spread.
- I also have a plan. - Okay.
First step, contain the spread by keeping certain special students separated.
Isolate the contaminated.
All right. We're going to monitor student behavior--
Perform ruthless surveillance.
And we'll wanna do individual base learning--
Put them in solitary confinement.
That sounds intense.
- Yes. It really does. - Okay.
Look, there's nothing to worry about here, guys.
It's been handled. We're fine.
Well, it better be handled, Jacob.
A hot tub. In [bleep] ground.
[door knocks]
Hey, what's up?
Are you gonna open the door?
Have you washed your hands recently?
I'ma need a verbal yes.
- Gregory. - [sighs]
[Janine scoffs]
Why are you so freaked out by this?
I mean, you teach first grade. It's not exactly a germ-free zone.
This is a fungus, Janine.
It's a whole ecosystem.
Fungi are like sharks, okay?
They're beautiful, elegant, but something to be respected,
nay, feared.
Honestly, you're weird if you don't agree.
Okay.
Thank you.
- [Gregory] Thanks. - [Janine] Okay.
So this isn't a totally surprising side of Gregory,
but it is a bit of a new layer that I haven't seen before.
He really hates ringworm.
Maybe even more than pizza.
But we all have our quirks.
I'd really be way more concerned if he loved ringworm.
'Cause I don't think I can get past that. [chuckles]
And he shouldn't ask me to.
There you go. See?
One of my quirks is getting carried away with my own hypotheticals, so...
Brandon, what are you doing back at school? I sent you home.
Wait here, kids.
I tried to go home, but my mom sent me back.
"Dear, Mr. Hill. I know that's wrong.
According to the district's website,
my child doesn't have to be sent home until the end of the day.
I'm not the one or the two, so please send my child home at three.
Try Jesus. Don't try me. Patricia."
Is this a riddle?
It means I'm here till the end of the day.
But I kinda wanted to come back anyway.
I let JoJo borrow my Switch, and he still has it.
Okay. Well, that's... that's discouraging. Troublesome, actually.
Okay. So you're telling me you let some other kid touch your contaminated game?
Yeah. But to be fair, we all pass it around class while we're supposed
- to be listening to Mr. C. - Okay. This is bad, Jacob.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Come on, kids.
- Charlie's finished. - [Janine] Oh?
Oh. That actually looks a lot like you. So good job.
But maybe some beige, right?
Add some color to it.
Certainly got a lot of those unused.
- Hey, Janine. - Yeah.
The ringworm kid is back in school. It's time to put your plan into place.
I have been waiting for this moment my entire life.
All hands on deck.
Okay. I'll tell Ava.
[Ava through speaker] I'm already on it.
Ava, I thought you said you were gonna stop listening in on our classrooms.
I'm a known liar.
Let's go to work.
[sighs]
All right. Mr. Johnson, we need you to stand here 24-7.
And block this floor by any means necessary.
Oh, I got you.
Nothing's getting past me.
No one is getting past me.
All right. Well, as you can see, our plan is now in place.
Now, we can trust the older kids not to touch each other, but the littles, no.
So just to be safe,
the second floor
is now completely sealed off from the first floor.
And if all goes well, we'll never see those upstairs people again.
[Janine] All kids' hands must be washed at all times.
[Ava] No going upstairs or downstairs allowed.
[Janine] No group activities. No recess. No gym. No library.
And no using the bathroom.
Unless they're supervised.
Well, see, that's where we differ. I say pee where you stand.
- And I say please don't. - This is a complete overreaction.
The upper floors can't go to the library?
Jacob, you're just mad that you're stuck on the second floor
- with patient zero. - Okay.
I love you like a son, Jacob.
But I will beat you down.
Jacob, if it gets down here, everyone will be infected.
We have to protect the entire school.
This is not fair. And it is certainly no way to educate.
You're being real cavalier right now.
Maybe you're infected and that's the ringworm talking.
Yeah. When's the last time you washed your legs?
I do not have ringworm.
Okay, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
[Gregory] No one's home.
- [in high-pitched voice] Gregory left. - Okay.
Enough of that.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
So, you know, we sealed off the second floor. You don't have to do this.
- Do what? - Well--
- Where did you get that turtleneck? - Oh, it was in my drawer.
Why do you keep a turtleneck in your drawer?
I don't know. Times like this.
So what? You're just gonna stay in here?
Pretty much. Yeah.
All right. So,
are we not gonna do our double feature tonight, or? [chuckles]
I would say,
for now, in light of recent news, it's TBD.
- TBD? - It means "to be determined"--
I know what it means, Gregory.
[smacks lips] Okay then.
See ya.
[lock clicking]
[security chain rattles]
Wait. These doors don't have double locks.
[Gregory] I installed the locks myself.
Look, I'm not crazy.
I'm pragmatic.
Why am I so far away?
Why are you so close?
Hey. Where are you coming from?
The lounge. Had to replenish my coffee for the midafternoon slump.
Yeah. Mr. Johnson was supposed to be blocking access.
You'd be surprised what he's willing to do for a wild berry fruit strip.
- [Melissa scoffs] - [Mr. Johnson] Mmm.
Okay. So, not only are you putting all the rest of us at risk,
but you're also blowing your personal goal of switching over to tea.
It's just not realistic.
Look, I made it through the outbreak of '02, '07 and '11 with hardly an itch.
I'm telling you, I'm immune.
God protects me.
So God protects you but not the kids?
Something I've brought up with him many times.
What if I don't believe in God?
I didn't mean that. I do, especially when I fly.
I'm just saying, why don't we leave God out of this.
Just 'cause I'm trying to make a point, but we'll check in later.
Listen, I'm glad you're safe with your God,
but some of us are trying to get into some heavy sinnin'
- this weekend. - Oh.
So please, no more ups and absolutely no more downs.
Right?
[speaks Latin]
The thing about teaching here as long as I have is
I've had everything:
ringworm, chicken pox, mad cow,
sad cow, red cow, blue cow.
[chuckles] Mmm.
♪ Freedom ♪
Yeah, it upsets me that people aren't taking this seriously.
Because I think what people fail to get
is that this hot tub is in the ground, okay?
It's not a Costco operation.
The guy called a contractor.
He came to the house. He dug a hole.
A contractor.
And so a constitution is fundamentally how we coexist together. Okay?
[bell rings]
Hey, hey. Wh-Where are you running off to? Let's, uh-- Let's... [chuckles]
Let's stay here, you know?
Chop it up a bit.
Have a hang. Chill.
But it's time for recess.
- Yeah, that's what's so, um, fire. - Fire?
- Is we get to skip recess today. - Get to?
It might just be safer for everyone if we all stay here
until matters calm down, rash-wise.
- So you're trapping us in here? - [scoffs]
"Trapping" is a strong word.
- But accurate. - Yes, you're trapped.
[students groan]
Guys, this is... this is apparently for the greater good. This is good.
This is ass.
[students] Yeah. Right.
[Jacob] They're right.
And you know why they're right?
Because I taught them to question the system and to speak truth to power.
And the truth is,
yeah, this is ass.
[scoffs]
God, why am I such a good teacher?
Hello? The Atlantic?
This message is for whomsoever is in charge of great stories.
I've got a hot one.
Local hero principal saves downtrodden school from outbreak.
Possible headline: "Ava Coleman Runs Rings Around Worm."
Uh-uh.
Miss Lowery said if it happened again, I'd have to come here.
It happened again.
I don't care. Get out. Get out. Get out.
Attention, teachers.
No child is to be sent to the principal's office today.
Kids, if you want to do crime, now's the time.
Happy Purge Day, y'all.
Mr. Johnson, bring every disinfectant under the sun to my office immediately.
- Mr. Johnson? - [snores]
Are you sleeping standing up again? Hey.
No, George Washington Carver, I invented peanut butter.
[snores]
I'm done with the chapter. Can I go use the bathroom?
Sorry, you're not allowed to leave unsupervised,
and I can't leave the class now.
I don't like it either,
but you don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
You don't understand the kind of pressure my bladder is under.
But I promise, I'll go to the bathroom and be right back.
What am I gonna do? Sneak off and learn something new?
Certainly not if you stumble into Morton's class.
I'm not trash-talking Morton with you right now.
- Why not? - Because you're being worse than Morton.
You're being Draconian.
- Okay. Go to the bathroom. - Thank you.
Living organisms. Tiny little creatures crawling all over your body,
- thriving in moist areas, so-- - [door closes]
[chair legs scrape]
What just happened?
That hoodie?
Gio, were you wearing that hoodie this morning?
No.
- Where'd it come from? - My brother gave it to me.
- I was cold. - When?
- Just now. - Gio,
remember when we said no one could leave the classroom?
Yeah. That's why I texted him to bring it to me.
Bring it to you from where?
What floor is your brother on?
[sighs]
Mr. Eddie, my arm itches.
[whispering] The fungi are here.
They're here.
[Ava through speaker] Attention: Protocol has been broken, y'all.
I repeat, protocol has been broken, y'all.
The perimeter has been breached.
The infection has jumped floors and is now spreading.
We are in full lockdown.
I am currently reviewing the tapes to see which teacher or janitor is to blame.
You just went to the bathroom, right? Nowhere else?
- Yeah. - Oh, thank goodness. [chuckles]
But on the way, I stopped by the first floor real quick
to drop off my hoodie to my brother.
- He was cold. - What?
And then, I returned a book to the library, dapped up Miss Howard,
and grabbed a drink from teachers' lounge. But I swear, that's it.
You were just supposed to go to the bathroom.
You know what's so funny? I actually forgot to go to the bathroom.
Can I go to the bathroom now?
[groans] How on earth could this happen?
My plan was airtight.
- Apparently not. - Barbara's been breaking protocol.
- Barb. - I thought your people don't snitch.
[scoffs] Then why are all my uncles in jail, huh?
It wasn't Barbara, okay?
Somehow, one of my kids ended up with a tainted hoodie from upstairs.
- Somehow? - [Jacob] I'm sorry.
Okay. It is... Guys, it's possible
that I definitely let one of my kids go to the bathroom and--
- Do you just hate me? - I worked so hard on this.
I shaved above the knee, Jacob. Above the knee.
That was so irresponsible.
Oh, yeah? Well, apparently, he had time to also dap you up.
And I him, but I am immune.
Cancel classes and shut Abbott down.
This is going to wreak the worst havoc on this school.
I guess it's every man, woman and flawless principal for themselves.
Send all the kids back to their homerooms. I'll be in my bunker.
I ate all your bunker snacks, by the way.
[scoffs] You don't know where my bunker is.
[chuckles] Well, I ate something from somewhere, buddy.
Hey. Guys, this isn't cool. Don't make Brandon sit in the corner.
No, I moved over here. I don't wanna give everybody ringworm.
Look, you don't have to punish yourself for this, okay?
It's not a punishment. I would have stayed home if I could've.
But I can't. So for now,
I'm just gonna sit here and play on my Switch.
Wish you wouldn't do that while I'm teaching.
I wish you wouldn't teach while I'm playing.
But here we are.
- I'm just looking out for everybody else. - [sighs]
That is what we should be doing. Sacrificing for the greater good.
[chuckles] God, I am such a good teacher that he taught me something, you know?
Everyone, come out.
Everyone.
- Oh, sorry. - Why do we keep interacting?
This could have been an email. A nice, sterile email.
You better be down here with some good news.
Nope. Nope. Day just keeps getting worse.
Or not. I've already submitted this to The Atlantic.
So if it gets worse, it's actually better for me, story-wise.
Look, I know I fumbled earlier.
And I realize now that I was wrong and you were right.
So I think we need to take all of the exposed kids
and put them in a combined isolation class in the gym until the end of the day.
Mmm. Yeah. I mean, that's a good idea.
But who's gonna go in there and watch them? 'Cause...
I will. Unless...
Anyone else?
Well, worth the ask.
I wanted to do it anyway.
Godspeed, brother.
- And, Gregory, I'll take your gear. - The hell you will.
Well, then it's settled.
- I'll be a hero. - Okay. Bye.
[Janine whispering] Go. You got this.
Okay.
Damn. He is so brave.
Better him than me. [laughs]
Might as well be you. You guys live together.
Son of a bitch!
Lord, this day.
Mmm. I can feel the strength of God just tingling through my body.
- Tingling? - Yes, like little angels
dancing on my skin.
Why, look.
God has blessed me with a little red halo.
[Ava] Barb, you have ringworm.
Yes, I do.
[Janine] Oh, God. Barb, I mean,
we could just tell Jacob you can go watch the kids.
Unfortunately, that is not God's plan for me.
- Have a nice day. - [Janine] Wh--
- I think God wants me to leave too. - No, Ava.
Oh, no.
I ran the ship into an iceberg, and so down with it I shall go.
Hopefully... Hopefully no one touches me.
I really appreciate that it's you, Mr. C.
You're a real one.
Thank you.
Bye, Mr. Eddie.
Oh, whoa. All right, sweetie.
Have a good night. Wash your hands.
All right.
So movie night in four to ten days, huh?
It's not so bad, right?
We could still FaceTime.
Yeah. Okay.
[Janine whispering] Bye, girls.
All right.
So,
what movie we watching first?
Um, okay. What about Dune or Friday?
One of them. I don't know. I'll watch all of them with you.
- I don't care. - Okay. Well, we have the weekend.
I got ringworm. It was as horrible as I thought.
But we got it together. [chuckles]
And, look, we even have matching rings, so--
No, no. It's not as cute as you think.
The trick is, if you always have ringworm, you never catch it.
Take that how you wanna.
Yeah, caught it.
But turns out Jacuzzi guy got evicted that morning
for having an in-ground hot tub in violation of his HOA rules.
I said we should go to dinner.
And he said that would be violation of his parole.
So I just stayed home and itched.
I realize now that God was just testing me.
And now he is testing the whole church choir. [chuckles]
But you should see Jacob. Oh.
Apparently, you can't really get it this bad,
but I guess I'm a medical marvel. [chuckles]
I didn't get ringworm, but I did get a tapeworm.
Seafood restaurant next to the gas station.
Got it. Passed it. Worth it.