♪ Why you tryin' to gangbang, little boy? You playground age ♪
♪ Instead of tryin' to set claim ♪
♪ You need to get on the swang ♪
Yeah. Jake, how you like that, man?
Tell me how dope that was.
Uh, incredibly dope?
Ooh, you heard him!
I carpool with Janine occasionally
to reduce my carbon footprint,
and Tariq is there sometimes when he needs to use the car,
which is...all the time.
Yeah, yeah, no, I'm gonna have to run it back for you.
It takes a couple times to get the word play.
Mm-hmm. Yo, you spit, too?
Rap with me, Jake. Oh, no,
that could potentially be very undope.
Baby, his name is Jacob. Jacob.
Yeah, some people forget the "ob."
[ Chuckles ] Is -- Is that
what you're gonna be performing later today?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I got way more, too.
The show is about to be lit, to be honest, man.
The after-party gonna be stupid.
Oh, no, it is an anti-drug
and gang violence presentation for children.
So no after-party.
Tariq's gonna be performing some of his songs later today
at Abbott for F. A. D. E., Friends Against Drug Exposure.
Yeah, he got the gig totally on his own.
I mean, I reached out to the organization,
and Tariq said, "Sure."
Oh, baby, I was thinking.
You've been working way too much lately.
We need to go travel somewhere.
We got that F.A.D.E. money now, girl.
[ Laughs ] Oh, well, I've always wanted to go to Paris.
Ooh, ooh, Paris!
Or, uh, uh, Coney Island.
Oh. We could go out there.
I could get my Joe Chestnut on,
you know, chow down on some Nathan's.
You know, om nom nom nom nom.
Yes, yes, yes, but also maybe
focus on the performance today.
You right. You right. Yeah.
We could do that, too. GPS voice: Turn left.
Ooh. ♪ She gonna make a left turn ♪
♪ I be preachin' from the lectern ♪
♪ Lyrics so hot, it'll give you heartburn ♪
Oh, my God! My lyrics don't stop, Jake. Pay attention.
You're on the ground floor of something incredible.
Yeah, it definitely feels like...the ground floor.
[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]
♪♪
You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to Tariq,
but you guys get along so well.
Maybe you should come out and get pizza with us this weekend.
Oh, I can't. I'm busy on Saturday.
I didn't even say a date yet.
W-- Oh, I see what's happening.
You don't want to be the third wheel.
No. No, don't worry.
I actually know a great guy I want to set you up with.
Uh, thanks, but I don't know how my boyfriend
would feel about that.
Your what?
My boyfriend.
You have a boyfriend?
What's his name? Uh, Zach.
Zach?
And how long have you two been dating?
Like a year, plus another year.
Jacob, how did I not know any of this?
You've never mentioned him.
Well, actually, I guess I just answered my own question.
I thought you knew. I mean, I could've swore I told you.
My friends say I won't shut up about him.
Your friends?
I thought we were friends.
We are. Yeah, we're friends. We're just, you know...
"You know" what?
W-Work friends.
We don't talk about real deep stuff.
You told me when you got a tapeworm in Zimbabwe.
Um, um, yeah, I was -- I was trying to be helpful,
in case you ever go to Africa.
Look, work friends are still friends.
They're just, like, friends in one place.
Well, I thought we were friends in all places.
We are -- We are friends in other places, actually.
You know, we -- just today we were -- we were friends together,
you know, from my apartment to the school...
[ School bell rings ] ...where -- where we work,
as friends.
I can't believe Jacob didn't tell me about Zach.
I mean, I have so many questions, okay?
Is he tall? Is he a cat person or a dog person?
Is Zach spelled with a "ck" or a "ch"
or, what I find to be the most exotic spelling, just a "c"?
And...I don't know. Maybe he's right.
Maybe we are just work friends,
because a "friend" friend would know.
Okay, eyes up here. Farmer Hank has five turkeys.
Then he buys four more.
How many turkeys does Farmer Hank have?
Are any turkeys pregnant?
Guys, let's focus, okay? Uh, you know what?
We're gonna do more math drills.
[ Students groan ]
Statewide assessments are coming up.
It's a necessary evil.
They say not to teach to the test,
but if that were the case,
they wouldn't give tests, would they?
Six plus seven?
All: 13!
13 minus 6? Can we please take a break?
Is everything okay?
I-I didn't see your class at morning recess.
Yeah, yeah, no, everything's fine.
Kids, turn to page 13 minus 6.
Seven.
So, the whole class is underperforming,
specifically in math, so we're taking time in recess
to practice to get those scores up.
Well, you know it's always been my thought
that if one child fails...
Mm-hmm. ...it's on the child.
Right. But -- But if all of the children fail,
it's on their teacher.
If there's something I'm doing wrong
or if it can be improved upon,
I am more than happy, uh, to take some pointers.
Wonderful. Lunchtime.
You and me.
Yes. Sure.
I am more than happy to give up some of my free time
to gain knowledge and better myself.
[ Chuckles ]
I still didn't get my answer. 13 minus 6?
[ Students groan ]
That "uh" better be you thinking.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Well, looks like I'm not eating today,
'cause if you think I'm getting this hair wet, mnh-mnh.
Yep, it's gonna be vending-machine lunch. Oh.
Well, look on the bright side.
Now we get to all stay inside and have lunch together,
which will be nice because, despite what some people say,
we all love each other, like one big, happy family.
Ugh, what are you talking about?
I told her we're work friends, and now she's doing this.
Well, we are work friends. What's the problem?
Uh, no. No, no, no, we are a family.
[ Mockingly ] "We're family."
Enough with that Dominic Toretto rhetoric.
Th-There's a reason that there are nine of those movies.
Honey, family you kill for.
I ain't killing for any of ya. Except Barbara.
Look, we come here, we love our kids,
we exchange some delightful repartee.
We are good colleagues.
And then we leave. There's nothing wrong with that.
But I just feel like it doesn't have to be that way.
Girl, this ain't a sorority.
I'm not shoplifting Plan B for you.
See, this is what people are trying to avoid.
I know. I just think we should spend the time
to get to know each other better.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Oh, they may not want to share,
but I have ways of making people talk.
[ Thunder crashes ] Mm.
I have enlisted the help of one of Abbott Elementary's finest.
Now, come on, come on. Show us what you got.
[ Clears throat ] What, here?
Yeah! Yeah, here. Get this kid.
Of course here. Come on. Teach us something.
Uh, alright.
Um, Farmer Hank has seven turkeys, then he buys six more.
How many turkeys does Farmer Hank now have?
Hmm. Is one of the turkeys pregnant?
One of my kids asked the same thing.
Because it's a good question,
and it shows that they're using critical thinking.
It's irrelevant.
No, it might be silly to you,
but to them, it might be an important question
that, if they don't get it answered, they can't focus.
And diversions are an important part of learning.
Otherwise, they're just memorizing.
Memorization is how I learned all the states' capitals.
Juneau, Salem, Madison. I can keep going.
In my class, we do silly voice time
to, you know, break up the day.
[ High-pitched voice ] And it makes learning more fun, too.
Okay. [ Laughs ]
Follow my lead. Here we go.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
What's happening?
Oh, come on, now, son.
Moving those hips a little, it is not going to kill you.
Now, let's do this math problem again.
Oh, what's the turkey farmer's name?
Hank? Yes!
Alright.
♪ Hank has two turkeys ♪
♪ He gets two more ♪
♪ How many turkeys? ♪
♪ Hank has two turkeys ♪
♪ He gets two more ♪
♪ How many turkeys? ♪
[ Off-key ] ♪ He has four ♪
[ Laughing ] Ah! Yes! [ Silly voice ] Or six if one of the turkeys
is pregnant with twins. [ Silly laugh ]
[ Normal voice ] See? Who told you learning can't be fun?
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Hey, guys.
Oh, you look a m--
Wait a minute. [ Sniffs ]
What is that smell?
Is that...
Danny Wok's makes the best chicken in all of Philly.
I don't know what Danny puts in that chicken, but it woks.
Mmm, that was very thoughtful of you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
If you want the "Wok"... [ Thunder crashes ]
...you gotta talk.
Okay, so, I thought we all could play a little game
to get to know each other better. [ All sigh ]
This text said that you had Danny Wok.
That's the only reason I'm here, Dork Dash.
It's a simple, fun game where we write down a little fact
about ourselves on these cards,
something you think no one else knows.
Then the cards are shuffled,
and we try to figure out who each secret belongs to.
It's so fun.
When do we get the chicken? When you tell a secret.
My cousin turned down the hit on Bobby Kennedy.
Not that kind of secret, and we write it down.
Janine, please, just give me the food.
Guys, you get the wings when you say the things.
Okay.
[ Indistinct whispering ]
Don't love being left out of huddles.
Okay.
Oh, I can feel us getting closer already.
Okay, Sister Sledge, let's get this over with.
Alright, so, "I once drank three cups of coffee,
thinking it was decaf,
and started tap-dancing in front of my students"?
Melissa: Wasn't me. Okay, I no longer
keep tap shoes in my classroom. Janine: Okay.
"I won a bronze medal for hammer throw in the 1976 Olympics."
What can I say?
The rumors about the Olympic Village are true.
Let's move on.
"I once impersonated Jill Scott
to get free bottle service at Xfinity Live!"
You don't even look like Jill Scott.
To white people in South Philly I do.
[ Cellphone vibrates ] Sorry, I got to take this.
Okay, hurry back.
Hey, Pop.
Gregory... you get a chance
to look at those job listings I e-mailed you?
You know, I-I haven't -- I haven't gotten around to it yet.
Get around to it.
When you gonna quit your babysitting gig,
get yourself a real job?
You know who else could teach a first grader?
A second grader.
[ Chuckles ] That's funny, sir.
I actually, um, applied to a few other principal jobs at other schools.
I'm just waiting to hear back.
Why don't you come work at the landscaping company with me?
This school idea, I don't get it.
You've been trying to become a principal
since you left college.
Come do a real man's job. Time to grow up, Gregory.
[ Clicks tongue ] I will consider that, sir.
I'll take it. [ Chuckles ]
Alright.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Sighs ]
You loved "Green Book"?
It is a well-made film, okay?
Do I think it's the most astute observation on race relations?
No. But did I cry at the end? Almost.
Okay, um, Gregory, why don't you pull a card?
Uh, I think I'll pass on this one, thanks.
Okay, no chicken for you.
Alright, so I'll go.
This mystery person says,
"I've been dating my boyfriend since eighth grade."
[ Chuckles ] Ooh, I wonder who this could be.
Wait, like, off and on?
Well, who says it's me? But, no, just on.
The whole time? Yeah.
But you've dated lots of other people? Nope.
Why are you all looking at me like that?
Janine, sweetheart,
you have only dated one man your entire life?
Yeah.
No women? Nobody else, ever?
That just answers so many things. I mean...
[ Laughs ] Somebody get me a chair.
[ Laughs ]
[ Thud ]
Is -- Is the guy rich?
No, not monetarily. He's an aspiring musician.
So he broke? Somebody get me a fresh chair.
Look, you don't know Tariq.
He's sweet. He's caring. He's ambitious.
Jacob knows.
Oh, I've...
He's very spirited.
Spirited?
I could use a little bit more help than that, Jacob.
You know, he's...confident.
And, um, he's a real extemporaneous thinker.
Barbara: Hmm!
I-I'm still getting to know him, I guess.
Et tu, work friend?
You were beatboxing with him this morning.
Did that mean nothing?
[ Beatboxing ]
One joystick. [ Imitates record scratching ]
Wait, does that mean that you're, like, secretly Mormon?
No. Oh.
You should be 'cause you need more men.
Can I get it? [ Laughs ] Barbara!
I'm sorry, Janine, but that was actually very clever.
Look, this is the man I'm going to marry.
Janine, when people get married, they try a lot of cakes.
Have you had two slices of cake at one time?
I can tell you, when I was at the Olympic Village...
You know what? He is a good guy, and I love him.
But how do you know if this has only been the one guy? But haven't you ever worri-- wondered,
like, what -- who else is out there? I mean, you've only...
Janine, you need to grow up.
The whole time, one guy? Ohh!
Oh.
Oh. Hold on. You're gonna get drenched.
Thanks.
You okay?
Yeah, are they still in there making fun of me?
It's only been a few seconds, so, yeah, probably.
Look, you can't care about
what other people think about your choices
'cause, at the end of the day, you're the one
who got to live with them.
My dad doesn't want me to be a teacher.
What?
But teaching's the best job in the world.
Well, Lieutenant Colonel Martin Eddie
doesn't see it that way.
But it shouldn't matter what he thinks, right?
It should be about what makes me happy?
Does teaching make you happy?
It could.
Does Tariq make you happy?
Hey! What y'all doing out here?
It's raining harder than an Usher video!
Um... We're just here to greet you.
I'm Gregory. Oh, what's up, Gregory?
Are you the talent handler?
Sure.
I need some bananas in the green room.
[ Vocalizing ]
Hey, baby. Hey. [ Clears throat ]
Everything okay? You seem off.
Uh, yeah. No, I'm just nervous for you.
Don't be nervous. This is gonna be like
when Lil Nas X performed at that school.
Mm. Except it's not a surprise,
and they don't know the words, and I'm very straight.
But come on, come on. Bring it in. Yeah.
Okay.
Lord, thank you for giving me this opportunity
to blow the impressionable minds of these young children.
Amen. Amen.
Okay. Alright, come on.
Oh, yeah, get it, get it, get it, hey, let's go, go!
Okay, I love you, baby. I love you, baby.
Let's get it! Yeah!
Yeah, it's really hard breaking into the industry right now.
Nobody's in that anti-drug, anti-alcohol lane, you know?
Don't nobody rap about stuff that's good for you.
You never heard a song called, like..."Broccoli."
Except that one song called "Broccoli,"
but that's still about drugs, so -- Uh-oh.
Stage manager pulling me away, y'all.
Tour life. You feel me?
Hey, you got them Tastykakes, my man?
I'm a girl!
Uh, okay, shawty, where is my dessert?
[ Chuckles ]
Make some noise, Abbott Elementary!
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!
Let's get it going!
Yo, yo, yo, drop that beat.
♪ Crack, weed, dope, meth, y'all don't want no smoke ♪
♪ Oxy, Percs, Vic, bleep them pills, you don't wanna choke ♪
♪ Stay in school and stack them M's, bleep you can get a boat ♪
♪ I'm bleeping your girl on a Jet Ski, bleep, bleep, bleep ♪
♪ She tryna float ♪ This is the one?
♪ Let's go, okay ♪ You know what?
♪ Yeah ♪ I kinda get it.
♪ Ugh ♪ He got bars.
♪ Hey, kids, don't be hypnotic, the flow is iconic ♪
♪ I touched that girl once, now she feeling aquatic ♪
♪ Drugs are a no-no, we ready to go-go ♪
♪ Don't sling weed, it'll make you a slow-poke ♪
♪ Oh, my God, I'm feeling lucky ♪
♪ Spending that bleep like it's funny ♪
♪ Did you know shrooms hurt your tummy? ♪
♪ Bleep that bleep, we getting money ♪
♪ Like fifties and hundreds ♪ Yeah!
Come on! Get your little hands up!
Yeah! Yeah, get your tiny hands up!
Okay! Alright, okay.
Hey, Janine.
Bounce, bounce, yeah.
Hey, I-I would like to apologize
for saying that we're just work friends.
We are totally friends. You know that, right?
I know. If I were just your coworker,
would I know you like to fall asleep
to "Last Man Standing" every night?
Hey, Tim Allen and that family
have gotten me through some dark times.
Yeah, "Last Man Standing" is basically your "Green Book."
But why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend this whole time?
I don't know. I --
I think I thought
if I kept you out of my relationship business,
I wouldn't have to weigh in on yours.
Yeah, Abbott Elementary, y'all don't hear me, man!
Y'all don't hear me, Abbott Elementary! Hold on!
I need y'all to pay close attention, Abbott Elementary.
What if this little stage manager shawty died from drugs right now?
That'd be pretty messed up, wouldn't it?
That was like an artistic interlude.
Alright, let's get back to the music, yeah!
♪ I'm a sober guy, I don't get high ♪
♪ If you take drugs, then you might die ♪
Let's go!
Come on! Bounce, bounce, yeah!
♪ If you smoke and drink, don't come next to me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm high off life ♪
♪ Don't take no LSD ♪
Yeah! Bounce, bounce!
Yeah! Bounce, bounce.
Come on! Yeah!
Open up that mosh pit! Let me see you!
Bounce, bounce!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go.
Oh, let's go.
Oh, okay, I see you, talent handler!
Oh, he going crazy! Yeah!
He going crazy! Oh!
Okay, wow. Gregory dances.
I don't think I've ever seen him experience...joy before.
It's weird.
♪ At the party, I'm taking pics ♪
♪ Do my dance and eat some chips ♪
♪ Drinkin' water, not taking hits ♪
♪ Ecstasy gives you swollen lips ♪
Yeah!
Hey, uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I-I want to do a quick shout-out.
Shout-out to a very special person
and the -- and the whole reason that I'm here.
This woman is my everything, my ride or die since day one.
He means that literally, like out the womb.
To the most amazing second grade teacher
and the most amazing teacher in this whole place
and the only woman I ever been with. Oh.
Janine Teagues, I love you, baby.
Love you, too.
[ Applause ] Yeah!
♪ If somebody try to give you drugs, punch 'em in the face ♪
♪ If somebody try to give you drugs ♪
♪ Punch 'em in the face like ♪
So, um, tell me, as a friend,
what do you really think of Tariq?
I had an ex back home that I was certain I would be with forever.
What happened?
I realized I outgrew him.
You know, it was no one's fault.
But I realized I couldn't be the best Jacob I could be.
Was it hard to let go?
Extremely.
But if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met Zach.
Ah, yes, Zach, boyfriend of two years that I knew nothing about.
[ Chuckles ] He's 5'9".
He loves dogs. He spells his name with a "ch."
Alright, well, that's a start.
I'd love to meet him one day.
Unless, you know, we're not there yet.
I'll bring him around.
Hey, whatever you do, you should know
that I love and support you as a friend.
And, most importantly,
maybe give yourself a chance to be the best Janine you can be.
Let's go, let's go.
Yeah, let's go.
Whoo!
♪♪
Okay, this is gonna be on your assessment, so let's focus.
If there are 12 bikes and Riley buys 4,
how many bikes are left in the store?
Why does Riley need so many bikes?
That is a good question. For his friends.
Is he in a bicycle gang?
Yes.
Then there's 8 bikes left.
That's correct.
Can you do the dance?
What did I say?
You get this right, then we dancin'.
Come on, y'all. Get up with it.
Hey, okay.
Okay. Alright.
Let's go, hey, oh, oh.
[ Children laughing ] Oh!
Hey, oh!
Hey!
[ Laughs ]