[upbeat music playing]
Now, many are dubbing it the wedding of the century
as billionaire tech mogul John Novak ties the knot this weekend
with saucy Italian socialite Luciana Mozzaburrata.
Ugh, that's not a name. That's just two cheeses.
And now I want cheese. Goddamn it.
Now, the couple were planning to tie the knot in the Italian countryside
at a 700-year-old church they've leveled
to build their outrageous new mega-villa,
- Pancetta Acres. - [scoffs]
Details of the wedding are under wraps, but Luciana celebrated over the weekend
with a controversial four-billion-dollar bachelorette party
that took place in space.
- Classy. - The bride posted on X
from the International Space Station,
"Sisterhood in the stars, will never forget this weekend.
Rest in peace, Nicole. We will miss you."
Hey, I was watching that.
Sorry, ma'am.
This is now evidence in our investigation.
I'm not gonna take this lying down, you know.
I'm tough.
There are 72 steps down to my beach in Malibu
and I do it all by myself,
most of the time.
I'm gonna get the public on my side.
I'm a middle-aged woman in perimenopause.
People love that.
["Gimme That Money" playing]
[song ends]
[sighs]
- Sofia. - Petra.
[both chuckle]
I'll never get over seeing Sofia Salinas in a pantsuit.
Remember during Occupy when you got arrested three times in one day?
They didn't even take off the cuffs the second time.
They knew I was coming back.
I'm sorry about what's happening to the Wells Foundation.
Do you think there's anything Representative Watkins can do about it?
We have done a lot of good work in his district.
Well, we can ask him when he wakes up from his nap.
[snoring]
Between you and me, Watkins is on his way out.
He's only 87, so he's young for Congress.
But he's starting to slip…
and fall down a lot.
- Got it. - [snoring continues]
Well, you know I had to try.
We're actually looking for his replacement.
- Hmm. - We need someone young, smart,
with an activist background. Someone people can get excited about.
Hmm. Well, good luck. That sounds great.
Well, to me, that sounds like you.
What?
My anxiety's out of control
and I can't do anything about it 'cause they confiscated my Baoding stress balls.
Okay, those assholes took my Demi Lovato Russian nesting dolls.
She would just get smaller and smaller, and now she's gone.
Okay, I know you guys don't like to do this,
but maybe it's time we finally pray.
♪ Hark heathens ♪
♪ Blood of the Christ ♪
♪ Reigneth down upon me ♪
Ainsley, please. That's not the vibe.
Oh. Okay.
How'd the meeting go, Sofia?
Any help from Petra?
There's nothing she can do. Luciana's holding all the cards.
Oh, is… Is this the end?
[sighs] I'm so sorry, guys.
I… I feel like maybe I went after the billionaires a little too hard.
Maybe if I wasn't so charismatic,
or if I popped less on camera,
or if I didn't have that intangible it factor,
- we wouldn't be in this mess. - No. Stop. Don't apologize.
All this means is that we were scaring them.
That we were doing the right thing.
We should be proud of what we did. I'm proud to work with you.
- Mm-hmm. - [Ainsley] Mm-hmm.
Thanks, guys. That means a lot.
Come on, w-we have to figure something else out.
Look, I don't like this, but what if we find Luciana and John
and beg for mercy?
Just kiss their asses.
Or what if we expose their asses?
Ooh, something toxic is coming. I'm getting tingly.
Luciana is lying about who she is, right?
What if I threaten to expose her at her wedding?
She'll want the day to go perfectly.
Maybe she'll get scared and agree to back off.
I don't know, cuz. She's scrubbed the Internet of her old identity.
There's really no proof.
I'll figure something out.
Okay, team.
It's Hail Mary time.
Everybody, go home, pack your best clothes.
- Let's go ruin a billionaire's wedding. - [Ainsley] Yes!
Oh, I am so excited.
I've ruined so many weddings before, but never a straight one.
Hey guys, Maro's gonna tag along with us.
And, he has something to say,
which is not really where he thrives, but c'est la vie.
Um, hey, everyone.
Thank you so much for letting me come on your little work field trip. [chuckles]
Uh, I never had a job,
but I don't know why everyone complains about it,
'cause this freaking rules.
I mean, you got serious lady,
funny Black guy,
blonde clone,
average white in the rear.
And, I mean, I knew there'd be a gay guy, but he's Asian too.
So dope.
- All right, shall we sit? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Uh… Oh, hi. - Oh.
- I guess, this is… - Um, Maro.
I… We haven't officially met yet.
I'm Arthur.
Oh, my God, of course, Arthur.
[stammers] It is so good to meet you.
Molly says the nicest things about you in her sleep.
- What? I do? - Oh, yeah.
And, hey… [stammers] …are you the one
who put the labels on the smart toilet buttons?
Ah, yes. Yeah, that… That was me.
I mean, that bidet button totally reads as flush, doesn't it?
Brother, I would still be in there if it wasn't for you.
- Bring it in. - Okay.
- Come on, new friend. Come on. [grunts] - [Arthur clears throat]
I'm gonna see what the creatine situation is in the galley.
Cool. [clears throat]
I'm sorry.
He begged to come because he wanted to see a real Michelangelo.
That's his favorite turtle.
I hope it's not too weird.
No, no, no. It isn't.
Um, obviously, I'm… I'm sad that things didn't work out.
But, um, there's more important things going on right now,
and I just want to be here to help the foundation.
- So I'm… I'm fine. - Yeah.
Yeah? Thank you for saying that.
I'm so relieved.
Oh, good.
Actually, I have, uh, been dabbling in some online dating.
- Okay. - There is one service in particular.
It's just for CPAs.
And it's called, get this, uh, Love Potion Number 1099.
- Mmm. - [chuckles]
Like, they… They'd like the number 9,
- but they put 1099, you know? - Sure.
Which is a… a pretty famous tax form.
I mean, it's probably right up there with a W-2 or W-4.
Do you think you're giving me a little too much information?
- I do a little bit, yeah. - Me too.
Uh, we can take off now. We're ready.
- [clears throat] - [Arthur clears throat]
Guys, maybe we should live it up a little and get some food and drinks.
This could be our last time on the PJ for Wells Foundation business.
[sighs] I need something to take the edge off.
I can't believe this is all coming to an end.
Well, I know my next venture.
I'm gonna try out for Dancing with the Cars.
- What's that? - That's what I'm about to find out.
- [gasps] - What would you do, Sofia?
If this all ended?
What makes you ask that?
- Do you know something? - No, I-I don't know anything.
And I don't want to. That's why I'm so happy.
Okay. Well, I'm not thinking about the future, Ainsley.
So, ease up on the questions.
What are you, the Riddler?
Well, you know, actually, despite those question marks on his tunic,
the Riddler deals more in logic puzzles than--
Okay, everyone shut up. Look into your phones.
- That's an order. [breathes deeply] - [PA beeps]
[on PA] This is your captain from the flight cabin.
- We are starting our descent. - Descent?
It's only been six hours.
I didn't know Italy had so many abandoned malls.
Those aren't abandoned malls, Ainsley.
Those are prisons and industrial chicken farms.
We're taking a little detour, everyone.
Welcome to Delaware.
Ew, why?
If we're gonna get Luciana to back off,
we need to prove that she's really Ashlee Kate from Dover, Delaware.
I'm gonna go to her high school,
I'm gonna get an old yearbook,
and then I'm gonna bring it to the wedding.
Okay, slay.
I'm coming with.
Oh. [chuckles] That's so sweet of you, babe,
but I don't want to attract too much attention.
And I don't think they have a lot of this in Delaware.
[stammers] You should take Arthur.
He'll fit right in. He's from Delaware.
Uh, no, I'm from Rhode Island.
It's the same place.
- No, it's not. - Then name one substantial difference.
Okay, yeah, it's… It's pretty much the same thing.
I, uh, I… I will come with.
There's a lot of dead dogs on the runway.
Is that a regional thing?
[bell rings]
[Arthur sniffs]
Oh, why do all high schools smell the same?
Like lemon BO with just a touch of cannabis.
"Home of the Fightin' Forever Chemicals."
- Oh. [chuckles] - [students laughing]
- Was that about us? - I don't know.
I do not like their smiles, their sharp little teeth.
- Oof, I do not miss this age. - No.
- I made so many mistakes. - Ugh. Me too.
Every day, I wore the same Charles Barkley signature cologne.
- [chuckles] - It was called Technical Foul. [chuckles]
Well, I stuffed my bra with scrunchies.
- So, everyone called me bumpy boobs. - [laughs]
Well, thank God that is all way behind us now.
Oh, I don't know.
I still feel like I'm making a lot of stupid mistakes. [chuckles]
Oh, okay, here we go.
Get into character.
I'm Brenda, you're Dave.
- Okay? - Okay.
This is exhilarating.
I always wondered what it would be like to have a cool name like Dave.
Oh, hello.
Can I help youse?
[Molly] Yes, hi.
Um, I was wondering if you had any old yearbooks.
I used to go here.
Yeah, class of 2003.
I was prom queen and my boyfriend--
Sup? I'm Dave.
He doesn't believe me.
So, I wanted to show him an old photo.
Prom queen. 2003?
Wow.
So, you're Michelle Mallorino.
[chuckles] Yep.
- All right. Okay. - Dave and Michelle.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
I've heard about youse.
Let me get you that yearbook.
I guess I have just one other question.
Anything.
Where's your couch?
[chuckles] Excuse me?
[yelling] Where's your frigging couch?
Oh. Honey, Dave, where's my frigging couch?
Uh, it's at home where couches usually are.
Okay. Michelle Mallorino famously got hit in the head with a firework.
Her hair caught fire, her brain got boiled.
So, she went home, laid down, and never got up again.
She's been laying on that couch ever since,
eating scrapple and watching Wheel.
So, either you twirl around
and show me a leather love seat growing out of your ass,
or youse not who's youse says youse are.
Um, okay, well, obviously I am not Michelle Mallorino.
But I… I do wish her all the best.
My heart goes out to her.
- What is scrapple? - It's little pig penises
that we grind down into little hamburgers.
Okay, look, my real name is Molly Wells.
And I'm a billionaire.
Google me.
How about this?
You give me that yearbook, no questions asked,
and I'll donate enough money to your school for a new library
right here, right now.
Jesus Christ.
Look at that. You're loaded.
Like a baked potato, honey.
All right, Molly Wells, you got a deal.
I've got a "dill."
- A deal. - Like, a deal?
- A deal. She's saying "deal." - A deal.
- She's saying "deal." - That's what I said, a deal.
Except, I don't need a frigging library.
What I need is a bigger principal's office.
Real swanky, Jacuzzi, smoker's area,
the works.
Okay. Sure, well, I can donate enough money for both of those--
I'm not building a frigging library!
Don't ever tell anyone I bought that woman a smoker's lounge.
Yeah, and ten tanning beds.
Let's bounce. I think they're having scrapple for lunch and I can smell it.
Italy, here we come.
["Azzurro" playing]
[Howard] Okay, this is the fanciest wedding I've ever been to.
And I went to one in a Benihana's.
All right, you guys, go mingle. I'm gonna look for Luciana.
She's probably hanging upside down in a cave somewhere.
Babe, do you need backup?
Oh, no, it's fine.
I should talk to her by myself.
[softly] Okay.
All right, Arthur, let's get some vino in you, huh? [chuckles]
Yeah, I mean, when in Rome.
Wait, dude, a-are you having a stroke?
'Cause you just did not finish that sentence.
Oh, it's an idiom.
Don't call yourself that.
Yeah, I-I'll ex… I'll explain on the way.
- Uh… - [Maro chuckles]
Has anyone seen Sofia?
I think she snuck off. You know, she was drinking a lot on the plane.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, my God, she's calling me right now.
Ainsley Whitebottom, how may I help you?
Oh, my God, what? [gasps] Where are you?
[breathing shakily, gasps] Oh, my God!
Don't move. We'll save you!
So, that was Sofia from our job.
She just called me… on my phone.
Yeah, we know that, Ainsley. Where is she?
This way.
I need to speak to Luciana.
Miss Mozzaburrata asked not to be disturbed.
Hmm.
Tell her it's Molly Wells and I'm here to talk about Ashlee Kate.
Miss Wells to see you.
She says you can come in.
Thank you.
Well, Luciana.
I just paid a little visit to your hometown.
Skin lesion capital of the world.
Congratulations,
classy place.
Here's the deal.
You're gonna stop
- harassing my foundation-- - He's not here!
- [sobs] - What?
John, he's not here.
He's leaving me at the altar.
[sobbing]
- [Arthur] This place is amazing. - [chuckles]
Um…
Arthur, can I be real with you?
I, uh… I wanna get intimate, uh, even if it crosses some boundaries.
So, do I have your consent?
Oh, wow. [chuckles]
I don't really feel that way about men.
But, I mean, we are in Europe, so I don't know, I guess--
Oh, dude. No, no, no. No, not that.
- [chuckles] - Oh, yeah, no, not that. No, me neither.
No, actually I… I wanted to talk to you about Molly.
Um, clearly, you are, like, the best guy ever
and, you know, it didn't work out with you two.
Yeah. No, that's… That's right.
And I just… I really like Molly
and I really want things to last between us.
So, can I ask what went wrong?
Yeah, yeah.
I-I think I just got overwhelmed by the lifestyle, you know?
The… The parties and the extravagance.
But, here's the thing.
All that stuff, that's not who she is.
The real Molly is generous, and loyal, and fights for her friends
and just wants to make the world a better place.
So, don't give up because she is worth it.
She's so worth it.
Wow. Arthur, that's…
that's really beautiful.
I wish you were my dad.
Oh, okay.
I'm not that much older, but okay. [chuckles]
- [peacock squawking] - Bad bird! Scatter!
I order you as a human being to walk away from me.
- [huffs] - [peacock squawks]
Oh, my God. Can someone tell these monsters to leave me alone?
Okay, everyone, first of all, what are your names?
- What? - Does anyone have any bread
in their pockets? 'Cause I already ate all of mine.
No. Step aside, losers. I grew up on a farm.
Skit, skit! Get out of here!
- Birds are for working… - Oh, thank you.
…not whatever prissy shit this is.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- Scoot, scoot, scoot. - [screams]
Sofia, what are you doing out here?
Well, I was on a walk to think when those hellcocks swarmed me.
Oh, please, you've been weird this entire trip.
What is wrong?
Okay, I didn't want to say anything,
but when I met with my friend Petra, she put an idea in my head.
Oh, boy, I do not like ideas.
She wants me to run for Congress.
- [Nicholas exclaims] - What? Are-Are you serious?
- That's… That's amazing. - Uh-huh.
I know, and look, it's something I've always dreamed about.
I had a huge poster of Shirley Chisholm in my room when I was a kid.
I love Shirley Chisholm.
The woman and the drag queen.
Yeah, but I feel guilty even considering it,
especially with what's been happening at the foundation.
I devoted my whole life to this. I can't just abandon it.
Girl, if this is your dream, you better go for it.
And everyone here will understand.
[Nicholas] Yeah, babe, you would make an incredible candidate.
I only vote based on two issues,
bone structure and economic policy,
- so you got my vote. - [scoffs, chuckles]
You're exactly the type of candidate that should be running.
You're smart, kind,
and willing to help a friend get out of a lawsuit with a lizard store.
- [Sofia chuckles] - No damages.
And you'd have my vote,
except my pastor made us burn all of our important documents.
- [Nicholas] Do you need help? - [Ainsley] It's fine.
We'll just circle back to that one.
[sobbing] I tracked his PJ.
He's over the Pacific Ocean right now.
He's probably going on our honeymoon by himself.
[sniffles, sighs]
I was gonna give out so many boners with my slutty bikinis.
[sobs]
I'm sorry this happened to you.
What?
You're nice to me now? [sniffles]
Or are you just yanking my rod?
No, I'm supporting your rod.
- Oh. - Uh, never mind your rod.
Listen. You might not want to hear this right now,
but this all might be for the best.
No, it's not. [sniffles]
I got nothing.
I got nowhere to go.
[sobs, sniffles] Oh, my God.
What was I thinking?
I'm-I'm just this girl from the Slower Lower.
He's like this billionaire Superman genius.
He's no Superman, believe me.
None of them are.
They're just scared little nerds who are all angry
- because they didn't get asked to prom. - Yeah.
I bet you got asked to prom plenty of times, right?
Of course I did.
Of course you did.
Scotty Roper, hockey player, 6'2",
- hot as hell. - Mmm.
Too bad he's in jail in Afghanistan now.
Long distance relationships are hard.
- [sniffles] - But there'll be another Scotty Roper.
- [scoffs] - A girl like you
who's strong and has the smarts to do what you did…
sky's the limit.
Thank you, Molly Wells.
- You're welcome. - [sniffles]
God, it's frigging cooked that John's the one who screwed us over
and somehow you and me are the ones that end up fighting.
How does that make sense?
That's what these guys want, isn't it?
For us to turn on each other.
'Cause if we do that, then we aren't looking at them.
Hey.
I'm gonna call the White House and tell them to leave your charity alone.
- I appreciate that, thank you. - Of course.
Hey.
You're one of my bitches now.
And you, mine.
[regal music playing on speakers]
Yo! Yo!
- Shrimps down! - [music stops]
Listen up, youse guys.
First things first.
I ain't Italian. That was a ruse.
[crowd gasps, murmuring]
Second thing second, the wedding's off.
- [gasping, murmuring continues] - The groom pussed out,
but don't worry, I got this John rented out all night
and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some rich prick ruin it.
Actually, if you're a billionaire, get lost!
That's right. Tonight, we party Delaware style.
Is that a real thing?
It's when you do meth with the cops.
Oh, okay, not exactly Delaware style,
- but we are gonna blow the doors off. - Whoo!
[crowd cheering]
And if you're working, then take the night off.
Yeah, grab your hottest cousin and meet us on the dance floor. Stat.
Hey DJ, blast some real shit, would ya?
- [record scratches] - ["Last Resort" playing on speakers]
♪ Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort ♪
♪ Suffocation, no breathing ♪
[grunting] Yeah!
♪ This is my last resort ♪
["T'AMO T'AMO T'AMO" playing on speakers]
Molly! Oh, my gosh. I've just got to say, great job.
I love everything you're doing.
Thank you so much.
- Have we met? - Oh, I'm Melinda.
I'm a philanthropist too.
I-Is it cool if I stay?
Well, Luciana did make an exception for hot bitches,
which applies to both of us, so have fun.
- All right, enjoy. [chuckles] - You too.
["T'AMO T'AMO T'AMO" continues playing]
Hey, Petra, it's-it's Sofia.
So listen, I was thinking about what we discussed, and…
I've made up my mind.
["Talk Talk featuring Troye Sivan" playing on speakers]
♪ Talk to me in French Talk to me in Spanish ♪
♪ Talk to me in your own Made-up language ♪
♪ Doesn't matter if I understand it ♪
♪ Talk right in my ear ♪
♪ Tell me your secrets and fears ♪
♪ Once you talk to me, I'll talk to you ♪
♪ And say, "Hey, let's get out of here" ♪
- [sighs, chuckles] - Hey.
Oh, is this seat taken?
- No, no, no, please. - [sighs] Whoo.
Well, you had some really incredible moves out there.
[chuckles] Thanks.
Oh, man.
["Harvest Moon" playing on speakers]
The dance floor at a wedding.
- Mmm. - I mean, there's something about it.
I know. I know.
I guess it's just the whole gamut of human experience out there in one place.
Young people with tons of energy.
Slightly older people
- with more experience under their belt. - Thank you. Mm-hmm.
And then of course, the superstars of any wedding.
[Molly] Aw.
God, I love them.
- I know. Me too. - Mmm.
Molly.
I'm not fine.
What?
I keep telling you and everybody else that I'm fine,
but that's not true.
I miss you.
A lot.
- Arthur, I… - You don't have to say anything.
- No, I… - I just, uh…
I don't know. I wanted to be honest with you.
I miss you too.
I made a mistake.
I regret breaking up with you.
I feel like I blew it.
No, you haven't.
You couldn't.
Because that should be us.
I want that to be us.
Just promise me we won't get that wrinkly.
[chuckles] No.
- Not with your money. - [chuckles]
What do you say?
Should we try again?
[song continues]
There you two are. [chuckling]
- Oh, Maro. - [Arthur] Oh. Hi.
I hadn't completely forgotten about you.
Yeah, neither did I.
Um, I'm actually really glad both of you are here
because Arthur, you helped me figure out that I have something to say to Molly.
Hey, Molly.
You're Molly, who is the person I have something to say something to.
Um, Maro, um,
- Arthur and I are just-- - Molly Wells.
Will you marry me?
- [both] What? - [squeals]
This is so romantic.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, uh, everyone hold your horses!
[crowd murmuring]
Uh… [breathing heavily]
- Molly, will… - [crowd gasping]
- What? - Will you actually marry me instead?
- Ainsley! - [crowd gasping, clamoring]
["That's Amore" playing]