-Hello, beautiful. -Fuck!
Jesus Christ, you scared me.
How are you so quiet?
I'm extremely strong, but I weigh almost nothing.
-Good for you. -I know.
So, we have a very full "Molly" day scheduled.
I have all of your favorite activities through 8:00 p.m.
at which point I will drop you back off at your bed
where you can get your traditional 11 and a half hours of beauty rest. You ready?
Thank you for being here for me today.
I am ready.
Am I doing it right?
-Yeah, babe. You're crushing it. -Really?
You should be the teacher, not me.
God, Ryan Gosling renovating a house. Why can't this be every movie?
Yeah. Gosling's whatever, but I'm here for Sam Shepard.
I love a man that looks like he came straight out of a fucking bog.
All you, Marisol. Oh, yeah!
Yours.
Goddamn it, Marisol!
I thought the knee surgery was going to increase your mobility.
Where'd you get it done? In urgent care?
Hey, you ready?
You got three bitches in here ready for a sunset walk.
I'll be right there. Just need to pee.
Okay.
-You have been through a lot this year. -I have.
Yeah, it's been hard on everyone.
You know, I don't care what anyone says. Divorce is really difficult.
But I wouldn't change a thing about what's happened.
No regrets.
It seems you've grown a lot just in the conversation we've had so far.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
And I wanna thank you for your vulnerability.
I think that's really brave of you.
-Are you fucking joking? -Yeah. Me too.
-We're just soul mates. -Yeah.
Every day, he teaches me something new.
And I'm teaching him too. Windsurfing.
She has incredible balance.
I almost never fall.
So tell me,
what do you think about the journey Molly's on now, with her foundation?
It's got a sizable endowment, thanks to you.
Yeah, Molly. Well, she has a really big heart.
It's gonna be a challenge.
I mean, she's never done anything like this before, and I have to say,
it's a bit more complicated than organizing a cocktail party,
which she's great at.
I'm just not sure that she knows entirely what she's getting herself into,
-but I wish her the best. -Wish me the best? Fuck you, dude.
What are you doing?
I'm just--
I'm using the bathroom.
I know what you're watching, and you need to stop it.
Put down the phone.
No. I'm not watching anything.
Molly, open the door.
Hi. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I am just being thorough. I'm trying to get everything out.
-Okay. -And then after I'm done in here,
I'm gonna find out where John is, I'm gonna go to that location,
-and I am gonna murder him in his sleep. -I knew it.
I knew it. Give me the phone.
-No. Never! -Come--
Okay, everyone, let's address the elephant in the room.
I did see John's interview last night, and at first, I was furious,
but then when I woke up this morning, I was even more furious.
However, now, talking about it to all of you,
I'm reaching some third level of anger that I didn't even know existed.
You know what? You should be angry. That shit was ridiculous.
Thank you.
Okay, we were trying to bring the levels down.
Why? They gave John and his mistress 45 full minutes.
The baby who got stuck on the telephone pole only got seven.
Yeah, I normally don't use language like this,
but his shirt was as ugly as his business policies.
Damn, Arthur. You write that joke just for this meeting?
When I thought of it, I felt like I was a regular Ray Romano.
I don't know who that is.
Thank you, guys, for supporting me.
You'll be happy to know that I'm hitting back at him.
-Good. -Yeah, what do you mean?
Well, people have always asked me to do interviews, and I usually say no…
until last night.
I had quite a bit of wine,
-and I said yes to, like, ten of them. -Three bottles.
-Which ones? -There's a range of them.
I mean, he said I don't know what I'm doing,
so I need to prove I have substance.
60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper? NPR? Molly, this shit is really advanced.
They are going to ask you really tough questions.
Good. I can handle it.
I'm not gonna take this sitting down.
-He doesn't get to say that about me. -Okay. I hear you.
When's the first one?
-Tomorrow. -Oh, my God.
We need to prep you.
You need to learn about every single thing we deal with here.
Wonderful. Great. I do have a microneedling appointment at 3:30,
and judging from the look on your face, we're gonna need to cancel that.
-Okay, but can I still go? -No one goes anywhere.
This is our mission today.
We are going to get his ass.
Baby, you didn't have to come all the way down here to bring me my lunch.
-I wanted to see you. -Let me see.
-It looks yummy. -You look yummy.
Now I'm full from kisses.
You crazy. Bye.
You have got to help me. Me and Tanya are on the rocks.
What? When she got here, you guys made out for, like, 25 minutes
in the middle of the office, which was a choice.
Yeah, but there was so much hidden tension.
She didn't call me "Boo-Boo" the whole time she was here, and that is a bad sign.
I'm worried it's got something to do with our eight-year anniversary.
Oh, my God. Eight years.
Yeah, and each year, I've been able to romantically outdo myself.
Like last year, I got her an anklet,
and we went to Chili's. The good one. Not the one in the mall.
So this year needs to be perfect.
And Tanya is a very visual person.
And you're very stylish, so I need you to tell me what I should wear.
Look. What do you think?
Okay. There are cartoon characters on all of these T-shirts.
What? Goku is not a cartoon character. He is an anime martial artist.
Okay, fine. Whatever. Listen.
Not that I care, because I definitely don't,
but don't wear any of those T-shirts, okay?
Buy something new, something adult.
It'll show her that you think the dinner is special.
And by doing that, you'll show her that you think she's special.
You're so good at this. I mean, are all your relationships, like, perfect?
Yes. And none of them have lasted over 72 hours.
So we made these binders that explain every organization that we partner with.
And I made you some color-coded flash cards, if that helps.
Okay. That's not so bad. I can get through this.
Well, Rhonda's bringing in the rest.
It's okay, I got it.
Is there a movie version of this stuff I can watch?
Nope. You should get going. Clock's ticking.
Okay. So, let me give you a massage before you start.
Rhonda. We had a meeting about this.
Wha--
I just don't see how we get to know each other without the power of touch.
Is it me? It's me. I--
-Good luck. -Thanks.
Yikes.
Come in.
-Hey there. -Hi.
Looks like you're making some good progress.
Thanks. I'm getting there.
Hey, I saw that you've been holding those binders
pretty far away from your face to read them.
Really?
Do you mind trying something for a second?
You know what, I don't need those.
Just give them a try for a second.
Just for a sec.
Holy fucking shitballs.
-I can see everything. -I--
It's like I'm a superhero.
Look, there's the pen I couldn't find.
I know. It's like magic, you know.
Oh, my gosh. Do you have blond eyebrows?
Yes.
I don't think I've ever seen that on an adult man.
Well, it's not natural.
I do have to bleach them. Yep.
Well, it's really working for you.
-Well, thank you very much. -Okay.
And keep the glasses, okay?
I've got four more pairs in my desk.
I don't mean to brag, but I have a Costco membership.
Oh, my God. Costco? Excuse me.
Can you get me in?
I don't know.
You have to have $75 and a photo ID.
-Then I'm out. -Yeah. I figured.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
I love you.
-I love you. -I love you.
I love you.
Well, then that's such a good thing, because I love you.
-I love you. -Bye.
-She is pissed. -What are you talking about?
You were just saying how much you loved each other.
Okay, well, I guess when you go to the movies
you only pay attention to the exact words being said on-screen.
There's deeper meaning between the lines. It is called subtext.
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Can I get back to catfishing my ex's dad now?
No. Although that does sound interesting.
It is.
-I think I'm falling in love with him. -Okay, well, anyway, look.
I made a reservation at Cheesecake Factory for our anniversary,
and then all of a sudden, Tanya's telling me that's not romantic enough.
I mean, what is she talking about?
All the waiters wear ties, there's candles on every table,
and it's so loud in there no one can hear you fart.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna side with Tanya on this one.
Okay. Where would you wanna go?
You should definitely take her someplace new. Okay?
Having new experiences with a partner brings you closer.
It's a big part of growing and evolving together.
That's amazing.
You are really good at this.
And thank you again. I'm gonna do that.
And good luck to you and Mr. Fitzgerald.
Says I can call him Dan now.
Okay, I'm heading home, guys.
What's the average rent of a two-bedroom apartment in LA county?
$2,545. Double the national average.
-Correct. -Yes!
Thanks, everybody.
I've learned a lot today.
The world is in a much, much worse place than I thought it was,
and that's a real bummer, but I'm still pumped for these interviews.
Guys, just don't make a big deal out of it. It's just a CW show.
Are you kidding me? You play a vampire who protects humans from other vampires.
That's amazing. It's so psychologically complex.
Yeah. I mean, of course you got it.
You're Paul. You get everything you want.
Congratulations.
Cheers.
Thanks, boys.
Sorry, I think I have to take this.
Hello, who is this?
Thank God. This is a walking emergency.
Howard? What the hell? Is this a work thing?
Oh, no, it's not a work thing. I'm just in a crisis right now.
I mean, Tanya and I are at that restaurant that you suggested,
and our server is Danielle.
Why aren't you reacting in horror right now?
Because I don't know who that is.
Danielle is Tanya's cousin,
who I went on a date with when Tanya and I were on a break.
But Tanya doesn't know that.
I mean, I'm stuck in some Dangerous Liaisons shit.
Okay. Howard, listen to me. I can't help you.
We are not at work, okay?
I am out right now with my hot white gay friends who I kinda hate.
This is completely inappropriate. My off time is sacred.
You need to lose my number.
All right, man.
Look, I get it. We're just work friends.
I'll go ahead and delete your number, man.
Okay, How--
-Molly, you have a guest here. -I do?
Sofia, hey. What are you doing here?
Is she getting paid overtime for being here after 5:00?
I hope it's okay that I came by.
When I was driving home, I realized
that we probably didn't go over the California Clean Air Initiative enough.
Okay, we can run it again.
Really, all of this climate change stuff needs a brush up.
All right. Well, I was going to have a massage and a bath.
But I guess it can wait.
Do you want something to eat?
Sure. What do you have?
Anything.
I'm not joking. You can literally ask for anything, and they'll make it.
Really?
Well, how about a chicken potpie and a cherry Slurpee?
I'm supposed to shoot this indie thing in Alabama.
The script is pretty good, but it's 110 degrees there right now,
and they don't sell alcohol on Sundays.
What a nightmare.
Yes, I know. That's why I'm saying it, Paul.
I am so sorry. I think I have to go make a phone call.
Be right back.
Right.
-Should we eat his dessert? -Definitely.
Yeah? All right. Oh, my gosh. Yum.
Yo, if this is the guy I sold my PS5 to,
the controllers were like that when I bought it.
It's Nicholas.
See, I told you I'd delete your number, and I did. I'm a man of my word.
So, listen, Howard.
I think you should tell Tanya the truth about Danielle.
Yeah, it's gonna be hard, and she's probably not going to like it,
but you should just rip the Band-Aid off now.
Okay? It's best to be honest.
You know, and she'll understand. And if she doesn't, then that's on her.
That's really good advice.
My other friend, Paris,
he told me I should just try to get with both of them tonight.
And I knew that was wrong.
So, thanks a lot, Nicholas. I appreciate you.
Don't mention it.
So, do you have anything I could help you with right now?
No.
Okay.
This is the best Slurpee I've ever had.
David Chang makes them with real cherries from Washington State.
Okay.
Black carbon, methane, reduces warming by 2050 from 0.4 to
I don't remember.
I don't remember any of this.
It's okay. Let's go over it again.
Can we just-- Can we take a break? I need to stretch my legs.
Would you like a tour?
Yes, I definitely do. This place is crazy.
If I just say the word "beignets," will some show up?
What's in here?
This is John's old office.
I don't come in here very often.
I was always jealous of kids who grew up with a lot of books in their house.
That section is mostly books he wrote himself.
Damn, this is dense.
It's all numbers.
Well, he is credited with creating three different computer programming languages.
Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's definitely not dumb.
Maybe we should get back to studying.
Yeah, we gotta hit those books hard.
We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago.
Okay, she said she was on her way, but she's not picking up her cell.
Maybe she got stuck in traffic.
She owns multiple helicopters.
I'm calling her again.
-Hey. -Where are you?
I'm not going to do Anderson Cooper. Or any of the other interviews.
I canceled them. I'm sorry.
What?
-I was thinking last night. -You canceled?
I'm not going to do well at some dry fancy-pants interview.
I-- That's John's thing. I can't compete with him on that.
Well, just come in to the office, and we can talk about this.
Well, I can't.
I'm actually about to do another show right now.
And I think it's a little bit more my style,
and I really feel like it's gonna get people on my side.
What's the other show?
Welcome to Hot Ones, the show with hot questions and even hotter wings.
And today we're joined by billionaire philanthropist Molly Wells,
who's here to talk about some of her incredible charity work.
Molly, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for having me.
I am so excited to talk about the foundation, and to eat some "wangs."
Okay, great. Well, we'll start with the Howler Monkey original hot sauce.
Okay. This is so exciting.
Tasty.
This is good.
So, the Wells Foundation.
Tell me about some of the things that your organization is focused on specifically.
Of course. One of the things that we're very passionate about is--
Wow. That one's got a little heat to it, doesn't it?
My goodness. I'm just gonna have a little.
Yeah, are you okay?
I'm good.
I'm good. Excuse me.
The cost of living in Los Angeles is--
Fucker.
I'm so sorry. It's so hot.
That's the first one?
Yeah, the Howler Monkey only has a Scoville rating of about 600.
We actually have nine more wings to go.
Nine?
Let's move on. Hopefully you'll like this one a little bit more.
I'm sure I will.
Okay. That one hit right away.
-That one has a little bit of a kick. -You think so?
So, what inspired you to become more involved with charity?
-Sean, I'ma need you to do me a favor. -Anything.
-I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up. -Got it.
All right, so this next sauce, the Dragon's Breath…
I'm out of beer.
Girl with the beer, come here.
…has a Scoville rating of more than 155,000.
Thank you. I love you. Okay.
Keep talking. It's cool.
I'm just gonna pour the milk right into it.
All right,
so we're getting into serious territory.
Oh, God!
So it seems like your ex-husband has been supportive of your efforts--
Hey, fuck that motherfucker.
-So, things are not great? -Good one, Sean.
What did you go to? Fucking school?
If that asshole hadn't cheated on me, I wouldn't be on your stupid-ass show
getting my fucking face melted off eating these little tiny spicy pieces of shit
while blowing my fucking shorts out on fucking national television!
-It's a YouTube show. But I get you. -I don't give a fuck what the fuck it is!
Are you ready to move on to the next sauce, Caribbean Scorch?
Shoes coming off.
Let me tell you something, Sean.
I have $87 billion.
I could buy you and this whole studio and every motherfucker in it.
And I could shut it the fuck down.
I could kill everybody in here and get away with it.
All right. I think maybe we should wrap this up.
I don't need anything. I don't need anybody.
I have 11 houses, motherfucker.
Hey, dude. You busy?
Yes. Very.
Well, I'm sorry, but this cannot wait.
You were totally right the other night.
I mean, Tanya and I, we had a hard convo.
But she totally respected my honesty.
And then later that night in her bedroom, we were intimate.
Anyway, I got you a little token of my appreciation.
Who is she?
Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Prince of the Saiyans?
Come on. Don't tell me you don't know Vegeta.
I don't know what any of those words mean.
Okay, well, you're Vegeta and I'm Goku.
Friendly rivals turned great friends, but still very wary of each other.
That's the strongest kind of friendship, a weird one.
"Kamehameha!"
That's his catchphrase.
Molly, the very intense lady is back.
Thank you, Marisol.
I take that as a compliment, by the way.
Look, I know I screwed up,
so whatever it is that you're here to say to me, just go ahead and say it.
I didn't come over here to give a speech.
I actually came over here to apologize.
-What? -Look, don't get me wrong.
You embarrassed yourself.
You gotta stop saying you could kill everyone and get away with it.
Let's make that a rule moving forward.
Okay, you're right.
But yesterday wasn't all your fault.
You were ready for those interviews, but I didn't trust you.
I came over here, and I pushed you way too hard.
I made it worse.
Look, I appreciate that. I really do.
I just think if anyone screwed me up, it wasn't you.
It was John.
He said I don't know what I'm doing.
And… maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you care about what that guy thinks about anything?
Listen, I know he's a fucking asshole. But you saw all those books he wrote.
His whole empire, this thing that he built, it's so intimidating.
Uh-uh, whatever.
These guys always act like they do everything by themselves, but they don't.
You should know that better than anyone.
Yeah. I mean,
I did pay our rent the first two years he was getting the company off the ground.
And I designed the original logo. The new one looks like…
-A dick. -Yeah.
All I'm saying is he's no better than you.
And if we're doing this together, you need to get him out of your head.
I'll try.
-Thanks for coming by. -Yeah, of course.
Go ahead. I know you wanna do it.
Shrimp lo mein and a Shirley Temple.
It'll be here in seven minutes.
Hi, Molly.
Thanks for doing this.
I thought we could start by talking about the housing shortage here in LA.
Okay.
I'm ready.