(alarm ringing)
♪
Both: Happy birthday, khia!
Wait. Why are you already awake?!
Because you guys wake me up at 3:19 on my birthday every year
And it is terrifying.
So, I decided to skip the heart attack this time.
How else are we supposed to celebrate your birthday
Down to the exact minute?
Maybe you could just not.
Absurd. It's a pham fam tradition.
- Alright. - Yeah.
Ow. Ow.
Say "cheese".
Both: Cheese.
Ah, good!
(yawning) can I go back to bed now?
Khia, the traditional recounting of the birth
Must occur at the exact anniversary of said birth,
Down to the second.
Fine, but I'm lying down.
Okay. Let me take you back 16 years.
I was eight days overdue.
I was cranky af.
And your dad was at the grocery store
When I lost my mucous plug.
Oh, mom!
How does the story get grosser
Every time you tell it?!
Wait until you hear the part about me pooping on the doctor.
Oh, it's true. She did.
And so did you, actually.
So, we were on our way to the hospital
And there was so much traffic.
(singing)
Aw, hell yeah! Leo!
You wanna help me make some frosting?
Not now! I'm wrapping my present!
(andrew imitating air horn)
Wait a second! Does this mean--
♪ your girl passed her test your girl passed her test ♪
Camille: Oh, my god. It's going to be so amazing
When you're fully licensed.
She could do costco runs!
Oh, and take leo to swimming lessons.
Whatever, I will do your stupid errands.
Just gimmie the keys!
Whoa! Pump your brakes, ricky bobby.
Before I put you on the streets,
I gotta teach you about the streets.
Of rockridge?
I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's a very negative
Stereotype out there about...
(whispering) asian drivers.
Yes, you've mentioned it a few times.
I've spent my whole life trying to prove those stereotypes wrong
And avoid all the racist crap I saw my parents put up with,
Especially on the road.
Okay, but your mom is actually a bad driver.
Some bad drivers are asian,
But not all asians are bad drivers!
Sam: Hey, hey, hey!
- (gasping) - happy birthday, babe!
- Hi! - (laughing)
Thank you, sam!
Uh, whoa, excuse me.
Have you forgotten the phamily birthday gift rule?
No pressies until after cake.
Oh.
Okay. Dad, can we do a lesson today?
Rock and roll.
It felt right.
Yes! I'm going to go change.
Whoa, what are you doing?!
I'm just vetting sam's gift.
I love you, but last year you gave leo a teeth whitening kit.
Okay, a birthday gift is a very sacred thing
Between giver and receiver.
Where is the little scamp anyway?
Supposed to be taking him to a play place.
Yeah, about that, are you using our son
To try and meet cute single parents or something?
(laughing)
What, I can't hang out with my godson without ulterior motives?
You're not his godmother.
Not yet.
♪
- ♪ there was a time... ♪ - (sighing)
(tapping)
♪ now I'm so lost... ♪
Some weather we're having.
Hm.
It's been grayer than usual.
You guys need anything else?
No, thank you, cathy.
Your food tastes grayer than usual.
Okay! Alright, cathy, cathy. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let-- let's just talk over here. Let's go.
Okay, you probably noticed that ramesh is having
A hard time with the barb break up.
Yeah, everyone's noticed.
I'm trying to get him to talk,
But I know he won't feel better until he talks it out.
People just have a hard time talking.
Like me trying to get you to open up about your mom?
Let it go.
Us emotionally advanced find
Indirect ways of channelling our emotions.
Sports, road rage, mall walks.
Emotionally advanced or emotionally repressed?
He's not just gonna say his feelings like some chump.
Unless he doesn't know he's talking about his feelings.
- I gotta go to my office. - No.
- Grab something. - No.
I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
No, no, no! Do it somewhere else! No!
Woo! Let's go, baby!
It's happening so fast.
Whoa, now.
Hold up. What do you think you're doing?
Learning to drive.
Not without an evi.
What?
Exterior visual inspection.
As we know, van diesel sustained a mystery injury.
A good reminder of the hazards
You'll likely encounter on the road.
First step, you gotta knock on the hood--
(knocking)
--To make sure there's no cats hiding in the undercarriage.
Cats! That's why you do that!
Yeah, they like to curl up there to stay warm
But if you start the car-- (meowing)
(whispering) cat murderer.
Oh, god.
Violent... Okay.
Cat check. (knocking)
Check.
Next, we gotta make sure your tail pipe is clear of bananas.
What?
Leo: Part-time nun pulls out a machine gun from under
Her robes and takes out a pirate ship!
And your parents let you watch this?
Only the first five seasons. Then it gets dark.
Sam, hey.
Xavier, hi.
Okay, buddy. Have fun out there.
I'm good.
Winnie, do you remember sam from a couple weeks ago?
- And... - My darling son, leo.
Aw, you can go play. Go.
(chuckling)
Sam, I am so glad you could hang out.
There are not a lot of moms our age in this industry.
It's just so nice that we don't have to explain
Everything to each other.
Yeah. Exactly.
Hey, I heard your firm just landed that big telecom account.
- Congratulations! - Yeah. Aw.
Telecom, am I right ?
(xavier laughing)
What are you up to these days?
Um, just freelancing mostly.
And hanging out with this scamp. (chuckling)
That is so nice.
And you're how old?
Twelve. Skipped a few grades
'cause my iq is off the charts.
They actually studied me to make a new chart.
Oh, wow!
Your mom must be so proud.
Are you, mother?
Mm! Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Fasten your seatbelt, depress the brake,
Press the button, release the parking brake,
Check your rear-view mirror, your side mirror,
Check your blind spots, check your rear-view mirror again.
Then, and only then may you gradually
And slowly ease into the roadway.
Okay, but you're not going to do the whole rigmarole
Every single time you drive!
I do!
Well, what if you're trying to escape a hoard of zombies?!
Camille, we've talked about this.
Those movies with fast zombies aren't realistic.
We got time.
All I'm saying is that part of driving is being flexible.
While also being hypervigilant and alert!
The tiniest mistake and bam!
You're a bad asian driver!
Yeah, because people are the worst,
But it's not her responsibility to make
Racist jerks not be racist jerks!
But if you had the choice between her dealing with that
And not dealing with that, what would you choose?
That's not a choice we have! That's the world we live in!
Anyways, since when is being a good driver ever a bad thing?
Just tell me who I should listen to, okay?
Okay.
- Okay. - Um...
How about this?
We'll both teach you using our own approach
And see which one works.
Oh! Driving teacher battle.
It's on!
Time for some music.
(sighing)
- (music playing) - that's--
No! No music! That was a test!
You need access to all your senses at all times!
I'll drive us to a lot where you can practice!
Oh, my god.
Andrew: Vehicles are weapons.
The power of life and death is in your hands.
You're always one tiny mistakes away from complete catastrophe.
Seatbelt, ignition,
Brake, parking brake,
Shift gears,
Side view mirror, rear-view mirror,
Blind spots.
Um, and rear-view.
(clapping) alright.
Now take your foot off the brake and give it a little gas.
Brake!
(horn honking)
You're learning.
Next time just--
(horn honking)
What do I do?!
Just follow the steps--
Seatbelt--
(horn honking)
She is learning to drive, you monster!
See? All drivers are nightmares!
They're all trying to kill you!
Okay, dad. I--
I need a change of energy. Mom, you're up!
Just out.
And they just have the most delicious macarons.
Oh, yeah. It's incredible.
Some of the best french food I've ever had.
It can't be better than that place in paris.
Right, mom?
Where did we have that perfect café crème?
Ooh! You've been to France?
Oui.
Super! Quel était ton café préféré?
(laughing in exaggerated french accent)
I have an identical twin brother.
I'm the good looking one.
(laughing)
Luca is his name.
Leo and luca, that's us.
For real twins.
- Leo, what are you doing here? - Leo: Jojo?
Who's this?
Um... My mother!
That's not your--
(whispering) blink twice if you need me to call someone.
♪
Cricket? Really?
Don't these games usually last days?
Yup! Five beautiful days of yelling out our emotions.
Chris hawthorne's last test match before he retires.
Announcer: This is going to be a monumental occasion.
The most beloved cricketer in recent memory.
He is beloved, but everything's gotta come
To an end sooner or later, you know?
And it's important to talk about those things when they do.
So, you do.
He plays with his whole heart.
If only everyone could say the same.
Tell me about it.
No, seriously though, like, tell me about it.
(clearing throat)
Announcer: Here comes the ball. It's a spin to--
Oh, he hits it! He flicks it over midwicket!
And it-- no! It's caught. Oh no!
How very disappointing.
Disappointing, indeed.
I mean he had all his hopes and dreams for today.
All dashed away.
How does that make you feel? 'cause I feel pretty bad.
It does make one think.
I, too, had hoped and dreamed
For a chocolate croissant.
Cathy, do you have one?
Coming up.
Announcer: What a take indeed.
Thought you said this would work.
- Never said that. - Well, it didn't.
Now, we just gotta get in there and dig deep.
- No. No, we don't. - Yup.
Oh, oh!
We can role-play.
- No. - Yes, yes.
Come on, cathy. You gotta jump on board.
You gotta do this. It's for meshy. Meshy needs us.
- Fine. - Yes!
But I'm not calling him "meshy."
Okay, okay. Fine.
Camille: So, my approach is more intuitive.
You have to see yourself as an extension of the car.
Person and machine, together as one.
How you feel?
Like I should stick to taking the bus.
I don't want you to be afraid.
I want you to be brave.
Like a fearless road warrior.
Andrew: Ooh!
(both laughing)
Oh, hell no. Okay.
- No. - I've got this.
What? Dad! N-no!
Hey! It's my daughter's sixteenth birthday
And she's learning how to drive.
I'd like you to think back to the first time
You did something, and how you'd feel
If someone was laughing at you.
I think both of y'all got some work to do on your empathy!
Stupid skater boys!
Oh, my gosh. Launch me into the core of the sun.
Okay, well, now that your dad has had his moment,
- Let's get out of here. - Andrew: Whoa!
I don't know.
No. You are a road warrior!
You're perpetrating a hate crime, you dinks!
Oh! I don't know! You guys should drive!
Just believe! Road warrior!
(screaming)
I'm doing it! I'm dri-- I'm driving!
Camille: A little tighter on the next turn, but great!
Now drive us home, birthday girl.
Yeah, so leo's biological parents are camille and andrew,
But recently we formed a platonic throuple.
Wherein I take on parenting duties on the weekends.
So, we get leo and his twin brother luther--
- Luca. - Loofa.
--To call me mom,
Because it avoids confusion and-and--
And then I get to feel involved.
Right, leo?
I don't think she's buying it, sam.
I mean, what even is a mother anyway, you know?
It takes a village to raise a child,
And mothers can come in all forms.
Biological and otherwise. I mean, have you seen pose?
Um, if you'll excuse me. My actual daughter needs me.
What's a throuple?
♪
Oh, it's okay. I'm-- I'm getting the hang of this.
Honestly, I rule at this.
I should open my own driving school.
Yeah, we should.
Team effort.
Yeah, the me in team. Eh.
Andrew: Brake! Brake! Brake!
Camille! This is your fault and yours alone!
Oh, no. It's just a sign.
Andrew: Just a sign?
It's shaped like a child so you don't run over it!
You told me to turn tighter!
Oh she definitely did.
I didn't mean that tight, and you, cut it out.
Hey, I'm just pointing out who was in the front seat
When this happened.
- It's just-- - oh-- oh, my god.
Oh, my gosh!
Worst birthday ever!
Khia! You can't flee the scene of an accident!
- It's so sad. - He broke his foot.
- I'm writing a note. - It's not even a useful sign
And I'll fix it. And I have. New sign.
(clearing throat)
(banging)
(groaning) you're so stubborn!
It's like it's your way or no way.
Do you even believe in me?
Cathy?
What?!
It seems like there's been some misdirected anger.
When I'm in emotionally stressful scenarios,
I find that role playing helps.
Well, I don't need help! I'm an island!
She said she's an island.
No, no, no! Hey! Let's just try it!
Let's just try it.
If you must know,
That was really about...
My mom.
Great, that is great.
Ramesh, you mind playing her mom?
Oh, I really--
Mom!
All my life I feel like I haven't
Lived up to your expectations.
Like when I dropped out of college and moved away.
Mom?
Ah, yes. Um...
Well, I suppose that's simply because I wanted the best
For your future.
Is that all you have to say for yourself?
Um, and...
I suppose I can be overbearing, but...
I have a gentle heart,
And you leaving smashed that into a million pieces.
I poured so much into this relationship and you just left!
Well, I had to do what was good for me,
Even if it was hard for you.
You didn't even give me a chance to win you back!
You want me to be happy, right?
I-- yeah, of course.
(music playing over speakers)
I'm still sad about barb.
I'm mad at my mom.
You see? Do you see?!
Doesn't it feel good for your hearts to just talk about it?
You mad genius. You manipulated me.
For your own good, I'm sorry.
Okay, ramesh,
Do you wanna talk about barb?
And cathy, do you want to
Talk about your mom? Let's have a chat. Okay.
♪
♪ I've been talking to... ♪
Seen any giant holes I can climb into?
It wasn't that bad.
Okay, maybe not the best way to spend your birthday.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Thanks.
Remember when we use to fantasize about being 16?
Driving cars, being free?
The fantasy was wrong.
I'm sorry.
My parents had my anxiety on 1000
And I can't close my eyes without seeing
That gingerbread massacre.
They really freaked you out, huh?
No, I wasn't at first.
Then dad said that the car was a murder weapon
And mom was like, "you're a warrior!"
It was just intense!
Andrew and camille intense?
(laughing)
I'm glad you're laughing,
But I'm not the one you should be telling all this to.
And, you know, if you change your mind,
I'm at a school. It's so much better.
My dad tried teaching me
And we lasted all of three minutes.
(both chuckling)
Thanks.
I hope your birthday gets better.
♪
♪ whoa, everybody wakes up ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪
I'm sorry about all the drama, kiddo.
I met xavier last time we went bowling.
She's a lawyer I really want to network with,
And so when she assumed you were my kid
I just kind of went with it.
Hm. The road to hell, am I right?
Tell me about it.
So, when she dm'd me about meeting up again I thought
I couldn't let the opportunity get away.
And I should have explained it, but then I felt weird
Asking you to lie for me.
Next time ask.
I love lying.
Cool.
But I feel like I should tell your parents that you said that.
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah.
Sam!
Oh, xavier. Hi. I am so sorry. I--
Text me next time you're near the office
And we'll grab a coffee.
Wh-- oh. Yeah. Okay. Great. Um...
I was pretty sure you'd never want to speak to me again.
You know, when I was starting out,
I used to try to schmooze with lawyers at the health club.
Tore my achilles pretending I knew how to play squash.
- (chuckling) - I get your hustle.
It's hard out here.
Thank you.
Yeah. I'm always looking for people who are willing
To go the extra mile.
Maybe you'll be a lawyer someday.
How much money did you make when you were a full time lawyer?
Oh, that's a rude question.
I know, but how much?
A lot, leo.
Camille: Do you think the stars should be bigger?
Much bigger.
Okay, yeah. We're going to have to start again.
Add more exclamation marks. Okay, grab me the--
- You're home! - Be chill.
You're home.
Khia, I'm sorry.
I pushed too hard.
We pushed too hard.
I know that you didn't mean to, but you two made everything
A million times worse,
And because of that,
I'm-- I've decided I'm never driving again.
What?! No.
I scratched van diesel!
What?!
You said it was a mystery accident!
Yeah, why would you lie about that?
Because I didn't want to play into the stereotype!
It was my first accident ever!
You ripped a side mirror off going through a drive thru.
Didn't count. Those angles are busted.
And the bumper in the snow bank?
But everyone makes mistakes.
The important thing is that you get back in the car
And you try again. Giving up is never the answer.
Your dad is right, but there's no rush either.
We'll be ready when you're ready.
Okay, well, when I am ready, could you guys pitch in
To get me professional driving lessons?
Yeah, of course, we can swing that.
And because you totally ruined my birthday,
Can I open presents early?
(chuckling)
Ooh, from sam.
(chuckling)
(gasping) a tiny glass.
Oh, khia, this is awkward,
But that's actually a shot glass.
Oh, she's messing with us.
Yeah. Dad, it says "day drunk" on it.
Thank you, auntie sam.
This is going away for another three years.
Cake anyone?
♪
- I'm so excited for you. - Me too.
Mannix said that this was the best driving school.
- Oh! - Mannix?
Y'all are talking again?
I think so? Maybe?
I don't know.
Baby steps. Have fun, khia.
Okay. Oh, don't wait up!
Oh, man, he's asian?!
Andrew!
My bad.
I gotta unpack that later.
Hm.
(knocking)
Good!
Aw, we really traumatized her.
Yeah.
Andrew: I blame my parents.
Oh, I blame you.
Yeah, that makes sense.
♪