Andrew: Tonight, the family's going to
Crouching chicken, hidden pork asian buffet.
Ramesh, since you're new to this pham tradition,
I want to go over some ground rules.
I think I understand how to go out for dinner.
First rule of asian buffet.
No carbs!
But I like noodles.
Not at $33.99 a head, you don't.
Carbs are filler.
You like ginger beef and spareribs now.
If it bleeds...
...It leads.
The second rule of asian buffet. Plate stacking.
Fill multiple plates every time.
If you don't look like a walking jenga tower,
You're doing it wrong.
This saves time.
Time is money, and money is...
...Meat.
Kids, you don't find this all ridiculous?
I hold the buffet record for most peking duck
Eaten in one sitting.
Not for much longer. (cracking jaw)
Third rule of asian buffet...
...Dress appropriately.
Drawstrings and micro-blends wick away that meat sweat.
Any questions?
Is there at least a dessert buffet?
(laughing)
I'm so glad you asked.
All: No dessert!
That's more empty carbs.
Have sweet-and-sour pork.
It's dessert and meat.
The key to asian buffet is...
- ...Protein... - ...Protein...
...Protein!
Oh, gout foot! Gout foot.
Damn you, protein.
(shouting, moaning)
Lie down! Lie down!
(moaning)
Camille: I just got off the phone
With the doctor's office.
Apparently, dr. Edmonds retired?
What? Since when?
The office said they sent a notice two months ago.
Yeah.
I vaguely remember seeing a letter
And putting it in the "to deal with later" pile.
Well, work's been hectic for the both of us.
Some things were bound to slip through the cracks.
Yeah, but has it been that long
Since we've seen a doctor?
Yeah. I've been saving my aches and pains
Until my list got to 10. I'm at seven.
Hey. Um, does this mole look sus?
- Ew. - Make it eight.
- Oh. - (ramesh clearing throat)
Andrew, camille?
Since coming to learn that I, as your house guest,
Have been taking up too much space
And mouth-breathing loudly,
I've committed myself to rectifying these issues,
And I will be paying my own way from this day forth.
So, I will be tallying up in this ledger
Everything that I use.
For instance, I just used a capful of laundry detergent,
That means I owe you about... 43 cents.
Okay, dad. So, that's really not necessary.
Camille, please. That is the plan.
Ramesh devani is no mooch!
So, hear me out.
We do know a doctor.
We're not calling dr. Bonecracker.
Why? She is your sister.
Carol used to pull my arm out of my socket
Just to practise popping it back in.
I can't do monkey bars to this day.
So, what? We just don't have a doctor.
I mean, what is this?
No call, no goodbye?
Just like, poof! He's gone. What is this feeling?
Oh, right. This is your first time getting dumped.
First time's the hardest. Tenth time is also hard.
Dr. Edmonds can't just retire and abandon me.
I mean, us. (chuckling)
What are you gonna do?
Stalk the doc on social media
So I can learn his routines and track him down.
- (cackling) - I love your fire so much,
Even if it'll get us arrested one day.
Aha! He power walks at the park on tuesdays.
Well, for now, I'll stick with tradition.
Dau xanh.
This'll last me till I get the good painkillers.
Green oil helps everything.
Swelling, itches, tummy aches, childhood trauma.
Oh. I thought ông noi and bà noi were here.
Nope. Just your grandparents' pungent yet wonderful smell.
My gout flare-up means that it hurts to walk or move or exist.
(sighing)
Will I get gout when I'm older?
Oh, my boy.
I can see that you're worried.
Rub this on your temple. It helps with anxiety.
Camille: Um, hi. Dr. Edmonds. Can we talk?
Camille? What are you doing here?
And how did you find me?
Don't answer.
You're under no obligation to incriminate yourself.
Hey. How would everyone feel about slowing down a little bit?
- Okay. You can't leave us. - Ow!
I mean, retire.
Look at how many people retire and then literally drop dead.
Do you want to drop dead?
No. Your life needs structure. It needs purpose.
- We can be your purpose. - Yes.
You continue to be our doctor,
And we continue to get prescriptions
Whenever we need them.
It's win-win.
I'm going to need a minute.
Oh, I'm already winning.
Retirement is great. Ngozi and I are snowbirds now.
We just bought a winter place in palm springs.
Well, you know, a lot of people die there, too.
Fine. How about a goodbye present,
A lifetime prescription of painkillers?
Oh, I gave up my licence.
But I can give you some advice as a layperson.
Sure. Anything.
You really shouldn't power walk on that.
You think?
Argh!
Time for a new doctor.
One that will never, ever leave us.
- Ugh. - Okay.
Okay. This one has four stars.
Okay.
People like the doc, but find his haircut distracting.
Oh. If he can't be trusted with his hair,
I can't trust him with my body.
Okay.
- Ah. Five stars. - Oh?
Good parking. Friendly receptionist,
And top-tier magazine subscriptions.
Okay, okay.
Let's go snag ourselves a new doc.
Okay!
(whimpering)
♪ here we go, my head's another space ♪
Okay. One coconut milk tea.
- (phone vibrating) - (someone screaming)
Sorry. Gave my mom a new ringtone.
(screaming ringtone continues)
Are you ever going to actually call her back?
Frankly, I'd rather clean the tapioca pearl machine.
That does need to be done.
Also can't deal with that today.
Oh. Hi.
Um, what-- what can I get for you?
Uh, let's see.
Can I get a coconut matcha with grass jelly topping, please?
Totally. That's actually my favourite.
(giggling) and could I get it in my cup?
Yeah. That'll get you 10% off.
Sweet.
Uh, I really like your earrings.
Thanks. They're vintage.
- Thrifting is the best. - Isn't it?
Um, you know, we actually have a lot in common.
Yeah.
More than you'd think.
I actually came to introduce myself to you.
I'm noor.
Mannix and I are...
Kinda dating.
Oh.
I knew that you worked here,
And I just wanted to break the ice.
'cause, you know, your friendship
Is really important to mannix,
And I just don't want things to be awkward.
(laughing)
Awkward? I mean, no. Why would things be awkward?
I'm just talking to
My ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend in a place
I can't leave.
Abort. Abort.
We should-- we should--
We should hang out all the time.
I mean, we should all hang out sometime.
Yeah. (giggling) I'd love that.
Thanks.
Okay. Well, uh, see you later, khia.
Khia: Bye.
You okay?
I don't know.
Uh, mannix mentioned starting to date other people,
But now that it's really happening, it feels different.
Dating is horrific.
But I want to keep mannix as a friend. What do I do?
- Avoid her. - What?
Then you'll never have to face the pain.
But she lives next door. What am I supposed to do, move?
Yes.
(phone vibrating and screaming)
Every doctor's office is full?
I can't believe
Even the one-star doctor wouldn't take us.
I swear that medical degree was printed on the back of a flyer.
(moaning)
Green oil not working?
It's diminishing returns on the pain.
Still comforting, though.
(sniffing) mmm.
Sweet dau xanh. Ohh.
(door opening and closing)
Woman: Is there a doctor in the house?
So, babe, we were out of choices.
I took the nuclear option.
Ha-ha. Yeah.
It's me, bitch.
(sniffing) ah. Sweet dau xanh.
Thanks for coming, carol.
I wouldn't have called if we weren't desperate.
I wouldn't even call if I was dead.
(shouting)
Technically, I'm a surgeon, not a gp.
But anything for family.
Speaking of which, how are you and my cuz?
You still in the honeymoon phase?
- Totes. - (groaning)
But living with nikhil is still taking some getting used to.
Hmm.
Like, he leaves water glasses everywhere.
Ramesh: Ha. Rookie mistake.
To live with someone is to clean up after yourself,
And to pay your own way.
Which is why I'm letting everyone know
I used one red rose tea bag,
Valued at 18 cents, and I'm noting it in my ledger.
Wow. He's a fun addition around here.
Oh, yes, he is.
Well, if I'm gonna fill in as your family doctor,
I'm going to need to ask you some questions.
Then ask. I got nothing to hide.
What colour is your poop lately?
- Come on! - Just answer her.
She's a doctor.
It's normal coloured.
So, multi-coloured, like always.
Gross. Okay. Second question.
How often do you play marco solo?
Poach the egg? Shake hands with the milkman?
- What? - How often do you masturbate?
Okay! We're done.
You cannot be my doctor. It'll never work.
Exactly.
It's too weird for your family doctor to be family.
- (sighing) - okay? You need to
Get someone who you can be open and honest with and doesn't
Make you clamp up every time we talk about bodily fluids.
Don't. Don't say "bodily fluids."
I could say a whole lot of other things,
- Like "semen." - no.
- "prostate." - no.
- "fecal vomiting." - that's not a thing.
Okay. You both were right.
This is definitely not going to work.
I did, however, manage to get you some sweet painkillers.
Oh, yeah!
But bro, you seriously need a family doctor.
So, got you a referral.
- Ah! Fantastic. - Yeah.
It's a friend I went to med school with.
- Starting a new clinic. - I'll call now.
Can you also help me to the bathroom?
I got to make colours.
Oh, okay.
Ugh.
- Yo, bac carol? - Hey.
If gout is hereditary, does that mean I'll get it, too?
Gout's not that bad, buddy.
With precautions, it's preventable.
- So, don't worry about it. - (exhaling) okay. Thanks.
Yeah. Plus there are a ton of other diseases
That asians are genetically susceptible to,
Like stroke, kidney disease, tuberculosis.
So, if you're gonna worry about something,
Worry about those.
(heart pounding, gasping)
- You good? - What?
Uh, yeah. Why?
You haven't actually put water in the mop bucket.
Oh. Uh, oops.
Still thinking about mannix's girlfriend?
Uh, yeah. I guess it bothered me more than I expected.
Listen. Being friends with your exes is brutal.
10 out of 10, do not recommend.
You're not friends with any of your exes?
No. We break up, you're dead to me.
So, you just avoid people forever?
You got to protect yourself.
There are 37 people dead to me, and look how happy I am.
Whoa.
This place is hopping.
Camille: Oh, look at them.
All dressed up for their sears portrait photos.
Mm-hmm. Hey. Check them out.
Trifold. Bunch of keeners.
Yeah. Everybody here is trying to woo the new doctor.
Huh. I'd hate to be them. Good thing we got that referral.
Nepo-patients for the win.
Both: Eeeh!
Andrew and camille pham?
Ah.
We're on a list. It's embarrassing... You know...
Great seeing you. Great seeing you.
Hi. I'm so sorry about the wait.
Okay.
I'm dr. Kalangitan.
Can you give me a bit of background about yourselves?
Oh. I think you'll find that I'm very low-maintenance.
I've got a list of minor concerns
I've been making note of.
I'm currently at number nine,
Having just developed an eye twitch.
But yeah. I won't bother you till I hit a 10.
- And I'm overall super healthy. - Yeah.
One might even say invincible.
But every now and then, my gout flares up.
Which is why I'm here, because I need a prescription
For some painkillers.
(chuckling)
How are you sleeping these days?
Ugh. Not great.
I keep having this dream
Where I show up for an exam that I haven't studied for it.
But then I ace it,
And then I realize it's an exam for supervillains
And I just signed up for a life of crime.
And I'm a very good sleeper.
I don't hog the sheets. I don't snore.
Just a great companion overall.
Has anything changed in your marriage lately?
Oh, now, that's a personal question, doc.
What's that got to do with my gout?
I need to understand your situation,
Including your mental health.
- Oh, right. - Ooh.
So, we're just looking for a family doctor.
You know, someone reliable
That we can come to for prescriptions.
The gout.
I see.
I have a holistic approach to medicine.
- Oh, that-- yeah. - I treat the whole patient.
Mm-hmm.
I don't just dispense prescriptions
Like a vending machine.
- Mmm. Mm-mmm. - No.
If I were to take a family on, I need the full picture.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay. Hold up.
I think you just said "if". Did you just say "if"?
We have a referral. You're friends with my sister,
Carol pham, 5'3", asian, very annoying?
The referral was for a meeting, which you got.
I'm deciding case-by-case which patients to take on,
And our time is up.
(chuckling)
I have another 30 families to meet with today.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay. See you soon.
You say it back.
You say "see you soon" back.
Oh, yeah.
- (phone chiming) - ah. It's carol.
She heard back from dr. Kalangitan.
- (phone chiming) - and it did not go well.
- (sighing) - (phone chiming)
And apparently, there's a loser emoji now.
Oh, man. Ow! Oh, my god.
- Ugh. Green oil in the eye. - Oh, yeah.
That's going to sting real bad.
Maybe more green oil makes it better?
Okay.
So, I looked online, and there are a lot of diseases
More common for asian people to get.
And there's a bunch of stuff more common
For south asian people to get.
Am I high-risk to get everything
From my vietnamese side and my indian side?
'cause if I am, I'm definitely getting diabetes.
Ugh.
Well, leo, that is a great question
For our family doctor, if we had one.
Mom, are you crying?
Oh. No, honey. No.
It's just, um, this. The green oil.
But I am upset.
Your father and I messed up big time.
Okay. So, fix it.
You're always telling me
To face my mistakes and make them right.
Yeah. We do do that, don't we?
Yeah.
We're, like, really good parents.
Both: Eeeh!
- Oh! - Did I get you?
- Green oil in the eyes. - Oh, no.
♪
- Hey. - Hey, mannix.
I know your break is coming up soon.
You can come hang out with me and noor if you want.
Actually, I promised cathy
That I would clean out the tapioca pearl machine.
Uh, okay. Yeah. Um, maybe next time?
- Totally. - Hmm.
Nice. Who needs that kind of awkwardness?
Yeah.
(sighing)
Except this also sucks.
Yeah. We won't let it go so long next time between cleanings.
No.
Avoiding the problem. It also feels bad.
And this way, nothing changes.
Tapioca machine gets cleaned.
But if I face the cringe-y part now, get it over with,
I'll keep my friendship with mannix.
(sighing) I'm going over there.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
I, uh, don't have to clean it anymore.
- Oh, cool. Sit down. - Sit. Awesome.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Man: Have a great night.
Oh. You're back.
Dr. Kalangitan, we're sorry about before.
If you take us on,
We'll be the best patients you've ever had.
We'll hardly ever come in.
That's what you took from our meeting?
No. I don't want patients who ignore their health.
Excuse me.
Wait.
- (beatboxing) - pop and lock.
- Sprinkler. - (beatboxing)
What is this?
It's a flash mob. (laughing nervously)
Nobody can resist a flash mob.
- Come on. Join in! - Yeah.
- No. I'm good. - Your loss.
Okay. Running man.
(moaning)
No. Now it's hurting man. Babe, we got to pivot.
- It's prom-posal time. - Oh. Good one, babe.
Dr. Kalangitan,
Would you please do us the honour
And be our doctor until death do us part?
Which is hopefully a long time from now
If you're a good doctor.
Please get up.
I really wish I could.
Look. None of this is necessary,
Or persuasive.
- Ah. - Sorry.
We panicked.
Ugh.
We've just been so stressed out,
Juggling two full-time jobs for the first time,
Parenting teenagers.
Not having a doctor is just another stress
To add to the pile.
Well, what have you been doing to cope with this stress?
- Eating. - Oh?
Especially meat. That's my comfort meat.
I mean, food.
I didn't know you were so stressed out.
I didn't want to bring it home with me.
And we haven't been communicating
As well as we usually do.
True.
It took a gout flare-up for us to finally spend
- A whole day together. - Ugh.
I am so happy to see you two talking about this openly.
That is what I want to see in my patients.
Does that mean that you'll take us on?
Come back in the morning.
(laughing)
And tonight, avoid foods that are high in purines,
Like red meat and seafood.
Take ibuprofen and elevate that foot.
Yes. Of course. Thank you.
Both (cackling): She said yes!
Yay!
Nope. You weren't there for us then.
You're not there for us now.
- Mannix: Was great to see you. - Khia: Yeah.
It was really nice meeting you.
- Oh. - Sure.
- Mannix: Do your thing. - Khia: Absolutely.
It's nice meeting you. See you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
So... That looked super awkward.
Yep. I kind of wanted to die.
But noor is really nice and a lot of fun,
And the important thing is it'll be easier next time.
It's annoying how mature you kids are these days.
Thanks, cathy.
No problem.
And since you're so into discomfort,
The tapioca machine still needs cleaning.
Ugh. Fine.
(screaming ringtone sounding and vibrating)
(ringtone continues)
Nope. Not ready.
We've called you together
Because there's going to be some changes in this house.
I paid for the grapes. They were mine to finish.
Okay. This isn't about the grapes.
It's about diabetes.
It's not about diabetes.
No. We've just both been very busy lately,
And not been taking the best care of ourselves.
So, we're going to try and find that balance again.
For me, that means a bit less focus on comfort meats.
Wait. Does that mean no more asian buffet?
(sighing) no.
We'll still go.
But... Noodles are now in play.
Ha.
- It's okay. They know. - $33.99 a head
Now, they know. Now, they--
Of noodles? I can make noodles.
It'll be good to focus on self-care again.
Mm-hmm. And each-other care.
You know what I mean?
Uh, we're in here.
Oh. I see.
So, this electricity usage is on your dime, then?
Dad, you got to ditch that notebook.
- Ledger. - No.
We're not going to take your money.
Seriously. You don't owe us anything.
But ramesh devani is no mooch.
You're not a mooch.
You are family.
Fine. I accept your hospitality.
Hmm.
Fyi, I just blasted through a can of cashews.
I thank you for it.
So, call it a night?
Yeah. I'm beat.
- (sighing) - (sighing)
- (thudding) - ow! Oh, oh!
Stubbed my toe. Call the doc! That's 10.
Yes. But first, dau xanh.
Pungent, yet wonderful.
(sniffing)
(camille moaning)
♪