I'll never forget it. It was 30 years ago.
I was spraying activator in my Jheri curl
when this lanky kid wandered into my bowling alley.
Never picked up a ball in his life,
but I knew right away he was a natural.
An untamed horse just waiting to be broken.
Now, I don't want to take all the credit
for Tom becoming a pro bowler...
Wait for it.
But if it wasn't for me,
it never would've happened.
There it is.
I am proud to officially announce
the very first PBA member ever to come out of Archie's Lanes,
Tom Smallwood. Tell the people how you did it, Tom.
I had, uh, over a 200 average in 36 games of league play.
Great bowler, lousy storyteller.
Just show 'em the card, Tom.
[laughs]
[applause, laughter]Yeah, man.
To Tom. Mm.ALL: To Tom.
Come on, honey. It's a school night.
Okay, you stay and have fun. This is your night.
Mwah.
Bye-bye. Bye, pal.Bye, Dad.
Bye, honey.Hey, man.
Your manager has a surprise for you.
Lew, I told you I don't need a manager.
Oh, then I guess you don't need
an exclusive television interview... on television.
What are you talking about?
I know a guy at the Channel Ten news.
He likes the idea of a feel-good story
about a laid-off factory worker chasing a dream.
Channel Ten? Ooh.
They got the nice van with the big satellite dish on top.
Mm-hmm.
They got Doppler.
I don't know what the hell that is, but they got it.
Wow. My first TV interview.
Thanks, Lew.
Thanks, Manager.
You just made everyone
at Lew Can Do It Entertainment very happy.
Hey. You're late.
Yeah, sorry. I was getting ready for the interview.
In...? What interview?
With Channel Ten.
They got the nice van with the big satellite on top.
Well, you could've gave me a warning.
I didn't even wax my head.
Actually, I-I think they just want to interview me.
Oh. Well, listen, don't forget to mention Archie's Lanes...
It's showtime, baby. Look, the news van just pulled up. Here.
Put this hat on. What? Why?
Well, because you either need a look or a big personality.
And we're going with a look.
I've never been on TV before. I...
Oh, it's easy. Just-just be your smartest,
most professional self.
The hat will do the heavy lifting.
I appreciate it, Lew, but I-I'm not really a hat guy.
Here, man. Bam! Yeah.
You better grab your luggage, 'cause you have just arrived.
How do I look?
Like Samuel L. Jackass.
Well, henceforth, you know,
being a professional bowler has always been my dream.
And I-I never would have gotten here
without the support of my family.
Hence... forth.
There you have it. Tom Smallwood
reminding us all to bowl-ieve in our dreams.
How amazing was that?
I don't know. Did you get paid by the "henceforth"?
I thought you looked very handsome.
What'd you think of the hat?
I thought you looked very handsome.
Okay, honey, let's get ready for bed.
[clears throat]Good night, Dad.
Night.
Good night, Pumpkin.
Good night, Grandma.
Well, I guess I should be heading home. Henceforth.
Come on, Ma. What did you think?
That's a big deal.Ah, you did great.
Now get your big head down here and give your mother a kiss.
Good night.Good night.
[bowling pins clattering, indistinct chatter]
Maybe I am a hat guy.
Hey, Arch, you, uh... you see the interview?
Yeah, I saw it.Get this.
I go to the gas station this morning,
asked the guy if he saw it.
He hadn't, so I show it to him on my phone.
Next thing you know, he's giving me a free Big Gulp.
I didn't even want it, but, you know, free stuff.
Congratulations.
Can we start bowling now? And take that damn hat off,
LL Not Cool J.
Hey, man.
Got some great news.
I was at Powell's Mortuary this morning
to pick up some flowers for a date tonight.
Man, you are just begging to be haunted, aren't you?
Anyway, I was talking to Powell himself.
He saw your interview on the news,
and he wants to sponsor you, man.
He loves what you stand for.
Really? What do I stand for?
Yeah, you're an everyman.
He-he buries five guys like you every day.
I mean, great. What are we talking?
Commercials? Endorsements?
Are they gonna put my name on a casket?
No. They want to put their logo on your jersey.
That's great. I can have Archie's logo on the back
and, uh, Powell on the front.
Yeah, about that.
Since Powell's putting up real money,
they want exclusive rights.
So you can only have their logo
on your jersey during tournaments.
Oh.
What about Archie?
Well, Archie's just gonna have to be more of a silent partner.
Archie? He's never been a silent anything.
Th-This is a huge opportunity to get some cash coming in.
I mean, that's true, and we're gonna need money
for equipment and-and travel.
Archie's a businessman.
He'll understand.Exactly.
And-and plus, Powell said
he'd give us all a family and friends discount.
And he said he'd cremate us feet first.
I mean, you normally don't get to pick that.
It was so cool seeing Tom on TV.
The closest I ever got to dating a professional athlete
was when I slept with a referee.
But you know the guy at Foot Locker wasn't really a referee.
Yeah. And I wasn't really J.Lo's sister,
but we both got what we wanted.
Hey, Jen.Oh, hey, Lee.
Okay. Are we doing the usual?
Actually, no.
My mom finally said it's okay
for me to do something different.
So, I want to do super short pink bangs.
Ooh, I like that.
And maybe, like, pink tips on the bottom?
Love that. [laughs] Okay, um, let's get...
Excuse us for a second.
Hold on.Pink?
You know what kind of salon we are.
We don't do pink here.
Natural colors only,
and if someone has a very good reason, strawberry blonde.
Uh, she's young. She's just trying to express herself.
And there are plenty of salons where she can do that,
like that goofy one downtown
with aromatherapy and a hookah bar.
We cater to the traditional clientele.
I know.She can express herself with short, medium and long.
It's not like we don't offer choices.
But that's not what she wants. What am I supposed to tell her?
Tell her if she wants to rebel, she can buy a jean jacket.
[sighs]
Hey, guess what.
I had a chance to do something creative
and cool for my client today, and Ruth squashed it.
I'm sorry.
It's just frustrating.
It's not why I became a hairdresser.
Yeah, I know.Like, yes,
I started off washing heads, never thinking,
ten years later, I'd still be working for Ruth
in a salon that's frozen in time.
I hear you.
How was your day?
I actually have some pretty great news.
But, you know-- ugh, that darn Ruth!
Just tell me.
Okay, good.
I, uh, I got an actual sponsor.
Like, a money sponsor.
That's fantastic.Yeah, I know.
It's not a lot, but it'll help cover some
of the bowling expenses.
And if we ever want to get cremated feet first,
I have an in.
No. We talked about this.
I want to be buried in one of those boxes that grows
into a tree so Sam has a place to cry every day.
Can it be an apple tree so we don't have to bring snacks?
Sure. Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Check it out.
A mortuary?
Yeah. I know it's kind of creepy,
but I feel like I can just lean into it,
make it part of my brand.
Like, after the match, go up to the other bowlers
and be like, "So sorry for your loss."
But, uh, hold on. What about the jersey that Archie gave you?
Well, I can only wear this one during tournaments.
That's what the deal is.
What did Archie say?
I-I didn't tell Archie yet. I...
Oh.
But, you know, this is, like, a real sponsor,
like the ones the bowlers on tour have.
Uh-huh.And I feel like me getting recognized like this
also reflects on Archie as a coach.
So you're just gonna tell him that?
I see what this is.
But I've broken bad news to Archie plenty of times.
I know how to do it.
After all, I was the one that told him
gluten-free cookies still aren't that great for you.
If you say so.
Okay, see, I know what
"If you say so" means.Mm.
It's like when we tell Sam "Maybe," or I tell you
"I'll look at it tomorrow."
We're all very polite liars!
Hey, you ready? Today we're working
on your release and follow-through.
I hope you wore your tight underwear
'cause you're about to bowl your ass off.
[laughs]
Look, Archie, I-I'm a little worried, man.
We got our first tournament coming up,
and I'm short on equipment.
I mean, look. My-my bag's all crapped out,
my shoes are older than Sam,
and I only got one decent ball.
Don't worry about that right now.
It's all I can think about.
I mean, Arch, that money has to come from somewhere.
Once your career takes off, the money'll come.
Tournament winnings, endorsements, sponsors.
It's a crazy coincidence that you said "sponsors."
I think I just got one.
You did?Yeah. Powell's Mortuary.
They're-they're gonna give us real money.
Huh.I mean, how great is that?
They only thing is, I can only wear their jersey
during tournaments, but still, high five!
So you made this decision without talking to me first?
I-I'm talking to you now.
This is good for both of us.
It means I'm a legit pro bowler. It's good for my brand.
Oh, I didn't realize you have a brand now.
Come on, Arch. It-It's business.
We both benefit. You understand, right?
Of course I understand.
No big deal.
Where are you going?
I just got to take care of some business.
[clears throat]
[microphone squealing]Lane five, your nachos are ready.
And, Smallwood, you have five minutes
to clear out your locker, or your stuff goes in the dumpster.
I'd make fun of you, but my nachos are ready, so...
What the hell is going on?
Nothing.Nothing?
You just took away my locker.
If you need somewhere
to store your stuff,
perhaps Powell's Mortuary has an empty casket you can use.
I knew it. It's about the jersey.
You know, I was really hoping you'd see the bigger picture.
It's not just the jersey.
It's the interview and that stupid hat
and that swollen head that's in it.
I get a lot of compliments on this hat.
You don't get it.
I had this whole thing planned out.
First we win a few tournaments,
then we get some big money from a big sponsor.
You think Nike would have called Tiger Woods
if he was wearing a jersey from a bunch of damn gravediggers?
Nike's not calling. Powell is.
He says he believes in me.
Oh, good. You finally found somebody who believes in you.
You know what I meant!
He knows what I meant.
Thanks for doing this.Oh, are you kidding?
This is the kind of cool, edgy stuff I dream about doing.
Finally, I get to do a hairstyle that doesn't scream,
"Tom Selleck is the Sexiest Man Alive."
I hope I'm as cool as you when I'm old.
Okay, uh, why don't we let this soak in
while I let that soak in?
Unbelievable.
Oh, hey, honey. This is Lee.
Hi. Nice to meet you.Oh, she's not listening.
Good. Unbelievable!
What's wrong?It's Archie.
He completely overreacted.
The one guy who's supposed to have my back
kicked me out of my locker.Oh, so the whole,
"Don't worry. I'll handle Archie" thing didn't work out.
Really? We're-we're gonna review the game tape while I'm down?
That's...
Okay, I'm sorry.
Apparently, I'm an egomaniac. How can he not see
that everything I'm doing is for us?
I-I wouldn't even be a bowler if it weren't for him.
Right.He's like a father to me.
That's true.The last person I'd want to let down is Archie.
I know. So why are you doing that?
You're right. I-I got to fix this.Okay.
Archibald.Helen.
I brought supper. Where's Tommy?
Not here.
When's he coming back?
Don't know.
What's going on?
Ask him.
Well, I'm asking you.
We had a dustup.
A big one.
You guys don't have time for dustups.
My son put his family at risk
to follow a dream that you told him he could do.
Well, apparently, he doesn't need me.
Oh, for God's sake, is that what this is about?
You may want to stop spraying those shoes
so you can start sucking your thumb.
Talking about somebody believing in him.
Well, guess who believed in him since the beginning. Me.
I know that. So does he.
Well, he didn't even mention me in that damn interview.
What the hell are you talking about?
He said he wouldn't be where he is without his family.
Well, I hate to break it to you, bonehead, you are his family.
Hey, um... what... what's that?
Is that your seven-layer lasagna there?
You know damn well it is.
But you don't get a bite of it
until you work things out with Tommy.
[whiny]: Aw.
Incentive.
Could I...?Oh! Yeah! [exhales]
You almost had yourself a sale. [laughs]
Oh.What?
Is this theTom Smallwood in my showroom? I...
I'm Jacob Powell.Oh, my goodness. So nice to meet you.
Oh, you probably don't want to do that. It's been a busy day.
So, uh, what brings you by?
Well, Mr. Powell, I wanted to talk to you about my jersey.
I really appreciate you wanting to sponsor me,
but it would mean a lot if I could have the logo
for Archie's Lanes on there, too.
Uh, no. You see, the logo rule is the same as the casket rule--
one per customer.
I mean, can't you just make an exception?
For the logo, not the casket.
I get that one.
Tom, if there's one thing I've learned
in the body box business, it's that life is short.
And unless people stop dying, I'm going to be putting money
in your pockets for a very long time.
Now, I get it.
The bowling alley guy helped you out.
But what you need to think about right now is your family.
Right?
Right.
Ah, yeah. Ooh.
You're a tall one, aren't you?
Yeah, we have to cut guys like you off at the knees.
Yeah, I'm kidding. We don't do that.
Uh, anymore.
So, I followed up with Foot Locker guy.Mm-hmm.
He's bald, overweight, really let himself go.
You're still gonna hook up with him, aren't you?
You know J.Lo's sister so well.
So, guess who I just saw
loitering outside the Dairy Queen with pink bangs and tips.
Lady Gaga?
Jen, I spoke to her. She told me what you did.
Okay, yes, I did her hair,
but I did it in my own home, on my own time.
That's not the point.
You represent this salon.
You've been working here a long time, Jen.
You know I created a very specific business model.
People come here knowing what to expect.
I mean, don't you want to evolve a little?
I mean, you might actually get more business.
My salon has been doing just fine
for 30 years with the same rules we've always had.
No crazy haircuts, no TV screens and no breastfeeding.
I know. I've read the sign.
When you have your own salon, you can do it your own way.
Hey.
Look, man, I-I just want to...Listen, man.
If I could just...I just need to...
You go. You go.No, you go ahead.
Can I just say something?!
I'm sorry. I-I didn't see an end to that.
Here.What is this?
It's a check from Powell's Mortuary.
That guy puts tombstones on everything, doesn't he?
It's meaningless
compared to everything you've given me over the years.
The free lane time, the lessons.
The bike you gave me so I could get
to the bowling alley after school.
The bottomless curly fries.
Well, the curly fries wasn't bottomless. Your stomach was.
Arch, youalways believed in me.
I forgot that for a minute, and I'm...
I'm really sorry.
I really appreciate that, Thomas.
Look,
and you know that...
Yeah.
And sometimes, I can be... eh...
Don't worry about it.
Really feels good to talk this out.
Listen, on second thought, why don't you just keep the check?
It's just a jersey. I don't really give a damn.
I do. You're my sponsor and you always will be.
Henceforth. I do say that too much.
Rip it up.You sure?
Yes.
There's gonna be a lot more money like that
when you and me win a PBA Championship as a team.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
Why?'Cause you can't keep your damn elbow in on your release.
Now get your ass down that lane.
We got a lot of work to do.
You know, when you smile real big,
the back of your neck crinkles up like a puppy dog?
Just shut up and bowl.
Thanks again for the flowers, Lew.
Oh, yeah.There's something creepy about them.
You should've seen 'em with the sash
that said "Gone too soon."
No, what's gone too soon is that money from Powell's.
Sorry about all that trouble, by the way.
So, how about another piece of that lasagna, Helen?
It was worth the wait.Well, the secret
is noodles, sauce, meat, cheese,
noodles, sauce, meat, cheese.
And then you just kind of keep doing that.
Don't give away the family recipe, Mom.
[knocking]
Oh, I'll get it. [sighs]
Hey. Lee, what are you doing here?
This is my friend Hannah. She likes what you did with my hair.
Oh, it's dope. Can you do the same for me except in blue?
[sighs] My boss would have a heart attack
if I did that again.
So come on in.
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