I suppose you want to close again tonight.
I could really use the hours. [muffled grunt]
I'm too good to you.
Looks like I get to go home
and watch Family Feud.
That Steve Harvey really blows my skirt up.
Your husband not working has been great for me.
He isworking.
I mean, not working,working. He's bowling.
Right. I think we're saying the same thing.
Oh.
When you sweep up the hair,
I want you to pull out any long strands
and shampoo them.
I sell them to my cousin who makes dolls.
Dad,
my tap dance group is performing at the mall next week.
I need you to sign this.
You put me down to chaperone?
Yeah. That just means you have to keep teenagers
from throwing stuff at us.
They're just jealous you get to wear a bow tie
and do a kickline with three pretty girls.
[pen scribbles]
All right, go get ready for bed.
I'm gonna wait up for your mom. I've barely seen her all week.
Okay. Night, Dad.
Good night.
Play music.
["Stay Together" by Al Green playing]
♪ Let's stay together
♪ I...
♪ I'm so in love with you
[exhales]
There's my queen.
A beverage, milady?
[burps, exhales]
Thanks. Good night.
♪
Mom usually gives me baby carrots,
not the big ones.
Little piece of info, Sam. I'm about to blow your mind.
Baby carrots aren't real.
They're just big ones cut into little pieces by a machine.
Yeah, right.
Enjoy your babies.
Aw, honey, I tried so hard
to get home early last night to see you.
How was your test?Fine.
Okay.
Morning.I'm gonna need you to mail these.
Also, they'll need stamps. Uh, we're out of milk.
The garage light is out. I'm gonna need you
to write this down.TOM: Oh, no, I got it.
I'll just picture myself licking a stamp
while a light bulb shoots milk in my face.
Okay. Sam,
what else happened at school? I want to hear all about it.
School. Stuff. You know.
Oh, I got to grab my backpack.
[exhales]What?
"School. Stuff. You know"?
That's all I get? I used to get a full report.
He gave me the whole lowdown.
Maybe I could fill you in tonight.
We could have dinner, dessert.
I'll even watch Great British Bake Offwith you.
Every time a new character comes on-screen,
I promise I won't go...
[British accent]: "Hello, governor."
[chuckles]
Look, I have clients all day, and I'm closing again.
Let's play it by ear?
Yeah. I-I just miss you.
I miss you, too. I miss Sam. I miss everything.
But this is the way it is.
Can't you just take a night off? My mom can watch Sam.
He can learn how to gut a fish.
[chuckles]
No. Someone has to pay the bills,
and right now, that person is me.
And we're still good with that, right? I...
Yeah. Course.
[phone chimes]
[grunts]
Oh, great. Ruth is pissed. I got to go.
Sam, I love you!
Oh, we're out of baby carrots.
[door opens, closes]
Your game is off. What's up with you?
It's this lane.
It's not level.
It's like rolling my ball down a 60-foot waffle.
My lanes are smoother than Denzel eating chocolate mousse,
and you know it.
Something's up your craw. What is it?
Nothing. Just having some problems at home.
It's no big deal.
Jen's just used to being
the one that gets to pick up Sam.
She helps him with his homework. They get all
that quality time together.
It's killing her that she doesn't get that.
I'm trying to fill in,
but I can't even cut his carrots right.
Well, why don't you just buy the baby ones?
Carl, gonna blow your mind, dude.
There's no such thing as a baby carrot.
They just take regular carrots, and they put it in a mach...
Nobody believes me.
Look, we got a tournament in a couple of weeks.
If you get your head in the game,
you could win some money.
That'd give you both some breathing room.
I want to do something for her now.
That look on her face this morning
when she left, it...
It broke me.
LEW: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.
Let's just... Let's just back up a bit.
Um, what do you mean,
there's no such thing as baby carrots?
I've eaten them, so...
There you go, Doreen. You're all set.
Have fun at the funeral.
"Have fun at the funeral"?
I know. My brain is mush.
And the craziest thing is she's not even going to a funeral.
Well, I know what'll fix you right up.
Mm.Margarita Mondays.
First round's on me, girl.
And I mean that literally. I plan on doing body shots.
I wish I could, but...
Margarita Mondays have turned into
"chug a beer in my kitchen while I worry
about paying my mortgage" Mondays.
Maybe 'cause it's longer, but yours sounds way less fun.
I know. It's just the way things have to be
until Tom's career starts to take off.
It was a wedding, not a funeral.
It's okay. They're kind of close.
Church. People crying.
Everybody's horny.
All right. I will see you next month.
[exhales] It's just this whole thing
is harder than I expected.
By the time I get home, Sam's already in bed.
I'm too tired to eat.
I'm barking orders at Tom.
I'm just not the wife or mother I want to be.
I want to be Jessica Alba.
Like, how does she make it look so easy?
Well, I heard she has six nannies,
two personal assistants,
and she's three-quarters fembot.
You already started drinking, didn't you?
I may have had a hard coffee.Mm-hmm.
Well, tonight is not gonna be as much fun without you.
I'm sure you'll survive
the ten minutes we spend together
before you disappear with some random dude.
Oh, that guy wasn't random.
He used to be the principal at my high school.
Oh.
Take this turkey sandwich.
It's got the perfect amount of meat, mayo, lettuce,
just a thin slice of tomato.
Thank you for seeing me.
Our life was like this sandwich.
It had a rhythm to it.
Everybody knew the part they played.
Now it's all mixed up.
Turkey's working double shifts.
She's missing the tomato,
and the bread can't do anything about it.
I was thinking with how pasty your skin is,
you'd be the mayo.
So, am I the turkey or the bread?
Have you two never heard of a metaphor?
I'm the tomato, right?
No. Forget the sandwich.
I just wish there was a way
for me to bring in some extra cash,
give Jen a day off
so she can get a massage, have some quality time with Sam.
Maybe even have dinner with me.LEW: Well, I mean,
you got your baseball card collection.
That's got to be worth something, right?
I'll thank you to never say that again.
Next idea, please.
Clinical trials are a great way to make some quick cash.
That's what I do.
You mean scientific experiments?
Don't those things have crazy side effects?
Nothing serious. I mean, one time, my toenails fell off.
Easiest hundred bucks I ever made.
Thank you.
I'll just keep that in my back pocket
until anyone suggests
literally anything else.
Hey, there's always the old Hardwood Hustle.
What the hell is that?
When Tom was a kid,
we used to hustle other bowlers out of money.
Fast way to make some cash.Yeah.
I don't wanna do anything shady.
I'm not doing that again.ARCHIE: You sure?
'Cause there's a telemarketers convention
that's rented out half the alley tonight.
Those bastards spend their days ripping off old ladies.
And even worse, calling me during my meditation!
You know what, they are constantly calling me, too.
Talking about I need to pay off my credit cards.
Like, what? It's weird.
[chuckles]
Lew, those aren't telemarketers.
Those are bill collectors.
You need to pay every month. You pay a little bit.
I got to go. I got to get Sam. I'll be back later.ARCHIE: All right.
But don't forget,
you got a tournament coming up,
and your game is all over the place.
A little hustle just might get your juices flowing again.
[chuckles] That was another side effect.
Mimi, no one wants to hear about your juices.
I'm listening.
All right, Sam.
If Mom can't be home, we'll bring home to her.
Little treat. Couple good stories from you.
Maybe she can help you solve
that math problem with the letters in it.
You said you knew the answer to that.
I do. I just think she'd like to tell you.
Mom!
Surprise!What?
Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
You brought me Froyo?
That's my favorite "yo."
All your favorite toppings. We got gummy bear.[phone vibrating]
We got cookie dough.TIA: Hey, Jen.
Your phone's buzzing.Oh. Okay.
I'll be right back. Don't cut anyone's hair.
Hey, Sam, when Mom gets back,
tell me that story you told me in the car.
I'll pretend I've never heard it.Got it.
Sorry.
Sam was just gonna tell me
something that happened in class today.
Okay.Based on his excitement, it may top the day
his health teacher threw up in the CPR dummy's mouth.
Yes! A Sam story straight from the source. Go.
So, Miss Hong was asking for volunteers...
Jen? I'm here.
Hey! Brenda. Uh, why don't you have a seat
and get settled, and I'll be right over.
Okay.
Continue.Honey, is-is this a bad time?
[phone vibrating]Yes, but I don't want you to go.
Jen, your phone's buzzing again.
Honey, it's fine.I'm in a little bit of a time crunch.
Do you want me to get it?No.
No, no, no. Uh, no, I got it.
I'm sorry, guys. I got to go.
But I love that you came by. Here.
Feel free
to eat my yo if it's still fro.
[chuckles]
[exhales]
How much would you give me
for this 1965 rookie card?
Keeping in mind he's a Hall of Famer
and only three people have ever touched this card.
Four.
Actually, sorry. Hold it gently, loosely by the edges.
Like that.
No, looselier.
Looselier. I'm...
You know what, I'm actually gonna hold on to this one.
And this one.
Also this one.
Wow.
This was a huge waste of your time.
All right. Hardwood Hustle it is.
Great. We're gonna take those fools down.
That'll teach them to sell a guy hair pills that don't work.
Sizes?11.
Nine.
So, I called the old lady back.
You sold her a second reverse mortgage?Damn right.
Plus a warranty to her car, and I don't even do those.
[both laugh]
All right, gentlemen. Have fun.
Ah.
Mm-hmm. While you still alive,
'cause you gonna be smoking turds in hell.[chuckles]
Um, Sam,
here's five bucks, pal. Um, go play video games, okay?
Nice.
All right. I'm going in.
All right, so, how we gonna play these chumps?
Rock the Baby? Skin the Goat?
Oh, Karaoke Night in Taiwan?
Does this look like Taiwan, dummy?
We're doing a classic Hardwood Hustle,
same as when Tom was a kid.
You throw the first game. You ask for another chance.
You double the bet, and then ba-ba-bam.
Okay.
I'm going in. Do I look like a sucker?
[chuckles]: You always look like a sucker.
You have cheese in your beard.
Howdy, fellas.
Hope I don't disturb you if I play over here.
It's been a few years since I bowled.
Boy, that lane sure is long.
Ugh. That act was a lot cuter when he was 11.
All right, Cinderella.
I'm off to the ball.
Okay, earrings or no earrings?
In that skirt, I don't think
anyone's gonna notice you have ears.
Okay. Have fun. Be safe.
Do not settle for a guy with a futon.
You deserve a bed that's never a couch.
Thanks, Mom.
Mm.
Least I can be a mom to someone today.
What are you talking about?
You were a great mom all day today.
How? I wasn't home.
I-I couldn't even take a Froyo break with them.
That's right. Because you were working your ass off
and showing Sam you'll do anything
to provide for your family
while your husband chases his dream.
Yeah?Hell yeah.
I would take that badass mom over robot Jessica Alba any day.
Do you ever notice that her eyes don't move?
It's like...
Thanks.
[chuckles]
You know, I got to stop feeling sorry for myself
and-and be in acceptance.
Like, this is my new life now, and we're gonna be okay.
And I just need to start focusing
on all the...Ooh. I got to go.
I think my gummy just kicked in.
Well,
here goes nothing.
How many pins do I need to catch up to you guys?
36.And you have ten left.
Ooh! Wow.
[grunts] That seems impossible.
You only lose when you don't try.
That's very deep, Brad.I'm Ben.
There you go being deep again, Brad.
Now comes the ba-bam.
I really feel like I started to hit my groove
towards the end there.
Guess it just wasn't your day.
I-I'm open to playing again.
I'd even be willing to double the bet.
What do... What do you say?
I'm good.
What?
I sell reverse mortgages.
Do you really think you're gonna hustle me?
[Brad and Ben laughing]
What the hell just happened?
I think you just got Karaoke'd in Taiwan.
Or, as they say... [speaks Chinese]
"The teacher has been taught."
What? I'm taking night classes.
Let me grow.
Hey.TOM: Hey.
Um, can I talk to you for a second?
I-I know you're tired.
Not that you look tired. You look great.[chuckles]
Fresh. Like the day I met you.
Okay. Honey.
Radiant?
I... Look, I just...
I know it's a tough time right now,
and the burden's all on you.
So I-I wanted to do something to give you a break.
Ba-bam.
[laughs]
But where did this come from?I had an interesting day.
I won a couple hundred bucks off a guy
doing the Hardwood Hustle.
It didn't go well at first. I actually lost money.
Okay.
But then I found this other guy.
[laughs] Guess I just got lucky.
You say the 7-10 split is difficult to pick up?
So you conned a guy out of his money?
I'm a smooth operator.
[chuckles]
And it worked perfectly until...
[mouths]
I couldn't do it.
I'm a dad now.
That doesn't set a good example for Sam.
So I gave the money back.
So where did this money come from?
I sold my baseball card collection.
What? Babe, come on. You love that collection.
I love you more.
It was a no-brainer.
[sighs]
Give them a good home.
Actually, maybe...
Maybe I could just say goodbye.
Just a little... Just five more minutes, maybe?
I'm having a bit of seller's remorse.
Is this money gonna
solve all of our problems? No.
Can you quit your job? Nope.
[chuckles]
Not even close.
But can you take a couple of days off?
You're damn right.
And the first day, you get to chaperone
Sam and his tap dance troupe to the mall,
and you'll get to tell me all about it.
The day after that, get to spend the afternoon at the spa
for some much deserved relaxation and pampering.
Followed by
pizza and wings. Maybe even that dessert.
You can tell it's just pizza dough with sugar on it,
but it's still pretty good.
I don't know. It-it depends on how much cash we have left.
Is that not good?
It's better than good.
You're always better than good.
All those years,
you worked a job you didn't love to keep a roof over our head.
You missed
so many things with Sam, and you never said a word.
You never made me feel bad about it.
Now it's my turn.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[chuckles]
We make a pretty good team.Mm-hmm.
Not as good as the '84 Tigers, which I had. Near mint.[groans]
With counseling, I'll-I'll get over it.
Okay.
Girl products smell different from boy products.
Boy products are all tobacco and leather.
It smells like a leprechaun baby shower in here.
[laughs]
Cute, right?
[exhales] You are helping me close
to spend time together.
Anything you say is cute.
[chuckles]
[both laugh]
Oops. Sorry. [chuckles]
You guys can have this room.
We'll just take the chair by the sink.
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