Hey, boo. Hey.
I got some great news.
You got a job. Nope.
Three interviews, three rejections
and one parking ticket.
I guess that's better than three parking tickets
and one rejection.
I sent out an email blast
to all of my clients about quitting Ruth's salon.
Uh, yeah, but you didn't quit.
My mom got you fired.
Well, I thought "moving on to new horizons"
sounded better than "my mother-in-law told my boss
to pull up her skirt and sit on a cactus."
Controlling the narrative, nice.Mm-hmm.
The great part is, a lot of my clients said
that they would follow me wherever I go.
Which, for the moment...
happens to be our kitchen sink.
Hey, Apple was started in a garage.
You're already doing better than those dorks.[chuckles]
Would you please fix
the doorknob in the downstairs bathroom?
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Pretty sure it's just a twisty-shaky deal.
That's why you're the best.
I thought it was a shaky-twisty deal.
Dinner's almost ready.Where's everybody?
Uh, Sam's washing up, and your mom's not here yet.
That's weird. She's never late for a taco night.
Unless it's on the same night as WrestleMania.
I'm giving her a call.
Got her voice mail.
Just leave her a message.Yeah, I'm trying to.
There's, like, ten seconds of dead air
before her greeting starts.
Mom, hi, uh...
it's taco night and where are you?
Can you please call me back? We're hungry.[laughs]
And one last time...
if you sneeze during your outgoing message,
you can just record a new one.
That's free, they don't, they don't charge for that.
Okay?
Call me back.
That's weird, she always answers.
Even when she's on the can.
Which is why I'll never FaceTime her again.
Great, now her mailbox is full.
Tom, I'm sure she's fine.
Yeah, probably.
It's only been half an hour.
You spend more time in the cereal aisle.
I don't want to overreact.
But I don't want to under-react.
You could just try reacting appropriately.
I'm gonna overreact.
♪
Mom?
Mom!
In here!In where?
The laundry room!
What?!
Well, what the, what the hell happened?!
[sighs]Are you stuck? Are you okay?
Are you a reporter?
Just give me a hand, damn it.
Okay, d-do I pull you out of it?
Or do I push it off of you?
Does it matter? Just get me out of here!
All the blood has rushed to my squirrel.
Oh, God.
Oh.Ready? Ready?
Okay-- ow, ow, ow!It's okay, stop!
Be careful, I think I've tweaked my back.
Uh, okay, um, put,
put your arms around my neck, like one of those monkeyOkay.
stuffed animals with the Velcro hands.
Yeah! Aah!Okay, ready?
BOTH: One, two.
Three-- together!Three!
[shouting]
Oh!
Geez, Ma. [whoops]
Okey dokey, let's roll.
"Let's roll"?
You're wobbling like a drunken marionette.
What the hell happened?
What's it look like?
I was doing a load of whites.
And you fell?
No, I didn't fall.
I... I... I slipped.
And it kind of evolved into a fall.
Geez, Ma, you-you could've hit your head or something.
How long were you stuck in there?
Not long.
Judging by the light moving
across the wall, I'd say...
no more than a few hours.
It's not a big deal.
Okay, let's go eat some tacos.
Hey...
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on...
♪
[indistinct chatter]
[hisses] Perfect. Okay.
Now I'm gonna post this on TikTok in slow-mo.
Maybe add, like, an explosion at the end,
Oh, or, like, a, like, a dinosaur that eats the ball.
Oh, okay.
Y-You think people will like that?
I'm trying to make bowling exciting
to a generation raised with nine
Fast and the Furiousmovies and free porn.
We need all the help we can get.
What the hell are you two doing?
Oh, Lew's helping me
up my social media game.
He needs a big following if he wants
TV contracts and a shoe deal.
Right now the only thing that comes up if you search my name
is a sea captain from the 1600s.
All right, Fake Spike Lee and Dumb-zel,
can we get back to bowling now?
Just give me a minute. I got to check on my mom.
She had a fall last night.
Wait, your mom fell? Is she okay?
Yeah, she's fine, I just found her
stuck butt-first in a laundry basket.
It was actually pretty scary.
She never has her phone on her, so she had to sit there
for hours until I found her.
Hey, Tom, this is getting a little depressing.
People are asking you to take your shirt off
to lighten the mood.
People are watching this now?
Fewer by the second.
Yeah, 4:00 p.m. Saturday sounds great.
I'll be there.
Here, I'll be here-- I live here.
In my kitchen. Uh, I don't live in my kitchen.
I-I work in my kitchen. Okay, bye.
I just booked another appointment.
That makes four today.
Hey!
I think between that and the 40 views
Lew got me on the Internet today, we're officially
a Saginaw power couple.
You know...
I think getting fired was the kick in the ass
I needed to start my own business.
What was I thinking, I was gonna work at Ruth's forever?
Oh, uh, hey, did you get
around to fixing the doorknob in the bathroom?
You only have to ask me once.
You didn't, did you?Uh-uh.
Mm-hmm.
But it's at the top of my list.
And I'm gonna get to that list
as soon as I check on my mom.
Okay, Tom, you don't need to keep worrying about your mom.
I mean, don't you think you're going a tad bit overboard?
No, what-what-what does that mean?
It means that your mom is not that fragile.
This is the woman who dove into Lake Michigan
in March just to get out of a conversation, remember?
I remember.
I kept waiting for her to emerge from the water
with a fish in her teeth like a seal.
Look, if Lake Michigan can't take her down,
I don't think a laundry basket will, okay?
She's a very resilient lady.Yeah, but I--
I'm starting to worry about her living alone at this age.
I mean, she's a proud woman.
She wouldn't even ask us for help if she did need it.
She's not that old.
She couldn't even call me.
What was gonna happen if I didn't get there in time?
I-I don't want to lose my mom because she doesn't like phones
'cause they make her pocket hot.
Okay, then why don't you just get her
one of those smart watches?
You know, then she can wear it all the time and call for help.
Plus, you'll be able to track wherever she is.
Wait, you're-you're suggesting we put a tracking device
on my mom like she's a wild animal?
[chuckles] That's a great idea.
You're welcome.
Well, wait, what are we doing here?
I thought we were going out for hotcakes.
Yeah, we are. I just have to pick something up first.
You know, this used to be a Radio Shack.
Oh, I used to love that place. Mm.
Then they just disappeared one day like a bad stepdad.
Yeah, they're the Orange Julius of ham radio parts.
All right, well, go on and get what you need,
and let's get going-- those hotcakes sell out like hotcakes.
Okay, uh, the truth, Ma...
we're not here to get hotcakes.
I don't even know what a hotcake is, to be honest.
Some sort of pancake?
No, it's not a pancake, it's a flapjack.
You know, a flapjack is a griddle cake.
You order a griddle cake in Alabama
and watch what happens.
So I've been kidnapped
by the two biggest idiots in the world?
No, we're not-- Look.
We're here to get a smart watch.
Lew knows all about 'em,
so I thought he could help us pick one out.
Yeah, just tell me what you need,
and I'll set you up.
What do I need a smart watch for?
When I wake up, I know it's 5:00 a.m.
When Blue Bloodsis on, I know it's 9:00 p.m.
Anything else, I'll get there when I get there.
Mom, it's not just to tell time, okay?
These things can make phone calls,
it keeps track of your location,
plus it's always with you.
Jesus is always with me, and he has no monthly fee.
Can I get a amen? Amen.
Okay, so it's not quite as good as Jesus,
but, you know, they're both waterproof.
Okay, look, it's not just for you, it's for me.
So I know where you are and-and that you're okay.
Oh, I see, you don't think I can take care of myself.
Is that what you're saying?No.
[stammers] Look... you can,
but if wearing the watch makes me feel better,
what's the big deal?
This is what I get for coddling you too much.
I knew I shouldn't have breastfed you
for two whole weeks.
Can I get some help, Lew?
I don't know, man, I think the damage is done.
The watches, Lew.
Oh, yes, yes.
Right, okay, um...
so these are the cheap ones.
Easy on the wallet, nice on the wrist.
Uh, do you have Wi-Fi?
She doesn't. She steals it from her neighbor.
If he has a problem with that, he can
wheel his chair over and tell me to my face.
I don't think we believe in the same Jesus.
Okay, um...
so once you sync your contacts with this,
you'll be able to use voice command
to make calls or texts just by holding this button.
It's-it's pretty self-explanatory.
If it's so self-explanatory, what are you still
flapping your yap about?
Come on, Ma.
These things are cool.
You can use it like a walkie-talkie like Dick Tracy,
send texts.Check the weather.
You can even set a reminder for Tom Selleck's birthday.
He's your favorite!
You'll never forget--
Ma?
She's gone.
Just like my last stepdad.
Come on, Ma, what's the big deal?
It's just a watch.
I am not an invalid.
I didn't say you were.
You didn't have to say it, the way that you're treating me.
Trying to get me to wear
some fancy LifeAlert bracelet.
Ma, you had literally fallen
and could not get up.
I'm not wearing that stupid watch
so that you'll know where I am every second.
Come on, don't think of it like that.
This thing can make your life a lot easier.
Look, I already set it up.
Call Tom.
WATCH: Which Tom?
Tom Smallwood.
Tom Smallwood was a ship captain
who was thrown overboard by his mutinous crew
in the year 1619.
He was probably trying to get 'em to all wear smart watches.
You're saying he was a good and fair captain
who cared about the well-being of his crew?
Look, what happened really made me worry, Mom.
Do you have any idea what was going
through my mind as I drove over here?
Don't worry about me.
I am not kicking the bucket anytime soon.
If I live as long as my mother did,
I still have 14 Christmases left.
Wow, Ma, you have a real chipper way of putting things.
I can't believe Hallmark hasn't snatched you up.
I am just trying to be realistic.
Yeah, and I'm doing this because I care.
Sometimes the baby duckling
is the one that has to, you know...
figure-- Oh, my God!
Just give me the damn watch.
Anything to shut the duck up.
Thank you, Mom.
Also, I'm taking you to the mall
to try on some laundry baskets.
No shame in going up a size.
♪
Hey, what's going on, y'all?
I'm here with Tom's coach, Archie Betts.
Anything you want to say to the fans?
Hey, Archine, you want to be on the Internet?
You want to be in the trunk of my car?
[laughs]
Man, he got jokes.
[sighs]
But I'm gonna turn this off just in case he's serious.
Hey, man, you get your money back on the watch?
Even better than that.
I got her to wear it.
So she's okay? She's fine.
She even hugged me.
She hugged you?
With whose arms?
Man, I'm just relieved.
Now, if anything happens, she can always call for help.
Plus I always know where she is.
Like, right now, check it out.
She is at...
Archie's Lanes.
Where is she?
Don't look at me. I ain't hiding her.
The only thing I got up under here
is a two-pound bag of Sour Patch Kids.
Damn things gonna cost me my foot one day.
[stammers] I don't understand what's going on.
Wait, it also says her heart rate is zero.
That seems low.
[laughing]
She slipped it in my coat!
Uh-oh, Mama's off the grid.
♪
Thank you for sticking with me.
I love it. I'll be back in a month.
Oh, great! And-and I promise
this setup is not permanent.
Sorry about the garbage disposal.
It almost cut your hair for me.
Jen, I--
Oh, wow!
That frames your face...
[stammers] Work it, girl!
[mouthing]
"Work it, girl"?
I don't know.Uh, Tom, what is wrong?
She won't wear it!
Oh. She slipped it in my pocket.
Now I have no idea where my mom is.
Oh, you mean like how it's been her whole life
up until yesterday?
It's different now.
She fell in a laundry basket. Wh-What's next?
She slips down a manhole and we never find her again?
Wait, Tom, are you talking about your mom or Mr. Bean?
You know I'm talking about my mom.
Not the greatest comedic actor of our generation.
Okay, Tom, Tom, you're spinning out.
I mean, sure, one day she'll be old enough
where you have to worry about her, but at that point,
she'll probably be living with us.
Then you'll always know where she is, and then...
you're gonna need that watch to find out where I am.
I-I have to get to the beauty supply shop
before it closes. Can you do me a favor?
Grab the towels in the bathroom,
and add them to this load?
Sure. Thanks.
I-I might be overreacting.
I-I just can't shake the vision of her
stuck somewhere in that house.
You know, it happens a lot more to old people than you think.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[thudding]
Jen?!
Jen?
You're right-- it was a shaky-twisty deal!
Call Jen.
WATCH: I'm sorry, I'm busy right now.
Call Jen.
I'm sorry, I'm busy right now.
Please call Jen.
I'm sorry, I'm busy right now.
You're going in the toilet.
HELEN: Tommy?
Ma?
Ma!What are you doing?
Why aren't you answering your phone?
Oh, oh, I wasn't answering my phone,
and you got worried?
Doesn't feel good, does it?!
Please help me, I'm stuck!
Hold on a second.
Let me run to the store,
and get you a smart watch.
Very good. Very, very funny.
I've been stuck in here for three hours!
[exhales]
Thanks, Ma.
No problem, that's why I keep a Leatherman on me.
This thing pulled out all your baby teeth
and pierced both my ears.
Thank you, old friend.
So, uh...
where's your phone?
I left it in my truck.What?!
You don't have your cellphone?Ma--
Wow, that's so irresponsible of you.Ma...
Lucky that I came along.
Lord knows you're so fragile.
Ma!
What?
I want you to move in with us.
What?
I want you to...
live here with us.
Well, where the hell is this coming from?
Around hour two sitting on the toilet.
Look...
I know you're fine, and-and falling
could've happened to anyone. The problem was me.
Yeah, I could've told you that.
Will you let me finish?All right.
Look, I just did a lot of thinking.
Mostly because the only thing that works
on this dumb watch is the meditation app.
Look, there's gonna be a point
where you can't take care of yourself
and you'll have to move in, but-but why wait?
Why not do it while you're healthy,
while we can all still enjoy each other?
So I am supposed to just
pack up my life
and move all my stuff in here.
Is that what you want?
I was hoping you would want that.
I mean, yeah, it's what I want.
I-Is that not...?
I don't know.
Most mothers would want that.
But... you should know...
I am very independent.
And I am just fine
being by myself.
I know.
And I would never go anywhere where I was not needed.
That's exactly what I'm saying. We-we...
You're saying that you need me, Tommy?Y-Yeah.
I mean, I-I'm gonna be traveling,
so I w... I won't be home,
and Jen is starting her business.
Sam...
He can't pluck and dress a chicken.
I mean, he has to learn from the best.
You're worse off than I thought.
Honestly, I...
I don't know how we've been doing it without you.
[sighs] Did you run this by the warden?
Not yet.
I'll have to do that before it's official.
Yeah, well, then I'm not gonna hold my breath
or drain my waterbed.
It's a big decision.
I have to pick the right moment to ask her.
Ultimately, it's Jen's call.
WATCH: Calling Jen.
[chuckles]: No. No, no. No.
Hopefully, she didn't hear any of that.
Okay, I know how much you care about your mom,
but this is a pretty big bomb to drop.
Okay.
So, is that a no, or...I didn't say that.
I just wish you had talked to me about it
before you floated the idea to her.
I switched to two percent milk without telling you,
and you were mad at me for a week.
Look, I hear you.
I-If you want to be mad at me for a week,
I totally get it.
She talked about renting out her place and giving us the money.
I mean, that-that could help us out.
Come on, you know this isn't about the money.
I know.
Come on, what do... what do you think?
I think you're a very sweet man
and an amazing son.
And as much as I think your mom is a pain in the ass,
I do love her.
And I love you.
Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Just so you know, there are going to be times
where you see me just sitting in the car.
Don't come get me.
Yes, ma'am.[chuckles]
This is gonna be bad.
Oh, my God.[laughs]: I know.
Jen, this is gonna be brutal.Oh, yeah.
But, you know, we got to make the most of it.
Who knows how many Christmases we have left?What?
That is terrible. Where did you get that from?
Where do you think?
[TV playing indistinctly]
Hey. Good news.
Lew got me up to 50 followers,
and when you search my name, Tom the bowler comes up
before Tom the sailorman.
Couldn't be happier for you.
[clears throat]
Hey, hey. Turn down the hose.
My waterbed is almost at capacity.
This is great.
Oh, oh, don't touch that TV.
Blue Bloodsmarathon is just about to start.