Ugh, Lew. What the hell is in this smoothie you made me?
It tastes like I'm licking a lawnmower blade.
That would be the grass.
You mean wheat grass?
Nah, that wasn't in the budget.
This is in-front-of- my-mom's-house grass.
I have three tournaments to qualify for the World Series.
I don't think drinking dog pee and weed killer
is gonna help get me there.
Hey, where the hell is Archie?
I left him two messages and he didn't get back to me.
I'm worried about him.Yeah.
You know, he told me if he ever doesn't show up for work,
I'm supposed to clear his browser history
and throw his laptop in the Saginaw River.
I'm gonna go check on him.
You can clear his history,
but hold off on the river.
And, uh, Lew?
You know, if something ever happens to me, maybe you...
I got you.
[saxophone playing]
What are you doing here?
We're supposed to be practicing.
I am.
[playing bluesy melody]
Great, great, great.
Will you cut that out?
What's going on?
Can't a brother play some blues in his panda pajamas
without people asking a bunch of questions?
[playing bluesy melody]
[honks]
Come on, man.
What is wrong?
Well, I didn't want to say anything,
but... your mom ghosted me.
What?
Yeah, we went on six dates.
Everything was going great and then all of a sudden
she stopped answering my calls and text messages.
That doesn't mean anything.
She's probably just busy. Can we...?
I saw her at Sam's Club yesterday.
Then when I waved, she just knocked over
a plate of meatball samples and disappeared in the chaos.
Okay, look, you know my mom.
There's a good chance she just didn't like the meatballs.
She's giving me the brush-off. Man, I can feel it.
No. N-No.
Stop it!
There is a reasonable explanation.
I-I'm sure everything's fine.
You think?Absolutely.
But come on, man. You gotta pull yourself together.
We got big tournaments coming up. I need you.
Yeah, well, at least somebody does.
That's the spirit!
Come on, use that.
Go in the back, thrown on a tracksuit,
let's get to the alley. We got work to do.
Yeah, you're right. You're right.
Okay.All right. I'll meet you down there.
Okay, right. All right.
[playing bluesy melody]
All right, bald Kenny G.
We got to go! Get dressed.
There's a million amazing Black jazz musicians out there.
Why I got to be Kenny G?
♪
[pins clatter]
What do you think?
I think it must've been my toes that drove Helen away.
They're out of order.
My middle toe looks like it ought to be the thumb toe.
I meant my release.
Archie's not wrong.
Every time he wears flip-flops,
it looks like his foot's giving me the finger.
Can we just focus, please?
Archie's feet are a done deal.
We could still fix my release.
So it was my feet.
Did she say that?No.
She didn't say anything.
So she's not even thinking about me at all then.
And why would she? I'm disgusting.
Come on, man. You're spinning out.
You know what? Maybe it was our last date.
I was cooking at my place.
Opened a bottle of wine, put on some nice music,
grilled a couple of delicious steaks.
The hell was I thinking?
Hold on.
If you want, I can talk to her tonight.
I-I'll ask her what's wrong, which I'm sure is nothing.
Really?Yes.
Now look, I think the best thing for you to do:
take this energy, let's focus it into bowling and me.
Right. Right.Okay?
All right, this is the new McQuinn grip.
Something I saw online that I wanted to give a try.
It's a little bit like that. What do you think?
You know, bowling's a funny thing.Yes, sir.
You roll your ball down the lane. Mm-hmm.
It always comes back.Coach me up.
What if one day it doesn't? And you never see it again.
[grunts]: Mm.
So? You just call Mike the repair guy.
He's not talking about bowling, Lewell.
[whirring]
All right, stop that.
[gasps] Wow! That's beautiful.
Yeah?
I'm videoing the whole thing
and then posting progress updates to build anticipation.
Design porn is really in.
Still not as big as regular porn.
Helen, when you offered to help,
I had no idea that you were gonna build the whole thing.
You are like a fairy godmother with a nail gun.
Well, I didn't do that much.
I just sanded the cabinets and put in new plumbing
and hung new drywall, and I'm about to grout this tile.
But I'm telling you, whoever laid this foundation
didn't know his ass from a four-stroke power trowel.
Hashtag: "Grandma Grouts."
I have always dreamed of having my own salon.
And now it's becoming a reality.
Okay, okay, enough of that. Uh, why don't you all take a break?
'Cause I gotta run a new power line
from the breaker box to where the new dryer chairs are.
Are you sure you don't want any help?
HELEN: Nope, I got it.
It's kind of dicey.
If you grab the wrong wire,
you're fried like a hobo climbing an electric fence.
I'm gonna post this, and then eat some sushi in my bikini.Okay.
Hmm?Oh, that's for a different post.
That's the one I get paid for.
Helen, how do you know how to do all of this?
Tom built a bicycle for Christmas
and it took Sam three guesses to figure out what it was.
[chuckles] You know, when Tommy's dad died,
we didn't have any money for a handyman,
so I had to figure it out.
Men act like it's so hard,
but you don't need a ding-dong to install a doorbell.
Oh! Hey, hon, look. What do you think?
Oh, yeah, yeah, great. Mom, what the hell is going on?!
Well, don't blame me.
Your foundation is crooked as a congressman.
No, I'm talking about Archie.
Why aren't you returning his messages?
I've been busy.
Yeah, that's the same lie I told him.
Come on. Y-You're making excuses.
Tom, calm down.Hey, I can't calm down.
I'm three tournaments from qualifying for the World Series,
and she just broke my coach.
You know, not everything is always about you, Tommy.
What does that mean?What are you thinking?
You should be thanking her.
Look at everything she helped me do.
Thanking her? Are you kidding me?
Okay, well, obviously you don't care,
but if you look around, she has helped build
half of this salon.
Kind of like the bicycle you put together for Sam.
I should've made a bigger deal about your salon.
I guess I've just been, you know, caught up in my own thing.
That's okay.
It does look great, doesn't it?
Oh, gosh, wait till you see when they...
But this is exactly what I was worried about
when they started dating.
I mean, Archie is a wreck.
He's completely useless as a coach.
Well, your mom is channeling her energy
in my direction.
She's never been more helpful.
Well, good for you.Yeah.
Good for me. She hauled an entire sheet of drywall
up the steps by herself.
It was like watching an ant carrying an apple core.
You know what I wish she'd carry? Hmm?
A conversation with Archie
explaining why she's blowing him off.
Look, all I know is,
thanks to her, the salon is going to be finished
faster than I ever imagined.Yeah.
Same goes for my bowling career.
[groans]Thanks to her.
And I think we can both agree
that's, you know, the priority right now.
Really? Hmm.
And in the weeks where you don't win,
what's going to pay the bills? [gasps] The salon.
Well, I can't win if I don't have a coach.
Yeah, and I don't have a salon if I don't have Helen.
I think someone's being a little selfish.
Yeah, I agree.
Someone is.
All right. I've heard enough.
Geez, Ma! Were you eavesdropping?
How else would I have heard enough?
If anybody owes anybody an explanation, it's Archie.
You're married?!
Congratulations!
Is it true, Arch? You're still married to Loretta?
Is that all this was about?
I was worried it was something serious.
Oh, you thought your toes were a deal-breaker,
but a wife isn't?
I don't have a wife. I have an ex-wife
that I'm technically not legally divorced from.
And it's just one toe.
The rest of them line up like the von Trapp family.
Loretta and I have been emotionally
and physically separated for 20 years.
I didn't think it was a big deal.
Big deal? Arch, my mom reads the Bible for a good time.
Her slogan is, "Do unto others before they do it to you."
You really think she was gonna be cool
with dating a married guy?
We're not married!
We just never filed the paperwork.
Why not?Because
Loretta's a vindictive,
mean-spirited bag of "I'll see you in hell."
Look, there's no way my mom's gonna go out with you again
until you're officially divorced.
Can't you go to Loretta one last time
and just ask her to sign the papers?
No point.
The last time we were together,
Loretta tossed me a cooked ham and unleashed her dog.
Doing okay?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm just asking because you're about to
sand a new window into that wall.
Oh, sorry. Just got a lot on my mind.
If you don't mind my asking,
how'd you find out Archie was still married?
Oh, just call it women's intuition.
Come on, we both know that's a bunch of crap
we say to scare them. [chuckles]
What'd you do?
Okay, I'm not proud of it,
but I was digging through Archie's desk drawer
while he was in the bathroom.
Oh, you were snooping. So it was women's intuition.
I found his tax return that said he was still married
to Loretta.
Well, why haven't you talked to him about it?
I'm not talking to some other woman's husband.
Not to defend Archie,
but come on, you know he's a good guy.
And he and Loretta, they haven't been together for years.
Yes, I know that.
Okay, so what is going on?
[sighs]
Helen?
Fine.
The thing is,
we were having a really...
good time...
that night, and I started to get...
scared.
Scared of what?
Going to the boneyard!
Doing the naked wheelbarrow race.
Missionary. Do I have to spell it out for you?
I think you just did.
The only man I've ever been with is Tommy's dad.
Oh. Okay, um...
Okay, I-I see. We don't have to talk about this.
Yes, we do.What?
I don't have anybody to confide in, and I am dying here.
Kind of like I am right now?
[scoffs][clears throat]
Okay, okay.
Uh, here we go. Intimacy is very...
...intimate.
Okay.
When two people care about each other, they just...Oh, God.
I know how it works.
It's just that it's been...
It's been 20 years since I've had these feelings.
Okay. Well, isn't it a good thing
that you're having these feelings again?
Yes.Yeah.
Well...
I don't know.
We're talking about Archie here.
I think if you focus on how much you care about him,
everything else, it's just gonna fall into place.
Yeah.
I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.
Thanks.
You got this.Yeah.
It's like climbing back on a bike.
Seems more like a unicycle with no seat.
Okay, good talk.
Great. Now Jen is ghosting me because of your mess.
It takes days to ghost somebody, fool.
She's just ignoring your ass.
Quit stalling and just go knock on Loretta's door.
Okay. Just give me a minute.
What is this?
I don't know how this is gonna end up.
I got to get right with God before I go in there.
Quit stalling.
Get those divorce papers signed, you get Mom back,
I get you back, and we all go to Dairy Queen for Dilly Bars.
She probably don't even live here anymore.
I don't see no cauldrons or flying monkeys.
You have got to be kidding me.
I have been on hold for half an hour.
And if you have come back to tell me one more time,
"The doctor's in surgery,"
the next person he's gonna be operating on is you!
Go, man. Go now. Somebody done released the kraken.
Arch, we can't turn back.
This is the only way for you to move forward with your life.
Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say.
You wasn't the one running for your life
with a hot-ass ham in your hands.
That's the dog you're afraid of?
Archie?[whimpers]
Archie Betts. What the hell you doing
parked outside of my house?
You're lucky Howly Berry just had lunch.
[growling]
I feel like I'm in some sort of creepy haunted dollhouse.
More tea?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, it's nice to see you again, Tom.
You sure have grown into those eyebrows.
Why, thank you. [chuckles]
So, Loretta...
[plastic crinkling]
That's why skin has so many layers.
[clears throat] About these divorce papers...
Oh, it's very simple.
Archie knows what he needs to do if he wants me to sign anything.
Not happening.
Come on. What does she want?
Your alley? Your Cadillac?
Your saxophone? I can go get it.
I don't want anything from that fool.
All I want is an apology for our last fight.
And then I'll sign anything he wants.
That's it? I-I mean, come on. Archie?
[dog whines]
Why won't you do it?
I don't have anything to say.
Except your tea was room temperature.
I-I feel like we can work this out.
We're all grown-ups.
What was the fight about?
Socks.Toilet paper.
Okay, I heard "socks" and I heard "toilet paper."
Was someone using socks for toilet paper?
Loretta, why won't you just sign the papers?
Where should I stab him, in the heart or in the eye?
Damn it, woman. I finally found someone I can see a future with.
So please, Loretta, why don't you just sign the damn papers
and free me from your cruel emotional prison?
If that doesn't sound like an "I'm sorry,"
I don't know what is.
Hey, hey.Hey.
Look who's here.
Hello, Helen.
Archibald.
Maybe I'll just move this nail gun over here.
That's a good call.
Maybe let's get it out of the room altogether.
So, how you been?
I haven't seen you since you threw those meatballs at me.
I didn't throw them at you. I just didn't like them.
The tastiest thing about them was the toothpicks.
And how's your wife?
Actually, I don't have one anymore.
Loretta and I are officially divorced.
Well, I hope it's not on my account. I am no homewrecker.
I'm sorry, Helen.
I never meant to hurt you.
Eh, you wanna see who can take a punch better?
Look, the truth is, I was just too damn stubborn to admit
I was wrong with a woman I don't even love anymore.
But the real problem was I kept a secret from a woman I do.
Like. Now.
Very much.
[clicks tongue]
The truth is, Arch, I think I was looking for a way out
because I started to get really scared.
Why didn't you just tell me that?
You know you can talk to me.
I know.I mean, if you have it in your heart to forgive me.
Oh, everyone deserves a second chance.
Except for Norway. [scoffs] They know what they did.
What?I just missed you. That's all.
[laughs]
Come on, let's go get a bear claw.
Yeah, let's do that.Yeah.
What's her problem with Norway?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All I know is she booed all their dolls
on "It's a Small World."
Well, I have to get back to painting.
You know, my "not as important as your bowling career" salon.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong to say that.
Obviously, your dream is just as important as mine.
Thank you.
I just never want our relationship
to fall apart because I'm too stubborn
to admit when I'm wrong.
So, for the record,
I apologize for being wrong about that,
and for everything I did in the past that was wrong.
In fact, I'll even throw in a pre-apology
for everything wrong I do in the future.
That's not how it works.
You're right. I apologize.
Apology accepted.
Now get to work.
I just lost my best contractor.
What?
These are the muscles I use to bowl.Oh...
Sorry for using the last of the milk.
Mm. That's okay.
I like it dry.
[crunching loudly]
Sweetie, no, I was wrong to not check
to see if there was more before I did that.
I-I'm sorry.
Wow. I think I could get used to this.
I wouldn't get your hopes up, I don't think it's gonna last.
I'm sorry.
[laughs] Good morning.
Morning.
You seem awfully chipper. What's-what's gotten into you?
[singsongy]: Good morning!
Oof.
Can I get some water?
The Arch is parched.