All right, looks like we're ready to hit the road.
Is it okay if we don't get all emotional this time?
I don't get emotional when he leaves for tournaments.
I'm not talking to you.
I had allergies.
Go ahead, check the pollen count for that day.
I wish I could come, Dad.
I've never been to one of your tournaments.
I know, pal. I wish you could come, too.
I wish you could all come, but this is the Milwaukee PTQ.
It's my last chance to qualify for the World Series of Bowling.
I need no distractions.
Tom's right. The World Series can get him
into every PBA major next year.
Bigger tournaments mean bigger money.
That's right, and we're gonna need that for the offseason.
Tom and I have a routine that works:
just the two of us, no distractions.
That's our secret weapon.
Yeah, mine is a sock full of nickels
that I've got hidden under my mattress.
You understand, though, right, Sam?
I guess.
I'm gonna go back to sleep. Good luck, Dad.
Thanks, buddy.HELEN: We'll wake you up for school.
Wanna walk me out to the truck,
say goodbye?
Well, it depends. What's the pollen count?
[groans]What?
Are you okay?No. I'm so nervous.
This is a huge tournament for you, for all of us.
I know you're under a ton of pressure,
but are you sure that you don't want me to come?
Honey, you know I'd love for you to be there,
but I invite you, I'd have to invite my mom.
You know how she can be.Ugh.
Okay, I get it.
I'm gonna go back to bed.
Good luck, babe.Thanks.
I like your butt.
I like yourbutt.
Oh, Tommy, are you sure you don't want me to come with?
A boy can always use his mother.
Ma, you know I'd love for you to be there,
but if I invite you, I have to invite Jen.
You know how she can be.
Yeah, well, at least you and I know the truth, right?
Right.
Good luck, son.
Thank you.Don't suck.
We did the right thing.Oh, hell yeah, we did.
We gotta stick with the same routine that we always do.
Pe-goots-ka.
Right.
What?
Practice-- "peh."
Okay, watch game tape of how the lanes are breaking--
"goot."
Sleep-- "ss."
Then kick ass-- "ka."
Pegootska!
Rolls right off the tongue.Right.
As much as I want everyone there,
it's the wrong move.
I need total focus, no distractions.
"Pegrunska."
"Pegrunska"?
"Pendadota."
[Italian accent]: Pendadota.
Pegoo... Pegoot...Pegrats.
Pegootska! It's easy!
♪
Honey, calm down, please. Sam is fine.
We just don't have time to turn around 'cause
I gotta get to Milwaukee to get my practice time in.
Okay. I love you.Goodbye.
Your mom is not very happy with you, young man.
Frankly, neither am I.
I'm sorry, I just really wanted to see you bowl.
I promise I won't be in your way.
[sighs] All right. Fine.
I can't believe Sam would pull a stunt like this.
Oh, come on. By the time I was his age
I had already taken my first joyride on a street sweeper.
Cleaned half the roads in my neighborhood
before they busted me.
Not helping. Sam would never make it in juvie.
He hates sleepovers.
Well, this might cheer you up.
I handed out fliers at a high school for our salon.
Got us booked solid through prom season.
I also set up a scheduling system
on our Google page, and organized
all the combs by height.
You have been really productive
since you started this sex cleanse.
I know. I just realized that sleeping around
was a distraction from what I really want.
It's been six weeks,
and I've never felt such a sense of clarity.
I may never go back to having sex.
[both laughing]
What's so funny?
Oh, please say that bastard squirrel
finally got snatched up by a hawk.
Sorry, no such luck.
[groans] This day!
It's turning into a real steaming cow pie.
That fuzzy rat lives on to taunt me,
and Sam pulled a sneaky, underhanded move
that I should have thought of first.
Why aren't you guys going to Tom's tournament?
Isn't it a big one?
[sighs] The biggest one yet, but...
us being there adds to his pressure,
so we all agreed to just send
our love and support from here.
Yeah, and Tommy made it pretty clear who he wants there
and who he doesn't.
Exactly.
So, Lew, you in charge while Archie's away?
Yep, he said he has full confidence
in my managerial abilities.
Plus, he couldn't afford to close the alley for two days,
so he...
Well, listen, you're out of straws.
And I don't drink straight from the glass.
I'm not an animal.
Not a problem.
I'll just go to the supply room...
Uh-oh.
Yeah, I lost the key.
Is that a big deal?
No, nope, no.
No, it's nothing to freak out about.
[laughs]
But it is on the same ring as the key to the front door,
and I am freaking the hell out about that.
I'm gonna have to call Archie and tell him.
Cool, I've never seen somebody
get murdered over the phone before.
Wait.
Wait, no, no, no, Tom has an extra set of keys
for when he comes to the alley early.
I can just call Jen and ask if she can bring them over.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
You know, I'm a good guy.
Why can't I have any joy in my life?
What are you doing?[pins clattering]
Uh, I'm meditating.
You know, clearing my mind.
Oh.
Why?
Um, it-it helps me concentrate.
Before I practice...
Sam, I-I really have to do this,
so no more questions about meditating, okay?
Okay.
[exhales]Ba-bam!
Yeah, we're all signed in.
Now we only got this lane
for half an hour-- you done meditating?
Evidently.
Well, good.
Shoot, let's rock and bowl, baby.
JEN: There you are!
Jen?
Hi, Mom.No. Don't "hi, Mom" me.
You and I are gonna have a talk.
Okay, can we have a talk before you guys have a talk?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Can I talk before you go talk about his talk?
We got to bowl!
Good talk.
Just one second.
[stammers] What are you doing here?
I did not come to bother you.
I just came for Sam.
I'm gonna take him home.
Sounds good.Mm-hmm.
It's actually a huge relief.
Say no more-- this is the most important 24 hours
of our lives, and our future sort of depends on how you do.
Which is not what you should be thinking about right now,
even if it's all that I can.
I really think after you said, "Say no more,"
you could've said no more.
All right, we're running out of practice time.
Let them go, we got to go.JEN: Okay, you got this.
[exhales] You got this.
Why isn't he bowling?
Well, that was a total waste of time.
If I wanted to watch a dummy standing around doing nothing,
I'd have just gone to the wax museum.
It wasn't my fault.
I couldn't focus or concentrate.
And you never want to go to the wax museum.
We're sorry, Tom. We didn't mean to distract you.
Already blew the "peh,"
but we still have the "gootska."
We're just gonna grab Sam's stuff,
and we'll be out of your hair.
[hums] Oh!
Don't worry, Tommy. Mama's here,
and I'm cooking dinner.
Ma, what the hell are you doing here?Well, I could ask
the same thing to Miss "I'm just going out for some beer"
when you know that I always keep a six-pack
in my go bag.
Hey, for your information,
I just came to get Sam and leave.
Hey, but if she's staying, so am I. It's only fair.
Okay? Besides,
it's me and Sam's future riding on how he does.
Which you should completely not be thinking about
right now.
Again, sweetheart, the way warnings work
is you give them beforeyou freak someone out.
HELEN: All right, all right, all right. What Tommy needs
is just some of his mother's Crock-Pot lasagna.
It's your favorite.
ARCHIE: Ooh![Tom exhales]
Please tell me the edges are all crispy like I like it.
Arch.
Come on, man.ARCHIE: Uh, he...
He-He's right. You shouldn't be here.Oh.
But I missed my shnookie.
Come on. Wh-What happened to our secret weapon?
Pegootska. Pegootska. Pegootska.
JEN: Okay, look,
everybody just needs to calm down.
Tom and I will get another motel room,
and he can study his game tape in peace and quiet.
Okay?Well, that's not gonna work.
Everything's booked up for the tournament.
TOM: This is great.
This is just great.JEN:Okay,
bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. Tom,
calm down. You sit here.
Sit. Here's your laptop.
Okay. And we will all be completely quiet
while you study tape
and enjoy some of your mother's delicious lasagna.
All right, all right. Okay. Yes.TOM: Okay. Thank you.
HELEN:Okay.
SAM:Uh-oh.
Son of a...[smoke detector beeping]
[overlapping chatter]It's over there, it's over there.
Go. Go.
Hello?
Sorry, we're clo...
Oh, hi.
[deep voice]: I mean, hi.
I'm Tia. Jen asked me to drop off this key.
Are you Lew?Yes, I am.
[chuckles]Yep. We-We've actually met before.
We have?Yeah. We went to high school together?
Y-You were... You were a cheerleader. I was in band.
You were in a band?
Nah, I was inband.
Oh.I was in band. Yeah.
The marching band.
Well, sorry. I'm terrible with faces.
You wouldn't believe how many guys
I've woken up next to and was like, "Have we met?"
[laughing]
Same here.
[whispers]: What?
Uh, well, uh, here you go, Lew.Yes.
Thank you. [laughs]
Um, let me go just make sure it works.Yeah.
Yeah.
Just one second here.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
You know what? It...
It's probably all them weights I've been lifting.
That's what it is.
You probably should call a locksmith, I guess?
Yes. Uh... [exhales]
Oh, it's-it's too late.
I'm not gonna be able to get anyone out here
until morning.So what are you gonna do?
I mean, you can't keep the door unlocked all night.
[scoffs] It's not a big deal.
You know, I-I'll just hang out here until then.
My mom... My-my roommate.
My roommate. My roommate will understand.
I thought firemen were supposed to be nice.
America's heroes, my sweet ass.
I can't believe they would evacuate
an entire motel over one smoke detector.
Or that the people upstairs are clearly filming a porno.[door closes]
What I can't believe
is they had to take the lasagna as "evidence."
Lying bastards. You know damn well
they going to town on that thing right now.
Okay, all right. Enough.
I didn't get to practice or watch game tape.
The "pegoot" is out the window.
If I want a shot at the "ska,"
I need to rest. Right now.
Okay, okay. Everyone, I... It's really late.
We're all on edge.
Let's just go to bed.
That bed?
[Sam grunting]Okay.
SAM: Ow.Shh. Shh!
[grunts]
Can someone get the light?
I'll get the light. [exhales]
[all grunt]
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable!JEN:H-Honey,
calm down. It was an accident.TOM: Okay, look,
this is not a vacation for me. I am at work right now.
We're all uncomfortable. Someone has their foot
parked between my cheeks
like a bike rack. [mutters]
This isn't about you.
This isn't about any of you. I-It's my ass
that's on the line tomorrow.HELEN: Hey,
take it easy.
TOM: I don't have that luxury.
If I make one mistake tomorrow,
one mistake, this whole thing goes away.
All the pressure's on me!
Okay, honey, it's gonna be okay.
You don't know that. Idon't know that.
What are you saying, Tommy?TOM: I'm saying
you shouldn't have come.
Enjoy the bed. I... I'm gonna sleep in the tub.
[Jen exhales]
[door opens]
Can I get a pillow, please?
Can I get a white one?
They don't wash these!
[laughs]
Hey, thanks again for staying with me.
I hope it didn't upset any plans.No.
I haven't been going out much since I started my sex cleanse.
Oh, sex cleanse? What's that? Like, doing it in the shower?
No, it's like not doing it at all.
I just felt like my life was out of control,
and I was sleeping with every other guy I met.
You know, the old me
would probably be going at it with you right now.
Oh. [clears throat]
[sputters]Well,
good riddance, old her. [laughing][chuckles]
[clears throat]
So...[grunts]
You okay?
So, what's your number?
Oh, it's 989-79...[chuckles]: No,
I meant, like, your numbernumber.[clears throat]
Like how many people you've slept with.
Oh.
Oh, it's okay. You don't have to tell me.
No, it's okay. I could tell you. It's, uh...
How about we say it at the same time?
Okay.
It's three.31.
Three-tee-one!
What the heck? It's the same as you.[chuckles]
That's wild!
That's so crazy.
Oh, good morning.
Damn mattress was a little too soft.
Was it?
Do you have the imprint of a nonslip shower mat
on your back and most of your ass?
Well, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the tub.
What's going on? Where is everybody?
They went home.
What?
Were they mad?No.
Matter of fact, they told me to tell you that they were wrong
and they shouldn't have come and they're sorry.
Okay. That's good. That's good.
That's what we wanted. Now-now we can salvage
what's left of this tournament.
I mean, if you think I have a chance.
Yeah, when you got the best coach in the world,
you always have a chance.
All right, put some pants on that nonslip ass.
Let's get the hell up out of here, man.
You're going to the free breakfast,
aren't you?Damn right, I'm going to free breakfast.
Ugh.
[grunts]
Well, that was an interesting night.
I don't remember anything after our karaoke duet.
That was fun.
[chuckles] I never sang "Islands in the Stream" before.
[chuckles]Oh, no, no, I have.
Just not the man's part.Right.
[chuckles]
Oh![laughing]: Oh!
[laughs]
Wait.
Wait, did we...?
No. You had way too much to drink,
and I was a perfect gentleman.
[exhales]Well,
phew. [laughing]
But I had an amazing time with you. [chuckles]
You're a really great guy.
[chuckles]
[door opens]CARL: Morning.
I'll have the usual for breakfast,
but for lunch, I'm thinking I'll get a...
Whoa.
What the hell happened here?
Nothing.
Hey.
How you feeling?Cramped. Achy.
Think that bathtub gave me athlete's foot on my face.
I got athlete's face, Archie.
I didn't watch tape. I didn't practice.
I don't know how the hell I'm gonna beat these guys.All right,
listen, don't think about that right now, okay?
Close your eyes for a minute.
Just concentrate on what's really important.
[exhales]Why you're doing this, who you're doing it for.
That's the only thing that matters.
Arch, I messed up, man.
I-I screwed up big-time.
[sighs]
All right, listen, you need to relax.
This happens sometimes
when you're under stress.[exhales]
I brought extra underwear.
Not that!
I-I-I meant my family.
They're what matters most to me.
I mean, Sam was only asking me all those questions
because he's proud of what I do.
And Jen drove all the way here just to help me out.
My mom sped through three states
with a Crock-Pot on her dashboard
just so I could have my favorite meal,
and what did I do?
I-I yelled at them for it.
You did.
I wouldn't be here without them.
I shouldn't be here without them.
Oh, don't worry, man.
You worry too much.
Got the best damn coach out of all these chumps.
I'm sorry, Arch. A good coach is not what I need right now.
I need to make this right.
Jen, hey. Listen,
I am so sorry I yelled like that.
I-I... Could you maybe come back?
[crowd cheering]
Sweetheart, I-I'm having a hard time hearing you.
It sounds...
It sounds like you're in a really big crowd.
I called them and told them to turn around.
Like I said,
best damn coach.
"Bedooca."
Rolls right off the tongue.
Thanks, Arch.
You want to know how to thank me?
Take your bath mat ass out there
and bring this thing home, okay?
For all of us.
JEN: You got this, honey!
Go, Dad!Yeah, son!
You can wipe the floor with these hamburger clowns!
You want to tell your family to pipe down?
No.
No, I do not.
Plus, they would... They wouldn't listen to me, anyway.
[Jen whoops]
Yeah!
Thank you, Lew.Fresh beer.
Yes, yes, yes. Fresh beer.Drink up.
First place in PTQ. I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.ARCHIE: That's right, baby. You did it.
World Series of Bowling, here we come.LEW: Let's go.
Yeah.Can't wait.
But maybe let's book a hotel room with two beds?
Maybe a softer tub?
I want to make a toast.All right.
Looks like Archie and I have a new secret weapon:
all of you.
We're all in this together. Pegootska!
ALL: Pegootska!
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