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Jeff! If I can't hit you there, then keep going out and then I'm gonna throw.
Helena, you just go straight out. Okay, everybody ready?
Sally, just go straight out and then turn, okay?
Thirteen, 12, four.
Keep cutting! Keep cutting!
- Six, eight, nine, seven. - Wrong number.
Two, three, four, five!
Hike! Come on!
I'll throw it from here. Go, Helena! Go!
That's it!
Al, tag her out! Damn it, al, tag her!
Al, will you please tag her?
Oh, I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna... I'm gonna make it!
I made it! I did it!
Oooh.
Oh, Jesus, this game needs a dress code!
Well, if my husband doesn't mind, Sally, why should you?
Yeah, I don't... I don't mind. I mind.
That's the third touchdown you've scored that way, Helena.
- Oh, come on. - I don't mind. I don't mind.
Listen, Max, you cover your wife. It's old hat to you. Right.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Okay. Good idea.
You guys kick off to us. Is that the way to tag a person?
What could I do? Come on.
Go, Helena! Go!
Gotchal
quick, pick up the ball. Pick it and go!
- I quit! - Hey, Max!
But it's not your ball! Maxie!
Come on back. I promise, I'll only tag my wife!
Dd
Oh, uh, keep it over here.
Max!
Where can you go anymore that's different?
Can you imagine how many gays China must have?
Figure 10% of the population, that's... 80 million.
Fantastic. Don't get so excited.
So, uh, why'd you separate? I don't know, exactly.
Was the sex bad? No, the sex was good.
You didn't communicate? We did. Talked all the time. Good stuff too.
Uh, you weren't compatible? We were. Did most everything together. Had fun.
Then what happened? Well, he met a black girl with a shaved head.
Oh, Jesus, how you gonna fight that? Yeah.
No, no, no, it's not that marriage has failed.
It's that it never worked, okay?
Okay. Only now... now people got the balls to quit, okay?
Okay. But marriage as an institution...
As an institution, it's antiquated, okay?
It hasn't been updated in 2,000 years... 5,000 years!
Divorce is one of America's biggest growth industries.
Howard, look, nobody should make up the rules for marriage except the people in it.
- But it's a fascist state. - Marriage is a fascist state?
I compare it to Italy under Mussolini, okay? No, not okay!
Howard, fascism is political.
The opposite of fascism is freedom, okay? When you're married, you're in bondage.
But when you're single, you're free.
Hmm. A triumph of logic.
You know who the only happily married couple in this room is?
Donald and Reggie.
Well, they're newlyweds. You see,
200 years ago, you died when you were 40.
You were married for 20 years and that was it.
Today, you live to be 70.
They expect you to be married for 50 years...
To the same person, okay?
In other words, if we died sooner, marriage would be better?
All right, kid around, make your jokes.
Marriage is being swept into the dustbin of history.
Pretty soon, only priests and nuns are gonna get married, okay?
Howard, what's the matter with you? Why are you acting this way?
I'm thinking of getting married again.
I'm joking. Would I get married again?
People wouldn't dream of attacking, say, a black or a chicano at a party,
but they feel free to attack married people.
It's the "in" thing to do. Yeah.
They know we're married, and they're telling us marriage is old-fashioned and unnatural.
Don't take it so seriously.
Hi, Jeff. Hi, mari.
Hi, reg. Hi, Donald.
There didn't seem to be a whole lot of married folks there.
Oh, sure. There was us, Marv and Sally,
Alice and al, uh, Helena and Max, Joan and Phil.
No, no, they're separated.
Joan and Phil are separated?
But they were together dancing, cheek to cheek.
Phil told me now that they're separated, they really love each other.
Mr. dubin, please come to the front desk.
Thank you.
Mari? Baby. Barbara! Hil
yes! Oh, how are you?
I'm fine. Oh, it's good to see you!
God, it's been ages. Yeah, too long.
I tried calling you a couple of times, but your phone was busy or you're not in...
- Yeah, I've been in and out. - God, you... you look marvelous.
Yeah. I'm divorced.
Hey, far out, or, uh, hot, or whatever is the latest.
- How about you? - Oh, I'm still married.
Uh-huh. That we have to talk about.
Like all of us, mari, I was a virgin,
got out of school, worked for awhile, you know.
I married Stanley, had the kids.
And with every kid I had, Stanley's stomach got bigger.
Now that I'm alone, everything is a challenge.
Everything's a dare. It's a whole new life.
I'm having marvelous ups and marvelous downs.
And there's risk, drama for the first time in my life.
How's everything with you? Are you still sculpting?
Yeah. Oh, the work is good, you know.
The kids are fine.
Jeff and I seem to be making it.
Jeff, ooh. Is he still a terrific lookin' dude?
Yeah. Yeah, even better.
It's a bore, isn't it? Banging the same man all these years? Hmm?
You know, we change positions once in a while, Barbara.
Well, I've redefined my sex life.
If you want sex, you have sex... because it's fun...
And it's good.
A guy I know says, "even when it's bad, it's good."
You know something? After the divorce,
I even had my vagina tightened to make it better.
You all right? Here, here.
You all right? No, I'm fine.
Mari, don't be so embarrassed. No, no, I'm sorry. No, I'm not embarrassed.
- You're clearly embarrassed, mari. - The coffee was very hot.
Listen, I was embarrassed, but then I thought to myself, why not?
I have three children. I'm a big girl.
Why not? It's a perfectly sensible thing to do.
I know a girl that spent $3,000 at getting her teeth capped.
This only cost me 400. Now, what's more important... that or this?
It's a real simple operation.
You should have it. Believe me.
It has really paid off.
See what I mean?
May I borrow your sugar?
Oh, sure.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. I, uh...
Um, I'd better be running along, Barbara.
Oh, that's all right. I've got a friend. Come on.
Oh, no, I'm married.
So what?
Well, no, I don't think I was embarrassed.
Not at all?
Well, I was a little embarrassed. I mean, after all,
you don't hear about a vagina tightened every day.
Who doesn't?
Go, Andy! Go, number 12!
Go, Andy! Yes, sir, 12! Yes!
People wanna talk. They're searching for intimacy and they can't find it.
We're not like that.
Oh, well, we can be more open with each other too.
How come I can never have a conversation with you about other things and other people...
Without you always bringing it back to us?
Are you telling me there's nothing I don't know about you?
Tell me something that I don't know about you or us.
Right here? You see? Holding back.
Boy, that bugs me! I am not holding back.
I don't have hidden thoughts. What?
Well, not many.
There's nothing wrong with hidden thoughts, as long as you expose them.
Okay, hide.
One more time, Andy! One more time!
Okay.
You know when I was with Barbara? Yeah.
A young guy tried to pick me up.
What?
See? You don't like that. I can't tell you anything.
Who said I don't? Okay. Okay.
It doesn't bother me. A young guy? How young?
Thompsons, your turn for the snack bar. Could you wait a minute?
We did it last week. How young?
You're on the roster.
How young? A kid.
I mean, he sat down next to me and his friend next to Barbara, you know.
Thank you. And then what happened?
L, uh... well, nothing.
I mean, Barbara just made me feel so out of it, you know?
So I just sort of went along. I mean, nothing happened.
I mean, I've heard of the sexual revolution,
but I've never had it sit down so close to me.
Why didn't you tell him you were married?
- Oh, I did. - And?
That only seemed to excite him more.
And-and you didn't mind, did you?
No. It was kind of nice being attractive to such a young guy.
Is that right? Hey.
Oh. Uh, 45 cents. There ya go.
I thought you didn't like 'em so young... too callow, like boys.
Well, I don't. But I don't mind them liking me.
You sure you like all this honesty?
I like it. I like it.
I'm glad. I'm glad.
- Just don't fool around. - And if I did?
Just don't! Excuse me. Your son just scored a goal.
- Hi, al. - Alice. Al.
Hi, Alice. Top of the mornin'.
Well, at least we've got a gorgeous day for the game.
A second stage smog alert and she calls it gorgeous.
No matter what I say, he says something different.
He is very competitive. I am not.
You're not, huh? No, I'm not.
When we go jogging together, you always try to beat me.
He says, "let's race,” and then he sprints away from me.
I do not. You do too.
Well, you're slow.
He's always criticizing me for not being a good football player.
He always wants me on the other team.
Of course. You're not a good player.
I am a good wife. I'm a good mother. I'm a good dress designer.
I am a good lay.
Why do I have to be a good football player too?
Am I a good lay or not?
Oh, you are. You are!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go! Come on. Come on.
Come on. I'll race ya. Let's warm up. I'll race ya.
Come on, come on! You see? See what I mean? Huh?
Hey, Marv. Al.
Hey! Ha-hal! How are ya?
Hi. Hey, where's the drydens?
No? You're kidding?
Yep. Helena called me. Separated!
Helena called you?
Yeah. Max called Sally. We're all friends.
What happened? Irreconcilable differences.
It's an American epidemic. They just caught it, is all.
That's it?
Yeah. Well, it's going around.
So, peasants, which of you is next?
- Oh. - Gol
Doctor, they're ready for you in the massage room.
No, no, Howard's a good lawyer.
Oh, thank you, Roy, thank you.
Yeah, but if you want a divorce, you better go elsewhere.
Why? I thought he was a divorce lawyer.
He is, but he handles only women, not men.
These women, he gives them sympathy, tells them they're still attractive.
Tells them their husbands are rotten. Then he bangs them.
Of course. It's my duty.
I give comfort. I'm a lawyer.
The law is not cut-and-dry, you know.
I'm getting quite good at it. See, I tell the women,
"I know this is a bumpy time for you,
"and sometimes it's good to talk to somebody...
"Who knows what it's about, what's happening, where it's at.
"Things seem to be breaking up. Everything's rotten.
"And sometimes a person has to be told...
"That they're still attractive,
still desirable, and you are."
- And they fall for all that shit? - Oh, they love it.
But, of course, I do it with more feeling.
The better they are, the less he charges.
And if they're really good...
He don't charge 'em at all.
Oh, you knew that? Oh, yeah.
Anybody having any marital problems?
Roy, aren't you divorced twice? Well, yeah.
But next time it's gonna stick,
'cause now I know what I really am looking for.
A real old-fashioned romance,
just like in love story.
Did you guys see that?
Love story. Oh.
That's what I'm lookin' for.
What are you talking about? The girl in that died.
Oh.
Hey, maybe that's what I'm really looking for.
It's hot in here.
It's cold in here. Are you kidding, Marv? It's murder in here.
I want it hot. It's not hot enough.
Cut it out, Marv! It's 145 degrees in here.
No, it isn't. It's only 140. Don't lie.
I'm not lying. It's hot. Feel my skin.
No, no, no. I don't wanna feel your skin.
It's cold. Marv, it's suffocating in here! What is it?
God, Marv, you and Sally?
You got along so well, really making it. Not really.
But every time we were with you whenever we saw you together, I mean...
Well, I know every marriage has its problems, but you guys?
Twenty-three years? It was all fake.
No. It was all pretense.
Geez. It got to be that way. Playacting, both of us.
It was so phony sometimes, we'd go home and be sick, but we still kept on doing it.
Oh. We were wondering why you dropped out of class.
Aah, we hated that class. Why'd you take it?
I don't know. Everybody's taking something.
Hi. You want another drink?
Yeah. I still can't figure it.
What happened, Marv? I don't know!
Everything's so confused, you know what I mean?
Police strikes and-and women's lib and condominiums, uh...
What has that got to do with your marriage?
Huh? I don't know. Something.
- But what about Sally? - I don't know who she is.
She disappeared years ago.
I think I did too. What about you?
Your marriage is rotten, right?
Hey, Marv... come on.
No. No. We go through the blahs, but it's...
Come on. Come on. Tell me the truth. You can tell me the truth.
I'm telling you the truth. Whenever anybody used to ask me,
I used to say, "yeah, mine's great. Just great."
But I was lying. You're lying too, right?
I'm not lying. Yeah? What about that chick you were banging?
I apologized for banging that girl seven years ago.
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.
- Does mari know? - You know, she hasn't been an angel either.
We worked all that out years ago.
Yeah, you guys got a good marriage.
I don't believe it.
Hi, pop. Hi, Charlie.
You wanna watch that in the other room, please?
Hi, darling. Hi, babe.
What's the matter?
Marv and Sally.
Oh, no. Who told you?
Marv. I just left him.
But we just saw them. They were getting along great.
Pretending. What?
Fake. It was all fake.
Well, what happened to them?
Police strikes,
women's lib, gay lib, condominiums.
Well, what does that have to do with their marriage? I don't know.
Jesus. All that kissing and hugging and stuff they did.
I mean, that was an academy-award performance.
Is that all you have to say? You don't seem very upset.
I'm ashamed.
Ashamed?
Yes.
Hey, come on. Stop holding things back.
All right, goddamn it! I'm not happy they're getting divorced.
I'm sorry. But I'm glad it's not me.
I mean, I'm glad it's them and not us.
- Do you know what I mean? - Hi, dad.
Oh, hello, boys. Come on, dad. Can we go now?
Where are we going? Mom promised you'd take us for a hamburger and skating.
You what? Well, I said we'd all go.
Were you planning on letting me know? This is what I'm talking about.
You never tell me anything! I do too.
You don't! What is this?
They break up and we get into an argument? Who broke up?
Will you get in the car? Probably the coopers.
You see what happens if you marry a girl with a pair of tits like that?
Hey!
Hey, sex maniac, is that any way to talk in front of an eight-year-old?
Go ahead.
The reason I don't tell you things sometimes is because you get sulky and defensive.
Name once.
The time I told you about that young man picking me up with Barbara.
Okay, that's once. Okay.
Um, last week at the squibs's, you hogged the entire conversation.
I had something to say! Well, so did I!
Well, why didn't you say it? Assert yourself.
When I assert myself, you have problems. I do not!
See? You're getting defensive right now.
You call this defensive?
Was I really hogging the conversation?
Was I really not being assertive?
Hey, you know something?
Everybody's breakin' up and I don't understand why.
Dd
Don't look around. I'll be right here behind you.
This feels good. Real good.
I love it. I really do.
Mari!
Hi. Look. Look at what Charlie's doing.
Ohh!
Oooh! Walter.
No talking. No talking. Whoops.
Walter Holmes. I can't skate and talk at the same time.
Walter, it's Jeff! No talking.
What are you talking for? Jeff.
How are you? Good to see you. Oh, Jeff. My god.
What are you doing here? Hey, how else you gonna keep in shape?
Jesus, Walter, it's been how long? It's been seven, eight years.
Yeah, it's a long time. Do you know the boys?
Oh, no, not this big guy. Andy, dick.
I'm Walter Holmes. How are you? Charlie.
Nice to meet ya. Nice to meet ya. We went to high school together.
Yes. They don't care.
It's wonderful to see you with the kids. It's beautiful. Oh, great, thanks.
What's been happenin' with you? I'm divorced.
Ah. Third time.
Wow. Yeah, I just got married again, though.
You know, I need to be in love. I can't live without the aggravation.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah. I was married to two Americans, one Israeli.
Oh, the Israeli, please. Now I know why they won the six-day war.
Hey, thank you.
Anyway, I'm trying a change of pace now, you know. This one's Italian.
You know, try to change my luck. How you doing?
Oh, we're still together. Still?
Yeah. Hey, Jeff, that's great.
You know, I thought since you were with the kids, you know.
Oh, no, no, no. We're... we're making it. There's, uh...
There's mari now. She's taking her lesson.
Mari! Hi.
Hey, she kept nice. Oh, yeah.
What have you been up to? You still a plumber? Yeah.
I'm still a plumber, but I'm tryin' to get into the acting full-time.
- Have you gotten any parts? - Yeah, I did a parton TV.
Charlie's angels. I was a doorman. Oh.
It's a bit part, you know? I'm still a plumber.
Well, acting's a rough business. Yeah.
You know, lately, I've been doing, uh, skin flicks.
No kidding? Yeah.
Pornos? Supreme court stuff.
Soft core? No.
Hard core. Yeah.
It's the only acting work I can get.
Listen, that's why I'm learning to skate.
My next film is called rollerbang.
Geez, I remember you... used to have the paper route.
I mean, you... You were a boy scout.
Eagle. An eagle scout!
But I just love to act. And, uh,
you-you-you can do it with all those people watching and the lights, the camera and...
Yeah.
Oh. I remember. We had gym together.
Oh, Walter, you'll be a star.
I'm a star already.
Just as virginity is now ridiculously old-fashioned,
being married only once is becoming, well, rather square.
Oooh, you can look all you want, but it's true.
I've pulled myself out of consciousness two, man, and I'm into consciousness three.
And just as virginity is now ridiculously old-fashioned,
being married once is very passé.
You just said that! Your social image is colorless,
conventional, awfully middle class.
I'm not middle class. Yes, you are.
Okay, I plead guilty. Where'd you get all this?
I belong to that group, the f.M.'S... the formerly married.
Marvelous! They saved my life.
Whenever you're invited to a dinner party, everyone knows who you're going to show up with.
You've been showing up with her for 15 years already.
There's no excitement.
But if you're divorced, and you show up with a new lady...
Aaah... or two new ladies...
Aaah... or a Chinese chick.
Socially, your stock is higher.
Also, if you're divorced, you generally move into a new apartment,
take on new interests, meet new friends.
Your personality takes on new facets...
And you become more interesting to your old friends.
Who's interested in married people anymore?
Ooo0-000h.
Hi. Jeff, this is liu.
L-I-u. How about that?
- Liu is taking her ph.D. At ucla. - Uh-huh.
Darling, hi. Hi.
And this... this is Carol.
Carol is taking her masters in physics, aren't you?
Thermodynamics. Thermodynamics!
Now, do you know why everything's so confused?
- Let's go, sweetie. - Jeff, you're with Carol.
Oh.
Uh, okay. Uh...
Marv?
Uh, Marv?
You know, I heard that... that raw fish is an aphrodisiac.
Did you hear that?
Well, certainly the oysters are. Am I right?
Well, thank you for the lunch, Jeff.
You are an interesting man. Oh, thank you.
I am?
Well, here's my card. Call me.
Uh... oh, thanks.
Bye.
Jeff. Hi, Jeff.
Oh, hi there.
Sayonara, Jeff.
Oh, yeah, sayonara.
Bye, Barbara.
Good luck.
Eighty percent chance of showers in the area.
Now, for the top story of the day.
Dd
Hello, boys. Hi, dad.
Hi, dad. Where's mom?
She went next door to the squibs's. Said you should go there right away.
Okay. See you in a bit. Okay, bye.
Oh, man.
Mari?
Hi. Alice. Hi, Jeff.
Mari?
Listen, il... I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's all right. I'm okay.
Okay?
Al and I just separated.
Al and you just separated?
Yeah. Oh, we just didn't cooperate, no matter what it was.
If I wanted to do one thing, he wanted to do another.
Good to see you, my friend. Al.
Thanks. Want some coffee?
Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, hey, listen, here. No, no, no, sit, sit.
I'm fine. Right here. I'm fine.
What about me?
Sorry.
I don't want any.
Getting a divorce is gonna be the first cooperative thing between us since we married.
Hmm.
We just didn't accommodate one another.
No, no, no, no. That's... that's not it entirely.
- Well, that was the main thing. - No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was. - It was not!
You were too quick on the draw and I took a long time.
You wouldn't wait. You had no consideration.
Well, I went to that sex clinic like you wanted, for Christ sakes.
Yes, but you slept with the nurse there.
Yes, and you slept with the doctor there.
He was trying to help us.
So was she trying to help us!
Quick draw.
Funny, I had no problem with the nurse.
I held out with her for hours. Ha-hal
on!
Go. Go! Yes, ma'am! Ah!
Hit it! Yes! Yes.
Yes! Touchdown! Touchdown!
Come here.
J we could tumble like a weed in the wind &
j or we could scatter like the sand in a storm j
j or we could stand like an oak and laugh at the joke j
j that the love we had was gone j
j and give each other love every day j
j a little goes a long, long way j
j and we could have it all &
j and we could have it all j
come on, baby. Where we going?
I bet it's the same place you took me for my birthday last year.
I told you, it's a surprise. Now, go around the other side and hold this.
I bet you it's that big Russian restaurant. What's its name?
Uh-uh. Oh, god, I'm starving.
Relax and enjoy it.
Is it chasen's? Just tell me, is it chasen's?
Darling, chasen's is at the other end of town. I know, but you're fooling me.
You're gonna drive around and around, then make a u-turn and we'll eat at chasen's.
God, I love chasen's. Oh, cover your eyes.
Now? Now.
Dd
Okay, you can come out. Watch your head.
Oh! Ta-dum.
What's this? Tommy's famous.
Remember, you took me here first?
Yeah, but not for a birthday. Come on.
We're always talking about doing something different, avoiding routine.
I know, but this is... and besides, the food's great here.
This is my birthday. Hey, you're really surprised, aren't you?
I know this is just a trick,
and at the last minute, you're gonna turn me around and we're gonna go to chasen's, right?
What do you wanna have? Uh...
Oh, I know. We'll have two hot dogs...
And two hamburgers with mustard and relish, please.
It's my birthday.
That's good, man.
Mmm.
Oh. Oh, boy. Ta-dum!
Dd
Happy birthday, darling. Thank you.
It's such a beautiful, beautiful birthday.
And, honey.
Yeah? While you're finishing your hot dog, think of this.
I'm not wearing anything underneath my coat.
You're kidding?
You're not kidding.
Whoa.
Well, is assertive good or not?
It's just like we're kids again. Remember?
Oh, it's better now. Really? Tell me.
Oh, we didn't know a damn thing then.
Yeah, but it was fun learning.
Do you remember when my mother used to work on Saturday mornings...
And you used to come over?
Yeah, and you'd be wearing that flowered bathrobe with nothing underneath.
Mm-hmm. What'd you do, forget to put on anything underneath?
Mm-hmm. Just like tonight.
You know what I'd like to do now? What?
You know what I'd like to do now.
Now? Now.
Mari, stop it. Are you crazy? We're gonna crash.
We won't make it ho... home.
Then why go home?
What are you doing?
Cuff links. I had to wear cuff links.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Oh, hurry up. I am. Oh, god, I broke it.
So what. Yeah, so what.
Oh, honey.
Oh, god!
What? The cops!
Oh, shit! Oh, damn!
Get off. Oh, god.
Where's my cuff link? Your cuff link?
Look in your pants leg. What's it...
What's it doing in there? Who cares about your cuff link?
Get your pants on.
Okay, watch it. Let me get this thing.
Hi. Hi, officer. Hi, officer.
Okay, kids, let's move...
Oh. For a minute, I thought you were kids.
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
Sorry, you folks will have to go home now.
Well, we weren't doing anything, officer.
You see, I don't mind,
but the folks around here get all upset.
This is bel-air, you know?
And they don't like no foolin' around in the streets nohow.
Oh. Sure, I understand.
Why didn't you ask her if we could finish?
Oh, come on! Start the car.
What do you think they were doing?
Oh. Oh.
They didn't look that young. We never do anything different like that anymore.
Oh, come on. You can see they weren't even married.
Still.
You'd freeze your ass off out there.
So?
Oh, for Christ sake. I mean, we got a beautiful house!
Do you wanna know something? Do you know we don't even get smut mail anymore?
When we got it, you never even read it.
I read it, but you didn't know what to do with it. I know what to do with it.
But we tried that and you didn't like it. You always miss the point!
I thought the point was doing something different. That's not different!
That's disgusting! That's why we never do anything different anymore!
Oh, screw you! Now you're talking.
Dd
Any calls? Uh, yes.
Thank you, Maggie.
Jeff. Barbara.
How are you? Fine. And you?
Great. Marvelous... and free.
Oh, yes, I heard. Yeah.
Nice stuff you got here.
Thank you.
You knew that I'd be coming to see you.
Uh, no, I didn't really.
Ah, come on. Well, no, really.
I think you're a turn-on.
- I want you. - What?
I want you.
Oh, well, thank you.
I mean it.
1-1-1 think you're attractive also.
All right, then, uh,
let's... let's go.
"All right then, let's go"? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, listen... what?
I didn't even check my messages.
Oh, all right. Check 'em.
Yeah, sure.
But wait... wait a minute. Okay, all right, listen.
You guys have been comin' on for... what... 10,000 years.
Now it's our turn.
Hey, Barbara, no. Not here.
What, no? Then let's go. Will you quit sayin', "let's go!"
I can't go. I'm running a business here!
Come on. You can leave. You're self-employed. Come on.
Besides... besides... Besides? Besides what?
Well, besides, you know. Uh, this... this may sound funny,
but I'm not, uh... I'm not really a chaser.
Well, you see, you are not chasing me. I'm chasing you.
Barbara, look... Jeff, you look.
I have had the hots for you always.
I just never did anything about it then.
But now is now, you know.
And I just think it'd be real nice. Barbara, listen.
What? What? Thanks.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Okay.
You don't know what you're missing.
I'll catch you later.
Ta-ta.
Maggie, I'm goin' to lunch. Where should I say you went to eat?
I'm going home to lunch. A matinee, huh?
Is that all you got on your mind? Well, doesn't everybody?
Oh. Wipe your mouth.
Hi, honey. Hi.
L, uh, thought I'd come home for a little lunch and...
Oh, I don't wanna make lunch. I got a headache.
Got a lousy pimple like a teenager.
Everything's icky. The children are a pain in the ass.
Come on, honey. It's no tragedy.
You don't care about how I feel. All you wanna do is eat.
Well, I didn't only come home to eat. Oh, no?
Well, I thought we'd eat, and then make love.
Oh, I don't feel like it.
Uh, go back to work.
I don't wanna go back to work.
Why... why do you even love me? What?
Yes, even like me. There's nothing to me. There's nothing to me.
Oh, mairi.
I'm afraid once you look through me, it'll be all finished.
Mari, don't. You're just... You're just feeling lousy.
Well, you can have any woman you want.
What? Well, what-what's that got to do with anything?
I'm sick of other women finding you so attractive.
Well, I-i-l can't help it. Wh-wh-what can I do?
See? You love it.
Oh, come on. That's your fantasy. That's in your head.
You wanna believe it because if other women find me attractive and you got me, wow.
Is that what you believe? Yeah.
That's what you really believe? Yeah.
Well, you're right!
Hey, baby. Oh, Jeff.
Ah, mari, what is it?
I don't know. Everything.
The kids were fighting.
This pimple won't go away.
At my age, teenage skin.
And my period's coming.
And then,
I walk over to that lovely bill's market,
you know, on the corner?
And bill tells me...
They're pulling down that wonderful little market.
It had such character, warmth.
They're pulling it down...
To build a gas station!
Great. And then, as I come home,
I see Donald and Reggie...
On the street.
And I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but I find out that...
Donald and Reggie have broken up!
Donald and Reggie!
And it depressed me.
I mean, I know it's crazy, but it did.
Them, bill's market, everybody.
I mean, everything's disposable.
Nothing's permanent anymore.
Nothing except this goddamn pimple.
I know. I know.
We have neighbors, they're gone.
We have friends, they've split up.
And there used to be a lot to believe in when we were kids.
But now, it's just you and me alone.
I mean, I don't know.
It seems like we're the last married couple in America,
and I don't know if we can do it.
Well, now you got me depressed.
We're like the settlers in the old west.
We're behind the stockade, see?
But the Indians are knockin' us off, one by one.
Come here. Come here.
What? Come on, come on.
Sit down right over there. Sit.
Do you like me?
Yes. Really?
Well, I mean, I love you, but I-i-i like you too.
More. More.
You wanna know what I like about you? Tell me.
I like the way you know who you are.
I mean, you have a clear definition of yourself.
I do? Yes, you do.
Well, like what?
Well, you're not stuck.
You're not buttoned up in habit, you know?
You're willing to do things, be open,
without being too crazy about it, you know?
Yes, that's a very nice quality to have. Wise guy.
What else?
You're fun to be with. And you're not petty.
Hmm. What else?
This.
Do you mean to tell me those are all the wonderful qualities you can think of? Boy!
Boy. Nobody knows how to take compliments anymore.
You wanna know what I like about you? What?
Don't kid around. What?
No. No, no, no, I mean it. You haven't said anything yet.
Oh.
Oh, you rat. Come on.
You're personally creative.
You got a good mind.
You're talented. Your sculpture's really good.
Your disposition is sweet and cheerful, lively.
You knew my mother. She was downbeat, depressed.
A nice lady, but a real pain in the ass.
You're funny, but not vicious with your humor like some people.
You're really a terrific person.
Fuck me.
But I haven't had lunch.
You want lunch? I'll give you lunch.
But I thought you were crazy about the formerly marrieds.
I was. I was. But it didn't work.
I'm just as miserable now as when I was married,
only now I'm miserable by myself.
So... what about that Chinese girl?
Oh, yeah. Whoo!
So much available stuff out there now, you know?
When you were married, you kept complaining about how you were tied down.
But now... what with the pill and all,
and a little gray in my hair,
and some money in my pocket,
it's, um, jumping.
Jumping all around.
You know?
Uh, the only thing is,
uh, I can't get it up.
Tried, and I can't.
Nothing.
Oh. Isn't that terrible?
Uh-huh.
All that loose pussy available for the first time in my life,
and-and-and I can't do anything.
And to think,
the first time I ever felt a bare tit,
I almost fainted.
I got dizzy. I knocked over a lamp.
And now...
Oh, no, no, no. That-that-that's temporary. You'll get over it.
Oh, yeah? When? Soon. Soon.
What do you mean, soon? You think divorce is easy?
Huh? Jesus, Marv, what do you want from me?
You wanna punish me because I'm still married?
Well, that's all right, because you're probably preten... tending.
Goddamn it, I am not faking! No?
I know this is not the "in" thing to say, but I love my wife.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Marv, I don't wanna make you feel bad.
I mean, I don't know. That's just the way it is.
It's okay. It'll change.
I'm gonna take a leak.
Well, whatever you feel you need to do.
Marv, did I ever tell you what's been bugging me lately?
I know this is gonna sound funny. You know what worries me?
When a man's stream begins to get weak, that's what worries me.
That's a sure sign of age, of growing old, losing it all.
Remember when you were a kid?
Hmm. What an arc, what a curve,
what power, what force.
My stream just doesn't have the old force like it used to, Marv.
I don't know.
I don't feel old.
Still make love a lot.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so... not a lot. Not a lot.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
Don't worry, Marv. You're gonna be doing it again soon.
Soon.
I don't know. I walk up stairs... no elevators.
I jog, everything...
And, yet,
the old stream's beginning to get weak.
That bothers me.
Jesus Christ. You know, I bet mine has too.
I bet I just didn't notice it.
Oh, no, no, you're all right. No.
No, you're all right, Marv. No, come on. Let's go see.
Marv! Come on. You said you had to go.
- Marv! - Ohl
hey, watch it!
Goddamn it! I better not have any weak stream, you know.
- I got enough trouble as it is. - You need some help?
Dd
Oh, my god. This too.
Drive carefully. What for?
See you tomorrow. Yeah, yeah.
Jeff.
Hey, Jeff. Hi!
Oh, hello, Barbara. Oh, this is perfect.
I came here looking for company, and I found it. Oh.
I-1... I was just going home.
No, you're not.
No, no. You're gonna stay out with me and have some fun.
Barbara, look, we've been all through this.
Jeff, when are you gonna give in, hmm?
Give in, Jeff.
Barbara, this is out of the question.
Oh, boy.
You didn't enjoy that, did you?
Yes, I did.
Uh-uh. You didn't enjoy it.
Okay, no, I really didn't. I'm sorry.
Half of America is looking for infidelity. What's wrong with you?
Nothing. I did it, didn't I? Oh, that you did.
Look, a guy's married 10, 15 years,
he sees everybody messing around.
He's not.
So, even if you don't want to,
even if your wife satisfied you at home, there you are.
You still feel a little... jealous.
What are you missing out on, you know?
Everybody seems to be driving in the fast Lane it seems.
I mean, there it is. It's on the streets,
at the office, parties, coming on to you from all sides.
And not like the old days, which was game playing, cock teasing,
but, "hey, baby, are you ready? 'Cause I'm ready.
Getitup and come on in."
And you find yourself coming out of some motel.
No. No, that's not all of it either.
I didn't know how to deal with an aggressive woman.
I felt if I didn't do it, I would have failed in my own eyes.
My manhood or something macho.
Because, you see, when I grew up, whoever turned down a piece of ass?
That was the lingo. You know what I mean?
I mean, it was so hard to get, you didn't turn it down even if you wanted to.
That a guy to be a guy has gotta do it no matter what.
Well, maybe that and a lot of other garbage is passing. I hope so.
I'm sorry. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings,
but that's the truth.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Jeff, I guess it's just that you're feelin' guilty, you know, cheating on mari.
No, I'm not. I'm really not, at least not at the moment.
Just feeling bad that I did something I didn't really wanna do.
But that old myths, the old garbage made me do it. That's all.
Hey, I'm a big boy now.
Do you understand? No.
Okay.
Well, I'm ready again anytime you are.
Bye.
Anyway, it wasn't until after we got married...
That we realized that our birthdays were on the very same day.
That's somethin', isn't it? Our apartment is too small for a birthday party,
that's why we asked you. Sure, Walt. I talked to mari.
Be happy to let you use our house. Oh, that's great.
And we'll bring all the stuff and all. Sure.
Uh, listen, h-h-how you making it? Oh, I'm squeezin' through.
Is your wife, uh... oriana.
Oriana. Uh, is she working?
Don't you know? I thought you knew.
No. I'm sorry. I thought I told you.
Jeff, oriana... Oriana's a hooker.
Uh, Maggie. Listen.
Hi, Maggie. Hi.
I'll get it. I'll get it. Hey.
Jeff, I'm not that crazy about it myself. I mean, it's not so terrible really.
At least I know where she is at night.
What the hell? Yeah, she helps out a lot.
I don't have to do that much plumbing. See, I can concentrate on my acting.
Oh. Oh, sure. Sure. I dig. Yeah.
Jesus, I'm so sorry. I-l thought I told you about it.
Most of the people coming to the party will be hookers.
Oh, there'll be some porno people, a couple of go-go dancers, but mostly hookers.
Hey, Jeff, if it's not all right... oh, no, Walter, it's okay.
It's okay. Oh, that's great.
Because they're all oriana's friends, you know. I understand. I understand.
And a swinging couple from San Diego we're very friendly with.
San Diego?
Yeah. They like us.
Oh.
- There's a lot of swingers in anaheim. - Disneyland has swingers?
Well, not Mickey mouse and Donald duck, but in the area.
Mickey mouse and Donald duck!
Well, old buddy, you got it. Oh, no.
Yeah, gonorrhea. I'm sorry. Who'd you have contact with?
Barbara. Yeah. She's sent a couple of other fellows in here already.
I'll have to have her back in again.
Who else?
Oh, god. Uh-oh.
Oh, god.
Well, you'll have to bring mari in here too.
Oh, I can't. Well, you've got to.
- I can't. - She's gotta see me.
What am I gonna tell her? That I got the clap?
No, well, I... tell her you...
Hank-. Well, tee off without me then.
Uh-huh. Just... just... Okay, just a second.
No, no, no. Uh, tell her you had the flu.
You have strep throat. She has to come for a shot so she won't catch it.
And, uh, cough a lot. Arnold, I can't do that.
Do you want your marriage to go down the tubes?
- No. - Cough a lot.
Hi, darling. Hi.
You're home early.
What is it? What is it? What's the matter?
I can't talk... strep throat. Oh, dear.
It's the flu. Oh, I'll make you some tea.
Yeah.
Honey, you'd better get a shot before you get it too.
Oh, that's all right. I already had my flu shot, remember?
Have you got a fever?
Uh, um...
Listen. Listen, honey, you better get another shot,
because Dr. schallert said that this is a new strain.
It's from Vietnam.
Well, doesn't that shot I took cover Vietnam too?
Oh, honey.
Hi, Mrs. Thompson. Hi. How are you?
Okay. The doctor'll see you in a jiffy. Oh, okay.
Barbara, is that you? Oh, hi, mari.
Hi. Hello, Jeff.
What's wrong? Strep throat is-is all.
Oh, you too? I told you it's going around. It's a new strain from Taiwan.
Vietnam. Vietnam. Vietnam.
The doctor will see you now, Mrs. Thompson.
Oh. Excuse me.
You gave me the clap. You gave it to me.
- I did not. - Barbara, you did. Arnold told me.
Well, if it's me, I've caused an epidemic.
And that upsets me, u ve alw I ious. Because I've always been socially conscious
swell.
- Mari doesn't know... - No!
Well, now, Jeff, don't let it depress you.
It's just one of the hazards of street life.
I don't have a street life. You gave me a street life.
I just pray I didn't give a street life to mari.
Well, all you guys are screwin' around too.
I swear, you were the only one.
Oh, mari, I didn't... Did you get your shot?
Vietnam flu, my ass.
Mari, please. Leave me alone.
Let me explain. Okay, explain.
Well... look, she came into my office.
Oh, dear. How's your throat?
All right, all right, I lied. I made a mistake. I apologize. I'm sorry.
You laid Barbara. It was a mistake!
Barbara? A friend of mine? She wasn't such a good friend.
And then gave me... and then didn't even tell me? Well...
You, with your honesty, "have to be open" bullshit!
I didn't know how to tell you. I knew it'd make you crazy...
And thought it would hurt our marriage. You're right!
Get out of this elevator. I don't want you in this elevator.
I can't get out. It's an express. I don't want you near me.
All right. All right, look, it's not the end of the world. I understand.
But Arnold cured me. I am cured.
I can't look at you. All right, don't look at me.
Make me feel even more rotten. Is that what you want?
All right, I feel rotten. Good.
Fine.
I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt.
I don't give a damn what the new morality says. I'm hurt.
I-I'm not hip enough to say it doesn't matter. It does matter to me.
I thought we had something special.
I thought you didn't need that.
Or if you did, it would be a stranger, it would be discreet.
No one would get hurt.
No, no, no, no, no. What am I saying? I don't mean that.
The truth is, when it comes to this, I'm a square.
I won't have you screwing around with other women.
Well, what about... what about you? That was years ago.
So what? You beat the hell out of me.
I slapped you once. Well, it was damn hard.
Now we're even. No, we're not.
That was different. We weren't getting along then.
No, we weren't, but still... anyway, I thought you forgave me about all that.
I did, but I gotta use something.
And I told you about it. At least I felt guilty.
You told me to hurt me. Yes, that was part of it.
But I also wanted to get it off my chest. You said nothing.
Well, I didn't have a chance. It just happened. Just happened, my ass.
It was an accident. What? What?
Yes, an accident! You sleeping with her was an accident?
Yes! Hey. Okay. All right.
Okay. Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Okay.
Accident. Accident!
Coming.
Yes, I'm coming.
Huh?
Well, you're one of us now.
Where do I put these? In here.
I knew you were just pretending. We were not just pretending, Marv.
Then what are you doing here? I told you why!
I'll tell you why. A piston shot through the whole goddamn engine.
It doesn't work anymore. Take a look out here.
You see all these yachts? They're all divorced.
It's the American way.
Geez, Marv. I haven't seen you so happy in a long time.
I'm not happy. Don't say I'm happy. You're happy.
I'm not happy. I'm just trying to put this thing in perspective.
When a person's getting divorced, he needs to be cheered up!
I don't want to be cheered up. That's what you say now.
But wait! Okay!
But I'm not getting divorced. I'm getting separated.
Separated, divorced... What's the difference?
It's coming apart, right? She doesn't wanna live with you, right?
You've grown apart, right? Divorce.
I'm not getting divorced.
A lot of people don't want a divorce, but they get divorced.
Boy, am I glad I came over.
Oh, mari, how are you?
Oh, hi, Howard. If you're looking for Jeff, uh...
Jeff? No, no. No Jeff.
I wanted to talk to you.
Well, I-l was just on my way out.
Uh, I wish you would've telephoned, Howard.
Yes, but to telephone, it's so... so impersonal.
You can't see a person's eye.
Well, come in for a minute.
Thank you. It won't take long.
Yes. I was just at Alice squib's, so I thought I'd drop by.
Oh. Oh, you were at Alice's?
Yes. I'm handling her divorce,
but she's not home, so I thought I'd drop by and see you.
Oh, I see.
You're here professionally, Howard?
Not necessarily, no.
Well, then, uh, what is it?
Well, I know this is a bumpy time for you,
and sometimes it's good to talk to somebody who knows what it's about,
where it's at, what's happening.
Oh, things seem to be breaking up. Everything's rocky. Mm-hmm.
And sometimes...
A person has to be told that they're still attractive, still desirable.
And you are.
Well, thank you, Howard.
How long's it been?
What?
You and Jeff not sleeping together.
What?
It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
Howard, what are you doing?
That's okay. Are you crazy?
That's okay, okay? Everything'll be all right. You'll see.
Uh...
You're still very attractive.
Women coming in looking for a divorce are looking for comfort...
Not just legal comfort.
I didn't come looking for a divorce. You came in here.
A minor point. That's a minor point.
Everything's gonna be all right. You'll see. Howard's here.
J by the light j! Oh, god.
J of the silvery jj I don't believe this.
Come on. Get undressed. What?
Come on. Take off your clothes.
I know you're emotionally unstrung, but it's gonna be all right.
Howard. Howard... no, seriously, come on. Let's go.
You know that I'm crazy about you. No...
You know that. I've always been interested in you, mari.
Come on. Let's both get undressed. You need some help?
I-I-I'm not interested in you, Howard. Yes, you are.
No. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I'm telling you. I can see it in your eyes.
Don't playact with me.
We know women of your age have a big drive.
Howard, please, would you get your clothes on?
Look, I have a big drive too, okay?
Let's put our drives together, okay? Let's not pretend, okay?
Okay, let's not pretend. Okay?
I think this is the lamest, dumbest, most unsexy thing I've ever seen,
and I think you're a giant...
Assholel
asshole?
I never thought of myself as an asshole.
You're really not interested?
I see you got my drift.
Okay. If that's the way you feel about it.
You're making a big mistake.
Moments like this don't...
Oh, my darling. How can I let this moment pass, my darling?
My darling, listen to me... Howard.
Listen to me. Howard!
Perhaps if we went into the bedroom. I can sing a different song. I...
You cut my tie off. Guess what's next.
I think Alice should be home by now.
I'm pretty sure of it, as a matter of fact, and she was expecting me.
You-you don't mind if I run? I have some appointments after Alice.
No. I have to get back to the office.
Mm-hmm. Thank you very much.
That's all right. Thank you. Bye.
But I do wanna say, you are very attractive.
Thank you. Thank you, Howard.
Come on, Helena. Tag us. Tag us! Hold 'em, liu!
Ah, forget it. Come on back, Helena. Liu, defense. Defense.
All right, hike it to me on four. On four.
Two, four, six. Hike!
That's the one. Oh, my god! No! One, two...
Aaah!
What the hell is the matter with you? That bitch with a guy that age.
Well, you're messing with Helena, aren't you? Helena stinks!
She can't run, she can't pass. I'm not even sleeping with her.
Is that right? Mari was a great football player.
Well, she's been traded. She's on another team now. Get used to it.
I can't. I love her. She loves you too. Can't you see that?
Who the hell asked you, Marvin? I know about these things.
That's why my life is a disaster. Where you going?
I can't stand this. They say jealousy's medieval!
Shut the fuck up, Marvin!
"Shut the fuck up, Marvin"?
Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I wanna talk to you.
Rick, would you wait for me in the car, please?
Sure, mari. Thanks.
Who the hell is that? That's just a man I know.
A man? That's a boy!
He's very good. He's very what?
You heard me. Well, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
I'm sleeping with him. Oh, I see. Revenge?
Yes. And because I like it too.
Well, you did it. You liked it.
I did not like it, goddamn it. Well, I'm asserting myself.
You told me to assert myself. I'm asserting myself.
Yeah, but not like this. Oh, come off it, Jeff.
You found Helena dryden pretty damn fast.
That's nothing but reflex action. Yours is an act of open hostility.
Oh. Well, that's okay then, because that's how I feel.
Yeah, and you enjoy telling me too.
Well, didn't you beg me to be open? I'm being open.
I did. I did. I could've been mistaken.
No, no, no, no, no. You were not. You were not.
This feels much, much, much, much better.
Well, that's wonderful. What did you expect me to be, depressed?
- Yes. - Well, I refuse to be depressed.
I'm gonna stay happy, as an act of hostility!
Thank you, Rick. Okay, mairi.
Dd
Are you finished?
Yeah.
Well, uh,
it wasn't much.
Thanks a lot. No, it's just that, um...
Well, you'll do better next time.
What is this, a pauline Kael review?
No. No.
I just think that we should improve our performance.
Oh, Christ.
Well, it's just that...
You didn't turn me on.
Well, you didn't turn me on either.
- But that's your job. - It's your job too.
I didn't feel like it.
Neither did I.
Then what the hell are we doing here?
But, Jeff, it's so important! How could you do such a thing?
I'm sorry, Walter. I should've called you. I totally forgot the party.
Everybody's coming! You'll have to call them.
I can't. You can't call these kind of people. They're never home.
You'll just have to. It's too late. It's for tonight.
Walter, we're separated. That's okay.
That's okay? No! What I mean is it's no big thing.
Sure, you'll get over it. You know that.
It takes a piece out of you sometimes, but you get it back.
Walter, my life is a shambles. I just don't have the energy for this!
Oh, please. It's rough!
But that'll change. That'll change.
Aw, Jeff, come on. Let's have the party.
Walter, I'm just not up to it. Hell, it's still your house.
Wait a minute. Do you feel bad? Do you wanna do a number on her? Bring a young chick.
Dd
Why do you keep asking me how old I am?
Nothing. Just curious. What, do I look underage or something?
No, no, you look old... Old for your age.
I look what for my age? No, no, young. Young. You look young.
C-could we forget it?
Oh, mairi, this is Rebecca. Hi.
Rick? Yeah?
Hello, Jeff. Uh, this is Rick.
Hi. Yeah, nice to see you again. How are you?
Hello, Walter. Nice to see you. Hey.
You must be oriana. Rebecca. Bingo.
Happy birth... happy birthday. Thank you.
Jeff, you have a lovely house. Oh.
I mean, you have a lovely house.
I mean, it is a lovely house.
I'll get it.
Oh, neighbors. Hi! Hi.
Oh, margrette. I'm Dave.
Nice to meet you. Rick, margrette.
Oh, hi. Dave, Rick.
How do you do? Hello, margrette.
Hi, darling. Nice to see you. This is Rebecca.
Hello. Dave, it's nice to see you.
This is Rebecca. Hi. How are you? Happy birthday.
I got it. I got it. Really. Relax.
Hi. Come on in. Alice. This is Rick.
This is Alice squib and Max dryden.
Alice.
Hi. Meet Rebecca.
I don't believe it. I don't believe it!
Hi. Al squib. Helena dryden. Hi, I'm Rick.
Al, hi. How are you? Did you meet Rick? I'm fine.
Yes. This is al squib.
But where we got this was in quogue.
I'll just put it back. Let's mingle.
Dd
Whoo! Hey!
It's so exciting. I've never seen such outfits.
Which are the whores? I don't know, you know. I can't tell.
Except oriana. I know she...
Oh, yes, I saw her when I came in.
Ooh. That looks like one there.
Oh, no. That's my aunt Phyllis.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no. Don't be silly. She'd be flattered.
I bet.
So how's your separation going?
Oh, it's painful, confusing, enlightening.
Yeah.
Yeah. Now we're both fooling around.
That's what happens.
You know, I feel guilty, and then I don't feel guilty.
I don't know how I can feel both at the same time, but I do.
I just wish I was enjoying it more.
You know what they say.
Sex isn't necessarily intimacy. Tra, la, la. Hmm.
What are we drinking? White wine.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my god. Do you want some wine?
Thank you.
Dd
Whoo! J singin' in the rain &
I'm gonna tell your mother on you!
And your father too!
J what a glorious feelin' &
j I'm happy again j
j I'm laughing at clouds j
j so dark up above j whoo-hoo! Whoo!
J' the sun's in my heart
j and I'm ready for love j
j let the stormy clouds chase j
j everyone from the place j
I want you!
J with a happy refrain j
j just singin' j
j just singin' in the rain j
j I'm singin' in the rain j
dd
Oh. Ahal
okay.
Whoa. Ho, hol! Mmm. Mmm.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoal
j singin' in the rain j
j just singin' in the rain j whoo-hoo!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
J I'm laughing again j
oh, no! Aaah!
Whoa!
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
Dd
Is she good, or is she good?
I think she's terrific!
Mighty fine.
Putting on a good act.
Oh, I'm enjoying myself. Yeah, me too.
Oh, swell. Terrific.
Need any help?
Howard. How did you get in here?
I snuck in. I have a lot of clients here.
Oh. Your hair looks wonderful. Thank you, Howard.
Asshole.
Dd
What are you doing here?
What do you mean? It's my house. Not for long.
What are you doing here? You told me you were too depressed.
I've recovered temporarily. How are you?
Swell. Not bad.
Lousy. Lousy's not bad.
It'll get worse. Why are you doing this?
Hey. You've got competition.
That son of a bitch thinks he owns the house.
He keeps beating me to the door. God, what reflexes.
Younger. I told you it'd get worse. Go home, Marv.
He's wearing your shirt.
That's not my shirt. You think I'd wear a shirt like that?
Yes. Never.
You have a shirt exactly like that you wear all the time.
Yes, but I hate it. Ah, who's the girl? She's cute.
She's with me, Marv. Hi. Marv Cooper.
I was gonna introduce you, Marv. No, you weren't.
Yes, I was. Go home, Marv. Go home!
Hi, Marv. Leaving already? I hope so.
No. I, uh, think I'm havin' a good time.
Oh, good. Hey, ooh...
Good news. What?
I did it. No?
Yes, on my way over here. With who?
My ex. Sally?
Yeah. You got back together since breakfast?
Oh, just for those couple of minutes.
After 23 years of marriage, she's the only one I can get it up with.
Jah j
Whoo!
I love your party.
Oh, thanks, but it's not really mine.
It's, uh, Walter and oriana's. Yeah. Yeah.
You bring a certain beauty and charm to it.
Thank you.
Is your, uh, mate as attractive as you are?
Well, no.
Where is your husband? Oh, he's, uh, over there.
But, uh, we're separated.
Do you have a mate?
Oh, yeah, uh...
That's my wife over there.
Zies
it's okay. We're broad-minded.
Where are you from?
San Diego.
Oh, San Diego.
Yeah, we've, uh, come quite a ways to meet the right people.
Yes, I know. Walter and oriana told us.
Oh. You know, lainy and I can see that, uh,
you and your ex are right-on people.
Well, uh, what did, uh, Walter and oriana tell you about us exactly?
Oh, nothing really. Just that you're, uh... you're groovy.
You know, with it today, you know? Oh, yeah.
And that, uh, both you and your husband have separate scenes.
Oh, no. No, no, we don't.
I mean, we do, but, uh, um, you know, we're separated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, um...
You know, we're not driving back to San Diego tonight.
We're staying in L.A. oh. Oh, that's fine.
You know, that's up to you.
Uh, come on in to the bedroom. I wanna talk to you.
Uh... oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that.
I just wanna talk to you. We'll leave the door open.
Look, um, I don't go that route.
I-I'm not separated that long.
Hey, don't be so uptight.
Ask your mate to come in if you want to.
Come on. We'll all talk.
J what you find-a j
j what you feel now j
j what you know-a j
j to be real j
- where's my dress? - Where is my drink?
J what you feel now j
j what you know-a j
dd
J to be real jj
Swinging about two and a half years now.
Our-our marriage was the pits.
I was screwing around, she was screwing around.
There was a lot of, uh, screaming and yelling.
But we had four kids.
We were hanging in there.
And then we started this and...
And it's brought a...
A whole new dimension to our lives.
It's brought about a oneness in our desires.
There's no jealousy.
We're seeking new experiences, not separate ones.
I'm not being unfaithful to my wife.
I love her.
And I love you because you love her.
And when you touch her, you touch me, and it's beautiful, man.
I mean,
I had dug a hole for myself, and I was gradually sinking into it.
But then a shadow came over that hole, and I could pull myself out.
And I could look into that hole without wanting to climb back again.
Because I was creating my own shadow that was filling up the void...
Where there had been no oneness, and suddenly, there was a oneness.
Can you dig it?
Come on. The truth now.
Didn't you ever think of this kind of thing before? Huh?
Well, yes, but, um, in our fantasies.
I mean, um, sex fantasies, you know.
But that's when you're... excited.
You get hot, uh, you talk a lot of crazy stuff...
Sex talk, you know...
It's a turn-on. But afterwards, you just look at each other and laugh.
Lainy.
Um, this is my wife, lainy. This is mari and Jeff.
Hi.
Hi. I was just telling them how...
Our lives have changed in the past two and a half years.
How long has it been, honey? About two and a half years.
It's helped our marriage, hasn't it, honey? Yes, it has helped our marriage.
And it's deepened our love for each other, hasn't it, lainy?
Yes, it has.
Isn't our private sex life better for it, hmm? Yes.
Lainy? Yes?
Do something for me.
Okay?
Close the drapes?
Thank you.
Lainy.
Screw you, you son of a bitch!
Hey, lainy, why? Why? Forget it.
You want me to get undressed? Okay, I'll get undressed.
No. No, no, no. Don't get undressed.
Can't you see they're not into this? It's dumb!
- Lainy, you're embarrassing me. - I don't wanna do it anymore.
Okay, okay. I don't wanna be married like this anymore.
No more toga parties, no more orgies,
no more guys and girls like I'm an animal.
I don't even know what making love or marriage means anymore!
I didn't know that. I didn't know that.
You wanna know why you didn't know that?
No, sweetheart, tell me. Tell me.
Because you are one big insensitive creep!
Honey! Now you go fuck yourself!
Honey! Honey! Honey!
Oh.
Hmm, mmm.
On!
I want you to stay away from other women.
I want you to stay away from other men.
I apologize. I apologize.
Jeff.
How did we ever let those other people get into our lives?
Oh, police strikes, women's lib,
gay lib, condominiums.
I'm... I'm sorry, everybody, but the party's over.
I'm sorry, everyone. Everybody has to leave now.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Everyone out.
Closing time. Thanks for coming.
It was the best party I ever had. Oh, thank you.
Thanks for coming. Happy birthday, by the way.
J happy birthday j
j happy birthday to you jj
Howard. Thanks. Thanks for coming.
Oh. Come on. Come on.
Trust me, okay? Oh.
Uh, mari.
I'm gonna go out and come back a little bit later I think.
Oh, Rick, uh, no. Uh, that's okay.
You know, I bet Rebecca needs a ride home.
Okay. Okay?
Aa =a ate s55
drive carefully.
They burned the carpet. Oh, no.
Yeah. You know, they've ruined the kitchen table too.
Yeah? Well, I can sand the kitchen table.
Well, I can reweave the carpet. Oh, yeah?
Mmm.
Hey! Hey. You ruined my marriage.
Hungry? Starved.
Go for a hamburger? It must be after 2:00.
So? Well, what about the kids?
Oh, I love the kids. Me too. But what about the kids?
Take 'em with?
- Oh, boy. - Hey, kids!
Hey, boys. Dad's home.
Are you really home? I'm really home.
Oh, dad, you're home.
Hi, dad.
Hey, pal, come on in. All right!
J we could tumble j
j like a weed in the wind j
j or we could scatter like the sand in a storm j
j or we could stand like an oak j&
j and laugh at the joke j
j that the love we had is gone j
j or we could buckle like a bridge made of tin &
j or we could shatter like a house made of glass j
j or we could stand like a rock &
j and weather the shock j
j and try to make it last j
j and give each other love every day j
j a little goes a long, long way j
j and we could have it all &
j and we could have itall >
j again j
j we could have it all again j
j you stumble and you fall j;
j you add up your losses j
j you'll gather your forces j
j and you try again j
j and give each other love every day j
j a little goes a long, long way j
j and we could have it all &
j and we could have itall >
j again j
j we could have it all j
J again jj