1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:05,047 ♪ upbeat theme playing ♪ 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,300 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 3 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,429 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 4 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:17,559 Honey, um... 5 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,063 There's something you should know about your mom. 6 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,482 I'm a dirty liar. 7 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,733 SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: Oh, my God. 8 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:27,736 Is this endless story you're telling not even true? 9 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:29,863 Of course, it is! 10 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,741 I quit lying last year when I turned 40. 11 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:35,035 - SOPHIE'S SON: Mom-- - Don't. 12 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,246 But back in the day, compulsive lying, 13 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,456 well, it was kind of my jam. 14 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,959 Especially when I was feeling insecure. 15 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,337 And waiting to hear from the gallery if my photos sold 16 00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,631 was making me hella insecure. 17 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,466 - You know you can actually get a ticket for that. 18 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,843 It's called "distracted walking." 19 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:53,637 - Oh, I forgot you minored in sidewalk law. 20 00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:55,556 Plus, I am not even distracted. 21 00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:59,393 That yoga class really centered me. 22 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,979 [ringtone chiming] Oh, excuse me. 23 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,064 [yelps] Pardon me. Sorry. Important call. 24 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,941 Life-changing moment! Sorry! 25 00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,694 Hello? Uh-huh. 26 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,947 Really? That's amazing. 27 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,533 Thank you so much for the phone call. 28 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,369 Turns out, that wasn't my phone. 29 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:21,957 But, uh, Brooke, your dog's operation was a success. 30 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,211 VALENTINA: Wait, is that-- 31 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,713 Meredith! 32 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,382 This is not how I wanted to meet her. I look gross! 33 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:33,385 She's a pop star whose single is breaking out, 34 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:36,597 and I'm a struggling photographer whose face is breaking out. Look at this! 35 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,267 That was a piece of nougat. 36 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:43,020 - Yeah, so it's all been kind of a whirlwind. 37 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,438 I did the Today show yesterday, 38 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,649 I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow, and Last Week Tonight next week. 39 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,484 - Plus, she's got The Late Late Show on Friday, 40 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,237 and then that segment for Sunday Morning later that afternoon. 41 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,323 - You're a Saturday Night Live Thursday pre-shoot away 42 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,116 from having the world's most confusing schedule. 43 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,367 ELLEN: Ugh, come on! 44 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,411 You know, it's been days since I gave Rachel my number, 45 00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:02,164 and she still has it texted me yet! But, she has time to tweet 46 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:05,250 that Sarah Paulson was a revelation as Roseanne Barr? 47 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,627 That was Sarah Paulson in 48 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,879 Lower the Barr: the Life and Unhinging of Roseanne Barr? 49 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,215 What a chameleon! 50 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:16,261 Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam. 51 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:19,389 - It's called head, not foam. - Oh. 52 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,433 - Well then, why'd you give me so much head? 53 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,560 - Oh! [laughs] - Head! 54 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,729 - Clean it up, Meredith. This is a family bar. 55 00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:28,565 - No worries. I'll take it. Old J-Boy loves head. 56 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,984 - Ah, love it when you push the envelope, bro! 57 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,194 What... 58 00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,905 Oh hey, what is Sophie doing outside? 59 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:38,200 - Babe, you gotta blend. You look like the clown from It. 60 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,576 - From what? - From It. 61 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,953 - From what? - From It! 62 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,287 It is the name of the movie. 63 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,830 What is the name of the movie?! 64 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,291 You know everyone can see you, right? 65 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,713 You wanna stop being weird and come inside? 66 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,841 I don't know. It's gonna be so awkward. 67 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,969 Jesse probably told her about our thing. I'm sure she's threatened by it. 68 00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:59,096 - Nope. She doesn't care. - Damn it. 69 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,973 God, that makes it so much worse. 70 00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,975 Of course, Meredith isn't threatened by me. 71 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,726 She just released Song of the Year, and I... 72 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,145 I just sold a photo for a crazy amount of money. 73 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,814 Wow. Good for you! 74 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:11,441 - Did she sell it? - No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes. 75 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:14,903 - Yeah, it was a huge bidding war between the Prince of Liechtenstein, 76 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,405 the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp, 77 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:19,032 and the sisters from Sister Sister. And just to be clear, 78 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,035 the Sister Sister sisters were not bidding together as sisters, so... 79 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,997 Like I said, 80 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:27,374 I had a small lying problem. 81 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,960 - SOPHIE'S SON: Mom... - A medium lying problem. 82 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,253 - SOPHIE'S SON: Mom! - Okay, fine. 83 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,881 It was a huge [bleep] problem, okay? 84 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,925 ♪ 85 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:40,804 - Ellen, watching Rachel's door isn't gonna make her ask you out. 86 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:44,433 Just like more water isn't gonna bring back Planthony Hopkins. 87 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,476 - Do you think she changed her mind about me? 88 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,396 Of course, she did. Am I ugly? 89 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,231 Charlie, you'd tell me if I was ugly, right? 90 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,109 - Of course. I always tell ugly people when they're ugly. 91 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,112 Why do you think the fuggo super won't fix our sink? 92 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,114 You're right. I'm a dime. 93 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,910 It must be my garbage personality. 94 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,120 Ellen, if your personality is garbage, 95 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,663 then call me a raccoon 96 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,457 because I love it. 97 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:11,293 - Aw. Well, then call me an ambulance 98 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:14,004 because that compliment damn near killed me. 99 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,882 - You just need to remind Rachel how great you are. 100 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:19,885 So, we are gonna spruce this place up, 101 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,595 gonna put on our Sunday best, 102 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:24,473 and then leave the door playfully ajar. 103 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,518 When Rachel walks by, she won't be able to resist asking you out. 104 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,478 [sighs] 105 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,940 The only flaw in your plan is 106 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,483 it's so bad in here. 107 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,319 Yes. Should've had that threesome 108 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,738 with Chip and Joanna Gaines while I had the chance. 109 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,116 Grilled cheese, coming in hot! 110 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,702 - Yes! This man is a grilled cheese maestro. 111 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,205 He's like the Eddie Vedder of cheddar. May I? 112 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,207 - Dude, you never have to ask about sharing stuff. 113 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,584 - JESSE: Ooh... - Food, shampoo, a journal... 114 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:54,920 - Okay, we've discussed this. I'm not sharing a journal with you. 115 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,422 - I'm still gonna leave every other page blank in case you change your mind. 116 00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,008 - I'm gonna go get some ranch. - Yeah, ranch it up, baby! 117 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,426 Mm, yum. 118 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,846 - Hey, hey, hey! Don't even think about eating one of these. 119 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,681 - These are for me and Jesse. - Seriously? 120 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,432 - There's, like, six of them. - Yeah. Yeah! 121 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:10,018 Two for me. Four for him. Zero for you. 122 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,103 He's a hungry boy. 123 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:12,980 Babe, you want ketchup, too? 124 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,565 BOTH: Uh, yes, please. 125 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:15,816 [Sid laughs] 126 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,819 - Just give me one, you freak. - Meredith, stop it. 127 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:19,987 - Give it to me... - No! No! 128 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,530 - Come on, I'm hungry, too! - You don't get 129 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,615 everything you want, sweetie! 130 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,242 Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is happening? 131 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:29,162 - I don't know. All I did was offer her a scrumptious grilled cheese. 132 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,123 He's lying! He won't give me one 133 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,791 because you're a hungry boy. 134 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,793 What? Okay. 135 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,837 Can everyone please just chill out? 136 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,840 Sid, I know you're still mad at Meredith about the whole proposal thing, 137 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,509 but we're hanging out again, and it's feeling really good. 138 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,469 Yeah. I've had issues with Meredith 139 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,180 way before she clowned you in front of the nation. 140 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,223 - Oh, really? What are they? - [scoffs] I-- 141 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:51,101 Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea. 142 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,645 When I was writing my album in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn, 143 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:57,357 we did a Stor Dela Med Sig, or airing of grievances, 144 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,444 and it really helped. What do you think? 145 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,197 Okay, well, counter pitch to that idea. 146 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,532 Uh, what if instead of airing those grievances, right, 147 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,534 we just bottle those bad boys up. 148 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:10,454 We bury them deep inside us. Uh, forever. 149 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,455 Mm... 150 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:13,707 - The Swedish have never really steered me wrong. 151 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,752 Not on meatballs, massages, or house mafias. 152 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,295 - MEREDITH: Hm. - I'm in. 153 00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:24,593 ♪ 154 00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:27,679 - I thought it went gangbusters with Meredith earlier, no? 155 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:30,140 Um... Yeah. 156 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,809 Except that literally everything you said was untrue. 157 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,186 Okay, fine. 158 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,480 I told a couple of harmless fiblets 159 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,273 to feel better about myself. 160 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,483 But who cares? 161 00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:42,653 And I know you lie about your age. You do it all the time. 162 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:44,530 - [elderly voice]: One senior ticket 163 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:47,533 for the 2:45 Avatar. 164 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,203 That's not a lie. That is a performance. 165 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:52,746 That shit takes commitment. 166 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,872 [knocking] 167 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,874 [Sophie clears throat] 168 00:06:57,501 --> 00:07:00,170 - [gasps] Ramona. Hey! - Sophie. 169 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,173 I... I'm in early labor. I think it's almost time. 170 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,175 - Oh, my God. It's almost time! - Yeah. 171 00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:08,595 You know Ramona from 5C? 172 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,806 She hired me to photograph her home birth. 173 00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,891 - Oh, so, the landlord will let her give birth in her apartment, 174 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,226 but I can't own a snake? 175 00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,937 - Okay, well, why don't you grab your stuff and come on up? 176 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,272 The midwife is running a little late, 177 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:20,148 so you're fine setting up the birthing tub, right? 178 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,025 Since you've shot a bunch of home births. 179 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,444 [groans] Okay... 180 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,446 I'm gonna go lay down. 181 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,031 Kinda wish I just texted you. 182 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,288 Sophie. Why does Ramona think 183 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:36,540 you have so much experience with home births? 184 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,501 I've shot so many home births, 185 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,004 I could practically perform one. 186 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,172 [laughs] 187 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:46,466 - Really? 'Cause your portfolio is mostly corporate headshots 188 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,510 - and pet autopsies. - Yeah. 189 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:53,765 That's because a lot of my clients are pretty high profile. 190 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,685 [laughs] I mean, it has been NDA after NDA. 191 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,646 And I can't name names, but... 192 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,900 one of my client's names rhymes with Schmilaria Schmaldwin. 193 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,484 Or should I say... 194 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,903 [imitating]: Schmilaria! 195 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,946 Sophie! 196 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:11,450 - Okay, okay, fine. Okay. So, I lie... a lot. 197 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,953 But not as much as Schmilaria. 198 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,371 ♪ 199 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,587 I gotta say, this home birth thing... [water running] 200 00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:25,881 - not that hard. - Soph... 201 00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,050 [blowing, gasping] 202 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,845 - Oh, shit! Soph... - [gasps] What? 203 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,930 There's a pump. 204 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,389 [frustrated groan] 205 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:37,392 - [shuts off water] - But, now that that's done, 206 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,811 I can get back to what I actually know about, 207 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,231 which is taking photos of Ramona's... 208 00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:43,565 [whispers]: vagina. 209 00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,527 - Ah! - Ah! 210 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529 - Oh, my God, that water's, like, a thousand degrees. 211 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,989 Okay, okay, okay. New plan. Um... 212 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,824 She's gonna give birth on the couch. 213 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,201 And then we're gonna buy her a new couch, 214 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:57,120 and then we're gonna spend our entire lives paying off the couch. 215 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,705 What? Soph, just... 216 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,541 Just tell Ramona you don't know what you're doing. 217 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:04,169 - No. I can't. I need to do a good job here. 218 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,506 - Why? You won't even need gigs like this once you sell your photo. 219 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,133 What if I never sell it? 220 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,970 What if this is as good as it gets for me? 221 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,556 [sighs] 222 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:18,350 - Fine. Let's-- Let's cool down this tub. 223 00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,604 - [both loudly wheeze] - No! 224 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,023 No! My lungs are not ready for that. 225 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,776 ♪ 226 00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:29,444 [sighs] 227 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,738 Okay, Sid! Grievances time! 228 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,448 - Hey, you know what? Maybe instead of grievances, 229 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,285 we just do like a compliment circle instead. Here, I'll go first. 230 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,496 You fine, girl. Okay, now, it's your turn. 231 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,666 - Let's do this. - God, they're color-coded? 232 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,002 Okay. I didn't get to all of them, 233 00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,211 but this is a good start. 234 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,046 You sneeze like a toddler. 235 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,798 I have a deviated septum. 236 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:52,301 Your favorite movie is La La Land. 237 00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:55,929 - They shut down a freeway and danced on it. 238 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,973 Your text sound is wind chimes, 239 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,474 you psycho! JESSE: Hey! 240 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,019 - No name-calling, alright? And these are all very petty. 241 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,313 Maybe we can just fast-forward to the end. 242 00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,815 - Oh, yeah? You wanna skip to the grand finale? 243 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,275 And I'm talking, of course, 244 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,485 of the Burrito Incident. 245 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,487 What Burrito Incident? 246 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,866 - 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music recital at the elementary school. 247 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,619 And he'd been working with these kids for months, preparing. 248 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,954 Unrelated, I just started lifting. 249 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,457 I was getting swole, I started doing meal prep. 250 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,627 I made burritos for the week, each one with fresh salsa, 251 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,505 homemade pinto beans, and a smidge of love. 252 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,883 As I was leaving for work, Jesse, you said you were 253 00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,135 [mouthing]: so excited for the recital. 254 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,179 And Meredith, you said you were 255 00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,640 [mouthing]: too sick to go. Cough, cough. 256 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,934 On my way out, I told you both, 257 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,394 "Don't touch my burritos." 258 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,605 And then, "Smell you later." 259 00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:48,190 [door shuts] 260 00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,484 So glad you don't say that anymore. 261 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,445 - Anyway, that night, I returned home before the recital 262 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,113 because I forgot the flowers I got Jesse. 263 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,032 And that's when I saw it. 264 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,492 ♪ 265 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,327 Wednesday. 266 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,872 As I looked closer, I saw a trail of pinto beans. 267 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,583 And on the other side of the door... 268 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,962 MEREDITH: Oh! Mm! [thunder crashes] 269 00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:13,131 - I was stuck at home, starving with a 102 fever, 270 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,716 bummed about missing the recital and... 271 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,636 I shouldn't have eaten your food. 272 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,429 I'm sorry. 273 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,932 - Yes! Okay! An apology. See? That's progress. 274 00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:23,642 Now, please, just hug and make up. 275 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,352 Okay, as a-- as a child of divorce, 276 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,563 all this conflict is making me very uncomfortable. 277 00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:29,815 You guys keep at it, you're gonna have to promise 278 00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,734 to take me to Six Flags to make up for it. And then never do. 279 00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,445 And then buy me a Six Flags T-shirt 280 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,739 and gaslight me into thinking we went by saying things like, 281 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,908 "Well, if we didn't go, where'd you get that T-shirt?" [laughs] 282 00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:42,035 Let's get back to the Burrito Incident. 283 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,121 - I think we're done with the Burrito Incident. 284 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:47,165 You wish, 'Dith! There's more. 285 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,292 Oh, great! There's more! 286 00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:50,752 I'm having a scotch! I'ma do a scotch. You want a scotch? 287 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,379 You two both look like you could use a scotch. 288 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,882 Three scotches coming up! Okey-dokey! 289 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,427 We need to talk. 290 00:11:58,427 --> 00:11:59,511 ♪ 291 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:02,181 ♪ soft music playing, indistinct singing ♪ 292 00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,141 So? How do I look? 293 00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,684 Like a million pounds. 294 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:06,810 Hey! 295 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,353 - The currency, not the weight measurement. 296 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,272 - Oh. Aw. - Now... 297 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,732 for the final step. 298 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,525 We crack the door... 299 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:16,486 and wait to hook us a Rachel fish. 300 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,991 - [fake laugh] So, I told Cara Delevingne, 301 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,493 "I don't have time to go to your hotel room. 302 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,829 I'm flying to Mykonos, business class." 303 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:27,706 - You mean first class. - I mean first class! 304 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,709 - Knock, knock! - Yoo-hoo! Anybody home? 305 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,837 The door was open, so we figured you wanted company. 306 00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:36,465 - I love what you have done with the place! 307 00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,300 - My God, Ellen, we've hooked the wrong fish. 308 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,760 Throw them back. Throw them back. 309 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,303 I'm Julian. This is Maury. 310 00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,972 We moved in together when our wives died. 311 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,557 We don't know if they died. 312 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,392 They just... disappeared. 313 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:50,437 On safari, 27 years ago! 314 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,272 Man, they found bones! 315 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,608 They found one bone! 316 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:55,776 We saw the door open. 317 00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,362 Building party? Nice! 318 00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,655 - Oh, no, we're not having a-- 319 00:12:59,655 --> 00:13:02,533 - Building party! Come on in! The more the merrier! 320 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,534 What are you doing? 321 00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,743 If Rachel passes by 322 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,703 and we're talking spousal remains with Maury and Julian, 323 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,121 then you are as dead as their wives. 324 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,706 Who wants a spritz? 325 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,916 ♪ 326 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,793 [splashing] VALENTINA: Okay. 327 00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,712 I ran down to our apartment. I grabbed this. 328 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:16,922 Yes. Ice! 329 00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,465 Nope! Shrimp. 330 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,466 [splash] 331 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,388 - Did you just pour a shit-ton of frozen shrimp in a tub 332 00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:26,640 that a woman's about to give birth in? 333 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,183 - Yeah. - Why? 334 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,601 The ice trays were empty! 335 00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,771 It's fine! We'll just stir them around to cool down the water, 336 00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:35,107 and then we'll... take them out with this. 337 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,276 Okay. 338 00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:39,361 [stirring] 339 00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:41,446 [louder splashing] 340 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:44,408 [stirring, splashing] 341 00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:45,909 So, how was the new Avatar? 342 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:48,161 - I liked it. - Worth the wait? 343 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,997 Yeah, I think so. 344 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,832 Good to know. 345 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,792 [stirring stops] 346 00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:56,295 It's cooler. We did it! 347 00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,838 Let's get the shrimp out. 348 00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:00,048 [ringtone chiming] [gasps] 349 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,342 I bet that's the gallery. Oh... 350 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,678 Boy, when the universe gives, she really gives. 351 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,389 Whoa, whoa! 352 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:12,060 [gasping] 353 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,479 Hello? 354 00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,274 No. No, Arthur, 355 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,860 I don't have time for a brief survey! 356 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,862 What's going on in here? 357 00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,448 And a... 358 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,492 long, happy life. 359 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,871 Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just... 360 00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,581 blessing the birthing water. [laughs] 361 00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:34,708 Amen. 362 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,752 Shrimp? 363 00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:38,420 ♪ 364 00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:43,884 Why are there shrimp in here? 365 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,553 They're birthing shrimp. 366 00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,389 It's a scampi-style birth. 367 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,600 No. No, no, it's not. 368 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,852 [sighs] Sorry, Ramona. 369 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:57,523 I lied. I am a lying liar who lies when I feel insecure, 370 00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:59,525 which is pretty much always these days. 371 00:14:59,525 --> 00:15:02,486 And the thing is, is I've been waiting for this phone call from the gallery-- 372 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,696 [Ramona screaming] [Sophie gasps] 373 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,448 - I don't care about your character flaws 374 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:09,451 or whatever the gallery is. This baby is coming, 375 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:12,746 and my midwife is trapped on the Roosevelt Island tram! 376 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,374 I mean, there's a subway and a bridge! 377 00:15:15,374 --> 00:15:16,750 Why the hell would you take the tram?! 378 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:19,294 Oh God. Okay. Alright, calm down. 379 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,713 Uh, we're gonna get you to the hospital. 380 00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,966 - Okay. Hospital. - Yeah. 381 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,635 [all screaming] 382 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,263 No. No hospital. Time to push. 383 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:32,391 [all screaming] 384 00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:34,226 - Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace! - Val! 385 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:37,521 Okay, okay! Let's make a miracle. 386 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,733 - Alright. I don't know what you think you heard that night, but-- 387 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,444 - Oh, I know exactly what I heard, Meredith. You were-- 388 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,445 Shh! Shh. 389 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,115 Okay, please. Look. 390 00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:51,201 [sighs] It wasn't my finest moment. 391 00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:54,037 Okay? But, I've grown since then. 392 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,332 And we're the happiest we've ever been. 393 00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,376 Jesse, your best friend, 394 00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,837 is happy. 395 00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,130 Don't take that away from him. 396 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:08,260 - Okay! Shall we get back to this Swedish hell ritual? 397 00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:10,804 [sighs] [glasses clink] 398 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,890 You know what? I'm actually good. 399 00:16:14,183 --> 00:16:16,852 Yeah, Meredith was right. I feel better. 400 00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:19,521 - Really? Okay, Meredith? Anything? Say no. 401 00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,148 - No. I'm good. [relieved sigh] 402 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,650 - If only my parents were this good at conflict resolution. 403 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,278 But, then again, if they were, I wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags 404 00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,780 somewhere between 12 and zero times. [laughs] 405 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,533 [mouthing] 406 00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,620 Bottom line, 407 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,955 if the price of a safari 408 00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,749 seems too good to be true, 409 00:16:38,749 --> 00:16:41,001 then they probably aren't following 410 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,504 proper safety protocols. 411 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:45,714 Yeah, but I bet those two 412 00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,051 are gonna have some stories when they come back. 413 00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,261 Maury, when we see our wives again, 414 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,055 we'll know we're in heaven. 415 00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,681 'Cause they're dead! 416 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,807 ♪ soft music ♪ 417 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,851 Hey! This actually turned into 418 00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:00,312 - a pretty great party, right? - Oh, it's a terrific party! 419 00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:02,606 You know, I really misjudged Julian and Maury. 420 00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:03,941 People can't get enough of them. 421 00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:07,361 Did you know that between them, they have 94 prescriptions? 422 00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:10,781 - I don't get it. Why haven't the great vibes lured Rachel through the doo-- 423 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,991 Damn it! Who closed the door? 424 00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:15,327 - It was the girl who lives across the hall. 425 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,954 The one who loves tote bags? 426 00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:18,372 That's Rachel! 427 00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,207 She's the whole reason I pretended to be fun! 428 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:21,583 Okay, you know what? 429 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,627 Oh, I'm done playing games. 430 00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,212 Everybody out! 431 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,255 ♪ music continues ♪ 432 00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:28,507 Um, sweetie, that was the air purifier. 433 00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,052 - [heavy breathing] - Okay, Ramona. 434 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,637 Many mistakes were made here today. 435 00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,764 Some by me, some by Valentina. 436 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,391 - Literally every part of this is your fault. 437 00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,977 - Doesn't matter. The paramedics are on their way, 438 00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:41,270 Okay, and the nice lady 439 00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:43,397 from 911 is going to talk us through this. 440 00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:46,191 And together, we are going to give you 441 00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:48,735 the peaceful home birth of your dreams. 442 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,363 - [sighs] Okay. - Okay? Alright, Kristy? 443 00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:54,116 She is in the tub. Talk to us. 444 00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,617 KRISTY [on phone]: Okay, let-- [splash] 445 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,120 Kristy? 446 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,748 ♪ intense metal music ♪ 447 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,083 [screaming] 448 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:06,461 [overlapping yelling] 449 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:10,007 [all screaming] 450 00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:11,967 [screaming continues] 451 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:15,053 - I can see the head! I can see the head! Push! 452 00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,431 [screaming] 453 00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,640 [silence] 454 00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:22,019 - And do you know what she named that baby? 455 00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:23,353 SOPHIE'S SON: Uh, Sophie? 456 00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:25,898 No. Ryleigh. 457 00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,860 Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H. 458 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,280 Nightmare. 459 00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:38,452 ♪ 460 00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:41,580 [sighs] Okay, here's the deal. 461 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:45,167 I think it's borderline inhumane that you haven't texted me yet. 462 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,212 If you don't wanna go out, just tell me. I can take it. 463 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,883 First of all, hi. 464 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:54,051 Second of all... 465 00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:58,889 I was gonna text you, but I got in my head about what to say. 466 00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:01,600 So, I googled "what to say," which led me to the video 467 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,352 of Jason Derulo's smash hit Whatcha Say, 468 00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:04,937 followed by that scene from The O.C. 469 00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,855 set to the Imogen Heap song that Jason sampled. 470 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,565 Then, the SNL parody of that scene. 471 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,400 [laughs] And I was gonna send that, 472 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,196 but I-I came home, and I saw you were having a party 473 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:17,032 and apparently invited everyone in the building but me. 474 00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,993 So, I figured that if you don't me at your party, 475 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,120 - you definitely don't wanna go out-- - No, no, no, no, no. 476 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:25,499 I... I just threw that party to entice you into texting me 477 00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:28,126 by showing you I'm cool and popular. 478 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,587 Oh, my God. 479 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,130 We're both crazy. 480 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,298 We're insane. 481 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:36,134 - [both laugh] - Okay. Great! 482 00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,719 - So, I'll text you? - No! 483 00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,346 Texting almost broke us. 484 00:19:40,097 --> 00:19:43,141 How about we go out right now? 485 00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:45,561 Right now's perfect. 486 00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:50,190 Charlie! I know you're watching! 487 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,483 CHARLIE: [muffled] No, I'm not. 488 00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,236 We've got a date, people. 489 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,239 [cheering, laughter] 490 00:19:57,239 --> 00:20:01,201 Maury, you owe me $60,000. 491 00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,832 - Two Blue Moons, appropriate amount of head. 492 00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:09,084 [whispers]: Thanks. 493 00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:11,336 ♪ soft music ♪ 494 00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,846 ♪ 495 00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:24,266 - I just said I was sick. It's a kids' recital. 496 00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,518 What, am I spending two hours on the C train 497 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,312 so I can listen to a bunch of second graders 498 00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:30,397 butcher Hot Cross Buns on the recorder? 499 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,899 [laughs] Mm! 500 00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:37,613 VALENTINA: And remember when you were like, 501 00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:40,157 "Push!" And then, she pushed! 502 00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:43,035 And remember when you were like, "Keep pushing!" And then she did, 503 00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,204 - and then a freaking baby came out?! - Oh, my God! 504 00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:46,705 Wow! Val! 505 00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:49,708 I could have never done that without you. Like, legit. 506 00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,878 - Soph, you are nothing short of a lying psychopath, 507 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,421 but you're my lying psychopath. 508 00:20:55,172 --> 00:20:56,215 [laughs] 509 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,759 Oh... speaking of... 510 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,844 There's something I've gotta go do. 511 00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,931 ♪ 512 00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,057 Hey, Meredith. 513 00:21:06,183 --> 00:21:08,977 I wanted you to know that my photo didn't actually sell. 514 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:10,771 At all. 515 00:21:10,771 --> 00:21:12,606 - Oh. - But it's fine. 516 00:21:12,606 --> 00:21:14,316 It's fine that it didn't sell. 517 00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:18,028 And that you're pretty and famous and cool 518 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:20,197 because I did something incredible today. 519 00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:23,617 Something even you've never done. I delivered a baby. 520 00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:26,036 Actually, Meredith had delivered a baby. 521 00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,080 - Push! [subway rumbling] 522 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,582 You can do this! I got you, Jen! 523 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:33,293 But that's neither here nor there. 524 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,421 And stupid, classy Meredith just said... 525 00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,131 That's really cool, Sophie. 526 00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,758 [sighs] 527 00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:41,593 - [ringtone chiming] - Oh. 528 00:21:43,637 --> 00:21:44,471 Hello? 529 00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:46,014 Yes. 530 00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:48,183 [gasps] It did? 531 00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,477 Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh! 532 00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:53,981 Uh, just one sec. It sold! In your face, Meredith! 533 00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:55,774 JESSE: Whoa... 534 00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,985 - I'm sorry. I'm just-- I-I'm so excited. 535 00:21:57,985 --> 00:22:00,529 - [laughs] Congratulations, Sophie. That's great. 536 00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:02,739 I decided from then on, 537 00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:06,702 it was going to be a new, honest, straightforward me. 538 00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:10,080 Uh, Sophie... Is that... 539 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,790 shrimp in your hair? 540 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960 Oh! Oh, this? [laughs] 541 00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:18,547 This is a time-release leave-in conditioner pellet? 542 00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:21,633 It's injected into a shrimp's body for added protein. 543 00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:25,304 [scoffs] Obviously, you have no idea what's going on in the hair world. 544 00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,097 I've learned nothing. 545 00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,853 ♪