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♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
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♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
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♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
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Honey, um...
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There's something
you should know about your mom.
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I'm a dirty liar.
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SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Oh, my God.
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Is this endless story
you're telling not even true?
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Of course, it is!
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I quit lying last year when I turned 40.
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- SOPHIE'S SON: Mom--
- Don't.
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But back in the day,
compulsive lying,
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well, it was kind of my jam.
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Especially when I was feeling insecure.
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And waiting to hear from the gallery
if my photos sold
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was making me hella insecure.
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- You know you can actually
get a ticket for that.
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It's called "distracted walking."
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- Oh, I forgot you minored
in sidewalk law.
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Plus, I am not even distracted.
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That yoga class really centered me.
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[ringtone chiming]
Oh, excuse me.
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[yelps]
Pardon me. Sorry. Important call.
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Life-changing moment! Sorry!
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Hello? Uh-huh.
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Really? That's amazing.
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Thank you so much for the phone call.
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Turns out, that wasn't my phone.
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But, uh, Brooke, your dog's operation
was a success.
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VALENTINA:
Wait, is that--
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Meredith!
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This is not how I wanted to meet her.
I look gross!
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She's a pop star
whose single is breaking out,
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and I'm a struggling photographer
whose face is breaking out. Look at this!
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That was a piece of nougat.
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- Yeah, so it's all been
kind of a whirlwind.
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I did the Today show yesterday,
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I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow,
and Last Week Tonight next week.
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- Plus, she's got
The Late Late Show on Friday,
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and then that segment for Sunday Morning
later that afternoon.
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- You're a Saturday Night Live
Thursday pre-shoot away
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from having the world's
most confusing schedule.
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ELLEN:
Ugh, come on!
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You know, it's been days
since I gave Rachel my number,
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and she still has it texted me yet!
But, she has time to tweet
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that Sarah Paulson was
a revelation as Roseanne Barr?
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That was Sarah Paulson in
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Lower the Barr: the Life
and Unhinging of Roseanne Barr?
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What a chameleon!
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Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam.
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- It's called head, not foam.
- Oh.
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- Well then, why'd you
give me so much head?
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- Oh! [laughs]
- Head!
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- Clean it up, Meredith.
This is a family bar.
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- No worries. I'll take it.
Old J-Boy loves head.
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- Ah, love it when you
push the envelope, bro!
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What...
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Oh hey, what is Sophie doing outside?
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- Babe, you gotta blend.
You look like the clown from It.
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- From what?
- From It.
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- From what?
- From It!
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It is the name of the movie.
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What is the name of the movie?!
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You know everyone can see you, right?
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You wanna stop being weird
and come inside?
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I don't know. It's gonna be so awkward.
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Jesse probably told her about our thing.
I'm sure she's threatened by it.
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- Nope. She doesn't care.
- Damn it.
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God, that makes it so much worse.
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Of course, Meredith
isn't threatened by me.
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She just released Song of the Year,
and I...
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I just sold a photo
for a crazy amount of money.
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Wow. Good for you!
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- Did she sell it?
- No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes.
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- Yeah, it was a huge bidding war
between the Prince of Liechtenstein,
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the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp,
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and the sisters from Sister Sister.
And just to be clear,
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the Sister Sister sisters were not
bidding together as sisters, so...
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Like I said,
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I had a small lying problem.
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- SOPHIE'S SON: Mom...
- A medium lying problem.
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- SOPHIE'S SON: Mom!
- Okay, fine.
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It was a huge [bleep] problem, okay?
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♪
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- Ellen, watching Rachel's door
isn't gonna make her ask you out.
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Just like more water isn't gonna
bring back Planthony Hopkins.
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- Do you think she changed
her mind about me?
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Of course, she did. Am I ugly?
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Charlie, you'd tell me
if I was ugly, right?
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- Of course. I always tell ugly people
when they're ugly.
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Why do you think the fuggo super
won't fix our sink?
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You're right. I'm a dime.
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It must be my garbage personality.
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Ellen, if your personality is garbage,
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then call me a raccoon
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because I love it.
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- Aw.
Well, then call me an ambulance
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because that compliment
damn near killed me.
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- You just need to remind Rachel
how great you are.
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So, we are gonna spruce this place up,
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gonna put on our Sunday best,
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and then leave the door playfully ajar.
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When Rachel walks by, she won't be able
to resist asking you out.
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[sighs]
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The only flaw in your plan is
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it's so bad in here.
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Yes. Should've had that threesome
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with Chip and Joanna Gaines
while I had the chance.
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Grilled cheese, coming in hot!
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- Yes! This man is
a grilled cheese maestro.
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He's like the Eddie Vedder of cheddar.
May I?
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- Dude, you never have
to ask about sharing stuff.
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- JESSE: Ooh...
- Food, shampoo, a journal...
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- Okay, we've discussed this.
I'm not sharing a journal with you.
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- I'm still gonna leave every other page
blank in case you change your mind.
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- I'm gonna go get some ranch.
- Yeah, ranch it up, baby!
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Mm, yum.
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- Hey, hey, hey! Don't even think
about eating one of these.
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- These are for me and Jesse.
- Seriously?
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- There's, like, six of them.
- Yeah. Yeah!
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Two for me. Four for him. Zero for you.
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He's a hungry boy.
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Babe, you want ketchup, too?
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BOTH:
Uh, yes, please.
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[Sid laughs]
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- Just give me one, you freak.
- Meredith, stop it.
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- Give it to me...
- No! No!
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- Come on, I'm hungry, too!
- You don't get
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everything you want, sweetie!
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Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is happening?
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- I don't know. All I did was offer her
a scrumptious grilled cheese.
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He's lying! He won't give me one
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because you're a hungry boy.
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What? Okay.
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Can everyone please just chill out?
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Sid, I know you're still mad at Meredith
about the whole proposal thing,
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but we're hanging out again,
and it's feeling really good.
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Yeah. I've had issues with Meredith
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way before she clowned you
in front of the nation.
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- Oh, really? What are they?
- [scoffs] I--
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Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea.
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When I was writing my album
in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn,
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we did a Stor Dela Med Sig,
or airing of grievances,
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and it really helped. What do you think?
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Okay, well, counter pitch to that idea.
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Uh, what if instead of airing
those grievances, right,
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we just bottle those bad boys up.
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We bury them deep inside us. Uh, forever.
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Mm...
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- The Swedish have never
really steered me wrong.
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Not on meatballs, massages,
or house mafias.
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- MEREDITH: Hm.
- I'm in.
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♪
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- I thought it went gangbusters
with Meredith earlier, no?
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Um... Yeah.
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Except that literally
everything you said was untrue.
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Okay, fine.
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I told a couple of harmless fiblets
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to feel better about myself.
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But who cares?
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And I know you lie about your age.
You do it all the time.
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- [elderly voice]:
One senior ticket
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for the 2:45 Avatar.
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That's not a lie. That is a performance.
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That shit takes commitment.
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[knocking]
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[Sophie clears throat]
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- [gasps] Ramona. Hey!
- Sophie.
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I... I'm in early labor.
I think it's almost time.
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- Oh, my God. It's almost time!
- Yeah.
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You know Ramona from 5C?
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She hired me to photograph her home birth.
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- Oh, so, the landlord will let her
give birth in her apartment,
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but I can't own a snake?
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- Okay, well, why don't you
grab your stuff and come on up?
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The midwife is running a little late,
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so you're fine setting up
the birthing tub, right?
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Since you've shot a bunch of home births.
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[groans] Okay...
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I'm gonna go lay down.
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Kinda wish I just texted you.
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Sophie. Why does Ramona think
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you have so much experience
with home births?
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I've shot so many home births,
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I could practically perform one.
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[laughs]
187
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- Really? 'Cause your portfolio
is mostly corporate headshots
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- and pet autopsies.
- Yeah.
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That's because a lot of my clients
are pretty high profile.
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[laughs]
I mean, it has been NDA after NDA.
191
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And I can't name names, but...
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one of my client's names rhymes with
Schmilaria Schmaldwin.
193
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,484
Or should I say...
194
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,903
[imitating]:
Schmilaria!
195
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,946
Sophie!
196
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:11,450
- Okay, okay, fine.
Okay. So, I lie... a lot.
197
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,953
But not as much as Schmilaria.
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♪
199
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I gotta say, this home birth thing...
[water running]
200
00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:25,881
- not that hard.
- Soph...
201
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,050
[blowing, gasping]
202
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,845
- Oh, shit! Soph...
- [gasps] What?
203
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,930
There's a pump.
204
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,389
[frustrated groan]
205
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:37,392
- [shuts off water]
- But, now that that's done,
206
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,811
I can get back
to what I actually know about,
207
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,231
which is taking photos of Ramona's...
208
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:43,565
[whispers]:
vagina.
209
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,527
- Ah!
- Ah!
210
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529
- Oh, my God, that water's,
like, a thousand degrees.
211
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,989
Okay, okay, okay. New plan. Um...
212
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,824
She's gonna give birth on the couch.
213
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,201
And then we're gonna buy her a new couch,
214
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:57,120
and then we're gonna spend
our entire lives paying off the couch.
215
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,705
What? Soph, just...
216
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,541
Just tell Ramona you don't know
what you're doing.
217
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:04,169
- No. I can't.
I need to do a good job here.
218
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,506
- Why? You won't even need gigs
like this once you sell your photo.
219
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,133
What if I never sell it?
220
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,970
What if this is as good as it gets for me?
221
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[sighs]
222
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:18,350
- Fine. Let's-- Let's cool down this tub.
223
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,604
- [both loudly wheeze]
- No!
224
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,023
No! My lungs are not ready for that.
225
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,776
♪
226
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[sighs]
227
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,738
Okay, Sid! Grievances time!
228
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,448
- Hey, you know what?
Maybe instead of grievances,
229
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,285
we just do like a compliment
circle instead. Here, I'll go first.
230
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,496
You fine, girl.
Okay, now, it's your turn.
231
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,666
- Let's do this.
- God, they're color-coded?
232
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,002
Okay. I didn't get to all of them,
233
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,211
but this is a good start.
234
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,046
You sneeze like a toddler.
235
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,798
I have a deviated septum.
236
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:52,301
Your favorite movie is La La Land.
237
00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:55,929
- They shut down a freeway
and danced on it.
238
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,973
Your text sound is wind chimes,
239
00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,474
you psycho!
JESSE: Hey!
240
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,019
- No name-calling, alright?
And these are all very petty.
241
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,313
Maybe we can just fast-forward to the end.
242
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,815
- Oh, yeah? You wanna skip
to the grand finale?
243
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,275
And I'm talking, of course,
244
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,485
of the Burrito Incident.
245
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,487
What Burrito Incident?
246
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,866
- 'Twas the day of Jesse's first music
recital at the elementary school.
247
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,619
And he'd been working
with these kids for months, preparing.
248
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,954
Unrelated, I just started lifting.
249
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,457
I was getting swole,
I started doing meal prep.
250
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,627
I made burritos for the week,
each one with fresh salsa,
251
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,505
homemade pinto beans,
and a smidge of love.
252
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,883
As I was leaving for work,
Jesse, you said you were
253
00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:35,135
[mouthing]:
so excited for the recital.
254
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,179
And Meredith, you said you were
255
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,640
[mouthing]:
too sick to go. Cough, cough.
256
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,934
On my way out, I told you both,
257
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,394
"Don't touch my burritos."
258
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,605
And then, "Smell you later."
259
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:48,190
[door shuts]
260
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,484
So glad you don't say that anymore.
261
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,445
- Anyway, that night, I returned
home before the recital
262
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,113
because I forgot the flowers I got Jesse.
263
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,032
And that's when I saw it.
264
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,492
♪
265
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,327
Wednesday.
266
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,872
As I looked closer,
I saw a trail of pinto beans.
267
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,583
And on the other side of the door...
268
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,962
MEREDITH: Oh! Mm!
[thunder crashes]
269
00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:13,131
- I was stuck at home,
starving with a 102 fever,
270
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,716
bummed about missing the recital and...
271
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,636
I shouldn't have eaten your food.
272
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,429
I'm sorry.
273
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:21,932
- Yes! Okay! An apology.
See? That's progress.
274
00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:23,642
Now, please, just hug and make up.
275
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,352
Okay, as a-- as a child of divorce,
276
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,563
all this conflict is making me
very uncomfortable.
277
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:29,815
You guys keep at it,
you're gonna have to promise
278
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,734
to take me to Six Flags
to make up for it. And then never do.
279
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,445
And then buy me a Six Flags T-shirt
280
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,739
and gaslight me into thinking we went
by saying things like,
281
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,908
"Well, if we didn't go,
where'd you get that T-shirt?" [laughs]
282
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:42,035
Let's get back to the Burrito Incident.
283
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,121
- I think we're done
with the Burrito Incident.
284
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:47,165
You wish, 'Dith! There's more.
285
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,292
Oh, great! There's more!
286
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:50,752
I'm having a scotch!
I'ma do a scotch. You want a scotch?
287
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,379
You two both look like
you could use a scotch.
288
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,882
Three scotches coming up! Okey-dokey!
289
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,427
We need to talk.
290
00:11:58,427 --> 00:11:59,511
♪
291
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:02,181
♪ soft music playing, indistinct singing ♪
292
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:04,141
So? How do I look?
293
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,684
Like a million pounds.
294
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:06,810
Hey!
295
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,353
- The currency,
not the weight measurement.
296
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,272
- Oh. Aw.
- Now...
297
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,732
for the final step.
298
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,525
We crack the door...
299
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:16,486
and wait to hook us a Rachel fish.
300
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,991
- [fake laugh]
So, I told Cara Delevingne,
301
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,493
"I don't have time
to go to your hotel room.
302
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,829
I'm flying to Mykonos, business class."
303
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:27,706
- You mean first class.
- I mean first class!
304
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,709
- Knock, knock!
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
305
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,837
The door was open,
so we figured you wanted company.
306
00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:36,465
- I love what you have done
with the place!
307
00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,300
- My God, Ellen,
we've hooked the wrong fish.
308
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,760
Throw them back. Throw them back.
309
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,303
I'm Julian. This is Maury.
310
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,972
We moved in together when our wives died.
311
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,557
We don't know if they died.
312
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,392
They just... disappeared.
313
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:50,437
On safari, 27 years ago!
314
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,272
Man, they found bones!
315
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,608
They found one bone!
316
00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:55,776
We saw the door open.
317
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:58,362
Building party? Nice!
318
00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,655
- Oh, no, we're not having a--
319
00:12:59,655 --> 00:13:02,533
- Building party! Come on in!
The more the merrier!
320
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,534
What are you doing?
321
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,743
If Rachel passes by
322
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,703
and we're talking spousal remains
with Maury and Julian,
323
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,121
then you are as dead as their wives.
324
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,706
Who wants a spritz?
325
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,916
♪
326
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,793
[splashing]
VALENTINA: Okay.
327
00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,712
I ran down to our apartment.
I grabbed this.
328
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:16,922
Yes. Ice!
329
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,465
Nope! Shrimp.
330
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,466
[splash]
331
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,388
- Did you just pour a shit-ton
of frozen shrimp in a tub
332
00:13:24,388 --> 00:13:26,640
that a woman's about to give birth in?
333
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,183
- Yeah.
- Why?
334
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,601
The ice trays were empty!
335
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,771
It's fine! We'll just stir them around
to cool down the water,
336
00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:35,107
and then we'll... take them out with this.
337
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,276
Okay.
338
00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:39,361
[stirring]
339
00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:41,446
[louder splashing]
340
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:44,408
[stirring, splashing]
341
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:45,909
So, how was the new Avatar?
342
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:48,161
- I liked it.
- Worth the wait?
343
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,997
Yeah, I think so.
344
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,832
Good to know.
345
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,792
[stirring stops]
346
00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:56,295
It's cooler. We did it!
347
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,838
Let's get the shrimp out.
348
00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:00,048
[ringtone chiming]
[gasps]
349
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,342
I bet that's the gallery. Oh...
350
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,678
Boy, when the universe gives,
she really gives.
351
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,389
Whoa, whoa!
352
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:12,060
[gasping]
353
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:14,479
Hello?
354
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,274
No. No, Arthur,
355
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,860
I don't have time for a brief survey!
356
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,862
What's going on in here?
357
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,448
And a...
358
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,492
long, happy life.
359
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,871
Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just...
360
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,581
blessing the birthing water. [laughs]
361
00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:34,708
Amen.
362
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,752
Shrimp?
363
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:38,420
♪
364
00:14:42,216 --> 00:14:43,884
Why are there shrimp in here?
365
00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,553
They're birthing shrimp.
366
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,389
It's a scampi-style birth.
367
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,600
No. No, no, it's not.
368
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,852
[sighs] Sorry, Ramona.
369
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:57,523
I lied. I am a lying liar who lies
when I feel insecure,
370
00:14:57,523 --> 00:14:59,525
which is pretty much always these days.
371
00:14:59,525 --> 00:15:02,486
And the thing is, is I've been waiting
for this phone call from the gallery--
372
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,696
[Ramona screaming]
[Sophie gasps]
373
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,448
- I don't care about
your character flaws
374
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:09,451
or whatever the gallery is.
This baby is coming,
375
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:12,746
and my midwife is trapped
on the Roosevelt Island tram!
376
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,374
I mean, there's a subway and a bridge!
377
00:15:15,374 --> 00:15:16,750
Why the hell would you take the tram?!
378
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:19,294
Oh God. Okay. Alright, calm down.
379
00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,713
Uh, we're gonna get you
to the hospital.
380
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,966
- Okay. Hospital.
- Yeah.
381
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,635
[all screaming]
382
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,263
No. No hospital. Time to push.
383
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:32,391
[all screaming]
384
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:34,226
- Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace!
- Val!
385
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:37,521
Okay, okay! Let's make a miracle.
386
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,733
- Alright. I don't know what you think
you heard that night, but--
387
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,444
- Oh, I know exactly what
I heard, Meredith. You were--
388
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,445
Shh! Shh.
389
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,115
Okay, please. Look.
390
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:51,201
[sighs] It wasn't my finest moment.
391
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:54,037
Okay? But, I've grown since then.
392
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,332
And we're the happiest we've ever been.
393
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,376
Jesse, your best friend,
394
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:01,837
is happy.
395
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,130
Don't take that away from him.
396
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:08,260
- Okay! Shall we get back
to this Swedish hell ritual?
397
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:10,804
[sighs]
[glasses clink]
398
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,890
You know what? I'm actually good.
399
00:16:14,183 --> 00:16:16,852
Yeah, Meredith was right. I feel better.
400
00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:19,521
- Really? Okay, Meredith?
Anything? Say no.
401
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,148
- No. I'm good.
[relieved sigh]
402
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,650
- If only my parents were this good
at conflict resolution.
403
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,278
But, then again, if they were,
I wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags
404
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,780
somewhere between
12 and zero times. [laughs]
405
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,533
[mouthing]
406
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,620
Bottom line,
407
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,955
if the price of a safari
408
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,749
seems too good to be true,
409
00:16:38,749 --> 00:16:41,001
then they probably aren't following
410
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,504
proper safety protocols.
411
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:45,714
Yeah, but I bet those two
412
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,051
are gonna have some stories
when they come back.
413
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:51,261
Maury, when we see our wives again,
414
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,055
we'll know we're in heaven.
415
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,681
'Cause they're dead!
416
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,807
♪ soft music ♪
417
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,851
Hey! This actually turned into
418
00:16:57,851 --> 00:17:00,312
- a pretty great party, right?
- Oh, it's a terrific party!
419
00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:02,606
You know, I really misjudged
Julian and Maury.
420
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:03,941
People can't get enough of them.
421
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:07,361
Did you know that between them,
they have 94 prescriptions?
422
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:10,781
- I don't get it. Why haven't the great
vibes lured Rachel through the doo--
423
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,991
Damn it! Who closed the door?
424
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:15,327
- It was the girl
who lives across the hall.
425
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,954
The one who loves tote bags?
426
00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:18,372
That's Rachel!
427
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:20,207
She's the whole reason
I pretended to be fun!
428
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:21,583
Okay, you know what?
429
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:23,627
Oh, I'm done playing games.
430
00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,212
Everybody out!
431
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,255
♪ music continues ♪
432
00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:28,507
Um, sweetie, that was the air purifier.
433
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,052
- [heavy breathing]
- Okay, Ramona.
434
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,637
Many mistakes were made here today.
435
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,764
Some by me, some by Valentina.
436
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,391
- Literally every part of this
is your fault.
437
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,977
- Doesn't matter.
The paramedics are on their way,
438
00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:41,270
Okay, and the nice lady
439
00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:43,397
from 911 is going to talk us through this.
440
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:46,191
And together, we are going to give you
441
00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:48,735
the peaceful home birth of your dreams.
442
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,363
- [sighs] Okay.
- Okay? Alright, Kristy?
443
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:54,116
She is in the tub. Talk to us.
444
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,617
KRISTY [on phone]: Okay, let--
[splash]
445
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,120
Kristy?
446
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,748
♪ intense metal music ♪
447
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,083
[screaming]
448
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:06,461
[overlapping yelling]
449
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:10,007
[all screaming]
450
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:11,967
[screaming continues]
451
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:15,053
- I can see the head!
I can see the head! Push!
452
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,431
[screaming]
453
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,640
[silence]
454
00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:22,019
- And do you know
what she named that baby?
455
00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:23,353
SOPHIE'S SON:
Uh, Sophie?
456
00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:25,898
No. Ryleigh.
457
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,860
Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H.
458
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,280
Nightmare.
459
00:18:37,451 --> 00:18:38,452
♪
460
00:18:39,411 --> 00:18:41,580
[sighs] Okay, here's the deal.
461
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:45,167
I think it's borderline inhumane
that you haven't texted me yet.
462
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,212
If you don't wanna go out,
just tell me. I can take it.
463
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,883
First of all, hi.
464
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:54,051
Second of all...
465
00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:58,889
I was gonna text you,
but I got in my head about what to say.
466
00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:01,600
So, I googled "what to say,"
which led me to the video
467
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,352
of Jason Derulo's smash hit Whatcha Say,
468
00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:04,937
followed by that scene from The O.C.
469
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,855
set to the Imogen Heap song
that Jason sampled.
470
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,565
Then, the SNL parody of that scene.
471
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,400
[laughs]
And I was gonna send that,
472
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:14,196
but I-I came home,
and I saw you were having a party
473
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:17,032
and apparently invited everyone
in the building but me.
474
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,993
So, I figured that
if you don't me at your party,
475
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,120
- you definitely don't wanna go out--
- No, no, no, no, no.
476
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:25,499
I... I just threw that party
to entice you into texting me
477
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:28,126
by showing you I'm cool and popular.
478
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,587
Oh, my God.
479
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,130
We're both crazy.
480
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,298
We're insane.
481
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:36,134
- [both laugh]
- Okay. Great!
482
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,719
- So, I'll text you?
- No!
483
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,346
Texting almost broke us.
484
00:19:40,097 --> 00:19:43,141
How about we go out right now?
485
00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:45,561
Right now's perfect.
486
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:50,190
Charlie! I know you're watching!
487
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,483
CHARLIE: [muffled]
No, I'm not.
488
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,236
We've got a date, people.
489
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,239
[cheering, laughter]
490
00:19:57,239 --> 00:20:01,201
Maury, you owe me $60,000.
491
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,832
- Two Blue Moons,
appropriate amount of head.
492
00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:09,084
[whispers]: Thanks.
493
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:11,336
♪ soft music ♪
494
00:20:17,301 --> 00:20:20,846
♪
495
00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:24,266
- I just said I was sick.
It's a kids' recital.
496
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,518
What, am I spending
two hours on the C train
497
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,312
so I can listen
to a bunch of second graders
498
00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:30,397
butcher Hot Cross Buns on the recorder?
499
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,899
[laughs] Mm!
500
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:37,613
VALENTINA:
And remember when you were like,
501
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:40,157
"Push!" And then, she pushed!
502
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:43,035
And remember when you were like,
"Keep pushing!" And then she did,
503
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,204
- and then a freaking baby came out?!
- Oh, my God!
504
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:46,705
Wow! Val!
505
00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:49,708
I could have never done that without you.
Like, legit.
506
00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:52,878
- Soph, you are nothing short
of a lying psychopath,
507
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,421
but you're my lying psychopath.
508
00:20:55,172 --> 00:20:56,215
[laughs]
509
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,759
Oh... speaking of...
510
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,844
There's something I've gotta go do.
511
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,931
♪
512
00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,057
Hey, Meredith.
513
00:21:06,183 --> 00:21:08,977
I wanted you to know that
my photo didn't actually sell.
514
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:10,771
At all.
515
00:21:10,771 --> 00:21:12,606
- Oh.
- But it's fine.
516
00:21:12,606 --> 00:21:14,316
It's fine that it didn't sell.
517
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:18,028
And that you're pretty and famous and cool
518
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:20,197
because I did something incredible today.
519
00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:23,617
Something even you've never done.
I delivered a baby.
520
00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:26,036
Actually, Meredith had delivered a baby.
521
00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,080
- Push!
[subway rumbling]
522
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,582
You can do this! I got you, Jen!
523
00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:33,293
But that's neither here nor there.
524
00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,421
And stupid, classy Meredith just said...
525
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,131
That's really cool, Sophie.
526
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,758
[sighs]
527
00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:41,593
- [ringtone chiming]
- Oh.
528
00:21:43,637 --> 00:21:44,471
Hello?
529
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:46,014
Yes.
530
00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:48,183
[gasps] It did?
531
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,477
Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh!
532
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:53,981
Uh, just one sec.
It sold! In your face, Meredith!
533
00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:55,774
JESSE:
Whoa...
534
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,985
- I'm sorry. I'm just-- I-I'm so excited.
535
00:21:57,985 --> 00:22:00,529
- [laughs] Congratulations, Sophie.
That's great.
536
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:02,739
I decided from then on,
537
00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:06,702
it was going to be a new, honest,
straightforward me.
538
00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:10,080
Uh, Sophie... Is that...
539
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,790
shrimp in your hair?
540
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960
Oh! Oh, this? [laughs]
541
00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:18,547
This is a time-release leave-in
conditioner pellet?
542
00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:21,633
It's injected into a shrimp's body
for added protein.
543
00:22:21,633 --> 00:22:25,304
[scoffs] Obviously, you have no idea
what's going on in the hair world.
544
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,097
I've learned nothing.
545
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:32,853
♪