♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Here you go!
An energizing green juice for your big first day.
- [excited gasp] - Ooh, Goliath Market
is not gonna know what hit them! [gasps]
Ta-da! Meet Ellen from corporate.
[sighs] Val...
I love it. [squeals]
♪ I'm a big-city boss, just sipping on greens ♪
♪ Coming in to work ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a goddamn quee... een! ♪
[laughs] That sounded like a song
from one of those reality shows about girl bosses, like,
and they're doing girl boss things!
Like, they go to sell a big house, and they're like...
♪ I'm selling this big-ass house ♪
♪ I'm wearing these high-ass heels ♪
- Exactly! You know, sometimes I like to imagine myself
as the star of my own reality TV show.
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
Ellen, La Ricca Puttana Della Citta!
It's a huge hit in Italy.
Well, thanks so much, guys.
- Wish me luck? - Oh, you don't need it.
- You got this. - Woo!
[Sophie laughs]
I am so, so excited for her!
Me, too! She is crushing it.
- Killing it. - Murdered it.
- It is dead. [imitates explosion]
I couldn't be happier for her.
[both sigh]
Even though, you know,
we've been in New York way, way longer, and our careers are--
- Trash. - Trainwrecks.
- Full-on flaming garbage.
Hey, you know what we need?
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
Oh, my God, yes.
Pathetic Deirdre! [maniacal laughter]
Okay, so I realize
this is maybe not the best look for me.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: You and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
about some poor woman named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
Yeah, it's not great.
Well, just let me explain.
Deirdre was an old college friend,
and Aunt Val and I used to invite her to brunch when we were feeling,
you know, low, to give ourselves an ego boost.
This city is just too loud for me.
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
- [quietly]: New Jersey. On purpose!
[stifled laughter]
I don't know how you two party so much.
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
- [quietly]: I haven't gone to bed at 9:00 since I was 9.
[stifled laugh]
I'm thinking about writing a book.
Like, about my life.
[snorting laughter]
Who would read that?
Wouldn't. Who wouldn't read that?
[gasps] Wait.
Val, is this gross?
We're 30 now.
We support other women.
- [scoffs] It's fine. We're just reaching out to an old friend
to see if she wants to have brunch.
Something women have done throughout herstory.
You're right.
Should we call her first to make sure she doesn't have other plans?
[snorting laughter]
SOPHIE'S SON: Mom! [laughing]
You don't get it!
She never had anything going on!
[laughs]
♪
Okay, babe, are you ready to do this?
Almost. How's my hair?
Oh, it's so cute.
[both cooing]
- Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith and I shoot a video in here, do you?
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
Gotta let the M-heads know that Jesse and I are back together,
and he's joining me on tour.
- M-heads?
BOTH: Meredith heads. M-heads!
- Yeah. My whole album is about our breakup,
and so us getting back together
is gonna be pretty big news in the Memmunity.
BOTH: The Meredith community.
Okay, well,
I'm gonna need some immunity from the Memmunity
'cause your cuteness is killing me.
JESSE: Oh, awesome. [Charlie laughs]
Exciting news, boss man.
I started dating again.
Obviously, by dating, I mean hardcore,
no-strings-attached doinking.
That is right.
Yours truly hooked up with a comely young lady last night,
and it was luscious.
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
but please do not use the words,
"doinking" or "luscious" or "comely" again.
Noted.
[both cooing]
What on Earth are they doing with their noses?
They are happy, and they're in love,
and though we have our misgivings,
Jesse is our best friend, so we support him.
- What I supported last night was the full weight of a human woman.
- The more you talk, the more you sound like a murderer.
♪ Got the world in ♪
♪ My own hands ♪
♪ I'm going to work ♪
♪
♪ I'm going to work, work, work ♪
♪ I'm not here to play, play, play ♪
♪ Juice is just okay, okay, okay ♪
♪ That horse eats hay, hay, hay ♪
♪ Get out of my way ♪
♪
♪ Don't get in my way, I'm here to stay... ♪
- Hello. - Hi.
Ellen Gilbert.
It's my first day, and I need a...
pass! Pass! Pass!
Oh! Can you make it fast, fast, fast?
Sorry, I just wanna hop on the elevator with my boss.
- [elevator ding, doors open] - You sure?
The elevator is a very small space for your boss to be alone with...
all of this.
Stairs it is! [nervous laugh]
[humming]
I'll get my steps in. [door opens]
51st floor? [laughs]
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
[grunting] [knob rattling]
♪
VALENTINA: Soph! Deirdre texted back!
"Sorry, lovelies, can't brunch today.
I have a book reading at The Ginz in 30 minutes."
- A book reading? What does that even mean?
- Maybe it auto-corrected "foot cleaning"?
Oh... I bet it's like a open mic thing.
We have to go.
Already requesting a Lyft.
♪
[bookstore chatter]
[scoffs] This can't all be for Deirdre's thing.
Uh, excuse me. Is there another smaller,
sadder event happening here today?
Nope. Just the one book reading.
WOMAN: [gasps] She's here!
[applause]
Hold on.
Did Pathetic Deirdre write an actual book?
I bet it's mostly pictures.
No. Words. It's all words.
- Huh? Wait, is that how you spell "Deirdre"?
English is weird.
♪
- My God, she always talked about writing a book,
and now, she's written a book? That's so random.
Val.
Look at this chapter. "Mimosas and Mind Games"?
We always used to have mimosas with her.
I think this book is about us.
- Stop. You're being paranoid. DEIRDRE: Let's dive right in.
"In college, I met two women,
and I became 'friendly' with them."
- Could be anyone. - "To preserve their privacy,
I will call them Sophia and Valerie."
- Okay, it's us. [Sophie whimpers]
♪
- Well, I will put your contact in as first name, "the,"
last name, "most beautiful girl in the world."
You know, I'm so happy I sprung for the 12-pack
from Baskets USA because looks like,
I'll be sending another one out tomorrow morning.
- Did you send your hookup a post-sex breakup gift basket?
Of course.
It's what Derek Jeter did in his prime.
Who knows how to do classy, casual sex in New York City
better than noted American sex Yankee Derek Jeter?
That is an old rumor.
Jeter himself said it's not true.
Jeter, you discreet devil.
He will take his basketing secrets to the grave.
- Okay, there are a couple things to hit in this video.
- So I made some bullet points. - What? No, babe.
You know why they're called "bullet points"?
They shoot spontaneity dead. [laughs]
- I think we should just wing it. - Uh, okay.
Hey, guys! I have a huge announcement.
- Guess who's joining me on tour? - It's me--
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
the inspiration behind Jay Street. [nervous laugh]
We are back together and so happy.
- That's right-- - I can't wait to see you all on tour
and share our love story with you.
Dates below, and we added a second night in Myrtle Beach.
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace! - We-- We love... cocks.
- Okay. I think that's pretty good. Should I post it?
- Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know, that kind of felt a little bit more like
a solo than a, than a duet to me, but...
- Really? Okay, we can do another one. It's funny.
Felt like you were talking a lot.
Hello, Courtney.
You're here.
Um...
Courtney, this is Sid. Sid, this is Courtney, my, um--
His hookup from last night.
Sorry for the ambush.
I usually play it cool,
but I thought, what the hell?
Charlie's putting himself out there by sending me this
"I like you" gift basket.
Might as well let him know I like him, too.
♪
[panting]
[laughing]
Wool suit. Wool suit!
♪
[sighs]
[laughing]
♪ You're a boss bitch, you produce witch ♪
[panting]
[breathless]: I can feel the sweat...
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
51.
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
[laughing]
[knob rattles]
Mother! [text chimes]
[panting]
[whimpers]
[groans] Think.
Think. [sighs]
There's gotta be a way outta here.
Oh ho! She's open! [laughs]
♪ I'm here to shine, shine, shine ♪
[thud]
[knob rattling]
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
Why does this room even exist?!
♪
"Every brunch was a masterclass
"in female-to-female cruelty.
"Yet, every time little blond Sophia
"and her fiery sidekick Valerie called,
I couldn't resist."
So, I'm a sidekick now?
- And she called you fiery, which is hella problematic.
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre. - Yeah, well,
she clearly hates us, too, and with good reason.
We were such passive-aggressive mean girls to her.
[reading continues]
Yeah, true.
Do you wanna stick around and apologize,
- do the right thing? - [scoffs] No! Let's get outta here.
[books clattering]
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it, but the real Valerie and Sophia are here.
This is so brave of you both.
Please, come join me!
Together, we can heal.
[clapping] Come on. Come on.
Let's support them. This isn't easy.
- I can't believe this is how we get canceled.
- I can't believe Deirdre chose that as her author photo.
[laughs] Stop it.
ALL: I'm sorry.
- Wait, w-why are you sorry?
Isn't it obvious?
I used you to make myself feel better.
Before I she-toxed,
I thought of you two as my pathetic friends.
♪
How's it going over there, sex Yankee?
- It's great, actually. I really misjudged Courtney.
I mean, she's lovely.
She's funny. She's really smart.
She's actually a genius.
At the Apple Store.
I'm really glad that she mistook my "thanks for the hookup" basket
for a "let's go on a real date" basket.
- Again, neither of those are reason to send a woman
salami and lotion.
You know, poor Hannah.
Clearly stuck in a basket-less marriage.
- So, we just cannot wait to be up on that stage
performing together for all of you.
Babe, do you wanna say a few words?
Yes, I do. Thank you.
Um, being apart from Meredith
was the most difficult time of my life.
And I'm just so glad that she asked me to get back together.
That's right. I took him back.
- Well, actually, I-I took her back.
Best decision I ever made.
...was being taken back by me
because I took him back. I'm the taker.
Well, actually, you were taken. By me.
[glass breaks]
Ow! Damn it!
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
[glass breaks]
No reason.
Dude, she's gonna ruin his life again.
I know it. And just like these wine glasses,
I'ma be left to pick up the pieces.
Is that why you broke the glasses?
For the metaphor?
Ooh, what a showman.
[glass breaks]
♪
Wait, you think we're the pathetic ones?
- Did you not read the book? You're what I called
my "could be worse-ies"
because whenever I was feeling bad about myself,
I would hang out with you and think it could--
- We get it! - Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
I know. I am not proud of it,
but there was a time in my life
where your many,
many struggles
were like my fuel.
I just bought a condo in Hoboken.
Huge with waterfront views.
You two still in that tiny walk-up in Queens?
BOTH: Mm-hmm.
I'm training for a Spartan race,
so I'm eating really clean and in bed by 9:00.
More bacon?
- Mm. Yeah. - Yeah.
I just got an advance on my memoir.
Oh!
You're making furniture now? Hm.
Oh, sweetie, you're thinking of armoire.
Oh...
That is not what happened at all.
- They're processing. It's perfectly healthy.
I am so sorry for exploiting your many struggles.
Mea culpa, Sophie. Mea culpa, Valentina.
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
You were the pathetic one.
Wait, what?
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
That was your name. See?
Wow! Okay.
Um, She-Toxers!
What we're seeing here is a textbook case
of toxic twisting.
[women agreeing] I think it is clear which of us up here
was "the P word." I mean,
you two could barely afford brunch,
and I bought a condo when I was 25!
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
Uh, doesn't count.
- [laughter] - Don't laugh at that!
At least I am not broke and day drunk.
We are not day drunk! Yet.
Yeah, and you know what?
We might not have some fancy book with no pictures in it, okay?
But we have each other.
Oh, good for you!
You two are so goddamn annoying!
[crowd gasps]
...is what pre-she-tox Deirdre would have said.
She's a fraud! She's still toxic!
- No! No, no, no, no, no. I have changed, I swear.
I just find these two very triggering.
- [scoffs] So now she's using the word "triggering"
to justify her bad behavior. We hate that!
[crowd booing]
Ooh... We are not canceled,
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
- You wanna go get day drunk? - Yeah.
[women chattering]
- Bye, D. - Eh!
- VALENTINA: Good to see you! - Uh-huh!
♪
[panting]
- [breathless singing]: ♪ When I crawl through the vent ♪
♪ It's like, ooh, there she went ♪
[panting]
[grate clanging]
Goddammit!
Oh, my God.
That's my meeting.
- Okay, first thing's first. Let's take attendance.
- Kyle? - Here.
Ellen.
Here.
Tomas?
Yeah!
[clang] [thud]
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
♪
- I-I don't understand. In what world did you take me back?
You came to me, told me you regretted breaking up with me,
and then asked me to go on tour with you.
Okay, yeah, sure. Those are the facts,
but, like, what were the vibes?
[groans] Okay, okay. Fine.
You took me back.
But,
this album, the tour,
even this video,
it isn't about what actually happened.
I mean, you gotta think about it like... this is a movie,
and I'm the main character.
- If you're the main character, then what does that make me? Like, an extra?
No.
Makes you the extremely handsome love interest.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right.
Let's just go with the first video.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay, thank you.
I'm gonna go send this to the team. [click]
- You okay? - Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
I was making too big of a deal about that video, right?
I mean, she should be the main character. She's-- It's her tour.
- Jesse. - Yeah.
- Dude, Meredith's always gonna be the main character.
She's always gonna put herself first.
And I-I tried to hold my tongue 'cause I know you're happy,
but, dude, at the end of the day,
I just think you deserve someone who actually loves you.
And Meredith doesn't.
Uh, got it. [slaps counter]
- So I'll, uh, I'll see you Saturday then.
I was thinking we could, uh, picnic.
Well, we already have the basket, so...
- You Charlie? - Uh, yes.
- Got your dozen "Gourmand Paradise" baskets from Baskets USA.
You got a good deal, dude.
Sign here.
What's going on?
It's a funny story, really. Um...
Are you familiar with New York Yankee Derek Jeter?
Oh, my God.
This is a "thanks for a one-night stand" basket?
Are all those other baskets for--
- Other women that I will meet and sleep with, yes.
- You can keep your low-rent, post-sex basket.
Next time, just ghost like a normal asshole.
- Low-rent?! Did you...
Did you not see the truffled almonds?
I slept with Jeter.
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
♪
[keys jingle]
- Hey. - Hey.
Just, uh, getting ahead of packing for tour.
- Really excited to see you at the, uh, Long Island show.
Charlie and I are thinking of renting a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
We're gonna write, like, "Jesse Express-e" on the windows.
Like, all aboard the Jesse Express-e! Woo-woo!
- Yeah, maybe, actually, it's better if you don't come.
- Woo-- What?
- Really? - Really.
When I'm standing on stage with the woman I love,
I kinda wanna look into the audience
and see the faces of people who actually support me.
Okay...
[clears throat]
Woo-woo.
♪