♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
♪ Everlasting Love by Love Affair ♪
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand... ♪
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: Mom? Mom? Mom! Mom!
Will you turn that thing off? I don't know how much longer
I can watch you sensually dance with a teddy bear!
Ooh, what's that, Teddy?
You think he should pay for his own college?
Oh, good idea.
You know, your dad got me one of these
on our very first Valentine's Day as a couple.
Even before he and I got together,
he had a soft spot for Valentine's Day.
I'm just saying, Valentine's Day is the worst.
Wait, you're grumpy about Valentine's Day?
What a total curveball!
Do you think it's a "Hallmark holiday"?
Yeah! I do. It's just an excuse for the greeting card and chocolate companies--
[booing] Alright! Alright.
Not exactly a hot take, man.
Yeah, next, you're gonna say that TikTok is shortening our attention span.
It is! Our generation can't even focus--
I don't care what you think, Love Grinch!
Hannah's en route to the city,
and we are gonna Valentine the crap out of each other all night long.
I love Valentine's Day, too. Every year,
I spend it with the hottest piece in the city.
This little smoke show right here.
Damn right, she does.
Valentine's Day is our day. We call it...
BOTH: Svalentine's Day!
Sorry, isn't that what we all call it, but with less spitting?
No! It's Svalentine's.
Like Sophie and Valentina's Valentine's Day.
Svalentine's.
Is it a fresher take if I hate Svalentine's Day?
I hate this stupid holiday.
- [thud] - Hey, bud. What the hell is this?
It's supposed to be Rachel's Valentine's Day gift.
Because nothing says "I love you"
like a romantic candlelight dinner
under a nude frozen likeness of the woman you love.
But Rachel's aunt broke her hip, so she went to Florida to help.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
I know! She's extremely caring!
Sorry. Sorry.
I was really excited for our first Valentine's Day together,
and now it's ruined.
Does it make you feel better to know that I've had
a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Valentine's Day before, too?
Aw, sweetie, no.
Why would hearing about your misfortune make me feel any better?
Aw. [laughs]
Just kidding. It totally would. Tell me, tell me, tell me!
[laughs]
Okay. I was 8 years old.
I was making cards for all the important people in my life.
My mom, my mom's boyfriend, Steve,
my favorite NSYNC member, Chris Kirkpatrick,
Ruthie and Teck from The Real World: Hawaii.
[scoffs] Stop right there.
A pre-puberty story doesn't count.
Heartbreak before your period isn't real.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'm gonna think of a different one.
Ooh! When I was 13.
Uh, no. You hang up first. I'm not hanging up first!
It's your turn to hang up first. You go first.
Next!
Okay, uh, I'll go. Alright. Um... [clears throat]
My worst St. Valentine's.
Uh, the year was 2012, and I was a besotted young lad
on a hunting trip in Norfolk with my family
and my girlfriend, Jacinda Astley.
♪ classical music playing ♪ We were staying at Houghton Hall,
the estate of my family's dear friends,
David and Rose, the Marquess and Marchioness of Cholmondeley.
There was a crisp breeze that afternoon,
so I went to close the window.
But the curtains, well, were fluttering so playfully in the draft
that in the end, I couldn't bear to end
their delightful curtain dance.
Oh, my God! We are telling Valentine's stories in a bar,
not doing set dec for soft-core porn.
Well, if you're such a masterful storyteller, please, regale us.
I would, but all my V-Days have been straight-up bangers.
Ooh, what about Brendan?
Who's Brendan? Did he suck?
- Ooh. Did he call women "females"? - Well,
it was freshman year of college. Sophie and I hadn't met yet,
and I thought I was gonna be the next Lady Gaga.
Brendan was a graphic design major I'd been dating for a couple of months.
Hi! I'm Valentina.
Sophie Tompkins.
Is today your favorite holiday because of your name?
That would be like if I was... Halloweena!
[awkward laugh]
Not sure exactly what you're on,
but you should have some water.
Great tip. Thanks. [nervous laugh]
Are you surprising your boyfriend with a Valentine's Day gift, too?
Yeah. [laughs]
It's pictures of my butt.
Like, you sat on a copy machine?
No...
Can I be honest with you?
You could do so much better than Todd.
Todd? Ew! He's legit the grossest man I've ever met.
♪ rock music playing ♪
Harsh.
Did you ladies come here just to insult me?
'Cause if you did...
you mind putting these on and let me turn my webcam on first?
Turns out, Todd was developing
a glam rock musical version of Charlotte's Web.
It was actually pretty good.
So, if you aren't here for Todd...
And you're not here for Todd...
SOPHIE: We kissed the same guy?! VALENTINA: We slept with the same guy?!
Brendan! Legend!
BOTH: Shut up, Todd!
♪
That lying sack of crap!
That smarmy little ass-clown!
Oh, that sleazy dick-nosed bastard!
Oh, that butthead!
Are you the Amish exchange student I heard about?
What? No. I could do better.
That jerk! Oh!
And his hair looks so dumb.
No. His hair looks cool.
He was bald by junior year. Hm.
Sometimes, God is good.
Brendan sucks, and we have got to break up with him.
Oh, we are going to do way more than break up with him.
We're gonna get revenge.
God, I find being around you exhilarating.
[giggles]
VALENTINA: So we grabbed our bats
and went to town on Brendan's bike.
♪ I dug my key into the side ♪
♪ Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel-drive ♪
♪ Carved my name into-- ♪
Hey! What are you guys doing?
You cheat on me,
your ride pays the price!
Yeah! Exactly what she said, but from my perspective!
Uh...
that's not my bike.
So, maybe we tanked our revenge plan,
but that's the night I met my BFFTLATN.
What?
Best friends for this life and the next.
We both believe in reincarnation.
Yes, we're coming back as treasured house cats.
- Same house? - Same estate.
- [Sophie meows] - Are you two serious?
How is a story of your adorable Valentine's Day meet-cute
supposed to make me feel any better?
SOPHIE: It's not. VALENTINA: Our bad.
I need something gut-wrenchingly pathetic.
Jesse?
Fine. [inhales]
[clears throat] I was 10 years old.
Hang on, Ellen said no pre-puberty stories.
Actually, Jesse went through puberty in third grade.
Whenever he took me to the playground, all the kids called him "sir."
Today's lunch is fish sticks, tater tots, fruit cup,
and your choice of regular or chocolate milk.
Okay, guys, I'll let you in on a little secret. One girl's advice?
You're gonna wanna go chocolate.
ADULT JESSE: Mariah Moore was the first girl I ever liked.
We'd never actually talked, but I knew all I needed to know.
She was super cute, she'd read all the Animorphs books,
and her parents had a trampoline. No net.
I love you, Mariah Moore.
I'm at work.
You told a girl you were in love with her way too soon?
Why does that sound so familiar?
Because he did it to Sophie.
He also did it in middle school.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Fine. There was one other time.
[playing French horn]
I love you, Olivia DeMarco.
Um, Jerry, is it?
And then in college.
[crowd booing, jeering]
[on megaphone]: These Wall Street fat cats
have stolen from America's working class!
CROWD: Yes!
But do you know who really belongs behind bars?
[crowd cheering] Clarissa Yang.
Because you stole my heart, Clarissa.
I love you!
[crowd booing, jeering] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
So you say "I love you" early on to, like, everyone.
Well, you'll be happy to know that all those people hated it
just as much as you did.
Cool. Noted.
Wait, are you actually upset about this?
No. I don't care.
- Great. - Great.
[Scottish accent]: Great.
[normal voice]: Sorry. When I get uncomfortable,
I get Scottish.
♪
Stop glaring at me!
Oh, you don't love that like you love every woman you lay eyes on?
Alright! Back to me then. Um...
I have processed your critiques,
and I am ready to tell my story succinctly.
So, we're at Houghton Hall, awaiting the arrival
of my beloved girlfriend, Jacinda Astley.
And, uh, I wanted things to be extra special
because, well, I'd always had a bit of a thing
for old St Valentine's.
And Jacinda Astley...
was a lady.
And though the Astleys were incredibly well-esteemed,
their family name had not gone unmarred by scandal.
Rumor has it, her great-aunt was sired not by Lord Phillip Astley,
but by a mere stable boy.
Of Wolverhampton!
- No! - Yes! And it gets even better--
Dude, I'm not no-ing you. Nobody's listening to you.
Mean. ALL: True.
They're diverting Hannah's flight to Houston
'cause someone said they were having a heart attack.
Like, dude, how hard is it to just ignore your body's signals
until it's too late like the rest of us?
So Hannah will get in tomorrow. Is that such a big deal?
Yes.
Spending Valentine's Day together is, like, super important to us.
'Cause of our worst one ever.
That sounds awful. Tell us everything.
Okay, so Hannah and I are still in med school,
and we just started dating, so we weren't exclusive yet.
Come on, man! Just have one drink with me at the McLarens' place downstairs.
Hey...
[suave voice]: We can mack on some sweet Valentine's Day honeys.
Sid, you're not a virgin. Why are you talking like one?
- Also, you have a girlfriend. - Hannah is not my girlfriend, okay?
I'm a playboy. I can't be tied down. [phone dings]
What the...
Look at this photo Hannah just posted. Why is she all up on this dude?
Whoa. Looks like she's out being a play girl, huh?
Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Dude, I am done playing games.
I gotta go tell Hannah she's the only one for me,
and you are coming, too!
[sighs] Alright, fine, I'll go with you,
but I'm not putting on real pants, okay?
Because Valentine's Day is a stupid-- [door shuts]
♪
Now, focus. If you
were a gorgeous young med student about to throw away the love of your life,
- where would you-- - It's a very small apartment, okay?
They're right there.
♪ house music plays ♪
Okay. Come on. Jesse, dance. Act like we're having fun.
What? Why? I thought we were here so you could tell Hannah
- how you feel about her. - Yeah, I was,
but I'm pissed she's having so much fun without me.
I want her to see that I have fun without her, too, you know?
By dancing with me?
Come on, Jesse! We didn't practice Dougie-ing for nothing, okay?
♪
[party chatter]
Ha! Ha!
- Jesse! Running man! Now! - Are we in a dance-off?
Oh, I am! I don't know what the hell you're doing!
What's up? What's up? Wh-- Ow! Cramp!
- [groaning] - Are you okay?
That is enough! Can you stop massaging him right now, please?
Hannah, I want to be your boyfriend. I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want this guy to just go away.
Ha! I knew it.
- Thanks for your help, Drew-shi. - Of course.
Drew-shi is a dish best served cold.
[Hannah giggles] SID: Wait, what?
Did you set me up?
- [laughs] Hell yeah, I did. - Look, Hannah knew if we made you jelly,
you'd make things official. That's why I brought out the big guns.
I can do that, too.
Am I doing it?
No...
Look, glad I could help cupid you guys.
The way she talks about you, I knew you got something special.
And people who love each other should be together on Valentine's Day.
That's why I'm gonna go hang out with my mom. Later.
I can't believe you tricked me. That's, like, supes immature.
Seriously? You're mad?
Yeah.
You've been acting for weeks like you don't want to be my boyfriend.
That's immature.
We proceeded to have the kind of awful, horrible, screaming, crying fight
that you only have in your 20s.
- I hate you. - I hate you, too!
♪ house music continues ♪
I love you... Sweatpants Girl.
Seriously?
That one doesn't count!
Have... you met molly?
I also said "I love you" to my cab driver,
a fat pigeon, a-and a trash can
I could "feel" had a soul.
Anyway, um, that night, neither of us slept,
and when the sun came up,
we both realized why. Um...
the only thing we really wanted was each other.
Hi.
- Hi. - I, uh,
I made you this.
You arranged a bunch of bagels in the shape of balls?
Huh? No. Oh!
It's supposed to be a heart.
Made of everything bagels 'cause...
'cause you're my everything.
And you used cream cheese for the glue!
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't spent Valentine's Day apart since.
Until now. ALL: Aw...
Oh, Jesse, those two old ladies are leaving.
Don't forget to tell 'em both you love 'em.
I really don't get it. How are you actually pissed about this?
I'm not pissed. I'm... irked.
You guys get why, right?
ALL: No. No. Not really.
Oh, my God. Fine.
When you told me you loved me on our first date,
yes, that freaked me out.
But it also made me feel... special.
And then hearing that you've said those same words
to roughly one in four American women,
that makes me feel...
Less special? [sighs]
This was way too intimate to say in front of everyone.
[Scottish accent]: I'm gonna get a very strong drink.
[normal voice]: Oh! Why am I doing it?
♪
S-so, Ellen? We were thinking--
No, you can't use Ice Rachel as a vodka luge.
Surprise!
VALENTINA: Oh! SID: Oh, my God!
You're here! HANNAH: I am!
Oh, I pulled a full "mom from Home Alone"
and cried my way onto a new flight.
My favorite girl referencing my favorite movie
on my favorite day of the year?
[happy groan] I love this holiday!
I have an announcement! Hello, Hannah. Welcome back.
I have taken your collective feedback
and distilled my story into four sentences.
My girlfriend was coming to visit me in the country for Valentine's Day.
I decided to surprise her by wearing nothing but whipped cream.
♪ romantic music ♪
Are the cherries too much?
No. You look scrumptious, sir.
I lay there all night waiting,
and she stood me up.
I wound up with a broken heart...
and a yeast infection.
Which I didn't even know men could get.
That's a pretty good story! [all agreeing]
I got a double cheese pizza from Little Caesar's
for... Ellen Gilbert.
[FaceTime ringing]
[on phone]: Happy Valentine's Day, baby.
I figure if we ate the same thing together on FaceTime,
it'd almost be like we were together.
This is perfect.
I should have known you would make today amazing.
ALL: Aw...
This is a private moment between me and my girlfriend!
Just kidding.
We're cute as hell, and I accept your aw's.
Hey. Look.
Yes, when I was younger, I threw out
a lot of "I love you's" with reckless abandon.
Okay? But then, I stopped. For many years.
- You did? - I did.
And, you know, after Meredith left me,
I-I thought I'd never say it again, and... [clears throat]
then I met you.
Got it.
Thank you for... clearing that up for me.
I feel less irked.
Good.
Okay, so finish your story.
Wh-what happened to you on Valentine's Day in third grade?
There was a father-daughter dance at school,
and I put fliers with my picture up all over town
in hopes that my dad would see it and come and surprise me.
Did your dad live in your town?
No idea. My mom only told me
that they slept together one time at the first Lollapalooza.
- Wow. - Yeah. She actually said "did the nasty,"
but I was trying to spare you.
Thank you. Okay, so-so-so what happened?
I stood in the middle of the dance floor,
hoping my long-lost father would walk through the door and surprise me.
And after a while, a guy I'd never seen before showed up.
- Someone else's dad. - I wish.
Just a neighborhood pervert.
- Oh. - Security tackled him pretty fast.
But, in retrospect,
putting up pictures of a little girl with the caption
"Daddy, come dance with me," was not a good idea.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
The police said I saved a lot of lives in the end.
- Huh... - What?
Well, it's just you have
a real reason to hate this day.
But you just throw on a smile and spend it with Val
and have a ridiculously good attitude about it.
H-how do you do that?
What is my other option? To act like you?
I-I'm serious. [laughs]
Chocolate helps.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
[unwrapping chocolate]
- Okay. - Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe Valentine's Day is not that bad.
You see, son, love just feels good.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
Just ask your dad.
And people who love each other should be together on Valentine's Day.
I'd always had a bit of a thing for old Saint Valentine's.
Oh, my God, I love this holiday.
You know, maybe Valentine's Day is not that bad.
I freaking love Valentine's Day.
SOPHIE'S SON: He wasn't even in this story.
Wait, did I miss something?
Different Valentine's Day.
We'll get there.
♪
I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
- Right, Rupert? - Of course, she will, sir.
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand with my everlasting love ♪
♪ Need you by my side ♪
♪ Girl to be my bride ♪
♪ You'll never be denied everlasting love ♪
♪ From the very start ♪
♪ Open up your heart ♪
♪ Feel that you're part of everlasting love ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪