1
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♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
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♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
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Son, it's never too late
in life to learn a new skill.
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SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Says the woman who still can't whistle.
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I can whistle!
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[blowing]
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SOPHIE'S SON:
Please continue the story!
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With pleasure.
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[loud sigh] Hey, guys.
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Sweetie, you're drenched in sweat!
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Were you chasing down Mr. Softee again?
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Oh. No.
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Photo gig at
a kid's birthday in Yonkers.
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I had to take four trains,
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two cabs, and one very creepy Uber.
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Look at you.
Big round eyes like a sexy owl.
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No!
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Why don't you just learn to drive?
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Sophie and I got
our learner's permits in college,
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but then we realized
driving is the worst!
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You have to be sober,
you can't lie down,
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and you have
to wear this ugly belt.
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SOPHIE:
Mm!
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Don't even get me started on left turns.
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What is this world where you
just pull into the intersection
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and trust a stranger
is not going to kill you?
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What's next? Anyone could just
go into a store and purchase a gun?
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Is no one gonna tell her?
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How are two adults not able to drive?
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Pretty cocky for a guy
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who can't even shave his own face.
[shushing]
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You swore you wouldn't tell a soul!
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It's time people knew.
I'm sick of our arrangement!
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♪ soft jazz playing ♪
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I grew up with a live-in barber.
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I was raised to believe
that shaving your own face
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is only something men from Essex did.
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Plus, it's scary.
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You're a New Yorker now.
You gotta toughen up, kid!
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Oh, says the woman who's too scared
to confront her coworker?
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I told you about Rhonda in confidence!
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Who's Rhonda?
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♪
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R-Rhonda?
46
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Oh, my bad.
47
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Here's a breast.
48
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She keeps her dipping sauces
on our printer.
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So, just talk to her.
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I can't. I'm extremely conflict-averse,
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and she's terrifying.
She eats the bones.
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[scoffs]
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At least I'm not a bar owner
who can't chug a beer.
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That's right. He sips like a simp!
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Okay, fine. I don't chug.
I prefer taking baby sips
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'cause beer is a little tickly.
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Hey, my creepy gym teacher
was a little tickly, okay?
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Beer is delicious.
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Guys, I just had a brilliant idea.
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Oh, thank God because I thought
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we were gonna have to unpack
his creepy gym teacher thing.
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Back in college,
Jesse and I came up with
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th-this incredible motivational technique.
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- Hell yeah.
- Right?
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- So some people respond to rewards.
- Hm...
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Others respond to
the fear of punishment.
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That's right.
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So we combined the two
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- to create rewardishments.
- Hm...
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Say we needed to get some laundry done.
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JESSE:
We'd give ourselves a deadline,
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and if we made it,
we'd reward ourselves with, say,
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a nice steak dinner.
♪ soft music ♪
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But, if we didn't,
we'd punish ourselves.
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[sighs]
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BOTH:
Three, two, one.
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[zapping]
[both screaming]
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Hot tip.
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Always pee before you tase.
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I say we give ourselves 48 hours
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to accomplish our goals.
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If one of us fails, we all get punished.
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But if we all succeed,
we get a sweet, sweet reward.
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Ooh! Reward pitch.
Have a group sleepover
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and put all of our beds together
to create
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one giant bed.
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- Like a mega bed?
- You bet your ass!
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- [excited squeal]
- Alright, alright. We've got a reward.
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Now, the punishment.
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I got it!
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The nastiest thing...
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[dripping]
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in this bar...
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is the drink mat.
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Full of, uh-huh,
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what we in the industry
call "the drippings."
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All the spillage from all those drinks.
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So, I'm saying if, 48 hours from now,
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one of us fails to accomplish our goal,
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we each take a shot at the drippings.
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[retching]
SOPHIE: No!
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Okay, we're doing this!
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Shave, chug, drive, drive,
confront Rhonda.
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Let's go, team!
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Wait, Jesse!
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- Yeah?
- What is your thing?
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My thing? Oh, well, I-I'm terrible
at remembering people's goals,
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but, hey! I just did it,
so that's one down, five to go.
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Good luck, you guys!
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[all booing]
[sighs]
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Alright, fine.
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There is...
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one thing I've never
been able to accomplish.
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♪ Sandstorm by Darude playing ♪
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Back in my competitive hooping days,
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there was one trick I could never master.
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The "vertical lasso catch and release."
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[all groan]
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It, uh...
[video stops]
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[emotional]: kept me from going
to nationals in Orlando.
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Okay. You heard the man.
This is his... creepy goal.
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Okay. Everybody has their thing.
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Rewardishment timer starts... now.
[beep]
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♪
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Hey, look at you, J-Dog!
You're doing your trick.
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No, I'm not.
This is just regular hooping.
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Jesse, we're just trying
to be supportive.
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Nobody gets what you're trying to do.
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I already told you!
A vertical lasso catch and release.
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The hoop is supposed to dance up
my body, like a playful snake,
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and then launch into the air,
and then I catch it on my leg.
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What about this don't you understand?
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Why you want to do it,
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how it fits in with the rest
of your personality,
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and why you ran out to buy
new underwear just for this?
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They're not just underwear, okay?
Those are regulation satin hula boxers.
137
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Do you want me to get "hoop hip"?
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No, dude, we want you to do your trick,
so we can move on to our stuff.
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♪ energetic music on radio ♪
140
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Was that the catch or the release?
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♪
142
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[puts down glass]
[gags]
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You barely consumed a single drop.
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There might be more beer
in the glass now.
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This is supposed to be a safe space.
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♪
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There's really nothing to it.
SID: Mm-hmm.
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Slow and steady. With the grain.
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Okay. Alright. Here goes nothing.
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Okay.
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- Whoa, whoa. Get the--
- Oh, my God.
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- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sid!
- Okay! Okay!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know, hey, m-maybe you're not ready.
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♪
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Rhonda, enough is enough.
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This is a shared workspace,
and I need you to respect that.
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Perfect.
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Firm, clear, fair. The Ellen way.
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- What's the Ellen way?
- Oh, my God...
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Nothing. I-I'm sorry.
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Rhonda, we need to talk.
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Me first.
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I got us an office snake.
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Don't mind the smell.
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Reptile musk is a defense mechanism,
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and my girl is very on edge.
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♪
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Jesse, I choked.
169
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I need you to teach me
how to express my anger.
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What makes you think I know
how to express my anger?
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Damn it, you fickle disgrace of a toy!
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You're nothing compared to a jump rope!
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You piece of-- Yeah, no, I-I can help you.
I think it's...
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♪
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[bell ringing]
176
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Oh, my God. $500 for driving school?
177
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:31,910
That's like a hundred $5 footlongs!
178
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,455
Wow. I just did that in my head.
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Damn. You're like a Goodwill Hunter.
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Doesn't matter.
We have to learn how to drive
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because we don't wanna
drink the drippings.
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Hm...
183
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Hi, Sophie and Valentina?
184
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My name is Phyllis.
185
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:52,472
I've taught 4,000 people how to drive,
186
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including the two Gyllenhaal siblings.
187
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:59,396
I just need you to pass a little eye exam.
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00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,064
Uh-huh.
189
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,650
- [quietly]: Whisper the answers to me.
- [quietly]: What? Why?
190
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,861
I can't see for shit, okay?
Just help me.
191
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,574
- G.
- C!
192
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,534
G. What are you, deaf, too?
193
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,827
G.
194
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,038
E.
195
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,581
C.
196
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,708
No. E.
197
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:22,961
Clearly you're cheating.
198
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:25,422
Sophie, I'll go get
your enrollment paperwork.
199
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,509
Valentina, get your eyes checked.
200
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:32,054
Wait. You can't see?
201
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,430
It's not that bad!
202
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:36,433
I can see things up close,
just not far away.
203
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,852
Okay, so why don't you wear glasses?
204
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,938
Ew, what am I, a liberal arts professor?
205
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,774
[sighs] Okay, contacts.
206
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,775
[groans]
207
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,278
[childish]:
I'm scared of touching my eyes.
208
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,363
♪
209
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,281
[normal]:
I wanna change my goal.
210
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,325
I need to learn how to put in contacts.
211
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,079
I'll allow it.
212
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,582
What is happening here?
213
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:05,254
Well, I decided to practice on a zone
where no one would see it if I cut myself.
214
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,257
Absolutely shredded my taint, so...
215
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,386
onto the legs.
Right. Okay...
216
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,429
[sighs]
SOPHIE: Okay.
217
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,017
Oh, my God.
[squeals]
218
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,477
Oh, my God, I'm doing it. Look!
219
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:21,812
I'm shaving!
SOPHIE: You are!
220
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,814
I'm like a regular Michael Phelps!
221
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,524
Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
[screams]
222
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,568
- Oh shit! Are you okay?
- There's a lot of blood!
223
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,987
Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it!
[all yelling]
224
00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,573
It's fine. It's fine.
Honestly, it's just a little nick.
225
00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:35,742
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die!
Oh! Oh, my God!
226
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,537
Sophie, if I die, you can have
my garden gnome collection,
227
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:41,832
but find them a nice place
in the sun, would you-- Oh, my God...
228
00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:43,292
Hey!
SID: Okay. Okay, that's enough!
229
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,169
That's enough!
I'm taking you to the hospital, okay!?
230
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,296
- Oh! My-- [retches]
- Put--
231
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:49,590
Just keep pressure on it!
You're really bleeding, dude!
232
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,757
Jesus Christ...
233
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,092
[Charlie yelling]
234
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,719
CHARLIE:
Oh! Careful with my taint! Ah!
235
00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:02,811
S-so I told the kidnapper
that you can carve me up all you want.
236
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,314
Just, just let the girl go.
237
00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:07,357
I know you cut yourself shaving.
238
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,485
Hey. You're a nurse.
239
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:11,612
What gave it away?
240
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,449
Well, I'm pretty sure I have
this medical condition
241
00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:18,202
that prevents me from chugging beer.
Do you know what it's called?
242
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,829
I saw two patients die this morning.
243
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,332
From what I have?
244
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,922
Dude, this sucks! We're gonna
have to drink all the drippings,
245
00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:31,173
and it's gonna be my fault.
246
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,342
No, it won't. It'll be mine.
247
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:36,053
I mean, I'm way too scared
to try shaving myself again.
248
00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:39,223
If only there was another way
I could practice.
249
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:42,142
NURSE: Someone will be right in
to shave you for surgery, Mr. Smithyman.
250
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,397
♪
251
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,566
Okay. I'll be Rhonda,
and you just be you.
252
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,610
And just tell me how you feel
about me, alright? Let 'er rip.
253
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,487
Okay. It's about to rip.
254
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,905
Here we go.
255
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,698
[high-pitched]:
Hey, Ellen. It's me, Rhonda.
256
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,909
I'm a big old jerk who likes chicken,
257
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:01,161
but not jerk chicken.
Just chicken-chicken!
258
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,287
I can't rip to this.
259
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,291
Y-you sound like Julia Child.
260
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,001
Also, the vibe in here
is nothing like my office.
261
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,044
Okay, just focus, alright?
262
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,713
W-we're not in my apartment.
We're in your office.
263
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,299
[oven dings]
My pizza bagel's ready.
264
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,593
[high-pitched]:
I mean, my chicken bagel's ready.
265
00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:21,223
[whistling]
266
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,392
Good day!
267
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,726
Ready for your shave?
268
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,228
Ready as I'll ever be.
269
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,605
[nervous laugh]
Oh, yeah. I feel you there.
270
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,649
Right.
271
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,609
[exhales]
272
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,697
Hey...
273
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,448
Hey, look at this. I'm doing it.
274
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,659
- What?
- What?
275
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,537
♪
276
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,080
Cross me off the list.
277
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,124
I am a shaver!
278
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:50,335
A celebratory drink
to celebrate my smooth face,
279
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,546
and Mr. Smithyman's
successful triple bypass.
280
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,090
Am I touching my eye?
281
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,884
No.
[Valentina whining]
282
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,928
Someone come help
push the back of my neck!
283
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,432
To my success,
284
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,894
and to being one step closer to mega-bed.
285
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,689
Ah!
286
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:12,983
Spicy! Spicy?
287
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,651
Why is champagne spicy?
288
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,196
[singing quietly]:
♪ Squeezing peppers is such fun ♪
289
00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,698
♪ Squeezing peppers to burn Sid's tongue ♪
290
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,701
- Ooh. Oh man!
- Look at that. We haven't got any water.
291
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,912
We've only got this pint of beer.
292
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,081
Mm... Mm...
293
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,421
Ah...
294
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,176
I did it.
295
00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:40,677
I just chugged a beer!
296
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:44,723
And I'm keeping it down!
Okay, thank you, Charlie!
297
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:46,975
I always knew there was
a chugger inside of you,
298
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,644
just waiting to chug.
299
00:12:49,228 --> 00:12:50,771
Hey, look at that! I did me.
300
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,190
I did Sid. Valentina...
301
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,610
Why don't I put the contact in your eye
to show you that it's no big deal?
302
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,487
Hit me.
303
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:05,327
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My eye is burning!
What the hell is happening?
304
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:08,413
[nervous laugh] Probably had a bit
of residual pepper juice on my fingers--
305
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,249
I need to go to a hospital!
306
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,583
SID:
Okay! Hospital!
307
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,627
- Ow! Ow!
- This way. This way.
308
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,630
- CHARLIE: There we go!
- Here we go! Here we go!
309
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,631
♪
310
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,217
You're doing great, sweetheart.
311
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,094
Thank you!
312
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:25,055
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little distracted
by the students in the back.
313
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,642
[sighs] Okay, make a left here.
314
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,603
Actually, can we do left turns last?
315
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,772
I'm more of a "three rights" kind of gal.
316
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:37,234
Hey! This is driving school, not...
317
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:40,320
"bump and grind" academy!
Now, quit it!
318
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:42,781
[sighs, gasps]
319
00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:44,992
[gasping]
320
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,160
I think I'm having a heart attack!
321
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,163
Can a single woman
have a widow-maker?
322
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,417
Oh, my God! Oh God!
Okay. Oh, my God.
323
00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:55,711
You're gonna be okay. You're...
324
00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:58,172
Oh, snap. She's, like, dying.
325
00:13:58,172 --> 00:13:59,798
[panting]
326
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,050
Th-there's a hospital right up here.
327
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,594
Y-you should make a left.
328
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,387
D-do we have time for three rights?
329
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,056
Left!
[screaming]
330
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:11,977
Make a left! Make a left!
[whimpering, screaming]
331
00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,396
Okay, we're here.
Let's Rhonda you up.
332
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:15,480
What does that mean?
333
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,066
Put on her blazer,
334
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,568
and, uh-- Ooh!
335
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,777
Okay.
336
00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:23,572
- [humming]
- Pretty weird.
337
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:24,823
ELLEN:
Mm...
338
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:25,741
Bingo.
339
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:26,825
[high-pitched]:
Ellen!
340
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,785
A little lower, like... Ellen.
341
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:32,122
- [lower]: Ellen.
- That's too low. Ellen.
342
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,498
- Ellen?
- That's perfect!
343
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,375
Ah!
344
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:37,669
What are you doing here?
345
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:40,547
I came to feed my snake.
Why is that man wearing my clothes?
346
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,008
Where's Sonna Plane?
347
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,511
- She's out of her terrarium!
- We don't know!
348
00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:46,762
Wait, is there a snake on the loose?
349
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:48,972
Why did you name your snake Sonna Plane?
350
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,557
Oh. [laughs]
351
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,476
I see what you did there, Rhonda.
It's-- Ah!
352
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:54,853
♪
353
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,481
Oh! M-my brother got bit by a snake!
354
00:14:57,481 --> 00:14:59,358
I also have a mole
I'd like to have checked.
355
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,069
- Okay.
- Guys, what are you doing here?
356
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,863
Wait, Sophie? Why are you here?
357
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,574
My driving instructor
had a heart attack!
358
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,494
Um, your friend choked
and couldn't make a left turn,
359
00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:13,497
- so I had to drive her to the hospital.
- It was so hot.
360
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,292
Hickey for the hero?
[giggles]
361
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,295
You really need to grow up.
362
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:24,299
♪
363
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,137
♪
364
00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:32,140
We're gonna have to wash your eye
in a variety of liquids.
365
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,351
You're gonna need
three washes, six drops,
366
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,144
cold gel, warm gel,
367
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,896
then back to two more washes,
368
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:40,649
probably another gel,
369
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,860
we're gonna go for about
four more drops, and then...
370
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:45,028
♪
371
00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:48,574
Contacts have made contact.
372
00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:50,242
Hoo, after what my eyes
have been through today,
373
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,618
there's nothing they can't handle.
374
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,913
That's what you guys look like?
375
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,666
Wow. Most of you look pretty good.
376
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,668
Cross my name off, too!
377
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,795
- Wait, you told off Rhonda?
- Oh, yeah.
378
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,547
Somebody suck the poison out!
379
00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,466
There's no poison.
I had her poison bags removed.
380
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,177
Your father's being a real sissy.
381
00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:10,304
Did she say "father"?
382
00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:12,014
You know what, Rhonda? Enough.
383
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:15,684
You can crowd my workspace
and stink up this office with chicken,
384
00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,686
but you do not mess with Jesse.
385
00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,396
Jesse, I'm doing it!
I'm telling her off!
386
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,565
So proud of you.
Can we please go to the hospital now?
387
00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:22,566
ELLEN:
Oh!
388
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,320
And then, I was like,
"Take that, bitch!"
389
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,114
But, I-I kept that inside
390
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,408
because I would never say bitch.
391
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:35,037
Well, only a few hours before midnight,
392
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,830
and we still have two people on the board.
393
00:16:37,456 --> 00:16:40,250
- You want me to teach you how to drive?
- Fine.
394
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,836
But you have to let me
teach you how to hula hoop.
395
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:46,131
- You spin?
- No, of course not.
396
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,383
♪
397
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,761
[gentle voice]:
Okay, now that the car's in drive,
398
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:53,222
you're going to slowly
lift your foot off the brake
399
00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:56,600
and very gently apply
that same foot to the gas pedal.
400
00:16:57,476 --> 00:17:00,646
Very good. Well done.
401
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:04,858
I've never heard you speak
in this weird, gentle voice before.
402
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:06,652
Oh yeah, it's my
elementary school teacher voice.
403
00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:08,612
It's how I talk to keep the kids
from peeing themselves
404
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:10,447
when I take their smartphones away.
405
00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,535
There is absolutely no pressure, okay?
But,
406
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,954
- we've got a left-hand turn coming up.
- Oh...
407
00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,915
So, we're just going to turn
on your blinker
408
00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,959
- and get into the left lane...
- [sighs] Okay.
409
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,837
- [whining]
- ...out into the intersection.
410
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:27,005
[yelling whine]
Coast is clear...
411
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:29,216
[blinker clicking]
412
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,093
Ah! I'm doing it!
413
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,970
- I'm turning left!
- Mm-hmm.
414
00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,848
[laughing] Check this out!
415
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:38,016
- And another left!
- Mm-hmm.
416
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:40,519
[laughs] And another left!
417
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,356
Ha! [gasps]
I'm a professional driver.
418
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,233
One-way street!
[screaming]
419
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,527
[cars honking]
[gasping]
420
00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:51,154
Ho...
[Jesse panting]
421
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,198
[sighs]
422
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,408
Why don't we celebrate, huh?
423
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:57,452
I just learned how to drive.
I don't think I should be boozing.
424
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,330
But if you wanna be
the designated driver...
425
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:03,834
Well, that's sparkling cider,
but I appreciate how responsible you are.
426
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,836
Ah. Aw...
427
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,046
♪
428
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:09,798
We're almost out of time.
429
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,717
You gonna practice
your hoop trick or what?
430
00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:13,886
Mm. Yeah,
I'm not gonna be able to do it.
431
00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,305
- You don't know that.
- Yeah, I do.
432
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:17,973
It-it's a mental thing.
433
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,517
I mean, the truth is, I actually could do
the vertical lasso for a while,
434
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,894
and then I just lost it.
435
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:24,897
Remember that video I showed you,
the moment where I dropped the hoop?
436
00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:27,858
That's 'cause I just realized
that my mom hadn't shown up.
437
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,986
She was supposed to fly in from Iowa,
and she flaked, and I don't know.
438
00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:33,780
There's something about
not having a single family member
439
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,782
in the audience to support me, you know?
440
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,161
- Oh.
- Yeah.
441
00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:42,164
Oy...
442
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:44,625
So, what...
443
00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:48,587
What does a perfect vertical lasso
catch and release...
444
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,631
- Yeah.
- ...[laughs] even look like?
445
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:52,132
It truly does not matter.
446
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,134
Come on. Show me.
447
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,679
Okay. Okay. Here.
448
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,682
Alright, well...
449
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,559
[clears throat] here's a video
450
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:05,062
of my favorite hooper doing it.
451
00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:08,148
Shut up.
She was a legend, alright?
452
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,067
I used to have her posters
all over my room as a kid.
453
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,944
- Oh, I bet you did.
- Mm-hmm.
454
00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:13,362
[giggles]
455
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,156
Oh, my God. [gasps]
456
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,867
She's pure magic.
457
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,539
I love that you're so into this.
458
00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:24,540
[laughs]
459
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:28,919
[phone dings]
460
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,839
Ooh, look at that. You...
461
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:34,424
- matched with Dana.
- [laughs] Uh, yeah.
462
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:35,926
I'm sorry. That wasn't, uh...
463
00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:37,636
Oh. No. Why are you sorry?
464
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:41,014
I don't know.
Um, I'm not, I guess?
465
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,725
I didn't know that you
were back on the apps.
466
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,769
Yeah. I was--
I mean, it's all very new, you know?
467
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,604
I just figured it's been
a while since Meredith, so...
468
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,856
Oh, totally.
469
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:51,066
I think it's great.
470
00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:53,193
Cool. Thanks.
471
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:56,071
- We should get back.
- Yeah.
472
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:57,322
Oh!
473
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,324
I know that I can drive now,
474
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:01,827
but I will not be your personal chauffeur.
475
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:04,204
Ho ho! Excuse me. Okay.
476
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,330
She can drive!
477
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,624
Cross her name off the list!
[all cheering]
478
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,877
And my vertical lasso catch and release...
479
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:11,753
isn't gonna happen.
480
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,131
Why would you say it like that?
481
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:17,009
Sorry, guys. I'll do the honors
of lining up the drippings.
482
00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:19,511
Seriously?
You're not even gonna try?
483
00:20:20,304 --> 00:20:22,556
You said you couldn't do it
without family...
484
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,268
Is there more to that?
485
00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:30,606
I was gonna say that we're your family,
but then that felt so corny, so I bailed.
486
00:20:30,606 --> 00:20:32,441
But we're almost out of time,
so just try it!
487
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,236
Screw it. Charlie!
Assemble my collapsible hoop!
488
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,238
- [Sophie clapping]
- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
489
00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:43,785
Sis! Put on Darude's
1999 EDM hit Sandstorm.
490
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,412
Just look it up.
491
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,999
[song starts playing]
SID: Oh!
492
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:51,168
[encouraging chatter]
Uh-oh!
493
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,003
Yeah, get it, baby!
494
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:57,883
- Oh!
- Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! Yeah!
495
00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,637
Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!
496
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:05,182
[cheering]
497
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:06,975
[slow motion whooshing]
498
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:10,479
♪ inspirational synth music ♪
499
00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:15,526
[slow motion whooshing]
500
00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,402
[slow motion screaming]
501
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:19,696
[screaming]
[all cheering]
502
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,323
♪ Sandstorm continues ♪
503
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:22,783
Yes! Yes!
504
00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:24,159
Yeah!
505
00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:25,911
- [all cheering]
- Guys...
506
00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:29,831
It's 10 minutes past the deadline.
We didn't make the cut.
507
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,083
- [hoop drops]
- What?
508
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,669
No, it's good enough! We...
509
00:21:33,669 --> 00:21:35,796
We were so close.
It's good enough!
510
00:21:35,796 --> 00:21:36,797
No!
511
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,341
Them's the rules.
512
00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:42,886
We've gotta drink the drippings.
513
00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,012
♪
514
00:21:44,012 --> 00:21:48,016
[all groaning]
515
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,142
[retching]
516
00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:52,896
♪ How Dare You Want More
by Bleachers playing ♪
517
00:21:52,896 --> 00:21:54,147
[shudders]
518
00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,775
And that's how I learned to drive.
519
00:21:56,775 --> 00:22:00,195
And how we all got bacterial meningitis.
520
00:22:00,988 --> 00:22:02,406
♪ How dare you want more ♪
521
00:22:03,824 --> 00:22:05,450
♪ How dare you want more ♪
522
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,453
♪ Preacher preacher's
calling from the floor ♪
523
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:16,712
♪ Man of secrets,
two lives that he's been living ♪
524
00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,298
♪ Stolen identity, stolen dreaming ♪
525
00:22:19,298 --> 00:22:22,384
♪ Who is he if he just go
and tell it like it is? ♪
526
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:25,429
♪ I'll bet he's dying to know,
but how dare you want more ♪
527
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:28,265
♪ How dare you want more ♪
528
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:31,935
♪ Preacher preacher
calling from the floor ♪
529
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:36,565
♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey... ♪