1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,963
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,926
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,346
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:19,144
Okay. Which one of these says
"sexy weekend away
5
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:22,606
with my sexy boyfriend
at his sexy country house?" Left or right?
6
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,566
Girl, just be naked.
7
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,277
God, you're cool.
8
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:28,695
[sighs]
9
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,322
I'm so excited.
10
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:34,159
I finally found
an amazing, uncomplicated guy?
11
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,912
Everything about
this relationship is normal.
12
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,330
I was wrong.
13
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,415
So, what's the latest with Swish?
14
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,918
You still engaged to your child groom?
15
00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:44,878
[scoffs] Currently, yes,
16
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,382
but I give it 24 hours before
he gets cold feet and calls it off.
17
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,925
She was wrong.
18
00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,760
He's probably in his dorm right now
19
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,971
figuring out how to let me down gently.
20
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,557
I need you to send me
Grandma's engagement ring.
21
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,309
Very, very wrong.
22
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,519
♪
23
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:01,687
Wonderful news!
24
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,355
It's Lost and Found Day.
25
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,440
Really? The box is full already?
26
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,025
Yes. Lost and Found Day rules!
27
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,902
Last time, I got a Sheryl Crow cassette,
28
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,863
a packet of Fun Dip, and a muzzle.
29
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,823
Rachel and I had a wild night.
30
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,032
Ooh! Shotgun first pick!
31
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,868
Uh, no. The order is going to be decided
32
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,954
by our brand new...
33
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,623
order hopper!
34
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,502
The first pick is...
[rattling]
35
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:26,753
Mm...
36
00:01:27,671 --> 00:01:28,964
- Jesse.
- Woo!
37
00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:31,800
How did that happen?
I rigged this thing with 16 Charlie balls.
38
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,343
ELLEN:
Alright...
39
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,598
Mm... Ah!
40
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,517
[impressed oohs]
Whoa! This is awesome!
41
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,644
"To my darling grandson."
42
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,981
Ha, ha! Not anymore!
Suck it, grandson.
43
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,234
- [rattling]
- The next pick is...
44
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,485
Mm...
45
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,198
Valentina. What have I done here?
VALENTINA: Yes!
46
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:59,036
Snip and Save:
A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.
47
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,955
Wow. That is so sad.
48
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,165
Wait, actually, that's mine.
49
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,752
I've been doing whatever
I can to cut back. [laughs]
50
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,462
Get it? Cut back? Huh?
51
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,214
Sweetie, we get it.
52
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,299
- Do you need to borrow money?
- [scoffs] Whatever. Hand it over.
53
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,594
No way! Per the Lost and Found Day
rules, it's mine now.
54
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:18,180
Please. I need it back.
Here, I-I'll trade you the watch.
55
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,224
Why would you trade
a nice watch for a book
56
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,892
that should be a YouTube video?
57
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,646
Hm. There must be something
special about this book.
58
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,357
Yeah! There is. Th-The author's...
59
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,693
extremely nuanced approach to... layering.
60
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,655
Yeah, you're being weird.
You can't have it!
61
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,822
Damn it, Valentina!
62
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,742
Fine. I'd like to challenge you
for the book.
63
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,245
Ooh! We haven't had a challenge
64
00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,956
since that infamous dance-off
for that police badge.
65
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:47,668
I wormed my way onto a lot
of crime scenes that night.
66
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,710
Ding, ding! [laughs]
67
00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,712
♪
68
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:53,173
[seatbelts click]
[indistinct PA announcement]
69
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,300
ATTENDANT [PA]: Our flight to Los Angeles
is ready for departure.
70
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,593
Hey, yo, can I lay on that?
71
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,263
- [music playing on headphones]
- Oh. Um, sure.
72
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,019
- Excuse me?
- Oh, yeah, no selfies.
73
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,437
I'm just trying to live my life over here.
74
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:10,065
Oh, I wasn't trying to...
What, are you famous?
75
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:13,443
- [music playing on headphones]
- Bro. I'm Li'l Toasty. The rapper.
76
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,822
Dude, of course, you are. I was just...
77
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,323
I'm sorry.
I was just trying to play it cool.
78
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,577
You mind switching seats with me?
79
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:24,538
I mean, a rapper of your caliber
should not be sitting in the middle seat.
80
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,290
Blessings.
81
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,333
Slide under.
82
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,170
SID:
And I'm getting a lap dance.
83
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,673
ATTENDANT [PA]: Can I have your attention?
We'd like to point out...
84
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:37,301
Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
[laughs]
85
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,303
No problem.
86
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:41,388
[sighs]
Did you know who he is?
87
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,974
Sadly, I do.
88
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:46,393
My nephew's on a bad path.
89
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,353
[laughs]
[seatbelt clicks]
90
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:49,938
What's in LA?
91
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,149
- Uh, my wife lives there. You?
- Hm.
92
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,775
Uh, my boyfriend lives there.
93
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:57,404
Long distance, am I right?
94
00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,948
- You are.
- Hm...
95
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,534
[announcement continues]
96
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,580
[both blowing]
97
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:08,874
[giggles]
98
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:12,503
- Hey, yo, can I lay on that?
- No!
99
00:04:13,337 --> 00:04:16,882
♪
100
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:20,135
Mm... Delicious.
[soft music playing]
101
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:24,056
I'm getting notes of
not from Trader Joe's.
102
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,100
You know what else I got?
103
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,646
Homemade pigs in a blanket
104
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,857
and an actual blanket,
so we can be...
105
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:37,569
pigs in a blanket
while we eat pigs in a blanket.
106
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,862
[laughs]
107
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,698
I have never found being
called a pig so romantic.
108
00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:44,201
Hey, you wanna pick a record?
109
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,539
Jane's Addiction!
110
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:52,376
I got to see them play
the very first Lollapalooza.
111
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,379
'91, middle of Arizona,
112
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,713
about a thousand degrees.
113
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,173
♪ dramatic music ♪
114
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:01,552
You know, I met your father
at a Jane's Addiction concert.
115
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,180
At the first-ever Lollapalooza
116
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,099
back in 1991.
117
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:09,393
So my boyfriend was at the same concert
118
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:13,021
where my mom conceived me.
That didn't mean he was my dad.
119
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:16,692
I remember my buddy Chip.
He got us backstage that night.
120
00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:18,735
Man, it's so cool
121
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,779
to see a band from behind.
122
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,449
I got invited backstage that night.
123
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,410
You think Dave Navarro
looks good from the front,
124
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,036
you should see him from behind, eh?
125
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,748
Or maybe I've been mackin' on my daddy.
126
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,459
- Another dog?
- Oh.
127
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:37,629
Oh! My dad! My bad. My bad.
128
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:39,381
It's okay, sweetie.
129
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,010
♪
130
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,015
♪
131
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,517
- Open your mouth.
- No! Why? What are you gonna do?
132
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,144
I was gonna feed you this mini quiche.
133
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,062
Oh. Ah...
134
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,106
What?
[stammers]
135
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,192
Why does your apron say "daddy"?
136
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,651
'Cause I'm the daddy of the kitchen.
137
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,029
Cute. Cute. [forced laugh]
138
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,947
♪ soft music ♪
139
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:06,408
You know, I can't stop thinking about
140
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:09,411
how handsome you must have
been back at Lollapalooza.
141
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,371
Do you have any old pictures?
142
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,167
Uh... Lemme think about it. Oh.
143
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,964
Here's one of me in 1990
with my beautiful mom.
144
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,716
Oh, no.
145
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,010
Do you have any photos
specifically from Lollapalooza?
146
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,388
Gotta have an old photo album
around here somewhere.
147
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,599
Gotta promise not to make fun of my hair.
148
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,351
No judgment.
149
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:35,354
Well, I was being conceived in 1991,
so I didn't even have any hair!
150
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,147
[both laugh, snort]
151
00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:40,984
We have the same snort.
What are the odds?
152
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,071
Pretty slim, Robert. Pretty slim.
153
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,367
Ladies and gentlemen, you have joined us
154
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,994
for a very special occasion
here at Pemberton's.
155
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,039
It's Lost and Found Day,
Challenge Edition!
156
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,874
Huh? Huh?
157
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:58,836
Um, how long is this gonna take?
'Cause we're on a first date.
158
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,588
The best first date
of your goddamn life!
159
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,801
Our friends Jesse and Valentina
are going to be competing
160
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:07,761
for this guide to self-haircuts.
161
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,097
How, you ask?
By assembling outfits
162
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:13,725
using only items
from the Lost and Found box!
163
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,727
What?!
164
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,855
I should have listened
to the Yelp reviews.
165
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,565
They all said this place was very weird.
166
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,650
It really is, my man. It really is.
167
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,487
Now, let's all honk for the hunk
with the junk in his trunk.
168
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:29,408
I am, of course,
talking about Jesse Walker!
169
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:30,659
CHARLIE/ELLEN:
Wow!
170
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,829
Jesse really is giving us Matrix- chic
in his leather trench.
171
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,039
Send your thoughts
and prayers to my eyeballs
172
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,125
because they are dead from this fit.
173
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:41,044
♪ runway music ♪
174
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,046
Yes! Eight!
175
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,215
Can we really not get a drink
until after this is over--
176
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,800
That's correct. Now, be quiet.
177
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,427
Next on the runway,
178
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,971
we have the beautiful Valentina Morales!
179
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,016
- ELLEN: [gasps] Ooh...
- Wow. Valentina seems to be wearing
180
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,518
a janitor's uniform lost
by somebody named Gerald.
181
00:07:58,187 --> 00:07:58,979
[Ellen gasps]
182
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,940
Are you freakin' kidding me?!
How does it fit her so well?!
183
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,818
I've seen you around the bar
and I had this made for you.
184
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,237
It's your exact measurements.
185
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,824
[nervous laugh]
Yeah, I'm not wearing this, bro.
186
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,951
♪
187
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:16,246
- Ellen?
- One word. Transcendent.
188
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,414
[whispering]
189
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,836
- Damn it!
- She's a 10. Yes!
190
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,047
This lame-ass book is all mine.
191
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,763
♪
192
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:35,599
You know what else sucks
about long-distance relationships?
193
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,768
Two time zones.
194
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:41,021
We are one country.
We shouldn't have two time zones.
195
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,232
We don't. We have three.
196
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:46,151
We might even have four.
197
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,237
America's a mess.
198
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,948
Point is, it sucks.
199
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,741
Totally! Totally.
200
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,577
But more than that,
201
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:59,331
it's just hard to feel... close.
202
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,333
- You know?
- Yeah.
203
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,545
I mean, Hannah and I are doing our best
204
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:07,381
but this is not how I pictured
our first year of marriage.
205
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,343
It's really nice to talk
to someone who gets it.
206
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,929
Yeah, it is.
207
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,890
Hey, if y'all aren't gonna
watch a movie, can you throw
208
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,725
Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish
209
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,352
on both your screens for your boy?
210
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:23,063
I'm trying to do this shit IMAX-style.
211
00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:25,899
ROBERT:
That's my buddy Garlic.
212
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,359
You'll never guess how
he got that nickname.
213
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:30,320
Bet I could, Robert.
Uh, where's the Lollapalooza pic?
214
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,322
[sighs] I found it.
215
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,785
♪ dramatic music ♪
216
00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:42,541
♪ soft music playing ♪
217
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,336
Do you mind going downstairs
and opening another bottle of wine?
218
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,671
I'd love to freshen up.
219
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:50,382
Oh, yeah. Maybe make a fire?
220
00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,508
[quiet whimper]
221
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,471
Came out a little more paternal
than I would have liked.
222
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,060
[whispers]
God... Oh, my God...
223
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:06,607
[shutter snaps]
224
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,279
Too much? Nah...
225
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:13,822
Ah...
226
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,491
♪ soft music continues ♪
227
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:18,827
[muffled thud, rustling]
228
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,292
Babe!
229
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:30,506
So, I dusted the chunks
of pergola off my sweater,
230
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:33,383
jumped in my rental car,
and called my mom.
231
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,845
Mom! Please call me back!
I think I'm dating my dad!
232
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:40,098
[cars crashing]
[gasps]
233
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,310
[radiator hissing]
Oh, no, no, no, no!
234
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,688
[gasps] Oh god.
235
00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:50,359
♪
236
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,281
Dude.
237
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,575
♪
238
00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,372
♪
239
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,666
Listen! I'm so sorry. I--
240
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,668
- Me first.
- Huh?
241
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:11,797
My name is Barney Stinson,
and I am a recovering serial womanizer.
242
00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:14,132
We are likely speaking today
because you are a woman
243
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,802
I once concocted an elaborate scheme
to have sex with.
244
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:20,013
I fully understand why you
have exacted revenge on me,
245
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,600
and I apologize if I ever,
A, pretended to be a mannequin
246
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,936
that came to life
and made you fall in love with me.
247
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,647
B, hired a makeup team to transform me
248
00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,065
into a time-traveling old man
249
00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,150
and told you that the only way
to stop global warming
250
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,569
was to sleep with young me.
251
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,530
C, told you I was Justin Hemsworth,
252
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,575
the long-lost eldest Hemsworth brother--
253
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:42,452
Oh my god, stop talking.
Why do I have a feeling you have, like,
254
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,997
50 more creepy things on that list?
255
00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:47,833
[scoffs] Fifty?
There's, like, hundreds.
256
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:53,338
I did not crash into you to...
exact revenge.
257
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:56,258
We've never met.
I'm just a new driver
258
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,635
in the middle of
the worst night of my life.
259
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,139
I guess I would have recognized
the three of you if we had met.
260
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,515
[laughs]
What?
261
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,517
You and your boobs.
262
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,270
- [electricity zapping, yelling]
- What?! What happened?!
263
00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:11,481
My STD. Shock therapy device.
264
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,985
It's this experimental new
265
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:17,613
electroshock treatment for guys like me.
266
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:20,115
This sucker is programed
267
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:22,868
with 10,000 problematic words and phrases.
268
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:25,245
If I utter one of them, it blasts me
269
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,998
with enough electricity
to power Staten Island.
270
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,460
Whoa. And that really works?
271
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,337
Uh, yeah.
272
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,464
When I first saw you, I wanted to say,
273
00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,050
"You rear-ended me,
so how about I rear-end you?"
274
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:39,426
[zapping]
[yelling gibberish]
275
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:43,972
But I didn't.
276
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:46,683
Well, uh, fun chat.
277
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,520
What do you say
I Venmo you for the damage?
278
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,564
What do you think's fair?
Like, 30... 40 bucks?
279
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,860
Okay, 50! Final offer!
280
00:12:56,860 --> 00:13:00,197
Honey, my left shoelace cost $50.
281
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,407
[sighs] This is a new low.
282
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:05,369
First, I find out I'm dating my maybe dad,
283
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:08,163
and now I'm gonna go bankrupt
because I crashed into
284
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,332
the fanciest perv in New York.
285
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,210
I'm sorry. You just found out you're
maybe dating your maybe what? Who? What?
286
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,003
It's a long story.
287
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,046
[Sophie groans]
288
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:19,299
How about you tell me
289
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:23,262
your twisted tale of
daughter-daddy lust and intrigue,
290
00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:26,849
and if your story is juicy enough,
the car is on me.
291
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:31,270
Really?
That's a... pretty weird challenge.
292
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,855
If there's one thing
you should know about me,
293
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,398
it's that I love a weird challenge.
294
00:13:35,107 --> 00:13:36,149
Okay.
295
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,819
So, my friend and I,
we went to this party.
296
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,070
- Okay.
- And I met a chef...
297
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,322
Yeah, you did. [yelling]
[zapping]
298
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,743
[inhales] Come on!
299
00:13:47,286 --> 00:13:49,663
♪
300
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,665
[sighs]
301
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,166
Thank you for meeting me here.
302
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,794
Stop being weird. We literally
just walked into another room.
303
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,548
This receipt has a love song
written on it.
304
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:00,841
About Sophie.
305
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,051
- Yeah.
- When did you write it?
306
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,263
Oh god, a long, long time ago.
I barely remember.
307
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,390
Oh, you wrote it last week.
308
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:12,311
Same day you bought three
extra-extra-large shirts at Gap Kids.
309
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:16,231
Kids' clothes are just cheaper, okay?
And, yes, I wrote it last week.
310
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,233
And, yes,
I still have feelings for Sophie.
311
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:21,403
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
312
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,614
I mean, there was a minute there
where I thought about telling her,
313
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,782
but then she got with Robert,
and I realized it's for the best.
314
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,701
I mean, it was a complete disaster
the first time around.
315
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,786
It would probably be a disaster again,
316
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,288
and I just need to move on.
317
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:35,209
So, let's just both forget
you ever found that song.
318
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:37,211
Like Sid did when
he found my poem about...
319
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,755
about Hillary Clinton.
320
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:42,716
[clears throat]
321
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,427
Deal.
322
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:47,846
[quietly]
Thank you.
323
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,852
[bar chatter, soft music]
324
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:58,065
♪
325
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:02,027
Then I jumped in my rental car,
called my mom,
326
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:04,279
and then crashed into you.
[text notification]
327
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:05,280
[gasps]
328
00:15:07,658 --> 00:15:09,576
Oh, thank God!
329
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,912
"That's not your dad in the picture.
330
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,623
I did buy ecstasy from him, though. Yum."
331
00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:15,999
[Sophie sighs]
She sounds fun.
332
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,292
She is.
333
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,503
Oh my god, that's so great.
334
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:21,505
He's not my dad! [gasps]
335
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:26,468
He's just another great guy
that I ran away from
336
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:29,763
because I'm a complete mess. Woo.
337
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,226
When you were little,
338
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:37,062
who did you picture
when you were imagining him?
339
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,400
Bryan Cranston.
From Malcolm in the Middle.
340
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,777
Not Breaking Bad.
I couldn't even watch that.
341
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,654
I didn't wanna see my dad cooking meth.
342
00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:47,406
[scoffs]
343
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,616
For me, it was Bob Barker.
344
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:53,161
I always dreamed that one day,
he'd pull up outside my school,
345
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,664
and we'd go spay and neuter pets together.
346
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:56,915
- Wow.
- Yeah.
347
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,002
So, you don't know your dad either?
348
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,962
Actually, now I do.
349
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:05,716
A great friend of mine
lost his father a while back.
350
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:09,094
And so, I decided to track down
my own before it was too late.
351
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,598
Did you ever think about finding yours?
352
00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,474
Of course.
353
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,644
But then, I worry that
he's gonna be a criminal.
354
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,396
Or a drunk.
355
00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:22,065
- Or a prop comic.
- Ew.
356
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:25,569
[insects chirping]
357
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:28,071
And then other times, I think that he...
358
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,491
could be everything
that's ever been missing from my life
359
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,243
and completely transform me
360
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,538
into the best version
of myself that I could be.
361
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:40,834
Fix your abandonment issues,
your commitment issues,
362
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,962
your "not seeing women
as human being" issues.
363
00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:47,090
- Did your dad do all of that for you?
- Ha.
364
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,134
No. Uh,
365
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,136
actually, a few years back,
366
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:54,139
a really amazing girl came into my life.
367
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,810
My daughter Ellie.
368
00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:03,982
She is the best thing that ever
happened to an idiot like me.
369
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,402
The moment I saw her, I knew...
370
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:09,696
I had to change.
371
00:17:11,198 --> 00:17:12,324
Don't get me wrong.
372
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,576
My dad is great.
373
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:17,454
He's kind and funny,
374
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,831
and watching the two of them
together, it just...
375
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,002
[sighs] You get it.
376
00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:26,922
Yeah.
377
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:33,262
Look, if you ever do decide
to track down your dad,
378
00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:37,266
it probably won't fix all your problems.
379
00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:38,767
[soft laugh]
380
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,061
But, if you get lucky, like I did,
381
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,355
could be great.
382
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:53,198
So was my story juicy enough for you,
or are you gonna make me pay?
383
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:55,951
You're off the hook.
384
00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:58,871
You don't have to Venmo me anything.
[sighs]
385
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:03,166
Or, as my past self used to say,
you don't have to Ven-hoe me any--
386
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,835
[zapping]
[yelling]
387
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:07,379
I said past self! [groans]
388
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,006
♪
389
00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:15,137
♪
390
00:18:16,555 --> 00:18:17,973
[phone dings]
391
00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:28,984
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
392
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:30,819
Mm!
393
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,155
- How was your flight?
- Uh, you know, the usual.
394
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,991
You hungry? I ordered from
that Thai place that you love.
395
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:38,202
And I got two mango sticky rices this time
396
00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:40,204
because I learned from my mistakes.
397
00:18:42,915 --> 00:18:43,916
[Sophie sighs]
398
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,546
ROBERT:
Hey.
399
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,964
Robert!
400
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,341
What are you doing here?
401
00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:56,011
[scoffs] I'm looking for you
to make sure you're okay
402
00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,722
'cause you jumped out the window
and fled my house.
403
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,641
Oh. Right.
404
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,185
[sighs]
405
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,813
The picture you showed me
from Lollapalooza,
406
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:10,025
the woman that you had
your arm around is my mom.
407
00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:13,904
- What?
- Yeah, and I briefly spiraled,
408
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:16,532
thinking that you were my dad
I've never met.
409
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,701
Because I was actually conceived
at that concert.
410
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:23,080
- What?
- Yeah. Don't worry! You're not.
411
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,208
Yeah, I know.
I was on a celibacy kick back then.
412
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:27,960
The '90s were a weird time.
413
00:19:28,794 --> 00:19:29,795
[clicks tongue]
414
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,257
- That's your mom?
- Yeah.
415
00:19:34,258 --> 00:19:36,552
Okay, we didn't sleep together,
416
00:19:36,552 --> 00:19:37,594
but we kissed.
417
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,930
- You did?
- And did other stuff.
418
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:40,806
You did?
419
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,269
- A lot of other stuff.
- Oh! Why didn't she tell me that?
420
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,479
Ugh, didn't see this text.
421
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,774
"He was on some lame celibacy thing,
422
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:54,403
so we just explored each other's bodies
with our hands and our mouth..."
423
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:57,739
Yeah. I told you it was a weird time.
424
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:01,159
But, Sophie, it was years ago.
425
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,161
Decades.
426
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,622
Three decades.
We could come back from this.
427
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:08,125
We can totally come back from this.
428
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,385
- We can't come back from this! [sighs]
- We can't come back from this.
429
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,433
Goodbye, Robert.
430
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:28,812
Goodbye, Sophie.
431
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:31,023
Say hi to your mom for me.
[sighs]
432
00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:32,858
♪
433
00:20:32,858 --> 00:20:35,569
Ai!
[cheering]
434
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,740
- Hi.
- Hi!
435
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,992
I broke up with Robert.
436
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,577
Wait, what happened?
437
00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:47,039
I don't even know where to begin.
438
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:50,584
Maybe I'll start with...
439
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,921
I think I wanna find my dad.
440
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,172
What?
ELLEN: Wow.
441
00:20:57,049 --> 00:20:59,051
Then, we will help you find him.
442
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:01,386
Thanks.
443
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:04,181
♪ The way you said,
darling, I love you ♪
444
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:06,225
Did I miss Lost and Found Day?
445
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:08,852
Don't worry. That box will be
full again before you know it.
446
00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:09,895
Good!
447
00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,104
[sighs]
448
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,607
Look at us.
449
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,568
A newly single woman,
450
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:18,529
her engaged best friend...
451
00:21:18,529 --> 00:21:20,447
I am not really engaged.
452
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,741
Yo, this centerpiece is fire.
453
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:26,411
She was 100% engaged!
454
00:21:26,912 --> 00:21:29,748
Can we please get some food?
I'm starving.
455
00:21:29,748 --> 00:21:32,376
- JESSE: Yes.
- Robert was supposed to make us dinner,
456
00:21:32,376 --> 00:21:34,002
and then I realized
457
00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:36,046
he was maybe my dad.
458
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,841
- What?
- You realized he was maybe your dad?
459
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:40,342
[excited chatter]
460
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:44,096
♪ You gave me faith
in the Lord, now dear ♪
461
00:21:44,096 --> 00:21:47,015
♪ And we're only just begun ♪
462
00:21:47,975 --> 00:21:49,977
VALENTINA:
Wait! Wait for me!
463
00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:52,271
♪ Long time gone ♪
464
00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:56,942
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
465
00:21:57,943 --> 00:22:00,571
♪ This will be our year ♪
466
00:22:00,571 --> 00:22:06,034
♪ To the Lord's time to... ♪
467
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:09,496
♪ Come through ♪
468
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:12,666
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
469
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:18,755
♪ Gonna be hard here ♪
470
00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:21,925
♪ He-ee-ere! ♪