1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,045 SOPHIE: Previously on How I Met Your Father... 2 00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:04,796 - Wonderful news. 3 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:06,798 It's lost and found day! 4 00:00:06,798 --> 00:00:09,760 - Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts. 5 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,222 - Oh, actually, that's mine. - This lame-ass book is all mine... 6 00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:17,142 This receipt has a love song written on it. About Sophie. 7 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,102 - Yes, I still have feelings for Sophie. 8 00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,145 - So what are you gonna do? 9 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,105 - I mean, it was a complete disaster the first time around. 10 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:25,567 It would probably be a disaster again, and I just need to move on. 11 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:27,569 [indistinct chatter] 12 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,905 ♪ And I'm making it a habit ♪ 13 00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:33,951 ♪ Reaching out to you ♪ 14 00:00:34,910 --> 00:00:36,411 VALENTINA: Wait! Wait for me! 15 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,830 ♪ Actin' like a fool... ♪ 16 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:42,876 ♪ upbeat theme playing ♪ 17 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,755 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 18 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:50,259 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 19 00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:56,932 - You know, kiddo, life isn't always blue skies and sunshine. 20 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,726 Sometimes, things can get stormy. 21 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,937 SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: Oh, I get it. You're doing a metaphor 22 00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,815 about trouble brewing with your friends, right? 23 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,817 - Ugh! No! 24 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:10,028 I'm talking about an actual storm. A hurricane. 25 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:12,573 - Hurricane Marcy is headed north, 26 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,408 and it's gonna be a doozy! 27 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,703 I'm Sandy Rivers, recently demoted to weekend weatherman 28 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,705 as a result of my record-setting 29 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:23,166 47 still unproven allegations. 30 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,628 Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow. 31 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:30,549 - Okay, how long do hurricanes last? 'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday, 32 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,551 and my boo does not like flying through turbulence. 33 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,304 - Wow. What a unique woman you married. 34 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,263 [Sophie giggles] 35 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,599 - How does she feel about war? 36 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,350 [laughter] 37 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,727 - Okay, Hannah will be fine. 38 00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:45,564 You see, weather warnings are just hype to scare you into buying supplies. 39 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,983 Big Umbrella is real. 40 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,694 - Hey! Hey, hey, guess what? Good news. 41 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,529 Your number-one boy just found a new place to live! 42 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,573 - I asked Jesse to move in with me. - Ha, ha! 43 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:57,159 - Wow! ELLEN: [laughs] Wow! 44 00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:00,829 That is so great, and not shockingly fast at all. 45 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,081 - I know, I know. It's a little crazy, 46 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:05,459 but the loft I'm renting is way too expensive for just me. 47 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,504 - Yeah, and the only place that I could afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup, 48 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,297 and the stairs would've been great for my butt... 49 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,757 - Your butt is perfect! - Oh! 50 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:12,841 - Agree to disagree. 51 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,011 - I think it's great! 52 00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:18,263 Best wishes to you and yours. 53 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,807 - Um, thank you, Sophie. 54 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,809 So, I was thinking maybe we could have a little hang 55 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,312 at our place later to celebrate my last night. 56 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,523 - What do you mean "last night"? You're moving out tomorrow? 57 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,234 - Yeah. We're excited. Why wait? 58 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:33,403 - I guess. I mean, Parker's great, [scoffs] but can she... 59 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:36,198 open a beer bottle with another beer bottle? 60 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,449 [all gasp] 61 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,369 [glass shards clatter] 62 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,788 Excuse me. I need new pants. 63 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,540 - Well, I'll be there. 64 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,709 May this season of your lives bring you peace and joy. 65 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,170 - Uh, cool. 66 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,631 - [gritted teeth] Can we talk for a second, weirdo? 67 00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,842 ♪ 68 00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:58,971 You're still into Jesse. - What? 69 00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,265 No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 70 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,766 You're talking like a Hallmark card, 71 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,852 and you only do that when you're emotionally devastated. 72 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,230 - One Shamrock Shake, please. - Sorry, machine's broken. 73 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,985 - Wishing you the luck of the Irish on this blessed St. Patrick's Day. 74 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,029 Fine! I'm still into Jesse. 75 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,700 Everything about him. His eyes and his smile and his... 76 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,035 unreasonably loud voice. 77 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,289 - Soph, you need to tell him how you feel. Soon. 78 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,291 Before he gets in too deep with this Parker girl. 79 00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:29,585 - He is already in too deep. They're moving in together! 80 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,503 Soon, they're gonna be peeing in front of each other 81 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,713 and showering in front of each other 82 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,298 and peeing in the shower in front of each other! 83 00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,175 - Is that what you think relationships are? 84 00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:39,261 - Look. He's... happy, 85 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,596 and I need to be supportive. 86 00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:45,058 In fact, I'm gonna be the most goddamn supportive person 87 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,768 you've ever seen in your life. 88 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,396 I'm gonna be like the human version of a jockstrap. 89 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,691 J-J-Just keeping Jesse... supported. 90 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:55,652 - Ew. 91 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,493 FUTURE SOPHIE: Val really believed that we belonged together. 92 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,872 She just needed to show me that he felt the same way I did. 93 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,259 - Where the hell are those lyrics? 94 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,385 ♪ 95 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,723 - Didn't see a lot of rain out there. You know what I did see? 96 00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:27,434 A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos. 97 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,144 The conspiracy is real, guys. 98 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,481 - I thought this was a party. Where's the music? 99 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:34,566 The passed apps? A bouquet of balloons that lets me know, 100 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,401 "Okay, I'm gonna have a good time tonight"? 101 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,653 - Hey, guys! 102 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,446 [gasps] 103 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,490 - Oh, this isn't a moving-out party. 104 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,116 It's a help-you-pack trap! 105 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:46,370 - That's right, suckers! And you fell right into it! Ha, ha! 106 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,414 - It was Jesse's idea, I swear. I bought beer. 107 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,125 And ordered pizza. And said we should hire movers. 108 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,669 Please like me. 109 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:57,339 - Jesse? Why'd you pack our crêpe maker? 110 00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,258 - Uh, didn't you give me that for my birthday? 111 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:01,176 - Yeah, for us to make crêpes together. 112 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:03,720 Like, we were gonna call ourselves the Nutella Fellas. 113 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,390 - Well, we'll bust it out when we have you over for brunch. [clicks tongue] 114 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:09,268 - Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing at a crêperie in Montreal, 115 00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:12,062 and what we made was tres delicieuse. 116 00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,231 - That means three delicious-es. 117 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:16,608 - Does it? - No, that can't be right. 118 00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,360 - Check it out. 119 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,487 Human jockstrap going in. 120 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,076 Hey, girl! Hey. I just wanted to say 121 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,620 that I'm so excited for you and Jesse. 122 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:31,623 What a milestone. Can I hug you? Yeah, I'm gonna hug you. 123 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:34,042 - Aw! [laughs] Thanks. 124 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,086 I am so lucky that Jesse has such great friends. 125 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,963 All mine are still back in Nevada. 126 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:41,508 - Oh, yeah? Well, moving here mid-school year must have been tough. 127 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,303 - It was. Yeah, but I just needed to get out of there. 128 00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:46,430 - Really? How come? 129 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,932 - Oh, it's a long story. 130 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,268 I don't really wanna get into it. 131 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,148 [Sophie scoffs] 132 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:59,318 - That was weird, right? - You hugging her? Extremely. 133 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:02,154 - No. What gym teacher leaves her job mid-school year 134 00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:05,324 and moves across the country, and"doesn't wanna get into it"? 135 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,618 [scoffs] Like, who was even asking? 136 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:10,662 - You were! - Bingo! Something's off. 137 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:16,084 - Good God, how many chinos can one man own? 138 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:18,420 - Hey, guys! ELLEN: Hey. 139 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,923 - So, that lost and found night we had a while back. 140 00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,591 That was pretty fun, wasn't it? 141 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,259 - Sure. 142 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:27,137 It was aight. Why do you ask? 143 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,474 - You didn't happen to take anything that night, did you? 144 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,602 Something that wasn't yours... 145 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,813 - [nervous laugh] No. - [nervous laugh] Of course not! 146 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,357 No, the only thing that Ellen and I steal 147 00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:40,943 is ourselves to take on life's big challenges. 148 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,319 - Mm-hmm! Okay, bye. 149 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:47,032 - Well, if you happen to remember anything else... 150 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,493 you have my number. 151 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,787 - Sure thing, Detective Nerd. 152 00:06:51,787 --> 00:06:53,956 - [nervous laugh] Someone send Valentina back to the kitchen 153 00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,999 'cause she got burned. [laughs] 154 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,334 [forced laugh] 155 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,296 [knocking on door] - Oh, pizza's here! 156 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,591 No need to chip in for tip. It is also on me. [laughs] 157 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,093 Remember! Like me! 158 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,640 [apartment door opens] 159 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:13,642 - Sid. 160 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,231 Check out the name on this credit card. 161 00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,275 Timothy Mansfield? 162 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:24,361 That's not her name. That's a boy's name. 163 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,196 You gotta admit, that is sketchy as hell. 164 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,323 - It is indeed. 165 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:32,035 Looks like Lady Parker just became Shady Parker. 166 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,162 ♪ 167 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,500 ♪ 168 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,170 - So, who do you think Timothy Mansfield is? 169 00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:42,296 [gasps] 170 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,006 - She must be some sort of a con woman. 171 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,966 - Oh, my God, yes. Like in those articles 172 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,302 that become podcasts that become limited series. 173 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,387 That become podcasts that recap the limited series! 174 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,014 - Exactly! This is what she does. 175 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:55,017 She seduces a guy, moves in with him, 176 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,852 butters up his friends with pizza, and then-- 177 00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:58,562 [choking] 178 00:07:58,562 --> 00:07:59,938 - She strangles them? 179 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,899 - No! That was a real pepperoni. 180 00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:05,694 No. She takes them for everything they have, 181 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,530 flees to the next city, does it again. 182 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,823 Wash, rinse, repeat. 183 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,326 - Like evil shampoo. 184 00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:17,372 Poor Jesse. He's just so sweet and trusting. 185 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:21,376 Oh God, she already has him eating outta the palm of her hand. Look. 186 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,504 JESSE: Mm! 187 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,173 Just when I thought pistachios couldn't taste any better! 188 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,216 [both laugh] 189 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,344 - We have to tell him. - No! Not yet, Sophie. 190 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,804 He'll never believe us. We need more hard evidence. 191 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:36,517 - Let's go through her purse. Oh, I bet it's chock full of secrets. 192 00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:38,060 - Ooh, that is good. But 193 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,937 But how do we get it without her noticing? 194 00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:42,648 - We do the old distract and extract. 195 00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:43,941 I literally just came up with that. 196 00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:47,236 - Well, may I just confess I am impressed? 197 00:08:47,236 --> 00:08:49,112 - Mine was better. - I know. 198 00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,155 ♪ 199 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,325 - Hey, girl. [startled yelp] 200 00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:54,368 - I mean... 201 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,038 what up, my sister from a different mister? 202 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,792 - Uh, you know, my zipper is stuck, and I really need to pee. 203 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:04,086 Can you come into the bathroom and help me? 204 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:06,296 - Can't I just unzip it here? 205 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:09,383 - Don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Walk. 206 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:14,680 CHARLIE: Val, I can't find the caterpillar you asked me to save. 207 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,682 Hopefully, she became a butterfly, and-- 208 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:17,474 [shuts door] 209 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,226 There was no caterpillar, was there? 210 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,853 - I know you two took it. 211 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,647 - Okay, fine! I took it! 212 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,358 - We're dirty thieves. - But it was for everyone's own good. 213 00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,985 Do you really want this out in the world, 214 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:29,486 destroying people's lives? 215 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,321 - Just. Go. Get. It. 216 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,323 - Fine! But! Don't! Clap! At! Me! 217 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,910 - Well... good. Luck. Out. There. 218 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,665 ♪ 219 00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,292 [tape ripping] 220 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,629 - You ready? I'll distract. You extract. 221 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,676 Whoa! Parker! Strong much? 222 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,386 - Oh! Yeah. 223 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,221 Yeah, I used to be a competitive arm wrestler. 224 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,224 - That's so crazy! 225 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,185 [scoffs] I used to arm wrestle, too! 226 00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:02,686 - You did? SOPHIE: Yeah. 227 00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,521 Used to be a member of the... 228 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:07,149 Women's Arm Wrestling of New England. 229 00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,151 You know... WAWONE? 230 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,779 - Well, what was your move? Top roller, flop, press, hook? 231 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,115 - Yeah. All of 'em. 232 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,366 [giggles] 233 00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:18,368 You wanna tangle? 234 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,247 - Alright. Hoo! It's on! [Sophie squeals excitedly] 235 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,249 It's on! - Okay. Okay. 236 00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,503 - Um, what's going on? 237 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,963 - Uh, nothing. Just... 238 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:33,300 two alpha females vying for supremacy via arm wrestling. 239 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:38,180 - Prepare for the challenge of-- - Three, two, one, wrestle! 240 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,015 [glass breaks] [Sophie screams, gasps] 241 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,642 - Oh! I'm so sorry. I have a Tide stick in my purse-- 242 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,769 - No need! I want a rematch. 243 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:45,938 Yeah. I just wasn't ready yet. Oh! 244 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:49,608 'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh, we say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!" 245 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,610 PARKER: Okay... Yeah. SOPHIE: Yeah. 246 00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:55,364 Three, two, one... wrestle now! 247 00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,450 - Is Sophie mouthing, 248 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,869 "I think I can, I think I can"? 249 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,372 [mouthing] 250 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,706 - Yeah, it's her favorite book. 251 00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:06,500 [both yell] 252 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,169 [gasps] 253 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,171 ♪ 254 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:15,217 - Anything? - Um, more like everything. 255 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:18,762 Three bottles of prescription painkillers in someone else's name. 256 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,305 - [laughs] Timothy Mansfield? 257 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:23,058 - Nope. Another name. Rachel Whitmore. 258 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:24,768 [gasps] 259 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:25,936 - She seduces women, too? 260 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,396 Oh, my God. 261 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:30,357 She's a hot con woman who swings both ways. 262 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:34,236 This is totally article-turned-podcast turned-limited-series material. 263 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:35,612 - Mm-hmm. 264 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,865 Why do you think Parker's got all these pills? 265 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:38,991 - She's probably a drug dealer. 266 00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:41,577 - Or she's a drug lord. 267 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,581 - What's the difference? - A drug lord is a dealer 268 00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:47,958 who works really hard and gets promoted. 269 00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:49,626 - Whoa. 270 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,420 - I think we have enough to bring to Jesse. 271 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,463 - No, no, no! No, we need more proof. 272 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:55,549 Something that makes our case against her rock solid. 273 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:57,968 - We could run a background check on her. 274 00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:00,721 - You can't just run a background check on someone! 275 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,014 They have to agree to it. 276 00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,099 You know, like when you're applying for a job. 277 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,018 Or auditioning for Naked and Afraid. 278 00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:09,771 What's up, Naked and Afraid? My name is Sid. I'm 5'11". 279 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,566 I am not scared of mosquitoes. No problem whatsoever-- 280 00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,902 - What the hell are you doing? You don't have to be naked for the audition! 281 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,362 - I told you to stay in your room! - Fine! Fine! 282 00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:20,407 - Oh, my God, Sid-- - I know! I got robbed! 283 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:24,036 - No! Not that. No. We know the guy who hired her. 284 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:25,829 ♪ 285 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,332 - Hi, Sophie! Thanks for the invite. 286 00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:30,876 I love a packing party. I brought my label maker. 287 00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:31,919 SOPHIE: Ooh. [clicks] 288 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:34,671 ♪ 289 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,801 ♪ 290 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,304 - Drew? What are you doing here? 291 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,348 - Uh, Sophie invited me. 292 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,600 - Oh. Uh... 293 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,268 Cool. Well, hey, listen, it's so nice of you 294 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,812 to drop everything you were doing to come help a colleague pack. 295 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,106 - Come on, man. I don't see you as a colleague. 296 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,150 You're my employee. Ooh. 297 00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:56,485 Sweet, 'za. 298 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:59,488 [bad Italian accent] Eh, tell me you got-a the pepperoni! 299 00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:01,365 [normal] I studied abroad in Italy. 300 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,578 - What? He's my friend. 301 00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,080 ♪ 302 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:12,209 - Gah! - Hey. 303 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:13,544 - Hi, guys. SOPHIE: So, um... 304 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,672 Parker's pretty great, huh? 305 00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,174 - Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah, she's the best. 306 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:21,093 I call her that 'cause one time in the teacher's lounge, 307 00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:22,803 she fell asleep in a sunbeam. 308 00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:24,638 - Aw. [laughs] 309 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,640 So what was the hiring process like? 310 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,267 Interview? Background check? 311 00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:31,770 - Oh, great interview. I asked her to describe herself in three words, 312 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,231 and she said, "really bad at counting." 313 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,483 [giggling] 314 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,360 It's four words. [giggles] 315 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,654 - Got it. She's a riot. 316 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:41,655 - Yeah. 317 00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,283 - So did you ever talk to anyone who worked with her before? 318 00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,410 - Um, didn't have to. 319 00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,996 Yeah, I got a glowing letter from the principal at her last school. 320 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,914 - What school was that? - Um... 321 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,293 Washington Middle School in Reno. Why? 322 00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:55,961 - Oh, I like to know, um, 323 00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,922 all my friends' employment history. What was your first job? 324 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,633 - Panera Bread. But "job" isn't the word for it. 325 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,594 We were really more like a family. 326 00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:07,681 ♪ 327 00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:10,642 [Ellen shivers, scoffs] 328 00:14:11,185 --> 00:14:14,229 - Hurri-cane? More like hurri-tame. 329 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:17,191 Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said "hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it. 330 00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:18,400 - Did you get it? 331 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,109 ♪ 332 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,237 This is Jesse's lame self-haircut book. 333 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,989 - And I'm so sorry I took it. 334 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,825 I remember the moment you pulled it out of the lost and found box 335 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,035 like it was yesterday. 336 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:31,872 - Snip and Save: A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts. 337 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:32,748 - Oh, actually, that's mine. 338 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:35,959 ELLEN: I thought everyone was going to say what I was thinking. 339 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:39,296 That this was the most badass book of all time. But then... 340 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,465 - Wow. [laughs] That is so sad. 341 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,050 ELLEN: I didn't wanna be the odd one out, 342 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,719 so I piled on with one of my classic Ellen burns. 343 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,930 Sweetie, we get it. Do you need to borrow money? 344 00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:52,309 But the truth was, I always dreamt of doing my own hair. 345 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:55,062 So, later that night, I made my move. 346 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:58,315 Luckily, your girl Ellie is smooth as jelly. 347 00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,150 [groans] I gotta go. 348 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,570 I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my... 349 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,741 I got home and got to cutting. 350 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,369 They say the first cut is the deepest, 351 00:15:10,369 --> 00:15:11,870 but, in my case... 352 00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:14,289 it was the dumbest. 353 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,458 [screaming] 354 00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:20,212 [screams, gasps] 355 00:15:20,212 --> 00:15:23,632 - It's okay, darling. It's alright. It's okay. I can fix this. 356 00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,175 Um... [Ellen panting] 357 00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:26,927 Okay... 358 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,638 [snipping] [Ellen whimpering] 359 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,061 [both scream] 360 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,062 [sighs] 361 00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:42,109 - So earlier, when you said what you stole could hurt a lot of people, you meant-- 362 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,778 - Destroy their 'dos! Maim their manes! 363 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,530 Turn their haircuts into scare cuts! 364 00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:49,241 - But what's the big deal? Your hair grew back fine. 365 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,410 - Did it, Valentina? Did it!? 366 00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,871 VALENTINA: Ah! 367 00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:56,832 Wait, so you've been wearing that-- 368 00:15:56,832 --> 00:15:58,250 - Since lost and found night! 369 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,794 And if you were wondering if it itches, it does! 370 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,963 - Uh, well, uh, 371 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:05,090 sorry for the confusion. 372 00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:08,927 The wig looks great, though. I never suspected a thing. 373 00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:11,180 [door opens, shuts] - Wait. 374 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:12,514 What was she looking for? 375 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:16,351 - Doesn't matter. What matters is that she couldn't even tell, okay? 376 00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,104 Which is exactly what Raffa at the wig shop said would happen. 377 00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,731 - Oh. [sighs] 378 00:16:20,731 --> 00:16:23,984 - Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school and prove that Parker never worked there, 379 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:27,821 and you are gonna soak up every detail for the Netflix pitch. 380 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:29,781 - What? We're going to Netflix? 381 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,867 Sophie, we'll get lost in a sea of content. 382 00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:33,410 - Do you think that Sarah Paulson would play me? 383 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,704 'Cause I feel like she would just nail my layered innocence. [line ringing] 384 00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:36,872 - Shh. It's ringing. - Mm. 385 00:16:36,872 --> 00:16:38,332 [phone ringing] 386 00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:41,710 - This is Principal Harris. SOPHIE [on phone]: Good afternoon, Principal. 387 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:45,088 I was calling to get a recommendation for a teacher 388 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,965 that worked for you. Parker James? 389 00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,676 - I actually don't recognize the name. 390 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,428 - Ha! Case closed! Yes! 391 00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:52,679 [excited growl] 392 00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,141 We're not gonna mention that during the Netflix pitch. 393 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,017 - Mm-hmm. 394 00:16:57,351 --> 00:16:58,560 ♪ 395 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,479 - You almost got away with it, Parker! 396 00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:02,064 - Or should we say Drug Lord... 397 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,608 Parker? [raining falling] 398 00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:07,402 - Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's room. Do you want me to go get them? 399 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:08,820 - Yes! 400 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,197 Please. 401 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,406 Thank you! 402 00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,449 ♪ 403 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,205 ♪ 404 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,623 - Hey. What's going on? 405 00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:22,167 - Jesse, we hate to break it to you, 406 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:25,212 but your friend here isn't who she says she is. 407 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,632 - Parker James... 408 00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:30,092 is a con artist. [rattling] 409 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,470 - We'd like to tell you a little story about a girl named Parker. 410 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,180 She rolls into town. 411 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,933 She fakes her way into a wholesome job. 412 00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,936 She finds herself a sweet, gullible dope 413 00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:42,813 and takes him for all he's worth. 414 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:45,649 - And she also does... 415 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:49,027 [whispers] the drug stuff. - Oh, we're talking lord level. 416 00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:52,281 - Jesse, that's not true. I-- - Of course. it's not true. 417 00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:54,992 This is what I get for not hiring movers. 418 00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:58,203 - If it's not true, then why does Parker have a credit card 419 00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,873 belonging to someone named Timothy Mansfield? 420 00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:04,209 - Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's prescription pills? 421 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:07,379 - I'm digging this 'cause it's really taking the heat off my wig situation. 422 00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,840 - Oh yeah. Oh, you are sliding a bit. 423 00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,051 - Oh, my God, did I hire a criminal? 424 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,804 Was I blinded by comedy gold? 425 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:17,514 Really bad at counting. 426 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:21,268 - Drew, Parker didn't even work at Washington Middle School! 427 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,062 - Yes, I did! - Oh, you wanna do this the hard way? 428 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,105 Fine. 429 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:27,900 [phone ringing] 430 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,028 - This Principal Harris. SOPHIE [on phone]: Hi, Principal. 431 00:18:31,028 --> 00:18:34,031 This is Sophie. I called before about Parker James. 432 00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:37,117 - Yes, I remember. You yelled "case closed" and hung up on me. 433 00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,245 I was going to say that I didn't recognize Parker's name 434 00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,788 because I just started working here. 435 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,708 - Oh. Is that... so? 436 00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,503 HARRIS [on phone]: But I confirmed with faculty and students alike 437 00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:49,546 that Ms. James was a phenomenal gym teacher. 438 00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:52,132 - You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now! [hangs up] 439 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,012 But what about the credit card? And the prescription pills? 440 00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:59,932 And moving across the country for mysterious reasons? 441 00:18:59,932 --> 00:19:02,184 - You don't need to answer. - No, no, it, it's fine. 442 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,686 The credit card belongs to my brother 443 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,481 and the pills belong to my mom. 444 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,274 - But they're all different last names. 445 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:12,194 - My mom kept her maiden name because she's a feminist. 446 00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:15,280 My brother took his wife's name because he's also a feminist. 447 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,115 - The future is female! 448 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:21,036 - My mom's recovering from a really bad rock climbing accident. 449 00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:23,455 - Or is she? - [quietly] Sophie. Uh-uh. 450 00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:25,958 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like she is. 451 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:29,711 - I have my brother's credit card because we split her medical bills. 452 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,672 [raining falling] 453 00:19:32,589 --> 00:19:35,342 - Parker dropped everything and moved here to take care of her mom. 454 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,010 - Is she gonna be okay? 455 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:40,138 - Yes. Yeah, the doctor said she had a one-in-a-million chance 456 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,516 to ever walk again. Well, guess what? She's the one. 457 00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:45,018 - Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached out about buying her life rights. 458 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,228 - Sarah Paulson's interested. 459 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,480 [excited chatter] JESSE: The Sarah Paulson. It's cool. 460 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:49,898 It's very cool. 461 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,734 - I am so sorry, Parker. I... 462 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,281 I think I just had an insane reaction to Jesse moving out tomorrow, 463 00:19:57,281 --> 00:20:00,409 and it's just that we've been roommates since... before we could drink. 464 00:20:00,409 --> 00:20:03,161 [voice breaking] And now, all we do is drink. 465 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:04,580 - Sid, you're being ridiculous-- 466 00:20:04,580 --> 00:20:06,373 [sniffles] Are you crying? 467 00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:09,376 Don't cry. You know I can't handle it when you cry-- 468 00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:11,295 [sobs] - Oh, good. 469 00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:12,963 So this is what I've signed up for. 470 00:20:13,839 --> 00:20:15,382 You can hug him if you want. - Thank you. 471 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,093 SID [crying]: I'm so sorry, man! 472 00:20:18,093 --> 00:20:19,219 JESSE: I forgive you, man. 473 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,930 - Get in here, Parker! Get in here. 474 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,099 - That was so crazy-- JESSE: Not you! 475 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,351 - Oh, not there yet. Got it. Yeah. 476 00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,315 Parker. I'm sorry, too. 477 00:20:31,315 --> 00:20:32,441 [Sid sighs] 478 00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:35,777 - I think the real reason that I was so crazy tonight is, um... 479 00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:41,283 I guess I just, um... 480 00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:45,996 I want what's best for Jesse. 481 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:50,292 And I think what's best for Jesse is... 482 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,543 you. 483 00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:56,882 - Thank you. Guess you're just a... 484 00:20:56,882 --> 00:20:58,967 terrifyingly protective friend. [Jesse sighs] 485 00:20:59,635 --> 00:21:02,179 [thunder rumbles] 486 00:21:02,179 --> 00:21:04,765 Okay. I'm gonna head out. 487 00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:06,767 Gotta drop off my mom's meds. 488 00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,062 [sighs] Then I'm gonna... 489 00:21:10,062 --> 00:21:12,564 hit the docks and make sure none of my lieutenants 490 00:21:12,564 --> 00:21:14,483 are skimming off the top. 491 00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:18,403 - See you soon. - Bye, Parker. 492 00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,404 [clears throat] 493 00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:23,075 ♪ No Rain by Rolipso & Brenzy playing ♪ 494 00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:26,662 - This is by far one of the weirdest parties I've ever been to. 495 00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:29,456 And I've been to an adult man's bris. 496 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:30,499 It was mine. 497 00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:35,712 - You okay? [thunder rumbles] 498 00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:37,756 - Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was... 499 00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:40,759 looking for something tonight, but it's gone. 500 00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:43,303 - Hm. Funny. 501 00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:45,222 ♪ But it's not sane ♪ 502 00:21:45,222 --> 00:21:47,975 I feel like tonight I found exactly what I was looking for. 503 00:21:47,975 --> 00:21:50,060 ♪ It's not sane ♪ 504 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,311 - Hey. 505 00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,398 So I haven't been much help packing tonight. 506 00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:56,567 Hit me with a box. 507 00:21:56,567 --> 00:21:58,819 - I don't know why you did what you did, but that's not what a friend does. 508 00:21:58,819 --> 00:22:00,487 [thunder cracks] 509 00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:04,199 [electricity fizzling] [exasperated groans] 510 00:22:04,199 --> 00:22:07,744 ELLEN: Okay, fine. It's a hurricane. 511 00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:10,414 ♪ I don't understand ♪ 512 00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:14,376 ♪ Why I sleep all day ♪ 513 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,546 ♪ And I start to complain ♪ 514 00:22:17,546 --> 00:22:20,674 ♪ That there's no rain ♪ 515 00:22:22,593 --> 00:22:25,304 ♪ All I can do ♪ 516 00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:28,807 ♪ Is read a book to stay awake ♪ 517 00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:32,311 ♪ And it rips my life away ♪ 518 00:22:32,311 --> 00:22:35,522 ♪ But it's a great escape ♪ 519 00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:39,985 ♪ Escape ♪