1 00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:03,351 Previously on "You Me Her"... 2 00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:04,656 You did this, Em. 3 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:07,050 I said I love it, and I love you. 4 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,183 Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed. 5 00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,749 Is it possible that the amount of "whelm" 6 00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,273 that you're feeling is due in part 7 00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,752 to the magazine thing? 8 00:00:13,796 --> 00:00:15,145 You think you could call it "the magazine" 9 00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:16,886 and not "the magazine thing"? 10 00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:20,107 Woman: Have you guys talked about some version of childcare? 11 00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:22,457 We're more talking about talking about it. 12 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,459 Men suck. That's my thesis. 13 00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:26,243 Mm-hmm, okay. Jot this one down -- 14 00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:27,897 uh, we're confused. 15 00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:30,334 The vexing plight of the millennial male. 16 00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:32,075 It is our two-month anniversary. 17 00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,816 The things I'm gonna to do to you when we get home. 18 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,993 Oh, what a shame. I don't sleep with married women. 19 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,603 Uh, so this is a bit awkward, 20 00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:41,084 but you postponed the last two scheduled signings, 21 00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,391 and I just wanna make sure that we're still on for Monday. 22 00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:46,089 Cool. Cool, cool, coolio. 23 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,091 You seriously need to stop worrying about the Trakarskies 24 00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,658 and start sorting your own shit. 25 00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,703 -You saw your dad? How was that? -Hey there, peanut. 26 00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,314 Go the fuck away. 27 00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:55,925 I texted Emma that Jack and I would be out of the loft 28 00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,492 all day so she can come deal with all the shit 29 00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:58,362 that we've been storing. 30 00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,886 -Hey. -Hey. 31 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:06,979 ♪♪ 32 00:01:07,023 --> 00:01:13,073 ♪♪ 33 00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:14,726 Izzy said you wouldn't be here. 34 00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:16,685 Oh, you talked to Izzy? 35 00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:18,556 Yeah, she texted me, said you'd both be gone 36 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,777 so I could deal with all my shit you've been storing. 37 00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:25,346 See, she, uh -- she left a key. 38 00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:29,741 Okay, could you guys give us some, uh... 39 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,309 When did they leave? [ Chuckles ] 40 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,795 [ Chuckles ] 41 00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:42,841 Well, I have a question.Oh, good, 42 00:01:42,884 --> 00:01:45,844 'cause another 10 seconds of this excruciating silence, 43 00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,846 and I was gonna fake an aneurysm. 44 00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:50,806 [ Laughs ] 45 00:01:50,848 --> 00:01:54,375 Ah. Um, did Izzy not know you'd be here? 46 00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:57,682 Of course she knew I'd be here. I... 47 00:01:57,726 --> 00:01:59,119 Oh. 48 00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,425 Did we just get "Parent Trapped"? 49 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:02,774 Apparently. 50 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,559 Why would she do that? 51 00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:07,692 I think she wants us to scream 52 00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:09,303 and throws things at each other, 53 00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,739 like I need that to move on. 54 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,219 Well, do you need that? 55 00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,569 'Cause you can lob something right at my head. 56 00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:16,397 No. 57 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,094 I'm good. 58 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,881 We're good. Me and Izzy. 59 00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:26,885 Um, I actually have a pretty packed schedule. 60 00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:28,931 I got a lot of errands to run, just so you know. 61 00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,759 What? On a Saturday? 62 00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:33,153 After watching basketball and drinking beer? 63 00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:34,850 Well, that's new. 64 00:02:34,893 --> 00:02:37,896 Mm, it's all-new, Em. 65 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,637 Everything. 66 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,684 Hm. So you really are good, the two of you? 67 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:45,991 You're happy? 68 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:50,648 I love her more than I ever thought possible. 69 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,389 Aww. 70 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,478 That's awesome. 71 00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:57,089 That really makes me happy. 72 00:02:57,133 --> 00:03:06,186 ♪♪ 73 00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,970 Augh! 74 00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:10,233 Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls. 75 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:11,930 Uh, maybe stop calling? 76 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:13,193 Aw, come on, peanut. 77 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,542 I told you not to call me that. 78 00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:16,631 -Let's not -- -How did you find me? 79 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:17,719 Your mom. 80 00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:18,894 Mom? Yeah. 81 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,765 Mom told you where I live? 82 00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:25,117 Yeah, she did. She thinks we should talk. 83 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,946 Isabelle. [ Sighs ] 84 00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,731 Did I invite you to my side of the street? 85 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,689 No, I didn't. Go away! 86 00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:34,039 Well, I'm not gonna... [ Sighs ] 87 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,084 I'm sober. 88 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,651 Can't say the same. 89 00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,478 Just downed a couple medicinal bloodies to even out. 90 00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:41,177 You know what I'm saying? Never mind. I know you do. 91 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:45,268 No. I don't mean right now. I mean I'm sober. 92 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:50,534 [ Sighs ] 93 00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:51,796 Really? 94 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,277 Yep. 95 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,670 How long? 96 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,106 Little over a year. 97 00:03:57,149 --> 00:03:58,673 Wow. 98 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,675 Only 26 years too late. 99 00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:04,592 [ Sighs ] 100 00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:08,552 -Traffic okay? -Uh, yeah, I used this app. 101 00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:10,728 Left at precisely the optimal time 102 00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:13,949 to minimize both departure and arrival, so... 103 00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,038 Wow. 104 00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:18,649 I know. Amazing. 105 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:22,174 What's it called? 106 00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,394 Um, I don't know off the top of my head, 107 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:25,874 but I could get my phone. 108 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,615 Actually, I couldn't care less. [ Chuckles ] 109 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,574 Just couldn't think of anything else to say. 110 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,489 So, how's everything else going with you? 111 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,317 I mean, aside from being more in love 112 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,840 than you ever thought possible. 113 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:37,886 Well, it'd be easier for me 114 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,496 to make a list of the parts of my body 115 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,759 that don't ache from all the dancing I've been doing. 116 00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:47,461 Like, my hair and... that's about it actually. 117 00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:48,940 You -- You dance now? 118 00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:51,334 Oh, yeah. Publicly. 119 00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,336 And we're on the highly-unrecommended 120 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,860 vodka, pot, and delivery food diet. 121 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,080 [ Chuckles ] 122 00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,648 But I get to wake up every morning, look at her, 123 00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:03,912 and fall in love all over again, so there's that. 124 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:08,090 Huh. Mm-hmm. 125 00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,962 So, how's, uh, things with what's-her-name? 126 00:05:11,006 --> 00:05:12,703 Smiley? 127 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,530 Wiley? 128 00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,575 Kylie. 129 00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:15,445 Kylie. 130 00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,229 [ Chuckles ] 131 00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:18,535 She is awesome. 132 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:19,710 Mm. 133 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,233 "Smiley," really? 134 00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,192 That's a name. Yeah? 135 00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,933 Totally gonna name my first-born daughter 136 00:05:24,976 --> 00:05:26,238 "Smiley Jane Trakarksy." 137 00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,718 Yeah, assuming you want her 138 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:29,459 to grow up to be a deformed comic-book villain. 139 00:05:29,503 --> 00:05:31,113 [ Chuckles ] 140 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:35,204 ♪♪ 141 00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:38,294 So, the lesbian thing is working out for you? 142 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,993 Um, it is -- it is -- it is going very well. 143 00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:47,042 Thank you for asking. 144 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:48,565 Can we take a second just to acknowledge 145 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,001 how weird this conversation is? 146 00:05:50,045 --> 00:05:51,568 I mean, did you ever imagine that -- 147 00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,875 No, Em. 148 00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,225 This is not what I imagined. 149 00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,096 At all. 150 00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,576 Yeah. 151 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,753 Can you give me five minutes without storming off? 152 00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:07,671 [ Sighs ] Okay, four? 153 00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:10,805 I'm getting my shit together, Isabelle. 154 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,808 I'm here for a pretty major construction project. 155 00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,593 I'm managing a bigger crew than I ever have before. 156 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:18,639 It's "Izzy." Don't call me "Isabelle." 157 00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:22,120 Right, Izzy. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying I've changed. 158 00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:24,732 Here's a thought -- what if you gave up the bottle too late 159 00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:26,386 and you just suddenly die right in front of me 160 00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,996 and that's why you're here -- karmic justice? 161 00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:29,258 [ Laughs ] 162 00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,781 I'm imagining you dropping dead. 163 00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,130 Why are you laughing? 164 00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,741 Because you're funny when you try to be mean. 165 00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:35,743 Oh, my God. 166 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:39,486 Uh, it's mid-Swedish modernalism.Mm, nope. 167 00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:42,793 "Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing, and "modernalism" isn't a word. 168 00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:46,623 Mm, my original Jorgen Erikson -- 169 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,451 the first furniture acquisition 170 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:51,976 I could honestly refer to as a piece. 171 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,109 It was way more than we could afford. [Chuckles] 172 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:56,372 Yeah, we had to sleep on a mattress on the floor 173 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,852 for six months so you could buy that. 174 00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,941 No, we slept on a mattress for six months 175 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:02,770 because you couldn't figure out how to build the IKEA bed frame. 176 00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:05,990 As I recall, neither could the architect. 177 00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,950 Pretty sure the Swedes are fucking with us. 178 00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,475 I haven't looked through this stuff. 179 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:15,043 Are you sure this is all yours? 180 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:21,963 ♪♪ 181 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:29,536 ♪♪ 182 00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:32,974 Alex: Okay, so, I stuck my widget in your launch pad. 183 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,019 Whoa! He stuck your what in my what? 184 00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:36,673 Buy a girl a drink first. 185 00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:39,459 I...you -- the -- [clears throat] 186 00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:40,721 The, uh -- 187 00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:42,026 Oh, that's great. You broke Alex. 188 00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,419 Well, you gotta flex the muscles, babe. 189 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,855 Use 'em or lose 'em. 190 00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:48,076 It's, uh, cloud-based, and, uh, mm...whew! 191 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,294 [ Chuckles ] 192 00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:51,253 And now he's reverted to puberty. 193 00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:53,429 So we can all access the files, 194 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,518 and we can see the layout in progress, 195 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,521 get notes on the page like...this. 196 00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:01,785 Oh, God, Alex, you're amazing. 197 00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:06,094 Th-Thank you so much. [ Chuckles ] 198 00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,444 Oh, uh, hey, Carmen. 199 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,141 When did -- When did you get here? 200 00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:11,708 [ Door opens, closes ]Unbelievable. 201 00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,667 Hey, Carm. 202 00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:14,668 Hey. 203 00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,582 Hey. Hey, Hannah. 204 00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:19,803 Oh, you got a little, uh...adolescent male on your shirt there. 205 00:08:19,847 --> 00:08:22,327 Oh, Alex works for the printing company. 206 00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:23,546 He's 24. 207 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,635 -Great. -People are still 24? 208 00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,942 And you're doing earmuffs on him like he's some sort of child. 209 00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,161 That's great. Do you guys have an HR department yet, or...? 210 00:08:30,205 --> 00:08:32,163 -Mnh-mnh. -I don't mind. [ Chuckles ] 211 00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,296 Okay, so, what's wrong? What's going on? 212 00:08:34,338 --> 00:08:37,517 Thing's kinda went south pretty fast over there. 213 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,256 Like, Deep South. Like Alabama. 214 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,042 Things went Alabama over there. 215 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,609 I left the house 40 minutes ago. 216 00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:44,567 I know. It was all very sudden. 217 00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,308 I'm gonna go ahead and blame the uprising on hunger, 218 00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:48,440 because we are literally out of everything. 219 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,312 Hey. Why don't you and I take a break? 220 00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,574 Give this two some space. 221 00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,402 For sure. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ] 222 00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:57,014 -Bye. -Bye...Alex. 223 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,582 He only intermittently knows I exist, 224 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,628 but he melts into a puddle every time Hannah speaks. 225 00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,108 Can we get back to the Amari famine of 2018 please? 226 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,371 Right. Right, okay, well, listen close, 227 00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,374 because this is incredibly useful information. 228 00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:12,464 There are these large, regulated establishments 229 00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,597 filled with every type of food you can possibly imagine, 230 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,164 and if you can't find something, 231 00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:18,775 kindly Samaritans with name tags will guide you. 232 00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:20,124 That's very clever. 233 00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,344 Now, if I go to this magical place, 234 00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:24,302 can I leave the kids here?Absolutely not! 235 00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,869 Okay, so then, how does that work? 236 00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:29,090 [ Groaning ] 237 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,353 Oh, you're doing the thing where you... 238 00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,747 wanna say something, but your mouth is sealed shut, 239 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:36,445 and your eyebrows are dancing. 240 00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,273 I mean, you've taken the kids to the store 241 00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:39,622 countless times, right? 242 00:09:39,665 --> 00:09:41,493 Somehow we all keep coming back alive! 243 00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,234 You think I like coming over here like some hapless Neanderthal? 244 00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,715 I am very disappointed with myself right now! 245 00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:47,848 This is hard. 246 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,766 Well, that's a start. 247 00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,420 Yeah? 248 00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:58,685 Well, what's going on here? Are you coming home soon-ish? 249 00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:02,166 I will come home when I'm done-ish, just like you. 250 00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,734 Okay. 251 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,475 Mm. 252 00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:08,564 Go to the store with your children. 253 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,913 Women will swoon. 254 00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:11,436 Intriguing. 255 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,047 Trust me. Super-fucking hot. 256 00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:13,961 All right, go. Hop to. 257 00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,353 Back to work, people! 258 00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:18,966 ♪♪ 259 00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,663 Are you gonna do your ceremonial breath cleaning 260 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,144 of a single glass, or is now a bad time? 261 00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:26,364 Okay, so the experiment's definitely gonna need what we call controls. 262 00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,931 Yeah, no, I'm familiar with the concept. 263 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,933 That means we need to keep a lot of things the same 264 00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,892 so that we can accurately measure the differences 265 00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,676 between my test subjects. 266 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,896 Yeah. [ Chuckles ] 267 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,854 Did you just womansplain me? 268 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,074 Is that too soon? 269 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,424 Way too fuckin' soon. 270 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,034 So, I'm thinking that I should meet all of my dates 271 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,254 the same way and go to the same place with them. 272 00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:49,344 I was thinking a dating app and right here, 273 00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:50,954 not too late, not too early. 274 00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:52,477 Those are the controls. 275 00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:53,653 Right here? 276 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,089 Yeah, you got a problem with that? 277 00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,352 No, no. Date on, Garth. 278 00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:01,617 Date like nobody's watching', huh? 279 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,401 Date -- Date till the cows come home. 280 00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:04,751 Date like... 281 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,970 Did you hit your head on that same shelf again? 282 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,711 ♪♪ 283 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:11,235 Boom! First date's gonna be tomorrow night. 284 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,715 Okay, well, someone's a little sure of themselves. 285 00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,369 So, one cleavage shot, 286 00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,806 and all the men of Portland are instantly reduced 287 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:19,679 to horny, right-swiping zombies? Come on. 288 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,419 [ Cellphone chimes ] 289 00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,420 Well, that's just... 290 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:26,163 [ Cellphone chiming ] 291 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,731 Well, co--[ Chiming continues ] 292 00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,428 I'm sorry. What did you say? 293 00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,648 I-I can't hear you over the teeming horde 294 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,345 of lustful suitors. 295 00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,347 Okay -- The --[ Chiming continues ] 296 00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,568 The point is -- How about you -- 297 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:42,310 [ Chiming continues ] 298 00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:44,355 Never mind. 299 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,880 [ Chuckles ] Oh, my God, this guy's dressed like a wizard. 300 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:52,059 Shaun, look. Shaun? 301 00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,800 Shaun? 302 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,366 Hmm. Maybe. 303 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,107 [ Birds chirping ] 304 00:11:57,151 --> 00:12:01,111 I don't know about you, but I could eat. 305 00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:03,026 Um...yeah, I don't think -- 306 00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:04,593 We don't have anything here, but... 307 00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,203 That's fine....we could get delivery or something? 308 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,552 I'm sorry. That was a bad idea. 309 00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:11,121 It's not a party. Let's just, um... 310 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,644 Oh, my God. Why do we have 311 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:16,170 23 perfectly-good sets of ear buds? 312 00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:19,608 And 19 half-burned holiday candles. 313 00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,784 You'd think just once we would look for leftovers. 314 00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,308 Can I please light all the pumpkin spice candles for Izzy? 315 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,527 Best or worst idea ever? 316 00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:26,876 [ Scoffs ] 317 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,313 It's kinda -- Wh-What does that mean? Huff? 318 00:12:29,357 --> 00:12:32,708 I mean, what the fuck is that? 319 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:33,753 Are you serious? 320 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:36,886 Yeah. 321 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:39,106 Izzy set this up. It's what she wanted. 322 00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,760 You think this is what she wanted -- 323 00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,893 for us to continue not talking about it? 324 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:48,419 Trade quips about ear buds and fucking holiday candles? 325 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:50,944 I was just...trying to --You know what? 326 00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:54,295 We can just have the movers take the rest of this stuff. 327 00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:57,602 You should go. 328 00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:02,607 ♪♪ 329 00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:04,261 Okay. 330 00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:10,354 ♪♪ 331 00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,400 Make your amends and go away already. 332 00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:15,882 Okay, well, I-I called you when I got my one-month chip 333 00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:17,884 and then my three-month chip and then my one-year -- 334 00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,712 I heard the messages. I just assumed you were lying. 335 00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,366 Uh, n-no. 336 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,499 Not to rub it in or anything. 337 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,283 It's kinda hard to work construction 338 00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,459 if you can't handle the concept of other people drinking. 339 00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:31,158 Cool, 'cause those bloodies are starting to wear off, 340 00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:34,596 and this surprise visit of yours is accelerating my headache. 341 00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:36,641 Guess it's 4:00 somewhere. 342 00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,643 Are you suggesting that I'm an alcoholic like you? 343 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,123 No. 344 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:41,646 You know, you can't just drop back into my adult life 345 00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:42,865 and parent me. 346 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,867 Okay, fine. Fine. Understood. 347 00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,956 I just want a chance to be -- 348 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:47,914 What? 349 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,437 [ Sighs ] I don't know. 350 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:53,571 Whatever you'll let me be, I guess. 351 00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,095 Well, here's a tip -- 352 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,836 Don't do the annoying 12-step thing 353 00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:58,228 where everybody has to get into 354 00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,840 the same rickety, joyless boat as you. 355 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,885 You're right. What? 356 00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,540 I said you're right. I won't. 357 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:08,064 Good! 358 00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:12,939 ♪♪ 359 00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:16,899 You know what? No. 360 00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,292 "No" what? 361 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,294 I'm not leaving. 362 00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,644 Oh, and this? 363 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:25,342 This is mine. 364 00:14:25,386 --> 00:14:26,604 What is that? 365 00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:27,997 That is the kind of mix a guy makes 366 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,781 when he's trying to prove that he's too cool 367 00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,783 to listen to music anyone else has ever heard of. 368 00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,655 Okay, 'cause I originally got that 369 00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,091 from a philosophy grad assistant 370 00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:36,788 who I dated for like five minutes. 371 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:41,881 So, you remixed me, and you never came clean about it? 372 00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:45,623 Yeah. That was mybig secret. 373 00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,323 Right. 374 00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:56,112 I'm sorry, Jack. 375 00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,158 I really am sorry. 376 00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:11,823 You know that was the only baby gift we got 377 00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,869 before the miscarriage? 378 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,924 First time I... 379 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:27,796 I thought the universe was trying to tell me something. 380 00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:37,414 Izzy's right. We need to talk. 381 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,422 Yeah. 382 00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:51,646 Could you clear something up for me? 383 00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,169 I mean, it's not big deal. 384 00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,171 Just a vexing mystery of my entire existence. 385 00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:58,087 Yeah, piece of cake. Shoot. 386 00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,828 If you and Mom hated each other so much, 387 00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,482 why did you get married? 388 00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:04,615 We didn't start out hating each other. 389 00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:07,749 Things got dark after I lost my job. 390 00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,970 That's your excuse? 391 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,623 It had nothing to do with the excessive drinking 392 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,712 or the affairs? 393 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:17,802 I'm an alcoholic, and I was a shitty father. 394 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:20,457 And while I'm laying it all out there, 395 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,242 your mother and I were never really in love, 396 00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:23,939 so when things got a little rough... 397 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,421 That's nice....we took it out on each other. 398 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,075 I only stayed for you. 399 00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,081 Well, I guess you got over me. 400 00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,344 Was it the braces? Zits? 401 00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:41,087 Something I said? 402 00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,611 When I left, I-I told myself that it was 403 00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,787 the best thing for you. 404 00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:48,224 But now I realize that I was just doing 405 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,052 what drunks do when things get hard. 406 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,969 I ran away. 407 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:59,409 And I know they're just words, but I need to say them. 408 00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:03,065 I'm sorry. 409 00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:08,027 [ Voice breaking ] And you will never know how much, Izzy. 410 00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:11,638 ♪♪ 411 00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,728 There's one more stop. 412 00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:20,865 ♪♪ 413 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:23,694 Hey. Hi, hi. Hello. 414 00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:26,001 Um, this, what you're doing -- 415 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,568 It's against FDA rules, okay? 416 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,352 Something about saliva 417 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,572 and the fact that it's fucking annoying. 418 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,095 Yeah, so if you guys don't stop immediately, 419 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,662 I'm gonna have to punch you both in the face, 420 00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,185 and I don't wanna. 421 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:38,883 Sorry. It's the law, so... 422 00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,494 Sorry. Shaun, what do you want? 423 00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,278 I'm not in the mood to be berated about how little I work. 424 00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,454 Okay, for the record, you basically get paid 425 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:47,240 to hang around at a bar that you already hung around at. 426 00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:48,676 Which, saying it out loud, 427 00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,504 makes me think that it's a pretty cool idea. 428 00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:53,681 Hey, and you and your bestie have violence issues! 429 00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:56,423 Deal with it. Get a Groupon. 430 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,432 What's wrong? 431 00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,869 Fucker keeps posting these weird pictures 432 00:18:07,912 --> 00:18:09,653 of him and his dad somewhere in the woods, 433 00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:11,133 smiling all over themselves. 434 00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,570 Why the hell are they in the woods all the time?! 435 00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:16,138 Right, I-I'm thinking it's not so much the woods 436 00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:18,749 as it is the excessive smiling. 437 00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:19,924 Am I right? 438 00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:22,101 I mean, how dare he be so happy? 439 00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,190 Ow! You gotta stop doing that! 440 00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,322 You got these bony, little knuckles. 441 00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:30,370 Pussy. Psycho. 442 00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,634 Okay. 443 00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:36,419 My best, most logical guess is that... 444 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:39,161 clearly a zombie outbreak has happened 445 00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,510 somewhere near Salem, Oregon, 446 00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,512 and they've taken to the woods to survive. 447 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,862 And it's all shits and giggles 448 00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:47,082 for, you know, dad and son here, 449 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,693 and they're just shitting and -- and giggling 450 00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,695 and building lean-tos until someone's face 451 00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:54,829 gets eaten off, which... 452 00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:59,312 clearly hasn't happened yet, and that's why they're there, so... 453 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,140 Mystery solved. Occam's razor. 454 00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:02,706 You're welcome. Next. 455 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:05,492 [ Chuckles ] You are so fuckin' weird. 456 00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:10,105 ♪♪ 457 00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,369 [ Chuckles ] 458 00:19:13,413 --> 00:19:16,590 It's cute. Mm. 459 00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:21,072 If you'd ask me a year ago where would we be right now, 460 00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:23,684 I would've said, "On your favorite rug 461 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:26,687 in our perfect Hawthorne Heights home, 462 00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,341 staring at our baby, 463 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:31,082 interpreting every burp or shit 464 00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,780 as a sure sign of future greatness." 465 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,260 [ Chuckles ] Yeah. 466 00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,783 We would've been that couple 467 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:38,002 posting a hundred indistinguishable baby photos 468 00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:41,310 on Instagram when really one would be just boring enough. 469 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:44,748 [ Chuckles ] 470 00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,491 When did you stop wanting kids? 471 00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,058 There wasn't one moment. 472 00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:53,583 It just kinda happened gradually over the years. 473 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:58,675 Ever consider talking to me about it? 474 00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:02,113 I did. You just never heard me. 475 00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:06,857 So that's how you sleep at night. 476 00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,076 I've wondered. 477 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,425 Yeah, and how do you sleep at night 478 00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:10,905 ever since Izzy's high-functioning uterus 479 00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:12,863 became the center of your world? 480 00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:15,649 [ Sighs ] Please tell me I did not just fucking hear that. 481 00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:17,390 Hold on a sec. 482 00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,000 I don't get a side to this story? 483 00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,307 No. You absolutely, 100% do not. 484 00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,265 Jack, admit it -- it was just a matter of time 485 00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:25,006 before you and Izzy thought of me 486 00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,182 as the barren first wife who forget to leave. 487 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,358 No, you do not get to be the wounded one. 488 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,186 You fucking imposter. 489 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,145 "Imposter"? "Imposter" -- this from the guy 490 00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,539 who hands out mixes of songs he's never heard of. 491 00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:39,020 You hired an escort to get your groove back, 492 00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:40,543 and then you got down on your fucking knees 493 00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,066 and begged her to have your baby 494 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,807 right in front of your goddamn fucking wife. 495 00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,421 Bravo. Author, author. 496 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:50,031 Oh, my God, at least see an actual play 497 00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:51,380 before you toss around the jargon. 498 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:52,599 What about our marriage? Huh? 499 00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,817 I had a fucking front-row seat 500 00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:56,385 to that bullshit piece of theatre. 501 00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,561 Kudos on the surprise ending, by the way. 502 00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:01,216 Corporate jet and a six-line text? 503 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:04,654 That's fuckin' nice. 504 00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:07,135 Jesus, Emma, how could you do that to me? 505 00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:12,358 I can't do this with you right now. 506 00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,403 If you won't leave, I will. 507 00:21:15,404 --> 00:21:16,536 Jack. 508 00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,059 Jack! 509 00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:20,191 Just tell me what to do, what to say, how to fix it. 510 00:21:20,235 --> 00:21:21,932 I want to fix this.What do you want to do? 511 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,978 You want to be fucking friends? 512 00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:26,372 You want to double date, go to each other's weddings? 513 00:21:26,415 --> 00:21:28,112 Are you fucking kidding me? 514 00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:30,158 You are a delusional psychopath who only builds things 515 00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:31,855 to compensate for everything she destroys. 516 00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,683 Fuck you and your diagnosis of me. 517 00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:37,687 Fuck me? You owe me 12 fucking years. 518 00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:39,341 Fuck you! 519 00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:40,951 Fuck you! 520 00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:42,431 Fuck! 521 00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:44,651 [ Winces ] 522 00:21:44,694 --> 00:21:46,348 -I'm sorry. -Jesus. 523 00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,307 Oh, here. Here, let me take a look. 524 00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,396 [ Chuckles ] 525 00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,267 [ Groans ] 526 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,616 Are you... 527 00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:54,965 Yeah, I don't know. That's like some real 528 00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:56,706 "War of the Roses" type shit, except... 529 00:21:56,750 --> 00:22:01,450 -It was -- It was soft. -Softer. Yeah. 530 00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:03,060 Sorry. 531 00:22:03,104 --> 00:22:09,371 ♪♪ 532 00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,374 [ Chuckles ] 533 00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:15,638 ♪♪ 534 00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,597 So, you're having people over? 535 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,860 Nope. I'm consuming an extra-large pizza, 536 00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:21,862 a case of beer, and 29 bucks worth of candy 537 00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:23,603 all by myself. 538 00:22:23,646 --> 00:22:24,952 I call it "Saturday." 539 00:22:24,995 --> 00:22:26,910 Ah. 540 00:22:26,954 --> 00:22:30,653 So, what now, a-a hug? A shake? A high five? 541 00:22:30,697 --> 00:22:32,873 Uh, I'm good, but thanks. 542 00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:36,093 Ah. Thank you. 543 00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,748 Well, it's been a -- been a slice, Ben. 544 00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:41,360 S-Sorry. 545 00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:43,318 You sure you don't need a hand with that? 546 00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:46,539 No, I got it. It's not my first rodeo. 547 00:22:46,582 --> 00:22:48,018 Isabelle -- 548 00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:50,412 Please don't say something stupid and ruin it. 549 00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:53,459 "Don't ruin it"? 550 00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,591 So, you mean you thought this went well? 551 00:22:55,635 --> 00:22:57,898 See? Like -- Like that. 552 00:22:57,941 --> 00:22:59,552 Okay. 553 00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:04,252 You seriously still do that? 554 00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:05,862 [ Chuckles ] 555 00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,473 I gave you one for school, remember? 556 00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,736 Yeah.Well, I guess it worked. 557 00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:11,346 You didn't get kicked out like I did. 558 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:16,133 Actually, I did. Junior year. 559 00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:18,005 I didn't know that. 560 00:23:18,048 --> 00:23:21,269 There's a lot you don't know. 561 00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:24,925 Yeah. 562 00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:26,753 When do you have classes? 563 00:23:26,796 --> 00:23:30,060 I'm getting my PhD. I don't really have classes. 564 00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,236 Right. 565 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:37,590 But, uh...Monday I have a 10:00 with my advisor. 566 00:23:37,633 --> 00:23:40,244 Why? 567 00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:47,861 Why? 568 00:23:47,904 --> 00:23:50,211 [ Door closes ] 569 00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:56,347 ♪♪ 570 00:23:56,391 --> 00:24:02,441 ♪♪ 571 00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,620 What the fuck? 572 00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:10,971 ♪ I tried to meet you there, halfway ♪ 573 00:24:11,014 --> 00:24:14,148 ♪ I had to go such a long, long way ♪ 574 00:24:14,191 --> 00:24:17,368 ♪ Now, is it, is it a "yes" today? ♪ 575 00:24:17,412 --> 00:24:20,546 ♪ Now, I'm gonna keep moving on and on and ♪ 576 00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:23,549 ♪ Well, maybe you won't be... ♪ 577 00:24:23,592 --> 00:24:27,030 ♪ Oh, maybe you were phenom-enoma-- ♪ 578 00:24:27,074 --> 00:24:30,077 ♪ I tried to meet you there, halfway ♪ 579 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,515 ♪ Only to find that you were M.I.A. ♪ 580 00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:36,475 ♪ No reason why, no way ♪ 581 00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:39,434 ♪ No running into me on my way ♪