1 00:00:03,500 --> 00:00:09,208 It is our differences that make us special. 2 00:00:09,291 --> 00:00:15,291 So, to conclude, you are your greatest asset. 3 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,667 You are you. 4 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:28,458 That's the best speech by a returning alumni I've ever heard. 5 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:42,125 Hey. 6 00:00:45,041 --> 00:00:48,208 That well-structured but emotionally resonant piece of oratory 7 00:00:48,291 --> 00:00:50,041 made me remember how sexy you are. 8 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:52,834 Carrie! Carrie! 9 00:00:52,917 --> 00:00:57,500 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 10 00:00:57,583 --> 00:01:02,458 Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! 11 00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:06,583 - Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! - Carrie! 12 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,917 Carrie? 13 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,709 Carrie? 14 00:01:09,792 --> 00:01:12,083 I said, do you remember it being this small? 15 00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:14,041 I swear it was bigger when we were here. 16 00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:15,709 Maybe we've just grown up. 17 00:01:16,333 --> 00:01:17,333 Oh. 18 00:01:17,417 --> 00:01:18,625 - Crazy. - Crazy. 19 00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:19,750 Jinx! 20 00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:21,792 - Ow! - Dead arm! No taksies backsies! 21 00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:23,625 ♪ Don't fall in love with me yet ♪ 22 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,458 ♪ We only recently met ♪ 23 00:01:25,542 --> 00:01:27,041 ♪ True, I'm in love with you ♪ 24 00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:29,041 ♪ But you might decide I'm a nut ♪ 25 00:01:29,125 --> 00:01:30,375 ♪ Give me a week or two ♪ 26 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,959 ♪ To go absolutely cuckoo ♪ 27 00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:34,834 {\an8}♪ Then when you see your error ♪ 28 00:01:34,917 --> 00:01:36,458 ♪ Then you can flee the cuckoo ♪ 29 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:48,917 Attention, everybody. 30 00:01:49,750 --> 00:01:50,750 Thank you. 31 00:01:51,667 --> 00:01:56,458 Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45 with the head-girl speech. 32 00:01:56,542 --> 00:02:00,250 Then, subject awards, attendance awards, 33 00:02:00,333 --> 00:02:04,667 and finally, our closing keynote alumni. 34 00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:10,083 Now, while I have you all here, may I remind all parents that... 35 00:02:10,166 --> 00:02:12,417 Michael! 36 00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:17,125 Powers are not permitted on school premises. 37 00:02:17,208 --> 00:02:19,542 Get down. 38 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,000 - Wanker. - I heard... 39 00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:28,083 I heard that. 40 00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:37,667 So, I'm getting the outstanding achievement award, 41 00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:40,083 and Carrie's doing the alumni speech. 42 00:02:40,166 --> 00:02:41,417 What are you doing, Jen? 43 00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,500 I'm doing your dad. 44 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:44,250 - Mary, I swear, I... - Ian, I know. 45 00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:48,291 Jen has the very important job this evening of supporting her family. 46 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,834 - Do we trust Jen with important jobs? - Well, your dad does. 47 00:02:50,917 --> 00:02:52,768 Because I'm giving him blow jobs. I'm blowing him. 48 00:02:52,792 --> 00:02:54,250 - Mary, I didn't touch... - Shut up. 49 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,583 Jesus, there's Susan. Shut up about blowing each other. 50 00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,643 - Who's Susan? - Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique. 51 00:02:58,667 --> 00:03:00,792 - I told her you can read minds. - What? 52 00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:02,792 I told her you can read minds. 53 00:03:02,875 --> 00:03:04,625 Susan, hello! 54 00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:06,917 How do you stay so young-looking? 55 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,583 We'll be mistaking you for one of the students next. 56 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:12,250 But you know, one of the sexy ones. 57 00:03:18,208 --> 00:03:22,041 Andy, congratulations again. Greenwich Conservatoire? 58 00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:23,750 - Incredible. - Yes. 59 00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:26,333 And this must be Jen. 60 00:03:34,709 --> 00:03:36,583 Oh. 61 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:39,542 Yeah, good one. 62 00:03:39,625 --> 00:03:40,667 What do you mean? 63 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,625 Good one. 64 00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:44,709 Yeah, very funny. 65 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,959 You think it's funny that I was asking 66 00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:49,291 if you knew that Mrs Henderson had passed away? 67 00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:55,875 I… 68 00:03:55,959 --> 00:04:00,333 Oh, I can see Flo waving at me. I better… 69 00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:04,500 - Why did you tell her I could read minds? - I thought it sounded impressive. 70 00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:07,458 It's better than explaining your whole situation. 71 00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:11,000 Jen, look. I know you're riddled with fear and anxiety. 72 00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,875 Feelings of shame around your changing body. 73 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,476 - That's not what I'm feeling. - Sorry. 74 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:18,375 It's hard to differentiate in groups. Especially teenagers. 75 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:21,583 No, no, no. That's not normal. 76 00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:25,291 Someone is bursting at the emotional seams in here. 77 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000 I'm trained in mental-health first aid. 78 00:04:29,625 --> 00:04:31,750 - I must find them. - What are you doing? 79 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:36,458 If I lose one sense, the others get sharper. 80 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:38,750 I feel you. 81 00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:41,542 ♪ It's new world now Don't discriminate ♪ 82 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:44,709 ♪ Everyone is equally A master and a slave ♪ 83 00:04:44,792 --> 00:04:46,583 ♪ It's new world now Don't discriminate… ♪ 84 00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:51,125 "Every day, I get to meet people from all walks of life. From kids…" 85 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:55,959 What would make this evening go from unbearable to just about bearable? 86 00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:58,834 Humility and the support of good friends. 87 00:04:58,917 --> 00:05:00,834 Close. Getting shit-faced. 88 00:05:01,917 --> 00:05:04,166 Where are you gonna find drinks in a school? 89 00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:05,959 Right where we left them. 90 00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:08,250 The stash. 91 00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:10,959 The stash. 92 00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:14,583 ♪ Do you want me to ♪ 93 00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,542 ♪ Do you need me to ♪ 94 00:05:18,458 --> 00:05:20,125 ♪ Do you choose me to ♪ 95 00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:22,583 ♪ Break the rules with you ♪ 96 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,375 Really think no one's found it after all these years? 97 00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:30,291 {\an8}Where do you put something you don't want disturbed in a Catholic school? 98 00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:40,667 Thank you, Jesus. 99 00:05:52,291 --> 00:05:53,291 Jesus. 100 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,500 I don't know. I-I should stay sharp for my speech. 101 00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:57,834 And it's a weeknight. 102 00:05:57,917 --> 00:05:58,917 Oh, come on. 103 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,750 It's just sad if I make poor decisions by myself. 104 00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,166 For me? 105 00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:06,959 Ah, class. Fags. 106 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:08,500 Hello? 107 00:06:09,625 --> 00:06:12,375 We're closing up this corridor. Is anyone there? 108 00:06:18,625 --> 00:06:21,000 - I think it's Rebecca Baxter. - Rebecca Baxter? 109 00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:24,291 Rebecca "personally gave half of our year eating disorders" Baxter? 110 00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:25,750 All the spit just left my mouth. 111 00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,476 I always thought when I'd run into an old bully, 112 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:30,500 I'd be able to rub something in their face, but I've got nothing. 113 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:32,333 What if she makes me cry? 114 00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:35,583 Never let a predator smell your fear. Come on, quick. Make yourself big. 115 00:06:38,417 --> 00:06:41,250 Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan? 116 00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:43,125 Oh, my God. 117 00:06:45,458 --> 00:06:47,709 It has been so long. 118 00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:51,709 How have you guys been? You look so good. 119 00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:53,250 Why are you here? 120 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:54,750 I work here. I'm a teacher. 121 00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,750 Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now? 122 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,625 You were always so funny, Jen. 123 00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:03,417 So, what have you guys been up to? 124 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,375 Oh, God. Duh. What did you get? 125 00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:06,542 Conduit for the dead. 126 00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:09,834 Spooky. Kinda similar actually. I can revisit memories. 127 00:07:10,625 --> 00:07:13,000 What about you, Jen? I bet it's something really cool. 128 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,375 What is your deal? Hmm? Why are you being so nice? 129 00:07:15,458 --> 00:07:17,458 Did you become some weird kind of Christian, 130 00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:19,083 or... or are you dying? What is it? 131 00:07:21,083 --> 00:07:26,834 Honestly, when I got my power, I would go back and watch myself, and… 132 00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:29,542 Oh, boy. Yeah. 133 00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:33,166 So, it turns out, being able to replay all the terrible things you've ever done 134 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:35,250 makes you rethink some stuff. 135 00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:38,375 - So I'm nice now. - Prove it. 136 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,166 Well, it's, like, more of a general state of being. 137 00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:43,875 - I don't know how to... - Money. You could give us money. 138 00:07:43,959 --> 00:07:45,709 Um, yeah, all right. 139 00:07:48,291 --> 00:07:51,000 - I've actually only got a 20. - Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep. 140 00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:52,083 Thank you. 141 00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:55,709 Carrie, are you okay? You seem a bit tense. 142 00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:58,250 I-I've got some camomile tea in the staff room. 143 00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,667 - Let me make you a cup? - Okay. 144 00:08:00,750 --> 00:08:03,000 Great, great. It-It's just down the hall. 145 00:08:26,458 --> 00:08:28,041 You gonna be much longer? 146 00:08:28,583 --> 00:08:33,000 I don't know. How long does it take to wash off the stain of cowardice? 147 00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:35,250 Have you tried scrubbing it? 148 00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:36,333 Leave me alone. 149 00:08:36,417 --> 00:08:38,166 I'd quite like my bed back. 150 00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:39,709 I'll get out when I'm ready. 151 00:08:41,834 --> 00:08:43,083 When will that be? 152 00:08:43,166 --> 00:08:46,792 When I no longer feel the cruel sting of sadness. 153 00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:51,083 So, like, five minutes? 154 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,750 ♪ Looking for my place On assembly lines… ♪ 155 00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:08,375 Jesus. 156 00:09:08,458 --> 00:09:10,834 ♪ Smoke rings blow From across the disco ♪ 157 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,709 Why is your mum sending me outfit options 158 00:09:13,792 --> 00:09:15,417 for the family Christmas card? 159 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:16,792 She still thinks we're together. 160 00:09:16,875 --> 00:09:19,434 I haven't even told her about not getting into the Conservatoire yet. 161 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:21,583 I can't tell her that we've broken up as well. 162 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,709 - Well, it's not my problem. - I know! 163 00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:29,250 Sort yourself out. 164 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:39,625 Fuck! 165 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,834 - What are you doing in here? - I was having a really quiet pooh. 166 00:09:47,917 --> 00:09:50,101 - What did you hear? - You didn't get into the Conservatoire. 167 00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:52,709 - You've been lying to everyone. - I haven't. 168 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:55,125 Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you? 169 00:09:55,208 --> 00:09:58,959 I knew this power would come back to bite you in your freakishly strong arse. 170 00:10:02,125 --> 00:10:03,458 Are you okay? 171 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,333 "Are you okay?" 172 00:10:05,417 --> 00:10:07,041 Yeah, I'm okay. 173 00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:09,083 At least I have something in my life to ruin. 174 00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:10,766 What is the worst-case scenario for you? 175 00:10:10,792 --> 00:10:12,518 The funeral home stops selling your foundation? 176 00:10:12,542 --> 00:10:15,917 Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway? Did you break her fanny? 177 00:10:18,083 --> 00:10:20,625 - Did you break her fanny? - It was a hairline pelvic fracture. 178 00:10:20,709 --> 00:10:23,417 Oh, my God! You finger-blasted your girlfriend into the hospital. 179 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,417 - This is the best day of my life. - You are such a fucking child. 180 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,959 - I'm gonna tell Mum. - Don't tell Mum. Please. 181 00:10:31,125 --> 00:10:32,709 I'll do whatever you want. 182 00:10:33,917 --> 00:10:36,500 - Whatever I want. - Well, not sex stuff. Ew. 183 00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:39,000 - Oh, my God. - I didn't say sex stuff. Gross. 184 00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:41,226 - It came out in a really nonce-y tone. - I'll tell you what. 185 00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:42,970 Never call me a nonce again. That's a start. 186 00:10:43,959 --> 00:10:45,250 Hello. 187 00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,375 - Me again. - Why didn't I lock the door? 188 00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:49,667 I'm gonna cheer you up. 189 00:10:50,291 --> 00:10:51,417 What are you hiding? 190 00:10:52,458 --> 00:10:53,542 The brush. 191 00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:55,625 Put it down. 192 00:10:55,709 --> 00:10:58,583 One of the few things I remember from the cat times: 193 00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,959 Getting the brush, pure bliss. 194 00:11:01,041 --> 00:11:02,959 - Don't brush me! - Relax. 195 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:05,959 The brush is very powerful. 196 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,875 No, I said don't... d-don't brush me! 197 00:11:13,041 --> 00:11:14,041 Oh. 198 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,083 - It's actually quite nice. - Shh. 199 00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:20,792 No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy? 200 00:11:22,709 --> 00:11:25,834 - Me. - And good boys get the brush. 201 00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,417 Mmm. 202 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:30,500 What the fuck! Stop. 203 00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:32,351 - You don't like the brush? - No, it's fucking weird. 204 00:11:32,375 --> 00:11:33,976 - Then what makes you happy? - I don't know! 205 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,333 Everyone always yells at me for not knowing stuff, 206 00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:38,476 but how am I supposed to know if people won't tell me? 207 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:39,583 Penguins. 208 00:11:41,709 --> 00:11:43,750 I like videos of penguins falling over. 209 00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:46,709 It's what makes me happy. 210 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,917 You will do anything I say, or I'm telling. 211 00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:58,959 Girls, Susan has this great story about Tesco. 212 00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,166 It's... It's mad. 213 00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:02,667 Go on. 214 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:07,166 I thought something was full price, and when I got to the till it was reduced. 215 00:12:20,959 --> 00:12:22,458 Oh, Jesus! 216 00:12:23,583 --> 00:12:25,959 It's like Richard Pryor never died. 217 00:12:26,792 --> 00:12:30,000 - Where did you two go to? - Just doing some sisterly bonding. 218 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,875 I'm so glad that you're here, Susan. 219 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:35,000 You know, Andy was just about to do the family dance. 220 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:38,375 Oh, it's been years since you've done the family dance. 221 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,059 - I'm not doing the family dance. - Oh, I wanna see the family dance. 222 00:12:41,083 --> 00:12:42,083 What's the family dance? 223 00:12:42,166 --> 00:12:44,917 It's a dance that Andy made up 224 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,000 when she was taking break-dancing lessons in primary. 225 00:12:48,083 --> 00:12:50,500 - You said you were too old for it. - I am. 226 00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:56,583 You're never too old for the magic of dance. 227 00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:58,417 Oh! 228 00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:31,792 Okay, that's... That's enough of that. Okay. 229 00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:45,125 Are you cold? 230 00:13:45,208 --> 00:13:46,208 No. 231 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,333 Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine. 232 00:13:48,417 --> 00:13:50,750 Oh, my God. Here. Just take... take my jumper. 233 00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:53,291 - No, no, no, no. - Take my jumper, you... 234 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,834 I'm sorry. Please take my jumper. 235 00:13:56,750 --> 00:13:57,917 But then you'll be cold. 236 00:13:58,667 --> 00:13:59,667 Here, take my jumper. 237 00:13:59,709 --> 00:14:01,542 - Don't be silly. - No, I insist. 238 00:14:01,625 --> 00:14:03,166 Okay, that's fine. 239 00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,709 - Okay. Sorry. Thank you. - Thank you. 240 00:14:10,291 --> 00:14:11,291 Thank you. 241 00:14:11,375 --> 00:14:14,625 I was so excited when they said you'd be back for the alumni speech. 242 00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:17,458 I was a little surprised they asked me. 243 00:14:17,542 --> 00:14:21,000 Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer. Why not you? 244 00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:24,917 Must be so weird to bump into Jen again. You guys were so close in school. 245 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,000 Oh, we still are. We... We live together. 246 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:28,667 Oh. 247 00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:31,166 You're surprised we're still friends? 248 00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:34,166 No. No, no, no. Not at all. No. 249 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,875 - Well, no. No, no, no. - What is it? 250 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,166 Do you not think that she was a bit of a drama queen 251 00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:42,166 and you had to live in her shadow a lot? 252 00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:44,250 I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just... 253 00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:48,959 I do try, but sometimes, it just… 254 00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:51,750 That's not how I remember it. 255 00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:54,375 She was always there when it really counted. 256 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,375 Look, if my power has taught me anything, 257 00:14:56,458 --> 00:15:00,625 it's that what you think happened and what actually happened can be very different. 258 00:15:00,709 --> 00:15:02,458 I'm not remembering it wrong. 259 00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:04,959 I'll show you. 260 00:15:05,041 --> 00:15:06,291 You'll show me. 261 00:15:06,917 --> 00:15:09,417 Let's do it. Memory me. 262 00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,959 All right. I'm sure I'm wrong. 263 00:15:19,583 --> 00:15:21,000 When are we? 264 00:15:21,083 --> 00:15:24,583 Our own prize-giving. Sixth form. 265 00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,500 Don't know why we're in the bathroom though. 266 00:15:26,583 --> 00:15:28,583 The ceremony should be in full swing. 267 00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:29,667 Oh. 268 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:30,750 What does it say? 269 00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:33,834 I'm not sure. All the instructions are in Polish. 270 00:15:33,917 --> 00:15:36,291 Well, it's the only one I could find in the corner sklep. 271 00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:38,255 - Who's the dad? - I don't know. Michael Duncan. 272 00:15:38,291 --> 00:15:39,625 Daniel Kim. 273 00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:40,709 Tom Welleridge. 274 00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:43,417 Oh! We'll have to do the Mamma Mia! thing in 18 years. 275 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:45,000 I can't sing for shit, Carrie. 276 00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:46,500 What am I gonna do? 277 00:15:46,583 --> 00:15:47,750 I thought you were a virgin. 278 00:15:47,834 --> 00:15:50,458 I am. But we shared that bathroom on the coach trip to Bath, 279 00:15:50,542 --> 00:15:52,500 and I didn't wipe the seat before I sat down, 280 00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:55,208 and there was something wet, and I don't know if it was come. 281 00:15:55,291 --> 00:15:57,000 Jen, you're not pregnant. 282 00:15:57,083 --> 00:15:58,125 Oh, you can read Polish? 283 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:01,583 I need to go and pick up my award. Best attendance is a big deal. 284 00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,709 No, no, no. Stay, please. No, I'm gonna do one more for luck, 285 00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:06,959 - and I need you to stay and watch me pee. - Why? 286 00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:09,083 'Cause I'm feeling very vulnerable now, Carrie. 287 00:16:09,166 --> 00:16:11,625 And I can't focus with that staring at me. 288 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,875 So she stopped you from picking up your own award. 289 00:16:15,959 --> 00:16:19,542 Okay. That was bad. But one time doesn't make a pattern. 290 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,208 There. 291 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,959 Show me another one. I'm sure she'll redeem herself. 292 00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:33,542 Is this my graduation? 293 00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:36,417 I thought I'd pick a day that's all about you 294 00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:39,375 so that Jen can show how supportive she is. 295 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,458 Uh, maybe we should try a different day. 296 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:44,792 Carrie, I need your help. 297 00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:46,017 Mum doesn't know I dropped out. 298 00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:48,917 She thinks I'm graduating today and she's here. But obviously, I'm not. 299 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,476 So I need to borrow your cap and stuff real quick. Is that okay? 300 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,041 - What? - Just for the photo. 301 00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:55,250 - Smile. - I'm sorry. 302 00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,000 I know I'm such a fuck-up. 303 00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:58,750 No. It's... It's fine. 304 00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:01,917 Smile. 305 00:17:05,041 --> 00:17:06,041 Ready? 306 00:17:06,542 --> 00:17:07,542 Smile. 307 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,166 - Yoo-hoo! Jennifer. - Hi, Mum! 308 00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:12,417 - You ready? - Yeah. No, I'm coming. 309 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:14,000 Two minutes. 310 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,834 Next. 311 00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:18,834 That's it. Chin up a bit. 312 00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:20,834 Lovely. And smile. 313 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:27,333 Okay. Historically, maybe she could've been better. 314 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,083 - But she... she's changed. - Mm-hmm. 315 00:17:31,166 --> 00:17:34,417 I mean, you changed. I better give her the benefit of the doubt. 316 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:38,959 Or maybe you should sack up and stop being such a pushover. 317 00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,417 Don't get me wrong. Jen is a self-obsessed bitch. 318 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,750 But you're just as bad, you simpering fucking jellyfish. 319 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,500 I'm so sorry. You're just such an easy target. 320 00:17:50,583 --> 00:17:53,291 - I can't help myself. - It's okay. 321 00:17:53,375 --> 00:17:55,542 You're trying, and that's what counts. 322 00:17:56,959 --> 00:18:00,250 Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut. 323 00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,333 I need to remove myself from this situation. 324 00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:05,000 Carrie, good luck with the speech. It'll be great. 325 00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:06,166 You have a weird forehead, 326 00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:09,130 and that's the ugliest fucking jumper I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye. 327 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,166 It's your jumper. 328 00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:19,875 I've written you an acceptance speech. 329 00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:22,000 - I want you to read it. - No. 330 00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:24,000 - Mum… - Okay, fine. Give it. 331 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:29,792 - I'm not reading this. - Mother! 332 00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:32,208 Okay, okay. I'll read it. 333 00:18:33,917 --> 00:18:35,041 Weirdo. 334 00:18:37,166 --> 00:18:38,166 Oh. 335 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:40,458 Oh, you're back. 336 00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:43,625 - Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now? - No, don't think so. 337 00:18:43,709 --> 00:18:46,083 Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. 338 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:49,417 Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat. I don't want to miss anything. 339 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,917 - Really? - Oh, my God. 340 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,851 I've never looked forward to a speech more in my life. 341 00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:54,041 Oh, thank you. 342 00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,125 Michael! Down! 343 00:18:56,750 --> 00:18:57,750 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 344 00:18:59,166 --> 00:19:00,250 ♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 345 00:19:04,417 --> 00:19:05,792 Stupid birds. 346 00:19:05,875 --> 00:19:07,125 You ready to get out now? 347 00:19:07,208 --> 00:19:08,208 I think I am. 348 00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:10,625 But maybe just one more video. 349 00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:13,625 Type in "funny fire-safety demonstration fails." 350 00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:15,959 There's a really good one with a guy with a moustache. 351 00:19:16,041 --> 00:19:19,875 I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get too attached to the moustache. 352 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,542 That man looks a bit like you. 353 00:19:23,625 --> 00:19:24,542 What? 354 00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:27,208 You! You with them? 355 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,291 No, mate. Don't know 'em. 356 00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:34,917 Oh, God! Oh, God! 357 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,000 Oh, God! 358 00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:40,458 It's got 400,000 views. 359 00:19:40,542 --> 00:19:41,959 Is that a lot? 360 00:19:42,041 --> 00:19:46,250 ♪ Let's sit around and drink some sake ♪ 361 00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:51,959 ♪ And we can argue about the same things ♪ 362 00:19:52,041 --> 00:19:53,375 I'll go sleep in the kitchen. 363 00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,667 ♪ Talk about neighbours On the front... ♪ 364 00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:59,291 And the physics prize goes to Maisie Costas. 365 00:19:59,375 --> 00:20:01,000 Big round of applause, please. 366 00:20:01,083 --> 00:20:03,959 No, no, no, no. 367 00:20:04,041 --> 00:20:05,458 Smaller round of applause, please. 368 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,208 Take that thing off. 369 00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,333 I think I've nearly found them. 370 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:18,291 Oh. 371 00:20:18,875 --> 00:20:21,792 I just want you to know, I'm here for you. 372 00:20:23,083 --> 00:20:26,750 And now, for the final award of the night. 373 00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:31,125 This goes to a gifted violinist who recently got into 374 00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:35,792 one of the most prestigious musical conservatoires in the country. 375 00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:39,000 The award for outstanding achievement goes to… 376 00:20:39,083 --> 00:20:40,375 Andy Douglas. 377 00:21:01,917 --> 00:21:05,625 Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests… 378 00:21:07,208 --> 00:21:09,583 …Count Dracula. 379 00:21:09,667 --> 00:21:12,000 It's a pleasure to see you all here this evening. 380 00:21:12,083 --> 00:21:17,792 It might look like I, a humble lesbian, won this award all by myself, 381 00:21:17,875 --> 00:21:21,375 but my moderate success is all down to one person. 382 00:21:22,083 --> 00:21:24,166 My sister, Jennifer. 383 00:21:24,959 --> 00:21:26,291 Isn't that lovely? 384 00:21:27,959 --> 00:21:29,709 People say to me, 385 00:21:29,792 --> 00:21:36,125 "Andy, is it a living hell to have a sister who is a genius and also so hot?" 386 00:21:36,208 --> 00:21:41,458 And to those people, I say, yes. 387 00:21:41,542 --> 00:21:43,750 But she's also done so much for me. 388 00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:51,417 When I had explosive diarrhoea at Disneyland Paris, 389 00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:54,542 who bartered with Goofy for his trousers to cover up my shame? 390 00:21:55,375 --> 00:22:00,583 When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004, who contested the judgement? 391 00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:03,417 When I demanded Nelson Mandela be put back in prison… 392 00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:07,542 Do you know what? 393 00:22:08,959 --> 00:22:10,709 I'd like to thank myself for this award. 394 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,667 I've worked hard. I deserve it. 395 00:22:15,875 --> 00:22:20,000 Although, I would like to dedicate this award 396 00:22:20,083 --> 00:22:23,500 to all the people who have never achieved anything. 397 00:22:24,250 --> 00:22:27,500 Never been the best at anything. 398 00:22:27,583 --> 00:22:29,625 They must feel really lame 399 00:22:29,709 --> 00:22:33,583 and... and lash out in pathetic ways because that's all they can do. 400 00:22:33,667 --> 00:22:38,792 So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister. 401 00:22:44,291 --> 00:22:47,417 - What are you doing? - Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire 402 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:50,792 because she can't play the violin anymore because of her freakish strength. 403 00:22:50,875 --> 00:22:53,083 And she lied to all of you about it. 404 00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,166 And she broke her girlfriend's fanny. 405 00:23:02,458 --> 00:23:04,583 I think it might be Andy. 406 00:23:04,667 --> 00:23:07,917 Oh, here we go. No, we're not falling for it. 407 00:23:11,291 --> 00:23:13,542 Come on. We're not buying it. 408 00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:15,208 What have you done? 409 00:23:15,291 --> 00:23:16,375 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 410 00:23:16,458 --> 00:23:18,083 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 411 00:23:18,166 --> 00:23:19,750 ♪ I don't wanna be here ♪ 412 00:23:19,834 --> 00:23:21,834 ♪ You've been fucking with me, boy ♪ 413 00:23:21,917 --> 00:23:23,959 ♪ How did I wake up Surrounded by walls… ♪ 414 00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:24,917 No, hey. 415 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,040 ♪ Keep banging the concrete To blow up these halls ♪ 416 00:23:27,083 --> 00:23:29,017 ♪ Keep screaming "Please mummy I'm covered in scars" ♪ 417 00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:31,000 Let's get back on track. 418 00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:35,166 Please welcome Carrie Jackson, class of 2015. 419 00:23:42,417 --> 00:23:45,458 - At the bathroom. - The bathroom? 420 00:23:46,166 --> 00:23:48,500 What does it mean to achieve? 421 00:23:48,583 --> 00:23:51,583 But you couldn't for one evening, you little gobshite! 422 00:23:51,667 --> 00:23:53,750 You are a cold and barren woman! 423 00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:56,291 Well, there have been many definitions over the centuries. 424 00:23:56,375 --> 00:23:58,125 I was absolutely mortified. Mortified! 425 00:23:58,208 --> 00:24:00,917 Oh, no. Now Susan's not going to fuck you. 426 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,166 I don't want to fuck Susan! 427 00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:05,000 Maybe I'll fuck Susan. 428 00:24:05,083 --> 00:24:07,792 It's the closest I'm going to get to a loving mother. 429 00:24:07,875 --> 00:24:10,375 She's joking. She's joking. 430 00:24:10,458 --> 00:24:11,917 Um… 431 00:24:14,792 --> 00:24:18,750 Um, success in the modern world is… 432 00:24:21,166 --> 00:24:22,208 Sorry. 433 00:24:27,667 --> 00:24:29,375 What does it mean to achieve? 434 00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:34,000 Oh, there you are. Where have you been? 435 00:24:34,083 --> 00:24:36,000 I think I left our drinks in here. 436 00:24:36,083 --> 00:24:40,208 Also, I've alienated my entire family and humiliated myself in front of everyone. 437 00:24:40,291 --> 00:24:41,542 So… 438 00:24:47,834 --> 00:24:49,458 - Carrie? - What? 439 00:24:49,542 --> 00:24:51,500 I think I've really fucked it actually. 440 00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:54,041 Have you? Again? Shocker. 441 00:24:54,125 --> 00:24:56,083 Why you being weird? I'm having a crisis here. 442 00:24:56,166 --> 00:24:58,500 - Course you are. - Can you tell me why you're mad at me? 443 00:24:58,583 --> 00:25:00,834 I don't have the mental capacity for this right now. 444 00:25:05,834 --> 00:25:07,333 I was meant to speak. 445 00:25:07,959 --> 00:25:10,083 And now, because of your tantrum, I don't get to. 446 00:25:10,166 --> 00:25:11,709 Oh. 447 00:25:12,291 --> 00:25:15,041 - Why are you laughing? - I thought it was something serious. 448 00:25:15,125 --> 00:25:17,085 Ah, so it's only your problems that are important. 449 00:25:17,166 --> 00:25:19,806 I'm sure you have plenty of problems, with your long-term boyfriend 450 00:25:19,875 --> 00:25:21,709 and your promising career and your cool power. 451 00:25:21,792 --> 00:25:24,041 My power is not all it's cracked up to be. 452 00:25:24,125 --> 00:25:25,041 It got you a job. 453 00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:27,792 Do you know how many people wanna speak to me? 454 00:25:27,875 --> 00:25:29,667 Not someone famous. 455 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,250 Not some pharaoh or president. Just me. 456 00:25:32,333 --> 00:25:33,166 No one. 457 00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:36,875 - I have to listen to you now, so… - No one ever cares what I have to say. 458 00:25:37,583 --> 00:25:40,291 Well, they did tonight. But of course, you couldn't let that happen. 459 00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:43,208 You couldn't bear an interruption of the Jen show. 460 00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:44,375 So I'm selfish? 461 00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:47,291 Yes. You always have been. 462 00:25:47,375 --> 00:25:48,542 It's always been about you. 463 00:25:48,625 --> 00:25:50,583 Oh, stop being so dramatic. 464 00:25:51,709 --> 00:25:53,291 Who did I lose my virginity to? 465 00:25:54,250 --> 00:25:56,500 Okay, what foods am I allergic to? 466 00:25:56,583 --> 00:25:57,792 When did my nan die? 467 00:25:57,875 --> 00:26:00,041 - Fifth year. - My nan's alive. 468 00:26:01,125 --> 00:26:03,000 But as if you know those things about me. 469 00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:06,458 Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse to acknowledge it, 2014. 470 00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:15,166 Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea what it's like to be me. 471 00:26:16,208 --> 00:26:17,750 I've got nothing. 472 00:26:18,959 --> 00:26:21,458 I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it with enough grace. 473 00:26:23,792 --> 00:26:26,083 Oh, boo-fucking-hoo! 474 00:26:27,041 --> 00:26:29,750 I don't think you ever wanna get a power. I think you like it. 475 00:26:29,834 --> 00:26:31,917 It gives you an excuse to be a shitty person 476 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,500 because the world is mean to you. 477 00:26:33,583 --> 00:26:37,709 But has the smallest seed of thought ever passed through your brain 478 00:26:37,792 --> 00:26:40,959 that maybe you're not some troubled, tragic martyr? 479 00:26:41,041 --> 00:26:42,458 Maybe you're just a nob. 480 00:26:42,542 --> 00:26:43,625 Fuck off! 481 00:26:48,917 --> 00:26:49,917 Okay. 482 00:26:55,166 --> 00:26:57,709 ♪ Fall is here, hear the yell ♪ 483 00:26:57,792 --> 00:27:00,291 ♪ Back to school, ring the bell ♪ 484 00:27:00,375 --> 00:27:02,750 ♪ Brand new shoes, walking blues ♪ 485 00:27:02,834 --> 00:27:05,250 ♪ Climb the fence, books and pens ♪ 486 00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:09,333 ♪ I can tell that We are gonna be friends ♪ 487 00:27:10,333 --> 00:27:14,083 {\an8}♪ I can tell that We are gonna be friends ♪ 488 00:27:17,959 --> 00:27:20,375 ♪ Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪ 489 00:27:20,458 --> 00:27:22,792 {\an8}♪ Through the park and by the tree ♪ 490 00:27:22,875 --> 00:27:25,750 {\an8}♪ We will rest upon the ground ♪ 491 00:27:25,834 --> 00:27:27,750 ♪ And look at all the bugs we found ♪ 492 00:27:29,583 --> 00:27:32,625 Kash! The girls are back and I'm scared your bubbles have, um… 493 00:27:32,709 --> 00:27:36,333 Okay. Here we go. Let's cover up the shame. 494 00:27:36,417 --> 00:27:38,875 Thank you. 495 00:27:38,959 --> 00:27:42,458 There we go. No more penis. 496 00:27:42,542 --> 00:27:43,542 Lovely. 497 00:27:44,625 --> 00:27:45,625 Shall I get the brush? 498 00:27:45,709 --> 00:27:48,333 ♪ 'Cause I love you ♪ 499 00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,667 ♪ Yes, I love you ♪ 500 00:27:52,583 --> 00:27:56,750 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 501 00:27:57,750 --> 00:27:59,667 ♪ Oh ♪ 502 00:28:02,875 --> 00:28:06,417 ♪ 'Cause I love you ♪ 503 00:28:07,333 --> 00:28:09,792 ♪ Yes, I love you ♪ 504 00:28:10,542 --> 00:28:14,792 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 505 00:28:16,917 --> 00:28:20,250 ♪ Oh, how I love you ♪ 506 00:28:21,250 --> 00:28:23,583 ♪ Oh ♪