Jagshemash! My name Borat.
It now many months since I returned home from U.S. and A.
I very angry about the stolen election in America
and how Donald Trump was stopped from carrying it out.
After a long investigation,
it turned out that thousands of valid votes
were tragically counted.
McDonald also say that many dead people voted.
In Kazakhstan, we have much experience with this.
When people vote for the opposition,
two days later they are found dead.
High five!
Here in Kazakhstan, COVID is no longer a problem.
In fact, in my village of Kusek,
we have reached herd immunity.
I had sexy time with all the cows in my herd
and not one of them caught it.
Reason I here, though, is because of movie film
I released last year.
It had a duration of 90 minutes
since that was the length of our nation's VHS cassette.
However, in new trade agreement with Kyrgyzstan,
we have procure another 30-minute cassette,
which mean I can present you some unseen footages.
Please. You will enjoy. Chenqui.
I decided to learn a sport created
by famous sports star McDonald Trump called golf.
- Hi. How are you doing? - Nice meet you.
Nice to meet you. I'm Tony Labella.
- Nice meet you. - Oh. Okay.
That's new. Okay.
- This is a club right here, so... - This a club?
Yeah. This is a golf club.
This is what you hit the golf ball with.
Now, I want you to grip this in your left hand.
- Your other hand. - Hmm?
This hand here. Okay?
Grip the club. Here.
Okay? Okay.
- Grip it with your left hand like so. - Left hand?
Now, uh... yeah, nice. Very good. Okay, so...
- Yes? - Take the club. Now, grip it
- in your left hand. - This one?
- No. This one right here. - This one.
The one you just sat on the ground.
Okay? Grip it in your left hand.
And see where I've got right here? Do what I do.
Do what I do.
Yeah. Do what I do. Take your club
in your left hand.
In-in this hand right here.
Your left hand right here.
Yeah. Good. All right. So far, so good.
Okay.
Okay. No.
Okay. Uh, let me see. Um...
Here we go. Let's, um...
Let's take the club right here...
Uh, you can turn back around this way.
- No. The other way. - Oh.
- Put this in your hand. - Put this... good. - Mm.
Put this in your hand.
Now, put your other hand on the club. Like...
Okay. Like this.
- There it is. - Yeah.
Do not change that. Turn this way and face me.
- Okay? Face me. - Hmm?
Face me. Okay? All right.
Okay, turn a little bit more.
- Yeah. A little bit more. - Hmm?
Okay. A little bit more.
Little bit more.
Put your thumb on top. And don't move that.
Put your right hand on the club.
Stand like me.
Bend forward. Set the club down.
Okay, not so much.
Hold your head up a little bit. Hold your head up.
You make me look at your chram.
No, no, we're not doing that.
Okay. Head up. Look down.
Right there.
Don't move your body.
- Just set the club down. - Yes?
Keep your grip. There you go.
Awesome. This is the first step.
This is a fun?
Yeah, this is fun. Aren't you having fun?
I want you to swing back.
Swing the club this way.
No. The club.
- Keep your lower body steady. - What is a club?
- This is a club. - Ah. Yes?
Now, now, stay right here. Nope. Keep your stance.
- I play golf. - Okay. Watch me.
You see me hit that golf ball?
You've got to be kidding me.
- Okay. - I got one.
Do I get one point?
You get one point if you can hit
this golf ball out there with this stick.
Wait.
W-What was the first thing I said?
Hello. Nice meet you.
- No, no, no. No, no, no, no. - My name...
The first thing I said, when you swing this club,
is do not let go of the club.
Okay? Set up to the golf ball.
- Okay. - Hmm?
I'm going to stand over here.
You just try to make contact with the golf ball.
Again.
Now, keep your feet on the ground. This is not dancing.
- I play golf. - If-if that's golf right there...
I get it.
Get back here!
Set the club behind the golf ball.
You're going to put your eyes on the golf ball.
Why?
- Thank you for teach me how to play... - Golf.
What?
- Golf. - What is golf?
Golf is-is a sport.
- Will you teach me this game? - Well, uh, I'm trying.
- Thank you very much. - Oh. You're welcome.
Okay. Oh, no. That, uh... Enough of...
- I got that, okay? - Yes. Thank you.
All right. You're welcome.
When I was preparing my daughter for ladies' man Michael Pence,
I take her to meet professor of etiquette
who taught her how to walk, talk,
and which spoon to use
when cleaning her anus at dinner table.
Please.
Welcome to America.
I'm looking forward to helping you be beautiful
and elegant and very smart.
- Okay. So... - Good luck.
I want to be like Disney princess Snow White.
- Okay. Mm-hmm. - Where I'm asleep
and prince came and make a magical fuck in me
and then I wake up.
- Well, we'll make that happen, okay? - Yes!
You're going to learn how to be elegant and pretty
and to eat properly and to...
W-When was the last time you washed your hair?
Uh, when she was, uh, born.
You...
She doesn't wash her hair?
No. Why?
- I wash my hair every day. - But the man
- that she will be given to... - Mm-hmm.
He will like her have a strong smell
so he can find where she is.
So, tell me what your hobbies are, what you like to do.
Oh, my gosh.
Did you...
Did you teach her these kinds of things?
Her mother.
I open with my small hole.
Yes.
When she meet this man,
what the first thing that she should say him?
You say "hello."
You shake his hand, in our culture,
and say, "Hello. I'm Grace, and I'm delighted to meet you."
That's exactly what you say.
- Hello. I'm Grace. - Mm-hmm.
- I'm pleased to meet you. - Perfect.
I think you're doing very well.
And when he hear this, will he want to make a romance on her?
Not as fast as you would like.
In our culture, we don't go from "hello" to fucking.
We just don't.
How many minutes you wait?
Until he proposes to her.
Proposes, uh, sexy time?
No. Proposes marriage.
Nobody want to do sex with me.
Well, why would they when you have dirty hair and you smell?
In Kazakhstan, barber is most venerable profession.
They are paid three tenge for removing beard,
five tenge for removing pubis,
and 15 tenge for removing head of evil criminal
who have committed parking offense.
Here is my hair cutting employment footages.
What would you like? I can take it all off.
I can, uh, keep it short.
Keep it where it's, you know, above the ears is fine.
Hmm. And what, uh, below would you like?
Um...
Your pubis.
No, it's fine. I don't... It's fine.
- No, I can... - Nothing.
For five more dollar I can do everything.
We don't have to do that. That's fine.
May I?
I'm fine.
No extra charge.
No, I... I just ate.
Thank you.
Thank you for asking.
- Mm-hmm. Good. - You okay?
This good knife. I, uh...
use it to remove, uh...
- my son from my wife belly. - Oh, you did?
- You want? - Mm-mm.
- I'm fine. - No problem.
- You can... - No. I don't need it.
- It is a gift. - Oh. Okay.
Thank you.
Sandwich?
- No. I'm fine. - Thank you.
- You want a drink? - No. Uh-uh.
It's not good to drink that.
That's...
- Not so good. - I wouldn't drink it.
- You are beautiful. - Oh. Thank you.
Very sexy man.
Thank you, sir.
- Want me shave your arms? - No.
- No? - No.
You're not gonna shave my hair off, are you?
- What you gonna do with that? - Uh... hair?
But you do mostly animals, though, right?
Uh, no.
Uh, this, I believe sex crime.
Before they remove his chram,
I remove his pubis. I was given honor.
Oh. That's great.
To your satisfaction, sir?
That's fine.
May I?
Thank you.
One of great legacies of benevolent hero McDonald Trump
was to ensure that every Mexican child
was provided with free cage.
Unfortunately, my daughter
is not one of these overprivileged brats,
so I would have to pay for hers.
Not nice.
This is hay here. It's different.
- What? - This is hay. - It's for feeding the horses.
- Hey! - No. I mean, this is...
That's what we call this is hay.
- For feeding horses. - Hey!
- What is this? - It's hay. We call it hay.
- Hey. Hey. - Hay. For feeding horses.
Horse feed.
Why you make introductions to me so many times?
You are very friendly.
In America, we also have words that we...
The same words just spelled a different way.
- Yes. - It has different meanings.
- Like this is hay or this is hey. - Hey! Hey.
- But that's hay, too. - Hey.
- Yeah. - Uh, please stop
- saying "hey" to me. - Okay.
- Because we already made introduction. - Okay.
- Now it is annoying. - All right. I'm sorry.
- My daughter will be requiring nutrition. - Uh-huh.
- What is this? - Horse feed.
- You feed whores with this? - Yes.
Uh, do you have any feed
for normal wives, not just whores?
- Oh. No. I'm sorry. Horse. - This...
This is food for prostitutes?
No. This is "horse," not "whores."
You feed horses to whores?
We feed this food to horses.
We feed different food to the whores.
You feed whores to horses?
It's totally different food.
But the horses you feed to the whores?
Well, some people might, but I-I would never do it.
Can you do makeup so that
every man will see her and want to overpower her
- and drag her to his house? - No.
In America, we do makeup as a self-empowerment. Not for men.
- She find it funny. - That's how it is in America.
- Yes. It's a strange place. - It's different.
So this is all, like, uh, skincare.
- What is this? - That's the facial scrub.
It scrubs off, like, dead layers of skin.
I use my wife dead skin to make a wallet.
Okay.
This from my wife dead skin.
She's still taking all my money.
Yes?
So, you take it, and it, like, for the face, to wash.
Yeah.
- And to put it on my cunt? - No.
- Daddy, Daddy! - These are more for the lips.
Monkey's cock.
Don't...
- Delicious. - That is not to eat.
- No, no, no. - These are not to eat. They're not to eat.
- They're makeup products. - Delicious.
- It's nice? - It's my favorite part.
It's not a food.
It's not food.
And what flavor this one?
- Can I try? - It's not a flavor.
- Also... - Hmm.
It's not so nice.
It's not food. I told you that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You must share. You must share.
That's not a drink. That's perfume.
- It, uh, good for the... - No.
That's perfume. You don't drink that.
Let's come look at this makeup over here.
- What'd you put on your face? - Monkey cock.
Uh, what your name?
- Jeanise. - Jeanise, nice meet you.
Nice meeting you.
She is currently virgin.
I prefer you keep her this way.
Oh, she'll be that way. I mean, I have nothing to do with that.
In regarding her hymen, you break it, you pay.
We're not gonna break it.
Ah, good.
Uh, there are some instructions for her, too.
What kind of instructions?
This, uh, daughter instruction manual.
It, uh, tell you everything you need to know
about, uh, caring for daughter.
It show you how to feed the daughter.
Um, how to drill safely in her head.
There's a section on discipline and witchcraft.
So, if suddenly she act strange, and you think she a witch,
please try to contact me before burning her.
- Thank you. - Oh. Okay.
She won't get burned.
Also, if she go outside,
uh, then put the blinders on,
uh, so that she do not get confused if she see things.
This what you put on a horse or something, isn't it?
No, no. This is not what you put on a horse.
This is for a daughter.
So, your wife is treated similar to her?
No!
My wife is, um, well, uh...
she is run away with my neighbor,
Nosuk-Tong Toli-Akbar.
So, eh...
Him and her, they make a sexy time.
You know, it's very sad.
So, you just got your daughter by...
She just left her daughter?
Yes. It's not her daughter.
- Her mother, uh... dead. - Oh. Okay.
- High five! - No! - I'm not gonna high-five that.
So, before I leave,
this just show if there is any damage.
Uh, she currently have, uh, 2,814 hair on pubis.
Uh, please leave it. It very valuable.
Uh, I'm not gonna touch that.
Thank you. So, you can sign here, please.
When I'm making travelings with my daughter in U.S. and A,
I visit a lady to learn
how Tutar must behave at debutante ball,
which is the political correct name for
"special underage girl market."
Hi. How are you today?
Good. Cliff. Cliff Safari.
And my name is Dr. Jeanie.
It's so nice to meet you today.
My daughter, Miss Ellie,
I need to get her ready for ball.
So, the thing about it is,
we want to get your daughter all prepared
by showing her the right kinds of things to do.
Should she wear jewelries?
If so, something simple.
A man yesterday,
he say he would give me jewelry.
He say he will give me
uh, gold shower.
And I go to his hotel room
to get this gold,
but he did not give me the gold.
Instead, he just make, uh, urination.
Uh, some of it got on me.
But I say, "Where the jewelry?"
And he don't give me any jewelry.
- Why? - Oh, my goodness.
For one thing, you should never have gone to his hotel room.
Why not? He said that he would shower me with gold.
This man, I don't know what he did in that room with you.
- This is wrong. - Just a bit of urination.
But some of it got on me by accident.
I clean it off. I said, "No problems."
But he say if I go there tonight,
he will give me a necklace made of pearl.
Don't you ever go in that man's room again. You hear me?
If you see him in the hallway, ignore him.
- Yes. But he's such friendly face. - I don't care.
- He's smiling all the time. - I don't care. I don't care.
That man is evil.
This man is ex-criminal?
- No. - Harry Potter.
What is this machine?
It's a vacuum for a house.
Uh, can you show me how it workings?
What happen if I press this?
- It turns on. - What this thing?
Um...
Good. I will take, uh, the phone, please,
- that I purchased. - Okay.
Kazakhstan have thriving movie industry for infants.
We were first nation in Central Asia
to make a live-action version of Dumbo,
where we used a tractor to push an elephant off a cliff
to see if it would fly.
It did not.
But it was not all bad
since elephant landed on Jewish wedding.
We also make many cartoons.
Here is one for girls.
Once upon a time,
there was a lowly peasant girl called Melania
from shithole country Slovenia
who dreamed of marrying a rich, old man.
One day, she was invited to a grand ball
thrown by fat King Donald.
At the ball, when fat King Donald saw Melania,
he became more turgid than he'd ever been before.
So, he grabbed her vagine.
But then, on the stroke of midnight,
Melania disappeared.
Fat King Donald searched his kingdom far and wide,
grabbing the vagines of every young maiden.
Until, at last, he found
the one that perfectly fitted his hand.
They married and put her in the most beautiful golden cage
at the top of the highest tower in all of America,
where they lived happily ever after.
Thank you for watching.
By the way, Mayor Giuliani, I feel guilty.
Because of me, you are unable to violate my daughter.
And the only liquid release you have had was from your hair.
So, next time you are in region searching for laptops,
please visit me and my sister for hand and mouth party.
Chenqui.