[distant buzzer blares]
[liquid pours]
I didn't want to go trick-or-treating
'cause I thought I was too old to dress up.
Hey, baby, you up?
The thing is, got a weakness
for those little bite-size 3 Musketeers bars.
[guard] Crack 25!
[buzzer blares]
Oh, man. We've been over this, boss.
I have every right to use the plumbing
to cultivate a romantic relationship
with the female inmate on the third floor.
That's not why I'm here.
[woman] Jack, papi, are you there?
Yeah, baby.
[woman] I got the picture you sent. You got a handsome dick!
Gloria, I'm gonna have to call you back. We have company.
If you're trying to take my bug, then we might be throwing hands.
Me and this little guy have gotten very attached.
He's the only one polite enough to listen to my stories.
I don't give a shit about your bug, Rooster.
You can put a vest on it and take it on a plane, for all I care.
You're both getting out today.
Him and the bug are getting out?
Not the bug. You and him.
The bug has been free to leave whenever he wants.
Bullshit.
I still got eight months. This fool got four years left.
Governor's lettin' out a bunch of nonviolent inmates
because of the coronavirus,
and you dumbasses are two of them.
Grab your stuff.
What the hell is coronavirus?
Beats the shit out of me.
Thanks for always being there, Nelson.
[♪ up-tempo theme plays]
[woman] Next!
Weh-hell, this is crazy, huh?
If you'd a-told me this morning that I was gonna--
Here's $40 and your personal belongings.
The clothes you came in with are down the hall.
If you've been here longer than 10 years, we apologize for the moth problem,
which has since been rectified. Next!
What exactly is this coronavirus, anyway?
A couple weeks ago, some dumbass ate a rotten bat.
Now people are dying from the flu, and they shut down the NBA.
Mnh. Next!
Hey, yo, what up, Shelley?
They're lettin' you out? When you come back next week,
don't bring the coronavirus.
Not gonna happen. I ain't eatin' no bat.
[distant buzzer blares]
[buzzer blares]
Okay, this is it, folks.
You're all free to go, but please keep in mind,
the state has issued a shelter-in-place order.
What's a shelter-in-place order?
Unless you are essential-- which I assure you, you are not--
you need to stay in your home.
But we've been in prison. We don't have a home.
I agree, it's a bit of a head-scratcher,
but we were just told to let you go, so that's what we did.
Good luck.
[buzzer buzzes]
What, no? No, I can't stay with my boyfriend
because he is still in prison.
Besides, we're not that serious.
We talk through the toilet, and I've only seen a picture of his dick.
Yeah. No, I know.
Okay... you know what? Just forget it.
Forget it!
[huffs]
Hey, man. Someone coming to pick you up?
Ah, look who wants to take a deep dive into my personal life all of a sudden.
Man, if you knew how many inmate stories
I've had to listen to over and over again, you...
Never mind. You take care.
Hey! Hold up.
[chuckling] I'm just playing with you.
All right, look, my-- my moms is coming to get me.
How 'bout you?
Well, I attempted to call my parents.
It's been so long since we talked, I forgot their number.
I just tried dialing, hoping muscle memory would kick in.
Ended up calling a Walgreens.
Chatted with the pharmacist for a spell.
Dale. Solid dude. Funny.
[laughs] Yeah.
I'll tell you what, give me that 40 bucks,
and you can stay at my mom's place for a couple of nights.
Are you serious? Thank you so much.
Could I keep 40 cents?
I've been really dreaming about buying
a pack of Fruit Stripe gum for a long time.
No.
[horn toots twice]
-Hey, Mommy. -Hey, shithead.
I thought you said you quit smoking.
I say a lot of things.
Come on.
[engine revs]
Let me tell you, the world is upside down right now.
Grocery stores are stripped bare. Restaurants are closed.
We're all cooped up like a bunch of mental patients.
Been the worst ten days of my life.
Mommy hold up a second.
Hey, girl, you need a ride?
What's your name again?
Jack.
Mine's Barb. Like the wire with the little spikes on it.
What were you in for?
Selling weed.
Weed?
Weed's practically legal as long as you say you're anorexic,
or you have PTSD or something.
Well, it wasn't legal in 1994,
when they had mandatory minimum drug sentences.
Shit.
[grunts]
Twenty-six years!
-Yeah. -[chuckles]
That's a full Kendall Jenner.
A what?
A famous chick. Her dad was an Olympic guy
who's now a woman who's hotter than me.
-Hmm. -You got a lot of catching up to do.
I'm just saying, it doesn't really sound like you got a lot of options.
I'm offering you a place to stay,
and the only thing I want in return is all the money that you got.
[grunts]
This virus thing is serious, huh?
I guess. Trump's on TV twice a day.
Oh, yeah, the rich guy. He's president, huh?
-Is he good? -I don't know.
He's funny.
She's going to crash with us, Ma.
And that makes four. Hope you guys like canasta.
-Hi. -Hello.
[engine struggles]
[engine starts and sputters]
[♪ up-tempo vintage song plays]
Tesla! My first Tesla!
[chuckles]
This is a cute neighborhood. You guys live around here?
No, just taking the scenic route.
[low] Rooster, keep your eyes peeled.
So, sweetie, what'd you get locked up for?
Credit card cloning.
Identity theft, conspiracy to commit wire fraud,
and... wire fraud.
At least you follow through.
-Brick house. -Take the wheel.
Were either of you guys in "D" block?
Yeah, we both were. Why?
That's where my man is. Do you guys know a guy named Jack?
His name is Jack.
Well...
A different Jack, different Jack.
This one is six-foot-six, 28 years old.
He's ripped. He says he looks like a cross
between The Rock and...
[both] ...Alex Rodriguez.
[coughs]
I used to have to listen to this fool
whisper all that bullshit through the toilet.
I'm sorry.
-Is this even your dick? -I'll tell you, let me see.
That's my dick.
I thought you told me this picture was for your sister.
-Why didn't you take one of yours? -Mine's camera shy.
Why is there a picture of your freckled pecker in my car?
What are we doing at Melvin's?
I need toilet paper. You can't buy any in the stores anymore.
People panicked and scooped it all up,
leaving the rest of us to improvise.
Had to throw away a perfectly good oven mitt last night.
Should we be wearing masks?
Depends on which channel you watch.
I'm waiting for Dr. Phil to chime in before I go out and buy one.
They're not easy to find.
Dug this one out of a Dumpster at a construction site.
Forty bucks for two lousy rolls?
-Yeah, prices went up. -Since when?
Since my supplier at the motel
got her dumb ass fired for stealing toilet paper.
How is your mother?
Good. Looking for work.
Well, here we are. Home, sweet home.
There's a shelter-in-place order. We're trying to flatten the curve.
Why don't you mind your own business
before I flatten your nose, you nosey old bitch.
Ohhh! Garbage cans got fancy.
What other colors can you get?
[Rooster smacks lips] Pickles!
He's dead.
Just put that stuff in the dining room with the rest of my loot.
Wow, you've been busy.
Business is booming since everyone can't go to the store.
Gotta make hay while the sun shines.
All right, let me give you the tour.
This is the kitchen. Dinner's usually around seven.
Do either of you have any allergies
or things that you're intolerant of, such as gluten or dairy?
I'm not a huge fan of mayo.
Well, my condolences, as that's a staple here.
[whispers] What's a gluten?
TV gets most of the local channels,
but if you're somebody who just can't live without CBS,
then you gotta get the ladder to
climb onto the roof to point the antenna towards the water tower.
Be careful if it's raining, though.
Rooster's father broke his neck trying to watch Blue Bloods, God rest his soul.
You look a lot like your father.
Yeah, I got my dad's looks and my mother's thirst for adventure.
It's a pretty good one-two punch.
This is Rooster's bedroom.
Between bouncing in and out of juvie and now prison,
he's never been home long enough to redecorate.
Hey, what happened to my Dora the Explorer drapes?
Did you not hear what I said about the toilet paper shortage?
This is my bedroom which brings me to the most important house rule.
Don't come in here looking to slip a cock in me.
I'm in a committed relationship
with someone I met online,
and I am for once in my life trying to remain faithful.
The problem is I have a weakness for bad boys.
I sometimes get lonely.
I will on occasion treat myself to half a box of chardonnay.
Now, any one of these things by itself, I can handle,
but on a night when all three combine forces,
I tend to get a little grabby.
So, just be prepared to put up a bit of a fight.
Nonessential stores are closed,
but you can help yourselves to my parents hand-me-downs.
They locked into their fashion choices in the mid-'70s,
so prepare to look like the Partridge Family.
There may even be a tambourine in there.
This was Rooster's twin brothers' room
before they moved to Mexico with dreams of joining a cartel.
Odds aren't great they're coming back.
They used to fight all the time, so I put in the drywall
to keep them from killing each other.
If one of you snores, you might want to plug up the bullet holes.
Who wants the side with the doorknob?
Uh... you can have it.
I'll feel more at home if I'm locked in.
♪♪♪
[Barb chuckles]
[ringing and clanging]
What's that noise?
You know Phillipe, the grocery store bagger with the milky eye
who got into all that trouble for sitting outside the high school
and offering girls rides home on his moped?
-Yeah. -He's a hero now.
Delivers Bugles right to your doorstep.
Hmm.
[indistinct television chatter]
Why was Rooster's dick under my pillow?
Rooster said you liked it, so I thought you might want it back.
Unless of course you prefer the real thing.
I wouldn't mind a grandbaby.
Look into adopting.
Me having sex with your son is the last thing that's gonna happen.
What's the first thing? I'd like to get started
so we can get to the last thing as soon as possible.
[Gloria sighs]
I kind of like these vintage clothes.
Or as someone of your advanced age would call them, clothes.
Look, I'm really sorry. I should have been honest with you.
-I'm over it. -Oh, okay.
And just to be clear, you and I are no longer...
A couple? No, we're not.
Got it.
Can't believe this lady's letting us stay here.
Do you think she's crazy?
Allowing a couple ex-cons to move into her house, no questions asked?
I wouldn't put her on the high end of the sanity scale,
but... we have no choice.
This is serious.
-What? -The thing. The virus.
It's... it's not good.
And as experts continue to debate the use of masks,
Dr. Fauci has encouraged frequent handwashing
while cautioning Americans against touching their faces.
We can't touch our faces?
I guess not.
Well, now all I want to do is touch my face.
Everything's itching.
Relax.
The news just likes to play on your emotions to keep you watching.
And to end our newscast on a brighter note,
here's Todd McGillroy with "Hometown Heroes."
There you go. Look.
After they scared you, they try and make you happy again.
Here at Kimberton Memorial Hospital, the overworked nursing staff
can't wait to get home and rest.
But for Lindsey Barton, home is only a few steps away.
My mother's been watching the kids while I work,
and I can't risk exposing her to the virus.
Sleeping in the car is doable.
The tough part's not being able to see my kids.
But even though she can't see them,
she can still keep her promise of reading them a bedtime story.
"Rumble, tumble blocks and roaring tigers.
Funny tummy chuckle, and a big boo to you."
My son understands why I'm not there, but...
my youngest is pretty confused
why she can only hear Mommy's voice.
Good night, guys.
I love you. Be good.
Are you crying?
Yes, I'm crying. How are you not crying?
I thought this was supposed to make me happy.
[Barb] Dinner's ready.
Contrary to what that asshole Guy Fieri might say,
this is my famous John Wayne casserole.
[Jack] Ohh!
Ground beef, cheese, vegetables, jalapenos,
all baked on top of a biscuit crust.
If anyone in your family has a history of heart disease,
you might want to see an extra prayer.
So, you're religious.
I pray, if that's what you mean.
Works, too.
I asked God to not let my baby rot in prison
for the rest of his life for stealing an ice cream truck.
And here he is.
You think God created a worldwide pandemic just to get your son out of prison?
He works in mysterious ways.
And... now that He's brought me a crew...
-A what? -A crew.
A crime family. Us.
I'm thinking after dinner,
we visit Melvin's place and steal us some toilet paper.
Sweet.
You guys can do that, I guess,
but I'm-- I'm probably gonna hang back, if that's cool.
No, that's not cool.
If there's any surprises, we need numbers.
You're living under my roof,
and from the generous helping of John Wayne on that plate,
I assume you'll also be using
more than your fair share of the toilet paper.
Did I take too much? I'm sorry I didn't--
In prison, it just goes by the size of the section on your tray.
God, eat all you want.
But you'll have to earn your keep.
Yeah, OK, I-- I hear that, it's just
I'm-- I'm-- I'm not really a criminal.
I got incarcerated for selling weed.
I never stole from anyone or hurt anyone.
It's just not my vibe.
So, you think you're better than us?
No, I didn't say that. It's just... I'm-- I'm not...
Look, according to the news,
everyone is suffering one way or another.
Seems like everybody should be helping each other, not stealing.
People suffering's nothing new. That's life.
You wake up, you suffer, you drink, you go to sleep.
Just because there's a nasty case of the sniffles going around
doesn't mean people are gonna change.
I saw in the newspaper how some politicians
who knew about this months ago are pocketing millions
dumping stocks and telling the public that everything's gonna be fine.
-Well, that's terrible. -That's America.
Keep your head on a swivel, and keep your eye out
for opportunities to get what's yours.
And Melvin deserves to get robbed.
He's the reason no one around here can wipe their ass
without dipping into their 401 retirement thingy.
J.
We're gonna steal more than toilet paper, though, right?
You said he gets paid in cash.
-I like this chick. -[chuckles]
Are you serious? You told me you were done with crime.
And you told me you were 20 years younger,
six inches taller, and had a tattoo of a dragon on your back.
We are all adapting.
I have a dragonfly on my upper inner thigh.
She's right. I bet Melvin is making bank.
I say we pack some heat and have him take us to the cash.
So now we got guns?
Armed robbery, possible kidnapping. That's your plan.
I like it. 'Cept someone other than Rooster holds the gun.
The last time we robbed a place, I got shot in the back of the thigh
before we even got in the pet store.
I barely nicked you.
You didn't even notice it until you took a shower the next morning.
All right, look, you guys can do what you want,
but I just spent 26 years in prison, and I'm not going back.
I've been dreaming about too many things:
walking in the grass with bare feet,
sitting under the stars.
Drinking water that doesn't smell like rotten eggs.
This is delicious, by the way.
-So you're out? -I'm out.
Then get the hell out.
Come on. Seriously?
I'm starving. And the virus is out there.
You'll be fine.
Just hold your breath and try not to touch nothing.
So, what's the plan?
Well, I'm with Rooster.
I say we drive over there after dessert
and one of you two stick a gun in his face.
-Is there a dessert? -Gummy worm cobbler.
♪♪♪
[gulps air]
[♪ guitar intro plays]
[♪ vocalist sings folksy ballad]
[soft grunt]
[gulps air]
[laughing]
Hey, buddy, would you mind putting this in the machine for me?
Does the dollar have that virus on it?
Uh, I'm not sure.
I think you're on your own with that, man.
[gulps air]
♪♪♪
[machine whirrs]
[gulps air]
[laughs]
You understand that you just touched every little thing on that machine
with the outside of your shirt, including the mint you put in your mouth.
[laughs]
[laughter continues]
[distant train whistle blows]
Melvin knows me, so I'll have to wait in my car,
but he doesn't know Gloria, and he still thinks Rooster's in jail.
So, as long as Rooster wears a mask, we should be cool.
You're gonna get caught.
I said get out.
You're gonna get caught or killed.
It's a shitty plan.
First of all, you drive a 1976 AMC Pacer that backfires.
Everyone's gonna notice you.
Do you even know if this guy has a security system?
Does he keep his money in a safe, or does he put it in a bank?
[handle squeaks]
We need a better plan.
We? So you're in?
I don't have a choice
if I don't want to catch this virus while dying of starvation.
But I'm not going back to jail, so if we're gonna do this,
we need to do it right.
And you know how to do it right?
I thought you weren't a criminal.
I'm not. But you don't spend 26 years in prison
without learning a few things.
Now with your newer cars,
you got to deal with factory alarms and more complicated ignitions.
Older models, they're easier to get into.
You know how to hotwire a car?
Nope. I'm in here for selling weed.
First thing you got to do is find the ignition wire.
[engine starts]
If you're gonna rob someone, you need to be patient, okay?
People are creatures of habit,
so it usually doesn't take too long to figure out what those habits are.
Just keep your distance, be patient,
and follow your victim's every move.
And keep in mind, there are really only three things you need to know for sure.
You need to find out where they keep their money...
...what they do at night...
...and when they go to sleep.
Once you know the routine, that's when you come up with the plan.
So, how'd you get caught, then?
Oh, I didn't get busted for stealing.
I strangled my brother when I found out he was banging my husband.
-Ohh. -Yeah.
Robbing an ATM? How's that work?
They sell high-tech shit that can intercept people's ATM pin code.
But you don't need all that.
You can just set up your camera nearby, capture someone's code easy.
Just make sure the camera's pointed at the keypad,
and the next time they enter their code, you're good to go.
Larceny of a cat?
I would have gotten away with it if my sister didn't have
one of them stupid video doorbells.
From now on, I'm climbing in through windows.
That's why you got to work on your calves.
Come on, don't quit. Yep, one more.
Two of my victims are already drunk, but I still didn't like to take chances.
Did you know you can make chloroform with various items
you can find in most people's kitchens?
I learned that on an episode of Law and Order.
First thing you need is some bleach.
♪♪♪
[soft chuckle]
[toilet flushes]
I think there was something wrong with that sushi.
Where'd you say you found it again?
-Wiggles? -You know this chick?
She's Rooster's trashy ex-girlfriend.
Makes sense she's banging a dirtbag like Melvin.
Maybe they're just friends...?
Come on, we're on the clock here.
[Inmate Ed] After you steal the ATM card, grab your camera,
and it's time to make a withdrawal.
But timing is crucial.
Now, the thing to remember about ATM cards
is that you want to max them out just before midnight.
Then, when the daily limit resets itself, you can hit it again.
Depending on the person's limit,
that can mean an extra thousand bucks, easy.
♪♪♪
A lot of people in here believe
there's no such thing as the perfect crime.
I disagree.
A perfect crime is a crime that nobody even knows happened.
Ha!
Barb, we're just taking the money.
Grabbing it from the back of the stack. He'll never know.
That way, it doesn't matter where you leave your fingerprints
or how many pictures the camera took
because if no one reports a crime, nobody's gonna try to solve it, either.
Oh, weird, I dreamt that I came out of the bathroom
and smelled bleach and then passed out.
Yeah. Last night was just a dream.
Just a weird dream.
Not bad.
-Not bad at all. -It's a start.
What are you gonna do with your share, Ma?
I'm gonna wait a few weeks until this virus blows over,
and then I'm gonna go on a cruise
with my online boyfriend, Jean Michel Duklon.
Finally get some real loving.
We talk dirty over email,
and I'm getting tired of diddling my bean with my reading glasses on.
[♪ guitar music plays]
[♪ vocalist sings folksy ballad]
[♪ folksy ballad continues]
[soft chuckle]
[happy chatter]
[♪ folksy ballad continues]
[President Trump] Right, and then I see the disinfectant.
It knocks it out in a minute, one minute,
and is there a way we can do something like that?
By injection inside or...
or almost a cleaning?
'Cause you see it gets in the lungs,
and it does a tremendous number on them,
so it'd be interesting to check that.
So that, you're gonna have to use medical doctors with.
But it sounds... it sounds interesting to me.
Hmm.
Doctors have warned that Trump's theory of using household cleaners
to rid your body of the coronavirus is not...
You missed dinner. Everyone loved it.
I made my second favorite dish, Duke Takes a Dive.
It's basically John Wayne casserole, but with tuna.
Where you been?
Oh, just, uh, exploring the town.
Been stuck in prison half my life.
Felt good to go for a walk, not have to turn left every 46 paces.
Mmm.
...severe vomiting or death.
And finally tonight,
remember the nurse who was sleeping in her car?
Well, that story has developed into a bit of a Channel 10 mystery.
I can't explain it.
It was just sitting there on the front seat.
When I told my mother,
she said she found another one just like it on the front porch.
I guess someone just felt generous.
[Todd McGillroy] Someone certainly did.
And now Lindsey's kids don't have to just listen to Mommy tell bedtime stories,
they get to see her as well.
"Then he nibbled a hole in the cocoon, pushed his way out,
and he was a beautiful butterfly."
Good night, guys.
Mommy loves you.
-I love you, Mommy. -I love you, Mommy.
Good night.
[exaggerated kiss]
So damn cute.
Rooster, I love you!
Rooster!
[Rooster] What?
-I love you. -Love you too.
[distant train whistle blares]
[sniffles]
[sighs]
Ohh.
[♪ percussive music plays]
[♪ vocalists sing cheerful song]
♪♪♪
We should talk about our next job.
Since Mother Teresa over here will only steal from bad people,
I took the liberty of writing up a list of douchebags in the area.
Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
Those politicians you mentioned, who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus,
turns out one of them's from around here...
and she is a loaded.
♪♪♪
[sneezes]
Well. That's a fly in the ointment we're going to have to swat.