1
00:00:01,585 --> 00:00:03,170
You're both getting out today.

2
00:00:03,254 --> 00:00:05,381
I still got eight months.
This fool got four years left.

3
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:07,508
The governor's
letting out a bunch of nonviolent

4
00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:10,636
-inmates because of the Coronavirus.
-I'll tell you what.

5
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,515
Give me that $40 and you can stay
at my mom's place for a couple of nights.

6
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:17,727
-What were you in for?
-Uh... Selling weed.

7
00:00:17,810 --> 00:00:19,562
[Gloria] Were either of you guys
in D Block?

8
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:24,108
That's where my man is. Do you guys
know a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old.

9
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,444
He says he looks like a cross
between the Rock and...

10
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,987
-Alex Rodriguez.
-Alex Rodriguez.

11
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:29,155
I'm sorry.

12
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:33,451
Is this even your dick?

13
00:00:34,744 --> 00:00:36,036
That's my dick.

14
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,581
-What are we doing at Melvin's?
-I need toilet paper.

15
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,207
You can't buy any in the stores anymore.

16
00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:43,335
People panicked and scooped it all up,
leaving the rest of us to improvise.

17
00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:45,921
Had to throw away
a perfectly good oven mitt last night.

18
00:00:46,005 --> 00:00:49,341
I'm thinking after dinner
we visit Melvin's place

19
00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:51,135
and steal us some toilet paper.

20
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,805
I'm not going back to jail. So if we're
going to do this, we need to do it right.

21
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:59,268
A lot of people in here believe there's
no such thing as the perfect crime.

22
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:02,605
A perfect crime is a crime that
nobody even knows happened.

23
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,027
[sinister music playing]

24
00:01:16,202 --> 00:01:19,455
-So, you got it?
-Merry Christmas, Princess.

25
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,374
Holy shit.

26
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:24,376
You said you
wanted more than to use, right?

27
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:26,545
Yeah, dude.

28
00:01:26,629 --> 00:01:28,881
I got to start making bank
if I'm gonna ride in style like you.

29
00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:32,551
Check out this new jam.
It's the tits.

30
00:01:32,635 --> 00:01:35,179
["Come Out and Play"
by The Offspring playing]

31
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:38,641
[police siren blaring]

32
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:39,975
Oh, shit.

33
00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:49,944
Oh God.

34
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,005
[sound drops out]

35
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,053
-[music resumes]
-[siren blares]

36
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,651
["Come Out and Play" now on radio]

37
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:39,285
[DJ] That song is 26 years old
and more relevant than ever.

38
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:43,372
With Coronavirus numbers on the rise,
they got to "keep us separated."

39
00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,916
President Trump
announced yesterday that he'll--

40
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,460
-[station change squabble]
-["High Steppin'" by the Avett Brothers]

41
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,717
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪

42
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,886
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪

43
00:02:56,969 --> 00:03:01,181
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪

44
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:08,439
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Making time and losing grip ♪

45
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,859
♪ Driving circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪

46
00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:16,488
♪ I'm an outsider lookin' in ♪

47
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:19,450
♪ I got a perfect square
for a circle of friends ♪

48
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,912
♪ It's the four of us
against the rest of you ♪

49
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,042
♪ But really I am all alone ♪

50
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,794
♪ I'd sell 'em out to save my own ♪

51
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,673
♪ I told them that
but they don't buy the truth ♪

52
00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:39,595
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪

53
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,972
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪

54
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:46,060
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪

55
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:53,484
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪

56
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:57,363
♪ Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪

57
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,784
♪ The best beggars are choosers ♪

58
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:08,165
♪ The best winners are losers
The best lovers ain't never been loved ♪

59
00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:15,798
♪ And first place ain't easy
The hardest part is believing ♪

60
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:23,514
♪ The very last word is love ♪

61
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:27,309
♪ I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪

62
00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,603
♪ Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪

63
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:33,357
♪ I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪

64
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:41,448
♪ Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪

65
00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:45,327
♪ Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪

66
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,086
Breakfast is ready!

67
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,759
Hey, save some of that for me.
I want some greasy eggs, too.

68
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:02,928
She who makes the grease gets the grease.

69
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,807
So do we need to, uh...

70
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:11,478
-talk to God before we dig in, or...?
-No, I only pray on Tuesdays.

71
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,105
I like to play hard to get.

72
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:18,652
So, now that everyone's clothed
and fed and running up my water bill,

73
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:21,113
we should talk about our next job.

74
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,950
Since Mother Teresa over here
will only steal from bad people,

75
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,245
I took the liberty of writing up
a list of douchebags in the area.

76
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:32,124
Cathy Watkins, Rooster's old babysitter.

77
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,459
She was abusive.

78
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,711
She stopped giving me water
after I peed in her purse.

79
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:36,628
Nah. Who else?

80
00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,840
Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher
who suspended him in the fourth grade.

81
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,092
Which is why
he still can't do short division.

82
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,928
-I could have been an astronaut.
-Why did he kick you out?

83
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,347
Well, I flicked a booger on his back
when he wasn't looking.

84
00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,349
Look, I'm not robbing someone
because they did

85
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:51,727
something bad to Rooster
in retaliation for something he did.

86
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,270
Fine.

87
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,407
[sighs]

88
00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:08,202
-Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
-What do you mean?

89
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:09,578
Those politicians you mentioned

90
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,498
who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus?

91
00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:16,293
Turns out one of them is from around here.
Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.

92
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,338
And she is loaded.
If we break into this house,

93
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:22,633
we're gonna pull more than toilet paper
and a few hundred bucks. Check it out.

94
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,386
-That's a Claude van Woodson.
-Looks like Siamese twins playing Twister.

95
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,890
It's probably worth half a million dollars
if we can get our hands on it.

96
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:30,808
Half a...

97
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,062
Are you serious?
What do you say, Jack?

98
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:39,483
Crooked politician lying to the people
while she cashes in. Bad enough for you?

99
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,861
Time's up.
That's a yes. Where does she live?

100
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,447
I don't know. We're gonna
have to do some research.

101
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:53,163
Oh, hold up a sec. I got an email
from Jean-Michel Ducomte.

102
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,249
That's her online boyfriend.

103
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:03,340
Oh, good. He got
the money I wired him. His father's sick.

104
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,426
He had to sell his computer camera
to pay for the dialysis.

105
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:09,388
That's the reason we've
never been able to talk face to face.

106
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,649
I'll read the rest of this later.
You do your thing.

107
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,828
Is there something
wrong with your internet?

108
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,247
Not unless the neighbors
didn't pay their "wee-fee" bill.

109
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,749
The computer
in the prison library isn't this slow.

110
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:41,378
Of course it's not. Prisoners
are probably just typing in "titties."

111
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,173
It doesn't take that long
to find some random titties.

112
00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:47,843
She typed in a specific name.
It's going to take some time to find her.

113
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,761
So it always takes this long?

114
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:52,931
Yeah. I just type in my question
and then kill some time

115
00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,683
while the person
on the other end looks it up.

116
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,435
Barb, there's no one on the other end.

117
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,395
Yeah, they probably got
really fast robots looking through

118
00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,438
phone books and encyclopedias.

119
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:03,192
Whatever. It's still a lot of
phone books for a robot to flip through.

120
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,323
Mommy, what are
the symptoms of the virus again?

121
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,617
I think we're okay
as long as he's not coughing.

122
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,715
Oh, shit.
He's got the Rona.

123
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:32,304
[opening theme music]

124
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:19,643
-Are you sure this is necessary?
-We need to take you to get tested.

125
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,979
[Gloria] He's been breathing all
over us since we got out of prison.

126
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,230
We all need to get tested.

127
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:26,233
She's right.
I bet the free clinic does it for free.

128
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:28,777
Free clinic makes
you give them too much info.

129
00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:32,322
I don't like the idea of the government
knowing my Social Security number.

130
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,866
Barb, the government already
knows your Social Security number.

131
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:38,036
Not my new one, they don't.
We'll drive to Mount Airy.

132
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,956
There's a place that tests
people under the table for cash.

133
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,835
You're going downhill fast, man.

134
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,462
I heard that once you lose
your sense of smell, you're done.

135
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,301
-Ah. Thank you.
-[Rooster farts]

136
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:53,844
What?

137
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,057
[gagging]

138
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,561
There's still hope.

139
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,396
[groaning]

140
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,149
♪ ♪

141
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:29,171
We could fill out the forms online,
but since all we have is Barb's flip phone

142
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,923
and the world's first computer,
we'll have to go old school.

143
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,217
Also, I think we were
supposed to bring an animal with us.

144
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,552
That makes sense.

145
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,972
Vets can't legally test humans,
so they got to keep up appearances.

146
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,016
Rooster go snag us a pet.

147
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,232
He has a way with animals.

148
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,402
The neighbors
didn't let their kids play with him,

149
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,489
so he spent a lot of time
bonding with the local wildlife.

150
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,824
He trained his cousin's
chicken to scratch his back.

151
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,451
-Is that what you call him Rooster?
-No.

152
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,953
In the kindergarten production of Annie,

153
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:04,748
he played Miss Hannigan's
evil brother, Rooster.

154
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,043
He liked that name better
than his own, so I let him keep it.

155
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,669
What's his real name?

156
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:16,385
Shit, it's been so long.
I want to say Paul.

157
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,185
There you go, little fella.

158
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,314
-Bird?
-Squirrel. Cute little guy.

159
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,568
Cough? Yes.
Congestion? Yes.

160
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:40,158
Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed
a loss of fur and or feathers recently?

161
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,535
-What?
-Wait a second.

162
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,121
Am I supposed to be asking
these questions to Jack or the squirrel?

163
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,622
Probably the squirrel.

164
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,126
I'm gonna need a new form.

165
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,463
Don't man-handle that worm too much.

166
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,340
If it dies,
I'm going to have to dig up another one,

167
00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:58,593
and I don't like washing my hands
twice in one day. It dries out my skin.

168
00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:02,973
You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just
giving him or her a little head tickle.

169
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,808
And a foot rub.

170
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,228
Oh, shit. Look who it is.

171
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,272
Oh, no. Melvin, please don't.

172
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,648
Rooster, what's up, buddy?

173
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,234
Look who's ridin' shotgun
who I been having frequent sex with.

174
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:15,610
Leave it, leave it.

175
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,655
It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend,
in case you ain't seen.

176
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,282
And I've been having frequent sex with her

177
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,617
-in case you ain't hear.
-She's all yours, Melvin.

178
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,995
My son doesn't date strippers anymore.

179
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,788
That's a dumbass life choice.

180
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,797
I wonder if that nurse would
give us a few Q tips to take home.

181
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:39,384
I haven't been able to get out
and buy any since the pandemic hit.

182
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:42,095
Been cleaning my ears
with the eraser end of a pencil.

183
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,269
If I die, will you
try and contact my parents?

184
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,439
With what? A Ouija board?
I thought your parents were dead.

185
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:58,320
Oh, yeah, that's right. They died
in each other's arms in that tornado.

186
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,533
Was anything you told me
while we were dating in prison the truth?

187
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,535
Or did you only
whisper lies through the toilet?

188
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,204
I told the truth occasionally.

189
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,873
I only lied about my parents
to protect your feelings.

190
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,626
After you told me your parents were dead,
I didn't want to seem braggy.

191
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:18,256
Oh, God, I really hope I don't die.
There's so many things I wanted to do

192
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:21,134
when I finally got out of prison.
Dying was on the list,

193
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:25,096
-but it was way toward the end.
-No, you better not die. If you die,

194
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:28,767
I'm left here trying to steal from
a congresswoman with two morons.

195
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:31,019
Trust me. I'm not trying to say
you're a genius, but at least

196
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:33,813
you haven't spent your whole life
in some shit little town.

197
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,943
You lied about backpacking
through Europe, didn't you?

198
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:41,029
I'm sorry, but lying is a slippery slope.

199
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,699
And I might not have lied about my
parents being dead. They probably are.

200
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,035
I haven't seen them in a while.

201
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,081
[funky music playing]

202
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:02,133
[police siren blares]

203
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:11,726
Oh, good. Jack's home.
Herb, put another pork chop on.

204
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,439
-Herb!
-[Herb] What?

205
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,440
Put your hands up. Don't move.

206
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,526
-Herb! Herb!
-What?

207
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,986
-Herb!
-What?!

208
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,580
-Where's Barb?
-They're not gonna give us any Q tips,

209
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:33,456
so we're gonna try and steal some
when they're not looking.

210
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:40,213
Okay. Let's try this again.
Name. What's a good name for a squirrel?

211
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,052
Mr. Nuts is a funny name for a squirrel.

212
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,472
That is funny.

213
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,975
Okay. Mr. Nuts.

214
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,981
I woke up with a headache.
I felt a little dizzy.

215
00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,107
I thought it might be the Rona,

216
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,192
so I want to make sure
I didn't give it to my pet worm.

217
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:11,745
Don't be afraid to go deep either.
I dig it. Mmm, tickly.

218
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,039
But in a good way.
Like a little nostril orgasm.

219
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,000
Is it my turn?

220
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,335
She has to go on the left hole

221
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,462
because the right one has
a tiddlywink stuck in it.

222
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,088
No need. Come here.

223
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,308
There. Now if I have it, you have it.

224
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,727
We just killed two birds with one Q tip.

225
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,817
-What's the plan?
-I thought you were coming up with a plan.

226
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,236
I was giving the forms to Gloria.

227
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,113
You can't walk and think
at the same time?

228
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,281
I don't know. I never tried.

229
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,991
I usually sit down when I have to think.

230
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,370
Aw. You get that from me.

231
00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:00,335
Oh. Here she is. Let's see
where they hide the Q tips.

232
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,296
Sketchy looking guy with a pet worm.

233
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,298
What do you think?
Does he have it?

234
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:09,010
It is decidedly so.

235
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,476
Holy shit.

236
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,772
They're not really testing people.

237
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,274
They're taking the cash
and making up the results.

238
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,776
Oh, man. That sucks.

239
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,820
Does it? Did you see in there?

240
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,948
They've got cash,
a laptop, and I bet there's enough

241
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:32,742
Q tips to clean my ears till Christmas.
And the best part?

242
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,578
They're douchebags,
so your goody-two-shoes cell mate

243
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,122
will help us steal all of it.

244
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,417
We just found our next job.

245
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,172
[camera shutter snapping]

246
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:56,141
You thought this was a wise
wardrobe choice for your sentencing?

247
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,893
He didn't have a suit
and wanted to avoid telling his parents

248
00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:02,063
where he was going today
and found this in their attic.

249
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,401
In their garage.

250
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,738
Son, have you ever heard
that marijuana is a gateway drug?

251
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,448
Yes, sir, but I've
never tried any other drugs.

252
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,993
Arlene, tell him what
marijuana is a gateway to in my court.

253
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,871
-Prison.
-Prison. It's a gateway to prison.

254
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:19,330
Arlene nailed it.

255
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,542
And the government has
made my job very easy by instituting

256
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,795
mandatory minimum
sentences for all drug-related crimes.

257
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,424
This is your second offense.
The mandatory minimum is 15 years.

258
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:32,886
And since the drugs were
confiscated within 1000 feet of a school,

259
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,138
that doubles it to 30 years.

260
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,392
Congratulations, son.
You hit the-- Arlene?

261
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:42,979
-Jackpot.
-She's on fire today.

262
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,322
[Gloria] Shouldn't we tape down
the sides of the shower curtain?

263
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,948
I'm not made of tape.

264
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:57,577
Just make sure you cough,
talk, and breathe up through the flue.

265
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,580
Got it. Sorry. Got it.

266
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,750
Show him the pictures we took at the vet's
office, so he can come up with a plan.

267
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:11,257
[chuckles] That's funny. He's sending
the bat flu up the chimney flue.

268
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,804
Probably how it got its name.
In the Spanish flu,

269
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:20,809
I bet they put sick people in fireplaces
and made them cough up the hole.

270
00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,312
-And so they called the hole the flue.
-That's not how...

271
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,900
-No.
-Really? What makes you so smart?

272
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:29,901
Well, I don't know.

273
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,486
I went to college,
if that's what you mean.

274
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,072
Oh, aren't you fancy or full of shit?

275
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:37,033
Don't meet a lot
of ex-cons with college degrees.

276
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,451
Well, what can I say?

277
00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:41,955
Some of us use our psychology degrees
to make real money instead of

278
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,874
helping grown men
overcome their mommy issues.

279
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,419
Why are you looking at me?
Mommy, why is she looking at me?

280
00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:49,838
Because she thinks she's smart.

281
00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:52,006
But let me ask you something,
college girl.

282
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,926
Did you ever take
any classes on the history of fireplaces?

283
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,928
-No.
-I rest my case.

284
00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,101
So, what do you think? You got a plan yet?

285
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,854
I think so.

286
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:17,699
I'll never rob places at 3:00 a.m. again.
Streets are empty.

287
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:21,077
If someone sees you lurking that time
of night, they know something's fishy.

288
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,789
The best time to rob a business
is right after they close.

289
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:26,457
That way,
if someone sees you trying to get in,

290
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,294
they assume you work there
and don't call the cops.

291
00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,338
Plus, I'm getting old
and I'm sleepy by nine.

292
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:33,506
Hmm.

293
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,426
-Oh!
-Mm-hmm.

294
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,306
I'm telling you, there's no need
to break a window or use a crowbar.

295
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,475
Most of your standard locks can be
picked with a couple of paper clips

296
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:47,145
or even a bobby pin,
if you know what you're doing.

297
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,524
See that door over there?
Bet I can pick it in less than a minute.

298
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,705
[funky music playing]

299
00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:26,517
-Hey. What are you doing?
-Getting the good stuff.

300
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,069
Cracking a safe
is just listening for clicks...

301
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,238
doing the math...

302
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,534
and having a little patience.

303
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:59,133
It's been too long. I'm worried
he might have passed out or something.

304
00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,928
-I'm going in.
-Make sure you get the Q tips.

305
00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:16,484
-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

306
00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:20,905
Is that furry nut muncher
still in my glove box?

307
00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:22,115
No.

308
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,241
-Open it.
-Why?

309
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:26,786
Because I want to know
if there's a squirrel in my glove box.

310
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:27,996
There isn't.

311
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,666
Okay. Okay.
There's a squirrel in your glove box.

312
00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,085
Damn it, Rooster.
How many times do I have to

313
00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:37,588
tell you that you cannot keep
wild animals as pets?

314
00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:39,507
But he wants to stay with me.

315
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:44,595
-I can see it in his eyes.
-Fine. Open the glove box.

316
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:48,349
If he wants to be your pet,
there's no point in keeping him locked up.

317
00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:51,185
Okay.

318
00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:04,615
See? He loves me.

319
00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:07,618
-[squirrel chittering]
-[Rooster grunting, yelping]

320
00:22:27,638 --> 00:22:28,973
What's taking so long?

321
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:32,518
My ears are plugged. I'm gonna
need you to listen while I spin the dial.

322
00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:35,354
I'm gonna find something
to protect me from your germs.

323
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,149
This should work.

324
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,151
That was super uncool, Mommy.

325
00:22:48,659 --> 00:22:50,495
[Dad] It's gonna be all right.
You're gonna be okay.

326
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:54,165
Well, that's a fly in the ointment
we're going to have to swat.

327
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:55,792
Hello?

328
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:59,504
Is anyone here? Hello?

329
00:23:00,463 --> 00:23:01,881
-Hide!
-Oh, shit!

330
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:06,010
-Can we help you?
-Are you the doctors?

331
00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:09,347
I'm a doctor. He's my son.

332
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:10,723
-How come you get to be...?
-Shh.

333
00:23:11,682 --> 00:23:12,767
-I hit a squirrel.
-What kind of squirrel? Grey?

334
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:14,560
-Please tell me it's not grey.
-It's grey.

335
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,563
We'll do our best.

336
00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:24,904
You guys still here?

337
00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:27,240
-What's going on?
-What was that?

338
00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:29,450
-Who's out there?
-Fine. Don't panic.

339
00:23:29,534 --> 00:23:31,410
Just a couple of civilians.
I got it covered.

340
00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:35,706
Get the hell away from us, sickie.
Quarantine. Quarantine.

341
00:23:35,790 --> 00:23:36,958
What the hell is taking so long?

342
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:38,876
Cash is in the safe,
and he's having trouble opening it.

343
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,879
Forget the cash.
All we need is this laptop, right?

344
00:23:41,963 --> 00:23:43,923
I can't tell if this is Mr. Nuts or not.

345
00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:46,425
I'm trying to smell his breath

346
00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:48,177
for the Reese's Pieces,
but he's barely breathing.

347
00:23:48,261 --> 00:23:50,471
I think we gotta give him
mouth to mouth or something.

348
00:23:50,555 --> 00:23:53,975
No one is putting their lips
on that dirty-ass tree rat.

349
00:23:54,058 --> 00:23:55,685
That's how this
whole Corona thing started.

350
00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:59,272
-People sucking on wild creatures.
-[knocking] Barb.

351
00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:01,440
Those people out there
saw both your faces.

352
00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:02,942
-This is bad.
-Relax.

353
00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:04,694
We'll just wait here a couple of minutes,

354
00:24:04,777 --> 00:24:06,696
then we'll tell them
we did everything we could

355
00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:10,366
-but the squirrel is in a better place.
-We can't just let him die.

356
00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:13,578
You know, this is all your fault.
Why couldn't you just let me keep him?

357
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:18,249
Because every time you've kept a wild
animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt.

358
00:24:18,332 --> 00:24:20,209
The raccoon gave you tetanus.

359
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:22,712
The baby deer gave you
foot and mouth disease.

360
00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:25,673
That damned chicken nearly
poked your eye out when you fell asleep

361
00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:27,592
and rolled over during a back scratch.

362
00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:31,637
I'm your mom, and I need to protect you.

363
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:33,848
Hey, what was that thing
you said before about mommy issues?

364
00:24:33,931 --> 00:24:36,642
-She has them, doesn't she?
-Um, actually, that would be you.

365
00:24:36,726 --> 00:24:40,855
I'd say she has more of a codependent
personality with a tendency towards

366
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:44,859
control and overprotectiveness that
has resulted in your arrested development.

367
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:47,028
Oh, now you're blaming me
for him getting arrested?

368
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,237
No, I'm not.

369
00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:51,157
You don't have to protect me anymore, mom,
and I can protect myself.

370
00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:56,037
Not gonna let this little guy die.

371
00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:58,497
Oh. Good.

372
00:24:59,248 --> 00:25:01,167
I could've lived without seeing this.

373
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:06,255
Oh, shit. It's working.

374
00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,091
[screaming]

375
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:26,567
-This thing's already coming in handy.
-Is he gone?

376
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:46,921
He's gone.

377
00:25:47,004 --> 00:25:48,339
I'll notify the family.

378
00:25:55,513 --> 00:25:57,932
Hey, Ma, come listen to this.
My lip has a heartbeat.

379
00:25:58,015 --> 00:25:59,517
I'll take your word for it.

380
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,270
Gloria, you find any info
on the congresswoman yet?

381
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:04,272
I haven't tried.
I'll do it in the morning.

382
00:26:04,355 --> 00:26:06,941
Haven't tried? What the hell have you
been doing on that thing?

383
00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:09,443
Whoa. What's this?

384
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:14,240
I remember Trump on TV
talking about a way to fight this virus.

385
00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:19,704
Keep it to yourself, though. I think
I only have enough of the two of us.

386
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,093
You're welcome.

387
00:26:34,176 --> 00:26:36,554
-For what?
-I found your parents.

388
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:38,764
Seriously? They're alive?

389
00:26:38,848 --> 00:26:40,808
They live in a retirement home
in San Diego.

390
00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,768
You're not allowed
to visit because of COVID.

391
00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:45,396
But I did some digging,
and your mom registered a tablet

392
00:26:45,479 --> 00:26:47,648
two years ago,
which means you can video chat with them.

393
00:26:49,275 --> 00:26:50,943
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Hold on. No.

394
00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:54,989
I just want you to tell them if I die.
I'm not ready...

395
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,326
I haven't talked to them
in a really long time.

396
00:26:59,327 --> 00:27:01,329
-How long?
-Long.

397
00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:07,126
After I went to prison, I refused
to see them. I was too ashamed.

398
00:27:07,501 --> 00:27:09,545
They wrote me letters
for a while, but, uh...

399
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:13,549
after a few years of me not writing back,
the letters stopped coming.

400
00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:18,346
I can't. I don't even know
what I'd say to them.

401
00:27:19,513 --> 00:27:24,226
Say you've missed them. If my parents
were still here, that's what I'd say.

402
00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:29,065
No, don't. Hey!
How do I stop it?

403
00:27:29,398 --> 00:27:30,900
[ringing]

404
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,782
-Where's the mouse?
-Hello?

405
00:27:37,865 --> 00:27:39,033
Hello?

406
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:41,077
Who is that?

407
00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:46,290
-What's going on?
-My iTablet made a sound,

408
00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:52,088
and now there's a man sitting in
a little brick house staring back at me.

409
00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:54,590
Mom?

410
00:27:55,883 --> 00:27:56,717
Dad?

411
00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:02,598
-Jack?
-No, that's too old to be Jack.

412
00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:05,476
Yeah. It's me.

413
00:28:11,982 --> 00:28:14,235
It's so good to see you.

414
00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:19,949
-Look at you, all grown.
-Is that your cell?

415
00:28:20,366 --> 00:28:22,535
Why is it so small?
Did you misbehave?

416
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:27,581
No, I'm not in prison anymore.
I'm in a fireplace. It's a long stor...

417
00:28:30,835 --> 00:28:33,462
Jack, is that a wool sweater
you're wearing?

418
00:28:34,422 --> 00:28:35,631
I think so.

419
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,468
You know, when you were born,
my mother gave you a wool blanket.

420
00:28:39,552 --> 00:28:44,473
And you had such an allergic reaction,
you ended up in the hospital.

421
00:28:45,099 --> 00:28:47,184
We had to get all the wool
out of the house.

422
00:28:47,268 --> 00:28:51,522
-Really cold ankles that winter.
-Allergic to wool.

423
00:28:52,106 --> 00:28:53,149
Thank God.

424
00:28:55,109 --> 00:28:56,318
To our health.

425
00:28:57,486 --> 00:29:00,948
Hey, I'm not sick.
I'm just allergic to wool.

426
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:04,326
So tell me everything.
When did you move?

427
00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:07,371
[Mom] Six months ago.
I'm already sick of the food.

428
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,125
And then your father said,

429
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:14,253
"What's pickleball?
Sounds like a venereal disease."

430
00:29:15,212 --> 00:29:16,964
I did. I did say that.

431
00:29:17,715 --> 00:29:20,050
Okay.
I've probably kept you up long enough.

432
00:29:20,134 --> 00:29:22,928
I'll call you back tomorrow
and we'll pick up where we left off, okay?

433
00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:26,056
-You promise you're going to call?
-Yeah, I promise.

434
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:32,521
-I love you.
-We love you, too, Jackie boy.

435
00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:42,072
Can you hang up? I'm still
trying to figure out these buttons.

436
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:45,701
-Trying.
-No. No, stop.

437
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:46,952
It's not. It's on the left.

438
00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,162
Stop.

439
00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,843
[upbeat acoustic guitar plays]

440
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:41,757
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome--

441
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:44,343
Do you own a car?
Would you rather have to--

442
00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:45,427
Get back in the saddle.

443
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:47,388
A local veterinary clinic
has found itself

444
00:30:47,471 --> 00:30:49,932
in a dog bowl
full of hot water this morning

445
00:30:50,015 --> 00:30:52,768
after administering fake COVID tests

446
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:55,688
and determining results
via magic eight ball.

447
00:30:55,771 --> 00:31:00,109
Baby, come look at this.
This news lady has the earrings I want.

448
00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:02,736
I was a little suspicious
when my first test came back

449
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:04,488
"Reply hazy. Try again."

450
00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:08,450
But when the second test came back
"Outlook good," I didn't question it.

451
00:31:08,534 --> 00:31:11,370
Then I woke up this morning
to an envelope taped to my mailbox.

452
00:31:11,453 --> 00:31:13,205
Had the cash in it
that I paid for the test

453
00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:14,707
and a note saying it was all fake.

454
00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:17,042
So I called the police. The worst part is

455
00:31:17,126 --> 00:31:19,670
I sent a lot of my friends there
to get tested, and...

456
00:31:19,753 --> 00:31:22,923
Well, I guess it wasn't decidedly so
after all.

457
00:31:26,302 --> 00:31:28,721
Why do you have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?

458
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,892
I'm sorry.
Who's pecker is that?

459
00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:38,314
["Do It Daily" by Martin Sexton playing]

460
00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:44,445
♪ Like shavin' your face
Takin' out the trash ♪

461
00:31:44,528 --> 00:31:46,614
♪ And knowin' your pace ♪

462
00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:49,783
♪ Spending all your cash on your baby ♪

463
00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:51,827
♪ Do it daily ♪

464
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:55,414
♪ Like walkin' the dog
Cleanin' up the mess ♪

465
00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:58,667
♪ 'Til you go off to work
And make a good guess ♪

466
00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,336
♪ At what you won and lost ♪

467
00:32:00,419 --> 00:32:02,004
♪ And do it daily ♪

468
00:32:02,087 --> 00:32:05,758
♪ If you're gonna do it at all
You gotta do it daily ♪

469
00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:07,885
♪ ♪

470
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:31,844
-I have a job interview today.
-You're kidding.

471
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:33,762
-For what?
-Oh, you're going to love this.

472
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,848
In prison I got a teaching degree online,

473
00:33:35,931 --> 00:33:38,600
and there's an opening
at the local high school.

474
00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:41,603
How is any of this boring shit
going to help us figure out how to

475
00:33:41,687 --> 00:33:43,564
break into this woman's house
and steal that painting?

476
00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:46,024
See these security cameras
inside her house?

477
00:33:46,108 --> 00:33:47,818
They're everywhere and they're wireless.

478
00:33:47,901 --> 00:33:52,072
We tap into her WiFi, and we got
24 hours surveillance inside her home.

479
00:33:53,866 --> 00:33:54,700
Hey, Ma.

480
00:33:54,783 --> 00:33:56,660
You still got that gun that
I got you for Mother's Day?

481
00:33:56,744 --> 00:33:58,454
It's in my underwear drawer. Why?

482
00:33:58,579 --> 00:34:00,622
♪ ♪

483
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:12,718
Waaaa-hoo! [sniffles]